Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil (2005) s01e03 Episode Script
Dildo Factory
0
FATHER CANTALUPI:
When archeologists unearthed
the Black Sea shrimp forks,
the Vatican arranged for them to be sent to us in San Francisco.
These forks are part of the legendary "last serving" set
and one of the few utensils
in the world
that can pierce
the heart of the Antichrist.
No, no, no.
I appreciate that you
overnighted them, your holiness.
Yes, I know it's expensive.
They're 2,000 years old.
I know, I know.
What can I say?
This is -- this is my fault.
We went to yoga,
and we had to sign up,
and it was a whole --
It was our -- anyway, tomorrow,
we'll make sure someone will be here to sign for it.
FATHER CANTALUPI:
While we were waiting
for redelivery,
the Devil was busy.
Oh, yes,
the Devil was very busy.
According to our studies,
if the people of the world
masturbate just 8% more,
civilization will collapse.
- [ speaking French ]
- [ speaking foreign language ]
We feel that men can't possibly masturbate more,
but women --
women can.
Yeah, especially her.
[ laughs ]
Translate that.
[ speaking foreign language ]
[ laughter ]
- What?
- Nothing.
I have a flow going,
and it doesn't help.
It's hard enough
having an interpreter,
but then to have you throw these things in.
No, you don't have to interpret this part.
Sir, stop.
Continue.
So, we built Sinsperations.
[ cellphone rings ]
This is one of the most ambitious
sex toy manufacturing
and outreach operations
ever undertaken.
Hello?
LUCY:
Hi, it's me.
I need to borrow $180.
I want to take a pottery class.
Um, I can't really hear you,
but I heard "dollars," so, no.
Where are you?
I'm at my dildo factory.
You have a dildo factory?
Yeah, of course --
Sinsperations.
- I know Sinsperations.
- You do?
Yeah, I actually wrote
a letter to them once.
I had this amazing idea for --
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Daddy doesn't want to hear baby's ideas about dildos.
LUCY:
No, it's a vibrator.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't want to hear this.
Thank you.
Dad, so prudish.
I'm a big, big masturbator.
- Bye.
I thought you knew
that about me.
It's kind of my thing.
- Bye.
I would love to come in and do product testing.
Bye. I shut my phone.
Oh, do you have a "bring your
daughter to work" day?
CANTALUPI:
And through it all,
the D.J. continued to spread
his message of love
through sensational
public appearances
and corporate events.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm holding my arms out
for three days and three nights
to break the world record.
You know, we're also podcasting
and videoblogging.
Yeah?
How do you go to the bathroom?
A catheter.
How do you go poo?
That would be me right here.
You want to try it?
Oh, boy, can I?
Yeah.
Is it cool with you, Jesús?
Yeah, it's all right, man.
Thank you.
- Okay, hold it under him.
JESUS:
Here we go.
- Kid, hold it under him.
KID:
I don't want it to -- ugh.
Oh.
```markdown
```
JESÚS:
So, did you say your dad has
a dildo factory?
JESÚS:
So, did you say your dad has
a dildo factory?
I did.
Awesome.
We want your dad to make
a dildo of me
breaking the world record
for holding my arms out.
We're going to auction it off on holdingmyarmsout.com.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Wow.
- I'd buy it
for my mom!
[ nervous laughter ]
For your mom!
Whoo! Huh?
BECKY:
Civilization could collapse
at any moment.
It's time to start phase two.
Satan!
SATAN:
Sorry. What?
I just got an e-mail from Lucy.
She's killing me
with this stuff.
BECKY:
Ew.
SATAN:
"Leave me alone."
Send.
LUCY:
[ laughs ]
"If you don't like that,
you're gonna hate this."
BECKY:
I don't get it.
MAN:
That's the part
you have sex with.
BECKY:
I don't think you're right.
MAN:
Well, that's the part
I'd have sex with.
SATAN:
Will you delete it?
I don't want to look at it.
MAN:
Make it a screen saver.
[ knocking on door ]
FATHER BENETTI:
Oh, no.
I'm coming!
Coming!
[ toilet flushes ]
I'm coming.
Coming!
No-o-o-o-o!
For two minutes, I'm in the
bathroom, and the guy comes.
It's not my fault.
