Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil (2005) s01e01 Episode Script
He's Not the Messiah, He's a DJ
0
Previously on Lucy,
the Daughter of the Devil
We have found it.
This is the prophecy.
When we translate this text,
we will know the identity of
the Antichrist.
It says that a woman will agree
to bear the child of Satan
in exchange for a Datsun 280ZX.
[ echoing ]
Datsun 280ZX.
[ creaking ]
WOMAN:
Hooves, hooves, hooves.
MAN:
Sorry.
WOMAN:
I know you're not --
MAN:
I know, I know. Noted. Noted.
WOMAN:
If it's not the hooves,
it's the horns.
MAN:
Well, do you want to stop?
WOMAN:
No, no, let's keep going.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
MAN:
Well, now I don't --
WOMAN:
What -- do I need to --
MAN:
No, I'll -- no.
I'm just gonna get some water.
WOMAN:
I'm glad you're here.
MAN:
I'll be right back.
The child will be watched
over by her unholy father.
Look at the rack on Lucy!
[ dog growling ]
Aah! My face!
I didn't know we could bring
dogs to school.
When she turns 21, her father
will call upon her
to fulfill her evil destiny.
SATAN:
Look, I paid for your stupid
art school, didn't I?
And I got you a dog --
a hypoallergenic dog, mind you,
'cause you're allergic.
Excuse me, did you just say,
"stupid art school"?
Dad?
- No.
Yes, you did!
Art is not stupid, Lucy.
I got to go.
Lucy, Lucy
Look at your chubby cheeks ♪
Pinch your little,
silly butt
You will drown
the world in blood ♪
Lucy, Lucy
You are my special girl ♪
You will be
the queen of pain ♪
The world will end
in fire and flame
[ rumbling ]
How you doin', folks?
This is your captain speaking.
Just wanted
to let you know that
as soon as we get
beverages served,
we're going to begin our
movie for this flight,
which is Legally Blonde 2.
You can find the audio on
channel 11.
And if you get a chance, also,
take a look out your window
because pretty soon,
I'm going to point this plane
straight down
and drive us as deep into
the ocean as I can.
Your mother sucks [ bleep ]
in Hell.
Praise Satan.
[ding]
[ding]
Hey, folks, this is your co-pilot speaking.
Um, if there's an exorcist or a priest on board,
could you please
identify yourself
to a member of the flight crew?
I sure would appreciate it.
Thank you.
Kind of need you to do that right away, if you could.
Once again, you can find
the audio for Legally Blonde 2
on channel 11.
Excuse me.
Pardon me, excuse me.
Okay, coming through.
[ding]
Hey, folks, this is your co-pilot again.
As you can see, I've turned on
the "fasten seatbelts" sign,
so gonna need you to return
to your seats
[screaming]
[ plane descending ]
[ explosion ]
```markdown
```
La ♪
[ dog growling ]
Ethan, how is your beer?
Is it okay?
It's good.
I don't know
what music you like.
What's, uh --
Oh, is he growling at you?
Yes, he is.
It's very hard to hear.
It's so low, it's like --
It's not really hard to hear,
actually.
Who is Mr. Scary Dog?
You are a scary dog.
Hey, can he go --
can he --
does he want to check out
another room or something?
[ telephone rings ]
Oh, hold on one second.
Please, please.
Ethan, I'm so sorry.
I'll be right back, one sec.
- Take him with you.
- Just be a sec.
Take himwithyou.
[ door closes ]
SATAN:
Hey, I just wanted to say
sorry about calling
so late last night.
- Mm-hmm.
But I drank four, uh,
Appletinis and --
Dad, I can't really talk
right now.
Well, you ever had one?
'Cause they're delicious.
No.
- Fresh apple, apple vodka
- No.
-Apple Schnapps
- No.
And you - -
Dad. Dad,
can you stop for a second?
[ deep voice ]
You should kill yourself.
Kill yourself, kill yourself,
kill yourself, kill yourself,
Kill yourself, kill yourself
Uh
Uh
Dad, I got to go.
I'm going now.
We'll talk another time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait, wait, wait.
I have a favor to ask you.
- What's the favor?
I mean, a present to give you.
I have a present to give you.
What is it?
I want you to go out
on a date with a friend of mine
who is a U.S. Senator.
He's rich,
and he's good-looking.
Ew. He's rich?
