The Venture Bros (2003) s01e04 Episode Script

Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Magic

Stop pushing it, and ask your question.
I'm not pushing it! Will I find true love? You are such a massive wuss.
Hank and I just woke up on the floor.
We were playing Ouija, and a guy hypnotized us Dean With his magical Dracula powers.
Dean, I'm going to turn around now, and you'd better be on fire.
You're standing there in flames and the only person who can put you out is me because that is the only conceivable reason that you would wake me up like this! Morning, Brock.
Hank? You all right? I will be.
You have to stop sneakin' up on me.
I just wanted to tell you H.
's broken.
- Brock? - Yeah.
Is it OK if I cry? All right, Dean, he's not a vampire.
He's a doctor, and he's renting out the old Advanced Arachnid research lab from me so don't scare him away with your nonsense.
We need the money.
But he had a Dracula trophy around his neck and everything.
No more "Night Stalker" reruns for you, mister.
They're making you a nervous Nelly.
OK, boy, tell the nice man why we're here.
Uh, well, l Oh, good God.
Fine, I'll do it.
My son has it in his head that you were in our house last night and you killed our robot.
The seed of your loins is quite astute.
I saved your mechanical man from certain damnation for his frail electronic eyes had gazed upon the impenetrable.
He was an unwilling beholder to the impossible! See? I told you there was a rational explanation.
What's this one? "In Through the Out Door.
" Can I put it on? Rather you didn't.
Zep sold out on that one.
Wanna listen to it anyway? Look, Hank, I have memories attached to that record.
Can we drop this, please? Is it because you killed a whole bunch of ninjas while it was playing, so now it reminds you of ninjas? No.
Frogmen? Does it remind you of frogmen? No.
A team of mutated half-dog, half It's a woman! The only woman I ever loved.
You happy now? No because you snapped at me.
You're all right, Hank.
You know that? You're all right.
Well, you sure did a job on this place.
I think my dad used to make giant horseshoe crabs here or something.
I hardly recognize it.
I don't think this lab is zoned for a fireplace.
The flames you see before you are no more than an illusion or more precisely, a symbol of the flame.
Ah! Well, that's OK, then, I guess.
Uh, so what kind of work do you do here, Doctor Orpheus.
I am known to men as Dr.
And mine is to perceive and control the delicate arrangement of the cosmos.
They give out Ph.
s for that? Junior college upstate.
Communications major, minor in women's studies.
But I assure you, sir, the "doctor" title was bestowed on me by a higher power than a mere college professor.
Oh, of course.
But this is a lab, right? When I file my taxes, I can call this a lab? I mean, you and I have the same definition for laboratory, right? No, sir! You define the word as a place to create abominations! I can hold back no longer.
Your latest invention has cleft the magical order of the cosmos in twain! Even now I feel its evil grip pull me back in! See, Dad? I told you he was in our house.
So, what super cool adventure are we going on today? Should I get my scuba gear? We're not going anywhere.
Your father's working on this thing.
Scuba, scuba, scuba, scuba.
Say scuba.
It sounds funny.
Yeah, it does.
You're gonna fix H.
For me, aren't you? Why don't you ask your dad? Aw, he's always too busy for me and Dean.
Start with one and work your way up.
So, you see, a man can't be blamed for his ignorance but once he knows Dad, where's the blow-dryer? Gentlemen, this is my daughter.
Daddy has a most important guest.
Pumpkin, why don't you see if, um Dean.
His name is Dean.
Dean would like to partake of some of those prepackaged cereals you enjoy so well? Single parent, eh? Now I think we have some common ground to Oh, what's this? Oh, she's an affectionate little one.
Oh, my apologies.
She's in heat.
I heard if you take a Q-tip and moisten it with warm water I tried that once.
It was horrible.
I couldn't look at her for a week.
She was just a walking reminder of our common shame.
Oh, dear God.
That's not your wife in some, like, magical animal form? Oh, no, no.
My wife left me for a young necromancer.
My pumpkin still holds out hope.
Is your name Pumpkin? No, it's Triana.
Doesn't your dad have a nickname for you? Well, I've heard him call me Dave or Don a few times but I don't think they're nicknames.
