The Keith and Paddy Picture Show (2017) s01e02 Episode Script
Ghostbusters
1 I'm Paddy McGuinness.
And I'm Keith Lemon.
And this is the Keith And Paddy Picture Show, where we recreate classic films in half hour with the help of an all star cast.
ALL: We're here to believe you.
But the challenge of remaking a Hollywood classic as accurately as we can was never going to be easy.
Can you just shut up and do what I asked you to do? So we've had a documentary crew record behind the scenes as well What the hell are you doing?! .
.
as we struggle to get our remake to the screen.
MAN: Ow! We're the biggest stars in British television.
/fon You want us to play a couple of lousy ewoks?! This week Ghostbusters! Argh! (GASPS) Shh.
(SCREAMS) (SHRIEKS) RAY PARKER JUNIOR: Ghostbusters # If there's something strange in the neighbourhood # Whoa, Kammy! Kammy, stop! Cut! What have I done wrong? You're playing Ray Parker Junior.
Right? He sung the theme tune to Ghostbusters.
But that's coming later on.
Can't just jump out whenever you hear the theme tune.
OK, fair enough.
This week we're recreating Ghostbusters! The story of a group of scientists out to save New York from an army of ghouls.
Do you know, it's one of my all time favourite films and ours is gonna be ace because we managed to pull together an amazing supporting cast.
(JAUNTY RADIO JINGLE PLAYS) MAN ON TV: 'We'll be right back, folks, after these messages.
' AMERICAN ACCENT: Are you disturbed by terrifying sounds in the middle of the night? AMERICAN ACCENT: Have you ever seen a ghost or witnessed any kind of paranormal activity? BAD AMERICAN ACCENT: If the answer is yes, then you'd better call the experts.
BOLTON ACCENT: Hang up.
Is that the voice you're going with? YORKSHIRE ACCENT: I don't know how to do a voice, I'm making it my own.
Give it another go.
Try and be more Dan Aykroyd.
(HIGHER PITCH) If the answer is yes, then you know you'd better call the experts.
Do it a little bit more like Dan Aykroyd.
SQUEAKY HISPANIC ACCENT: If the answer is yes, you call the experts.
Thank you very much.
AMERICAN ACCENT: If the answer is yes, then call the experts.
STOKE ACCENT: That's gonna have to do, isn't it? Yeah.
/fon It's all right.
Yeah.
ALL: We're here to believe you.
Dana Barrett there, as played by Sarah Parish, and Egon there, played by Robbie Williams, who took time out from his world tour to come and give us a helping hand.
What a legend.
Now, one of the most iconic things about the film is, of course, the Ghostbusters car, the ECTO-1.
And ours had to be just right.
Yep.
And we managed to track down the only working replica within the whole of the UK.
And I was gonna be driving it! I've got to be honest, I'm a little broke so I may have to borrow some money out of petty cash.
I'm afraid this lavish feast here was bought out of the last of the petty cash.
We're sunk, you mooks.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello.
Ghostbusters.
Here to help with all your paranormal needs.
My name is Janine.
How may I help you today? We do.
You have? Well, just give me your address.
Oh, don't worry, they're very discreet.
Thank you.
We got one! (ALARM BELL) Let's go! RAY PARKER JUNIOR: Ghostbusters # If there's something strange in the neighbourhood # Kammy.
Not yet, mate.
I've done it again, haven't I? Yes.
/ GHOSTBUSTERS: Ray Parker Junior Argh! Argh! Argh! Ghostbusters! (SIREN) (CRASHING) I didn't know it was a manual, I can only drive an automatic.
What's that got to do with turning left? I'm sorry! Not as sorry as Robbie Williams, who suffered from severe whiplash.
He had to pull out of the rest of the episode and cancel h Well, it wasn't all a disaster because I'd already figured out a clever way to get around it.
(SIREN) Who's that? That, Patrick, is the UK's number one Robbie Williams impersonator.
So, come on! # Let me entertain you # No, that's not happening.
