Alice and Steve (2026) s01e03 Episode Script

[tranquil music playing]
-[Alice] Got your passport?
-Yeah.
-Spare socks?
-Yep.
Knuckle duster,
in case the kids get rowdy on the plane?
[sighs deeply]
Are you ever gonna forgive me?
Are you ever going to apologise?
I already have.
I know I shouldn't have said what I said.
But I was just angry that everyone
seemed to be so okay with it…
Yeah, that's not a real apology.
What else do you expect us to do, Alice?
She's grown up now.
She gets to choose her life.
So you wouldn't say anything if
she was about to jump off a cliff?
Wh-What about
asphyxiating herself while on smack…
Yeah, but she's not, is she?
She's just going on some dates with some
old bloke that you used to go out with.
Or is that the issue? You jealous?
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Well, whatever it is, you have to stop.
You're just making things worse.
Oh. Remember to feed Dom.
-Yeah.
-And don't just get Uber Eats.
[Crosby growling]
Let go of the…
Crosby, let go.
You little pervert. Let go!
[Izzy] I can't believe I still can't go.
It's been over a week.
[Steve] Yeah.
You know they say a change
in bowel movements can be a sign
that something's wrong.
Maybe I should go to the doctor's?
Have you tried eating more fruit?
Sorry, is this a conversation
you'd rather not be having?
'Cause I do tend to overshare. [chuckles]
Worrying about your health
is not embarrassing.
It's just, uh, part of being an adult.
God, you're nice.
It could be stress about your mum.
If we patch things up,
you might be able to go.
So maybe, uh,
you could try and work it out.
-No. No.
-No?
She owes us an apology, right?
I'm not gonna go to her.
Maybe I'll stay here forever.
Yeah.
[exhales deeply]
Sorry about my mum the other day.
Don't worry about it.
I like that kind of drama.
It's exciting.
And it's sweet they all care
so much about each other.
Maybe you could invite me round again?
[bell rings]
I've got coding.
-I'll see you later?
-Yeah.
[determined music playing]
Wait. Rome, Rome.
Sorry. [chuckles]
[panting] Are you going to
Harper's party later?
-Yeah. Are you?
-Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. I'll, um, I'll see you there.
-[sighs]
-I'll see you there.
Yeah.
[exhales deeply, chuckles]
[Alice] I can cook.
I-I choose not to cook.
I can be a bloody adult.
What you want to do, when he comes home,
is give him a nice blow job.
Oh, God, Mum.
Why do I have to give him a blow job?
-Because it'll make him happy.
-[sighs deeply]
Happy husband, happy life.
Yeah, lovely. Thanks, Mum.
[sighs] I just…
I just don't get why
he won't do anything to stop it.
Because he's not that man.
You wanted to work,
so you got a passive husband.
A man who looks after children
can't be assertive.
Why not?
Be-Be-Because there are
two different types of men.
You get what you get,
and you don't get upset.
Izzy is getting to pretend to be an adult.
And Steve's getting to see
a young woman in the nude.
-Ugh.
-It works for everyone.
Ooh. Oh, God. Oh, yeah, I've cut myself.
-Oh, rinse it under the cold water.
-Ooh. [exhales deeply]
Oh, Mum, can you call an ambulance?
-Oh, darling, don't be ridiculous.
-[groans]
Oh, yeah, yeah. [groans]
-[groans]
-Uh, Alice?
Mum.
-Alice?
-Please call an ambulance.
-So, you can't get it wet for a week.
-Mm-hmm.
We're gonna need you to come back
in a few days to change the dressing
and, uh, you're gonna need to be with
someone for the rest of the day, okay?
Sometimes the sedation can cause
some memory loss, some dizziness.
Okay? Oh, and uh, your lift is here.
[Steve] Are you okay?
Why are you here?
Because Izzy asked me to come.
Okay. Well, I'm completely fine,
so you can leave.
I signed a form saying I'd drive you home,
so… I'm driving you home.
-Where's Izzy?
-[Steve] She, um… She's busy.
Why didn't my mum come?
She was worried she wouldn't
be back in time for Bake Off.
[Alice sighs]
[sighs]
[seat belt rattling]
[rattling continues]
[inhales sharply, sighs]
Can you undo this, please?
[seat belt clicks]
Are you okay?
Yes. See?
It's… You know, its-it's not…
it's not bad at all.
Is-Is Dad coming back?
