#blackAF s01e02 Episode Script

1 [KENYA.]
Yeah, Mr.
Seamus, I think that sounds like a fair price.
Um I'll bring it down to you next week.
Thank you, sir.
Shalom.
[SIGHS.]
So, that's it.
Chain's gone.
Found a buyer.
Of gold? Shocking, Dad.
You act like you were trying to sell a limited edition Beanie Baby or something.
No, I act like I was trying to sell a gold chain.
- That I love.
- Okay.
My point exactly.
Okay, guys.
Come on, we're gonna be late! [KENYA.]
Where Where's your mom? I'll give you two guesses.
She's either still sleeping or she's still sleeping.
- That's a gray area.
- Doesn't sound gray.
Come on, Kam, put your other shoe on, please.
Yo, keep it real.
Do you sometimes feel like the mom? No more than I feel like the dad.
Whoa.
- Was not exp Wow.
- I'm kidding.
You're great, Dad.
And to answer your question, no, I don't feel like the parent.
I feel like the daughter.
The remarkably responsible, put-upon, lost-youth-having daughter.
But it's cool, yeah! I know 20 years from now, it'll make me the person that I am, which hopefully isn't a sad, childless doormat.
Just so we're clear, your mom's worse than I am, though, right? You got that from everything I just said.
So yes, I'm hearing.
Thank you.
Cool.
[DREA.]
Come on, Kam! Put your other shoe on.
I might wanna hold off putting this other shoe on.
They're probably gonna cancel school today.
A teacher fell out of a window, y'all! Oh, yeah? Who? Um Miss Miss Lady! This kid's got a real problem.
Like, a real one.
Lying about teachers getting defenestrated? He's broken.
Oh, my God, I've never even met her.
Do you think she's gonna be okay? No, she fell out of a window.
- And she's not a real person.
- [KENYA.]
And there's that.
You guys need to stop messing around.
I'm trying to get you to school on time.
[SNICKERS.]
Doesn't seem like you're doing a great job.
You know, instead of doing your normal 30-minute eyelash install, you're more than welcome to help out, princess.
How about you run a brush through your hair before you try and come for me? The whole not-trying look only works if you're actually trying.
- I brush my hair.
Thank you.
- Oh, who would've thought? Guys, guys, can you please stop this? I think we can all agree, neither one of you are great.
Like, at all.
What is happening? A teacher is dead.
A life has been lost.
Why am I the only one who cares about this? - This family's sick.
- [KENYA.]
Pops, calm down, bro.
I think "Miss Lady" is gonna pull through.
Okay? She's going to be fine.
Chlo, if you could take Izzy to Cedar Canyon, and if you could drop the boys off to Marlboro, that would be great.
I'd do that, but the boys are boys, Dad, and Marlboro is an all-girls school.
I mean, this is simple stuff, so Then take them to the school they go to.
Dude, this is why your crew's so small.
You've no friends - 'cause of this person.
- [DREA SCOFFS.]
Whatever.
Drake said, "No new friends," right? Drake can say that because he's got friends! - She's got a point! - Boom.
[DREA.]
Why are Why are you like that, Dad? Like what? Dude, Drake has friends.
He's got Migos, - OVO dude - [CHLOE.]
Future? The dude he sits with at the Toronto games.
- [DREA.]
Okay - Groupies! - And his mom! He loves his mom.
- I've got friends.
I've got All All on top of each other, okay? National Society friends.
How does it feel to know that you're gonna die alone? - [DREA.]
I'm not gonna die alone, okay? - [KENYA.]
Whoa, oh, oh, oh.
[JOYA.]
Morning, family! Whoo.
[SING-SONGY.]
Who wants breakfast? We all did, like, 45 minutes ago.
Mom, Dad doesn't know where we go to school! [KENYA.]
Of course I do.
He thinks we go to school with all girls.
[KENYA.]
Why would I think that? That's not true.
I know where you go to school, bud.
He knows where you go to school, he's just really tired.
He had a really long night last night.
- Hey, thank you.
- [JOYA.]
Yeah.