I don't want to be pimped off
to some senator.
Kill yourself, kill yourself,
kill yourself, kill yourself
Uh
Kill yourself,
kill yourself ♪
Look, this date will take you
to the highest heights
of political power.
I don't want to be on a high
height of political power.
Well, you're just being
contrary now.
But it's a moot point anyway,
'cause you know what?
I've actually met a nice guy,
and I'm with him right now,
which is why I can't talk,
so please let me go, okay?
Goodbye.
I'll tell you something,
Lucy.
I don't think this "nice guy"
is gonna be a part of your life
for much longer.
- What does that mean?
- Hmm?
I said,
"what does that mean?"
Nothing.
Dad!
[ laughs ]
You're impossible!
Sorry.
It's all for you, Lucy.
Ugh!
[ crash ]
LUCY:
Bad dog.
[ dog grumbles ]
[ dance music plays ]
Hey, Chief, another Appletini
for the lady,
and I'll have another Red Bull
and vodka, please, my man.
So, did you like riding over here in a helicopter?
Um, no.
I actually think it's a total waste of energy
to take a helicopter
eight blocks.
I know, it's hilarious,
isn't it?
I'm not saying I think you did a bad job.
I'm just saying I'll feel a lot
better when we know for sure
that the special fathers are dead.
Okay, grandma.
I'll let you know
when they float to the surface.
That's not why I called.
I have something else.
We're getting reports that the Second Coming
may have already
happened.
The messiah might be in play in
the earthly realm as we speak.
No way. C2 in the E.R.
C2 in the E.R.
[ sighs ]
"S" of "G"?
What's that?
Son of God.
Yeah, "S" of "G."
So, how's it going
with the Antichrist project?
I'm an acronym guy.
Yeah, I know, and sometimes
you're thinking
it's gonna make
the conversation shorter,
but it makes it longer
'cause you have to tell me what it means.
Right, but it's funner to say letters.
Yes, it is fun for you.
Do one.
Okay, how's it going with the A.C.?
My air-conditioning?
See, this is what I mean.
Antichrist.
You're playing it pretty cool
with me,
very "get out of my face, "
very "I'm not impressed
with your power and money."
You are an enormous
douche bag!
Yeah, well, you know, kids today
get distracted easily.
[ TV playing ]
BECKY:
Uh-huh.
Hey, did I, uh --
MAN ON TV:
Hi, I'm the Mayor.
My door is always open.
BECKY:
Uh-huh?
[ female voice ]
So sexy.
Here's what we have.
His name might be Jesus,
and he's very possibly a D.J.
who works nightclubs,
weddings, bar
mitzvahs, proms,
that kind of thing,
somewhere in California.
Well, you should run the
computer model again because
that sounds unlikely,
that it's another Jesus.
That's impossible.
Jesus
Yo, yo, yo.
D.J. Jesús is on the mount.
Peace, children, peace.
Hey, you, I love this!
It sounds great!
You know, I can't hear you,
but I can read your lips.
Yours was like, "blah, blah,
blah, great," right?
Aah!
Focusing on me now!
Attention turns back to me,
please!
Please [bleep] off!
Whoa.
Guys, come on.
Hey, look, everyone,
this next cut's going out to
this guy right here.
Shake it, guy, come on.
Hey [ bleep ] you, pal.
[ garbled ]
Stay out of this!
Guy, guy, peace.
[ garbled ]
Bless this brother.
Can we get some
bouncers over here?
Ding dong, Grande, let's, uh,
let's get this guy out of here,
okay?
[ squishing ]
[ squishing stops ]
Okay. Okay.
Okay, bye-bye.
Who was that?
That was the Pope.
He says we should continue to San Francisco any way we can.
[ slurps ]
Does this cocoa taste
really good to you?
[ slurps ]
It's pretty good.
[ grunting ]
SENATOR:
That's a kidney punch.
[ telephone rings ]
This is Satan.
Master, this date isn't going so well.
What's going on?
Well, for one thing,
your daughter is a little bit
high-strung.
I know, I know.
And then she starts making
eyes at this D.J. Jesús.
Are you kidding me?
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
What was his name?
- Jesús.
- I'll call you back.
I'll call you back.
Do you think that
on the coast guard cutter,
in the middle of the ocean,
they made instant cocoa
and put shaved cinnamon on it?
It's possible.
