Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil (2005) s01e05 Episode Script
Terry the Teratoma
0
FATHER CANTALUPI:
The Devil is a disease
a virus.
He seeks ways to spread
and to replicate.
SATAN:
Okay, you know that lump
I had in my armpit?
BECKY:
Yes.
- I had it removed.
- Terrific.
- Guess what.
- What?
It was a Teratoma.
What's a Teratoma?
A Teratoma is a tumor that grows teeth and hair.
Oh.
It's the most disgusting thing in the world.
Yeah.
And I'd like to introduce you.
Oh!
Becky, this is Terry.
Hello, Becky.
Oh, my god, it talks?
And it sounds like you.
Isn't it great?
Sort of.
Of course it sounds like me,
'cause it's part of me.
It's my genetic material,
but concentrated into, like,
a ball of teeth and hair.
Wow.
Yeah, and I have more hair.
Hey, at least
I don't have a lisp.
[ lisping ]
Do I have a lisp?
Well, I little.
Shut up, Satan.
This is, like, the worst ventriloquist act
I have ever seen.
CANTALUPI:
But the forces of life
can spread, too,
spread like good news.
In this case, the good news
was a young D.J.'s
delightful debut novel
that combined
the Christian allegory
of "The Chronicles of Narnia"
with the folksy wisdom of "Tuesdays with Morrie."
I can't believe you wrote this.
Lucy, nothing in the book is meant to be read literally.
But it is literal.
It's about me and you and things
that we've done together.
Right, but it's not meant to be taken literally.
You changed one letter in my name.
Yes, her name is Lacy,
and she's tall and thin,
which you are not.
Are you trying to hurt me?
Of course not.
Why would I do that?
I love you.
Oh.
You are welcome.
This counsel has chosen to consider the interpretation
of Special Father #1.
Father, have you completed
the book?
Okay, I didn't actually get
a chance to finish the book,
but I'm glad to be here.
I see!
You petitioned for entry
into this order,
but you can't be
bothered to finish the book!
I made the zucchini bread.
Ow!
Mary, please.
Silence!
I am hosting this week.
I make the rules.
Ow!
When you host,
you can do it your way.
Zucchini bread.
[ up-tempo ukulele music plays ]
[ up-tempo ukulele music plays ]
I lit out from Reno ♪
I was trailed by 20 hounds ♪
Didn't get to sleep last night
till the morning came around ♪
Said, "All right, I've got to take my time"
Friend of the Devil is
a friend of mine ♪
If I get home
before daylight ♪
Just might get some sleep
tonight
Hey, Becky.
Hey, Terry.
Yes.
Put it on channel 4.
Not a good time.
Do it.
Fine.
That book is a big problem.
Don't worry about it.
I already posted a bad review
on Amazon.
That's not enough!
Well, what do you want me
to do, Becky?
Maybe I can do something.
[ grunting ]
[ electricity crackles ]
Sure, with her music, with
her clothes, with her attitude.
I'm sorry, there's something
wrong with this mic.
Hello?
Whoa, I just got a shock
from this.
Oh, boy.
[ beep ]
Whoa.
Did you do that, Terry?
Yes.
Did you like that, Becky?
Yeah.
[ laughs ]
[ ukulele music plays ]
CANTALUPI:
The D.J.'s story touched even
more lives than he could reach
with his deep-house
and trans-house music.
And now his book was being made
into a made-for-TV movie,
featuring D.J. Jesús as himself.
Meanwhile, the next book-group meeting was coming up.
Um, I don't know
how to say this,
so I'm just gonna say it.
I think it's best if you don't come to book group.
Oh, is that so?
Wait, there's a book group?
Yeah, sorry.
I just -- I don't know if you're
the right fit for the group.
Like, I think
you're a great guy,
but I just don't know
if it, like, works.
Well, it's funny
you should mention that
because sister Louisa
called me last night.
Oh, she did?
You guys have a book group?
Yes, she did.
She's forming a new group,
and she invited me to join it.
And she asked me to ask you
not to come.
I see.