Take your glasses off.
Do the face.
Do.
Blobby Williams.
# I sit and wait # No, get out.
Get out.
You - Get out.
Get out.
That's it.
I can't.
You'll still get paid.
Replacing Robbie Williams was not an easy task.
But luckily, one of my favourite actors was prepared to step in at the last minute.
Jambo from Hollyoaks.
Thanks for doing this, man.
All right, no worries.
Yeah, top man.
Guys, no problem.
Glad to be here.
Yeah, anyway, back in character.
(CLEARS THROAT AND SNIFFS) Hey, did you want me to do a Robbie Williams impression? Well, all right, if you think you can.
Can you do it? Oh, come on! # Let me - No, no.
No, just leave it.
I'll just, I'll just do Egon.
Yeah.
(LIFT DINGS) AMERICAN ACCENT: Wait, there's something I forgot to tell you, it's very important.
Don't cross the streams.
Why not?/fon We're carrying unlicensed nuclear accelerators on our backs.
Imagine every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
(WOMAN SCREAMS) Whoa! Stop! What the hell are you doin'? ALL: Sorry.
Sorry about that.
I suggest we split up.
BOLTON ACCENT: Weren't thater YORKSHIRE ACCENT: It were Michelle from 'Allo! 'Allo! Hee! Well, hang on.
Vicky! Do the catchphrase, love.
FRENCH ACCENT: Aww! Rene! (LAUGHTER) That's it! That was worth the money, weren't it? Yeah.
Right.
I told you the supporting cast was going to be amazing.
Yeah, and it was about to get a whole lot better because look who just turned up on set.
Emily Atack from Inbetweeners! Keith, thank you so much for asking me to do this.
Yeah, I loved Sigourney Weaver in the original.
Such a brilliant role.
I know.
I can't believe I'm gonna get to play her.
You're not playing Sigourney Weaver's role.
Hm? No, Sarah Parish, that fantastic actress, she's playing her.
Well, what part am I gonna play, then? Egon Peter! Argh! (GROWLS) Ray.
'Are you receiving me?' Venkman, I saw it! It's right here, Ray.
It's staring right at me.
OK, well, try not to move, it won't hurt you.
Argh! Wah! Peter! Venkman, Venkman! What happened? He slimed me.
YORKSHIRE ACCENT: It's looks like you're covered in - Don't.
Just don't go there.
Cut! Can somebody please tell me why I have to wear this bloody thing? Can we not do it on CGI or whatever it's called? She's got a point.
No, Paddy, practical effects look much better.
I mean, look at her, she looks grotesque.
You look terrifying.
You look like a pair of green knackers with arms.
Why is Paddy covered in jizz? Emily is a fantastic actress, but she's got a filthy mouth, ain't she? Anyway, with the first ghost successfully dispatched, the Ghostbusters start to get inundated with calls.
There's been an explosion of paranormal activity here in New York, although people don't seem to know why.
It seems that the solution is down to a group of men calling themselves the Ghostbusters.
We need to take on extra help.
YORKSHIRE ACCENT: Why haven't we got car? BOLTON ACCENT: After what happened last time, running is much safer.
Oh, aye.
Ain't that right, Will? Eh? Oof! He were fine.
It's all right.
Now, Ghostbusters was one of the last ever films to use purely practical effects, no computer graphics at all.
That's why it remains a classic.
You see, for me, Paddy, I hate CGI because I think it makes everything look like a computer game.
Yeah, but the good thing about CGI is it's cheaper and there's no dangerous stunts.
But it looks rubbish.
That's why in our version, we're only going to use practical effects, just like in this next scene.
MAN ON RADIO: 'The Ghostbusters continued to make headlines yesterday, going toe to toe with a poltergeist in Journey Nightclub Subway.
They then stayed on to dance the night away with some lovely ladies who witnessed the supernatural encounter.
' (GASPS) (GROWLING) Zuul.
(SCREAMS) Whoa, whoa.
