Off Campus (2026) s01e04 Episode Script

Uh
Did you just say
you want me to give you a
Orgasm? Yeah, God, why is it so hard
for boys to say "orgasm"?
It's-It's not hard for me to say "orgasm".
I can say "orgasm".
Orgasm.
See?
Just-- are you still drunk?
Okay, yeah, uh, let's-- let's do this.
Uh
I'm gonna tell you something really heavy,
and you're gonna want to dwell on it,
but you shouldn't.
I'm just telling you the bad stuff
so that you can understand my request.
Okay?
It's just a means to an end.
Okay?
A means to an end.
Got it.
I was raped.
Wow, okay, there's really no way to make
that seem less heavy than it is.
Uh, it happened in high school.
I was drugged at a party.
That's why I don't like
drinking in public.
-Oh, shit.
-No, no! See?
What you're doing right now is dwelling.
And I need you to just breeze
past this part, okay?
Focus up, Graham. Are you breezing?
-Uh, yeah, I'm breezing, I'm breezing.
-Okay.
I'm fine. Really, I'm okay.
I had a lovely therapist.
Her name was Carol.
She had these mismatched mugs
and a really extensive tea collection.
She helped me understand
that the rape doesn't define me.
Even though I firmly put this behind me,
I still can't seem to
you know, orgasm with a guy.
I mean, on my own, sure, fine, fireworks.
But, yeah, not-- not with someone else.
And things are going
really well with Justin.
He texted me saying that his roommates
will be gone later,
and we all know what that means.
I-I-I'm just really nervous
about hooking up with him.
I want to be ready, so I was thinking
if I can finish with someone,
you know, lower stakes first.
Lower stakes?
A friend. That I'd feel
more prepared for Justin.
So
Yeah, wh-what do you think?
Wow, okay, yeah, that was a lot. Sorry.
Um, I'm kind of out of practice
telling people about this.
No one at Briar knows.
Not even Allie?
Just you.
Wow.
Yeah.
Look.
I promise that I have worked so hard
to move past this.
Okay? I'm not fragile.
I don't need your pity.
I don't need you to be my therapist.
I just need you to do
this one last thing for me.
Okay, a thing you have done
for many, many,
many, many women.
-Yeah, it's just
-A means to an end.
Exactly.
Okay.
I'll do it.
Really?
-You will?
-Of course.
You're my friend and you need me.
-Did you mean now?
-No, no!
Not now. I have class.
[laughs]
Um
Uh, later?
Tonight?
Tonight it is.
[chuckles]
[upbeat rock music playing]
I don't understand.
Sweet, sweet Tuck.
Can I just be the first to say
how thrilled we are
that you decided to pledge Sig Tau?
We welcome you to our brotherhood,
sweet Tuck.
-Okay.
-And as your future big,
it is my pleasure nay, my honor,
to haze you.
And all I ask is that you take care
of that one little grape.
Until I ask you to stop.
-That's it?
-That's it, bud.
It's so simple.
[Tucker] Yeah, I can do that.
Guys, I gotta be honest.
I was a little worried you were gonna make
me streak across campus or frost my tips.
[both] No!
Hey, I'm gonna be your big brother.
Would your brother
do something like that to you?
-I guess not, man.
-Yeah, okay.
Yeah. Well, uh, thanks, y'all.
-This is gonna be really good.
-Well, just one last thing.
Should anything happen to your fruit baby,
it will be replaced
by a slightly larger piece of fruit.
Wait, what do you mean by that?
-Yup.
-Mm, it's a good one.
Good luck, sweet Tuck.
This is the part where you run.
[Tucker] Okay.
Come on.
[Justin, on recording]
♪Yellow, yellow haze ♪
♪Yellow, yellow♪
Intrigue.
This is much stronger
than what you brought to class.
But I'm concerned
I'm not really hearing you in this.
Well, they're Justin's words,
but I'm gonna arrange the crap out of it.
I'm thinking strings, like a shifting
chromatic alteration verse to verse.
I'm gonna just jump back in here before
this conversation gets away from me.