It's not possible.
SATAN:
How's the date going?
It's fantastic.
It's the best date ever.
Mm-hmm.
The club you're at.
What's the name of the club?
Armageddon. Why?
Listen, I want you to get out
of there right now
and call me when you're about
a block away.
There's gonna be a terrible,
terrible fire at the club
What? What?
Or, I don't know, maybe
a truck is gonna crash into it.
Depends on who I can get
at this time of night.
What are you talking about?
"Armageddon." Google.
What are you doing?
Gonna get the address.
Got to kill mmm, mmm again.
- No!
- What?
[ garbled ]
You're not killing my D.J.
Get out of there, Luce.
No!
[ telephone rings ]
- This is Satan.
- Hey, it's Becky.
Becky, hey.
We have new information.
I thought you'd want to know.
Me too. I just got some, too.
Can I say mine first?
- No.
Please, we got to move
quickly here.
BECKY:
I got the name of the nightclub.
SATAN:
Armageddon?
How'd you know that?
[ chuckles ]
How'd I get it?
Well, it's complicated.
BECKY:
Why?
SATAN:
Well, Lucy was actually at
that club
At Armageddon?
Yeah, flirting with
the D.J.
- Your daughter
- Mm-hmm.
-The Antichrist
- That's correct.
Was at Armageddon,
flirting with someone
who may possibly be
the Second Coming?
Mm-hmm, sounds crappy
when you say it.
I have to say something.
It's all set, though.
I'm taking care of it.
Are you?
Because it seems to me,
on my end,
that you're losing control
of your daughter.
Wrong!
Wrong, Becky!
I'm not losing control,
all right?
I'll handle it. God!
- I hope so.
Becky
'Cause from where I'm sitting
So uptight.
I got it
Under control ♪
I got it under control ♪
I am the Devil ♪
And I got you under
my control ♪
[ smooches ]
Mmm.
I love these horns.
Ohh
Ow, ow.
Oh [bleep]!
[ screaming ]
Ding dong and Grande.
Ding dong and Grande!
[ echoing ]
Dad!
La ♪
La, la ♪
[ siren wails ]
La, la, la, la, la ♪
La, la, la, la, la ♪
La, la ♪
La, la, la, la, la ♪
Previously on Lucy,
the Daughter of the Devil
We have found it.
This is the prophecy.
When we translate this text,
we will know the identity of
the Antichrist.
It says that a woman will agree
to bear the child of Satan
in exchange for a Datsun 280ZX.
[ echoing ]
Datsun 280ZX.
[ creaking ]
WOMAN:
Hooves, hooves, hooves.
MAN:
Sorry.
WOMAN:
I know you're not --
MAN:
I know, I know. Noted. Noted.
WOMAN:
If it's not the hooves,
it's the horns.
MAN:
Well, do you want to stop?
WOMAN:
No, no, let's keep going.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
MAN:
Well, now I don't --
WOMAN:
What -- do I need to --
MAN:
No, I'll -- no.
I'm just gonna get some water.
WOMAN:
I'm glad you're here.
MAN:
I'll be right back.
The child will be watched
over by her unholy father.
Look at the rack on Lucy!
[ dog growling ]
Aah! My face!
I didn't know we could bring
dogs to school.
When she turns 21, her father
will call upon her
to fulfill her evil destiny.
SATAN:
Look, I paid for your stupid
art school, didn't I?
And I got you a dog --
a hypoallergenic dog, mind you,
'cause you're allergic.
Excuse me, did you just say,
"stupid art school"?
Dad?
- No.
Yes, you did!
Art is not stupid, Lucy.
I got to go.
Lucy, Lucy
Look at your chubby cheeks ♪
Pinch your little,
silly butt
You will drown
the world in blood ♪
Lucy, Lucy
You are my special girl ♪
You will be
the queen of pain ♪
The world will end
in fire and flame
[ rumbling ]
How you doin', folks?
This is your captain speaking.
Just wanted
to let you know that
as soon as we get
beverages served,
we're going to begin our
movie for this flight,
which is Legally Blonde 2.
You can find the audio on
channel 11.
And if you get a chance, also,
take a look out your window
because pretty soon,
I'm going to point this plane
straight down
and drive us as deep into
the ocean as I can.
Your mother sucks [ bleep ]
in Hell.
Praise Satan.