What's that? Cut! I was up all night making that practical effects, Paddy.
No CGI, just like they used in film.
Practical effects.
But even back then they used stop/start animation and anim That just looks like Spit the Dog with a couple of demonic ears on it.
Funny you should say that, Paddy.
MAN: 'Can I come out now?' Yes, Bob.
You all right, Bob? Ha! Thanks for making it look good.
I can't (LAUGHS) He's Spit the Dog with a couple of demonic ears on him! Go on, Bob, make him do it.
Make him do it.
Go on.
Say hello.
(SPITS) Oh! Yes! He got me! Yes! It went in my mouth! Sarah, it went in his mouth! It went in my mouth! Vomit's gone in his mouth! At the back of the throat! Look, he's smiling! He's got the teeth in! He's smiling! He's got the teeth in! Sarah, he's got teeth in! I turned down a Poirot for this.
What's a Poirot? Oh, come on.
At this point in the film, we're introducing the fourth Ghostbuster - Winston Zeddemore.
Now, in the original film, Eddie Murphy was first choice, but he turned it down so they went for a well-respected theatre actor instead.
Ernie Hudson.
So we did something similar.
Have we got Eddie Murphy? No, no, we got a well-respected theatre actor and the best kids TV presenter of all time.
Oh, we got Gary Wilmott! BOTH: Yes! Do you believe in UFOs, telepathy, ESP, clairvoyants, telekinetic movements, full transmediums, extraterrestrials, and the Loch Ness Monster? Lady, I believe anything if there's a steady paycheque in it.
I think I've discovered the cause of all this supernatural activity.
There's a building in Central Park West, the architect was some kind of wacko who built it to worship the Sumerian gods, Gozer and Zuul.
I'll check it out after I have a nap.
This is Winston.
He's here about the job.
You're hired.
I'm Ray Stantz, this is Peter Venkman.
Pleased to meet you.
# If there's something strange in the neighbourhood # Kammy.
Kammy, mate, not now.
What? There's not even any music on in this bit.
You'll tell me when? Yeah.
Ey, it's Gary Wilmott! Unbelievable, Jeff! Now, in the making of the original Ghostbusters, Bill Murray would often improvise and go off script.
Now, apparently, in this next scene, it was almost completely improvised.
Yeah, so I thought I'd give this one a go because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's improvisation.
He's the man.
(COUGHS GENTLY) BOLTON ACCENT: Hello there, Dana.
It is Peter.
Eh, no, not Kay.
Hello there? I am just playing with your knockers.
(MOUTHS) Are you the Key Master? Am I the Key Master? I think you'll find I am.
Here, like a young Brian May, aren't you? Strong, that, wasn't it? I believe on the roof, up there, up on the roof, Four Tops, for the mums and dads.
You've got a demon right up the porthole.
Matron! There is no Dana, only Zuul, you sub-human being.
Hold on a second.
Cut! Really good.
It's really good, buterm there's no sub-human bit here.
Yeah, but he's not sticking to the script, though, so I - Yeah, but see, he does ad lib, and it doesn't say anything about ad libbing for you.
If you do it too much, they'll cut it down.
I'm not being rude, but if you just say your lines.
Paddy, I thought it was fantastic, what you were doing.
Yeah.
So if you can just make it shorter, yeah? A little word we like to use on this set called professionalism, Sarah.
Right.
OK.
Let's just go again.
OK.
Good.
Yeah.
At this point, we decided to go back to the script.
The right decision because Sarah Parish was really struggling.
Anyway, look out in this next scene for a classic example of how great practical special effects can be.
AMERICAN ACCENT: Thanks for inviting us in the apartment there, Dana.
But we think you may be possessed by a Sumerian god.
Hang on a second! What the hell is going on with your accent? I know, I'd just watched Smokey And The Bandit.
There is no Dana, only Zuul.
Zuul? What are you doing in Dana's apartment? Preparing the way for Gozer, The Destructor.
Gozer, huh? He's the guy we think is in charge of the transdimensional portal above your apartment.
