Mating Season (2026) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Who wants some honey loaf
and a cup of ginger tea?
Ah! Don't mind if I…
[dejectedly] Oh, no crème fraîche?
I'm so sorry, sweetie. I'll whip up
some fresh fraîche for you right now.
He's a grown bear.
He doesn't need whipped cream.
It's not whipped cream, Dad.
It's crème fraîche.
-They're the same thing.
-[laughing] Are you kidding?
I'd never put whipped cream
on honey loaf. That's sweet on sweet.
You do know that
some bears kill their families, right?
Oh, Robbie, be nice!
Josh is going through a lot right now.
Yeah, a lot of whipped cream.
-It's crème fraîche. It's savory.
-[Robert sighs]
It's thicker. It balances the sweetness
with the density of the crumb.
Why are you even in my cave?
You should be out there
looking for a mate,
so come winter,
you don't have to hibernate with us!
-He's taking a break from dating.
-My heart needs to heal.
-He's working on himself.
-Ugh.
-You stay as long as you need.
-For God's sake.
-We love you, Joshy Bear.
-Love you too, Mom! Good night, Robert.
Get a job!
-Mmm.
-[Robert faintly] You're spoiling him.
When I was his age,
I was in the Salmon Wars.
[scoffs] That was barely a war.
[Robert] I lost a lot of good friends
in that stream.
[Ellen faintly] Aw!
Does Papa Bear need a little, um…
a little sexual healing?
-What?
-[Robert] Maybe.
-[Ellen moaning]
-What is happening?
-[Ellen huskily] Enter me, Robbie.
-Oh, no.
-[parents moaning]
-No, no, no!
[Robert] You want my crème fraîche,
do you?
-He does know what crème fraîche is!
-[Ellen] Oh, Papa Bear!
["Fooled Around and Fell in Love"
by Elvin Bishop playing]
Fooled around and fell in love ♪
I fooled around and fell in love ♪
I fooled around and fell in love ♪
Fooled around and fell in love ♪
[song fades]
-[both laughing]
-[Fawn] Okay, fine.
I guess I'd fuck Alvin,
marry Simon, and kill Theodore?
You'd kill Theodore? He's the cutest one.
One of those chipmunks has to die.
Those are the rules.
Those are the rules.
-Wait, hold on a second. You got a little…
-What? Is there something on my face?
Ah, just a little deer tick
right there on your snout.
-Oh!
-Got it.
Make a wish.
-[slurps]
-Well, what'd you wish for?
Zeke, if I tell you, it won't come true.
So…
[sensually] So…
-[Penelope] So?
-Yeah, so what happened?
So nothing! Nothing happened.
The date ended at the lull.
-The lull?
-You know. The lull.
It's that moment
when the conversation is over.
-Right before the guy makes a move.
-But with this guy, no move.
-Just lull?
-Just lull.
-And you're sure this moose is into you?
-Yes!
We've been out like six times.
We have so much fun together.
And last week, he dug a hole
right outside my door, you guys.
-Then he pissed in it. I know.
-Whoa.
That's a really big deal in moose culture.
So what's this guy's problem then?
Well, he's coming out of a divorce.
And I know he got married really young.
Oh, no! Did he get his teacher
pregnant or something?
I did check, but thank God, no.
I think maybe I intimidate him?
-[sarcastically] 'Cause you're so hot?
-Honestly, yeah.
-Then why don't you make the move?
-[groans] I've never had to make the move.
-Fuck you.
-It's easy!
When the lull comes around again,
you lean in.
And if he doesn't shrink away,
you tickle his pickle.
And if he does shrink?
Then you die alone
and pray your friendships were enough.
Yeah, I don't want that.
I want the pickle thing.
-So?
-Ugh! Fine.
I will make a move,
but I am not happy about it.
-Hon1estly, I would kill for a lull.
-Really?
Yeah, I've been
seeing this bunny, McKayleigh.
-Ridiculous name.
-And I really like her.
-But she's insatiable.
-Well, she is a bunny.
Okay, but by the fifth or sixth time,
Lil' Raymond Valentine isn't,
you know, at full salute.
I can't keep up!
But sex is like your whole thing.
Exactly. It's my whole identity.