Uh, let's try
Do you have a favorite song,
something you love to listen to
when you're sad or bored?
Ah, see?
What you just did.
Your whole body relaxed.
Now, were you thinking
of specific chord progressions?
No, I was thinking about listening
to Paramore at my middle school bus stop.
Made me feel so complicated and punk rock.
Exactly. How it made you feel.
You see, people think
that pop music is shallow,
but it lives deep inside us.
It creates memories.
It etches them into our bones.
If you do it right, it lets us feel what
you were feeling when you're writing it.
That's what the judges want.
You gotta let us in.
Wow. That was really good advice.
I know. I should be a teacher.
[Hannah laughs]
And I knew it was a dream
because my childhood dog Rosie was there.
But--But she was like
dark brown instead of tan.
I think we should break up.
[scoffs] Okay.
Wait, sorry, what?
"Okay"?
I just ended a two-year relationship.
I mean, maybe you did.
Also, maybe not.
No, I definitely did because I was there
and it was three seconds ago.
-How many times are you gonna do this?
-Do what? What are you talking about?
Your whole
"Allie's breakup in five acts" cycle.
You go through the same stages every time.
First, "Surprise Fight Allie",
which I can safely say we're in right now.
Then, "Eats Her Feelings Allie",
destroys three bags of hot Cheetos,
followed by "Raging Diva Allie".
Stop titling things like they happen.
These are not things that happen.
Then "Complete and Total Breakdown Allie"
has a
Well, that one's self-explanatory.
And the grand finale,
"Late Night Phone Call Allie",
where you beg me to take you back.
-That is not what I do!
-That is exactly what you do.
I know you better than anyone else
in the world, Al.
I know you're secretly scared of cats.
I know that you're out of ChapStick.
Speaking of which
I stopped by CVS on the way over.
And I know that you love me.
And I love you.
So, that is why I need to protect myself
by opting out of the next 36 hours.
No, our breakup is not
an extended warranty, Sean.
You can't just opt out.
Well, the alternative
is that I get angry or sad
or beg you not to make this mistake again.
But you will because you always do.
And I disappear into some sad hole
of video games and depression
and ultimately take you back because
I can't imagine my life without you.
It's not fair to me, Al.
Sean, I need you to hear me.
I'm sorry if I've hurt you before.
But this is it.
We're just going in different directions.
And I don't even know
what direction I'm going in,
but I'm going there by myself.
I'm not going to call you.
Okay. [scoffs]
And I'm not out of ChapStick!
Yes, you are.
See you in 36 hours.
[heavy rock song playing]
[Garrett groans]
Shit.
What's wrong, G?
Can't rock a measly 205 anymore?
No, yeah, I'm
Oh, thanks.
I'm fucking with you, Graham.
I know.
Right.
Okay, what's going on?
Look, Dean, you're, uh
You're kind of, well
[chuckles]
You've been with a good amount of women.
I always knew this day would come.
Well, Garrett, when a man and a woman
love each other very much--
-All right, fuck it. Forget it.
-Okay, hold up, hold up. I'm listening.
Is there something going on with Hannah?
No.
Uh
not Hannah, someone else.
She wants me to do this, uh
This thing.
Do all the things, bro.
Do them all.
It's just
It's kind of a big thing.
It's really important to her.
-She's, like, trusting me.
-G, is Hannah a virgin?
What? No.
Dude, don't
Don't-- Don't make this weird.
[chuckles]
This doesn't leave the weight room.
We're not having this conversation.
It's just that I really want it
to be good for her.
If it's her first time,
she might not come.
-Not an option. She has to come.
-Respect.
Well, there is one thing
that helps make a girl come.
The single, most effective,
highly recommended,
enjoyed-by-all tool at your disposal.
Trust.
That's it.
She's just got to feel completely safe.
Like, completely relaxed.
But consent is key.
And she can't consent
if she doesn't feel safe.
So you just-- you just gotta figure out
whatever makes this
specific girl who is not Hannah feel safe.