Oh, ho! Settle down there.
Settle down there, little lady.
OK, I'm going to count to three and if Dana doesn't appear in this apartment, there's going to be some big, big trouble.
DEEP VOICE: There is no Dana, only Zuul.
One (GROWLS) .
.
two .
.
three! Please come down.
See.
MAN: Cut! How good did that look? I must admit, it looked good.
It looked good, didn't it? It looked good, didn't it? It looked rad, like the film.
Paddy, practical effects.
CGI, you wouldn't get this realism.
How did you do it? Well, Sarah has got a bodycast on, which is attached to microwires which are manoeuvred with a handle round here.
Pull this (CRASHES) Oops, sorry.
Are you all right? No, I'm (BLEEP) not all right.
So for the rest of the film, we agreed to just use CGI.
Yeah, it means you don't have to do any dangerous stunts.
Is that right? Yeah.
OK, now is the part where the Ghostbusters have to go up onto the roof of Dana's apartment and do battle with Gozer, the demon that has been getting all these ghosts into New York City.
GOZER: Inferiors, you must choose, choose The Destructor.
Choose? W-w-what? I don't understand, choose? Ah, no, I get him.
Whenever we think of will appear and destroy us.
You think of Abraham Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln will appear and destroy us.
You've gotta clear your heads.
Keep your mind blank.
You have chosen.
Oh, no, no! Nobody's chosen.
I didn't choose.
Did you choose? No.
Did you choose? My mind's a complete blank.
I-I-I couldn't help it.
I tried to think of the most harmless thing I could.
Something from my childhood that couldn't possibly be a threat.
Look! It's not possible! Oh, crap! It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
(ROARS) (BOOMING FOOTSTEPS) I-I've, I've never been so terrified.
All right, yeah, so it turns out CGI also has its problems.
Told you.
No-one is in any danger, but unless you spend millions of dollars in a Hollywood special effects house, it can look a little bit computer gamey.
That's what I said! So we decided to revert back to practical effects for the finale.
Now, we didn't have time to build a real Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, that would have taken weeks.
But then I had an idea.
I-I tried to think of the most harmless thing possible.
Something from my childhood that couldn't possibly be a threat.
Look! (BOOMING FOOTSTEPS) Yeah, it's Mr Blobby.
Blobby! (SCREAMING) Blob, blob, blobah, blob, blob.
Blobby.
Blob, blobby, blob, blob.
Blobby, blobby, blobby, blob.
Oh, crap! Ah, Ghostbusters! Let him have it, boys! Aaaargh! Blobby! It's not working, you mooks! Blobby, blobby, blobby! Oh.
Blobby.
I have an idea.
What? We try and reverse the molecular flow through the porta How do we do that? We cross the streams.
You said never to cross the streams.
Crossing the streams is bad.
(WITH LISP) Cross the streams.
YORKSHIRE ACCENT: That's how he does it.
I don't understand the context but he says it like that.
We have little choice.
At least this way we still stand a slim chance we'll survive.
I like this idea.
We're doing it.
I should get a raise for this.
Yeah.
Ah.
Ow.
OK, let's turn 'em on.
(EQUIPMENT POWERS UP) Gentlemen, it's been a real pleasure working with you.
Hello! Cross the streams! Blobby! Argh! A-a-argh! Blobby! What? See, Paddy, practical effects.
Imagine what CGI Blobby foam would have looked like.
Oh, look at us, we're absolutely covered in it, aren't we? Covered.
RAY PARKER JUNIOR: Ghostbusters Oi! Kammy! Kammy! Now! Ghostbusters! # If there's something strange in your neighbourhood # Who you gonna call? # Ghostbusters! # If there's something weird And it don't look good # Who you gonna call? # Ghostbusters! # I ain't afraid of no ghosts # If you're seeing things running through your head # Who can you call? # Ghostbusters! # I ain't afraid of no ghosts # I ain't afraid of no ghosts # Who you gonna call? # Ghostbusters! # If you're all alone # (SHRIEKS)
And I'm Keith Lemon.