[ding]
[ding]
Hey, folks, this is your co-pilot speaking.
Um, if there's an exorcist or a priest on board,
could you please
identify yourself
to a member of the flight crew?
I sure would appreciate it.
Thank you.
Kind of need you to do that right away, if you could.
Once again, you can find
the audio for Legally Blonde 2
on channel 11.
Excuse me.
Pardon me, excuse me.
Okay, coming through.
[ding]
Hey, folks, this is your co-pilot again.
As you can see, I've turned on
the "fasten seatbelts" sign,
so gonna need you to return
to your seats
[screaming]
[ plane descending ]
[ explosion ]
```markdown
```
La ♪
[ dog growling ]
Ethan, how is your beer?
Is it okay?
It's good.
I don't know
what music you like.
What's, uh --
Oh, is he growling at you?
Yes, he is.
It's very hard to hear.
It's so low, it's like --
It's not really hard to hear,
actually.
Who is Mr. Scary Dog?
You are a scary dog.
Hey, can he go --
can he --
does he want to check out
another room or something?
[ telephone rings ]
Oh, hold on one second.
Please, please.
Ethan, I'm so sorry.
I'll be right back, one sec.
- Take him with you.
- Just be a sec.
Take himwithyou.
[ door closes ]
SATAN:
Hey, I just wanted to say
sorry about calling
so late last night.
- Mm-hmm.
But I drank four, uh,
Appletinis and --
Dad, I can't really talk
right now.
Well, you ever had one?
'Cause they're delicious.
No.
- Fresh apple, apple vodka
- No.
-Apple Schnapps
- No.
And you - -
Dad. Dad,
can you stop for a second?
[ deep voice ]
You should kill yourself.
Kill yourself, kill yourself,
kill yourself, kill yourself,
Kill yourself, kill yourself
Uh
Uh
Dad, I got to go.
I'm going now.
We'll talk another time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait, wait, wait.
I have a favor to ask you.
- What's the favor?
I mean, a present to give you.
I have a present to give you.
What is it?
I want you to go out
on a date with a friend of mine
who is a U.S. Senator.
He's rich,
and he's good-looking.
Ew. He's rich?
I don't want to be pimped off
to some senator.
Kill yourself, kill yourself,
kill yourself, kill yourself
Uh
Kill yourself,
kill yourself ♪
Look, this date will take you
to the highest heights
of political power.
I don't want to be on a high
height of political power.
Well, you're just being
contrary now.
But it's a moot point anyway,
'cause you know what?
I've actually met a nice guy,
and I'm with him right now,
which is why I can't talk,
so please let me go, okay?
Goodbye.
I'll tell you something,
Lucy.
I don't think this "nice guy"
is gonna be a part of your life
for much longer.
- What does that mean?
- Hmm?
I said,
"what does that mean?"
Nothing.
Dad!
[ laughs ]
You're impossible!
Sorry.
It's all for you, Lucy.
Ugh!
[ crash ]
LUCY:
Bad dog.
[ dog grumbles ]
[ dance music plays ]
Hey, Chief, another Appletini
for the lady,
and I'll have another Red Bull
and vodka, please, my man.
So, did you like riding over here in a helicopter?
Um, no.
I actually think it's a total waste of energy
to take a helicopter
eight blocks.
I know, it's hilarious,
isn't it?
I'm not saying I think you did a bad job.
I'm just saying I'll feel a lot
better when we know for sure
that the special fathers are dead.
Okay, grandma.
I'll let you know
when they float to the surface.
That's not why I called.
I have something else.
We're getting reports that the Second Coming
may have already
happened.
The messiah might be in play in
the earthly realm as we speak.
No way. C2 in the E.R.
C2 in the E.R.
[ sighs ]
"S" of "G"?
What's that?
Son of God.
Yeah, "S" of "G."
So, how's it going
with the Antichrist project?
I'm an acronym guy.
Yeah, I know, and sometimes
you're thinking
it's gonna make
the conversation shorter,
but it makes it longer
'cause you have to tell me what it means.
Right, but it's funner to say letters.
Yes, it is fun for you.
Do one.
Okay, how's it going with the A.C.?
My air-conditioning?
See, this is what I mean.
Antichrist.
You're playing it pretty cool
with me,
very "get out of my face, "
very "I'm not impressed
with your power and money."
You are an enormous
douche bag!