Yeah, I'm just
not sure I'm the kind of guy
she should be trusting with this.
Well, if she asked you,
she thinks you are.
Which is fucking hot.
Just don't skimp on the foreplay.
Yeah.
Talking five-play, six-play
-Yeah, got it.
-You know? Right?
-Thanks.
-Good talk, man. Great talk.
Sorry. I was, uh
-Justin. Hi.
-Hi. Yeah.
There's easier ways to get my attention.
Sorry, yeah, I was just on my phone.
I'm taking the piss, don't worry about it.
-[laughs] Yeah.
-Yeah.
My advisor really likes the song, mostly.
-Okay, yeah. Mostly?
-Yeah.
He has some notes, but it's getting there.
Cool.
You never replied to my text.
Do you want to come over later
and work on the song?
Uh
definitely yes.
But, uh, there's just one last thing
I need to iron out before we dive into it.
Rain check?
Rain check, yeah.
Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
-Cool.
-[both laugh]
Yeah.
Yeah, bye, I guess.
Bye. Bye.
[laughing]
♪You're scared of heights, that's vertigo♪
♪You wanted lights, go see a show♪
♪You ran away, that's touch and go♪
♪You're scared of love
well, aren't we all?♪
♪Well, aren't we all?♪
♪Well, aren't we all?♪
♪I know that you started to feel
what I feel♪
Hey.
Hey.
♪my hand by the wheel♪
♪But you couldn't dare to make it real♪
♪Oh, it's such a shame♪
-Is that dress?
-Allie's.
Yeah.
Um
We did say 7:00, right?
Yeah.
Uh, come on up.
♪You wanted lights, go see a show♪
♪You ran away, that's touch and go♪
♪You're scared of love
well, aren't we all?♪
♪Well, aren't we all?♪♪
Would you be, um,
more comfortable wearing
literally anything else?
Maybe. [chuckles]
Think fast.
[laughs]
Uh, you don't need to turn around.
You're about to see me naked.
Yeah, but not until you want me to.
Uh, all clear.
[chuckling] Are nightgowns my thing now?
Definitely.
Uh
so are we gonna
do it now?
Well, uh
I mean, as romantic as that is.
Um, here.
Why don't you pick a song to play?
Just to set the mood a little.
Set the mood?
Ew, that's awful. I can't believe those
words actually came out of your mouth.
[both laugh]
People say that.
Okay, let me see.
Wait, this is one of your
most played songs?
-Which one?
-Shh.
["Baby Now That I've Found You"
by the Foundations playing]
I'm setting the mood.
♪Baby, now that I've♪
You're actually proving my point.
-The mood is set.
-Is that right?
Please. This song is so sexy.
Makes me want to do a sexy little dance.
[laughing] What is happening?
The groove.
It's taking over.
Look.
You're feeling it too.
Oh.
♪Baby, even though you don't need me♪
Okay. [chuckles]
♪You don't need me♪
Oh yeah, that's terrible. I love it.
♪Baby, baby, since first we met♪
♪I knew in this heart of mine♪
♪I wanna tell you♪
♪The love we had could not be bad♪
♪Play it right and bide my time♪
[laughs]
♪Spent a lifetime looking for somebody♪
♪To give me love like you♪
♪Now you've told me
that you wanna leave me♪
♪Darling, I just can't let you♪
[romantic music with pulsing beat]
[panting softly]
[pulsing beat quickens]
[breathing heavily]
-[music stops]
-What's wrong?
Nothing, nothing.
I think we should stop.
I don't-- I don't want to stop.
I-I can do this.
No, you don't have to.
But I
I want to.
Okay?
Fuck.
[panting]
I'm sorry.
-Sorry.
-It's okay.
This-- This-- This is what happens.
I'm-- I'm in it. I-I'm having fun.
I feel good.
And then I just, like, zoom out.
Like, leave my body.
It's like I'm sitting there watching
myself from across the room going, like,
"What is wrong with you?"
Nothing.
Nothing is wrong with you.
What if, like
Like, what if I'm broken?
You're not broken, Wellsy.