And this is the Keith And Paddy Picture Show, where we recreate classic films in half hour with the help of an all star cast.
ALL: We're here to believe you.
But the challenge of remaking a Hollywood classic as accurately as we can was never going to be easy.
Can you just shut up and do what I asked you to do? So we've had a documentary crew record behind the scenes as well What the hell are you doing?! .
.
as we struggle to get our remake to the screen.
MAN: Ow! We're the biggest stars in British television.
/fon You want us to play a couple of lousy ewoks?! This week Ghostbusters! Argh! (GASPS) Shh.
(SCREAMS) (SHRIEKS) RAY PARKER JUNIOR: Ghostbusters # If there's something strange in the neighbourhood # Whoa, Kammy! Kammy, stop! Cut! What have I done wrong? You're playing Ray Parker Junior.
Right? He sung the theme tune to Ghostbusters.
But that's coming later on.
Can't just jump out whenever you hear the theme tune.
OK, fair enough.
This week we're recreating Ghostbusters! The story of a group of scientists out to save New York from an army of ghouls.
Do you know, it's one of my all time favourite films and ours is gonna be ace because we managed to pull together an amazing supporting cast.
(JAUNTY RADIO JINGLE PLAYS) MAN ON TV: 'We'll be right back, folks, after these messages.
' AMERICAN ACCENT: Are you disturbed by terrifying sounds in the middle of the night? AMERICAN ACCENT: Have you ever seen a ghost or witnessed any kind of paranormal activity? BAD AMERICAN ACCENT: If the answer is yes, then you'd better call the experts.
BOLTON ACCENT: Hang up.
Is that the voice you're going with? YORKSHIRE ACCENT: I don't know how to do a voice, I'm making it my own.
Give it another go.
Try and be more Dan Aykroyd.
(HIGHER PITCH) If the answer is yes, then you know you'd better call the experts.
Do it a little bit more like Dan Aykroyd.
SQUEAKY HISPANIC ACCENT: If the answer is yes, you call the experts.
Thank you very much.
AMERICAN ACCENT: If the answer is yes, then call the experts.
STOKE ACCENT: That's gonna have to do, isn't it? Yeah.
/fon It's all right.
Yeah.
ALL: We're here to believe you.
Dana Barrett there, as played by Sarah Parish, and Egon there, played by Robbie Williams, who took time out from his world tour to come and give us a helping hand.
What a legend.
Now, one of the most iconic things about the film is, of course, the Ghostbusters car, the ECTO-1.
And ours had to be just right.
Yep.
And we managed to track down the only working replica within the whole of the UK.
And I was gonna be driving it! I've got to be honest, I'm a little broke so I may have to borrow some money out of petty cash.
I'm afraid this lavish feast here was bought out of the last of the petty cash.
We're sunk, you mooks.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello.
Ghostbusters.
Here to help with all your paranormal needs.
My name is Janine.
How may I help you today? We do.
You have? Well, just give me your address.
Oh, don't worry, they're very discreet.
Thank you.
We got one! (ALARM BELL) Let's go! RAY PARKER JUNIOR: Ghostbusters # If there's something strange in the neighbourhood # Kammy.
Not yet, mate.
I've done it again, haven't I? Yes.
/ GHOSTBUSTERS: Ray Parker Junior Argh! Argh! Argh! Ghostbusters! (SIREN) (CRASHING) I didn't know it was a manual, I can only drive an automatic.
What's that got to do with turning left? I'm sorry! Not as sorry as Robbie Williams, who suffered from severe whiplash.
He had to pull out of the rest of the episode and cancel h Well, it wasn't all a disaster because I'd already figured out a clever way to get around it.
(SIREN) Who's that? That, Patrick, is the UK's number one Robbie Williams impersonator.
So, come on! # Let me entertain you # No, that's not happening.
Take your glasses off.
Do the face.
Do.