It's who I am.
Without it, I'm just gorgeous in the face.
-[dejectedly] Hey, guys.
-What's the matter?
Ugh, I haven't slept. My parents were up
all night making rumble tumble.
-Wow.
-Good for them!
No, not good for them! Bad for them!
And bad for Joshy!
I can't believe your dad's still
getting it up at his age. Go, Robert.
-He's probably taking horny goat weed.
-You think?
Yeah! A lot of older guys do.
And I'm sure my dad does because
he's been bragging about his "stamina."
-Ugh, the wrong parent died.
-Thank you.
You know, Ray, maybe you
should try some horny goat weed
for your little problem.
-[spitting] What? Excuse you!
-Ahh!
I don't need pills.
I'm young. I'm in my prime.
-[menacingly] You will die!
-What's that now?
I am Celeste the Psychic.
Heed my warning, trash cat.
You will die before this week is through.
-[coyly] Unless…
-Unless what?
Unless you pay me to read your cards.
-Okay.
-There's the scam.
-Shame on you, you crooked little mouse.
-Whoa, whoa, hold on.
You guys don't believe that some animals
are blessed with the gift of second sight?
Psychics aren't real, Penelope.
[laughing] Oh my God. You are such
a Libra right now. It's insane.
Perhaps you should come see me,
and your fortune shall be revealed.
Ooh, a business card!
She's a fraud.
Look, her cane is a toothpick.
May your death be painful
and public, trash cat.
Ah, get out of here.
-[poof]
-[coughing]
Can you believe that con artist,
pretending to know the future?
Well, I know my future.
I heard my parents say they want
to try role playing tonight as humans.
-Creepy.
-You know what I heard?
Some humans dress up
like us when they have sex.
-Nah, I don't like that.
-They call themselves "furries."
And one of them
is the richest man in the world.
Yep, I've heard that too.
-[bedposts thumping]
-[moaning] Yes, yes, yes!
-And we're done!
-[McKayleigh screaming in pleasure]
-Whoo-hoo!
-[giggles]
-Wow.
-Whoo!
-Wow, McKayleigh, that was fulfilling.
-[laughing] Wow.
So fulfilling. So good.
Yeah, especially the big finale, right?
I loved when you put
your face in the pillow, and just said…
-[angrily] "Come on, Ray, focus!"
-Yeah, ladies love that.
Anyway, I think
since we're both deeply satisfied,
we can now go to sleep, right?
Oh, I mean, I don't know.
I could go again.
[unconvincingly] You could go again!
Even better than stopping!
-[cackling]
-I could go so many more times!
I just need, uh…
-Uno momento.
-Hurry back!
-[both laughing]
-You listen to me, you little shit!
I feed you, I bathe you,
I give you a home.
And now I need you to fill up
with blood and become turgid.
Ahh! No, no, no, don't get smaller!
[McKayleigh] Hey, babe!
Are you coming back to bed?
Of course, babe! One sec.
Look, buddy, I'm sorry I yelled.
You know I love you.
[angrily] But come on, you can do this!
[angrily] Come on, you can do this.
You can make a move.
You say you're a feminist, so get
out there and throw yourself at this guy.
-Hey!
-Hey.
Mr. Big Moose.
Well, you know I'm actually pretty
average size for a moose, right?
-[laughing] Oh God! You're hilarious.
-Oh!
-[sensually] Say more funny things.
-Um…
I had a twin that died?
Oh! In like a funny way?
-No, no, bone cancer.
-Oh.
Yeah. Yeah, devastating stuff.
[suggestively] Kind of feels like
we're in a lull.
A lull?
-Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
-Oh God, I did it wrong!
No, no, no, no, no!
It's just been so long
since I've done this. It's really…
You can tell me
if you think I'm repulsive.
Are you kidding? No! You're incredible.
I'm giving up
a lot of leverage by saying this,
but you are way out of my league!
Yeah! That's what I thought!
So what is it? What can we do?
I don't know! I just…
I mean, there's this one thing…
What?
…that a lot of moose do
that we could try, but it's really moosey.
Oh God, is it anal?
What? No! It's, um…
Okay, so have you seen this thing
where two males lock horns?