Oh, I doubt
it was two minutes.
Okay, settle down.
He reads US magazine
cover to cover.
Sister, settle down.
It says we can pick it up tomorrow
at the distribution center.
These are some of the most sacred artifacts
in the
Christian world.
I don't read US magazine.
Thank you, Father.
Yes, you do!
Stop!
Sister, walk away.
Walk away.
SATAN:
No, don't let her in.
Sorry.
Dad, just let me into the workshop.
I'll do the rest.
SATAN:
Never.
This is a promotional opportunity.
Just give me the motor
and the shaft.
Lucy, go home.
So, so many people
have come by today
and said that it
doesn't look hard,
what I'm doing.
To hold your arms out like this at a 90% angle or higher is --
I say try it, okay?
You try it.
Most people can't even do it
five minutes.
Forget about three days.
I mean, come on.
[ barking ]
Oh, God, help me!
Pull me up!
MALE VOICE:
Be strong!
Ahhhh!
Must be strong.
Oh, dear God in heaven,
it's chewing my leg up!
[ distorted ]
Help me!
Must be strong.
[ snoring ]
MAN:
Please, come out of there.
Are you talking to me?
Yes.
Is that a dildo in your pocket?
No, I'm just happy to see you.
Hey, I've heard that one.
Every shoplifter makes that same joke.
This is my dad's company.
I am not a shoplifter.
CANTALUPI:
The most heinous part
of the Devil's plot
was about to unfold --
phase two.
Psst, little girl,
if you see a box marked
"motors,"
take one out,
put it in your pocket,
and find me
as soon as you can.
[ mid-tempo tune plays ]
Come along.
It won't be long.
Till you're giving in
to Sinsperation ♪
Have a touch.
You, have a taste.
Because this is an official
Sinvitation.
If you want it all ♪
You can have it all ♪
If you have a dream ♪
Use these fabulous machines ♪
These Sinsperations ♪
Taste it.
Chocolate.
We've got every flavor in the world.
- Blue cheese?
- But of course.
- Hot dogs?
- Hot-dog flavor, yes.
- Eh, caviar?
- Yes.
Peanut butter?
Every flavor in the world.
If you see a box marked "motors,"
take one out,
put it in your pocket,
and find me
as soon as you can.
Thief!
[ all screaming ]
[ steam hissing ]
Mommy!
She's gonna blow!
Whoa.
Ha!
MAN:
I don't even know what this --
what is "Vatican City special" --
I am a special father of
the Vatican.
Vatican City.
You got a passport?
This is better than a passport.
I need a passport or a U.S. driver's license.
This is ridiculous.
I can get in to see the Pope
with this,
but I can't pick up a [bleep] package.
This is [bleep].
- You know who gives these out?
God gives these out.
Who did your background check,
[bleep]?
Sir, you need to calm down.
Sir?!
[ grunting ]
Sister.
Okay, go and get the package.
Hey, you smell something
burning?
[ siren wails ]
Oh, I cannot believe this.
We were so close.
Phase two was almost complete.
Do you know
how close we were?
Now we've got equipment damage,
P.R. damage,
not to mention our stock has plummeted.
Look at that smug son of a bitch.
This is going to take months.
No, probably years to get back
to where we were.
I could hold my arms up
for three days.
Yeah, they're stuck like this.
Um, some kind of paralysis,
but I've got a great medical team.
I'm not worried.
We're going to fix it.
Jesús.
Jesús, question over here.
Question over here, sir.
Is it true you commissioned
a dildo of yourself?
Yeah, where's Lucy?
Here I am.
Oh!
MAN:
Hey, it's D.J. Jesús.
It's being auctioned on the website, guys.
Look at the website.
What's the website address?
Holdingmyarmsout.com.
Lucy?
- I'm here.
Where is Lucy?
Excuse me, excuse me.
- Lucy!
- Jesús!
- Where's Lucy?
- Here I am!
BECKY:
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, look at this.
He did it.
He turned it around.
I can't believe it.
Oh, my God, Lucy did it with her horrible dildo.
Huh?
- We're back on top.
Here's to Lucy
and her horrible dildo.
You know what?
I don't want to cheer
with dildos.
What's the problem?
That one hasn't been used.
That one has?