Blobby Williams.
# I sit and wait # No, get out.
Get out.
You - Get out.
Get out.
That's it.
I can't.
You'll still get paid.
Replacing Robbie Williams was not an easy task.
But luckily, one of my favourite actors was prepared to step in at the last minute.
Jambo from Hollyoaks.
Thanks for doing this, man.
All right, no worries.
Yeah, top man.
Guys, no problem.
Glad to be here.
Yeah, anyway, back in character.
(CLEARS THROAT AND SNIFFS) Hey, did you want me to do a Robbie Williams impression? Well, all right, if you think you can.
Can you do it? Oh, come on! # Let me - No, no.
No, just leave it.
I'll just, I'll just do Egon.
Yeah.
(LIFT DINGS) AMERICAN ACCENT: Wait, there's something I forgot to tell you, it's very important.
Don't cross the streams.
Why not?/fon We're carrying unlicensed nuclear accelerators on our backs.
Imagine every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
(WOMAN SCREAMS) Whoa! Stop! What the hell are you doin'? ALL: Sorry.
Sorry about that.
I suggest we split up.
BOLTON ACCENT: Weren't thater YORKSHIRE ACCENT: It were Michelle from 'Allo! 'Allo! Hee! Well, hang on.
Vicky! Do the catchphrase, love.
FRENCH ACCENT: Aww! Rene! (LAUGHTER) That's it! That was worth the money, weren't it? Yeah.
Right.
I told you the supporting cast was going to be amazing.
Yeah, and it was about to get a whole lot better because look who just turned up on set.
Emily Atack from Inbetweeners! Keith, thank you so much for asking me to do this.
Yeah, I loved Sigourney Weaver in the original.
Such a brilliant role.
I know.
I can't believe I'm gonna get to play her.
You're not playing Sigourney Weaver's role.
Hm? No, Sarah Parish, that fantastic actress, she's playing her.
Well, what part am I gonna play, then? Egon Peter! Argh! (GROWLS) Ray.
'Are you receiving me?' Venkman, I saw it! It's right here, Ray.
It's staring right at me.
OK, well, try not to move, it won't hurt you.
Argh! Wah! Peter! Venkman, Venkman! What happened? He slimed me.
YORKSHIRE ACCENT: It's looks like you're covered in - Don't.
Just don't go there.
Cut! Can somebody please tell me why I have to wear this bloody thing? Can we not do it on CGI or whatever it's called? She's got a point.
No, Paddy, practical effects look much better.
I mean, look at her, she looks grotesque.
You look terrifying.
You look like a pair of green knackers with arms.
Why is Paddy covered in jizz? Emily is a fantastic actress, but she's got a filthy mouth, ain't she? Anyway, with the first ghost successfully dispatched, the Ghostbusters start to get inundated with calls.
There's been an explosion of paranormal activity here in New York, although people don't seem to know why.
It seems that the solution is down to a group of men calling themselves the Ghostbusters.
We need to take on extra help.
YORKSHIRE ACCENT: Why haven't we got car? BOLTON ACCENT: After what happened last time, running is much safer.
Oh, aye.
Ain't that right, Will? Eh? Oof! He were fine.
It's all right.
Now, Ghostbusters was one of the last ever films to use purely practical effects, no computer graphics at all.
That's why it remains a classic.
You see, for me, Paddy, I hate CGI because I think it makes everything look like a computer game.
Yeah, but the good thing about CGI is it's cheaper and there's no dangerous stunts.
But it looks rubbish.
That's why in our version, we're only going to use practical effects, just like in this next scene.
MAN ON RADIO: 'The Ghostbusters continued to make headlines yesterday, going toe to toe with a poltergeist in Journey Nightclub Subway.
They then stayed on to dance the night away with some lovely ladies who witnessed the supernatural encounter.
' (GASPS) (GROWLING) Zuul.
(SCREAMS) Whoa, whoa.
What's that? Cut! I was up all night making that practical effects, Paddy.
No CGI, just like they used in film.
