Only Fools and Horses (1981) s01e02 Episode Script

Just touching the cone and also just touching the plane.
And the two points where the spheres touch the plane Alright, here's where our future lies Rodney, second-hand motors! This time next year we'll be millionaires! I dreamed I was drowning last night! Here, the way I see it is this, the government, they're going to have to ban the import of foreign cars to save our car industry.
But the unions won't stand for that - because that smacks of racialism - so they'll all go out on strike! That'll mean you won't be able to buy a new car for love nor money! No.
No, no, that is it Rodney.
Britain's future lies fairly and squarely in the second-hand car game.
What did you say just now? You dreamt that you were drowning? Is that a gentle way of trying to tell us that last night you wet the bed? No, it's not! I'm just depressed that's all, and these cornflakes aren't making me feel any better! Honestly Rodney, you make my teeth itch.
I've asked you before, and I've asked you again - phone her! She knows I won't phone her first! How does she know that you won't phone her first? Did you tell her that you wouldn't phone her first? - No! - No, well go and phone her and tell her.
Oh that's stupid! No, it's not, it's no more stupid than the moody you're in.
Why is it whenever you're getting your end away, the skies are blue, the lager's cool and England are gonna win the World Cup.
And just because some little tart with fat thighs gives you the elbow, you're in a fit of depression.
She has not given me the elbow! Monica and I are having difficulties getting it all together on a one-to-one basis.
So my mate, Mickey Pearce -now he's lived with a woman - he advised us to have a two-week trial separation.
A two-week trial separation? Cor, come on, you've only known her for two weeks! What is it then Rodney, a fortnight on, a fortnight off like sentry duty? I am not going to phone her Grandad, that's all there is to it! Plenty more chicks around.
Yeah, alright then - well come on.
I reckon your best bet is to have a blind date with a Samaritan! I'll survive Del.
And Monica has not got fat thighs! - She's got fat thighs! - She has not! Look, I was down the Nag's Head disco last night and either she's got fat thighs or she was bopping the night away in a pair of jodhpurs! Monica was out dancing? Yeah! Here, with your mate Mickey Pearce as it happens! Oh yes - this came in with a Chesterfield and a gross of electric toothbrushes as a part-chop on a Vanden Plas.
Still, clean it up a bit, couple of new tyres! Yeah, yeah, a new engine, new body, and you've got a nice little motor.
There's 98,000 miles on the clock! Is that genuine? Shut up Rodney.
Be honest Boycie, I mean seriously, it's a bit of a pig! Well what d'you want for 50 quid? Ah, well now you're talking! I'll take that.
What do you want, cheque or shall I give it to you with the old readies? You would an' all wouldn't you? Oh certainly.
No, no, it's handsome though, innit? You know it's only E-Type Jaguars and Sebastian Coe that can make me feel proud to be British these days! Yeah, I know what you mean Boycie.
Why haven't you go this up at the front? It's not for sale Del, my old mate.
As a matter of fact I'm looking for a place to hide it for a week.
I bought it as a birthday present.
I'm dead scared the wife's gonna see it and suss it all out.
Spoil the surprise? Spoil everything Rodney, it's a birthday present for my bit on the side! You what? His bit on the side, his bit Never mind Boycie.
It's so long since Rodney had a bit on the side he didn't know they'd moved it! Wait a minute! Hang aboutMon dieu, you want to hide this for a week, right? We've got an empty garage round on the estate.
I can pop it in there for you if you like.
Be handy Del, save me a lot of aggro.
Right well.
I owe you one Del.
No, forget it Boycie.
I mean if you can't do a pal a favour without expecting something in return! I mean How much did you say you wanted for that again? What's the matter? Brakes a bit spongy are they? Brakes! What bloody brakes? I nearly killed myself Del! It's a death trap! What do you expect for 25 quid? - Your shock absorber's gone! - Well it has now! - What's it like? - What's what like? The car you dingo, what you think I'm talking about, yer flaming coffee? The car? Oh well, you know, it's erit'sit's It's a bit over-priced! It's a bit over-priced, yeah, that's what I was going to say! Says 23,000 on the clock! Is that genuine? looked there was over I had the RAC do a 500-mile road test on it.
