The Venture Bros (2003) s01e04 Episode Script

Stop pushing it, and ask your question.
I'm not pushing it!
Will I find true love?
You are such a massive wuss.
Hank and I just woke up on the floor.
We were playing Ouija,
and a guy hypnotized us
Dean
With his magical Dracula powers.
Dean, I'm going to turn around now,
and you'd better be on fire.
You're standing there in flames
and the only person
who can put you out is me
because that is
the only conceivable reason
that you would wake me up like this!
Morning, Brock.
Hank? You all right?
I will be.
You have to stop sneakin' up on me.
I just wanted to tell you
H.E.L.P.eR.'s broken.
- Brock?
- Yeah.
Is it OK if I cry?
All right, Dean, he's not a vampire.
He's a doctor, and he's renting out
the old Advanced Arachnid
research lab from me
so don't scare him away
with your nonsense.
We need the money.
But he had a Dracula trophy
around his neck and everything.
No more "Night Stalker" reruns
for you, mister.
They're making you a nervous Nelly.
OK, boy, tell the nice man why we're here.
Uh, well, l
Oh, good God.
Fine, I'll do it.
My son has it in his head
that you were in our house last night
and you killed our robot.
The seed of your loins is quite astute.
I saved your mechanical man
from certain damnation
for his frail electronic eyes
had gazed upon the impenetrable.
He was an unwilling beholder
to the impossible!
See? I told you there was
a rational explanation.
What's this one?
"In Through the Out Door."
Can I put it on?
Rather you didn't.
Zep sold out on that one.
Wanna listen to it anyway?
Look, Hank, I have memories
attached to that record.
Can we drop this, please?
Is it because you killed
a whole bunch of ninjas
while it was playing,
so now it reminds you of ninjas?
No.
Frogmen?
Does it remind you of frogmen?
No.
A team of mutated half-dog, half
It's a woman!
The only woman I ever loved.
You happy now?
No
because you snapped at me.
You're all right, Hank.
You know that?
You're all right.
Well, you sure did a job on this place.
I think my dad used to make
giant horseshoe crabs here or something.
I hardly recognize it.
I don't think this lab is
zoned for a fireplace.
The flames you see before you
are no more than an illusion
or more precisely,
a symbol of the flame.
Ah! Well, that's OK, then, I guess.
Uh, so what kind of work
do you do here, Doctor
Orpheus.
I am known to men as Dr. Orpheus.
And mine is to perceive and control
the delicate arrangement of the cosmos.
They give out Ph.D.s for that?
Junior college upstate.
Communications major,
minor in women's studies.
But I assure you, sir,
the "doctor" title was bestowed on me
by a higher power
than a mere college professor.
Oh, of course.
But this is a lab, right?
When I file my taxes,
I can call this a lab?
I mean, you and I have the same definition
for laboratory, right?
No, sir!
You define the word
as a place to create abominations!
I can hold back no longer.
Your latest invention has cleft
the magical order of the cosmos in twain!
Even now I feel its evil grip pull me back in!
See, Dad?
I told you he was in our house.
So, what super cool adventure
are we going on today?
Should I get my scuba gear?
We're not going anywhere.
Your father's working on this thing.
Scuba. Scuba.
Scuba, scuba, scuba, scuba.
Say scuba.
Scuba.
Scuba. It sounds funny.
Yeah, it does.
You're gonna fix H.E.L.P.eR.
For me, aren't you?
Why don't you ask your dad?
Aw, he's always too busy
for me and Dean.
Scuba.
Here.
Start with one and work your way up.
So, you see, a man can't
be blamed for his ignorance
but once he knows
Dad, where's the blow-dryer?
Gentlemen, this is my daughter.
Daddy has a most important guest.
Pumpkin, why don't you see if, um
Dean. His name is Dean.
Dean would like to partake of some
of those prepackaged cereals
you enjoy so well?
Single parent, eh?
Now I think we have
some common ground to
Oh, what's this?
Oh, she's an affectionate little one.
Oh, my apologies.
She's in heat.
I heard if you take a Q-tip
and moisten it with warm water
I tried that once. It was horrible.
I couldn't look at her for a week.
She was just a walking reminder
of our common shame.
Oh, dear God.
That's not your wife in some,
like, magical animal form?
Oh, no, no. My wife left me
for a young necromancer.
My pumpkin still holds out hope.
Is your name Pumpkin?
No, it's Triana.
Doesn't your dad
have a nickname for you?
