Ghosts (2021) s01e02 Episode Script
Hello!
1
[INSECTS TRILLING]
[WHEEZING SOFTLY]
It won't be long now.
At least she's comfortable.
- There's definitely worse ways to go.
- Mm, Amen.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Dysentery was no party.
Shh, I think it is happening.
Ah. I should sing something
to ease her transition.
Or perhaps don't make
this all about you.
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound.
Who are you?
I am the ghost of your
great-great-grandmother,
Hetty Woodstone.
Hi, I'm Flower.
I wandered over to your property
from a music festival in the '60s,
and then I tried to befriend a bear.
Drugs were involved.
I am Thorfinn. Uh
I like herring
She doesn't need the whole roster.
We are ghosts.
While most spirits pass
on to the afterlife,
we are the unfortunate few
cursed to spend eternity
- Oh, and she's gone.
- [DISAPPOINTED GROANS]
- Oh, good for her.
- So unfair.
She goes up, we stay here.
In Odin's name, why?
Yeah, it's a real drag.
Now what's going to happen to the house?
This house was my pride and joy.
Now it could get sold to God knows who.
Murderers. Perverts.
Irishmen.
Well, there's no use
milling about up here.
Shall we go mill about downstairs?
- May as well.
- Yeah, sure.
I just hope someone
interesting moves in, ya know?
Like a ballplayer, or an astronaut.
Whose life are you guys
hoping to watch next?
- Oy.
- Oh, be quiet.
SAMANTHA: Oh, my God,
this is the house?
JAY: Whoa, so so we just
- own this now? What's the catch?
- No, no. There's no catch.
As I explained to
your wife on the phone,
her relative passed away
and left her this estate.
Great-Aunt Sophie. I think
I met her when I was a kid,
but I-I thought she died years ago.
No, no, she just passed.
But the good news is,
you're her next of kin.
Didn't she have a son?
Well, more good news, he
actually did die years ago.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, yeah, that's not, um
How much do you think we
could sell this place for?
Assuming we want to sell.
Uh, yeah, we're not moving
into a 300-year-old house
in the middle of nowhere,
because that would be
Right, Sam?
Well, it's just we
don't know the facts yet.
- Obviously, yes, we're probably going to sell.
- Yeah.
- He thinks I'm a little impulsive.
- Ah, just a smidge.
Well, there are a
limited number of buyers
for a property this size, right?
So, you have your bed
and breakfast operators
- [GASPS] What if we opened a bed and breakfast?
- [LAUGHS]
- Here we go.
- Aren't you sick of the city?
No. We work insane hours
to live in a shoebox
that we can barely afford,
and somebody's offering us a mansion.
Sam, we don't know the first
thing about running a B and B.
You're a chef. That's, like,
half of the Bs right there.
Plus, I can write freelance
articles from anywhere,
so we have income while
we're getting up and running.
That is an annoyingly strong
argument, you have to admit it.
Okay, let's do this.
We haven't seen the place,
so we'll go up there for the weekend,
- and then we'll talk about it.
- Yes! Thank you.
- It is a really nice place.
- It is.
And it's ours, for free.
There's gotta be
something wrong with it.
Babe, it's so charming.
What could possibly be wrong with it?
Okay, so, it's the summer of '98.
My Lehman Brothers boys
and I, we scooped a copter
to beat the traffic out to the Hamptons,
'cause that's how we roll.
Anyway, we're on a list
for this very exclusive shindig
at Surf Lodge in Montauk.
Tara Reid's birthday.
- 'Nuff said. So
- Yeah, but,
who is Tara Reid?
Seriously? She was a movie star.
Oh. Silent or talkies, sweetheart?
Uh, what is a movie again?
It's the It's the play
that they project on a screen.
We've been through this.
When you say "project"
What is "play?"?
God, I hate being the
most recently dead.
Anyway, yada yada yada, it
was a great night. The end.
Okay.
[WEAK APPLAUSE]
PETE: Okay, well, thank you, Trevor,
for that talk of the day on partying.
No, it was very high-level partying.
You don't get it, so,
you know, whatever.
All right, well, tomorrow,
of course, is food club,
when Thor will be explaining
the subtle differences
between types of cod.
It will be similar to salmon lecture,
- but more cod focused.
- Ooh.
Oh! Oh! It's one of those
how you say it's a ship on land.
Landship! Landship!
It's not a landship, you nincompoop.
That's a horseless carriage.
Bro, check out that body.
Slammin'.
Indeed. He'd have
made a fine militiaman.
Holy crap.
Beats the hell out of our
fifth-floor walkup, huh?
Okay, yeah, it's impressive,
but can you reach the
fridge from your bed?
- I think not.
- This air is so clean.
And that guy at the
gas station in town
- What was his name, Carl?
- Yeah.
He was folksy, right?
I mean, he did call
me a woman for wearing
a video game shirt, which
doesn't make any sense,
but, yeah, Carl had a certain charm.
ISAAC: They're coming in.
- Let's go.
- Whoa!
Ah, geez, not again.
Wait!
[EXHALES] Wow.
Okay, this is huge.
And it's all ours.
I got to admit, it would be nice
to have a little bit of space.
Exactly. New York is full of people.
We're never alone.
This must be them.
The new folks that own the house.
Can you believe this place has been
in my family for six generations?
She's a relative of yours, Hetty.
Well, I should hope not,
with her exposed knees
and that saucy hairdo.
- Wow.
- SASAPPIS: At least it's just the two of them.
There's still plenty of room for us.
ISAAC: Yes. Yes. Two
people is manageable.
Limited commotion.
No old lady bedridden while
disease eats away at her,
but we knew those good
times couldn't last forever.
PETE: You know, a young couple
could be really fun to watch.
- Oh, hell yeah, they would.
- Okay, Trevor.
Before I forget
- What is that?
- Whoa, whoa.
- What are you doing?
- This is sage.
- I'm cleansing the space.
- JAY: Oh, come on.
Babe, this is Old House 101.
You light this stuff, and
it wards off evil spirits.
- [ALL GASP]
- What did she say?
Does that work?
Do you really believe in that?
Better safe than sorry.
- [SNIFFS] It's actually delightful.
- Oh.
- Yeah, it's divine.
- Oh, lemme hit that.
- I would enjoy a
- Is that sage or is that her?
- Reminds me of torched village.
- Okay, people, people.
There is enough spirit
repellant for all of us.
Jay, we have a library.
- This place is, like, old school rich.
- I know.
I did a little research.
Apparently, my ancestors who lived here
were actual robber barons.
Like, cartoon evil,
slept-on-a-bed-of-gold types.
I mean, we did that once.
Okay, they actually seem really nice.
They remind me of this
couple I was married to
when I was on the commune.
And a little of this
couple I was married to
when I was in the cult.
Honestly, it's, like, way more beat up
than in any of the pictures.
Excuse me?
It could use a little
TLC, but we can fix it up.
Boy, she is really "can do."
I am rooting for these kids.
I cannot help it.
I'm telling you, babe,
this place is going to
make an amazing hotel.
[GHOSTS GASP]
What is "hotel"?
I'll tell you what a hotel is.
A hotel is our worst nightmare.
Every room in this
house filled with people
coming and going.
Sleeping in our beds
Libertines!
And you don't even want
to know about the clutter,
Thorfinn, my fastidious
Viking friend. Ooh!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Why?! Why?!
Trash can right there. [GRUNTS]
No!
[SHUDDERS] I hate
getting walked through.
It's probably the worst
pain I can think of.
No, wait, arrow through
the neck. That beats it.
Okay, new plan:
kill them!
Uh, we can't kill them.
- Yeah, that's not nice.
- ALBERTA: No, I mean we don't have the ability.
Can't pick up a gun, can't
put their feet in cement
and drop them off a
country bridge. [CHUCKLES]
I went with a bootlegger
for a spell. You hear things.
Plus, even if we could
physically grapple them,
that husband fellow would overpower us.
I mean, have you seen his shoulders
and that V-shaped back?
In summary, we must do something.
Wait, what why don't we just try
haunting?
We scare them away. We're ghosts!
- Ooh.
- FLOWER: Whoa!
Yeah! It's a good plan, right?
Oh, no, sorry, I was just
seeing some major trails.
What are we talking about?
This plan of Trevor's
fills me with discomfort.
The line between the
living and ourselves
is one we should respect.
- Who are we to [CRIES OUT]
- [GHOSTS GROANING]
Found my jacket!
[ALL CLAMORING]
- [CRIES OUT]
- [GHOSTS EXCLAIM]
[PANTING]
All right, let's haunt
these bastards out of here.
[CHEERING]
JAY: Hey, Boo-Boo.
- The water from the tap was disgusting.
- Oh.
So, I went to the gas station
and I got us some coffee.
- Aw, thank you.
- Yeah. Carl says hi,
and he called me a snowflake
for wearing flip-flops.
- Classic Carl.
- Yeah.
Okay, gun to your head:
Canary Yellow or Lavender Mist?
Oh, okay, we're putting up paint. Nice.
Haven't decided if we're staying
but we're putting up paint.
You know what? I-I think we should just
knock the whole wall
down while we're at it.
Do you think it's load-bearing?
What? What is this? What are you doing?
Do you even know what
sound you're listening for?
Not sure, but it makes me
feel like Joanna Gaines,
and I'm not mad at that.
- Ooh.
- Wanna come be my Chip, big boy?
Um, yes please.
Wait a minute, why do we only
role-play couples from HGTV?
- Please don't kink shame me.
- [BIRD COOING]
JAY: Oh, it's adorable.
There's a bird in our room,
because of course there is.
Okay, you're right, this place
needs a little bit of work.
- Here he comes!
- Hit the deck!
Now, let's take inventory of
the skills at our disposal.
Thor, as we all know,
is able to do that thing
with the electrics because
he was struck by lightning.