You just don't trust me enough
to fully let go, and that's okay.
No, but I do trust you.
I wouldn't--
I wouldn't be here if I didn't.
But nothing is more vulnerable than sex.
So
if you're not there yet
that sounds completely normal.
Wow, that-- that was surprisingly deep.
I do have another idea.
I mean, if you're willing to hear it.
Yeah, okay, sure.
Instead of me giving you an orgasm
why don't you give yourself one?
Uh, that's not going to prove anything.
I do that all the time.
-Oh, do you?
-Yeah.
Okay.
Then
show me.
["Back In My Body"
by Maggie Rogers playing]
[sighs]
Show me.
And I'll show you.
["Back In My Body" continues]
[song intensifies]
[Hannah gasps]
[Garrett] Stay here.
[Hannah breathing heavily]
Stay with me.
[Hannah gasping]
[panting]
♪Oh, this time♪
♪This time, I know I'm fighting♪
♪This time, I know I'm back in my body♪
♪This time, I know I'm fighting♪
♪This time, I know I'm back in my body♪♪
[sighs]
[laughs] Oh, my God. I did it.
[breathing heavily]
Thanks.
No, no.
Thank you. That was
Thanks.
[both laugh]
[sighs]
So what now?
Drunk Shakespeare? Who's drunk?
-Like the actors or the audience?
-[Hannah] Everyone.
Last year's Hamlet got so drunk that he
made out with the ghost of his own father.
-Yikes.
-Yeah.
Okay, well, wish Allie luck for me.
[laughing] Yeah.
Jackpot.
Always count on Tucker
to make too much pasta salad.
Why does he always put
Brussels sprouts in it?
Yum.
-All right, give me.
-Yeah, you want one?
-This one's got a little bacon on it.
-All right.
[both laugh]
[humming "Baby Now That I've Found You"]
I told you that was a sexy song.
Got to say, I'm surprised
it's one of your most played.
Kind of doesn't fit in with your whole,
"I'm a cool hockey man
that listens to classic rock" image.
Hey, I'm a cool hockey man
that contains multitudes, so
[both laugh]
But actually, my mom used to play me
all kinds of music.
-Yeah, she sounds cool.
-Yeah, she was cool.
She had a huge record collection.
She used to let me pick one out to play
whenever my dad
got too
intense.
How do you feel
when you listen to that song?
Why do you ask?
Is it just something my advisor said.
Uh, I guess
I don't know, it makes me feel bold.
Bold?
Yeah, like to just say,
"I like you, deal with it."
-That's badass.
-Yeah, it is badass.
-You know, I was thinking
-[cell phone chimes]
Sorry.
Uh, where were we?
Uh, I actually probably should go.
-Oh, are-- are you sure?
-Yeah, yeah.
I have a lot to do for the showcase
and classes and
Yeah.
But thank you for your service.
It's much appreciated.
See you soon?
Yeah, okay.
I'll text you?
-So Garrett made you come.
-Yep.
-And you're not freaking out.
-No.
Uh, and you broke up with Sean.
-Yeah.
-And you're not freaking out.
-No.
-Because if you were freaking out,
I could break out
the emergency stash of hot Cheetos.
No, I can't let myself become
"Eats Her Feelings Allie".
'Cause if I do that
I'll just keep backsliding
through "Raging Diva Allie",
and then "Complete and Total
Breakdown Allie",
and then next thing you know,
I'll be "Insurance Queen
of Dorset, Vermont, Allie".
God help us all.
I promised myself.
This has to be the last time.
It has to stick.
I'm actually doing pretty well so far.
Like, I don't even really miss Sean.
I believe you.
Uh
even if you are wearing his sweatshirt.
This isn't his sweatshirt.
Um
Oh, my God!
I am a woman possessed!
Hannah, you got to help me.
I lied. I already ate the Cheetos.
-I licked the bag clean.
-[cell phone chimes]
Who is that? Is it Garrett? Is it Justin?
Please distract me with the sordid
details of the intricate web
that is your love life.
Uh, it's-- it's Justin.