She was uncomfortable,
I think.
I think you have kind of
amasculine energy
which rubs people
the wrong way.
Masculine?
Well, yes, for a group like that.
They're nuns, but they're still women, you know.
What, do I have a penis?
No, not necessarily.
I don't.
Look.
Looky here.
Well, how do I know it's not
taped behind
I have not tucked a penis
behind my legs.
Okay, fine.
We're getting off point.
Hey, I bet Father Benetti will be in a book club with you.
Okay.
Great.
I think this is how
we can get to him.
They're doing screen tests
today.
These are the actresses.
[ grunts ]
This is hard.
Just relax.
I know you can do it.
[ grunting ]
I'm getting something.
Okay, one last girl today.
Anna Lisa, this is D.J. Jesús.
You'll be reading with him.
Bob, you want to set the scene?
Uh, you're outside
a nightclub, making out,
and it's on fire, but you don't
know that yet.
All right, Anna Lisa, let's, uh,
let's play this one
real close.
And action.
You're an incredible D.J.
I know.
Oh, kiss me.
Yes.
Oh.
[ smooching ]
[ grunting ]
[ telephone rings ]
Damn it.
Oh, it's Satan.
I'll call him back.
You've reached Becky,
the Devil's advocate.
Please leave a message
after the tone
or press zero
to transfer to the operator.
[ grunting ]
God, you're sexy.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
[ grunting ]
- Oh, yeah.
- You like this?
Yeah, don't stop.
Do you?
You like a little of this action?
Mm-hmm.
Kiss me.
Kiss me while you kill the D.J.
- Really?
- Yes.
All right.
[ smooching ]
Are you killing him?
Yeah.
Are you killing him
right now?
Oh, I love these orbs.
Ow.
Ow, ow.
Hey! Ow!
Hey!
I'm killing the D.J.
Are you killing him?
Killing him good.
Kill him.
Kill him faster.
Oh, no.
Kill him harder.
I'm killing him.
Oh, god.
Get her off me.
Get her off me.
[ snarling ]
[ telephone ringing ]
She's not answering.
Probably out at a bar.
Oh, wait, that's me.
Ha.
I'll have another.
Okay.
Hey, listen, I want to talk
to you about something.
Yeah?
You aren't jealous that I've been spending a lot of time
with Terry lately, are you?
Terry, your Teratoma?
Yeah.
No.
Well, here's the deal.
I don't want you to think that
he's replacing you
I don't.
Just because he's been
doing most of the stuff
you're supposed to do.
- He has?
- Yeah.
Like what kind of stuff?
Like work stuff, like for me.
Like making me proud,
which is something
you choose not to do.
Dad, can I tell you something?
Mm-hmm.
I have never seen more of you.
What do you mean?
What does that mean?
I mean since Terry,
I've never seen more of you.
You've been here every day
for, like, two weeks.
Well, I'm -- I'm -- that's because --
I personally think
he's replacing you.
I mean, didn't you used
to have a job?
What?! That's ridiculous, Lucy.
You're just bitter
- I'm not bitter.
that your boyfriend wrote
a best-seller about you
and then dumped you.
It's an allegory.
And he didn't dump me.
He's just been busy with casting
and the film and scouting
locations.
See?
Isn't it perfect?
It's so corny and stupid
and inauthentic.
I mean, you can't fake this.
Oh, hey, Lucy, Lucy 's dad.
So, what do you think?
We're thinking of shooting here.
How do you feel about it?
You want to shoot here?
Yeah, it's perfect for the Tequila Sally scene.
I bet.
I assume you would negotiate
a location fee.
Of course.
That's great.
Lucy, we're gonna have
a movie here.
LUCY:
Yay.
Jesús, uh, I've done a little
bit of acting here and there.
Okay. I didn't know that.
I would love to play myself
in your movie if I could.
I mean, you're gonna shoot here.
I'm gonna be here.
No can do.
Your part is gonna be C.G.
C.G.? That sucks.
Well, you can be an extra.
How about that?
Okay.