Practical effects.
But even back then they used stop/start animation and anim That just looks like Spit the Dog with a couple of demonic ears on it.
Funny you should say that, Paddy.
MAN: 'Can I come out now?' Yes, Bob.
You all right, Bob? Ha! Thanks for making it look good.
I can't (LAUGHS) He's Spit the Dog with a couple of demonic ears on him! Go on, Bob, make him do it.
Make him do it.
Go on.
Say hello.
(SPITS) Oh! Yes! He got me! Yes! It went in my mouth! Sarah, it went in his mouth! It went in my mouth! Vomit's gone in his mouth! At the back of the throat! Look, he's smiling! He's got the teeth in! He's smiling! He's got the teeth in! Sarah, he's got teeth in! I turned down a Poirot for this.
What's a Poirot? Oh, come on.
At this point in the film, we're introducing the fourth Ghostbuster - Winston Zeddemore.
Now, in the original film, Eddie Murphy was first choice, but he turned it down so they went for a well-respected theatre actor instead.
Ernie Hudson.
So we did something similar.
Have we got Eddie Murphy? No, no, we got a well-respected theatre actor and the best kids TV presenter of all time.
Oh, we got Gary Wilmott! BOTH: Yes! Do you believe in UFOs, telepathy, ESP, clairvoyants, telekinetic movements, full transmediums, extraterrestrials, and the Loch Ness Monster? Lady, I believe anything if there's a steady paycheque in it.
I think I've discovered the cause of all this supernatural activity.
There's a building in Central Park West, the architect was some kind of wacko who built it to worship the Sumerian gods, Gozer and Zuul.
I'll check it out after I have a nap.
This is Winston.
He's here about the job.
You're hired.
I'm Ray Stantz, this is Peter Venkman.
Pleased to meet you.
# If there's something strange in the neighbourhood # Kammy.
Kammy, mate, not now.
What? There's not even any music on in this bit.
You'll tell me when? Yeah.
Ey, it's Gary Wilmott! Unbelievable, Jeff! Now, in the making of the original Ghostbusters, Bill Murray would often improvise and go off script.
Now, apparently, in this next scene, it was almost completely improvised.
Yeah, so I thought I'd give this one a go because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's improvisation.
He's the man.
(COUGHS GENTLY) BOLTON ACCENT: Hello there, Dana.
It is Peter.
Eh, no, not Kay.
Hello there? I am just playing with your knockers.
(MOUTHS) Are you the Key Master? Am I the Key Master? I think you'll find I am.
Here, like a young Brian May, aren't you? Strong, that, wasn't it? I believe on the roof, up there, up on the roof, Four Tops, for the mums and dads.
You've got a demon right up the porthole.
Matron! There is no Dana, only Zuul, you sub-human being.
Hold on a second.
Cut! Really good.
It's really good, buterm there's no sub-human bit here.
Yeah, but he's not sticking to the script, though, so I - Yeah, but see, he does ad lib, and it doesn't say anything about ad libbing for you.
If you do it too much, they'll cut it down.
I'm not being rude, but if you just say your lines.
Paddy, I thought it was fantastic, what you were doing.
Yeah.
So if you can just make it shorter, yeah? A little word we like to use on this set called professionalism, Sarah.
Right.
OK.
Let's just go again.
OK.
Good.
Yeah.
At this point, we decided to go back to the script.
The right decision because Sarah Parish was really struggling.
Anyway, look out in this next scene for a classic example of how great practical special effects can be.
AMERICAN ACCENT: Thanks for inviting us in the apartment there, Dana.
But we think you may be possessed by a Sumerian god.
Hang on a second! What the hell is going on with your accent? I know, I'd just watched Smokey And The Bandit.
There is no Dana, only Zuul.
Zuul? What are you doing in Dana's apartment? Preparing the way for Gozer, The Destructor.
Gozer, huh? He's the guy we think is in charge of the transdimensional portal above your apartment.
Oh, ho! Settle down there.