I mean, drinks with Janelle Monáe courtside Lakers' seats a little after-party at Eddie Murphy's house with bowling I mean, it takes it out of a man! [BABY-TALKING.]
He's ti-wahd today.
I can't believe I thought you actually had my back.
- Wait, you went bowling? - No, I didn't go bowling.
- You've never taken us bowling.
- Or to a Lakers' game.
He took us to that Clippers' game once.
It was cool.
- Right? - Yeah.
It was not cool.
Like, at all.
It was Chris Kaman bobblehead night during the Donald Sterling era.
Yeah, and I'm not even sure the starters came out after Coolio performed at half-time.
I'm not at those games having fun, dude.
I'm there, like, building relationships, making capital - and currency out of people.
- Wow.
I had a lunch with Jeffrey Katzenberg because I went to that game.
You think if I'm at that game with you guys, Jeffrey Katzenberg comes up and says anything to me? "I'm the little white man who's gonna interrupt the guy talking to his beautiful black family!" All of a sudden, there's no lunch with Jeffrey Katzenberg, then we live in Van Nuys.
- Is that what you want? - [JOYA GROANS.]
Van Nuys.
- I can't live in Van Nuys.
- No one can.
I can't believe you're just gonna sit on that Jeffrey Katzenberg defense.
- I'm not - You really are a sociopath.
I had six children with a sociopath.
I had six children with a woman who'd have six children with a sociopath.
What does that make me? - Yeah, that makes you a sociopath.
- I'm the victim! - [KENYA.]
No, I'm the victim here! - [JOYA.]
Are you? You know the reason I don't go to those games is because of you.
- Oh, it's 'cause of me? - It's not them, 'cause you always wanna dance hard and get on the camera.
Why are you jealous - 'cause I get on the camera? - [DREA.]
Guys, guys.
[CHLOE.]
Yeah, Mom and Dad fight a lot, but I heard that you don't have to really get scared until they stop fighting.
Honestly, I'm already scared.
You know, that Van Nuys thing really shook me.
So it's kind of on you, to be honest.
[JOYA.]
It is on me, you're right.
I should have gotten out a long time ago.
- I love you so much, don't leave me! - I won't.
- All right.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Okay.
All right, guys, come on.
We're gonna be late.
Um You have a game today, correct? I mean, of course you have a game today.
What time is your game? We have a calendar for your game, I know when games are.
What time is it? Same time it's been last eight weeks when you've gotten there and said, "I thought it was at four.
" - So it's not at four? - Well, you know I won't miss it.
I don't know how I possibly know that, but okay.
- I'll just be like a tiny bit late.
- There it is.
Because I'm coming from, uh, Hip-Hop Dave's in Silver Lake, it's a mandatory class, but I'll be there! You have a mandatory hip-hop dance class? Mandatory.
I'm sorry.
Am I not allowed self-care? I mean, do you have any understanding what dance does to women's serotonin levels? There is a study, - this is facts - Sure.
that for every minute a woman works out, she is twice as likely not to kill a family member.
This is self-preservation.
This is for us.
This is for our whole family.
You are selfish.
Damn! - But I'm the sociopath? - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
[KAM.]
Bye-bye, Pops! I'm sorry, what is happening right now? [POPS.]
Bye, guys, see you later.
[KENYA.]
Is he sick? Are you sick? What's happening? No, uh, he's he's okay.
I just, um I told him he could stay home from school today.
He's still shaken up over the birthday thing.
What? You already are letting him wear a Nike top with Adidas bottoms, he's dressed as a small serial killer.
Mom said I could take the day.
I think that'd be enough time for me to pull myself together.
Does that feel like a good parenting decision to you? - Yeah.
- Yes.
It is.
It's just one day.
I mean, it's not a big deal, but then tomorrow it's back to school, right, bud? - [SADLY.]
Right.
Back to the rat race.
- Hmm.
[KENYA.]
I don't know if he's gonna be okay.
Like, I really don't.
He's a soft kid.
It's a hard fucking world we live in.