I'll talk to budget,
and maybe we can
get you a line.
Give me a line.
Give me a line.
I'll do a line.
Becky, I've been trying to --
Oh, hey, Terry.
Satan.
Were you guys somewhere
together?
- Yeah, we had a meeting.
- No, I was at the gym.
That's weird.
You just said
two different things.
We met about that thing,
and then I went to the gym.
Um, what are you doing here?
We're celebrating.
I happen to have killed the D.J.
What? He's right there.
He's what?
Terry, I thought you said
you killed him.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Let's kill him now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Hold on.
They're gonna shoot
a movie here,
and I'm charging him
a location fee,
and that's gonna
make us a little money,
and I happen to also have a little part in the movie,
so let's wait till after.
[ sighs ]
Fine, fine.
Pfft, great.
Great?
What does "great" mean, Terry?
Is Sister Mary all right?
Was she mad?
No, she seemed okay,
actually.
She even made this for us.
It's her seven-layer dip.
She said you liked it.
I do.
[ grunting ]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Terry, Terry, Terry.
Terry!
Terry, don't kill him now,
all right?
You know what?
I'm gonna take you
on a tour of the kitchen.
Would you like that --
a tour of the kitchen?
So, here it is.
Great.
We got a walk-in.
We got a couple of microwaves
over there, and stainless steel.
Uh-huh.
Hola.
Oh, yeah, and here's the deep fryer.
Ahh!
Bastard.
Hey, what are you doing back here?
Oh, just giving Terry a tour.
Where's Terry?
Uh, put him
in the deep fryer.
Well, that's good timing,
'cause D.J. Jesús just ordered up a veggie burger.
- Lucy.
- Yes?
- Evil.
- Yes.
Very evil.
I don't feel so good.
I think I'm gonna
I think I'm gonna
[ vomiting ]
CANTALUPI:
Oh, boy.
WOMAN:
[ vomiting ]
CANTALUPI:
The dip -- she poisoned the dip.
WOMAN:
[ vomiting ]
Ew.
Is this a tooth?
[ vomiting ]
FATHER CANTALUPI:
The Devil is a disease
a virus.
He seeks ways to spread
and to replicate.
SATAN:
Okay, you know that lump
I had in my armpit?
BECKY:
Yes.
- I had it removed.
- Terrific.
- Guess what.
- What?
It was a Teratoma.
What's a Teratoma?
A Teratoma is a tumor that grows teeth and hair.
Oh.
It's the most disgusting thing in the world.
Yeah.
And I'd like to introduce you.
Oh!
Becky, this is Terry.
Hello, Becky.
Oh, my god, it talks?
And it sounds like you.
Isn't it great?
Sort of.
Of course it sounds like me,
'cause it's part of me.
It's my genetic material,
but concentrated into, like,
a ball of teeth and hair.
Wow.
Yeah, and I have more hair.
Hey, at least
I don't have a lisp.
[ lisping ]
Do I have a lisp?
Well, I little.
Shut up, Satan.
This is, like, the worst ventriloquist act
I have ever seen.
CANTALUPI:
But the forces of life
can spread, too,
spread like good news.
In this case, the good news
was a young D.J.'s
delightful debut novel
that combined
the Christian allegory
of "The Chronicles of Narnia"
with the folksy wisdom of "Tuesdays with Morrie."
I can't believe you wrote this.
Lucy, nothing in the book is meant to be read literally.
But it is literal.
It's about me and you and things
that we've done together.
Right, but it's not meant to be taken literally.
You changed one letter in my name.
Yes, her name is Lacy,
and she's tall and thin,
which you are not.
Are you trying to hurt me?
Of course not.
Why would I do that?
I love you.
Oh.
You are welcome.
This counsel has chosen to consider the interpretation
of Special Father #1.
Father, have you completed
the book?
Okay, I didn't actually get
a chance to finish the book,
but I'm glad to be here.
I see!
You petitioned for entry
into this order,
but you can't be
bothered to finish the book!
I made the zucchini bread.
Ow!
Mary, please.