So you're still into him?
Of course I am.
I worked out this whole orgasm problem
so that I could be with him, didn't I?
Yeah, but I don't know, I thought
you might be "dicknotized" by Garrett.
-You wouldn't be the first.
-Yeah.
Okay, I'll admit it.
The night was kind of perfect.
Garrett made me feel really safe
and a lot of really,
really good other things,
but that doesn't magically turn him
into someone else, you know?
No, you got to take him at face value.
Right, exactly.
[laughs] And the guy can't get
through a single conversation
without someone trying to sext him,
which is fine because I got the orgasm,
which is what I wanted.
It's just an arrangement between friends.
Yeah, and this won't make
your friendship weird at all?
We had a plan.
The plan worked.
There will be absolutely
no weirdness whatsoever.
It was so weird.
Yeah, well, girls don't usually love it
when other girls snap you during a hookup.
-[coach] Tucker, in.
-Logan, this is Bernardo.
Protect him with your life. Your life.
Why do you care
how the night ended anyway?
Because he didn't want it to end.
What? You guys have been
talking about this all practice
and the answer seems pretty obvious.
[coach] Logan, in.
Hey, does Logan
seem off to you guys today?
-What do you mean?
-I don't know.
Bunch of missed passes,
flubbed a goal, stuff like that.
What? No, not you.
Birdie, what do you mean? What's obvious?
You're into her, dude.
Fuck. I think you're right.
-He's all over the place.
-[all] Shut up, Joe.
-I should tell her.
-Yup.
Like today?
-Yep.
-[whistle blows]
-[coach] Birdie, in.
-[Garrett] Shit.
-She's going to Drunk Shakespeare later.
-Sounds like you're going.
-Hey, Joe, watch Bernardo.
-Who?
Who's going to Drunk Shakespeare?
-Hannah.
-Bernardo.
-Amazing, I'm there.
-[coach] Rogers, in.
Hold this for Birdie.
-So why are we going to Drunk Shakespeare?
-We are not going anywhere.
Birdie thinks I should tell Hannah
how I feel about her.
-How do you feel about her?
-[coach] Stuebs, in.
Finally.
Telling her is the right move, G.
We all fuck with Wellsy,
and I think she's good for you.
No! Bernardo! How?
Okay. We're going to Drunk Shakespeare.
[whistle blowing]
Okay, dramatic entrance.
Whatever.
Seriously, what's your damage, Heather?
Nothing, just a shitty practice.
Really?
-[sighs]
-That's it?
Yeah, that's it.
Mm.
Garrett, he was so busy talking about
Hannah that we missed a bunch of passes
and it just made me look bad.
Oh, I see what's happening.
This is about your dumb crush on Hannah.
What? That's
I I don't
[laughs] Convincing.
Don't bother. I saw the way
you were staring at her at karaoke.
This is so like you.
You want things you can't have.
-No, I don't.
-You need a fucking wake-up call.
Maybe Garrett can afford to get distracted
chasing a little crush, but you can't.
You don't have a guaranteed deal
with the Bruins.
Jules, I get it.
You've been passed over
twice in the draft.
Your chances of making it to the NHL
are slimmer than Timmy Chalamet.
And if you don't make it,
it's you and Mom at the garage.
Forever.
Is that what you want?
No, it's not what I fucking want.
I'm just saying, if you're going to chase
an impossible dream,
chase one that actually matters.
[indistinct chatter]
["Sex, Drugs & Existential Dread"
by Chloe Qisha playing]
♪Well come on inside♪
♪And we can watch the news
and get naked♪
This "mingle with the audience
before the show" shtick
is such hacky student director bullshit.
"Ooh, it's immersive.
We're breaking the aesthetic distance."
-Give me a fucking break.
-Hey, whoa, babe.
Maybe we've turned the corner
onto "Raging Diva Allie".
Maybe you've turned the corner
into Cuntsville.
[Hannah scoffs]
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that.
No, it's okay. It's your first show
at Briar without Sean.
Yeah, he just really used to help
calm me down, you know?