Well you know better safe than sorry that's what I always say.
It's beautiful though isn't it? Beautiful.
What do you think? Son et lumiere wouldn't you say? Well, I don't know if I'd go quite that far! Oh yeah, I mean, look at this eh? Genuine leather upholstery that.
Where would you find genuine leather upholstery like that these days, huh? Do you know what the East African gazelle became an endangered species for this model, sacrifice well made I'd say wouldn't you? No, it's an enthusiast's model this one and I can see that you are, in fact, a genuine enthusiast! Don't give me that crap mate! I can make up me own mind and I don't need any help from no Cockney villain! Cockney villain! Cockney Villain! Now there's no need to be like that sir, I mean after all the British and the Australians are cousins across the sea, ain't they.
I mean if your great grandad hadn't have been a bloody villain you could have been one of us! Say no more.
C'est la vie.
San fairy ann.
Allow me to point out some of the optional extras on this one, sir, for you.
Look at that; the anti-dazzle mirror.
In here you'll notice that we've got the old - look at that - the one - speed wiper, and .
.
er, we've got automatic windows.
Oh yeah a perfect example of the sporting tourer, and of course, it comes complete with a full two-weeks MOT still left to run.
How many owners? How many owners? I'm glad you asked me that sir.
Because it's only had the one owner from newand that, of course, was a vicar! - A vicar? - A vicar! A vicar! Used to use it to drive backwards and forwards to church on a Sunday that was all.
Oh look at that.
Only left his Bible in the glove compartment.
As I was walking through Earl's Court.
Into a pub I was lured.
Where a nosy Pom said, 'Where you from?' as I downed the amber fluid.
I said 'Get it straight, I'm an Aussie mate.
And I'm fixing to get plastered.
But the beer is crook.
And the birds all look.
Like you, you Pommy' Grandad.
Cheers Del Boy.
Alright.
Go out and buy yourself a crate of Odour Etares.
Yeah.
I've heard they're good! Oh they are - they are.
Blood murder to swallow though! Here, where's Peckham's conscience? Oh he's in his room pining about that little fat bird! Women! You wouldn't remember when I married yer Grandmother! The first night we was in bed and - well you know Del! What? Well, doing what you do when the lights are out! Holding a seance, was you? No! You know what I mean! Anyhow, right in the middle of it, d'you know what she said to me? No, what? She said 'What d'you fancy for dinner tomorrow? - What d'you fancy for dinner tomorrow! - Bad innit? Bet that didn't happen to Omar Sharif! Anyway what did you say? - Steak and Kidney pudding I think! - Isn't love wonderful! Aye up.
Look out the room is full.
Where you going? Fancy dress party? No I'm gonna do what Monica was doing last night.
Oh going dancing with Mickey Pearce are you? No! I'm going out - I'm gonna paint the town red - rip it up a bit! Oh yeah, where you going, Streatham? No, I'm not going to Steatham Del! I'm gonna hit a few clubs up West.
- What? You up West? - Yeah You'd need a bloody compass to find it, you would.
I am often up West Del, I'm one of the faces! One of the faces! Do me a favour Rodney.
Two halves of lager at the British Legion Club is like a walk on the wild side for you! Just leave me to live my own life would you! And what do you mean 'fancy dress'? Well just - wonder why you were hitting the West End looking like a praying mantis.
Just lay off me Del.
Is that the money from the Cortina? That death-trap you sold to Skippy? - Yes, look, there was nothing wrong with that car! - Nothing wrong! The oil light stayed on, the steering didn't always go the way you wanted it to and the brakes didn't work! A few minor faults.
Anyway, the oil light didn't stay on, I fixed it.
You mean you actually went to the trouble of changing the oil? No, I took the bulb out.
You are great you are Del.
I mean, you've done some pretty doubtful things in your time but I never thought you'd stoop to selling instant motorway madness! Oh shut up you tart! That money is immoral - that is your handful of silver Del.
That is nothing more than blood money! Oh, oh is it? Oh yeah.
- Alright then.
- Oi, half of that's mine! Now you see what I mean don't you eh, Grandad? That is the mentality of your spoon fed student type.