Silence!
I am hosting this week.
I make the rules.
Ow!
When you host,
you can do it your way.
Zucchini bread.
[ up-tempo ukulele music plays ]
[ up-tempo ukulele music plays ]
I lit out from Reno ♪
I was trailed by 20 hounds ♪
Didn't get to sleep last night
till the morning came around ♪
Said, "All right, I've got to take my time"
Friend of the Devil is
a friend of mine ♪
If I get home
before daylight ♪
Just might get some sleep
tonight
Hey, Becky.
Hey, Terry.
Yes.
Put it on channel 4.
Not a good time.
Do it.
Fine.
That book is a big problem.
Don't worry about it.
I already posted a bad review
on Amazon.
That's not enough!
Well, what do you want me
to do, Becky?
Maybe I can do something.
[ grunting ]
[ electricity crackles ]
Sure, with her music, with
her clothes, with her attitude.
I'm sorry, there's something
wrong with this mic.
Hello?
Whoa, I just got a shock
from this.
Oh, boy.
[ beep ]
Whoa.
Did you do that, Terry?
Yes.
Did you like that, Becky?
Yeah.
[ laughs ]
[ ukulele music plays ]
CANTALUPI:
The D.J.'s story touched even
more lives than he could reach
with his deep-house
and trans-house music.
And now his book was being made
into a made-for-TV movie,
featuring D.J. Jesús as himself.
Meanwhile, the next book-group meeting was coming up.
Um, I don't know
how to say this,
so I'm just gonna say it.
I think it's best if you don't come to book group.
Oh, is that so?
Wait, there's a book group?
Yeah, sorry.
I just -- I don't know if you're
the right fit for the group.
Like, I think
you're a great guy,
but I just don't know
if it, like, works.
Well, it's funny
you should mention that
because sister Louisa
called me last night.
Oh, she did?
You guys have a book group?
Yes, she did.
She's forming a new group,
and she invited me to join it.
And she asked me to ask you
not to come.
I see.
She was uncomfortable,
I think.
I think you have kind of
amasculine energy
which rubs people
the wrong way.
Masculine?
Well, yes, for a group like that.
They're nuns, but they're still women, you know.
What, do I have a penis?
No, not necessarily.
I don't.
Look.
Looky here.
Well, how do I know it's not
taped behind
I have not tucked a penis
behind my legs.
Okay, fine.
We're getting off point.
Hey, I bet Father Benetti will be in a book club with you.
Okay.
Great.
I think this is how
we can get to him.
They're doing screen tests
today.
These are the actresses.
[ grunts ]
This is hard.
Just relax.
I know you can do it.
[ grunting ]
I'm getting something.
Okay, one last girl today.
Anna Lisa, this is D.J. Jesús.
You'll be reading with him.
Bob, you want to set the scene?
Uh, you're outside
a nightclub, making out,
and it's on fire, but you don't
know that yet.
All right, Anna Lisa, let's, uh,
let's play this one
real close.
And action.
You're an incredible D.J.
I know.
Oh, kiss me.
Yes.
Oh.
[ smooching ]
[ grunting ]
[ telephone rings ]
Damn it.
Oh, it's Satan.
I'll call him back.
You've reached Becky,
the Devil's advocate.
Please leave a message
after the tone
or press zero
to transfer to the operator.
[ grunting ]
God, you're sexy.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
[ grunting ]
- Oh, yeah.
- You like this?
Yeah, don't stop.
Do you?
You like a little of this action?
Mm-hmm.
Kiss me.
Kiss me while you kill the D.J.
- Really?
- Yes.
All right.
[ smooching ]
Are you killing him?
Yeah.
Are you killing him
right now?
Oh, I love these orbs.
Ow.
Ow, ow.
Hey! Ow!
Hey!
I'm killing the D.J.
Are you killing him?
Killing him good.
Kill him.
Kill him faster.
Oh, no.
Kill him harder.
I'm killing him.
Oh, god.
Get her off me.
Get her off me.
[ snarling ]
[ telephone ringing ]
She's not answering.
