Mating Season (2026) s01e05 Episode Script

1
-[mellow music playing]
-[indistinct chatter and laughter]
I'm thinking about having my toes removed.
Shut up! Me too!
-They make my feet look so busy.
-If you do it, I'll do it.
-Should we do it together?
-Yes.
Ugh, they're so perfect.
Who? Those idiots?
Yeah. The Pretty Little Foxes.
Look at them.
They're shiny and soft and gorgeous.
Oh, I get it.
One time, they all looked at me,
and then they leaned in,
and then they giggled.
-Wow!
-And I jerk off to that.
Can you please pick better people
to torture yourself over?
Those girls are so vapid.
God, I wish I were vapid.
Life would be so easy.
Please, you think your life is hard?
I have to wake up butt-ass early
and go to my friend Meredith's house
to look at her baby.
-I think you mean meet her baby?
-Ugh, whatever!
-I don't know all the mommy lingo.
-Okay.
Meredith used to be so much fun
before she had a kid.
We used to get drunk
and shit in gopher holes.
-[Josh] Aww!
-And now she's all, "Hashtag boy mom."
-The worst.
-Guys! I got the most amazing news!
My mommy is coming to town for my B-day.
But your birthday was seven months ago.
Yeah, well, Josh,
she's coming to town for the day
she thinks is my birthday. [laughs]
Oof! Ray, that's…
…incredibly sad.
What? What's sad?
That I get to have two birthdays?
-[Josh] Ugh.
-Well, I can't wait to meet the lady
who made Ray into
the damaged piece of toast he is today.
Oh! She's the best.
-Look, Ray, Just remember--
-What? Just say it, Josh.
Well, ever since we were little kids,
your mom's always found
a way to let you down.
She was a free spirit.
She infused my childhood
with magic and whimsy!
She let me go over to your house
whenever I wanted,
and she doted on me
like I was a little prince.
I'm baking you a trash and tuna
birthday cake because I love you!
-[chuckling]
-That's not what happened.
Okay, so you have a different
recollection of the events?
I really do.
All right, well, then,
by all means, friend.
[Josh] You had to move in with my family
because your mom ran off to Vegas
with a magician's rabbit.
[Ray] I don't remember that.
I'm, uh, going out for cake or something.
-Yeah, be back soon.
-[poof]
And when she said she'd be "back soon,"
she meant a year later
and almost blind with syphilis.
-Yikes.
-You know what, Josh?
-What? Ahh!
-I'll fucking kill you!
["Fooled Around and Fell in Love"
by Elvin Bishop playing]
Fooled around and fell in love ♪
I fooled around and fell in love ♪
I fooled around and fell in love ♪
I fooled around and fell in love ♪
[song fading]
My mama G is coming!
She's coming to town! ♪
My expectations are up
And my defenses are down! ♪
Yo! Hey, hey, paws off the merchandise!
What's the big deal?
You have, like, 16 combs.
I have 18 combs, but if you take one,
then I've only got 17.
I don't want my mom to think that
I'm some kind of loser with only 17 combs.
You know, you're working really hard
to impress someone
who once tried to eat you.
Gina is bad news.
-Did somebody say bad news?
-[sexy music playing]
Hiya, boys.
-Va va voom!
-Ah…
Did you just "va va voom" your own mom?
-Yeah!
-Mom? Ew! Call me Gina.
Ray, do you hear her?
She's repulsed by the idea of motherhood.
Get in here, Gina. Give me some sugies.
Ahh! Careful, my face. I just got Beetox.
Oop, sorry. Looks fantastic, by the way.
Oh-ho! Wait a second, Greasy.
Is all this yours?
Yes, ma'am.
18 combs? What an impressive amount.
Better than 17, huh?
You are doing so well, my good boy.
Good boy?
That's a boy who's good. That's me.
In fact, maybe I should crash
with you while I'm in town.
Really? You don't want
to shack up with some guy?
Ray, look around, baby. You are some guy.
Oh, nummy nummy, mummy luh-me!
Gina, if you're staying here,
maybe I should pick up some groceries.