No. No. There's no point worrying him.
-You look like Mario.
-Mmm.
-Um, I've made soup.
-[Alice] Ah.
Okay, well, thanks for dropping me home,
but Dom will be here tonight so you can…
you can leave.
Um, actually,
I said I'd go to a party with Rome.
-No, can't you miss it?
-[Dom sighs]
It's Harper's big yearly party, and I…
I can stay. It's fine.
Yeah.
[whispers] I'll give you
25 quid if you stay.
It's just that Rome will be there.
Fifty.
-Seventy-five. Oh, come on.
-[sighs]
-That's like… That's like ten Nando's.
-I normally…
I totally would, but…
Okay.
Mmm. Okay.
[mumbles]
Okay, bye.
-Wait, what? You're-You're leaving now?
-[Dom] Yep.
-Okay. Well, text me when you get there?
-Uh-huh.
-And text me when you're heading back.
-Uh-huh.
Mmm, hold on.
So, if-if you talk to your sister,
um, will you tell her that I love her
and that's she not allowed to hate me.
Um, tell her that I miss her
and that I… [stutters]
-No, just tell her that I love her.
-Okay, will do.
Bye.
You can go. I'm totally fine.
-I'm staying.
-But I don't want you to stay.
You don't have anyone else, do you?
Do you? No.
You need me, so I'm gonna stay.
You're welcome.
[exhales deeply]
[TV narrator] There was a consensus
that civil war was the only option.
-There was no longer a peaceful way…
-[phone buzzes]
…to settle the differences between…
-Hiya.
-[Izzy] Hey!
Don't tell her it's me.
I'm not talking to her
until she's apologised.
-[Steve] Yeah. Okay.
-Is she all right?
Uh, yeah, uh, fine, thanks.
Well, how bad's the cut?
I would say probably about medium.
So, what time are you gonna be home?
Um… [clicks tongue]
…actually a friend has been in an accident
and the doctor said they need someone
to help them until they go to bed.
Oh, okay.
Is she at least being appreciative?
Um…
I would… I would say no.
Please don't make out to Izzy
that you're some kind of lifesaver.
I don't even want you here!
What? What did she just say?
Uh-Uh-Uh, nothing. I should go.
Well, thank you, for going.
You're a total lifesaver.
I love you.
[gasps]
I love you.
"Love you…"
It's terribly moving, isn't it?
[breathes shakily, sighs]
-Luke is so scared of banging the cymbals…
-[chuckling]
…that he does
this little spasm. [chuckles]
It's nice having you here.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
I, um…
Yeah, the kids love you.
You've got a lovely way with them.
I've really enjoyed it.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Good, 'cause I was worried
that I'd kidnapped you. [chuckles]
No, I haven't been away
without my family for, like, 16 years.
Jesus. That is long.
We should celebrate. [chuckles]
Excuse… Hi, can we have
two more espresso martinis, please.
Oh, I'm sorry, we've closed.
Wha… Oh, no.
No, go on,
what can we do to keep you open?
I'll give you the tip
of his little finger.
I'm sorry.
-Boo. Boo!
-[chuckles]
-Boo up.
-Boo!
-Boo that man. [chuckles]
-[chuckles]
Sorry.
Oh, I'm not ready to go to bed. Are you?
I don't know.
-Okay.
-Okay.
-Come on, let's go attack the minibar.
-Yeah.
[dance music playing on speakers]
-We're really coming up!
-[chuckles]
I think I need to get out of here.
This room is amazing.
[both chuckling]
[Dom sighs]
I think you're so magical.
And so wise.
And so, so, so incredibly beautiful.
And I think
that I love you.
[inhales deeply]
[TV narrator] Families were divided.
-Brother fought against brother.
-[camera shutter clicks]
-But when the war eventually ended…
-[camera shutter clicks]
…relatives found themselves back home,
embracing the enemies
that they would've killed
on the battlefield only days before.
You look fat.
It felt vital though, didn't it?
Just knowing that this day
will stay in these kids' heads
for the rest of their life.
Mmm. [swallows]
It's been really great
getting to know you more, Marni.
Yeah, why haven't I been
on these trips before?
-Hello, you.
-[stammers]
Oh, my God, Jeffrey…
[gasps] …you should be in bed.
Are you a very naughty boy?
-What?
-Is this your first time?
Are you shy, Jeffrey?
No, no, I'm…
[stammers] No, I'm sorry, I can't do this.