[STRAINING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I am powerful.
- Oh, Isaac, what about your thing?
- Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, yes, no, I don't know to
what it is you refer. Okay
You died of dysentery.
Yeah, it smells like a fart
when the living walk through you.
[LAUGHTER] It's nasty.
- You stink, you stink.
- It's not pleasant.
[FAKE LAUGHS] Okay.
I get it. We all get it.
And trust me, you don't need to be
so harsh in your condemnations.
It is far worse for
me than it is for thee.
Okay, moving on. What else?
Well, I was thinking since Alberta
was a singer in life and
can project her humming
into the world of the living,
what if we had her hum the song
from the movie Ghost to scare them?
Huh? Kinda thematic, right?
You know we don't know
what that is, Pete.
Oh, right, the movie thing.
Welcome to my hell.
You guys would actually love it.
There was this amazing scene
where the main girl
was making pottery
We don't have time for this.
And then this hunky,
shirtless guy comes in
Well, we do have some time.
The haunting isn't imminent. Go on.
It's fine. I get it.
I'll hum something scary.
Oh, Trevor has to do his amazing thing.
That must be the topper.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE] Yeah. Do it!
You're very kind.
ALBERTA: Come on, Trev.
- Oh, sorry, hold on, it's just
- You got it, you got it.
- Focus. Focus, focus.
- You got it.
[STRAINING]
[CHEERING]
- Yo, T-money did it!
- Scary!
Oh, it's good!
Troops, I believe we are ready.
Tonight, get your sleep,
for tomorrow we strike!
- [CHEERING]
- Yes!
[CHOKES]
[PAINED SHOUTING]
The hot water's not working!
Okay, people, he's coming
out. Man your posts.
Good luck, everybody. And have fun!
The hot water's out again.
SAMANTHA: One second!
And go, Thor!
[STRAINING]
What the
Come on.
[STRAINING]
[SHOUTS, GROANS]
Ah.
Man down! Alberta, you're up.
Trevor, you're on deck.
You know, it kinda feels
like I'm opening for Trevor.
Now, I don't need to
headline this haunting, but
- Not now!
- Ugh, okay. Fine.
[HUMMING]
[HUMMING]
- [POP MUSIC DROWNS OUT HUMMING]
- I got the stereo working.
- Cool.
- Go on.
[WHIMPERS]
[GAGGING]
- [SNIFFING]
- Ugh, babe.
Nice try, that was you.
Are you on a juice cleanse?
Close it out, Trevor.
You're our only hope.
Okay, you can't blame the other person
when there's only one other person.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
[CRYING OUT]
You know I couldn't
produce that if I tried.
- [CRYING OUT]
- Come on, man!
Bring the fortitude.
That is disgusting.
Oh, come on, you gaslighter.
- [TREVOR STRAINING] - JAY: You got
a cute butt, but it's got a foul mouth.
[PANTING]
Huh. Haunting is hard.
Ooh, that is rank.
- Shut up.
- All right.
Babe? What are you doing?
I'm gonna fix the water heater.
It's probably just the gas, right?
This has got to be simple,
just turn the pilot on?
SAMANTHA: This place is so creepy.
Much better.
- Who are these guys?
- I don't know.
Jay, that looks kinda ancient.
Maybe we should just
call a professional.
No, no. We're not dumping
a bunch of money into this house.
Plus, I want to take a shower now.
Counterclockwise.
Okay, it's just I don't think
you know what you're doing.
[LOUD SQUEAK]
- Uh-oh.
- That's not good.
- That should do it.
- That won't do it.
- Think I got it.
- He didn't.
At least they left the light on.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- [GHOSTS GROAN]
- Damn it.
[STRAINING]
- Trevor?
- God.
What-what are you doing?
The livings aren't even here.
No, I know, I know. This isn't for them.
This is between T-Money and the vahse.
It's personal.
I've always said vayse.
- Can you please
- Sorry.
Aw!
Still freezing.
Okay, well, the good news is
we're going back to New
York this afternoon anyway,
so we can just fix it when we come back.
You mean if we come back.
Okay, we're having this conversation.
Sam, um
I'm just gonna come
out and say it, okay?
[MUTTERS UNINTELLIGIBLY]
- Pardon?
- [MUTTERS UNINTELLIGIBLY]
- I didn't hear you.
- I don't want to move here.
- [GHOSTS GASP]
- Well, this just got interesting.
Very interesting.
Like finding new type
of cod interesting.
- [STRAINING]
- Come on.
- Okay, a little too close.
- Sure. Okay.
Oh, that was I was
That was gonna be it.
- That was gonna be it. Really.
- I know. I felt that.
That was so close.
I came up here with
an open mind, for sure,
but this whole bed and breakfast idea
I mean, come on.
Do we really want to leave New York?
Jay, I love you, but you know that you
- get a bit scared of change.
- Mm.
But it's okay to try
something different.
- Yes, I agree and I'm willing to try something different
- Yes.
Below 14th Street.
[LAUGHS] He's cute Funny!
I don't know what it is but I-I
feel a connection to this place.
I could see a future
here, us raising a family.
I want all that, babe,
but-but, we're in way over our heads.
This place is falling apart.
It is kind of a dump.
Oh, shut up.
[STRAINING]
[LAUGHING, CHEERING]
We did it!
[LAUGHING]
So, that's it? We just do what you want?
- If we're both gonna be making some big crazy move
- Mm-hmm.
then-then we should at least
both be able to agree on it.
Fine! But you know what, Jay?
Sometimes you gotta just do
something a little bold, ya know?
Put some Canary Yellow up
and get out of your
neutral-palette mindset.
What? What are you What was that?
Neutrals go with everything.
Haven't you learned anything
from Love It or List It?
Well, I don't know what
any of those words mean,
but I know that he
won't be laying with her
for several moons! [LAUGHS]
That was amazing. You're incredible.
Whoa, whoa, watch out!
[GASPS]
[GRUNTING]
- Bro, that's not good.
- JAY: Sam?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Sam, hey!
[AUDIO DISTORTED]: Sam.
Sam! Oh, my God. Sam!
[JAY'S VOICE FADES]
Murderer.
Okay, again,
I didn't mean for her to trip and fall.
You have to believe me, I
would never intentionally
hurt anyone that hot.
[GROANS] Aw, husband guy looks so sad.
I remember when I died.
Ira looked so scared.
Because he didn't want to lose me.
And also because he was trying
to get away from the bear.
Could you imagine if
she doesn't make it?
What a terrible last memory for him.
Ending things in an argument.
Carol and I argued
the last time we spoke.
It's funny, it felt like such a big deal
at the time, and now
I can't even tell you
what it was we were arguing about.
PETE: You never think, when
you close that door behind you,
that that'll be the last time
you walk through that door.
But then I had my
accident, and I realized
I'm never gonna see my wife again.
I'm never gonna get to
speak to her, to hold her,
to tell her how much I love her.
Oh, wait! I remember what
we were fighting about.
She ate all the donut holes,
and she doesn't even like donut holes.
It was just to spite me.
Which was just like her,
that selfish so-and-so.
[GASPS] Pete. [EXHALES]
Uh, the point is
life is precious.
What is donut hole?
It's just a round donut
It's what's miss It doesn't matter.
It's a tough loss.
- [TOILET FLUSHES]
- What's wrong?
The Knicks blew a ten-point
lead to the Nuggets. Damn it.
Well, I hope you were
at least this upset
when I was technically
dead for three minutes.
Let's get you home.
- Go slow.
- Okay.
Home awaiting
In the sky
Oh, in the sky.
Thank you, Alberta.
I don't know how many
times we've heard that song.
- 487.
- But it gets better every time.
Landship! Landship!
- FLOWER:
- The livings, man! They're back.
[GASPS] Oh, she's alive.
Oh, thank God.
Wait, is there any scarring?
How's the punim?
I thought we were going home.
Yeah, I just wanted to
swing by the house real quick
and show you something.
So, while you were
sleeping for two weeks
- Coma.
- Coma. I had a contractor come in
just to give us an estimate
on what needs to be done.
And guess what. It's way more
than I could have ever imagined.
It's like a new foundation,
it's new floors
Jay, it's fine. You know, I'm
okay with selling the place.
I had some time to
think, and you were right.
I think the whole bed and breakfast idea
- was probably crazy.
- Well, then, call me crazy,
'cause we're doing it.
MAN: Hey, Mikey, how you doing?
What's going on?
That's the contractor.
If we're gonna make a go of this,
we're gonna need some help.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- We're staying?!
- We're doubling down, baby!
I maxed out the credit
cards, I cashed in the IRA,
despite the very vocal
objections of my father.
News flash: we're deeply in debt.
If this bed and breakfast
fails, we're really screwed.
I don't understand. What happened?
Almost losing you made me
realize that I don't care
where we live, because
as long as I'm with you,
I'm home.
Was it corny? Did it sound corny?
I'm not gonna lie, I practiced it.
It was so corny.
Show me the house!
Aw, they made up.
I'm very glad Samantha is okay.
Me, too. Wait.
Who are these other people?
FLOWER: It looks like
a construction crew.
O'Malley.
MAN: Electricians, check the main panel.
- Look out for loose wirings.
- MAN 2: Got it.
Roofers, be careful up there.
Harness required, and make sure you know
where you're dropping the tiles.
MAN 3: - On it!
Oh, you're dressed kind of
nice for a construction worker.
JAY: Hey. Hey, babe.
Come with me, there's one more thing
- I want to show you.
- SAMANTHA: Oh.
Got a surprise.
Come on. Hey, hey, easy.
So that's it, then.
They're going through
with this hotel situation.
- We'll be overrun.
- The clutter!
Okay, yes, the hotel
will be a nightmare,
but gosh darn it, I did
miss those crazy kids.
She talked to me! She talked
to me! She talked to me.
And I think she kinda hit
on me, I'm not entirely sure,
but there was definitely a spark.