You know, just so you don't get hungry
and then try to eat Ray again, your son.
Josh, I swear to God.
No, no, no. He's right.
I made mistakes in the past.
What? No, never!
But I've done a lot of growing
in the last year,
and now I want to do better
for my little Ray Ray.
Ugh, you're not buying this, are you?
Hook, line, and stinker.
And I'd like to start making it up to you
by throwing a big birthday party!
-Ho-ho-ho!
-It's not even his birthday.
Josh, you sound insane!
-[chuckles] Mom?
-Uh-uh-uh, "Gina."
Gina, just you being here
is music to my balls.
But a party? That's incredible.
You shouldn't experience your relationship
to your mom in your balls, Ray.
-Okay, Freud, get a room.
-With myself?
-[expectant music playing]
-Okay, here we go.
-Aww! Look who's here!
-Hi.
[in silly voice] Oh, it's Auntie Fawn!
Only 20 minutes late.
-[laughing]
-[laughs nervously] Sorry, I overslept.
Okay, jealous! Come on in.
Sorry it's so messy.
This is messy? Oh, fuck you.
-What's that?
-I said you're glowing!
I know! It's incredible.
I don't even know who I was
before I birthed this little miracle.
-You want to hold Luca?
-Oh! Okay, he's here.
-Look at you holding that baby.
-Um, he's trying to--
When are you gonna settle down,
Miss Thang?
Yeah, it's kinda rough out there.
Ugh, thank God I met Keith.
If I had to date again,
I would honestly kill myself.
-Okay.
-Like, crossbow to my temple.
-Bang, tomato soup everywhere.
-Um, yeah, no, totally!
-[Meredith] Aww, he's flirting!
-[hesitatingly] Okay.
-Speaking of, have you been seeing anyone?
-Hmm.
I kinda dated this gay moose.
Oh, no! Gay moose?
Yeah, and before that I hooked up
with one of my dad's friends.
[merrily] Ew! Do more!
Actually, this is bad, but I let
this weird owl go down on me,
and now he won't leave
me and my friends alone.
[squealing wildly] You're such a hot mess!
I love it so much!
Hot… Hot mess?
-Oopsie! Mom brain.
-[laughs nervously]
I just meant you have no responsibilities
and nothing you do matters, you know?
I'm sorry, Mer, I…
This thing is like really
trying to bite my tits.
Aww!
Time for snackies and nappies, mister.
-Yeah.
-It was so good to see you.
Wait-- I just got here.
Nap time is sacred.
-You'll understand one day.
-Okay.
But for now,
just enjoy having nothing and no one.
[softly] Oh my God.
Is my life bad?
[Keith] Hey, babe, I'm gonna shower.
Is your sad friend
with the bad life gone yet?
[loudly] Leaving now. Bye, Keith.
[Keith] Bye, Fawn.
For Louisiana raccoons,
the real Mardi Gras is the day after.
-Ho-ho-ho!
-Nothing but garbage, beads, and ass.
-A heady mix.
-[laughs] Oh, yeah! Sounds stinky.
Maybe that'll be the theme
for your party, Ray. Mardi Gras.
-Wow!
-We can all show our tits.
The venue does need a head count.
Uh, Gina, where are we on the RSVPs?
I always threw you the best parties,
didn't I?
Remember your eighth birthday, baby?
I do. I remember, but you tell them.
[Gina] I threw you
a whole Ninja Turtles party.
With turtle cupcakes and turtle streamers.
I even got the real Ninja Turtles
to show up!
Cowabunga, dude!
-Italian food!
-That's not what happened.
[Josh] I threw the party.
I baked the cupcakes,
and those weren't the Ninja Turtles, Gina.
They were the Yakuza Turtles
because you owed them money.
Run, Mom, run!
They made Ray work
as an indentured hibachi chef
for all of third grade!
Yeah, and now I do the best
onion volcano in the whole forest.
What can you do, Josh?
-Besides being a grade-A asshole bummer.
-[Ray and Penelope chuckling]
-You know, Fawn?