They walk around all day with Steve Bilko written on their T-shirts spouting about humanity, when it comes down to a fight over a torn fiver they make Genghis Khan look like a pacifist! Look I was merely stating a fact that half of that is mine.
It don't mean to say I want it! - Oh I see - don't want this money then Rodney, eh? - No.
Oh, what bind, I'll have to spend it all myself then won't I, eh? Oh well, still going out are you Rodney? ErYeahDo you er, fancy tagging along Del, I'll show you some of my clubs.
No, no, no really.
Look if you're hard up for a bit of company I'll come, alright.
Hey, hard up for company, you must be joking.
I've got hundreds of friends! Oh - oh that's alright then - good.
Yeah.
There's the cats from the evening class for a start.
Cats? Where you going Rodney? Dancing or ratting? Ratting I like that.
It means ravers Grandad, swingers! And these guys really live it up Del, and when I say live I mean live! Yeah, there's Dave and Bob Mike and, and Tony, George - Jim.
- Jimyeah.
- Why don't you go and give 'em a bell? - Who? You know, the Beautiful People from the evening institute! Er, they're not on the phone What, you mean all these swingers ain't got a phone between 'em? Are they on the electric yet? Alright, alright! Well, you coming with me, then? No, no, I'll pop down the Nag's Head for a light ale later on.
Well your loss Del.
I'll tell you all about it in the morning then, assuming I'm back in the morning.
Yeah alright.
- Well are you coming or not then? - No! - Ok thenWell here I go! - Yeah, see yer then.
- I'll give the birds your regards shall I? - Yeah, you do that, it's triffic.
Right, well we have take off! Well make up your mind Del, you coming or not? You bloody kids! They can't even enjoy themselves today can they, eh! Alright, come on soppy, let's go and rip it up! Well if you want to tag along that's fine by me Del! Er, if you can pay for your own way.
Pay fordon't worry, I've got the money.
I've got the keys to the van and all - Grandad, go easy on the iron jelloids tonight.
We're not going up West in a three-wheeled van are we? I certainly ain't walking it Rodders! Yeah but I mean it's all about images init Del.
I mean you're very suave and debonair.
Yeah well I s'pose I am a bit ostentatious really.
Yeah I am, aren't I? Still, if I drive, you hide down behind the dashboard and no one will see us arrive.
What do you mean no one will see us arrive? I want people to see me arrive don't I, eh? In a three-wheeled van? Still, got no choice have we? Yes we have! Yes we have, we can take Boycie's E-Type Jag! The Jag! Are you sure Del, well upon your shoulders be it son, let's go.
Is it always as dark as this in here or are they holding a dummy run for a coal miners' convention? I dunno! What do you mean you dunno? I thought you said this was one of your regular clubs.
Well I might have exaggerated a bit when I said regular.
How many times have you been here then? Never! Never? What you bring us in here for then? It looked alright from the outside! It looked alright from the outside! That's what the Christians said about the coliseum, you berk! Not much action for a nightclub is there! No, probably something to do with the fact that it's only half past seven! - It's the last time I come out with you Rodney! - Is that a promise you moaning git? Oi, watch it you.
Ah Garcon la petite pois! - Parlez vous Fracais? - Jawohl! Yes! What can I get for you? - Um, I'd like a Caribbean Stallion.
- Wouldn't we all dear! What is it? It's an exotic cocktail ain't it, specially created for the discerning palates of the international jet-set! Roger Moore drank one in Live and Let Die.
I wouldn't put anything past her.
Eh? Yeah well you'd better write this down hadn't you? What you want is a shot of Tequila and a shot of coconut rum and one of Creme de Menthe.
Then you want a smidgin, just a smidgin, of Campari, with the merest suggestion of Angostura bitters.
Right, you top that up with fresh grapefruit juice, and you shake it - do not stir - right.
Pour that slowly over broken ice.
Garnish with a slice of orange, slice of lime, your occasional seasonal fruits.
Top that off with a decorative plastic umbrella, two translucent straws and - voila! - Right! And for you? - Half a lager please.