Probably out at a bar.
Oh, wait, that's me.
Ha.
I'll have another.
Okay.
Hey, listen, I want to talk
to you about something.
Yeah?
You aren't jealous that I've been spending a lot of time
with Terry lately, are you?
Terry, your Teratoma?
Yeah.
No.
Well, here's the deal.
I don't want you to think that
he's replacing you
I don't.
Just because he's been
doing most of the stuff
you're supposed to do.
- He has?
- Yeah.
Like what kind of stuff?
Like work stuff, like for me.
Like making me proud,
which is something
you choose not to do.
Dad, can I tell you something?
Mm-hmm.
I have never seen more of you.
What do you mean?
What does that mean?
I mean since Terry,
I've never seen more of you.
You've been here every day
for, like, two weeks.
Well, I'm -- I'm -- that's because --
I personally think
he's replacing you.
I mean, didn't you used
to have a job?
What?! That's ridiculous, Lucy.
You're just bitter
- I'm not bitter.
that your boyfriend wrote
a best-seller about you
and then dumped you.
It's an allegory.
And he didn't dump me.
He's just been busy with casting
and the film and scouting
locations.
See?
Isn't it perfect?
It's so corny and stupid
and inauthentic.
I mean, you can't fake this.
Oh, hey, Lucy, Lucy 's dad.
So, what do you think?
We're thinking of shooting here.
How do you feel about it?
You want to shoot here?
Yeah, it's perfect for the Tequila Sally scene.
I bet.
I assume you would negotiate
a location fee.
Of course.
That's great.
Lucy, we're gonna have
a movie here.
LUCY:
Yay.
Jesús, uh, I've done a little
bit of acting here and there.
Okay. I didn't know that.
I would love to play myself
in your movie if I could.
I mean, you're gonna shoot here.
I'm gonna be here.
No can do.
Your part is gonna be C.G.
C.G.? That sucks.
Well, you can be an extra.
How about that?
Okay.
I'll talk to budget,
and maybe we can
get you a line.
Give me a line.
Give me a line.
I'll do a line.
Becky, I've been trying to --
Oh, hey, Terry.
Satan.
Were you guys somewhere
together?
- Yeah, we had a meeting.
- No, I was at the gym.
That's weird.
You just said
two different things.
We met about that thing,
and then I went to the gym.
Um, what are you doing here?
We're celebrating.
I happen to have killed the D.J.
What? He's right there.
He's what?
Terry, I thought you said
you killed him.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Let's kill him now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Hold on.
They're gonna shoot
a movie here,
and I'm charging him
a location fee,
and that's gonna
make us a little money,
and I happen to also have a little part in the movie,
so let's wait till after.
[ sighs ]
Fine, fine.
Pfft, great.
Great?
What does "great" mean, Terry?
Is Sister Mary all right?
Was she mad?
No, she seemed okay,
actually.
She even made this for us.
It's her seven-layer dip.
She said you liked it.
I do.
[ grunting ]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Terry, Terry, Terry.
Terry!
Terry, don't kill him now,
all right?
You know what?
I'm gonna take you
on a tour of the kitchen.
Would you like that --
a tour of the kitchen?
So, here it is.
Great.
We got a walk-in.
We got a couple of microwaves
over there, and stainless steel.
Uh-huh.
Hola.
Oh, yeah, and here's the deep fryer.
Ahh!
Bastard.
Hey, what are you doing back here?
Oh, just giving Terry a tour.
Where's Terry?
Uh, put him
in the deep fryer.
Well, that's good timing,
'cause D.J. Jesús just ordered up a veggie burger.
- Lucy.
- Yes?
- Evil.
- Yes.
Very evil.
I don't feel so good.
I think I'm gonna
I think I'm gonna
[ vomiting ]
CANTALUPI:
Oh, boy.
WOMAN:
[ vomiting ]
CANTALUPI:
The dip -- she poisoned the dip.
WOMAN:
[ vomiting ]
Ew.
Is this a tooth?
[ vomiting ]