Hey, are you a pirate? What are you talking about? Because one time my family was held captive by pirates who were ghosts.
And you have a Jolly Roger on your blouse so I thought Oh, this? No.
I was going for an Adam and the Ants kind of retro thing.
Did you just say blouse? I don't know.
Who's that big guy that's always washing his car in front of your place? Oh, that's Brock.
He's my dad's bodyguard.
One time I saw him kill a guy with a sockful of party snaps.
Did the guy's head get blown off? Yes, it did.
How you fit a stairway behind this bookcase I can't figure out.
Hey, if I pull this candle down, will it Get wax on my carpet? Yes.
I gotta bolt, or I'll be late for school.
Yeah, I saw your lunch pail.
It's not a lunch pail.
All right, then, lunch box, or however you say it.
That's not what I mean.
It's, uh, it's kind of a purse.
Never mind.
So, how come I never see you at school? I'm kind of home tutored in a box my pop made.
It sometimes gets very hot in the box my pop made.
That's, um that's screwy.
Did I upset you? Penguins have an organ above their eyes that converts seawater into fresh water.
Why would someone do that? Hank, go get me a Phillips head screwdriver.
Hey, Brock.
What's this thing? It has an "X" at the tip.
The door just opened up.
Hank, it's right on the top.
It's so pretty, like extra flowers.
Hank, why don't you toss the old pigskin around with your pop? Okey-dokey.
All right, boys, time to eat.
You heard your mother.
Now let's go grab some of her yummy-riffic grilled cheese sandwiches.
And, son, they have no crusts.
Hank, stop! Wow, it's past noon.
What do you say we two doctor dads mosey over to my lab and see what kind of voodoo got stuck in my invention? Yes, a capital idea but before we depart, there is one thing I must do.
Greetings, Pumpkin.
I am at Mr.
Venture's lab to right that which is wrong and to repair the torn curtain of time itself! There are four puddings in the fridge.
You may enjoy the contents of one of them.
Dinner at 6:00.
Come, my friend! Let us close your door on the spirit world forever! No.
See? I told you it was unlocked.
Oh, Dean, I'm so very frightened.
What do you think that cave man will do to us? Hush, my pet.
I rigged it.
Now, just relax, Triana, and let your prom king take care of you.
And through a direct electrochemical link to the occupant's pineal gland Bingo! The joy can! Whatever you desire most, you got it.
So, you have created an iron cylinder of unearthly delights.
A noble quest.
And don't think for a moment that I haven't noticed the neon appointments.
It needed a dash of color, I thought and buyers demand a certain Venture panache from me.
I am impressed with your abilities.
Yet I feel there is more to this than you are telling me.
Evil has struck the house of Venture! The air reeks of an ill wind! Yea, though I have smelt it that hath dealt it.
Please tell me that was a laundry bag.
That was my arm.
Hank, what the hell are you doing sleeping on the floor? You know damn well you aren't supposed to be in here.
- But, Dad, Brock is - No buts, mister! You have to be firm.
Give 'em an inch and they think they're a ruler.
Dad, this is important.
Hank, stop acting up for company.
I can assure you Dr.
Orpheus is not impressed with your sass mouth.
Dad, that's the Dracula guy who Hank! March! OK, already! Jeez! Brock Samson.
You dog.
You bitch.
Dean! Wake up! You've been hypnotized by that magic man.
No, I just got up too fast.
Total head rush.
Plus, that guy's not even a Dracula.
He's a necromancer.
And he's pretty cool.
Plus, he has a daughter named Triana.
Isn't that a cool name? Dean, that's great, and I can't wait to hear all about her.
Only Brock's stuck in Dad's thing that makes people happy.
- But it's all evil.
- I dare you to make less sense.
I was on the floor, and I heard everything and I have a plan.
What the heck are you talking about? Damn it, Dean, work with me on this.
I'm trying to uh, whoa.
Will you quit it? I'm ready, Brock Samson.
I'm ready to go all the way.
No way.
- But promise me one thing.
- Anything.
Promise me you won't be gentle.
I'm not even done with it, and it's not like I'm testing it on him.
No, clearly the insidious cylinder beckoned to Mr.
But he could be trapped for an eternity all because you had to I told you, it's a joy can.
