Ted Lasso (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

Whoo!
Fuck!
Siri, call Shithead.
Oh!
Good morning.
There is nothing in The Sun
about Ted and Keeley.
Nothing. Are you in your office?
Of course I am.
Then get up here now.
Bye, boys. Tell Mum I love her.
Knock, knock. Hey, boss,
I don't know about you,
but I had an absolute peach of a Sunday.
Here you go.
Yeah, finally saw Big Ben.
Boy, I thought I'd seen
the biggest clock there was.
When I was a kid, my folks took me
to the Allen-Bradley Clock
Tower up there in Milwaukee.
They ended up leaving
me there all by myself.
Yeah, three hours and 42 minutes.
You know how I know that?
You were staring at a clock?
I was staring at a clock. That's
exactly right. Yeah, bingo.
That's a little bit of a mystery puzzle.
You figured it out right away.
You're a sharp cookie.
- Ted.
- Yeah.
Speaking as we were mere
moments ago, about time,
I unfortunately don't have any.
I have a branding meeting, so
Oh. I always feel so bad for the cows,
but you gotta do it
otherwise they get lost.
That was a branding joke.
If we were in Kansas right now,
I'd just be sitting here waiting
for you to finish laughing. Yeah.
I'll see ya tomorrow, okay?
- Okay. Counting the minutes.
- Yeah, there you are.
All right. Let's see what we got here.
I've got this fella up here, the goalie.
Then all these guys over here, okay?
And going over here,
going over that way.
This son of a gun's gonna
go all the way down here.
Crystal Palace kicked
our booties last week.
And this here, is our current
offense that we are running,
and I think it stinks!
Get rid of it.
Now, you might be wondering
why'd I draw all that
up there just to erase it.
And that is because I
believe in symbolic gestures.
- As do I.
- Whoa!
What time did you get home last night?
- Didn't.
- Really? Oh.
Nah.
Now, look, our whole offense
right now is all give-and-go.
Give the ball to Jamie and
everyone else can go to hell.
So, I am officially on the prowl
for any new ideas, you hear?
Oh.
- You got something, Nate?
- Uh, no.
Uh, so
No. No. God, no. Never mind, I'm sorry.
Come on now. You're one of us.
Let's go. Fire away. What do you got?
Okay, right. Well, it's just,
um No, other pocket.
It's just something that I thought of.
Um
Sorry. Jesus.
Not that one.
You know what, it's not even very good.
It's probably really bad.
It's embarrassing even.
- I just
- Sorry, Nate.
I have a real tricky time hearing folks
that don't believe in themselves.
I'm gonna ask you real quick again.
- Do you think this idea will work?
- Yeah, I do.
Whoa!
- Why you screaming at us, Nate?
- Oh, God!
We're right here.
All right, come on now.
Walk us through it.
Okay. So, I thought if we
started the attack on the wing,
Jamie could run through nearside,
then when the defense follows,
Sam could fill his spot.
So, use Jamie as a decoy?
No.
No. Well, yeah, in
Yeah, in this case, yes.
Let's give it a shot.
What, you're gonna use my play?
Yeah. I mean, we're gonna
try it on, see if it fits.
You know, it might not.
Then again, it might be a
very flattering silhouette,
and I might wear it
right outta the store.
Makes me feel good and I start to strut.
I'm like, "Ooh, I like this. I
like the way this makes me feel".
Show him your strut, Coach.
Yeah, there you go. Oh, yeah.
Yep, that's how to strut.
Let me see you strut, Nate. Come on.
There you go, Nate. Yeah,
that's one way to do it.
There you go.
You look a little angry,
but that's all right.
That's my fault. I forgot
the pitch is right this way.
Come on, let's go. Strut
this way. Here we go.
Still strutting.
- I'll see you later. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ted! Hey, um, have you got a minute?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
No, it's fine, yeah.
- It's not fine. Everything's shit.
- Oh, no.
This was gonna be the
front page of The Sun today.
"Manager Shags Star
Player's Girlfriend".
I think a more accurate
headline would be,
"Manager Innocently Feeds Young Woman
Whose Relationship Does Not Define Her".