I'm-I'm married.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
You're awfully young
to be married, Jeffrey.
I love my wife.
-I love my wife.
-Oh!
I love my wife.
[inhales shakily]
What did you think I meant by minibar?
No, it's-it's-it's totally my fault.
Was it the Jeffrey thing?
Or do you not find me attractive?
No. No, neither.
You're ver… You're very pretty.
Um, I've never been unfaithful before,
you know, it's, like,
it hasn't even come up for me.
What about if you were on the escalator,
or on the tube?
You don't look at everyone and wonder,
you know, who you'd fuck first?
I've not even thought about it.
What?
Is your wife uptight too?
Uh, no, no, no, no, she's um, you know,
she's into dirty talk and stuff.
Mm-hmm. What do you talk about
when you do the dirty talk?
Uh, she tends to tell me what to say. Um…
-What, she gives you a script?
-Look, I… I shouldn't…
-I shouldn't be talking about this--
-You know both parties are meant
-to enjoy it, right?
-Yeah, and I do.
Yeah, but what do you like? For you?
Like, sex is, like, a big deal.
It's like… [sniffles] …your ego.
So, what do you enjoy?
Oh, Jesus.
Dan… I think that's about
the saddest thing I've ever heard.
[exhales deeply]
You need to get in touch
with your sexual self, like, stat.
-I'm not having an affair.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got that.
I'm gonna take your case on, as a friend.
It'll be like, um,
you know on those Instagram stories
where the jogger finds a dying cat in
the desert and puts it in their rucksack.
-[clicks tongue] Am I the cat?
-Well, yeah, you're the cat.
[TV narrator] Civil war
ripped the young nation in half.
-They returned home on the same night…
-[phone chimes]
…meeting and embracing
in the family's apple orchard.
Hey, you're on speaker.
[Dom] Uh, Mum, something happened
and I-I don't know what to do.
-What's happened?
-[Dom] We-We had some gummies.
I-I said that Rome was magical
and beautiful and that I loved them
but then they ran off.
Mum, can you come over?
-Everything's gone a bit hectic.
-Okay. Where are you?
-It's, uh, Wandsworth somewhere.
-Okay, do the thing
where you drop me the arrow.
I'll be there in 30 minutes.
You can't drive.
You can't operate machinery.
Oh, all right, fine,
then-then you-you drive.
Okay. Actually, I can't drive either,
I've had a few drinks.
-I didn't know we were gonna be going out.
-Okay, we'll get a taxi.
[taxi honks]
-[groans]
-Wandsworth, please.
Yeah, sure.
-[exhales deeply]
-[seat belt rattles]
[mumbles]
-Oh.
-No, I can do it!
-No, I can't. Actually, I can't do it.
-[seat belt clicks]
Yo! Oy!
-Wha-Whoa.
-[Alice] What the fuck are you doing?
Can we go a little slower, please?
Fucking… Stop them! [mumbles]
[Alice] Can you just slow down, please?
-There's another car.
-That's too close.
You're too close…
What the fuck are you doing?
Yo!
-[Alice] Fuck!
-Slow down, please!
-[Alice screams] We're too close!
-[Steve] God!
[Alice] For God's sake!
-Why are you getting out of the car?
-What the fuck is he doing?
[Steve scoffs]
-Um…
-[bag unzips]
Do you need to be driving?
[speaks indistinctly]
Has he got a weapon?
-[speaks indistinctly]
-[Steve] Shall I cancel the ride?
[exhales deeply]
Sorry, that was my cousin.
I had his bowl. [chuckles]
[taxi driver groans]
-No problem.
-[mouthing] No.
["The Power of Love"
playing through radio]
[exhales deeply]
That was terrifying. I feel ill.
-[Alice] Dom? Dom?
-Five stars. Great communication.
-[dance music playing on speakers]
-[Alice] Dom?
-[Steve] Hi, do you know Dom?
-[Alice] Dom?
-[Steve] Is Dom here?
-No.
-There's no Dom?
-[Alice] Sorry. Dom? Excuse me.
[Steve] Do you know Dom?
[Alice] Now, Dom…
So… Sorry. Sorry, do you…
-Hi.
-Ah. No. Oh.
Hey. What's-What's going on?
[music stops]
We're all dying.
There's no water in our mouths.
Colin's hand is a map.
-[teenager chuckles] Yeah.