I'm kind of nervous.
Yeah, maybe it is making me
a little bit of a
Catherine! Don't touch a prop
that's not yours!
♪There's people everywhere you go♪
♪There's people in the bars♪
♪There's people on the motorways♪
♪Driving little people cars♪
♪There's people walking animals♪
-Hey.
-Hey. Hey.
[Hannah] You're here!
♪Kissing other people
what the hell is that for?♪
♪Ew♪
What-- What are you doing here?
I'm glad you're here, but
Well, Beau recruited me.
I have to steal this from Tucker.
Fuck! Oh my
Sorry.
Are you kidding me?
-Hey, Wellsy.
-Hey.
Jordan.
-Justin.
-Oh, right.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, sorry, man. My bad.
-It's all good, man.
-Beau and Dean drag you here?
Yeah, man. Well, you know Dean.
He's persuasive.
What about you, bro?
You a big Shakespeare guy or what?
Not really, but Hannah told me
she was coming, so here I am.
[laughs] Oh, she did?
She did.
Looks like the show's starting.
-Yeah.
-Do you wanna get a seat?
Couch is free.
-Yeah, yeah. We should probably sit.
-Yeah.
-See you around, man.
-Yeah, brother.
[soft, melancholic music playing]
-[inaudible dialogue]
-[applause]
Come on, bitches.
Let me hear you all scream
for our gay show.
A Midsummer Night's
Scream!
[all cheer]
Now, virgins oft find
Drunk Shakespeare scary.
If it's your first time,
I'll pop your cherry.
Now, there's only one rule,
my sweet, gentle twinks.
When an actor calls "line,"
everyone drinks.
-I like that.
-Okay, let's drink to that.
Yeah.
What? What?
[whispering]
No. I'm so sorry, everyone.
It seems that the actors that were going
to play our four young lovers
have all been struck
by a terrible affliction.
-True love?
-No.
Gonorrhea.
-[all] Oh!
-[laughter]
[snickers]
We'll be needing some brave volunteers
from the audience.
You.
-You go.
-Mm-mm.
Oh, would you look at this couple?
[cheering]
Give it up for our Hermia and Lysander!
[cheers and applause]
Whoo!
Bitch, I love this for you.
Okay, next I need a big,
strong man to play Demetrius.
Me, Garrett Graham.
I want to be in the show.
-What the hell? Shut the fuck up.
-What?
You can't tell her how you feel
sitting here on your ass, come on.
-Come here, pookie.
-That's okay.
-No, I'm all right.
-You're ours now.
Come on, G! Yeah!
All right, all right.
[Tucker] Yeah!
Thank you.
[Dexter] Okay, now we just need Helena.
She's a real messy bitch
who wants to get in Demetrius' pants.
-Can anyone relate?
-[excited chatter]
Allow me.
Not even going to wait to be picked.
That is messy.
Let's hear it for our four young lovers.
-[applause]
-From the game, right?
Hannah.
Please. Everyone knows the girl
who locked down Garrett Graham.
Uh, no. No, I didn't lock him.
I mean, we're not locked.
He is free to unlock anyone he wants.
[Dexter] we love to stir up some drama.
All right, Hermia.
Let's get you all caught up.
All right, you're in love with Lysander.
[all] Oh!
But your big, bad daddy
is forcing you to marry Demetrius.
[audience boos]
What say you, Hermia?
But Daddy, I love him!
[audience] But Daddy, she loves him!
[The Cardigans' "Lovefool" plays]
Oh!
Now, after this, we've got like
ten minutes of rude mechanicals BS.
So, feel free
to help yourselves to our wet bar.
Okay.
So your life is practice, class, repeat,
and now also the theater.
-Can we seriously not do this right now?
-Do what?
You're broadening your horizons.
I think it's fun.
Looks like Hannah's
broadening her horizons, too.
Didn't have to mess with her like that.
She's not my girlfriend.
[scoffs] But you clearly want her to be.
No, I don't.
Please, you can deny it all you want,
but I looked at you
the same way for months.