Ted, this is really bad!
Except I look insanely
fit in this picture.
Yeah, no, it's beautiful light.
My friend who works at the paper said
he can hold this story for one day
- as a favor.
- Mm-hmm.
When this shit hits, Jamie
is going to go mental.
There's going to be
photographers all over us.
Right, right.
The next picture of me
will not be this perfect.
I am gonna be mid-sneeze face, like
- Guess what the headline will be.
- Gesundheit?
"Jamie's Tart Breaks Tartt's Heart".
- Did you just come up with that?
- Yeah.
- Everyone would read that.
- Of course they would.
You have no idea the power of
rhyming in this goddamn country.
Yeah.
Oh, "Lasso Makes Passo
and Creates Team Fiasco".
Whoa. Keeley's got bars.
Yeah, I'm cute as a button
and I can rhyme my ass off.
God, it's no wonder
they want to destroy me.
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, it took me so
long to get up the stairs.
I was stopped to talk
by about a hundred people.
Still nothing.
Get someone to run the
story about Ted and Keeley.
- Hey, boss.
- Ted! And Keeley. Hello.
Hey, I found that in the hall. Yeah.
So, we got ourselves a situation here.
Go ahead, show her the picture, yeah.
See? And the fucking Sun
is running it tomorrow.
Honestly, these people,
they just have no regard for
people's privacy and dignity.
Yeah, I'm gonna find the
piece of shit that took this
and who hired them.
No, no. Not necessary.
I know the owner of the paper.
I can get this stopped
with a phone call.
Really? Oh, my God. Thank you.
See, what I tell ya, huh?
This woman right here is strong,
confident and powerful.
Boss, I tell ya, I'd hate to see you
and Michelle Obama arm wrestle,
but I wouldn't be able to
take my eyes off it either.
Oh. That's not a compliment
I've had before.
- You do have perfect action figure-y arms.
- Yeah.
There's another one.
Anyway, glad to help.
- All right. Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- See y'all later.
There's no way she can trace
that photo back to me, can she?
- Yes.
- What do you mean "yes"?
Did you not use an
alias or a burner phone?
I'm not a spy, Rebecca.
I'm just the director
of football operations.
And equally proficient at both.
Well, thank you. Wait
Okay, here we go. Sam
lays it for Dickson.
Okay, nice touch.
Switch to Bumbercatch.
Jamie decoys through.
- Sam wide open.
- There it is!
Whoo!
Nice play, Nate. How you feel?
I just don't know. So
many new feelings. Yeah.
Kinda like getting
your first pube, right?
- Yeah. What?
- Here we go.
All right. Hey. Nice work.
Okay, now, gentlemen,
here's the other thing we're
gonna start focusing on.
Making quicker transitions
from offense to defense.
Y'all gotta start making your
hellos goodbyes. You understand?
Easiest way to get that
done well is to do it well.
But aside from that, you
gotta be in great shape, right?
So, we are all gonna run
two laps around this field.
Anyone who loses to me has
to run four more. Let's go!
- Okay, come on. What you got?
- What's going on?
You're catching up.
Don't cut that corner!
Come on. You can't catch me,
I'm the gingerbread man.
Faster, boys!
- Look at his face.
- Colin, Isaac, please stop.
Yeah, it really hurts
now. It really hurts.
Be careful, Colin, now.
That's our new coach.
- Oh, right, boyo.
- Yeah.
Sorry, gaffer.
Thank you.
Whoo!
Okay, way to run out
there today, fellas.
You guys are much faster than me.
Except Coach Beard.
What's going on? I thought you ran
track in high school or something.
- Chess team, Coach.
- Mm-hmm.
Illinois State Champs, baby.
Okay, yeah. Illinois is a state, fellas.
Uh, one last thing, there are
some gifts up in y'all's lockers.
In your little cubbies up there.
So, hope you enjoy 'em.
It's a fucking book.
Nice one, bitch boy.
- Hey.
- Yeah, I just thought you should know
that your boy Nathan's being
harassed every single day
by Jamie and his little side-pricks.
- Right.
- So you know already?
Yep.