BECKY:
Awkward.
FATHER CANTALUPI:
When archeologists unearthed
the Black Sea shrimp forks,
the Vatican arranged for them to be sent to us in San Francisco.
These forks are part of the legendary "last serving" set
and one of the few utensils
in the world
that can pierce
the heart of the Antichrist.
No, no, no.
I appreciate that you
overnighted them, your holiness.
Yes, I know it's expensive.
They're 2,000 years old.
I know, I know.
What can I say?
This is -- this is my fault.
We went to yoga,
and we had to sign up,
and it was a whole --
It was our -- anyway, tomorrow,
we'll make sure someone will be here to sign for it.
FATHER CANTALUPI:
While we were waiting
for redelivery,
the Devil was busy.
Oh, yes,
the Devil was very busy.
According to our studies,
if the people of the world
masturbate just 8% more,
civilization will collapse.
- [ speaking French ]
- [ speaking foreign language ]
We feel that men can't possibly masturbate more,
but women --
women can.
Yeah, especially her.
[ laughs ]
Translate that.
[ speaking foreign language ]
[ laughter ]
- What?
- Nothing.
I have a flow going,
and it doesn't help.
It's hard enough
having an interpreter,
but then to have you throw these things in.
No, you don't have to interpret this part.
Sir, stop.
Continue.
So, we built Sinsperations.
[ cellphone rings ]
This is one of the most ambitious
sex toy manufacturing
and outreach operations
ever undertaken.
Hello?
LUCY:
Hi, it's me.
I need to borrow $180.
I want to take a pottery class.
Um, I can't really hear you,
but I heard "dollars," so, no.
Where are you?
I'm at my dildo factory.
You have a dildo factory?
Yeah, of course --
Sinsperations.
- I know Sinsperations.
- You do?
Yeah, I actually wrote
a letter to them once.
I had this amazing idea for --
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Daddy doesn't want to hear baby's ideas about dildos.
LUCY:
No, it's a vibrator.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't want to hear this.
Thank you.
Dad, so prudish.
I'm a big, big masturbator.
- Bye.
I thought you knew
that about me.
It's kind of my thing.
- Bye.
I would love to come in and do product testing.
Bye. I shut my phone.
Oh, do you have a "bring your
daughter to work" day?
CANTALUPI:
And through it all,
the D.J. continued to spread
his message of love
through sensational
public appearances
and corporate events.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm holding my arms out
for three days and three nights
to break the world record.
You know, we're also podcasting
and videoblogging.
Yeah?
How do you go to the bathroom?
A catheter.
How do you go poo?
That would be me right here.
You want to try it?
Oh, boy, can I?
Yeah.
Is it cool with you, Jesús?
Yeah, it's all right, man.
Thank you.
- Okay, hold it under him.
JESUS:
Here we go.
- Kid, hold it under him.
KID:
I don't want it to -- ugh.
Oh.
```markdown
```
JESÚS:
So, did you say your dad has
a dildo factory?
JESÚS:
So, did you say your dad has
a dildo factory?
I did.
Awesome.
We want your dad to make
a dildo of me
breaking the world record
for holding my arms out.
We're going to auction it off on holdingmyarmsout.com.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Wow.
- I'd buy it
for my mom!
[ nervous laughter ]
For your mom!
Whoo! Huh?
BECKY:
Civilization could collapse
at any moment.
It's time to start phase two.
Satan!
SATAN:
Sorry. What?
I just got an e-mail from Lucy.
She's killing me
with this stuff.
BECKY:
Ew.
SATAN:
"Leave me alone."
Send.
LUCY:
[ laughs ]
"If you don't like that,
you're gonna hate this."
BECKY:
I don't get it.
MAN:
That's the part
you have sex with.
BECKY:
I don't think you're right.
MAN:
Well, that's the part
I'd have sex with.
SATAN:
Will you delete it?
I don't want to look at it.
MAN:
Make it a screen saver.
[ knocking on door ]
FATHER BENETTI:
Oh, no.
I'm coming!
Coming!
[ toilet flushes ]
I'm coming.
Coming!
No-o-o-o-o!
For two minutes, I'm in the
bathroom, and the guy comes.
It's not my fault.
Oh, I doubt
it was two minutes.