Kendall, about the way
that I ended things,
I was kind of a dick.
Don't.
Don't apologize to me
just to make yourself feel better.
I was just gonna say, you know,
it sucks when you like someone
and they don't like you back.
It does.
If I knew just how much it sucked,
I probably would have
done some things differently.
So, I'm sorry.
And really
will you accept my apology
if I promise to keep feeling bad about it?
[laughs]
I was having so much fun being a bitch.
Fine. Yeah, okay, I accept.
[chuckles]
Herbal. It's foul, but it's effective.
[Jeremy] I see their knavery.
This is to make an ass of me.
[Allie] What angel wakes me
from my flowery bed?
I pray thee, gentle mortal, sing again.
Mine ear is much enamored of thy note.
And so is mine eye enthralled to thy
to thy
smile.
And thy sweatshirt.
And how surprisingly ripped thou art.
And how thou always made me chocolate chip
and blueberry pancakes
because thou knowest I want both,
even though thou aren't
eating carbs right now.
And so what if thou favors missionary?
Methinks I could get on board
with missionary.
Oh, sweet Bottom,
out to Vermont do not desire to go.
Please, do not desire to go.
[applause]
-Holy shit, she's incredible.
-Yeah, man. She really is.
[laughs] Line?
["Whiplash" by Aespa playing]
♪One look, give 'em whiplash♪♪
Line?
[all] Line!
-Line.
-He said it!
-He said it.
-That's the word.
[rowdy chatter]
Okay, I understand your confusion.
This is what's happening here.
I am I'm fucked up, man.
Line?
It's not even your line!
Sue me, I'm thirsty.
Okay, are these drama kids
better at drinking?
-No, I get it, I get it.
-What's going on?
I totally get it.
Ooh!
Pyramus and Thisbe are us all.
-Okay.
-Hmm? Right?
-Well done.
-You see, Tuck?
[laughing] Tucker.
[both laughing]
Welcome back!
My lovers.
Oh!
Looks like you two had a good time.
And it's about to get even better.
I made this love potion
special for the boys.
It's a real knockout.
And wouldn't you know it?
When they came to,
they only had eyes for Helena.
[audience] Ooh!
Okay, loving this.
But, fools and mortals,
who will win fair Helena's hand?
How is a buxom maiden ever to decide?
Oh.
I know.
How about a good old-fashion dance-off?
Which one of you
wants to take the pole first?
[Dean] Garrett
[all, chanting] Garrett! Garrett! Garrett!
Garrett! Garrett! Garrett!
Garrett! Garrett!
Garrett! Garrett!
Garrett! Get your pole on!
Fuck. Fuck you guys.
[cheers and applause]
[The Kid LAROI "Girls" plays]
Fuck it.
Oh!
[playful shouting]
♪Fuck your ex-man, I'm the man now♪
♪Think I feel bad, he was fanned out♪
♪Do what you like, you've been too nice♪
♪He didn't do right, that's too bad now♪
♪I see that you worked all night
you're trying to cash out♪
♪You and your friends
are trying to lash out♪
♪And I'm not the one
to tell them, "Stand down"♪
♪It's their world and they just wanna♪
You know, I was thinking
about asking you out.
The reason I didn't is because I thought
you and Garrett were serious, but
I guess you're not?
Nope. Uh, definitely not serious.
Cool.
Look, I'm not normally
into theater, but
you know, I'm really glad I came.
-Yeah, me too.
-[both laugh]
♪I'm for real♪
♪You worked all night
you're trying to cash out♪
♪You and your friends
are trying to lash out♪
♪And I'm not the one
to tell 'em, "Stand down"♪
♪It's their world and they just wanna♪
♪Girls just wanna dance♪
♪Girls just wanna dance♪♪
[Dexter] If we shadows have offended,
think but this, and all is mended.
That you have but slumbered here
while these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle
[Hannah] Hey.
Hey.
That was some show you put on out there.
Very Boys Gone Wild.
Thanks.
I, uh, bet you're happy
about the second love potion.
You and Justin back together?
Yeah, well, all's well that ends well.