So, you'll take care of it?
No.
What the fuck?
Roy, I learned two pretty big lessons
on the rough-and-tumble playgrounds
of Brookridge Elementary School.
One, if little Ronnie Fowch
offers you a candy bar,
you immediately say no, and
you get the hell outta there.
'Cause there's a good chance
that little son of a gun has just pooped
inside of a Butterfinger wrapper.
No one ever saw him do it,
but a couple people ate it.
Number two, if the teacher tells
the bully not to pick on someone,
it's just gonna make it worse.
So, you're not gonna do anything?
No.
Why you winding him up?
He's the one, Coach.
If we're gonna make an impact here,
the first domino that needs to fall
is right inside that man's heart.
Yes.
- Jamie, can I ask you something?
- It's 40 kilos.
I do three sets of ten.
And then I alternate between
bis and tris.
I don't give a shit what you
lift, you little pretty boy.
Yeah, you do, 'cause you asked.
Can you curl 40 kilos?
No, but I can use your
balls as a speed bag.
- Do you wanna try that?
- Not especially.
Do you even understand the
influence you have on this team?
- I'm the shit, yeah.
- No, you're a bellend.
But because your right
foot was kissed by God
the boys look up to you.
It's made me question my own faith.
So, when they pick on Nate
and you laugh
Yeah.
they think it's okay.
Right, 'cause Nate's a weak baby
and he can't do anything about it.
Yeah, all right. I'll take
care of it. Nate's a good lad.
Good.
Hey, Roy. You comin'
to the club tonight?
Hold on, will you be there?
- Of course, bruv.
- Then fuck no.
Colin, Isaac, come here.
You know how you two are
always messing with Nate?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Keep it up. Makes me laugh.
- Good morning, Higgins.
- Oh, good morning. I was just
Waiting at the entrance so
I'd see you were here on time.
Exactly. You seem in good spirits.
Yes, I am. I've just realized something.
Who cares if we can't run that picture?
The bigger issue is
that the local community
is getting behind the team
no matter how badly they play.
Mm.
It is an outstanding fan base.
Yes, one I believe I can put an end to.
Hooray.
No.
Okay. I'll go back there.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
So, I spoke to the owner of The Sun.
You spoke to God?
- No, the newspaper.
- Oh, right.
And he has agreed to not run
the photo of you and Keeley.
MVP! MVP! MVP!
- Left leg! Whoo! Right leg, not as good!
- Okay.
- Yeah!
- Yes. Okay, thank you, Ted.
Sorry. Yeah, no. You
were saying. Go ahead.
In exchange,
I've agreed for his more reputable
newspaper, The Independent,
to do a profile on you.
"One-on-One with Coach Lasso".
Yeah, okay.
- The writer will be Trent Crimm.
- Hmm.
And he's very good, and the
supporters really listen to him.
Oh, no. I know Trent,
yeah. He's a tough cookie.
- Really?
- Yeah, but that's okay.
You know what you do with
tough cookies, don't ya?
- No.
- Dip 'em in milk.
All right, let's run that new one.
Hey, there he is.
Hello, Coach Ted Lasso from America.
Hello, Trent Crimm from The Independent.
Hey, excited to spend the
day with ya. Gonna be fun.
And please, call me Ted.
All right, let's go!
Wide open.
- Yeah!
- Ooh! Snuck it by him.
Thataway, Sammy. How'd that feel?
Oh, wonderful, Coach. I
felt that one in my penis.
Yeah. No, that sounds about
right. That's good. Yeah.
Hey, Jamie, you gotta sell
that run-through hard, baby.
Make the defense believe
you. Watch, like this.
Ball! Ball! Give me the ball!
I want the ball! Give me the ball!
I would like the ball, please!
Make it a performance.
I want you winning an Oscar
at the ESPYs next year.
You want me to run decoy?
Yeah, that's right.
It's a joke.
Unfortunately for you, though,
no one thinks it's funny.
That true?
Um, agree to disagree.
I find it hilarious.
I thought it was funnier
than Step Brothers.
Ooh. High praise.
That scene where the
bunk bed collapses
I used to think that was the
funniest thing I'd ever seen,
but then I just saw that.