-[teenager 2 gags, coughs]
Okay, whose house is this?
Whose house is it?
[Harper] It's my house.
Where… [stammers] Was that…
[Steve] Oh. Hi.
Hey. Are your parents away?
When do they come back?
Tomorrow.
[upbeat music playing]
[Alice] Okay. [sighs]
Everyone get into a circle.
I want hands on backs, people.
Okay. No one is dying.
-You've got this?
-Got it.
We're all safe.
And this is a happy time.
Total acceptance.
-Everyone okay in here?
-Yeah.
Okay. When you get back
to your own houses,
take your clothes off,
put them on for a two-and-a-half-hour dry.
And take your rubbish with you.
If you help Harper clean, there's a good
chance you'll be able to party here again.
If you don't, you won't.
-Everything okay down there?
-Yeah, all good.
[music stops]
[Dom] Mum! [panting]
Mum. [breathes heavily]
I called Rome and they said
they were by a bridge
and then the phone went dead.
What if something terrible has happened?
[panting]
[Rome] Go away!
He shouldn't have called you!
I-I wasn't doing anything else.
Did I… Did I do something terrible?
No, no. Of course you didn't.
Maybe…
Maybe you and I stay back for a bit.
Yeah. Yeah. [sighs]
Hey. [exhales deeply]
What happened?
Dom said that he loved me.
Ugh.
Yeah, I hate when people say,
"I love you," and…
and then you're meant to say it back.
It'd be better if we all just said,
"Ooh, look, I love you right now,
it may be momentary,
and also I do not need you
to say it back." [chuckles]
[speaking indistinctly]
[exhales deeply]
Um, Dom…
Do you want a chewing gum?
-Um, uh, yes, please. Yeah.
-[phone chimes]
Just got some good news.
I don't want to need anyone.
My dad didn't love my mum.
And… [cries] …he didn't love us.
How can you not love your own kid?
Some people find love hard.
And some people are just arseholes.
What if you love someone and…
it goes wrong?
Well, it doesn't cancel out the good.
I mean, you don't not eat crisps
because, you know,
you'll have to stop eating them one day.
Why do you have to stop
eating the crisps? [sniffles]
I don't know. It's a bad analogy.
How are we meant to know
if we really like each other
or whether we're just a rush of hormones?
No idea.
'Cause I'm at the other end
of the hormone rainbow.
I-I can go from love to
disdain in 20 seconds flat.
[sniffles]
-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
-I'm sorry.
No, don't be. [chuckles]
Oh, I'm having a lovely time.
[both chuckling]
[sniffles]
You are definitely a very worthy
human being, Rome.
I've met thousands of humans,
and there's usually only like 3% of them
that are really magnificent,
and you are definitely one of the 3%.
Thank you, Alice.
It's my pleasure.
[Steve] I reckon you can go over now.
[sniffles]
Sorry.
Don't be.
I can, um, be a real idiot sometimes.
[both chuckle]
That's what I like about you.
Yeah, I-I can't get down.
-Swing your leg through here.
-[groans]
-No. This one. [laughs]
-Don't laugh.
-Straighten it and swi…
-I can't.
-…and swing, just swing it through.
-[groans]
Here, lean back.
[Alice sighs]
-[grunts]
-[exhales deeply]
What am I meant to do now?
Let go.
I didn't mean it like that.
[groans]
[sighs]
[Alice] When it happened,
did you just not think about me at all?
I did, for a… for a moment and then…
I like… I like her.
I really like her.
Turns out I'm a complete fucking arsehole.
You are a complete fucking arsehole.
I hate that I've made you sad.
But now that it's happened,
do you think, uh,
you would ever be okay with-with…
No.
I don't.
-You'll be robbing her of her youth.
-I'm not that old.
You are!
We're almost over. She's only just begun.
It's my job to protect her
from people like us.
I want you to break up with her.
You said to me that any woman
would be lucky to have me.
Not her.
[inhales sharply]
Do you love me?
Yes.
Then break it off.
I'm… begging you to end it.
Please, Steve,
promise me you'll break up with her.
Okay.
["Blue Skies" playing]
[exhales deeply]
Blue skies smiling at me ♪
Nothing but blue skies do I see ♪
Blue birds singing a song ♪
Nothing but blue skies from now on ♪
I never saw the sun shining so bright ♪
Never saw things going so right ♪
Noticing the days hurrying by ♪
When you're in love
My how they fly by ♪