Settle down there, little lady.
OK, I'm going to count to three and if Dana doesn't appear in this apartment, there's going to be some big, big trouble.
DEEP VOICE: There is no Dana, only Zuul.
One (GROWLS) .
.
two .
.
three! Please come down.
See.
MAN: Cut! How good did that look? I must admit, it looked good.
It looked good, didn't it? It looked good, didn't it? It looked rad, like the film.
Paddy, practical effects.
CGI, you wouldn't get this realism.
How did you do it? Well, Sarah has got a bodycast on, which is attached to microwires which are manoeuvred with a handle round here.
Pull this (CRASHES) Oops, sorry.
Are you all right? No, I'm (BLEEP) not all right.
So for the rest of the film, we agreed to just use CGI.
Yeah, it means you don't have to do any dangerous stunts.
Is that right? Yeah.
OK, now is the part where the Ghostbusters have to go up onto the roof of Dana's apartment and do battle with Gozer, the demon that has been getting all these ghosts into New York City.
GOZER: Inferiors, you must choose, choose The Destructor.
Choose? W-w-what? I don't understand, choose? Ah, no, I get him.
Whenever we think of will appear and destroy us.
You think of Abraham Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln will appear and destroy us.
You've gotta clear your heads.
Keep your mind blank.
You have chosen.
Oh, no, no! Nobody's chosen.
I didn't choose.
Did you choose? No.
Did you choose? My mind's a complete blank.
I-I-I couldn't help it.
I tried to think of the most harmless thing I could.
Something from my childhood that couldn't possibly be a threat.
Look! It's not possible! Oh, crap! It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
(ROARS) (BOOMING FOOTSTEPS) I-I've, I've never been so terrified.
All right, yeah, so it turns out CGI also has its problems.
Told you.
No-one is in any danger, but unless you spend millions of dollars in a Hollywood special effects house, it can look a little bit computer gamey.
That's what I said! So we decided to revert back to practical effects for the finale.
Now, we didn't have time to build a real Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, that would have taken weeks.
But then I had an idea.
I-I tried to think of the most harmless thing possible.
Something from my childhood that couldn't possibly be a threat.
Look! (BOOMING FOOTSTEPS) Yeah, it's Mr Blobby.
Blobby! (SCREAMING) Blob, blob, blobah, blob, blob.
Blobby.
Blob, blobby, blob, blob.
Blobby, blobby, blobby, blob.
Oh, crap! Ah, Ghostbusters! Let him have it, boys! Aaaargh! Blobby! It's not working, you mooks! Blobby, blobby, blobby! Oh.
Blobby.
I have an idea.
What? We try and reverse the molecular flow through the porta How do we do that? We cross the streams.
You said never to cross the streams.
Crossing the streams is bad.
(WITH LISP) Cross the streams.
YORKSHIRE ACCENT: That's how he does it.
I don't understand the context but he says it like that.
We have little choice.
At least this way we still stand a slim chance we'll survive.
I like this idea.
We're doing it.
I should get a raise for this.
Yeah.
Ah.
Ow.
OK, let's turn 'em on.
(EQUIPMENT POWERS UP) Gentlemen, it's been a real pleasure working with you.
Hello! Cross the streams! Blobby! Argh! A-a-argh! Blobby! What? See, Paddy, practical effects.
Imagine what CGI Blobby foam would have looked like.
Oh, look at us, we're absolutely covered in it, aren't we? Covered.
RAY PARKER JUNIOR: Ghostbusters Oi! Kammy! Kammy! Now! Ghostbusters! # If there's something strange in your neighbourhood # Who you gonna call? # Ghostbusters! # If there's something weird And it don't look good # Who you gonna call? # Ghostbusters! # I ain't afraid of no ghosts # If you're seeing things running through your head # Who can you call? # Ghostbusters! # I ain't afraid of no ghosts # I ain't afraid of no ghosts # Who you gonna call? # Ghostbusters! # If you're all alone # (SHRIEKS)