And now I'm gonna have to rethink
my order of what I think is
the funniest thing I've ever seen.
Yeah, that's when sports and art
combine, as far as I'm concerned.
All right, fellas, let's
run it again. Let's go.
Cheers.
Yeah, they're getting
it. They're getting it.
Interesting play, Ted.
Did you come up with this?
Oh, no, no, no.
This is all cooked up by
our very own Nate the Great.
Who's "Nate the Great"?
Oh, yeah. There he is.
Someone's been walking their
dog here. Found another poo.
Okay.
What exactly does "Nate the Great" do?
I'm not exactly sure what his title is.
Hey, Coach. What is
Nate's job around here?
- Kit man.
- There you go. Kit man.
Do you mean to tell me you're entrusting
a Premier League team's
attack to the kit man?
That young fellow's forgotten
more about this sport
than I'll ever know.
Heck, might be a genius.
Anything to add, Coach?
Good kid.
Boy, oh boy.
If you knew Coach Beard, you'd
know what a big deal that was.
You mean that, don't you? Whoa.
Well, hell. There's
your story right there.
Got a headline and everything.
"Man Nods Head".
Watch your back, Gay Talese.
There's a new iconic profile
about to be typed up by one Trent Crimm.
Tighten up those lines!
Let 'em know, Coach.
Come on.
Get a towel.
- Oh, God. No, no, no.
- Get a towel.
- Let go. Please, God. Stop it. No.
- Oi, oi!
What the fuck are you doing?
Jamie not talk to you
about leaving him alone?
Fuck's sake.
- You look like you've forgotten something.
- Hi, Keeley.
I'm looking for your prick boyfriend.
You know how to pick 'em, don't ya?
Um, didn't your last girlfriend
steal your Rolex and
sell it for drug money?
So? I don't need a phone and a watch.
Look, I didn't sign up to be
your boyfriend's minder, okay?
But the new gaffer's trying
to make me feel responsible
for fucking Nate, whose
last name I don't even know.
It's Barnes.
No. It's Shelley.
Yeah, I know.
I don't like being tricked.
Not by you and not by,
"Howdy y'all, cowboys.
My name is Ted Lasso
and I'm from Kansas".
Wow, you're, like, really,
really bad at impressions, man.
I know he's trying to push my buttons,
but I cannot be manipulated.
Come on. I could push all of your
buttons right now if I wanted to.
- No, you couldn't, Keeley
- I think, actually, I could.
- You couldn't, Keeley
- What was that?
- No, Keeley.
- I can't seem to hear you.
- Keeley, if you would listen to me
- I'm trying to listen to you.
- I could tell you why
- So tell me.
Is that making you mad?
No.
No.
"I'm Roy Kent and
I get paid to play a game,
but I'm mad all the time".
That's actually pretty good.
- Hey, Trent.
- Mm?
- You know who you remind me of right now?
- No. Who?
One of them robot vacuums.
Just kinda wandering
around looking for dirt.
- Roomba.
- That's the one.
- Actually, I have a question.
- Mm-hmm.
After your resounding
loss to Crystal Palace,
one of your players said there
was a party in the locker room.
Do you feel it sends the right
message having a party after a loss?
Well, Trent, I've never
really concerned myself
too much with wins and losses.
Now that's a quote I'll probably use.
You should get going.
Hey, will you let Roy know
we're heading out soon?
- Copy.
- Thanks, Coach.
You wanna tag along? We're gonna
go speak to some schoolkids.
Oh, what a coincidence.
The day of our interview
you just happen to be
visiting a local school.
Well, that's the funny thing
about coincidences, ain't it?
Sometimes they just happen.
Come on now.
Come in.
I just wanted to come
and thank you again
for stopping that picture from running.
And I bought you a present.
Made me think of you.
It's strong and a bit prickly.
You know, I've decided to
not be scared of you anymore.
I didn't know you were.
Oh, yeah. I was, like,
fucking terrified of you.
My God, Jamie would
have been so pissed off
with reporters poking around
in our love life.
I don't know why I'm telling you.