Well, I've heard him call me
Dave or Don a few times
but I don't think they're nicknames.
Hey, are you a pirate?
What are you talking about?
Because one time my family
was held captive by pirates
who were ghosts.
And you have a Jolly Roger
on your blouse
so I thought
Oh, this? No.
I was going for an Adam and the Ants
kind of retro thing.
Did you just say blouse?
I don't know.
Who's that big guy
that's always washing his car
in front of your place?
Oh, that's Brock.
He's my dad's bodyguard.
One time I saw him kill a guy
with a sockful of party snaps.
Did the guy's head get blown off?
Yes, it did.
Hmm. How you fit a stairway
behind this bookcase
I can't figure out.
Hey, if I pull this candle down, will it
Get wax on my carpet?
Yes.
I gotta bolt, or I'll be late for school.
Yeah, I saw your lunch pail.
It's not a lunch pail.
All right, then, lunch box,
or however you say it.
That's not what I mean.
It's, uh, it's kind of a purse.
Never mind.
So, how come I never see you at school?
I'm kind of home tutored
in a box my pop made.
It sometimes gets very hot in the box
my pop made.
Wow. That's, um that's screwy.
Crap. Did I upset you?
Penguins have an organ above their eyes
that converts seawater into fresh water.
Why would someone do that?
Hank, go get me
a Phillips head screwdriver.
Hey, Brock.
What's this thing?
It has an "X" at the tip.
The door just opened up.
Hank, it's right on the top.
It's so pretty, like extra flowers.
Hank, why don't you toss
the old pigskin around with your pop?
Okey-dokey.
All right, boys, time to eat.
You heard your mother.
Now let's go grab some of her yummy-riffic
grilled cheese sandwiches.
And, son, they have no crusts.
Hank, stop!
Wow, it's past noon.
What do you say we two doctor dads
mosey over to my lab
and see what kind of voodoo
got stuck in my invention?
Yes, a capital idea
but before we depart,
there is one thing I must do.
Greetings, Pumpkin.
I am at Mr. Venture's lab
to right that which is wrong
and to repair the torn curtain of time itself!
There are four puddings in the fridge.
You may enjoy the contents
of one of them.
Dinner at 6:00.
Come, my friend!
Let us close your door
on the spirit world forever!
No. See? I told you it was unlocked.
Oh, Dean, I'm so very frightened.
What do you think
that cave man will do to us?
Hush, my pet.
I rigged it.
Now, just relax, Triana,
and let your prom king take care of you.
And through a direct electrochemical link
to the occupant's pineal gland
Bingo! The joy can!
Whatever you desire most, you got it.
So, you have created an iron cylinder
of unearthly delights.
A noble quest.
And don't think for a moment
that I haven't noticed
the neon appointments.
It needed a dash of color, I thought
and buyers demand a certain
Venture panache from me.
I am impressed with your abilities.
Yet I feel there is more to this
than you are telling me.
Evil has struck the house of Venture!
The air reeks of an ill wind!
Yea, though I have smelt it
that hath dealt it.
Please tell me that was a laundry bag.
That was my arm.
Hank, what the hell are you doing
sleeping on the floor?
You know damn well
you aren't supposed to be in here.
- But, Dad, Brock is
- No buts, mister!
You have to be firm.
Give 'em an inch
and they think they're a ruler.
Dad, this is important.
Hank, stop acting up for company.
I can assure you
Dr. Orpheus is not impressed
with your sass mouth.
Dad, that's the Dracula guy who
Hank!
March!
OK, already!
Jeez!
Brock Samson.
You dog.
Molotov.
You bitch.
Dean! Wake up!
You've been hypnotized
by that magic man.
No, I just got up too fast.
Total head rush.
Plus, that guy's not even a Dracula.
He's a necromancer.
And he's pretty cool.
Plus, he has a daughter named Triana.
Triana.
Isn't that a cool name?
Dean, that's great,
and I can't wait to hear all about her.
Only Brock's stuck in Dad's thing
that makes people happy.
- But it's all evil.
- I dare you to make less sense.
I was on the floor,
and I heard everything
and I have a plan.
What the heck are you talking about?
Damn it, Dean, work with me on this.
I'm trying to uh, whoa.
Will you quit it?
I'm ready, Brock Samson.
I'm ready to go all the way.
No way.
- But promise me one thing.
- Anything.
Promise me you won't be gentle.
I'm not even done with it,
and it's not like I'm testing it on him.
No, clearly the insidious cylinder
beckoned to Mr. Samson.