What I do know is I liked things a little bit better when that Salvadoran nanny was watching him.
That woman did not play.
She had seen some shit.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Remember she taught him how to speak Spanish? Now, he only speaks it when he's sad.
Calls it "the language of muerte," whatever the fuck that means.
[JOYA.]
Mm.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
- Vaya con Dios, Papa.
- What? You either with me or against me, ho - Ho - You either with me or - Wait - Win, win, win, win, win - Yeah - Fuck everything else Win, win, win, win Win, yeah Mom and Dad have always argued, but I'll be honest with you, ever since Mom took off work, they really kicked it up a notch.
Yeah, it calmed down a little bit that first year after Mom had Brooklyn.
I mean, we were all just glad she was alive.
- Yeah.
- But that wore off.
Guess who's got the goods.
So, we were really happy to see them spending time trying to get their shit together.
[DANNY.]
VIP, baby! The assistant said you are gonna sit right next to Jay Rock's parents.
What? Was it weird that it was going to be at the Lunar Butterfly Festival where they'd by far be the oldest people there? Sure, but I don't have a "but," it's just really weird.
Yeah.
Dude, I paid all this fucking money for a VIP pack and all I get is a Gildan tank top and a fanny pack? Babe, is it weird that we're going to this shit? No! It's totally cool.
Hip-Hop Dave goes every year.
- That's not making me feel better.
- It should make you feel better.
But, babe, we used to go to so many concerts.
This is just like 35 concerts, like, crammed into one night.
Uh, so, I had to use my, uh, personal credit card to buy the tickets, - so if you could reimburse me ASAP.
- What material is this? Uh, I'm barely making enough to pay my rent.
Hello! [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Um, or you could just This is one of those things you can pay on.
- give me my own Amex, maybe? - Fyre Festival.
Then we can avoid this conversation in the future.
You get the points.
I never have to front money for you again.
It's like a win-win for both of us.
Dude, did I ask you to bring me a Frap? - I don't remember.
- Yep, it's in my car.
Okay.
Can I get that, please? Hey, uh, guys? Make sure you stay hydrated out there, okay? Nothing's worse than a dry roll.
Dry What are you talking about? Oh, yeah, East LA gets hot as hell.
You know, if you're gonna pop your Molly, you want to drink a ton of water, right? You guys are doing Molly, right? I mean, they pretty much stick it in your mouth when you walk in.
[LAUGHS.]
Fine, okay.
- Chloe was three months old - That's right.
it was my birthday, and as my gift, we decided that we would take the night off and just have it to ourselves.
We deserved that.
Like, it turned out that as much as we loved you guys, being parents at 22 was a little bit more of a shit-show than we thought it would be and we needed to blow off some steam.
I mean, all our friends were.
So, it was gonna be great.
We got a babysitter, dropped Chlo off with the babysitter, then went, got some drinks, went to Blockbuster, which is a thing of the past, but was a lit place It wasn't a lit place.
It was just a place where you got movies.
I I enjoyed it.
Um, it was a place you got movies, and you could see people, sometime bump into exes, but always come home.
Um, anyway, we got a movie came home and popped a Molly.
[JOYA.]
And that is when the babysitter called to say that she had an emergency and she had to drop Chloe back off with us.
[KENYA.]
That was right around the time I started being able to hear colors, and the voice of God.
It's just that we were so young, and we missed doing any of the fun stuff, so we thought, - "Why not just one night?" You know? - Just once.
Just once.
But of course it didn't work out for us.
Shit doesn't work out for us.
- Hell of a night, though.
Honestly.
- [SIGHING.]
Nothing more sobering than rolling your face off and looking down in the eyes of your beautiful infant daughter knowing that it's probably the last time you're gonna see her before Child Services rips her from your arms.
[JOYA.]
Really puts things into perspective.
And ensures that we will never do Molly again as long as we're alive.
As amazing of a drug as it was - It's a great drug.
- I'm out.
- Don't do it.
- Never again.
What are we gonna do? - What do you mean? - I mean, what are we going to do? You heard the kid.