You know all about that, don't you?
Remember when you got divorced?
It rings a bell.
Yeah, I mean, didn't it,
like, make you really mad
that they went after you and not Rupert?
'Cause he was the one that cheated
and he came across like Prince Charming.
It really pissed me off.
Well, the press are never awful to men.
No one ever pays a fortune for a photo
of a naked man on a yacht in Mallorca
a week after his divorce.
Whoa. That's like a
very specific scenario.
Oh, my God. That means there's a
picture of you naked on a yacht.
Can I see it? Is it here?
Come on. You wouldn't
have said something
if you weren't dying to show someone.
Please.
It was taken from a helicopter
while I was sunbathing.
Holy shit, Rebecca.
Are those your real tits?
I feel like a teenage boy.
I can't stop staring at them.
Where did you get those?
My mum.
I can't believe you
stopped this from running.
I would have shown everyone.
Right. I-I really need to get on.
Oh, sorry. Yeah.
Thank you.
Bye.
Shoes.
Shoes. Yes.
Wow, you really blew my brains out
with those beautiful
breasts of yours, Rebecca.
When I first saw our
school football squad,
I didn't think that Richmond
Primary would win a single game,
much less the league championship.
To celebrate, please welcome
the new manager of AFC Richmond,
Ed Lasso.
Thank you. I appreciate you.
All right. Hey, gang. How y'all doing?
- Wanker.
- Jacob.
It's all right.
Uh, look, I just wanted to come down
and congratulate y'all
on a heck of a season.
But hey, I know someone else
who's really excited to meet all of ya.
So if you please help me welcome
the captain of your AFC
Richmond squad, Roy Kent.
Roy! Roy! Roy! Roy!
Right.
Never been much for public
speaking or school, really.
Always seemed like a
waste of time to me.
Why don't we get out of
this stuffy auditorium,
go out on the pitch and
have a proper fuck-about?
I think it's really cool you do this.
Only doing it 'cause my
fucking niece goes here.
- Oh, yeah? Which one is she?
- That idiot.
Oh, boy, here she comes.
Can we do headers, Uncle Roy?
Yeah, all right. Come on then.
All right. Come on, you lot. Line up.
Heads. Lovely.
Next. Go. Perfect.
Next. Heads.
Next.
Well done. Next.
Ooh, ooh!
Next. Sweet.
Lovely. I liked it.
- Good.
- Roy, come on.
You hop in there, show 'em how
it's done. I'll do a couple.
How you doing? Ready? Come on.
Ooh, that's the spot. Come on.
Here we go, Phoebe.
Let's see what you got.
Hey, nice catch. We might
have ourselves a goalie.
Boy, oh boy. That
was right in the button.
Aah.
Good job, Phoebe.
Oh! Oh boy.
Sorry about the blood there.
There you go.
Don't use it to clone me.
Nice meeting you. Take care now.
That's the longest anyone's ever
stayed for something like this.
- Hey, thanks for having us.
- Cheers.
Thanks again.
Roy, that was a blast.
And I tell you what, that niece
of yours is a real cutie patootie.
Enough. I've had it with your
mind games and your stupid gifts.
I mean, what even is A Wrinkle in Time?
It's a lovely novel.
It's the story of
a young girl's struggle
with the burden of leadership
as she journeys through space.
Yeah. That's it.
Am I supposed to be the little girl?
I'd like you to be.
Right. None of this matters.
'Cause I'm just doing what
everyone in this town is doing,
and I'm counting down
the days until you're gone.
Trent, you're a colossal prick.
You always have been.
Phoebe, come on.
- Are you hungry?
- Hmm.
Little tradition.
Let battle commence.
Ted Lasso?
- Hey there, Ollie.
- Leave it out. What are you doing here?
Well, I mean, you invited me, remember?
I invite every person
who's been in my car.
Oh. Hey, Ollie. This is my friend Trent.
- Trent, this is my buddy Ollie.
- Pleased to meet you.
Congrats. You both
just met a cool person.
Right, gentlemen. You know
what you're having?
Yeah. Well, you know,
whatever the chef recommends.
Uh, that would be my father-in-law.