-Sure, they kinda wrestle?
-Yeah.
Yeah, we males do that to show
a potential mate how strong we are.
-Oh.
-And it gets our, uh, testosterone up.
Well, that sounds promising.
-But I have never actually done it.
-Mmm-hmm.
Because when I met my ex-wife,
my antlers hadn't even grown in yet.
-Okay! So maybe we do it together.
-Really?
Yeah!
Let's go find a rival for you to wrestle.
So I can bang you!
Honestly, that sounds really romantic.
[Fawn] So that's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go to a field tonight
and find a moose for Zeke to fight.
[morosely] Yeah, that's nice.
I'll be staring at the ceiling,
listening to my dad pound my mom
until it gets light outside.
-What about you, Penelope?
-Ah, nothing much.
Definitely not gonna rub one out
and then go see that psychic.
And then, of course, eat two dinners.
Hey, Josh, I need to talk to you.
In… private.
What do you two freaks
need to talk about without us?
Um, guy stuff.
You know, war, sports, prostates.
-Yeah, no, thank you.
-Do we not have prostates?
Ray, we should be talking
about rectal health in public.
-Normalize it.
-We're not talking about rectal health!
I need to get your dad's boner magic.
What? I'm not gonna steal from my dad!
Get your own prescription.
I can't be seen needing horny goat weed.
I'm the sex guy! Creatures look up to me!
-Who looks up to you?
-You know, you! The community!
-The community doesn't--
-Look, Josh.
If you take away your dad's "magic,"
then he can't stick his wand
in your mom's bear pussy.
And then Joshy can sleep!
Exactly!
It takes him a second, but he gets there.
-Come on, let's go!
-Bear pussy?
I know.
I'm the best!
Okay, remember,
you do not need another candle.
You're here to see the psychic.
Young fox, I've been expecting you.
Whoa! You are psychic!
Now, as I draw
from my deck of Taro Root cards…
[Penelope] Cute!
I need you to focus on
what your heart desires most.
Uh, I feel like I should want
to reverse climate change?
Boo, boring. Also, too late.
Oh, bummer.
Okay, well…
[sighs] Maybe my heart desires love?
A little cliché, but we'll go with "love."
Interesting.
What? What do you see?
A prairie, maple leaves…
-Something called curling?
-[gasps]
What happened in Canada?
Canada?
-[barking]
-[unsettling music playing]
How did you know I was from Canada?
The cards!
And also the way you say your o's.
I'm sorry. This was a bad idea.
But, wait, where are you going?
You need to stop running!
I don't know what you're talking aboot.
I'm not running.
I'm just leaving
because you are a con artist
and nothing happened in Canada!
Okay, something definitely
happened in Canada.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
I bet she had an abortion.
They're free there, you know.
Mom, Dad!
Ellen, Robbie?
Okay, coast is clear.
Now, how are we supposed
to find my dad's stash?
Oh, buddy, relax. I'm a raccoon.
Rummaging is in my blood.
-[muttering] Num, num, num…
-I hate it when you do that.
[muttering continues]
-Shiny!
-Ray, focus.
-It's just so shiny.
-Ray! I know, it's shiny, okay.
-[Ellen] Oh, Robert.
-Oh, fungus! They're home!
Whoa!
[Robert] Looks like our adult son
is still out playing
with his little forest friends.
[Ellen] Should we, um…
-[Robert] Rumble and tumble?
-[laughs suggestively]
[Ellen] Oh, you're such a naughty bear!
[laughing] Just give me a sec
to freshen up, okay?
[Robert] You take your time, honey.
Just gonna put my coat away
over here in the closet.
-[Josh gasps]
-[Robert] There we go.
Oh, no! Not Meemaw's ashes!
She was such a great lady.
And now she's a great hiding place.
[Robert] Now, where were we?
[Ellen] I think we were about to do
a little more human role play.
-Oh, no.
-Got it!
[Robert] I'm a human man.
Do you know what the Wi-Fi password is?
-[Ellen] It's big A, little A…
-We need to get out of here.
[Ellen] …eight, dollar sign…
-[Robert] I'm gonna send an email.
-No! Oh, please don't.
-Yeah, I'm gonna send it. "Dear Internet…"
-Please don't! Don't send the email!