But she talked to me!
Good God.
PETE: Please, lower your hands.
And baa-dow.
Uh-uh, what is that?
That is the Canary Yellow you wanted.
- You painted the room.
- I know, I know.
You know, I wasn't
sure about it at first,
but it's growing on me.
- What the hell?
- Yeah, yeah, you're right.
It's a lot of yellow. Oh,
you know what we could do?
We could put up a muted accent wall.
This can't be real.
Okay, you're not loving it.
It's no big deal. It's just paint.
Oh, my God.
What are you looking at?
- I think you're right. She can see us.
- Uh-huh.
Who are you?
Uh, hi, I'm Jay, I'm your husband.
- Do you need to lie down?
- I can explain.
We are ghosts, those poor spirits
who dwell on, compelled
for reasons unknown to
[SCREAMS]
[BIRD CAWING]
[SIGHS]
[SOFT CLATTERING]
[GASPS]
[SIGHS]: Ah.
Hello!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
- Well?
- Yup, she can still see us.
Yes!
Also, she's apparently a little cranky
before she's had her coffee.
Troops, never before have
we possessed the ability
to communicate with a Living.
We are in uncharted waters.
Those are worst type of waters,
unless, of course, you find cod.
ISAAC: This opens up intriguing
possibilities to get them to leave.
Namely: Diplomacy.
Thankfully, you're looking at
the man who negotiated an end
to the Siege of Fort Ticonderoga.
You surrendered
unconditionally to the British.
But we lived to fight another day.
You died of dysentery two weeks later.
Did I?
Thank you. Thank you.
Point is: I'm good at talking.
Don't talk to enemy, destroy them.
Then toast their deaths
with horns full of mead!
Okay, that boy has some
serious anger issues.
Why do we have to
make the Livings leave?
It just seems like such a bummer.
Because, they're planning
on turning my beloved
Woodstone Mansion into a hotel,
that's why. We'll be overrun!
Exactly! We can't let these
invaders take our land.
Do you hear it? At all?
Do you hear the words
that you're saying?
PETE: You know, we don't have
to talk her into leaving
or destroy anyone.
We could just befriend her and
ask her not to open the hotel.
So, no hotel, but the hot
chick stays? I like that plan.
Yeah, could be useful to have
a Living that we can talk to.
Ooh, I can get her to
look into the details
surrounding my mysterious death.
Oh, please. You had a heart attack.
- Which was likely brought on by poisoning.
- Okay.
My death, like my life,
was spectacular. Had to be!
No way I went out from something
boring like a busted ticker.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
My doc was pretty worried
about my blood pressure.
Luckily, didn't turn out
to be a problem. [LAUGHS]
Oh, what happened?
There's an arr
we've been through this.
- Jay! Where were you?
- I was in the attic.
- Are you okay?
- Jay, they're back. I woke up,
- and one was in the bathroom
- Whoa, whoa, okay, okay.
These are just residual
effects from your accident.
- What happened?
- I ran into the door
when I tried to attack
him with a toilet brush.
Um, is that like to ghosts what
wooden stakes are to vampires?
It was the only thing handy!
Please don't make fun
of me. I really saw one.
Okay, okay. Um, have you seen
one since you hit your head?
No.
Do you think somehow hitting my
head the second time cured me?
I mean, if you haven't seen
one since you hit your head,
- you're probably out of the woods.
- Oh, my God.
They're back! They're here.
They're all behind you.
Hello! Sorry about before.
I don't see anybody.
I would like to formally
open negotiations to discuss
- your withdrawal from Woodstone Mansion.
- Hear, hear.
There's a hippie and a Viking.
- Be gone!
- Peace!
And a guy dressed like Hamilton.
Hamilton? How do you
know about Hamilton?
One of them's not wearing any pants.
- Oh, yeah? You like that?
- Hi. Alberta.
Can you help me find
out who murdered me?
Hey, babe, remember
what the doctor said.
You-you might experience
some visual disturbances.
[GASPING]: I'm sorry.
Y you're talking
about Alexander Hamilton?
Did that little twerp become famous?
- Wait. Isn't that the guy on the ten-dollar bill?
- The what?
They seem really real.
- Well, of course we're real!
- We're right here.
- He's on paper currency?
- THORFINN: You're hearing us!
Okay, but what do you think
is more likely?
Do you think you're seeing ghosts,
or do you think you're suffering
symptoms of a severe concussion?
ALL: Ghosts. Yeah. Obviously.
Concussion.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- No!
They're all in your head.
You just ignore them,
and they'll go away.
- Ignore us?
- Well, that's rude.
You go get some rest
because your man is
taking care of business.
- Do you know how that works?
- Mm Oh.
No. No, I do not.
- But the Internet does.
- The Internet?
It's an invention for looking
up stock prices and porn.
I'm gonna let the contractors
handle the big things.
But you know what? Papa
Bear's gonna save some money
where I can, because we're not all
Mr. Moneybags here, am I right?
[GASPS] From where did you find
this awful painting of
my philandering husband?
Oh, yeah, Elias. I remember
when he sat for that painting.
- And then when he slept with the artist.
- Yeah.
Okay, I guess I'll just go lie down.
You're gonna be better in no time.
The bones have spoken,
and they foresee your doom!
Right. Thanks.
[DRILL WHIRRING]
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
[GROANS]
What are you doing in my room?
- Oh, yeah, this is gonna make a dope man cave.
- What?
A cave of men? What does that even mean?
[DRILL WHIRRING]
[BOTH GASP]
Oh, no.
What are what are
you what are you doing?
Oh, hey, Hetty. This is fun.
[GASPS] This is not fun.
This horrible man has destroyed
the sanctity of our rooms.
Oh, it's like we're roommates.
- You got this.
- [DRILL WHIRS]
- Oh.
- Oh!
- Crap.
- Are you mad?
You've made it even bigger!
No, no, no, don't walk away!
Yay!
Hey, who's your favorite boy ghost?
I'd say Thor, but he really scares me,
- but I kind of like that.
- You know what? No. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
ISAAC: This Jay fellow has
ruined our ability to communicate
with Samantha by convincing
her that we are not real!
Which is a serious setback.
In the face of which, a lesser leader
might give up.
Like, for instance
oh, I don't know
Hamilton.
- Dude is obsessed.
- Mm.
He was a terrible commander.
He was all about himself!
Whereas I I was known for
making men under me happy.
How are we supposed to befriend Sam,
or "drive her from the land,"
yeah, yeah, if she's just ignoring us?
Enemy's not supposed to
ignore. It hurts feelings.
We don't let her ignore us.
We do the same thing I did in '98
when Lizzie Grubman told
me the list was closed
for Diddy's White Party.
We keep bugging her!
- What kind of party?
- What is "Diddy"?
It's a jaunty little song.
The references are not important!
The point is, we don't give up.
We keep bugging her. Now
is when we double down!
So simple, yet so brilliant.
- Thank you.
- We don't allow her to ignore us.
- [LAUGHS]
- Yes.
- Yes, we will pester her in the kitchen.
- [OTHERS AGREEING]
And we will annoy her
in the living room.
- Yeah!
- My idea.
We will make her life a living hell
so she has no choice but
to finally acknowledge us!
Yes! Yes!
And then we drive them from this land!
- Yes!
- Or have a nice, friendly chat!
- That one. You do that one.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
She will rue the day!
Chop their legs off,
hang them from trees!
- Roll it back. It's too much!
- You're making it weird.
PETE: Hi there!
Hello?
All right, I know you're actively
ignoring us, but that's okay.
I was married for 16 years, so I get it.
[LAUGHS]
Ah. Oh, you looked at me.
She looked at me! Ooh, it's working.
Aah! Death to our enemies!
Is it getting any better?
Um
Now who would want me dead?
I was a beloved jazz singer.
- Not really.
- [YAWNS]: I'm sorry, sweetie.
I'm sure it'll be better tomorrow.
Okay, there was one person.
She thought I was having
an affair with her husband.
[LAUGHS] I was sleeping with him,
but she didn't know that, so in a way,
I kind of wasn't as far as she knew.
FLOWER: So then the bear
raised his arms to attack me,
but the shrooms were kicking in,
and I thought he just wanted a hug.
You know, how everyone
talks about bear hugs?
They're not talking about
hugs from actual bears.
Can you please stop
talking? I'm trying to sleep.
Oh, yeah. No, totally.
Yeah, no, I'm so tired, too.
Why do we sleep?
- I don't know.
- When I was at Woodstock,
I didn't sleep at all, 'cause
I didn't want to miss anything,
especially the Grateful Dead.
I was a huge "Deadhead,"
which was ironic,
because I wasn't even dead at the time.
I don't care.
[GASPS]
Look, I get it.
Who wants to think they're
seeing ghosts? It's scary.
You know what's scarier? Eternity.
So, I find ways to break
it up, create some drama.
Like yesterday, I told Alberta
that Hetty said she didn't like her hat.
Now, did Hetty really say that?
Well, I will take that answer to
my grave, which will never come.
Which is why I have to
do this kind of stuff.
Oh, hi there. I'm Steve.
Unbelievable. Jay, there's another one!
He's a big guy with a greasy beard.
- Hey.
- JAY: Hey, babe.
Have you met Steve?
- Here you go.
- Wait. You can see him?
W what's happening?
Sam, Steve! He's here to
help us with the cable.
Who is this man? Another invader?
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Steve.
I haven't been sleeping
well. It's great to meet you.
Um, that should about
do it. I went ahead
- and gave you three months of the sports package.
- Cool.
He too shall feel our wrath.
Shut up, uh
About that sports package, Steve.
What a deal!
Yeah. R right?
I'm-I'm I'm gonna test her out.
[CHEERING]
ANNOUNCER: The Vikings were known
for their prowess on the battlefield,
often overpowering
What is this magical window?
