The Venture Bros (2003) s01e03 Episode Script

Midlife Chrysalis

We got company.
Attention, unidentified aircraft.
This is Colonel Steve Conway of the United States Air Force.
- Hi! - Hi! You're currently flying in restricted air space.
- Oh, damn it.
- What? You will follow us to the nearest landing area.
If you fail to comply, we will not hesitate to shoot you down.
What are you doing? We don't have time for this.
Let me handle this.
Sir, your craft is unregistered, and you failed to file a flight plan.
Just what the hell do you think you're doing? Don't you people have anything better to do than harass innocent people trying to get to Marrakesh? Zip it, Grandpa.
I'm speaking to the pilot.
Grandpa? Well, I'll have you know Sir, I am not gonna tell you again.
It's all right, soldier.
I got special clearance.
I'm with a top-secret branch of the government.
So if you don't mind, we have a mission to get back to.
This I.
Expired six months ago.
When Marrakesh is overrun by mutant lizard people don't come crying to me.
Grandpa! How dare they! I'm only 43.
Still a young man.
Maybe a little frayed around the edges but who wouldn't be between my work and raising two boys? Crap.
Who am I kidding? My looks are going down the toilet faster than an unwanted pregnancy on prom night.
I was Rusty Venture, boy-friggin'-wonder.
Now look at me.
I can't go on denying the world my extra-greatness.
I should be out there mixing it up, having fun.
That's it! I just need a little "me" time to put the spring back in my step.
Oh, and a super-hot car! Don't worry, Brock.
You'll be able to kill guys again in no time! And fly jets and do secret agent stuff.
Hank and I are on the case.
With our help, you're sure to ace the agent's exam, no prob.
Whoa! Look at those wheels! Hey, Gloomy Gus.
Hop in.
I've got a top-secret mission for you, buddy.
I can't.
I'm not a secret agent anymore.
You don't need a license for Operation "Get Me Some.
" What's got into you? Come on, Brock.
Two young studs like us we're show ponies.
We need to strut our stuff.
What say we make the scene? I gotta see this.
Move over.
I'm driving.
Where are you guys going? And why are you dressed like the clown on my lamp, Pop? Boys' night out.
Don't wait up for us.
Dean, you're in charge.
You hear that? I'm in charge and I think it's just about wittle Hanky's bedtime.
Oh, take a bow.
Poughkeepsie! Oh, hold on a sec.
How do I look? Be brutal.
You look like a big doll.
Rusty is back.
Oh, pretty dead in here, huh? Not a whole lot of talent.
Doesn't usually get jumpin' till 11:00.
And, you know, on a Friday.
Can I help you gentlemen? - Bud.
- You got it, ape-drape.
A Bud for Captain Mullet-head.
How 'bout you, Professor? I'll have a Rob Roy.
What? So, teach me, Brock.
I'm a quick study.
How do you pick up the women? Just gotta throw the vibe out there.
Well, the welcome mat's out.
Let's see who comes a-knocking.
Oh, Brock, check out the main stage, but don't make it obvious.
Rusty like.
She's looking at me.
What do I do? Give her, like, five bucks.
Can you break this? That's a nice medallion you got there, baby.
Oh, this? Science prize, '79.
The best paper I ever wrote.
Turned the whole gravity thing upside down.
And that pun was intentional, honey.
She's totally into me.
This is too easy.
Where's the capture and kill? Bye! Shall I follow her? Be right back.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Let me get this straight.
$15, Grandpa's catcher's mitt, and you'll be my slave for the night.
- Give it.
- The whole thing.
Dude, I spit in that.
I can't do this! Oh, you're back.
You didn't miss much.
Oh, one of them was dressed like a cheerleader and said she was nineteen, but she had a Cesarean scar and her face had more lines on it than a mirror at Studio 54.
- I gotta go.
- Wait a minute! You're not allowed to ditch me! You're my bodyguard! How can I be? Leaving us so soon, hockey hair? Compliments of the lady at the end of the bar.
He's coming over.
He took the bait! Excellent.
It's all going according to plan.
Proceed with phase two, Dr.