[Robert] "I'm getting a blowjob
from the mother of my son!"
Who is he emailing?
I don't know, but maybe we should
both take a pill while we watch.
Okay.
Babe, what exactly am I looking at here?
Well, that tall bull moose
has been rutting for that female
since high school.
-Oh!
-But the bull with the tight, curly perm--
-Perms are back?
-Oh yeah.
Anyway, moose perm likes her too,
so now they're fighting over her.
[laughs] Holy shit,
am I a motherfucking princess or what?
All right, so let's do this!
What about him?
[roaring]
What? Are you kidding? No.
No, he will kill me.
Oh my God. Wait, what if I lose?
I don't like that guy for you, Fawn.
Zeke, baby, don't worry!
Whatever happens, I'm going home with you.
-Right. No, duh. Of course. Yes.
-What about him? Better, right?
Yeah. Okay, yeah.
Yeah, he's fit, but he's not too fit.
-I think I could take him.
-Yes!
-And he has kind eyes. I like that.
-I'm on it.
[sighs] This is crazy. This is crazy.
-Hey. Hi. I'm Fawn.
-Carlos, what's up?
Okay, so this might seem
a little awkward, but my friend and I…
Hello!
We really dig your vibe
and wonder if you could--
Let me guess. You want me
to wrestle him so you two can get it on.
Yeah! Wow, this really is a thing, huh?
Yeah. It's our culture.
Zeke, honey, this is Carlos.
He's gonna fight you.
Thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
-[sensual music playing]
-[both moaning]
[sensual music continues]
[chuckling]
-Ah! Ray!
-Yeah.
You stud.
-Ooh.
-[both laughing]
Well, they say I'm a wonderful lover.
-Who's they?
-Josh, the community.
Okay, enough chit-chat. Let's go again.
We're going all night, baby.
Let me just go take a quick pee.
You know, prostate health
is very important.
Oh, you're doing great, buddy.
Everybody's talking about it.
Just gotta give you your special vitamin,
make you a big boy.
Although, if I was a stud on one pill,
what would happen if I took all the pills?
Ooh! I'd be a freakin' sex god!
-[laughing maniacally]
-[sinister music playing]
What even is a berry?
Is it a fruit or like a soft nut?
-[Celeste echoing] Young fox.
-Ahh! Floating head!
That's not the question
you should be asking yourself.
The question you should be asking is,
"What happened in Canada?"
[voice echoing] Canada, Canada, Canada…
-[dogs barking]
-[ominous music playing]
[sniffing] Mmm! Oh, yeah.
That's the good stuff, eh?
Pa says we're not allowed
to eat these berries.
Why are you calling him "Pa"?
I was trying to be folksy.
Suit yourself, Bethany.
But they're berry, berry good!
Uh…
-Ruh-roh.
-Dude, what's wrong?
[snarling]
-[nervously] Hey, new friends! What it be?
-Uh, Penelope?
Run, Bethany! Run!
[barking loudly]
[barking continues]
I'll distract them!
Hey, over here!
Look at this ass! It's delicious!
[Penelope] Ahh!
[growling]
Ahh!
[softly] Nothing happened in Canada.
-[thunder rumbling]
-Oh, honey bear.
Don't let that mean little storm
keep you up tonight.
Yeah, I have a feeling
I'm gonna sleep pretty well.
-Ellen, bed.
-[giggling] Oh!
Someone can't wait to get to sleep.
Good night, sweetie.
Good night, Mom. And you too, Papa.
-[grunts]
-Robert, I have some bad news.
Oh, yeah?
I've been a naughty bear.
Did you eat those boy scouts?
[coyly] Maybe I did,
but I'm still so hungry.
Yeah. Just give me one second
and I'll feed you.
Mmm! I can't wait!
I'm so hungy, hungy, hungy!
-[objects rustling]
-[laughing] Looking for pills.
-Digging through Meemaw's ashes.
-[Robert] What the hell?
Oh, no! Did somebody steal
your boner pills, you stupid old bitch?
-[Robert] I'm gonna kill him!
-Oh shit! Him is me!
-[loud stomping]
-[roaring]
-Hi. Zeke.