Basically, it sounds like we're going to, like, Molly Fest or something? Well, I mean, if everybody's doing it, it's it's really crazy not to do it, right? Feels like that's how we roll? Think so.
I don't wanna look like fucking weirdos.
I don't wanna be a weirdo.
- I guess we have to do it.
- We have to do it, right? Yeah.
These are our parents.
Their legal definition is "guardians.
" They're supposed to guard us.
Here you go, it's melting.
Dude, you know where we can get Molly? Nah.
No.
Danny, I've seen you come in here with eyes on golf balls.
Where can we get Molly? Okay.
I I know someone, but my, uh my dealer's kinda scary.
Are you saying your dealer's scary because he's black? Oh, no, he's not black.
He's Armenian.
That is scary.
[KENYA.]
It's no secret.
I'm terrified of Armenian gangs.
They scare me.
That's saying a lot.
I'm from Inglewood, and Inglewood's pretty fucked up, but it's not Armenia fucked-up.
Armenia's next to Iraq, or Iran, depending on who you ask.
But it doesn't matter, both those places are really fucked up.
They do fucked up shit like cut your head off.
I don't play with those gangs, they scare me a lot.
Danny's dude dealt out of a sideswiped C-Class in the parking lot of a Farbucks in Sherman Oaks.
And yeah, I'm saying Farbucks.
It's an Armenian coffee shop that used to be an old Togo's, that they just knocked off the name Starbucks, without any repercussions too.
Nobody said anything to 'em because, like I said, Armenian gangs are scary.
There he is.
Why'd I agree to wear this stupid camera shit, dude? Because you love your daughter and you promised? Plus, if you're beat beyond recognition, we'll be able to identify you.
- What? - [JOYA.]
Nothing.
[KENYA.]
His name was Sarkis, and he was everything I was afraid he'd be.
Beautiful, slicked-back head of hair, rayon-blend party shirt, chain on the outside, leather jacket looked like it had seen some some shit, white athletic socks with Adidas sandals.
And of course, a Gucci belt.
We knew that was gonna be there.
Dude, you go get it.
Look, I'mma give you the money and you go deal with your boy and, like, just bring the shit back.
What? No.
No, I only deal with Sarkis if I absolutely have to.
Does keeping your job fall under that umbrella? Dude, the both of you are fucking pussies.
Fuck it, I'm gonna get the Molly.
No! No.
I'll I'll get the Molly.
Anything can happen out there, you're not gonna leave me with those six kids.
I'd rather take my chances with the drug dealer.
[EXHALES.]
- Good luck.
- Shut up! So, um, if anything happened to Kenya, um would you still keep me on or [KENYA.]
What's up? What's up, man? There we were, stereotype to stereotype, just staring at each other in the face letting life happen.
What the fuck are you doing? - Get in the car.
- [KENYA.]
Oh, right.
Sweet rocket, dude.
Do you think he's tooled up? - [DANNY.]
Like, does he have a screwdriver? - Like, does he have a gun? Yeah! Probably, yes.
I'll just leave the money right there for you.
That's yours.
What's up, man? Sweet chain, dawg.
Sweet.
Okay.
[DANNY.]
This is bad.
- [JOYA.]
No, it's okay.
- [DANNY.]
This is bad.
[JOYA.]
We just need to be out of here in the next two minutes.
[DANNY.]
He's done.
We should get out of here.
- Oh, you're the worst, Danny.
- I'm sorry.
- [DANNY.]
Oh, God.
What's that in his hand? - [JOYA.]
This has got to happen fast.
- [DANNY.]
Oh, my God.
Is that a knife? - Thank you so much, sir.
- [JOYA.]
We gotta get outta here.
- God bless you.
Goodnight.
- [DANNY.]
Get out of there.
- [KENYA.]
Be safe, please.
[JOYA.]
This is taking too long.
- [CAR DOOR SLAMS.]
- [DANNY.]
Thank God.
Get back here.
[JOYA.]
He's not equipped for this.
- [DANNY.]
Pretty smooth.
- [JOYA.]
No, don't run.
No.
No.
Be cool.