Girlfriend ensnarement.
Make it shine, Gunga Din.
Yes, Effendi.
So I said, "Listen, my Dad invented Univac "so I think I would know.
" Well, that uppity little T.
Didn't give me any more trouble the rest of the semester.
You dog, you.
That's it, precious.
Make him think you're interested.
Now, twirl your hair.
OK, run your finger around the rim of your oh, excellent.
Just like that.
You're doing great, Pumpkin.
So, I didn't catch your name.
Oh, crap! We never planned for this contingency.
Quick! Make something up! No way, Jose! Drink it, slave! Your master commands you.
- Hey, Brock! - Go to bed.
Why would you dress like that? Dean lost a bet, and now he's my slave and he's refusing a direct order to drink this.
You never welch on a bet, Dean.
Be a man.
Drink it.
You go to bed.
Your father's gonna be Brock looks like hell.
Drink it.
So, uh this is me.
OK, Charlene.
How 'bout I give you my number to my private two-way wrist communicator watch? How about I give you a ride to your place? Yes, yes.
More tongue.
Stroke his ear.
Like that, yes.
Oh, you're good.
You are good.
That's my good girl.
What are you doing?! I was getting juice.
I'm thirsty.
Do you have any condoms? - What? - Just a mo.
Wait a minute.
You're not supposed to sleep with him! Condoms.
Rusty doesn't need gadgets to please a woman.
So you like it rou No worries, Brock.
I'll walk you through the written portion.
Question one.
You're in Prague.
A sniper's in the window above you.
There's an alligator behind you and a grizzly bear in front of you.
What do you do? Do you Back somersault.
Pry off the alligator's jaw.
Use it as a boomerang to take out the sniper.
When he falls out the window the grizzly will go straight for the easier meal.
The answer's "C.
" Morning, all.
Hey, Pop.
Wow, I'm bushed.
Didn't get a lick of sleep.
What happened to your neck? Oh, this? Love bite.
You'll understand when you're older.
Brock, I'm all out of condom.
Could you pick me up one if you go out? OK, next question.
You hear muffled whimpers coming from the trunk of a limousine.
Well, I'll see you fellas a little later.
- However - Going back upstairs.
The limousine has diplomatic plates.
With my two coffees.
Monarch's outside.
Rise and shine, lovin' spoonful.
Care for a little pick-me-up before round two? Fun stuff? Tell him you're going out with the girls tonight or something.
- I don't care.
- He's not buying it.
Oh, I know! Tell him you think it's moving too fast.
Let's cut right to the grate.
How 'bout you swing by, I don't know, I'm thinking like six-thirty-ish and pick ol' Doc up? Oh, don't be foolish.
You don't need to wash your hair before our date.
OK, fine.
I'll pick you up at six - What? - Thirty.
I forbid it! He wouldn't take no for an answer.
I have to go.
Not unless you're going to plant a bomb in his car.
It'll look suspicious if I don't.
Poison his drink? I have to get ready.
You're falling in love with him.
You slept with him, didn't you? Well, I scored your sample test, Brock, and, well, you did better than Hank did but let's just say you're gonna have to do awfully well on the physical portion.
No problem.
Your training begins now.
Drink up! Your ass is mine, Samson.
When I get through with you you're gonna eat lightning and crap thunder! Looks more like he's gonna drink eggs and crap eggs.
Well, I'm off on my date.
Brock, watch the boys while I'm gone, will you? You're still allowed to do that much, right? I'm a little worried about that hickey, Doc.
Oh, Brock, don't worry.
I'm not falling in love.
That's not what l And what would be wrong with that if I was? The boys need a new mommy.
Rusty needs a new mommy.
We don't even know who our old mommy was.
That's right.
I've never really told you about her.
Well, she was That'll be Charlene.
Gotta run, boys.
Don't stay up too late! Did you spit in this? Don't eyeball me, Samson.
Drink it! Come on, Brock! You need strong cardiovascular and agility training.
You're nothing! You're weak! Why do you even want to be a secret agent, boy? You think you're good enough? Hank, seriously, when I get my license back, I'm allowed to kill you.