-Yo. Carlos.
You, uh, so you swim?
Not as much as I like,
but I ford a river whenever I can.
Cool, cool! Yeah, no, I, um…
You look like you swim.
Okay, gentlemoose.
I want a nice, clean fight
so Zeke and I can go back to my place
and finally do the deed.
-Andiamo!
-[smacks ass]
-Oh!
-Seems like a real firecracker.
-She is so great.
-Shall we?
Oh, yes, let's.
-[both grunting]
-[thrilling dance music playing]
[Fawn] Whoo!
Come on, Zeke! Fight for me!
[grunting] I've never done this before.
Horns grew in late.
-[grunting] Well, you're doing great.
-Thank you so much.
Wow, this is really hot.
Must dominate.
Must prove worth!
-[yelling]
-[thrilling music climaxing]
Whoa! Okay, you got me! I submit.
Babe, you did it!
I did it? I did it!
Yeah, you won!
-You were amazing! And your body!
-I was going at it!
-Suddenly, it just hit me.
-Now, we can finally be together!
-I'm gay!
-I'm sorry?
Fawn, I'm…
I'm gay.
You're gay?
Oh my God, me too!
-[both moaning]
-[bedposts thumping]
-Yes, yes, yes! Don't stop, Ray!
-[Ray grunting]
-[Ray] Can't stop. Won't stop. I am a--
-Don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop!
-[groaning]
-[thunder rumbling]
Ray? Ray!
-Ray? Ray?
-[disembodied voice] Ray? Ray.
-[McKayleigh] Ray?
-[voice] Ray.
-Ahh! Floating head!
-[bleating]
Oh God, was…
Was that bullshit psychic right?
Am I dead?
No, Ray. You are alive.
Who are you?
I am Bön…
[voice booming] The God
of All That is Horny!
Cool!
[thunder rumbling]
-Celeste! Celeste!
-Young fox, I knew you'd be back.
Wow, it is astounding how good you are.
-I see all. It is my gift and my curse.
-Yeah.
-But mostly my gift.
-Okay.
But also my curse.
-I can imagine.
-But then again, also my gift.
Yeah, well, look,
you were right about Canada.
I need your help.
-I already knew that!
-Ah, of course, your gift.
But also my curse.
As we call the spirits to us,
show us what the future brings.
Yeah, come on, spirits.
I am seeing something.
-Oh, no!
-What? What?
-A great danger approaches!
-[gasps] Great danger?
-From above?
-[hawk screeching]
-[Celeste] Ahh!
-Oh my God! You're so good!
But what am I supposed to do now?
I don't know! See a therapist!
Oh, I don't wanna.
-You freeloading bastard, where are they?
-What? I…
-I have no idea what you're talking about.
-I know you stole my horny goat weed!
I don't even know what that is.
Is that for like OMSD?
What the hell is OMSD?
I think it stands for, um,
"old man soft dick"?
-I'm gonna kill you!
-[screaming]
Robert, don't you talk
to our little angel like that!
-He's not an angel! He's a thief!
-What did he steal?
He stole… Well, that's not important.
Dad takes secret boner pills!
[roaring]
-Well, I knew that.
-[gasps]
-[both] You did?
-[laughs] Of course I did!
Every time we have sex, you rummage
around in your mother's ashes.
Oh, fungus! This is humiliating.
Oh, don't be silly.
Look, as a female of a certain age,
my own bear parts
don't work like they used to.
-Oh no, which parts?
-So you know what?
-Now I use snail mucus down there.
-No, no, no, no, no…
Does my snail mucus make me
any less attractive to you, Robbie?
What? No way, baby.
You're my apex!
Oh, we're all just getting older.
You need your goat weed, and I need
my long-lasting vaginal moisturizer.
-It's a living!
-Oh God! Wait, who is that?
-I'm Sammy.
-Don't talk to me.
And you, mister, need to grow up.
-What?
-This is our cave, young male.
And I might be your mother,
but I am also your father's slam piece.
-Ugh.
-Oh, Ellen, baby…
The way you just yelled at our adult son,
I don't think I need goat weed tonight.
-I'm just plain old horny now.
-All right!
[laughs] But I'm still
gonna need my snail mucus.