It makes your deepest desires a reality.
I understand that, but why would you put the lock on the inside? Come on, think about it.
That beauty was made for hanky-panky.
So? The lonely kind of hanky-panky.
The kind where you don't need someone busting in going "Hey, Rusty, I just need to get my hairbrush.
" Oh, yeah, right.
No, I get it.
- Another brew? - OK.
Are you sure this'll work? No, and I don't think we should be doing this in the first place.
Look, Dad thinks we're just big babies.
If we rescue Brock, come on, Dad'll be like "You guys should have separate rooms "with, like, Coke machines and bumper pool in them.
" All right, all right, whatever.
Just let's get this over with.
Go, Team Venture.
Let's get Brock and get out of here.
Hey, it's Scamp, and he's alive.
Here, Scamp! Come on, boy.
That's it.
I'm getting out of here.
Oh, crap.
What happened to the door? Oh, you are kidding me.
This is ridiculous! How the hell do they keep getting in there? The beast seems to hunger for them.
Like the sirens of old, it chants their names.
I just don't get how they can get the door open.
Well, I'm out of ideas here so if you want to go and try your mumbo jumbo, go ahead.
And I don't need any "I told you so's" if it works.
Stand back, good sir! And shield your fragile mind.
By the crimson shame of Lord Barisinta, I command you Open! Did it work? Tug on the door.
I think I loosened it.
No, wait.
I want to try again.
I'm gonna go put some pants on.
He can't hear us.
He doesn't even know we're standing here.
Hold on.
I have an idea that just might do the trick.
Here, we have to get this soaking wet.
How are we gonna do that? Don't make me spell it out for you.
Your family is not enough.
The machine is hungry.
It craves purity.
It devours purity.
It sings to me.
- What the hell is this thing made out of? - Nothing.
- Come on.
- All right, fine.
I might have used a few unorthodox parts.
Just tell me one.
An orphan.
A what? An orphan.
Did you say an orphan? Yeah, a little orphan boy.
It's powered by a forsaken child? Might be, kind of.
I mean, I didn't use the whole thing.
Greetings, Pumpkin.
I am at Mr.
Venture's lab to right that which is wrong and to repair the And now the Marco with arms outstretched and his eyes blinded to all his Polos begins to cry his own name.
Oh, my God, fine.
Just try it, for crying out loud.
Very well.
Marco! Nice rescue, boys.
You saved me from the only woman I've ever loved with a hat that smells like a men's room, and we're still here.
We totally blew it.
No, that's not what I mean.
I'm impressed with your spirit.
I just wish you'd thought it out a little better.
OK, Brock, I admit there may be some small holes in our plan.
- Marco! - Polo? Polo! Polo! - Marco! - Polo! All right, we know they're in there.
Will you try something else, please? Is it getting loose? No use.
We're gonna have to wait it out.
This totally sucks.
And I'm starting to get hungry.
Do not eat it.
That is a poisonous magic pie.
Hank, you get out of there.
Be cross with them! Boys, this is your father.
You come here this instant! Oh, just stop.
I don't get it.
The true love thing always works.
I never fail with that one.
Don't blame me.
Hello? Dad, are you in there? Over here, Pumpkin.
Your dinner is, like, freezing cold by now.
What's going on over here? Mr.
Venture trapped your little friend Dean and the rest of his family in his horrid invention.
- I did not.
- Who? You remember Dean, sweetie.
Oh, right.
I know how to get out! Aw, sick! Follow me.
Go, Team Venture! Yes, go, Team Venture! Oh, for God's sake, don't encourage them.
Now that your family is safe, let's send this machine back to hell.
No! No! This baby's gonna make me a mint.
Are you mad? It draws its power from a haunted orphan heart.
All right, keep it down.
Away! I hope you realize that I'm gonna have to raise your rent now.
So, I guess I'll be seeing you around the compound.
Around the compound? What are you, David Koresh? No, I'm Dean Dean Venture.
Never mind.
Yeah, I'll be seeing you.
Smooth move.
She was all over you! - You think? - No.
Dean, what the hell are you doing in there? I need to take a shower.
I'm practicing being a boyfriend, Pop! Never mind, Dean.
That's good soup!
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