Are you okay with a little bit of spice?
Have him make it for us like we're
a couple members of the family.
You're a brave man.
Oh, man. Mad respect.
That might not be the wisest of choices.
Here you go, boys.
- Dig in.
- Can't wait.
The smell's already
deep inside my brain.
- Gonna love it.
- I appreciate it.
I can't imagine they have
good Indian food in Kansas.
Oh, I have no idea. I've
never had Indian food.
- Whoo!
- Ooh.
Wow, that I mean, that's hot.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Feel
like I'm about to breathe fire.
I don't think I can eat that.
What? No, no, no. Come on now. We
gotta put a decent dent in this,
otherwise we're gonna embarrass
Ollie in front of his family.
- No, really, I can't.
- Come on, just dump it on my plate.
Yeah, yeah. You're good.
So, if you love Kansas
so much, why did you
Why did you leave to coach
a sport you can barely
you know anything about?
Was it just the money?
Wait, I'm supposed to be getting paid?
Are you enjoying the food?
Tell your father-in-law it's perfect.
Ha! Dad! He says it's perfect!
- Ted.
- Mm-hmm?
What you're doing is irresponsible.
This club actually means
something to this town.
I know that.
I do.
Trent, what do you love?
Is it writing?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Well, good, 'cause
you're darn good at it.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Me? I love coaching.
Now, I'm gonna say this again
just so you didn't think it was a
mistake the first time I said it.
For me, success is not
about the wins and losses.
It's about helping these young fellas
be the best versions of themselves
on and off the field.
And it ain't always easy, Trent,
but neither is growing up
without someone believing in you.
Let me ask you this.
Is my tongue still in my mouth?
'Cause I am about to hallucinate
from all the heat here.
I really should go.
- Deadlines and all.
- Hey, gotta do the work.
Hey, I'll say this though.
I really enjoyed getting to
spend this time with you, Trent.
You actually mean that, don't you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
You all right?
Normally, one dish is plenty,
but we know how you
Americans like to eat, innit?
Let's do it, huh?
Try that one.
Whoo!
- Beautiful, right?
- It's beyond beautiful. It's hot.
"Mrs. Which's voice was grave.
'What do you understand?'
'That it has to be me.
Can't be anyone else.'"
Fuck!
That's a bad word, Uncle Roy.
Oh, mind your own business, Phoebe.
Be good.
- Yes?
- I have an advance copy of the article.
- Read it to me.
- Title: "Wayward Ted".
"Whatever you think of Ted
Lasso as a football coach,
I assure you, the truth
is harder to swallow".
- Hey, how you doing?
- Good. How's your nose, Coach?
- It's fine. Thank you for asking.
- "And swallow you must,
because Ted is out
there in the community
either bravely or
stupidly facing the music".
- Hey, fellas. How you doing?
- "That's for you to decide".
Piss off, wanker!
- Hi.
- Yeah.
- Stop it.
- Every time.
"And yes, he's in over his head.
He insisted twice that he didn't
care if Richmond won or lost.
But if the Lasso way is wrong,
it's hard to imagine being right".
Mm.
Why have you stopped reading?
Please do me the favor
of remembering that
these aren't my words, it's Trent Crimm.
Keep going.
- "In a business that celebrates ego,
- celebrates ego,
- Ted reins his in".
- Ted reins his in.
His coaching style is subtle.
It never hits you over the head.
Hello, Roy. I didn't know
it was a retirement party.
Shit!
Stop messing with Nate!
Now, I don't know which
one of you I nutted,
'cause I don't see so
well at night anymore,
but that goes for all of you!
Slowly growing until you can
no longer ignore its presence.
Vanilla vodka.
Such a child.
Keeley.
Roy.
Whether that means allowing
followers to become leaders
or in a show of respect,
eating food so spicy
it's sure to wreak massive
havoc on his intestinal system.
Keys, keys, keys.
Okay, here we go. Oh boy. Oh boy.
And though I believe
that Ted Lasso will fail here
and Richmond will suffer the
embarrassment of relegation,
I won't gloat when it happens.
Because I can't help but root for him.
Fuck!