-You're up, Sammy.
-Back to the salt mines!
-Ah!
-Ugh.
[Ellen giggles]
-Hey, Joshy, thanks.
-For what?
-The natural hard-on.
-Oh! Gross!
[bleating]
In the beginning,
the light banged the dark.
Whoa! I didn't know
there was gonna be visual jazz.
Everyone was satisfied.
[voice echoing] It was carnal utopia…
Now, that's my kind of utopia.
But after billions of years,
that spark was,
hmm, not what it could be.
Aw, droopy wieners.
But then Bön created the weed.
And the weed restored vitality.
-Nice!
-Which restored confidence.
-Okay!
-Which, in turn, restored vitality.
Hey, you don't need
to sell me on the goat weed, Bön.
I am a customer for life.
But you, Ray, you do not need the weed.
I… I don't?
For you are more than just sex.
-I am?
-You contain multitudes.
Oh, wow. Thank you, Bön.
Now you should get out of here
because you are about
to be dumped in a river.
What? Ahh!
Oh whoa.
I really am getting dumped in a river.
[shrieks] Holy shit, Ray!
-I thought you were dead!
-I thought so too.
But I think I just had one of those,
like, near-death experiences.
-Oh yeah, I had one of those once.
-Yeah?
But there was just,
like, eternal darkness.
-[laughs] I felt nothing.
-Well, that's revealing, McKayleigh.
-Yep, that's me.
-Look, I… I love having sex with you.
But after the fifth or sixth time,
I'm done.
-Oh, really?
-Yeah.
Well, the thing is, I'm a bunny.
I need it, like, all the time.
It's a… medical thing?
So I guess that means we're through?
Yeah, I guess it does.
You know what? That's okay!
Because I contain multitudes.
I'm a rascal, a small business owner,
a host for numerous parasites.
That's great, Ray.
And just to be absolutely clear,
you were gonna dump my body in the river
and not tell anyone, right?
Yeah! I was gonna stuff rocks
in your mouth so you'd sink to the bottom.
Yeah, so I'd sink to the bottom.
Sure, yeah. Solid plan.
-So, you're gay.
-Yeah.
And that's why you never made a move.
I… I think so.
And why you treated me like an equal.
-Is that a gay thing?
-It's not a straight thing!
Oh! Are you two gonna--
Oh, I don't know.
-Uh-huh! You know it.
-Oh.
Then I guess I'm happy for you, but…
I'm bummed for me.
We got along so well!
I know! I know.
But maybe we can still be friends?
I've never been friends with an ex.
-Girl, are we really exes? [laughs]
-[laughing] Okay, you got bitchy fast!
Fawn, my dear deer.
Will you be my stag hag?
[sighs] Oh, Zeke.
Yas, queen.
-A thousand times, yas.
-[chuckles]
-Not sure anyone really says that anymore.
-No, they do.
-But, uh, thank you, Fawn.
-For what?
For helping me be me.
And me gay.
-[friends] Oh, gay moose!
-That's right, gay moose.
-Congrats, brother.
-You know, you seem gay.
In retrospect, I really shoulda known
when you said you wanted to "bang me."
Hold on, how is a guy telling a girl
he wants to bang her gay?
I don't know, it just is.
It's the word "bang."
-It's a little showy.
-Also, when you asked him if he swam.
-Yeah. Yeah, that felt gay when I said it.
-Wait, guys, just quick sidebar.
Is liking crème fraîche gay?
-[Penelope] Obviously!
-[Zeke] So gay.
I don't know.
You want to suck my dick and find out?
-Ray!
-What? I contain multitudes, right?
-["I'm Coming Out" cover playing]
-I'm comin' out ♪
I want the world to know
Got to let it show ♪
I'm comin' ♪
I'm comin' out ♪
I want the world to know
Got to let it show ♪
I'm comin' out, yeah, I'm comin' ♪
I've got to show the world
All I want to be ♪
And all my abilities
There's so much more to me ♪
Somehow I've got to make them ♪
Just understand
I've got it well in hand ♪
And, oh, how I have planned ♪
I'm spreadin' love
There is no need to fear ♪
And I just feel so good
Every time I hear ♪
[song fading]