Hello!
Oh, okay. Well, I'm down
for a stroll. [LAUGHS]
Where we headed? On
behalf of my fellow ghosts,
- I'd just like to welcome you to
- You're not real.
I mean, I'm not technically
alive, but I am real.
No, you're not.
- You're answering me.
- No, I'm not.
Okay, I thought of a couple other people
who may have wanted me dead.
Any chance you could hop
the train down to Memphis
- and knock on some doors?
- Hey, am I crazy,
- or is there chemistry here?
- This isn't happening!
I know. I didn't expect this, either.
ISAAC: Okay, so this
machine truly has access
to the entire breadth
of human knowledge?
Yeah, pretty much.
Okay, I need you to look up
"Alexander Hamilton" on this.
[LAUGHS]
Do you know how long it would take me
to type all those letters?
- I must know what he went on to do.
- [SCOFFS]
He haunts me, and I'm a damn ghost.
- [SNIFFLES]
- Okay, buddy, stand back.
Let me work my magic.
[RHYTHMIC EXHALING]
[INHALES SHARPLY]
My God, the pageantry.
- Do you want this, or not?
- Yes. No, I do.
- Shh!
- I I like it.
- Ah
- Come on! Come on!
You've got it! You've got it!
Ah And
- Ah!
- [LAUGHS]
Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
- Oh, amazing. Okay, next letter. Next letter!
- Oh
Mmm. Thor can smell the salty brine.
- There's my toolbox.
- ANNOUNCER: The preparation for the cod hunt
was a ritual of great importance
- in Viking society.
- Look at you.
Come on! Electricity!
Oh, by the loins of Freya, why?
Small man?!
[WATER DRIPPING]
Well, if it isn't "Mr. Fix It."
- Why has he got a hammer?
- Who knows?
- Okay.
- Oh, no, no.
Oh, no. Oh, you fool!
- What are you doing?
- Is he crazy, man?
Stop it! Just stop it!
God, I know we're dead,
but he's trying to kill us.
"Psychotic breaks."
- Okay, that's me.
- HETTY: A moment of your time.
- That's also me.
- You must repair my wall.
I cannot spend another night listening
to that bohemian blather
away. I won't do it!
Bring back my people to the thing
the sorcerer's window!
You are a strong, sane woman.
You are a strong, sane woman!
Hey, big head.
I don't want you anyway.
See? Say something negative,
get 'em off balance.
Oh, I don't know why I didn't
start with this."Depression,
difficulty concentrating"
JAY: Babe, can you please
bring me my screwdriver?
Sure thing.
- She moves!
- Do not walk away from me!
She can't move too fast with
those slightly-too-large ankles!
This is genius.
- You cannot escape us!
- [GASPS] Oh!
No way I'm going down there.
No, no, they they are terrifying.
Jay, I think there's something
very wrong Oh, my God!
- What?
- What do you mean, "what?"
There's a bunch of zombies down here.
Zombies? Zombies aren't real.
We are ghosts. We all died of cholera.
It wasn't great.
Babe, I think you really
just need some more rest.
We are way past rest. We
need to go to a hospital now.
Okay. Well, I'll drive you.
Red valve. Tell him
[LOUD, OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
Please turn the red valve!
Can you turn the red valve?
- What?
- Can you just turn the red valve?
It it's kind of urgent,
if you like the house.
- MAN: There you go!
- WOMAN: Yes.
How did you know about the red?
Can we get the hell out of here, please?
- Okay.
- No. Wait. Don't do that.
Oh, come on Oh. Nuts.
I'm just saying, it's been
three days, and I'm not feeling
any better, so I'm
starting to freak out.
Well, I have to be honest.
I don't think this will get better.
- What?
- It seems as if your accident left you so close
to death, that you somehow
obtained the ability
to actually see dead people. [LAUGHS]
That can't be possible
It is quite rare, but
I've seen it before.
The last time was around 85 years ago.
Wait. How how old are you?
Well, I was about 50 when I died.
Now, sorry about that.
I'll let you visit
with your living doctor.
- What seems to be troubling you?
- [GASPS]
She's excellent, by the way.
THORFINN [LAUGHING]: This is amazing.
The plan's working!
Working? Thor, she ran off screaming.
We've driven her insane.
Oh, what does it
matter? Nothing matters.
- What's up with soldier boy?
- Isaac had me look up
"Alexander Hamilton" on Jay's computer.
His list of accomplishments
was even grander
than I could have imagined.
And then we looked up Isaac.
" graduated Dartmouth,
died of dysentery."
That's it? That's all it says?!
I was mentioned in but one
academic journal, in a footnote.
I'm literally a footnote in history!
Well, Dartmouth is very good.
[COUGHING]: Safety school.
My life meant nothing.
Whereas my rival is known to this day.
There was even a musical about him!
You're really fixated
on that musical thing.
Well, this might come as a shock to you,
- since you see me as this tough military type
- Mm.
but musical theater is
actually a passion of mine.
Hmm.
I'm just saying, maybe we
should have just stuck around
for a little while
heard her out. Maybe done the MRI?
There's no point.
They're not gonna find anything,
because I now know there's
nothing wrong with me!
Okay, but the doctor said
That was the living doctor!
Of course she thinks I'm delusional.
She's not trained for this.
But the ghost doctor
Okay, that's where you start to lose me.
If the ghosts were all in my head,
I'd be seeing the same
ones at the hospital
as I do back at the
house, but they're not.
I see different ones
in different places.
Like that guy. Hey, bud.
What guy?
I know it's not great news,
but at least I'm not crazy.
No, no, Jay, look out!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Phew. They were already dead.
- Sorry.
- What?!
- Just drive.
- I can't. I can't. I I
Listen, I know this is
a lot, but I'm with you.
No matter what, in
sickness and in health.
Okay? Because I love you.
- Aw. He's a keeper.
- [GASPS]
- Hold that thought.
- What was that? Sam?
- Sam?
- Sam?
Sam?
Hold on. Hold up, Sam!
Sam, was there one in the car?
Sam, was there one in the car?
- [DOOR OPENS]
- PETE: She's coming. Here she comes!
Ooh!
Okay, fine. I see all of you,
I admit your existence. Happy?
- Well, I mean, what is happy?
- It's a good step, babe.
Great. But this is our house now.
We inherited it, so, it is
time for you all to leave.
It has been nice to meet you, thank you,
but you can go haunt someone else now.
[LAUGHTER]
She's funny, too. That's great.
ALBERTA: Girl, we can't leave.
Yeah, you just sort
of stay where you die.
And how you die.
It's your classic haunted house.
So, it seems it's the two of you
who should leave, thank you kindly.
Well, that's not happening.
We've already sunk all
our money into this place.
Plus, I see dead people wherever I go,
so leaving doesn't even help me.
Okay, I'm back to freaked out again.
Babe, just a second.
It seems like we're
stuck with each other.
But it is not going to go on like this,
with all of you up in
my face all of the time.
So, what is it going to take
for you to leave me alone, huh?
What do you want?
You! Viking guy, what do you want?
I want to see my people in
the magic box once a day!
- What?
- He wants to watch a show about Vikings on TV.
- Fine.
- Yes!
You, Wolf of Wall
Street, what do you want?
Leave him, kill yourself,
become a ghost and get with me.
But let's keep it casual.
- Gross.
- What'd he say?
You.
I heard you mention you were a writer.
I'd like you to pen
my biography, so that
history may know my name.
Now that is actually quite interesting.
And then take that book, and adapt it
into an award-winning Broadway musical.
I want you to invite the descendants
of the ten most likely suspects
of my murder to a dinner party.
Find out who did it, and exact revenge.
[LAUGHS] No.
- Uh, you, Woodstock what do you want?
- Woodstock?
Uh, I'm easy. Just world peace.
And an end to bear attacks?
Sure. You? Downton Abbey?
Take down that painting
of my awful husband,
and patch up the hole your
awful husband put in my wall.
He's not awful when you get to know him.
- Wait a minute.
- You, next.
I'd like the entire Hudson
Valley returned to the Lenape.
Barring that, maybe keep the
radio on in the afternoons?
- Mm, excellent idea.
- That's a good one.
- Yes!
- We could use some beats in here.
- Oh, I'd love to dance.
- ALBERTA: Play my album, Bonsoir.
- That would be fun.
- Okay, so that is everybody.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, what about you?
I just wanted to say hi and welcome.
- Hi.
- Welcome! [LAUGHS]
Wow. So, everybody feeling good?
I'm pretty far from good.
Ah, my husband still thinks I'm nuts.
You know what? Follow me.
SAMANTHA: Okay, now
ignite the flame, and
release the gas knob slowly.
[CLICKING] Okay.
Now hit it twice on
the side, right there.
- Hit it?
- Seriously.
Okay, now turn the gas knob
on, and you'll hear a "whoomph."
Nothing.
Actually, a little past
"on." The calibration's off.
It's been wonky for
the last 40 years or so.
- [WHOOSH]
- Whoa. Whoa.
See? How else would I know any of this?
Okay. Well, I guess I believe you.
And thank you.
They say, "You're welcome."
"They"? There's two of them?
Yup.
Are we done here?
SAMANTHA: Oh.
- All taken care of?
- Yup.
Yup, covered the hole right up.
This is not the solution. This is worse!
I demand you remedy this posthaste!
If you're here, you're welcome.
- Are you starting a new article?
- Toying around
- with a book idea, actually.
- Ooh.
Mm-mm-mm. More writey-writey,
less talky-talky.
Now, where was I?
- You were telling me about your wife.
- Huh?
Oh, no. No, not you. It's
a it's a ghost thing.
All right. Well, uh, have fun.
ISAAC: Ah, yes, Beatrice.
She was a handsome woman.
We slept in separate bedrooms,
to keep the flame of our
passion burning bright.
Now, let's talk military service.
I was a beloved commander, though
I was known for riding my men hard.
[INSECTS TRILLING]
[WHEEZING SOFTLY]
It won't be long now.
At least she's comfortable.
- There's definitely worse ways to go.
- Mm, Amen.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Dysentery was no party.
Shh, I think it is happening.
Ah. I should sing something
to ease her transition.
Or perhaps don't make
this all about you.
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound.
Who are you?
I am the ghost of your
great-great-grandmother,
Hetty Woodstone.
Hi, I'm Flower.
I wandered over to your property
from a music festival in the '60s,
and then I tried to befriend a bear.
Drugs were involved.
I am Thorfinn. Uh
I like herring
She doesn't need the whole roster.
We are ghosts.
While most spirits pass
on to the afterlife,
we are the unfortunate few
cursed to spend eternity
- Oh, and she's gone.
- [DISAPPOINTED GROANS]
- Oh, good for her.
- So unfair.
She goes up, we stay here.
In Odin's name, why?
Yeah, it's a real drag.
Now what's going to happen to the house?
This house was my pride and joy.
Now it could get sold to God knows who.
Murderers. Perverts.
Irishmen.
Well, there's no use
milling about up here.
Shall we go mill about downstairs?
- May as well.
- Yeah, sure.
I just hope someone
interesting moves in, ya know?
Like a ballplayer, or an astronaut.
Whose life are you guys
hoping to watch next?
- Oy.
- Oh, be quiet.
SAMANTHA: Oh, my God,
this is the house?
JAY: Whoa, so so we just
- own this now? What's the catch?
- No, no. There's no catch.
As I explained to
your wife on the phone,
her relative passed away
and left her this estate.
Great-Aunt Sophie. I think
I met her when I was a kid,
but I-I thought she died years ago.
No, no, she just passed.
But the good news is,
you're her next of kin.
Didn't she have a son?
Well, more good news, he
actually did die years ago.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, yeah, that's not, um
How much do you think we
could sell this place for?
Assuming we want to sell.
Uh, yeah, we're not moving
into a 300-year-old house
in the middle of nowhere,
because that would be
Right, Sam?
Well, it's just we
don't know the facts yet.
- Obviously, yes, we're probably going to sell.
- Yeah.
- He thinks I'm a little impulsive.
- Ah, just a smidge.
Well, there are a
limited number of buyers
for a property this size, right?
So, you have your bed
and breakfast operators
- [GASPS] What if we opened a bed and breakfast?
- [LAUGHS]
- Here we go.
- Aren't you sick of the city?
No. We work insane hours
to live in a shoebox
that we can barely afford,
and somebody's offering us a mansion.
Sam, we don't know the first
thing about running a B and B.
You're a chef. That's, like,
half of the Bs right there.
Plus, I can write freelance
articles from anywhere,
so we have income while
we're getting up and running.
That is an annoyingly strong
argument, you have to admit it.
Okay, let's do this.
We haven't seen the place,
so we'll go up there for the weekend,
- and then we'll talk about it.
- Yes! Thank you.
- It is a really nice place.
- It is.
And it's ours, for free.
There's gotta be
something wrong with it.
Babe, it's so charming.
What could possibly be wrong with it?
Okay, so, it's the summer of '98.
My Lehman Brothers boys
and I, we scooped a copter
to beat the traffic out to the Hamptons,
'cause that's how we roll.
Anyway, we're on a list
for this very exclusive shindig
at Surf Lodge in Montauk.
Tara Reid's birthday.
- 'Nuff said. So
- Yeah, but,
who is Tara Reid?
Seriously? She was a movie star.
Oh. Silent or talkies, sweetheart?
Uh, what is a movie again?
It's the It's the play
that they project on a screen.
We've been through this.
When you say "project"
What is "play?"?
God, I hate being the
most recently dead.
Anyway, yada yada yada, it
was a great night. The end.
Okay.
[WEAK APPLAUSE]
PETE: Okay, well, thank you, Trevor,
for that talk of the day on partying.
No, it was very high-level partying.
You don't get it, so,
you know, whatever.
All right, well, tomorrow,
of course, is food club,
when Thor will be explaining
the subtle differences
between types of cod.
It will be similar to salmon lecture,
- but more cod focused.
- Ooh.
Oh! Oh! It's one of those
how you say it's a ship on land.
Landship! Landship!
It's not a landship, you nincompoop.
That's a horseless carriage.
Bro, check out that body.
Slammin'.
Indeed. He'd have
made a fine militiaman.
Holy crap.
Beats the hell out of our
fifth-floor walkup, huh?
Okay, yeah, it's impressive,
but can you reach the
fridge from your bed?
- I think not.
- This air is so clean.
And that guy at the
gas station in town
- What was his name, Carl?
- Yeah.
He was folksy, right?
I mean, he did call
me a woman for wearing
a video game shirt, which
doesn't make any sense,
but, yeah, Carl had a certain charm.
ISAAC: They're coming in.
- Let's go.
- Whoa!
Ah, geez, not again.
Wait!
[EXHALES] Wow.
Okay, this is huge.
And it's all ours.
I got to admit, it would be nice
to have a little bit of space.
Exactly. New York is full of people.
We're never alone.
This must be them.
The new folks that own the house.
Can you believe this place has been
in my family for six generations?
She's a relative of yours, Hetty.
Well, I should hope not,
with her exposed knees
and that saucy hairdo.
- Wow.
- SASAPPIS: At least it's just the two of them.
There's still plenty of room for us.
ISAAC: Yes. Yes. Two
people is manageable.
Limited commotion.
No old lady bedridden while
disease eats away at her,
but we knew those good
times couldn't last forever.
PETE: You know, a young couple
could be really fun to watch.
- Oh, hell yeah, they would.
- Okay, Trevor.
Before I forget
- What is that?
- Whoa, whoa.
- What are you doing?
- This is sage.
- I'm cleansing the space.
- JAY: Oh, come on.
Babe, this is Old House 101.
You light this stuff, and
it wards off evil spirits.
- [ALL GASP]
- What did she say?
Does that work?
Do you really believe in that?
Better safe than sorry.
- [SNIFFS] It's actually delightful.
- Oh.
- Yeah, it's divine.
- Oh, lemme hit that.
- I would enjoy a
- Is that sage or is that her?
- Reminds me of torched village.
- Okay, people, people.
There is enough spirit
repellant for all of us.
Jay, we have a library.
- This place is, like, old school rich.
- I know.
I did a little research.
Apparently, my ancestors who lived here
were actual robber barons.
Like, cartoon evil,
slept-on-a-bed-of-gold types.
I mean, we did that once.
Okay, they actually seem really nice.
They remind me of this
couple I was married to
when I was on the commune.
And a little of this
couple I was married to
when I was in the cult.
Honestly, it's, like, way more beat up
than in any of the pictures.
Excuse me?
It could use a little
TLC, but we can fix it up.
Boy, she is really "can do."
I am rooting for these kids.
I cannot help it.
I'm telling you, babe,
this place is going to
make an amazing hotel.
[GHOSTS GASP]
What is "hotel"?
I'll tell you what a hotel is.
A hotel is our worst nightmare.
Every room in this
house filled with people
coming and going.
Sleeping in our beds
Libertines!
And you don't even want
to know about the clutter,
Thorfinn, my fastidious
Viking friend. Ooh!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Why?! Why?!
Trash can right there. [GRUNTS]
No!
[SHUDDERS] I hate
getting walked through.
It's probably the worst
pain I can think of.
No, wait, arrow through
the neck. That beats it.
Okay, new plan:
kill them!
Uh, we can't kill them.
- Yeah, that's not nice.
- ALBERTA: No, I mean we don't have the ability.
Can't pick up a gun, can't
put their feet in cement
and drop them off a
country bridge. [CHUCKLES]
I went with a bootlegger
for a spell. You hear things.
Plus, even if we could
physically grapple them,
that husband fellow would overpower us.
I mean, have you seen his shoulders
and that V-shaped back?
In summary, we must do something.
Wait, what why don't we just try
haunting?
We scare them away. We're ghosts!
- Ooh.
- FLOWER: Whoa!
Yeah! It's a good plan, right?
Oh, no, sorry, I was just
seeing some major trails.
What are we talking about?
This plan of Trevor's
fills me with discomfort.
The line between the
living and ourselves
is one we should respect.
- Who are we to [CRIES OUT]
- [GHOSTS GROANING]
Found my jacket!
[ALL CLAMORING]
- [CRIES OUT]
- [GHOSTS EXCLAIM]
[PANTING]
All right, let's haunt
these bastards out of here.
[CHEERING]
JAY: Hey, Boo-Boo.
- The water from the tap was disgusting.
- Oh.
So, I went to the gas station
and I got us some coffee.
- Aw, thank you.
- Yeah. Carl says hi,
and he called me a snowflake
for wearing flip-flops.
- Classic Carl.
- Yeah.
Okay, gun to your head:
Canary Yellow or Lavender Mist?
Oh, okay, we're putting up paint. Nice.
Haven't decided if we're staying
but we're putting up paint.
You know what? I-I think we should just
knock the whole wall
down while we're at it.
Do you think it's load-bearing?
What? What is this? What are you doing?
Do you even know what
sound you're listening for?
Not sure, but it makes me
feel like Joanna Gaines,
and I'm not mad at that.
- Ooh.
- Wanna come be my Chip, big boy?
Um, yes please.
Wait a minute, why do we only
role-play couples from HGTV?
- Please don't kink shame me.
- [BIRD COOING]
JAY: Oh, it's adorable.
There's a bird in our room,
because of course there is.
Okay, you're right, this place
needs a little bit of work.
- Here he comes!
- Hit the deck!
Now, let's take inventory of
the skills at our disposal.
Thor, as we all know,
is able to do that thing
with the electrics because
he was struck by lightning.
[STRAINING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I am powerful.
- Oh, Isaac, what about your thing?
- Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, yes, no, I don't know to
what it is you refer. Okay
You died of dysentery.
Yeah, it smells like a fart
when the living walk through you.
[LAUGHTER] It's nasty.
- You stink, you stink.
- It's not pleasant.
[FAKE LAUGHS] Okay.
I get it. We all get it.
And trust me, you don't need to be
so harsh in your condemnations.
It is far worse for
me than it is for thee.
Okay, moving on. What else?
Well, I was thinking since Alberta
was a singer in life and
can project her humming
into the world of the living,
what if we had her hum the song
from the movie Ghost to scare them?
Huh? Kinda thematic, right?
You know we don't know
what that is, Pete.
Oh, right, the movie thing.
Welcome to my hell.
You guys would actually love it.
There was this amazing scene
where the main girl
was making pottery
We don't have time for this.
And then this hunky,
shirtless guy comes in
Well, we do have some time.
The haunting isn't imminent. Go on.
It's fine. I get it.
I'll hum something scary.
Oh, Trevor has to do his amazing thing.
That must be the topper.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE] Yeah. Do it!
You're very kind.
ALBERTA: Come on, Trev.
- Oh, sorry, hold on, it's just
- You got it, you got it.
- Focus. Focus, focus.
- You got it.
[STRAINING]
[CHEERING]
- Yo, T-money did it!
- Scary!
Oh, it's good!
Troops, I believe we are ready.
Tonight, get your sleep,
for tomorrow we strike!
- [CHEERING]
- Yes!
[CHOKES]
[PAINED SHOUTING]
The hot water's not working!
Okay, people, he's coming
out. Man your posts.
Good luck, everybody. And have fun!
The hot water's out again.
SAMANTHA: One second!
And go, Thor!
[STRAINING]
What the
Come on.
[STRAINING]
[SHOUTS, GROANS]
Ah.
Man down! Alberta, you're up.
Trevor, you're on deck.
You know, it kinda feels
like I'm opening for Trevor.
Now, I don't need to
headline this haunting, but
- Not now!
- Ugh, okay. Fine.
[HUMMING]
[HUMMING]
- [POP MUSIC DROWNS OUT HUMMING]
- I got the stereo working.
- Cool.
- Go on.
[WHIMPERS]
[GAGGING]
- [SNIFFING]
- Ugh, babe.
Nice try, that was you.
Are you on a juice cleanse?
Close it out, Trevor.
You're our only hope.
Okay, you can't blame the other person
when there's only one other person.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
[CRYING OUT]
You know I couldn't
produce that if I tried.
- [CRYING OUT]
- Come on, man!
Bring the fortitude.
That is disgusting.
Oh, come on, you gaslighter.
- [TREVOR STRAINING] - JAY: You got
a cute butt, but it's got a foul mouth.
[PANTING]
Huh. Haunting is hard.
Ooh, that is rank.
- Shut up.
- All right.
Babe? What are you doing?
I'm gonna fix the water heater.
It's probably just the gas, right?
This has got to be simple,
just turn the pilot on?
SAMANTHA: This place is so creepy.
Much better.
- Who are these guys?
- I don't know.
Jay, that looks kinda ancient.
Maybe we should just
call a professional.
No, no. We're not dumping
a bunch of money into this house.
Plus, I want to take a shower now.
Counterclockwise.
Okay, it's just I don't think
you know what you're doing.
[LOUD SQUEAK]
- Uh-oh.
- That's not good.
- That should do it.
- That won't do it.
- Think I got it.
- He didn't.
At least they left the light on.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- [GHOSTS GROAN]
- Damn it.
[STRAINING]
- Trevor?
- God.
What-what are you doing?
The livings aren't even here.
No, I know, I know. This isn't for them.
This is between T-Money and the vahse.
It's personal.
I've always said vayse.
- Can you please
- Sorry.
Aw!
Still freezing.
Okay, well, the good news is
we're going back to New
York this afternoon anyway,
so we can just fix it when we come back.
You mean if we come back.
Okay, we're having this conversation.
Sam, um
I'm just gonna come
out and say it, okay?
[MUTTERS UNINTELLIGIBLY]
- Pardon?
- [MUTTERS UNINTELLIGIBLY]
- I didn't hear you.
- I don't want to move here.
- [GHOSTS GASP]
- Well, this just got interesting.
Very interesting.
Like finding new type
of cod interesting.
- [STRAINING]
- Come on.
- Okay, a little too close.
- Sure. Okay.
Oh, that was I was
That was gonna be it.
- That was gonna be it. Really.
- I know. I felt that.
That was so close.
I came up here with
an open mind, for sure,
but this whole bed and breakfast idea
I mean, come on.
Do we really want to leave New York?
Jay, I love you, but you know that you
- get a bit scared of change.
- Mm.
But it's okay to try
something different.
- Yes, I agree and I'm willing to try something different
- Yes.
Below 14th Street.
[LAUGHS] He's cute Funny!
I don't know what it is but I-I
feel a connection to this place.
I could see a future
here, us raising a family.
I want all that, babe,
but-but, we're in way over our heads.
This place is falling apart.
It is kind of a dump.
Oh, shut up.
[STRAINING]
[LAUGHING, CHEERING]
We did it!
[LAUGHING]
So, that's it? We just do what you want?
- If we're both gonna be making some big crazy move
- Mm-hmm.
then-then we should at least
both be able to agree on it.
Fine! But you know what, Jay?
Sometimes you gotta just do
something a little bold, ya know?
Put some Canary Yellow up
and get out of your
neutral-palette mindset.
What? What are you What was that?
Neutrals go with everything.
Haven't you learned anything
from Love It or List It?
Well, I don't know what
any of those words mean,
but I know that he
won't be laying with her
for several moons! [LAUGHS]
That was amazing. You're incredible.
Whoa, whoa, watch out!
[GASPS]
[GRUNTING]
- Bro, that's not good.
- JAY: Sam?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Sam, hey!
[AUDIO DISTORTED]: Sam.
Sam! Oh, my God. Sam!
[JAY'S VOICE FADES]
Murderer.
Okay, again,
I didn't mean for her to trip and fall.
You have to believe me, I
would never intentionally
hurt anyone that hot.
[GROANS] Aw, husband guy looks so sad.
I remember when I died.
Ira looked so scared.
Because he didn't want to lose me.
And also because he was trying
to get away from the bear.
Could you imagine if
she doesn't make it?
What a terrible last memory for him.
Ending things in an argument.
Carol and I argued
the last time we spoke.
It's funny, it felt like such a big deal
at the time, and now
I can't even tell you
what it was we were arguing about.
PETE: You never think, when
you close that door behind you,
that that'll be the last time
you walk through that door.
But then I had my
accident, and I realized
I'm never gonna see my wife again.
I'm never gonna get to
speak to her, to hold her,
to tell her how much I love her.
Oh, wait! I remember what
we were fighting about.
She ate all the donut holes,
and she doesn't even like donut holes.
It was just to spite me.
Which was just like her,
that selfish so-and-so.
[GASPS] Pete. [EXHALES]
Uh, the point is
life is precious.
What is donut hole?
It's just a round donut
It's what's miss It doesn't matter.
It's a tough loss.
- [TOILET FLUSHES]
- What's wrong?
The Knicks blew a ten-point
lead to the Nuggets. Damn it.
Well, I hope you were
at least this upset
when I was technically
dead for three minutes.
Let's get you home.
- Go slow.
- Okay.
Home awaiting
In the sky
Oh, in the sky.
Thank you, Alberta.
I don't know how many
times we've heard that song.
- 487.
- But it gets better every time.
Landship! Landship!
- FLOWER:
- The livings, man! They're back.
[GASPS] Oh, she's alive.
Oh, thank God.
Wait, is there any scarring?
How's the punim?
I thought we were going home.
Yeah, I just wanted to
swing by the house real quick
and show you something.
So, while you were
sleeping for two weeks
- Coma.
- Coma. I had a contractor come in
just to give us an estimate
on what needs to be done.
And guess what. It's way more
than I could have ever imagined.
It's like a new foundation,
it's new floors
Jay, it's fine. You know, I'm
okay with selling the place.
I had some time to
think, and you were right.
I think the whole bed and breakfast idea
- was probably crazy.
- Well, then, call me crazy,
'cause we're doing it.
MAN: Hey, Mikey, how you doing?
What's going on?
That's the contractor.
If we're gonna make a go of this,
we're gonna need some help.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- We're staying?!
- We're doubling down, baby!
I maxed out the credit
cards, I cashed in the IRA,
despite the very vocal
objections of my father.
News flash: we're deeply in debt.
If this bed and breakfast
fails, we're really screwed.
I don't understand. What happened?
Almost losing you made me
realize that I don't care
where we live, because
as long as I'm with you,
I'm home.
Was it corny? Did it sound corny?
I'm not gonna lie, I practiced it.
It was so corny.
Show me the house!
Aw, they made up.
I'm very glad Samantha is okay.
Me, too. Wait.
Who are these other people?
FLOWER: It looks like
a construction crew.
O'Malley.
MAN: Electricians, check the main panel.
- Look out for loose wirings.
- MAN 2: Got it.
Roofers, be careful up there.
Harness required, and make sure you know
where you're dropping the tiles.
MAN 3: - On it!
Oh, you're dressed kind of
nice for a construction worker.
JAY: Hey. Hey, babe.
Come with me, there's one more thing
- I want to show you.
- SAMANTHA: Oh.
Got a surprise.
Come on. Hey, hey, easy.
So that's it, then.
They're going through
with this hotel situation.
- We'll be overrun.
- The clutter!
Okay, yes, the hotel
will be a nightmare,
but gosh darn it, I did
miss those crazy kids.
She talked to me! She talked
to me! She talked to me.
And I think she kinda hit
on me, I'm not entirely sure,
but there was definitely a spark.
But she talked to me!
Good God.
PETE: Please, lower your hands.
And baa-dow.
Uh-uh, what is that?
That is the Canary Yellow you wanted.
- You painted the room.
- I know, I know.
You know, I wasn't
sure about it at first,
but it's growing on me.
- What the hell?
- Yeah, yeah, you're right.
It's a lot of yellow. Oh,
you know what we could do?
We could put up a muted accent wall.
This can't be real.
Okay, you're not loving it.
It's no big deal. It's just paint.
Oh, my God.
What are you looking at?
- I think you're right. She can see us.
- Uh-huh.
Who are you?
Uh, hi, I'm Jay, I'm your husband.
- Do you need to lie down?
- I can explain.
We are ghosts, those poor spirits
who dwell on, compelled
for reasons unknown to
[SCREAMS]
[BIRD CAWING]
[SIGHS]
[SOFT CLATTERING]
[GASPS]
[SIGHS]: Ah.
Hello!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
- Well?
- Yup, she can still see us.
Yes!
Also, she's apparently a little cranky
before she's had her coffee.
Troops, never before have
we possessed the ability
to communicate with a Living.
We are in uncharted waters.
Those are worst type of waters,
unless, of course, you find cod.
ISAAC: This opens up intriguing
possibilities to get them to leave.
Namely: Diplomacy.
Thankfully, you're looking at
the man who negotiated an end
to the Siege of Fort Ticonderoga.
You surrendered
unconditionally to the British.
But we lived to fight another day.
You died of dysentery two weeks later.
Did I?
Thank you. Thank you.
Point is: I'm good at talking.
Don't talk to enemy, destroy them.
Then toast their deaths
with horns full of mead!
Okay, that boy has some
serious anger issues.
Why do we have to
make the Livings leave?
It just seems like such a bummer.
Because, they're planning
on turning my beloved
Woodstone Mansion into a hotel,
that's why. We'll be overrun!
Exactly! We can't let these
invaders take our land.
Do you hear it? At all?
Do you hear the words
that you're saying?
PETE: You know, we don't have
to talk her into leaving
or destroy anyone.
We could just befriend her and
ask her not to open the hotel.
So, no hotel, but the hot
chick stays? I like that plan.
Yeah, could be useful to have
a Living that we can talk to.
Ooh, I can get her to
look into the details
surrounding my mysterious death.
Oh, please. You had a heart attack.
- Which was likely brought on by poisoning.
- Okay.
My death, like my life,
was spectacular. Had to be!
No way I went out from something
boring like a busted ticker.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
My doc was pretty worried
about my blood pressure.
Luckily, didn't turn out
to be a problem. [LAUGHS]
Oh, what happened?
There's an arr
we've been through this.
- Jay! Where were you?
- I was in the attic.
- Are you okay?
- Jay, they're back. I woke up,
- and one was in the bathroom
- Whoa, whoa, okay, okay.
These are just residual
effects from your accident.
- What happened?
- I ran into the door
when I tried to attack
him with a toilet brush.
Um, is that like to ghosts what
wooden stakes are to vampires?
It was the only thing handy!
Please don't make fun
of me. I really saw one.
Okay, okay. Um, have you seen
one since you hit your head?
No.
Do you think somehow hitting my
head the second time cured me?
I mean, if you haven't seen
one since you hit your head,
- you're probably out of the woods.
- Oh, my God.
They're back! They're here.
They're all behind you.
Hello! Sorry about before.
I don't see anybody.
I would like to formally
open negotiations to discuss
- your withdrawal from Woodstone Mansion.
- Hear, hear.
There's a hippie and a Viking.
- Be gone!
- Peace!
And a guy dressed like Hamilton.
Hamilton? How do you
know about Hamilton?
One of them's not wearing any pants.
- Oh, yeah? You like that?
- Hi. Alberta.
Can you help me find
out who murdered me?
Hey, babe, remember
what the doctor said.
You-you might experience
some visual disturbances.
[GASPING]: I'm sorry.
Y you're talking
about Alexander Hamilton?
Did that little twerp become famous?
- Wait. Isn't that the guy on the ten-dollar bill?
- The what?
They seem really real.
- Well, of course we're real!
- We're right here.
- He's on paper currency?
- THORFINN: You're hearing us!
Okay, but what do you think
is more likely?
Do you think you're seeing ghosts,
or do you think you're suffering
symptoms of a severe concussion?
ALL: Ghosts. Yeah. Obviously.
Concussion.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- No!
They're all in your head.
You just ignore them,
and they'll go away.
- Ignore us?
- Well, that's rude.
You go get some rest
because your man is
taking care of business.
- Do you know how that works?
- Mm Oh.
No. No, I do not.
- But the Internet does.
- The Internet?
It's an invention for looking
up stock prices and porn.
I'm gonna let the contractors
handle the big things.
But you know what? Papa
Bear's gonna save some money
where I can, because we're not all
Mr. Moneybags here, am I right?
[GASPS] From where did you find
this awful painting of
my philandering husband?
Oh, yeah, Elias. I remember
when he sat for that painting.
- And then when he slept with the artist.
- Yeah.
Okay, I guess I'll just go lie down.
You're gonna be better in no time.
The bones have spoken,
and they foresee your doom!
Right. Thanks.
[DRILL WHIRRING]
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
[GROANS]
What are you doing in my room?
- Oh, yeah, this is gonna make a dope man cave.
- What?
A cave of men? What does that even mean?
[DRILL WHIRRING]
[BOTH GASP]
Oh, no.
What are what are
you what are you doing?
Oh, hey, Hetty. This is fun.
[GASPS] This is not fun.
This horrible man has destroyed
the sanctity of our rooms.
Oh, it's like we're roommates.
- You got this.
- [DRILL WHIRS]
- Oh.
- Oh!
- Crap.
- Are you mad?
You've made it even bigger!
No, no, no, don't walk away!
Yay!
Hey, who's your favorite boy ghost?
I'd say Thor, but he really scares me,
- but I kind of like that.
- You know what? No. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
ISAAC: This Jay fellow has
ruined our ability to communicate
with Samantha by convincing
her that we are not real!
Which is a serious setback.
In the face of which, a lesser leader
might give up.
Like, for instance
oh, I don't know
Hamilton.
- Dude is obsessed.
- Mm.
He was a terrible commander.
He was all about himself!
Whereas I I was known for
making men under me happy.
How are we supposed to befriend Sam,
or "drive her from the land,"
yeah, yeah, if she's just ignoring us?
Enemy's not supposed to
ignore. It hurts feelings.
We don't let her ignore us.
We do the same thing I did in '98
when Lizzie Grubman told
me the list was closed
for Diddy's White Party.
We keep bugging her!
- What kind of party?
- What is "Diddy"?
It's a jaunty little song.
The references are not important!
The point is, we don't give up.
We keep bugging her. Now
is when we double down!
So simple, yet so brilliant.
- Thank you.
- We don't allow her to ignore us.
- [LAUGHS]
- Yes.
- Yes, we will pester her in the kitchen.
- [OTHERS AGREEING]
And we will annoy her
in the living room.
- Yeah!
- My idea.
We will make her life a living hell
so she has no choice but
to finally acknowledge us!
Yes! Yes!
And then we drive them from this land!
- Yes!
- Or have a nice, friendly chat!
- That one. You do that one.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
She will rue the day!
Chop their legs off,
hang them from trees!
- Roll it back. It's too much!
- You're making it weird.
PETE: Hi there!
Hello?
All right, I know you're actively
ignoring us, but that's okay.
I was married for 16 years, so I get it.
[LAUGHS]
Ah. Oh, you looked at me.
She looked at me! Ooh, it's working.
Aah! Death to our enemies!
Is it getting any better?
Um
Now who would want me dead?
I was a beloved jazz singer.
- Not really.
- [YAWNS]: I'm sorry, sweetie.
I'm sure it'll be better tomorrow.
Okay, there was one person.
She thought I was having
an affair with her husband.
[LAUGHS] I was sleeping with him,
but she didn't know that, so in a way,
I kind of wasn't as far as she knew.
FLOWER: So then the bear
raised his arms to attack me,
but the shrooms were kicking in,
and I thought he just wanted a hug.
You know, how everyone
talks about bear hugs?
They're not talking about
hugs from actual bears.
Can you please stop
talking? I'm trying to sleep.
Oh, yeah. No, totally.
Yeah, no, I'm so tired, too.
Why do we sleep?
- I don't know.
- When I was at Woodstock,
I didn't sleep at all, 'cause
I didn't want to miss anything,
especially the Grateful Dead.
I was a huge "Deadhead,"
which was ironic,
because I wasn't even dead at the time.
I don't care.
[GASPS]
Look, I get it.
Who wants to think they're
seeing ghosts? It's scary.
You know what's scarier? Eternity.
So, I find ways to break
it up, create some drama.
Like yesterday, I told Alberta
that Hetty said she didn't like her hat.
Now, did Hetty really say that?
Well, I will take that answer to
my grave, which will never come.
Which is why I have to
do this kind of stuff.
Oh, hi there. I'm Steve.
Unbelievable. Jay, there's another one!
He's a big guy with a greasy beard.
- Hey.
- JAY: Hey, babe.
Have you met Steve?
- Here you go.
- Wait. You can see him?
W what's happening?
Sam, Steve! He's here to
help us with the cable.
Who is this man? Another invader?
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Steve.
I haven't been sleeping
well. It's great to meet you.
Um, that should about
do it. I went ahead
- and gave you three months of the sports package.
- Cool.
He too shall feel our wrath.
Shut up, uh
About that sports package, Steve.
What a deal!
Yeah. R right?
I'm-I'm I'm gonna test her out.
[CHEERING]
ANNOUNCER: The Vikings were known
for their prowess on the battlefield,
often overpowering
What is this magical window?
Hello!
Oh, okay. Well, I'm down
for a stroll. [LAUGHS]
Where we headed? On
behalf of my fellow ghosts,
- I'd just like to welcome you to
- You're not real.
I mean, I'm not technically
alive, but I am real.
No, you're not.
- You're answering me.
- No, I'm not.
Okay, I thought of a couple other people
who may have wanted me dead.
Any chance you could hop
the train down to Memphis
- and knock on some doors?
- Hey, am I crazy,
- or is there chemistry here?
- This isn't happening!
I know. I didn't expect this, either.
ISAAC: Okay, so this
machine truly has access
to the entire breadth
of human knowledge?
Yeah, pretty much.
Okay, I need you to look up
"Alexander Hamilton" on this.
[LAUGHS]
Do you know how long it would take me
to type all those letters?
- I must know what he went on to do.
- [SCOFFS]
He haunts me, and I'm a damn ghost.
- [SNIFFLES]
- Okay, buddy, stand back.
Let me work my magic.
[RHYTHMIC EXHALING]
[INHALES SHARPLY]
My God, the pageantry.
- Do you want this, or not?
- Yes. No, I do.
- Shh!
- I I like it.
- Ah
- Come on! Come on!
You've got it! You've got it!
Ah And
- Ah!
- [LAUGHS]
Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
- Oh, amazing. Okay, next letter. Next letter!
- Oh
Mmm. Thor can smell the salty brine.
- There's my toolbox.
- ANNOUNCER: The preparation for the cod hunt
was a ritual of great importance
- in Viking society.
- Look at you.
Come on! Electricity!
Oh, by the loins of Freya, why?
Small man?!
[WATER DRIPPING]
Well, if it isn't "Mr. Fix It."
- Why has he got a hammer?
- Who knows?
- Okay.
- Oh, no, no.
Oh, no. Oh, you fool!
- What are you doing?
- Is he crazy, man?
Stop it! Just stop it!
God, I know we're dead,
but he's trying to kill us.
"Psychotic breaks."
- Okay, that's me.
- HETTY: A moment of your time.
- That's also me.
- You must repair my wall.
I cannot spend another night listening
to that bohemian blather
away. I won't do it!
Bring back my people to the thing
the sorcerer's window!
You are a strong, sane woman.
You are a strong, sane woman!
Hey, big head.
I don't want you anyway.
See? Say something negative,
get 'em off balance.
Oh, I don't know why I didn't
start with this."Depression,
difficulty concentrating"
JAY: Babe, can you please
bring me my screwdriver?
Sure thing.
- She moves!
- Do not walk away from me!
She can't move too fast with
those slightly-too-large ankles!
This is genius.
- You cannot escape us!
- [GASPS] Oh!
No way I'm going down there.
No, no, they they are terrifying.
Jay, I think there's something
very wrong Oh, my God!
- What?
- What do you mean, "what?"
There's a bunch of zombies down here.
Zombies? Zombies aren't real.
We are ghosts. We all died of cholera.
It wasn't great.
Babe, I think you really
just need some more rest.
We are way past rest. We
need to go to a hospital now.
Okay. Well, I'll drive you.
Red valve. Tell him
[LOUD, OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
Please turn the red valve!
Can you turn the red valve?
- What?
- Can you just turn the red valve?
It it's kind of urgent,
if you like the house.
- MAN: There you go!
- WOMAN: Yes.
How did you know about the red?
Can we get the hell out of here, please?
- Okay.
- No. Wait. Don't do that.
Oh, come on Oh. Nuts.
I'm just saying, it's been
three days, and I'm not feeling
any better, so I'm
starting to freak out.
Well, I have to be honest.
I don't think this will get better.
- What?
- It seems as if your accident left you so close
to death, that you somehow
obtained the ability
to actually see dead people. [LAUGHS]
That can't be possible
It is quite rare, but
I've seen it before.
The last time was around 85 years ago.
Wait. How how old are you?
Well, I was about 50 when I died.
Now, sorry about that.
I'll let you visit
with your living doctor.
- What seems to be troubling you?
- [GASPS]
She's excellent, by the way.
THORFINN [LAUGHING]: This is amazing.
The plan's working!
Working? Thor, she ran off screaming.
We've driven her insane.
Oh, what does it
matter? Nothing matters.
- What's up with soldier boy?
- Isaac had me look up
"Alexander Hamilton" on Jay's computer.
His list of accomplishments
was even grander
than I could have imagined.
And then we looked up Isaac.
" graduated Dartmouth,
died of dysentery."
That's it? That's all it says?!
I was mentioned in but one
academic journal, in a footnote.
I'm literally a footnote in history!
Well, Dartmouth is very good.
[COUGHING]: Safety school.
My life meant nothing.
Whereas my rival is known to this day.
There was even a musical about him!
You're really fixated
on that musical thing.
Well, this might come as a shock to you,
- since you see me as this tough military type
- Mm.
but musical theater is
actually a passion of mine.
Hmm.
I'm just saying, maybe we
should have just stuck around
for a little while
heard her out. Maybe done the MRI?
There's no point.
They're not gonna find anything,
because I now know there's
nothing wrong with me!
Okay, but the doctor said
That was the living doctor!
Of course she thinks I'm delusional.
She's not trained for this.
But the ghost doctor
Okay, that's where you start to lose me.
If the ghosts were all in my head,
I'd be seeing the same
ones at the hospital
as I do back at the
house, but they're not.
I see different ones
in different places.
Like that guy. Hey, bud.
What guy?
I know it's not great news,
but at least I'm not crazy.
No, no, Jay, look out!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Phew. They were already dead.
- Sorry.
- What?!
- Just drive.
- I can't. I can't. I I
Listen, I know this is
a lot, but I'm with you.
No matter what, in
sickness and in health.
Okay? Because I love you.
- Aw. He's a keeper.
- [GASPS]
- Hold that thought.
- What was that? Sam?
- Sam?
- Sam?
Sam?
Hold on. Hold up, Sam!
Sam, was there one in the car?
Sam, was there one in the car?
- [DOOR OPENS]
- PETE: She's coming. Here she comes!
Ooh!
Okay, fine. I see all of you,
I admit your existence. Happy?
- Well, I mean, what is happy?
- It's a good step, babe.
Great. But this is our house now.
We inherited it, so, it is
time for you all to leave.
It has been nice to meet you, thank you,
but you can go haunt someone else now.
[LAUGHTER]
She's funny, too. That's great.
ALBERTA: Girl, we can't leave.
Yeah, you just sort
of stay where you die.
And how you die.
It's your classic haunted house.
So, it seems it's the two of you
who should leave, thank you kindly.
Well, that's not happening.
We've already sunk all
our money into this place.
Plus, I see dead people wherever I go,
so leaving doesn't even help me.
Okay, I'm back to freaked out again.
Babe, just a second.
It seems like we're
stuck with each other.
But it is not going to go on like this,
with all of you up in
my face all of the time.
So, what is it going to take
for you to leave me alone, huh?
What do you want?
You! Viking guy, what do you want?
I want to see my people in
the magic box once a day!
- What?
- He wants to watch a show about Vikings on TV.
- Fine.
- Yes!
You, Wolf of Wall
Street, what do you want?
Leave him, kill yourself,
become a ghost and get with me.
But let's keep it casual.
- Gross.
- What'd he say?
You.
I heard you mention you were a writer.
I'd like you to pen
my biography, so that
history may know my name.
Now that is actually quite interesting.
And then take that book, and adapt it
into an award-winning Broadway musical.
I want you to invite the descendants
of the ten most likely suspects
of my murder to a dinner party.
Find out who did it, and exact revenge.
[LAUGHS] No.
- Uh, you, Woodstock what do you want?
- Woodstock?
Uh, I'm easy. Just world peace.
And an end to bear attacks?
Sure. You? Downton Abbey?
Take down that painting
of my awful husband,
and patch up the hole your
awful husband put in my wall.
He's not awful when you get to know him.
- Wait a minute.
- You, next.
I'd like the entire Hudson
Valley returned to the Lenape.
Barring that, maybe keep the
radio on in the afternoons?
- Mm, excellent idea.
- That's a good one.
- Yes!
- We could use some beats in here.
- Oh, I'd love to dance.
- ALBERTA: Play my album, Bonsoir.
- That would be fun.
- Okay, so that is everybody.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, what about you?
I just wanted to say hi and welcome.
- Hi.
- Welcome! [LAUGHS]
Wow. So, everybody feeling good?
I'm pretty far from good.
Ah, my husband still thinks I'm nuts.
You know what? Follow me.
SAMANTHA: Okay, now
ignite the flame, and
release the gas knob slowly.
[CLICKING] Okay.
Now hit it twice on
the side, right there.
- Hit it?
- Seriously.
Okay, now turn the gas knob
on, and you'll hear a "whoomph."
Nothing.
Actually, a little past
"on." The calibration's off.
It's been wonky for
the last 40 years or so.
- [WHOOSH]
- Whoa. Whoa.
See? How else would I know any of this?
Okay. Well, I guess I believe you.
And thank you.
They say, "You're welcome."
"They"? There's two of them?
Yup.
Are we done here?
SAMANTHA: Oh.
- All taken care of?
- Yup.
Yup, covered the hole right up.
This is not the solution. This is worse!
I demand you remedy this posthaste!
If you're here, you're welcome.
- Are you starting a new article?
- Toying around
- with a book idea, actually.
- Ooh.
Mm-mm-mm. More writey-writey,
less talky-talky.
Now, where was I?
- You were telling me about your wife.
- Huh?
Oh, no. No, not you. It's
a it's a ghost thing.
All right. Well, uh, have fun.
ISAAC: Ah, yes, Beatrice.
She was a handsome woman.
We slept in separate bedrooms,
to keep the flame of our
passion burning bright.
Now, let's talk military service.
I was a beloved commander, though
I was known for riding my men hard.