Half a lagerReg Varney drank one of them in Holiday on the Buses! - Is he a bit funny? - I dunno.
He's definitely a bandit that one.
Tonight we dance with our backs to the wall, Rodney! Wonder what Monica's doing now? Well, why don't you phone Mickey Pearce, he might be able to throw some light on the subject! I don't talk to him no more! Hey look - come on, I'm your brother ain't I eh? You can tell me.
What broke you two up? What do you mean 'What broke us up?' I found out he was dating Monica! No, not you and Mickey bloody Pearce - you and the fat bird! Oh! Well, she thought I was weird! Well not so much weird, more warped! Warped? Yeah.
See I've got this fantasy! Uniforms, they turn me on! Uniforms? You mean like postmen and that? No, women in uniforms.
Nurses, air hostesses and my favourites, policewomen.
Policewomen? But they nick you.
So what you're trying to tell me is that this Monica bird, the sort of like didn't go a bundle on this dressing up idea? Is that - that right? Oh I didn't tell her, I tried to do it without her knowing.
How the hell do you dress someone up as Juliet Bravo without them twigging? I was going to do it gradually, over a period of time.
Last week was her birthday, right, so I bought her one of them blue serge suits that Paddy the Greek was selling, right.
I already got her the hat, white with navy blue peak and then for Valentine's Day I was going to get her some black stockings and some of them sensible walking brogues rightthen for Christmas A whistle and a set of handcuffs! Blimey you were lucky she gave you the elbow when she did, those Panda cars cost a bomb you know.
Monica's right about you, you know you're a pervo Rodney.
That is immoral, you know that, don't you? Immoral! Today you sold a clapped-out Batmobile with no brakes.
That's immoral, son There was nothing wrong with that car.
It went didn't it? Oh it went, yeah, just didn't stop.
You're like the chairman of a cigarette company joining the Festival of Light.
You can die for my profit, but don't play with yourself in between.
Alright, alright Rodney.
Yeah, well I didn't mean the geezer no harm did I? I'll pop round and see him tomorrow and pay to have his brakes repaired.
How's that? That's good.
If you do that for me I'll tell you what I'll do for you.
You'll stop thinking about policewomen? No, I'll accept my 50 per cent of the profits.
Oh my cup runneth over.
Half a lager for sir and a Caribbean Stallion for Mandingo.
That'll be seven pounds.
Seven quid, blimey I can get that for three quid where I come from.
Oh you're from Jersey, are you? Enjoy your stay.
What's he on about Jersey? By the way, the barman said would you like some evaporated milk with that? Tell the barman to go and get stuffed.
- Thank you, sir.
- Oh - thank you sir.
No not yet it's only twenty to eight.
If we pull them now we'll have to buy them drinks all night.
But we could take them back to the flat.
Hey that's an idea, I've got 24 litres of that Yugoslavian Riesling in the garage.
We could pop old Grandad in the meter cupboard and have ourselves a little party.
Yeah, yeah, go on Del.
You can charm a tortoise out of a shell you can.
Go on.
Okay.
Now you look, learn and listen, right.
- Drink up, we're leaving - Oh you are great, you are.
- You're the last miracle left in the world.
- Shut up and drink will yer! - Yeah, yeah, are they a couple of ravers? - They're a couple of geezers.
- I'm sorry.
- What? - I said I'm sorry! - Shut up.
I didn't know it was that sort of place, did I? A right bleeding night I've had.
Become a member of a gay club, discovered me brother's a pervo, had a close encounter with two dockers in drag! You'd better not tell anybody about this, Rodney.
I've got my macho reputation to uphold.
I'm warning you, if one person - just one - calls me the Naked Civil Servant, and I'll kill you.
Don't be silly Del.
I'm hardly gonna go round bragging I saw my own brother trying to date a couple of transvestites am I? What? It was you who clocked them you - just shut up, shut up will you.
- Del.
- Shut up.
Corner table to your left.
A couple of birds.
Oh don't start that again, a couple of birds.
It's probably Hinge and Bracket out having a pint.
These are definitely feminine Del, all the lumps are in the right places this time.
Yeah, where? No, I don't mean like that you wally, I mean where here? Yes that will definitely suit me.