Be cool! Don't wave.
- [KENYA.]
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! - [DANNY.]
What? [JOYA.]
What do you mean, "Go, go, go"? [VEHICLE STARTS.]
I don't know if it's even real.
I gave him way too much money.
- [DANNY.]
Bye, Mr.
Sarkis.
- [JOYA.]
Please don't wave at him.
- Don't wave at him.
- [DANNY.]
Okay, sorry! Sorry! [SIGHS.]
It's our last time out, playboy.
Our last big hurrah.
End of a motherfucking era.
Been through some shit, dawg.
Remember Coachella? Coachella '16 was Babe, you think you can, um help me find a t-shirt? Something that really, like, pops.
[JOYA.]
You want me to help you pick out a t-shirt? No, but I [JOYA.]
I think you got that.
You're grown man.
You know what? No, you're probably right.
You'd probably pick out some American Apparel bullshit.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Yo.
What is this? - [JOYA.]
Huh? - Look at this.
This is our pool, in our backyard, with Chloe! Yeah, I told you she was coming over today.
You let her do this? Uh, I let our daughter swim in our pool.
You're right, you got me.
It's not a joke, dude.
She's in a bikini.
This is basically a bra and panties.
Except that it's made specifically for swimming.
Okay, everything's a joke, dude.
Purple hair, bikini, on the Internet? People start seeing this shit, what are they gonna say? You mean what are they gonna say about her or what are they gonna say about you? Okay.
All right, Jo, just keep being that mom.
Keep letting our family fall through the cracks until we're nothing but crumbs.
You'll be fine with it, but Great earrings.
What are those, door-knockers? Why don't you take the next four hours to pick out a t-shirt? We're not filming yet, right? Uh no.
Okay, good, because I didn't say anything, but Chloe forgot her bathing suit, which is why she was actually wearing her bra and panties.
Oh, my God! He would've never let you live that one down.
[JOYA.]
I know, right? I just can't believe she posted it.
Huh? But you liked it and then you commented how cute she looked.
Yeah, because I'm her mother, and I have to support her no matter what she decides to wear.
I'm a feminist.
Plus, I was never gonna let your dad think he was right.
Come on! Drea, this is very important.
Listen to me.
Okay? I'm a loving wife.
I care about my marriage, but it's very important that you always double down.
Okay? Even when things feel darkest, never admit you're wrong.
It is the only way to keep the train on the tracks.
It is the only way to let the situation move forward.
[DREA LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, man [LAUGHING HALTS.]
Oh, you're se You're serious.
It's moments like these that I worry we'll never be close.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You can roll now.
Anyway, your dad and I hadn't been out in a really long time.
Let's go You know it's Baby, nigga Oh, Lord, Jetson made another one She wanna fuck with me But I don't got the time I just hopped off a private plane And went and hopped on 85 Go call my chauffeur, bitch 'Cause I don't like to drive [CROWD CHEERING.]
Whoo! It was so lit.
[CHUCKLES.]
Lit! Drop to your death without warning! Get out the way, get out the way, get out the way, yeah Get out the way Get the fuck up out my way, yeah - You either with me or against me, ho - [KENYA.]
Oh! Oh! You either with me or Win, win, win, win, win Stop chasing that bitch Win, win, win, win, win [JAY.]
Y'all make some noise for y'all self one time! Lunar Festival! [KENYA.]
Babe! - Yo! - What? What? - You're in the motherfucking zone! - Right? Oh, my God, I see why those classes are mandatory.
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God, dude! - Whoo.
- Fucking love you so much.
[MAN.]
Yo, Los Angelans, it's lit tonight! - So glad we came here, dude.
- [JOYA WHOOPING.]
Fucking Molly is the shit! It's the shit, but this is us.
This is not Molly! You're right, this is us.
- We're great.
- These are our people.
Make some noise for y'all self one time! Lunar Festival! I gotta say this, though Oh, yeah, man to the people who brought their parents out.
On my mama, that shit is beautiful, though.
Y'all make some noise for that! - Make some noise.
- [CHEERING.]