-[sighs] Huh? What?
In my culture, we laugh
when something's fucking hilarious.
Sorry, it's just my friend who's like
this super mom called me a "hot mess."
Ooh.
It's got me second guessing
all my life choices.
-Hey! [slaps]
-Ow! What the fuck?
You listen to me!
Your boring friend is jealous of you.
Ah! She is?
-She hates you for your freedoms!
-She does?
This whole world's
gonna try to make you boring.
-[spits] I live my life by one motto.
-[Josh] Ugh!
-[rock music playing]
-[Fawn] "Stay Pyco"?
No, "Stay Psycho!" What'd they write?
Fawn, don't listen to Gina!
She just spit on the floor
and slapped you.
Fawn, tonight at Ray's party, you and me,
we're gonna go tits out
to celebrate the fact that you're free!
[confidently] Yeah! I'm not boring!
I'm gonna go tits out for freedom!
Ha-ha-ha!
[laughing] Okay, you're literally
the funniest fox I've ever met.
Yeah, but I'm also really hot.
Ooh! For the party, could I maybe
invite the Pretty Little Foxes?
Who are the Pretty Little Foxes?
They're these perfect, celestial beings,
and I want to be just like them.
Foxy, you don't wanna be
like those manicured bimbos.
-You wanna fuck 'em.
-Ugh, come on!
You think everybody
wants to sleep with everybody.
No, no, no! She's right.
I do want to fuck them,
but they're totally out of my league.
You know what you need?
-[laughing suggestively] Oh, Gina, don't!
-But do.
-I'm gonna teach you The Thing.
What's… The Thing?
Oh, it's my mom's patented
seduction technique that always works.
Mmm-hmm! Every time.
Okay! I like those odds.
Okay, everybody's got their plan.
I'm gonna teach Foxy The Thing.
-She's gonna get laid.
-I like the plan!
-And Fawn's gonna go tits out.
-That's right, all six of them.
Do I have the best mommy or what?
-Anything else we need to plan?
-[angrily] The entire party!
-[mockingly] The entire party!
-And she does voices?
That is exactly what you sound like.
You handle the party, Josh,
and I'll be in charge of being awesome.
Um, one hunter piñata, please.
Hey, Ray, um, can you get the door?
I've got some napkin swatches to look at.
-[Gina angrily] Oh! Oh shit!
-Who's in there?
-[Gina] Get the hell out of here!
-Gina? What's going on?
-Oh! Hi, Josh.
-Ahh!
Sorry, uh,
I didn't know you'd be in a towel.
I wasn't expecting you.
Oh good! Thank you.
Um, is there a coyote in there?
Nope, just me.
Ray's out scavenging by the highway.
[sniffing] Hello?
Anyone in here?
Is there something I can help you with?
I don't know what's going on, Gina,
but I know you're up to something.
-And I don't want Ray to get hurt again.
-Excuse you? I'm his mother.
-I don't want him to get hurt either!
-[bang]
Ahh! What was that?
You don't like me, do you?
I have made no secret of that.
No, I do not like you.
I always thought you were cute, Josh,
but you really filled out.
-You're so girthy.
-[sensual music playing]
Where is this conversation going?
I don't know, honey.
-Where do you want it to go?
-[objects rattling]
[Josh laughs nervously]
Mrs. Ray's mom,
you're trying to seduce me, aren't you?
[sniffing] Mmm!
You smell like bark.
Ugh! No, I can't! This is wrong.
Nobody has to know, baby.
We'll both sign NDAs.
I haven't been touched in so long.
Come on, give yourself over to me.
Oh, you're so skittery.
-Trust me, I'm great at this.
-No!
Mrs. Ray's mom,
please, I gotta get out of here.
Your loss, buddy!
I would have emptied you out so hard,
your head would have caved in.
[Josh] Why would I want that?
[Ray] Okay, uh…
All right, got a cake stand,
party hats, Mardi Gras beads.
Just need to find some jambalaya.
Num, num, num, num--
-Ray! Ray!
-Ahh!
Jesus Christ, