Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil (2005) s01e02 Episode Script
Escapeoke
0
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
In our quest to kill
the Antichrist,
we scoured the Earth,
searching for the holy weapons
described in the prophecy.
The glass eye of St. Augustine!
We can find and destroy
the Antichrist.
Uh, how much for this?
$7,000.
That's a little steep.
- [ groans ]
- Sister, no.
This is why I hate shopping
with you two.
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
We were not aware at the time,
but other forces were gathering.
A humble deejay was rising in power and fame.
MAN:
Whoa, who is this guy?
I want to push deejaying.
I want it to be
more than deejaying
and also less than deejaying.
That's why I started
incorporating miracles
into my set.
Miracles are like almost miracles.
They get close, but, you know,
it's not quite there.
It's a miracle.
Now, I don't know you, do I?
We've never met?
- No.
- Is your name Delilah?
- No.
Oh.
Seriously?
I'm usually good at this.
Is this your phone number?
Oh, my god,
how did you do that?
MAN:
Whoa. Nice.
I'll call you
and tell you later
when we are [bleep].
You're not gonna [bleep] me.
[ telephone rings ]
JESUS:
Hello? Open your eyes.
It's me on top of you
[bleep] you.
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
At the time, we were also blind
to the most horrible
secret of all --
the Devil's unholy move
into the casual after-work-style
bar-and-grill business.
All right, stand together.
Now say, "franchisee."
TOGETHER:
Franchisee.
Vulgar and foul, this is the Devil's work.
This --
this is the Devil's work?
You bought a restaurant.
Uh, Becky, a chain of restaurants.
How can you justify this?
How is this evil?
Are you kidding?
No, I want to understand.
Hold on a second.
I got an animatronic burrito
here.
- Oh, the talking burrito?
- Yeah, talking burrito.
Right here, I'll sign.
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
And behind it all,
the Antichrist,
never resting,
never wasting a single moment
in her dark quest.
SATAN:
You are the Antichrist.
Lucy
you are the --
[chuckles]
Is that creepy?
Mm-hmm.
So, you're just checking in or?
I'm ordering your
Tequila Sally's uniform.
Right.
So, what are you, a 10?
A 10?!
12? What?
LUCY:
Oh, my god, I'm a 6.
Mmm, I don't think so.
I mean, really?
Yeah, I--
SATAN:
Maybe I don't know
women's clothing.
I think maybe you don't --
Or women's body types because there's no universe
in which I'm a 12.
- Lucy.
- Yeah.
I don't want to order you a 6
and then you're gonna tell me
a week after I get it for you,
"I need a 10," or,
"I need a 12."
LUCY:
That's not gonna happen.
All right, so between now and
the time the 6 comes in,
you should lose 20 pounds.
[ chuckles ]
Dad!
[ chuckling ]
What?
I don't want to go to sleep ♪
Lucy,
won't you come with me? ♪
Let's go paint the town red,
let's go paint the town red
All these people bother me,
let's go on a killing spree
Let's go paint the town red,
let's go paint the town red
Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
And we're rolling out
the Atacolypse
this week with big,
huge promotions.
Gonna be big.
Hey, I just thought of a new drink.
Diet margarita.
Guess what it's called.
A Di-arita.
Uh-Huh?
- Brilliant.
[ sighs ]
Hey, you know what would be horribly bad and tacky?
What's that?
Karaoke.
I love karaoke.
I know a guy who could
set it up.
- You do?
- Uh-huh.
Luce, that's a good idea.
I like it -- like.
We could call it, like
[ distorted ]
Karaoke Tuesday.
Karaoke Tuesdays.
We'll do it.
- Really?
- A restaurant chain?
That's the belly of the beast, man.
That's awesome.
That is awesome.
We'll shoot it for the DVD,
and we won't just do karaoke.
We'll do escapeoke.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
D.J. J.
Shh!
Don't worry about it.
It'll be, uh,
it'll be a fearacle.
Whoa!
Like a fear miracle,
you know?
Mm-hmm.
Hey -- hey, you smell
something?
Umno.
I do.
Yeah, you smell it, right,
Judas?
I do, man, I smell it.
It smells like
[sniffs]
it smells like fish.
It kind of does.
Fish?
Yeah, like,
right behind your ear.
Oh!
Oh. Huh.
Stay for dinner?
Pulled out
the platter of fish.
You got that right.
Dude, cameraman,
tell me you got that.
Show us the spawn of Satan.
Glass eye of St. Augustine,
find the Antichrist.
I knew it!
What?
It's you!
What?
You're the Antichrist.
What are you talk-- no.
Your weird accent
and your fancy shoes
with your swagger.
[ Italian accent ]
Excuse me, Sister,
it's the poster.
- What?
- The poster.
The eye is looking at the poster.
Oh, my god.
"I knew it."
- I'm so sor--
- Yeah
You just carry yourself in a way that I --
Holy guacamole!
I'm out of controley!
Well, this is the place.
I love that talking burrito.
Mic check, mic check,
one, two.
Escapeo-o-o-ke
Sounds good.
Kick-ass acoustics here, man.
- Oh, this guy?
- Oh, not this guy.
Hey, Lucy's dad.
Hi.
This is your friend who does karaoke?
Yeah.
You know I don't like you
hanging around this guy.
You know that.
I told you that.
I thought --
you told me he was dead.
He is.
He's dead right now.
Come on, interns.
Lucy, go get us some of those
Atacolypses.
Di-arita, Di-arita?
Three Di-aritas.
No, no, no, no, no.
You can't kill him.
He's the only one who knows how
to run the karaoke machine.
Right, he runs the karaoke.
All right, I got to think straight.
Um
Karaoke's good.
You've got to be kidding me.
What's the matter, Becky,
huh?
You don't like singing and fun?
Everyone else here does,
okay, wet blanket?
Aah!
Holy chimichanga!
I'm going out of my manga!
Smells good in here.
I am hungry.
I'm really starving.
You guys, focus.
Ho!
Now the moment you've been
waiting for
Escapeoke!
D.J. Jesús has been bound
by six pairs of regulation handcuffs
supplied by the San Francisco
police department
and four different galvanized-steel chains.
[ scattered applause ]
All right, now, someone from
the audience will sing
"Shadows of the Night"
by Pat Benatar
while D.J. Jesús
attempts to free himself
before the song is over,
and if he doesn't,
he will be lowered
into a pit of vipers!
[ scattered cheers
and applause ]
All right,
we just need our singer.
Let's see who we got here.
Does this say
"Croonmeister"?
That's me!
That's me!
All right, Croonmeister.
Come on down.
WOMAN:
Whoo, go get 'em!
[ intro to Pat Benatar's
"Shadows of the Night" plays ]
[clears throat]
All right, let's --
let's give this a shot.
[clears throat]
I think you're
gonna enjoy it.
This is for all you working gals out there.
Oh, girl, it's a cold world
when you
We wait
until she comes close.
Do you want to split this?
What is that?
It's a sandwich,
a pulled-pork sandwich.
Oh, pulled pork.
What is this?
I thought it was Mexican.
Why is it all of a sudden
a barbecue restaurant?
I don't know.
This menu is all over the place.
We are on a mission.
Nobody else
We're running with
the shadows of the night ♪
So, baby, take my hand,
it'll be all right
Uh, wow.
Surrender all your dreams
to me tonight ♪
They'll come true in the end ♪
Wow, how did you do that?
- Pretty good, huh?
- Yeah.
It's one of my best ones.
Hey, you're great.
You're good.
That takes skill.
I just, you know,
I'm just singing.
Well, not everyone can sing.
I mean,
you got a nice voice.
You can cry tough, baby,
it's all right ♪
You can let me down easy ♪
TOGETHER:
But not tonight ♪
[ harmonizing ]
We're running
with the shadows of the night ♪
So, baby, take my hand,
you'll be all right ♪
Surrender all your dreams
to me tonight ♪
They'll come true in the end ♪
Coming at you.
She is coming.
Get ready.
You know,
I would split nachos.
I am not supposed
to eat cheese.
You're not supposed to eat cheese?
No, it's like
an irritable bowel --
Fathers!
TOGETHER:
They'll come true
in the end ♪
End
True in the end ♪
They'll come true
in the e-e-e-e-nd ♪
True in the e-e-e-e-nd ♪
Sorry to keep you waiting.
What can I get you?
[bleep]
So, you need another minute?
[ groans ]
Oh, be careful.
It's broken glass.
Yeah, I know.
I'll go ahead and sweep it up.
No, I got it, thank you.
Great job, sister.
You and your eye.
It would have worked.
- The night ♪
- The night ♪
The night ♪
So, you need another minute?
No, no, we can order.
We'll get the nachos grande.
Great.
And two Di-aritas.
And can we get the side
of the refried beans?
No problem.
Great.
Oh, can I have ice water, too?
Ice water for both of you?
I'll have
a chicken con carne!
You know what?
I'm gonna get some
fried jalapeños as well.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Fine!
I'll be right back
with your nachos.
And a strawberry Di-arita.
SISTER:
This is a disaster!
You know, as a backup.
I mean, if we're gonna start the car,
we might as well have
a good engine, huh?
You know what I mean?
- I do.
- You're cute.
LUCY:
Thank you.
I like your outfit.
SISTER:
Father!
LUCY:
You don't think
it's too small?
No, it's good.
They certainly stuffed you
in that one, huh?
BECKY:
Come on, champ.
You had a little bit too much to drink,
and now it's time to go home.
SATAN:
No, I didn't.
- Can somebody find his sweater?
- Give me a kiss. Come on.
- Satan, stop. Stop.
- Kiss the Devil.
Stop it.
SATAN:
Hey, buddy.
JESUS:
Hey, Lucy 's dad.
- No, not you, the snake.
- Oh.
Ha ha! I gotcha!
Oh! Oh, you dick.
SATAN:
Come here.
Where are you going, man?
Where are you going?
Let's stay here.
Let's do it.
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
In our quest to kill
the Antichrist,
we scoured the Earth,
searching for the holy weapons
described in the prophecy.
The glass eye of St. Augustine!
We can find and destroy
the Antichrist.
Uh, how much for this?
$7,000.
That's a little steep.
- [ groans ]
- Sister, no.
This is why I hate shopping
with you two.
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
We were not aware at the time,
but other forces were gathering.
A humble deejay was rising in power and fame.
MAN:
Whoa, who is this guy?
I want to push deejaying.
I want it to be
more than deejaying
and also less than deejaying.
That's why I started
incorporating miracles
into my set.
Miracles are like almost miracles.
They get close, but, you know,
it's not quite there.
It's a miracle.
Now, I don't know you, do I?
We've never met?
- No.
- Is your name Delilah?
- No.
Oh.
Seriously?
I'm usually good at this.
Is this your phone number?
Oh, my god,
how did you do that?
MAN:
Whoa. Nice.
I'll call you
and tell you later
when we are [bleep].
You're not gonna [bleep] me.
[ telephone rings ]
JESUS:
Hello? Open your eyes.
It's me on top of you
[bleep] you.
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
At the time, we were also blind
to the most horrible
secret of all --
the Devil's unholy move
into the casual after-work-style
bar-and-grill business.
All right, stand together.
Now say, "franchisee."
TOGETHER:
Franchisee.
Vulgar and foul, this is the Devil's work.
This --
this is the Devil's work?
You bought a restaurant.
Uh, Becky, a chain of restaurants.
How can you justify this?
How is this evil?
Are you kidding?
No, I want to understand.
Hold on a second.
I got an animatronic burrito
here.
- Oh, the talking burrito?
- Yeah, talking burrito.
Right here, I'll sign.
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
And behind it all,
the Antichrist,
never resting,
never wasting a single moment
in her dark quest.
SATAN:
You are the Antichrist.
Lucy
you are the --
[chuckles]
Is that creepy?
Mm-hmm.
So, you're just checking in or?
I'm ordering your
Tequila Sally's uniform.
Right.
So, what are you, a 10?
A 10?!
12? What?
LUCY:
Oh, my god, I'm a 6.
Mmm, I don't think so.
I mean, really?
Yeah, I--
SATAN:
Maybe I don't know
women's clothing.
I think maybe you don't --
Or women's body types because there's no universe
in which I'm a 12.
- Lucy.
- Yeah.
I don't want to order you a 6
and then you're gonna tell me
a week after I get it for you,
"I need a 10," or,
"I need a 12."
LUCY:
That's not gonna happen.
All right, so between now and
the time the 6 comes in,
you should lose 20 pounds.
[ chuckles ]
Dad!
[ chuckling ]
What?
I don't want to go to sleep ♪
Lucy,
won't you come with me? ♪
Let's go paint the town red,
let's go paint the town red
All these people bother me,
let's go on a killing spree
Let's go paint the town red,
let's go paint the town red
Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
And we're rolling out
the Atacolypse
this week with big,
huge promotions.
Gonna be big.
Hey, I just thought of a new drink.
Diet margarita.
Guess what it's called.
A Di-arita.
Uh-Huh?
- Brilliant.
[ sighs ]
Hey, you know what would be horribly bad and tacky?
What's that?
Karaoke.
I love karaoke.
I know a guy who could
set it up.
- You do?
- Uh-huh.
Luce, that's a good idea.
I like it -- like.
We could call it, like
[ distorted ]
Karaoke Tuesday.
Karaoke Tuesdays.
We'll do it.
- Really?
- A restaurant chain?
That's the belly of the beast, man.
That's awesome.
That is awesome.
We'll shoot it for the DVD,
and we won't just do karaoke.
We'll do escapeoke.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
D.J. J.
Shh!
Don't worry about it.
It'll be, uh,
it'll be a fearacle.
Whoa!
Like a fear miracle,
you know?
Mm-hmm.
Hey -- hey, you smell
something?
Umno.
I do.
Yeah, you smell it, right,
Judas?
I do, man, I smell it.
It smells like
[sniffs]
it smells like fish.
It kind of does.
Fish?
Yeah, like,
right behind your ear.
Oh!
Oh. Huh.
Stay for dinner?
Pulled out
the platter of fish.
You got that right.
Dude, cameraman,
tell me you got that.
Show us the spawn of Satan.
Glass eye of St. Augustine,
find the Antichrist.
I knew it!
What?
It's you!
What?
You're the Antichrist.
What are you talk-- no.
Your weird accent
and your fancy shoes
with your swagger.
[ Italian accent ]
Excuse me, Sister,
it's the poster.
- What?
- The poster.
The eye is looking at the poster.
Oh, my god.
"I knew it."
- I'm so sor--
- Yeah
You just carry yourself in a way that I --
Holy guacamole!
I'm out of controley!
Well, this is the place.
I love that talking burrito.
Mic check, mic check,
one, two.
Escapeo-o-o-ke
Sounds good.
Kick-ass acoustics here, man.
- Oh, this guy?
- Oh, not this guy.
Hey, Lucy's dad.
Hi.
This is your friend who does karaoke?
Yeah.
You know I don't like you
hanging around this guy.
You know that.
I told you that.
I thought --
you told me he was dead.
He is.
He's dead right now.
Come on, interns.
Lucy, go get us some of those
Atacolypses.
Di-arita, Di-arita?
Three Di-aritas.
No, no, no, no, no.
You can't kill him.
He's the only one who knows how
to run the karaoke machine.
Right, he runs the karaoke.
All right, I got to think straight.
Um
Karaoke's good.
You've got to be kidding me.
What's the matter, Becky,
huh?
You don't like singing and fun?
Everyone else here does,
okay, wet blanket?
Aah!
Holy chimichanga!
I'm going out of my manga!
Smells good in here.
I am hungry.
I'm really starving.
You guys, focus.
Ho!
Now the moment you've been
waiting for
Escapeoke!
D.J. Jesús has been bound
by six pairs of regulation handcuffs
supplied by the San Francisco
police department
and four different galvanized-steel chains.
[ scattered applause ]
All right, now, someone from
the audience will sing
"Shadows of the Night"
by Pat Benatar
while D.J. Jesús
attempts to free himself
before the song is over,
and if he doesn't,
he will be lowered
into a pit of vipers!
[ scattered cheers
and applause ]
All right,
we just need our singer.
Let's see who we got here.
Does this say
"Croonmeister"?
That's me!
That's me!
All right, Croonmeister.
Come on down.
WOMAN:
Whoo, go get 'em!
[ intro to Pat Benatar's
"Shadows of the Night" plays ]
[clears throat]
All right, let's --
let's give this a shot.
[clears throat]
I think you're
gonna enjoy it.
This is for all you working gals out there.
Oh, girl, it's a cold world
when you
We wait
until she comes close.
Do you want to split this?
What is that?
It's a sandwich,
a pulled-pork sandwich.
Oh, pulled pork.
What is this?
I thought it was Mexican.
Why is it all of a sudden
a barbecue restaurant?
I don't know.
This menu is all over the place.
We are on a mission.
Nobody else
We're running with
the shadows of the night ♪
So, baby, take my hand,
it'll be all right
Uh, wow.
Surrender all your dreams
to me tonight ♪
They'll come true in the end ♪
Wow, how did you do that?
- Pretty good, huh?
- Yeah.
It's one of my best ones.
Hey, you're great.
You're good.
That takes skill.
I just, you know,
I'm just singing.
Well, not everyone can sing.
I mean,
you got a nice voice.
You can cry tough, baby,
it's all right ♪
You can let me down easy ♪
TOGETHER:
But not tonight ♪
[ harmonizing ]
We're running
with the shadows of the night ♪
So, baby, take my hand,
you'll be all right ♪
Surrender all your dreams
to me tonight ♪
They'll come true in the end ♪
Coming at you.
She is coming.
Get ready.
You know,
I would split nachos.
I am not supposed
to eat cheese.
You're not supposed to eat cheese?
No, it's like
an irritable bowel --
Fathers!
TOGETHER:
They'll come true
in the end ♪
End
True in the end ♪
They'll come true
in the e-e-e-e-nd ♪
True in the e-e-e-e-nd ♪
Sorry to keep you waiting.
What can I get you?
[bleep]
So, you need another minute?
[ groans ]
Oh, be careful.
It's broken glass.
Yeah, I know.
I'll go ahead and sweep it up.
No, I got it, thank you.
Great job, sister.
You and your eye.
It would have worked.
- The night ♪
- The night ♪
The night ♪
So, you need another minute?
No, no, we can order.
We'll get the nachos grande.
Great.
And two Di-aritas.
And can we get the side
of the refried beans?
No problem.
Great.
Oh, can I have ice water, too?
Ice water for both of you?
I'll have
a chicken con carne!
You know what?
I'm gonna get some
fried jalapeños as well.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Fine!
I'll be right back
with your nachos.
And a strawberry Di-arita.
SISTER:
This is a disaster!
You know, as a backup.
I mean, if we're gonna start the car,
we might as well have
a good engine, huh?
You know what I mean?
- I do.
- You're cute.
LUCY:
Thank you.
I like your outfit.
SISTER:
Father!
LUCY:
You don't think
it's too small?
No, it's good.
They certainly stuffed you
in that one, huh?
BECKY:
Come on, champ.
You had a little bit too much to drink,
and now it's time to go home.
SATAN:
No, I didn't.
- Can somebody find his sweater?
- Give me a kiss. Come on.
- Satan, stop. Stop.
- Kiss the Devil.
Stop it.
SATAN:
Hey, buddy.
JESUS:
Hey, Lucy 's dad.
- No, not you, the snake.
- Oh.
Ha ha! I gotcha!
Oh! Oh, you dick.
SATAN:
Come here.
Where are you going, man?
Where are you going?
Let's stay here.
Let's do it.