That's-- That's Shakespeare.
-Yeah. I know.
-Sorry.
Um, uh, actually
Justin said he wants to ask me out.
Uh, congratulations. That's, uh
Yeah, you did it.
Yeah. Yeah. Uh
So I-- I guess this means
our deal is officially over?
Right?
Uh, yeah. Right.
Yeah, I mean, I got you the grade.
And I got you the guy.
[Justin] Hey.
They want us over there for curtain call.
Ready?
-Sure.
-Sweet.
[applause]
[melancholic music playing]
[hockey stick slapping]
[sighs]
You're getting some good power
behind the shot.
Still going wide.
Well, as long as you keep
hitting the rink.
-Remember Eastwood? Freshman year?
-Yeah.
That wasn't on me, all right?
Birdie took the shot.
It just deflected off my stick.
And Bragg's teeth.
I bought him a beer. He's fine.
[both laugh]
Hey, sorry I couldn't make
the Shakespeare thing.
Yeah, it's okay.
You didn't miss much.
So
you and Hannah?
[sighs]
I don't know what I was thinking.
I don't have time for a girlfriend.
Hey, I'm sorry, man.
I know you were really into her.
It's fine.
There's a plan in place for me.
Team captain, Frozen Four, Bruins.
-All I gotta do is follow through.
-That's a good plan.
People would kill to have that plan.
Right, exactly.
Hannah was just a distraction.
Yeah, I mean
sometimes you don't get
everything you want.
But you're Garrett Graham.
All right?
Things are gonna work out for you, okay?
They always do.
[laughs]
Yeah, well, for you too, man.
It's me and you on the Bruins.
That's the dream, right?
Yeah, that's the dream.
Anyway, I was gonna hit up Malone's
if you wanted to join.
You look like you could use it.
That's all right. I'm gonna stay.
You sure?
-Yeah.
-All right, man.
-I'll see you later.
-All right, bud.
["Bluest Flame (DJ Sliink Remix)" by
Selena Gomez and benny blanco playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[inaudible]
[phone line rings]
I know. I said I wouldn't call.
And that's how I learned the difference
between Billie Joe Armstrong
and Haley Joel Osment.
[laughs]
Yeah, that's-- that's funny.
I'm-- I'm really glad
we got to spend some time together.
You know, outside of rehearsals.
Yeah, same.
["Sofa King" by Royel Otis playing]
Oh, I fucking love this song.
Why do you love it so much?
Well, I mean, for starters,
the bass line and the way it interacts
with the lead guitars--
No, uh, sorry.
I actually mean
what does it make you feel?
I mean, jealous I didn't write it first.
Why? What does it make you feel?
Uh, nothing.
I mean, they're not for everyone.
Yeah.
Hey, this
This party's kind of dead, right?
-Do you want to come back to mine, and--?
-Justin
Let me guess. Rain check?
Not quite.
♪You're so fucking gorgeous♪♪
[jiggles doorknob]
[phone line rings]
[Garrett's voice] This is Garrett.
No phones allowed on the ice,
so leave a message.
[voicemail beeps]
[Hannah, over PA]
♪Baby♪
♪Now that I've found you
I can't let you go♪
♪I'll build my world around you♪
♪I need you so♪
♪Baby, even though you don't need me♪
♪You don't need me♪
♪Baby♪
♪Now that I've found you
I can't let you go♪
♪I'll build my world around you
I need you so♪
♪Baby, even though you don't need me♪
♪You don't need me♪
♪Baby, baby, since first we met♪
♪I knew in this heart of mine♪
♪The love we had could not be bad♪
♪I played it right and I bide my time♪
♪Spent a lifetime looking for somebody♪
♪To give me love like you♪
♪Now you've told me
that you wanna leave me♪
♪Darling, I just can't let you♪
♪Baby♪
♪Now that I've found you
I can't let you go♪
♪I'll build my world around you
I need you so♪
♪Baby, even though you don't need me♪
♪You don't need me♪
["Baby Now That I've Found You"
piano instrumental plays]