Yes, sir! [MOUTHING.]
- Do you want a drink? - Yeah.
- Let's get another - Let's get a drink.
Let's go, I think back here, though.
Yeah.
Redemption like we been lit Face down, ass up, vicious Backdrops Smoking on the bombest weed Backshots finna go down When we leave Babe, I don't know what's going on.
But you are the finest thing here.
Oh, my God, baby.
You look so fucking hot tonight.
- Thank you so much.
- You don't even know, that chain - is popping! - I feel like I sell drugs.
You look like it! God damn, let me tell you something.
You are like the best fucking mom ever.
[JOYA.]
Oh, my God.
You're the best dad Touch my face! Oh, my God.
You feel those nerve-endings just popping off right now? - That's fucking drugs.
That's drugs.
- Oh, my God! [MOANS.]
Baby! - Oh! - Oh, my God.
Hold on, what the fuck? My face! - [KENYA.]
I'll touch it in a second.
- Touch my [MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[CHLOE.]
What the fuck? - Hey, Dad! - Hey, Bearby, how's it going? - You know.
- Fancy seeing you here.
Fancy seeing me at a music festival produced and targeted at my exact age demographic? Oh, my God, that's so crazy! It's You can make jokes of it however much you want, but it's unusual that I saw you here.
What's going on? Seems like you're having a good time.
Yeah.
Well, we were.
How you doing, Madison? Wait, is that Mom? Is she okay? [KENYA.]
Yes, she's fine! Your mother's fine.
She's a professional who gave up her career to take care of you, and I've been having a career to pursue your well-being.
- [CHLOE.]
I'm gonna go.
- No, you're not gonna go.
And what are you wearing? [CHLOE.]
Are you seriously gonna do this now? [KENYA.]
You look like a Brat-Star, your friend has a racist headdress on.
What's wrong with you? You look like a little thot.
Stop saying "thot.
" You sound like an idiot.
[KENYA.]
I don't.
People say it all the time.
[CHLOE.]
No one says that shit! [KENYA.]
Okay, well, fine.
You knew what it meant.
What's going on, dude? I raised you so much better than this.
Dad, you're such a dick! - You're a dick.
You're a dick.
- Okay, I'm gonna go.
[KENYA.]
No, you're not going anywhere, I was talking Hold on Are you guys fucking high? No.
Wait.
Are you high? No.
All right, well, I, uh, guess I'll see you later.
[KENYA.]
I guess you will.
- Okay.
- All right.
[MAN.]
Lunar Butterfly Festival, if y'all having a good time out there, make some noise! Send him a pic of somebody else titties I'm a finesser and I'm a fly dresser Move to the top floor And flew in my dresser My bitches hustle Make money together Your bitches birds And they flockin' together I can't decide if I want the new Louis Dapper Dan yellow I'm always in Gucci Your mama Don't bring your dad to the mall Babe! Oh, my God! You just missed it, I just killed this Asian bitch in a dance-off! I was like "Uh!" and then I hit her with like, "Huh!" Will you fucking stop this? Seriously.
Did you know Chloe was here? What? Oh, my God! No! Of course I knew.
I bought her the tickets.
Always double down.
Oh, shit.
- Yes! - [DREA LAUGHS.]
Maybe there's hope for us.
You know what the worst thing is? Dressed in complete thottage, head to toe! You've gotta stop saying that, old man.
Nobody says that anymore! Yes, they do, dude.
I just read it on Bundleofbrittany's comment page.
- Who? - She's a vegan food blogger from, like, upper Sacramento.
She uses, like, coconut sugar What the fuck are you talking about? I I don't know! Will you stop and listen to me? Focus! Our daughter is a complete mess, and it's probably your fault.
- Thank you.
- And the worst thing is, I think that she was high.
Listen, you need to focus now.
My Molly is wearing off.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
I am not at my peak anymore and I need some more drugs.
- Fuck it, I'm gonna find some Fentanyl.
- [KENYA.]
What? If I find Fentanyl, you'll take it.
You're taking it! - What the fuck is going on? - Just say yes! Just fucking say yes.