Sorry, Brock.
I packed a lunch for you, bologna and cheese and I cut the crusts off the way I like.
And I downloaded a bunch of crib notes into your communicator watch.
You get stuck on one of the hard questions just look it up.
What's wrong? What's the matter? I have something to show you all.
Those of you with weak stomachs should leave now.
What you're about to see is a nightmare inexplicably torn from the pages of Kafka.
Holy crap! What happened? Apparently, this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super science.
In short, I pissed in God's eye, and he blinked.
Does it hurt? No, but the poking does.
Let's stop that now.
Hey, what's H.
Gotten into? That appears to be my dermis.
I bet if you put that under your pillow the tooth fairy will give you, like, a grand! OK, Hank, you are taking this way too well.
Well, gee, Dad we've seen a lot of strange stuff over the years.
Last week we were fighting a giant dinosaur.
Granted, but I wasn't the dinosaur.
Can't you see where this is maybe different? Where's Brock? Where's Dean? I can't believe I'm hearing this! He's turned you against me with his oily sex That cunning Casanova.
I'm not against you.
I just feel bad about what I did.
You should! Screwing him was never part of the plan! Not that.
I mean injecting him with that horrible serum.
No, see, that part you should feel good about.
That was the plan! He's not such a bad guy if you take the time to get to know him.
You two actually have a lot in common.
Yeah, we do now.
I didn't sleep with him.
Prove it.
What the hell am I going to do? H.
eR! I need you to be my hands if I'm to find an antidote to this dilemma.
OK, we'll start with the chlorophosphate.
Maybe a little diasporous peptides.
A little ugh! The green one, the red one, and the blue one! Yeah, I'm here to take my secret agent test.
Ah, Mr.
Please empty your pockets of any pieces of paper you might have on your person and I'll escort you to the testing area.
Oh, and please remove your two-way communicator watch.
Damn it.
Bad robot.
Bad H.
eR! We don't do that! We do not eat test tubes.
Come here.
I'm not playing games here.
What? You don't feel well now? Well, what did you expect? You're mixing acids and bases there.
No! H.
eR! No! This test will test your acumen with firearms.
- You'll have two min - No guns.
I don't use guns.
The nine millimeter Glock is standard issue to all agents in the field.
- You're required to - Guns are for Oh, just do it, H.
eR! Use the special hand attachments I gave you and just pull the trigger! Oh, you ungrateful metal pansy! Some help you Well, let's see here, Mr.
On the driving portion, you totaled every car but the one you were driving.
On the pistol range, you refused to use a gun.
And oh, ha! Yeah, here's my favorite.
On the written, you drew a little guy with wings from the Led Zeppelin records.
So, uh, what are you trying to tell me here, little man? That you don't like Zepp? My father is General Traceter.
You saved his life.
The man spoke of you as a god and you did not disappoint.
Oh, yeah.
I used to baby-sit you.
Hey, Pop.
What are you doing? I don't know.
I can't stop myself.
I'm compelled.
Looks hard.
Not really.
The little back legs do most of the work.
Can I try? Listen to me, Hank.
I don't know what's gonna happen to me when I finish with this.
I could turn into something new and hideous, monstrous.
Upon exiting this horrible thing, I might try to kill one or all of you.
Golly! Do you know how to fire a shotgun, Hank? Answer me! Daddy, there's a lady with a super-deep voice here to see you.
Charlene? No! She can't see me this way.
Tell her l Hi, sweetie.
So now you know why I haven't called.
That's our cue, wuss.
Are you really gonna kill Dad? You're a worm, Rusty.
I would have called, but Oh, right.
I'm in the super science racket.
These things happen.
So, I guess this is good-bye.
I will remember these last few days with you as the happiest of my life well, except for the caterpillar part, I mean.
Could I have one last kiss before I leave? Well, all right, but don't touch those thick hairs on my back.
I think they're my new ears.
Wow, you're a dirty girl! This is turning you on, isn't it, you little slu Hey, if it isn't Franken-mullet.
What can I do you for? What the hell happened? Go, Team Venture! That's good soup!
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