Okay, settle down.
He reads US magazine
cover to cover.
Sister, settle down.
It says we can pick it up tomorrow
at the distribution center.
These are some of the most sacred artifacts
in the
Christian world.
I don't read US magazine.
Thank you, Father.
Yes, you do!
Stop!
Sister, walk away.
Walk away.
SATAN:
No, don't let her in.
Sorry.
Dad, just let me into the workshop.
I'll do the rest.
SATAN:
Never.
This is a promotional opportunity.
Just give me the motor
and the shaft.
Lucy, go home.
So, so many people
have come by today
and said that it
doesn't look hard,
what I'm doing.
To hold your arms out like this at a 90% angle or higher is --
I say try it, okay?
You try it.
Most people can't even do it
five minutes.
Forget about three days.
I mean, come on.
[ barking ]
Oh, God, help me!
Pull me up!
MALE VOICE:
Be strong!
Ahhhh!
Must be strong.
Oh, dear God in heaven,
it's chewing my leg up!
[ distorted ]
Help me!
Must be strong.
[ snoring ]
MAN:
Please, come out of there.
Are you talking to me?
Yes.
Is that a dildo in your pocket?
No, I'm just happy to see you.
Hey, I've heard that one.
Every shoplifter makes that same joke.
This is my dad's company.
I am not a shoplifter.
CANTALUPI:
The most heinous part
of the Devil's plot
was about to unfold --
phase two.
Psst, little girl,
if you see a box marked
"motors,"
take one out,
put it in your pocket,
and find me
as soon as you can.
[ mid-tempo tune plays ]
Come along.
It won't be long.
Till you're giving in
to Sinsperation ♪
Have a touch.
You, have a taste.
Because this is an official
Sinvitation.
If you want it all ♪
You can have it all ♪
If you have a dream ♪
Use these fabulous machines ♪
These Sinsperations ♪
Taste it.
Chocolate.
We've got every flavor in the world.
- Blue cheese?
- But of course.
- Hot dogs?
- Hot-dog flavor, yes.
- Eh, caviar?
- Yes.
Peanut butter?
Every flavor in the world.
If you see a box marked "motors,"
take one out,
put it in your pocket,
and find me
as soon as you can.
Thief!
[ all screaming ]
[ steam hissing ]
Mommy!
She's gonna blow!
Whoa.
Ha!
MAN:
I don't even know what this --
what is "Vatican City special" --
I am a special father of
the Vatican.
Vatican City.
You got a passport?
This is better than a passport.
I need a passport or a U.S. driver's license.
This is ridiculous.
I can get in to see the Pope
with this,
but I can't pick up a [bleep] package.
This is [bleep].
- You know who gives these out?
God gives these out.
Who did your background check,
[bleep]?
Sir, you need to calm down.
Sir?!
[ grunting ]
Sister.
Okay, go and get the package.
Hey, you smell something
burning?
[ siren wails ]
Oh, I cannot believe this.
We were so close.
Phase two was almost complete.
Do you know
how close we were?
Now we've got equipment damage,
P.R. damage,
not to mention our stock has plummeted.
Look at that smug son of a bitch.
This is going to take months.
No, probably years to get back
to where we were.
I could hold my arms up
for three days.
Yeah, they're stuck like this.
Um, some kind of paralysis,
but I've got a great medical team.
I'm not worried.
We're going to fix it.
Jesús.
Jesús, question over here.
Question over here, sir.
Is it true you commissioned
a dildo of yourself?
Yeah, where's Lucy?
Here I am.
Oh!
MAN:
Hey, it's D.J. Jesús.
It's being auctioned on the website, guys.
Look at the website.
What's the website address?
Holdingmyarmsout.com.
Lucy?
- I'm here.
Where is Lucy?
Excuse me, excuse me.
- Lucy!
- Jesús!
- Where's Lucy?
- Here I am!
BECKY:
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, look at this.
He did it.
He turned it around.
I can't believe it.
Oh, my God, Lucy did it with her horrible dildo.
Huh?
- We're back on top.
Here's to Lucy
and her horrible dildo.
You know what?
I don't want to cheer
with dildos.
What's the problem?
That one hasn't been used.
That one has?
BECKY:
Awkward.