- You are scaring me.
- I'm gonna dance with the devil today.
- Oh, my God! Jo! - Whoo! Don't die! Walk up in this bitch like whoa Pull up on the set like hol up Babe.
Babe.
- Jo! - Huh? Drink this.
Babe, drink this.
- Does it have Molly in it? - No, it doesn't have Molly in it! You don't need any more Molly or anything else! - Ooh! - What is wrong with you? We needed that, dude! It's hot as hell in here.
You need to stay hydrated.
[MOCKING.]
"You need to stay hydrated.
" - Oh, my God.
- [NORMAL.]
You're such a little bitch! I do not miss this part of you.
I'm gonna get some more water.
Stay here.
Babe.
- Stay here.
- Huh? I'm staying here.
Do not talk or take anything from anyone.
Talk to everyone, take everything? - No - Talk to everyone? Something dark is gonna happen to you and you won't be able to get over it.
Talk to everyone.
- Bad things happen here.
- [JOYA WHOOPS.]
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Yo, can I get like two No, three waters please? - Hey, Dad.
- Oh, thanks.
What up? So I have something that I want to tell you.
Look, if you're past the second trimester, I can't help you.
- At least, not in here.
- Dad, I am serious! What's up, Bearby? I lied to you.
I was high.
My friend got weed from this guy she knows and she brought it with us.
[KENYA.]
Okay.
I guess, thank you, for telling me the truth, I guess.
You're welcome, I guess? Dude, why'd you feel like you had to lie to me in the first place? That's not us.
Dad, I don't know if you know this or not, but you're not exactly the easiest person to talk to.
- Okay, that's that's fair.
- I mean You know, trying to tell your dad you're high is kinda rough.
Yeah, I bet, especially when you're dressed like - Okay, Dad, for real? - Like, I'm a monster.
I hear it.
Thank you.
Look, Bearby, I don't know if you know this or not, but as much as I don't want you smoking weed, or drugs, or drinking, or any of this stupid shit going on here, I'd much rather know about it than find out about it in some news report or some crazy way.
I need to know what's going on in your life.
I don't want the idea of thinking about you in some sketchy parking lot, dealing with some drug-dealer named Sarkis getting whatever the fuck he sells you.
What? What are you talking about? A parking lot? No, Lindsay got it from her boy Isaac at school.
He deals on the Honor System.
What the fuck is the Honor System? Oh, you you want me to explain the Honor System? - [DREA.]
Yes.
- Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, well, you come in, and then you weigh your shit on that scale right there, and then put your money in that safe, and then you Oh, yeah, and then just put a note in the ledger here with how much you took and what you paid me.
And if you're, like, a little bit short, it's all good.
- It's the Honor System.
- [DREA.]
Are you making this up? Because you don't have to.
I'm gonna I'm gonna blur your face.
I'm not making this up.
That's how the Honor System works, right? [LAUGHS.]
And you don't gotta blur my face! Don't make it fucking weird.
Where is this gonna show? [KENYA.]
Dude, what the fuck is up with your generation? Are you guys lost? Buying drugs is supposed to be dangerous.
It's like an adventure.
You're supposed to be terrified! Worried you're gonna get cross-bowed or choked out by a Gucci belt.
First, I let you down with my hair and now this.
Babe, you didn't let me down with your hair.
If I'm being honest, only reason any of this stuff counts is because of fucking White Gaze.
Okay, Dad, homophobic does not seem like your brand.
No, not gay Bearby, look, I like your hair, it's actually kind of cute.
I mean, I don't love it, but I like it.
You know, but the thing is, as a black girl, you don't get looked at the same as these white girls who have purple hair.
You'll get looked at like you're a stripper, or you're this or that.
It's something totally different! It's like me with the fucking chain.
You know how much I wanted this chain growing up? All the dudes I idolized had chains like this, whether they were ball players, or rappers, or drug dealers.
So when I finally was able to get one, I was super pumped, until I noticed that white people looked at me like I was a ball player, or a rapper, or a drug dealer.