But he could be trapped for an eternity
all because you had to
I told you, it's a joy can.
It makes your deepest desires a reality.
I understand that, but why would you
put the lock on the inside?
Come on, think about it.
That beauty was made for hanky-panky.
So?
The lonely kind of hanky-panky.
The kind where you don't need
someone busting in going
"Hey, Rusty, I just need
to get my hairbrush."
Oh, yeah, right.
No, I get it.
- Another brew?
- OK.
Are you sure this'll work?
No, and I don't think we should
be doing this in the first place.
Look, Dad thinks we're just big babies.
If we rescue Brock,
come on, Dad'll be like
"You guys should have separate rooms
"with, like, Coke machines
and bumper pool in them."
All right, all right, whatever.
Just let's get this over with.
Go, Team Venture.
Let's get Brock and get out of here.
Hey, it's Scamp, and he's alive.
Here, Scamp!
Come on, boy.
That's it.
I'm getting out of here.
Oh, crap.
What happened to the door?
Oh, you are kidding me.
This is ridiculous!
How the hell do they keep getting in there?
The beast seems to hunger for them.
Like the sirens of old,
it chants their names.
I just don't get how they can
get the door open.
Well, I'm out of ideas here
so if you want to go and try
your mumbo jumbo, go ahead.
And I don't need any
"I told you so's" if it works.
Stand back, good sir!
And shield your fragile mind.
By the crimson shame of Lord Barisinta,
I command you
Open!
Did it work?
Tug on the door.
I think I loosened it.
No. No, wait.
I want to try again.
Fine. I'm gonna go put some pants on.
He can't hear us.
He doesn't even know we're standing here.
Hold on.
I have an idea that just might do the trick.
Here, we have
to get this soaking wet.
How are we gonna do that?
Don't make me spell it out for you.
Your family is not enough.
The machine is hungry.
It craves purity.
It devours purity.
It sings to me.
- What the hell is this thing made out of?
- Nothing.
- Come on.
- All right, fine.
I might have used a few unorthodox parts.
Just tell me one.
An orphan.
A what?
An orphan.
Did you say an orphan?
Yeah, a little orphan boy.
It's powered by a forsaken child?
Might be, kind of.
I mean, I didn't use the whole thing.
Greetings, Pumpkin.
I am at Mr. Venture's lab
to right that which is wrong
and to repair the
And now the Marco
with arms outstretched
and his eyes blinded to all his Polos
begins to cry his own name.
Oh, my God, fine.
Just try it, for crying out loud.
Very well.
Marco!
Nice rescue, boys.
You saved me from
the only woman I've ever loved
with a hat that smells like a men's room,
and we're still here.
We totally blew it.
No, that's not what I mean.
I'm impressed with your spirit.
I just wish you'd thought it out
a little better.
OK, Brock, I admit there may be
some small holes in our plan.
- Marco!
- Polo?
Polo! Polo!
- Marco!
- Polo!
All right, we know they're in there.
Will you try something else, please?
Is it getting loose?
No use. We're gonna have to wait it out.
This totally sucks.
And I'm starting to get hungry.
Do not eat it.
That is a poisonous magic pie.
Hank, you get out of there.
Be cross with them!
Boys, this is your father.
You come here this instant!
Oh, just stop.
I don't get it.
The true love thing always works.
I never fail with that one.
Don't blame me.
Hello? Dad, are you in there?
Over here, Pumpkin.
Your dinner is, like, freezing cold by now.
What's going on over here?
Mr. Venture trapped
your little friend Dean
and the rest of his family
in his horrid invention.
- I did not.
- Who?
You remember Dean, sweetie.
Oh, right. Dean.
I know how to get out!
Aw, sick!
Follow me.
Go, Team Venture!
Yes, go, Team Venture!
Oh, for God's sake,
don't encourage them.
Now that your family is safe,
let's send this machine back to hell.
No! No! This baby's
gonna make me a mint.
Are you mad?
It draws its power
from a haunted orphan heart.
All right, keep it down.
Away!
I hope you realize
that I'm gonna have to raise your rent now.
So, I guess I'll be seeing you
around the compound.
Around the compound?
What are you, David Koresh?
No, I'm Dean Dean Venture.
Never mind.
Yeah, I'll be seeing you.
OK. Bye.
Smooth move.
She was all over you!
- You think?
- No.
Dean, what the hell are you doing in there?
I need to take a shower.
I'm practicing being a boyfriend, Pop!
Never mind, Dean.
That's good soup!