Right, come on, bellies in! Let's just be ourselves this time shall we? None of your embarrassing lies! And don't try an' put me down! - Alright! Alright! And don't you say I'm 35.
- Alright! Come on then, into action.
Whoops, sorry, look at that just dropped the keys to the white alpine E-Type Jaguar, eight track stereo, leather- look steering wheel! It's not my car, it's his.
Yeah, yeah, it's my car! Cheers Del! That's alright.
We're just using it while they service my Ferrari! He's 35! Sit down will you - sit down Rodney, keep yer brains warm! Go on son.
You didn't mind if we join you girls do you, no? Good.
This is my brother Rodney, and I'm Del, that's short for Derek, nice name that innit eh - Derek? - Yeah, very nice.
I'm Nicky, this is Michele.
- Nicky and Michele, they're nice names! - Yes! Not as nice as Derek though, is it, that name? - Oh no, not a patch on Derek! Do you come here often? I don't believe you, I don't believe you.
Yes - quite often.
I haven't seen you here before! No, no, it's because we - you know - don't come to London very much.
- Oh, where do you come from then? - Peckham.
Originally from Peckham.
But we spend most of our time abroad now for tax reasons.
You know, yeah, we're on the international professional tennis circuit.
Yeah, he's an international professional tennis player and I'm his manager.
You must have heard of Rodney, yeah Rodney.
The sporting press call him Hot Rod.
- Don't think I have.
What's the surname? - Trotter! Doesn't ring a bell, sorry.
No, no that's because we generally concentrate on the big American tournaments, you see.
Do you ever play Wimbledon? No, no, we only do the big 'uns! We've jut come back from the Miami Open - Really? You're not very tanned for Miami, are you? - No, no, it was an indoor tournament.
I mean they call it the Miami Open and then they go an' hold it indoors.
That's the Yanks or yer though eh? Anyway we can't complain like because he won it, he did beat that Jimmy Connelly in the final.
Jimmy Connelly? Don't you mean Jimmy Connors? No, he knocked that dildo out in the first round, nine sets to one! Actually we're only in London to get Hot Rodney here measured up for a new bat.
It's a racquet! Bloody is the prices they charge, darling.
No also we thought it might be an idea to give him some practice on grass you see.
Because over in the States they use that stuff called Astroturf.
- What do you prefer, Rodney? - Pardon? What do you prefer? Astroturf or grass? I don't know.
I've never smoked Astroturf.
You wally! No, no, we're not really professional tennis players! - We know! - We're just having a laugh.
- Yeah, just having a laugh that's all.
- What do you really do? We're Concorde pilots! Light me up a cigar will you Rodders? We have struck gold here Del Boy! It's the Klondike my son - the Klondike.
I mean every bloke's dream innit, eh? Meeting a couple of sorts with their own pad in Chelsea.
I hope it's a penthouse, because I'm a penthouse sort of person.
Know what I mean, balconies - rubber plants, all that game.
Hey if we can see them next Friday perhaps we can stay for the weekend - Yeah, watch Match of the Day! - Yeah, won't have to spend much will we! Won't have to spend much Honestly Rodney, when it comes down to the nitty gritty you are completely devoid of any je ne said quoi ain't yer? I mean, these aren't your two halves of Stingo, a packet of pork scratchings and Bob's yer uncle type! No, no, no, we'll take 'em to a Berni inn! Yes.
I bow to your experience and wallet there Del.
Hey, where' their phone number? - Oh she wrote it down on my cigar pack.
- Ace! What - what cigar pack's that then Del? The one I just gave you.
- Del! - Yeah? - You know that cigar pack? - Yeah.
I threw it out the window about a mile and half back! Oh that's alright.
You what? You pranny! God! I don't believe it.
I just do not believe it! Now look what you've done Rodney, you've smashed up Boycie's E-Type Jaguar.
Me? You were driving it.
Don't play bloody word games with me, Rodney! What's your game pal.
What is your game, are you blind or something? I'm really sorry about that mate, but the brakes on this thing are a bit dicky You! I've been looking for you two Flaming Gollahs all day longNow come here!