Okay, Dad, you think I don't know that already? I mean, it's different for us, but that's just how it is.
Uh, it's like if Malia Obama comes anywhere near pot, doing the same thing any kid her age is doing, it's like a national security breach, or or if Sasha wears a tank top, it's like she breaks the Internet.
You know, I feel like so few of us get the chance to do anything that if we finally do get that chance, everyone's looking at us ready to pounce.
Did you just compare yourself to Sasha and Malia Obama? You really are such a dick.
I know.
- Thank you for telling me the truth.
- [CHLOE.]
No problem.
Don't take any drugs from your mom, they're really strong.
Five, four, three, two, one [CHLOE.]
So you really like my hair? [KENYA.]
I don't love your hair, but it's kinda cute.
[CHLOE.]
Well, in that case, I don't love your chain.
[KENYA.]
What? [CHLOE.]
Okay, but it does kinda look good against the black sweatshirt.
It does, right? Your mom wanted me to put, like, a white t-shirt or something - She's always on that bullshit.
- No, no.
You know, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but you're kinda fly, old man.
Thank you, that means everything.
- [LAUGHING.]
- As it should.
Question, were you high earlier? As fuck, yes.
But I'm only telling you the truth because we don't lie to each other, right? Then does that make it okay? For your father? Yes.
But if you ever get high again, I'm killing you.
[CHLOE LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Uh, I'm gonna catch Kode.
Call me when you guys get home.
Okay, well, we're gonna go, too.
Nah, I think your night's over.
Babe, you were right about White Gaze! Look at all these motherfuckers looking at me like I'm crazy! You're crazy! You're just gonna watch this? Why do you even have an all-access pass? Go do some drugs like your sister.
Come here in cords and a fucking sweater? Nerd! ["THE BOX" BY RODDY RICCH PLAYING.]
[LAUGHING AND CHATTERING.]
Doughnut? [JOYA.]
Second party's a success.
You did it, Mr.
Barris.
Thanks.
You did it too, Mrs.
Barris.
- Appreciate you.
- [JOYA.]
Mm.
Guess this is what they would say the other side of White Gaze is.
[JOYA.]
Yep.
Swim in our pool, eat our fucking doughnuts, but our kids are happy, we're balling out.
Suck it, White Gaze.
I guess.
You guess? You're never gonna be happy, are you? - Probably not.
- Sick house, brother man.
Thanks.
Oh, don't fucking call me "brother man," dude.
Just do the doughnuts shit.
Who is this guy? So, what's the lesson you think you taught Pops? Um, you don't bring a box of doughnuts to a doughnut-stand fight.
It's amateurish.
Bush-league.
Oh! And always wear a chain.
White people love chains, like, love 'em.
Go fucking crazy for 'em.
Key to Key to life, key to success.
Key to success.
Gandhi probably had a chain.
Martin Luther King, chain.
- Kennedy, chain.
- Don't think they did.
Moses.
Hold on.
Yo, yo, yo, yo! Yo, how many doughnuts have you had today, bro? None! How many [SIGHS.]
You know what? Just go.
- He's got a problem.
- Really big problem.
Like Like, I'm scared.
I really didn't have any doughnuts.
This kid at school's been bullying me.
He's from this Armenian kid gang.
Seriously, he told me if I said anything, he would kill my parents.
I didn't know if he was lying, but I did not want to test him.
Armenian gangs don't play.
What do you have there? What What's that? Oh.
Here.
"Local beloved private school teacher Francine Lady tragically falls to her death from her apartment window.
Classes have been canceled in honor of her memory.
" [KAM.]
Okay, I gotta go potty.
Wow! Francine Lady.
Her Her name was actually Miss Lady.
["WIN" BY JAY ROCK PLAYING.]
Get out the way, get out the way Get out the way, yeah - Yeah - Get out the way Get the fuck up out my way, yeah Yeah You either with me or against me, ho Ho You either with me or - Wait - Win, win, win, win, win - Yeah - Fuck everything else Win, win, win, win Win, these niggas ain't shit Win, win, win, win, win