Yeah, well, you know, kids today
get distracted easily.
[ TV playing ]
BECKY:
Uh-huh.
Hey, did I, uh --
MAN ON TV:
Hi, I'm the Mayor.
My door is always open.
BECKY:
Uh-huh?
[ female voice ]
So sexy.
Here's what we have.
His name might be Jesus,
and he's very possibly a D.J.
who works nightclubs,
weddings, bar
mitzvahs, proms,
that kind of thing,
somewhere in California.
Well, you should run the
computer model again because
that sounds unlikely,
that it's another Jesus.
That's impossible.
Jesus
Yo, yo, yo.
D.J. Jesús is on the mount.
Peace, children, peace.
Hey, you, I love this!
It sounds great!
You know, I can't hear you,
but I can read your lips.
Yours was like, "blah, blah,
blah, great," right?
Aah!
Focusing on me now!
Attention turns back to me,
please!
Please [bleep] off!
Whoa.
Guys, come on.
Hey, look, everyone,
this next cut's going out to
this guy right here.
Shake it, guy, come on.
Hey [ bleep ] you, pal.
[ garbled ]
Stay out of this!
Guy, guy, peace.
[ garbled ]
Bless this brother.
Can we get some
bouncers over here?
Ding dong, Grande, let's, uh,
let's get this guy out of here,
okay?
[ squishing ]
[ squishing stops ]
Okay. Okay.
Okay, bye-bye.
Who was that?
That was the Pope.
He says we should continue to San Francisco any way we can.
[ slurps ]
Does this cocoa taste
really good to you?
[ slurps ]
It's pretty good.
[ grunting ]
SENATOR:
That's a kidney punch.
[ telephone rings ]
This is Satan.
Master, this date isn't going so well.
What's going on?
Well, for one thing,
your daughter is a little bit
high-strung.
I know, I know.
And then she starts making
eyes at this D.J. Jesús.
Are you kidding me?
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
What was his name?
- Jesús.
- I'll call you back.
I'll call you back.
Do you think that
on the coast guard cutter,
in the middle of the ocean,
they made instant cocoa
and put shaved cinnamon on it?
It's possible.
It's not possible.
SATAN:
How's the date going?
It's fantastic.
It's the best date ever.
Mm-hmm.
The club you're at.
What's the name of the club?
Armageddon. Why?
Listen, I want you to get out
of there right now
and call me when you're about
a block away.
There's gonna be a terrible,
terrible fire at the club
What? What?
Or, I don't know, maybe
a truck is gonna crash into it.
Depends on who I can get
at this time of night.
What are you talking about?
"Armageddon." Google.
What are you doing?
Gonna get the address.
Got to kill mmm, mmm again.
- No!
- What?
[ garbled ]
You're not killing my D.J.
Get out of there, Luce.
No!
[ telephone rings ]
- This is Satan.
- Hey, it's Becky.
Becky, hey.
We have new information.
I thought you'd want to know.
Me too. I just got some, too.
Can I say mine first?
- No.
Please, we got to move
quickly here.
BECKY:
I got the name of the nightclub.
SATAN:
Armageddon?
How'd you know that?
[ chuckles ]
How'd I get it?
Well, it's complicated.
BECKY:
Why?
SATAN:
Well, Lucy was actually at
that club
At Armageddon?
Yeah, flirting with
the D.J.
- Your daughter
- Mm-hmm.
-The Antichrist
- That's correct.
Was at Armageddon,
flirting with someone
who may possibly be
the Second Coming?
Mm-hmm, sounds crappy
when you say it.
I have to say something.
It's all set, though.
I'm taking care of it.
Are you?
Because it seems to me,
on my end,
that you're losing control
of your daughter.
Wrong!
Wrong, Becky!
I'm not losing control,
all right?
I'll handle it. God!
- I hope so.
Becky
'Cause from where I'm sitting
So uptight.
I got it
Under control ♪
I got it under control ♪
I am the Devil ♪
And I got you under
my control ♪
[ smooches ]
Mmm.
I love these horns.
Ohh
Ow, ow.
Oh [bleep]!
[ screaming ]
Ding dong and Grande.
Ding dong and Grande!
[ echoing ]
Dad!
La ♪
La, la ♪
[ siren wails ]
La, la, la, la, la ♪
La, la, la, la, la ♪
La, la ♪
La, la, la, la, la ♪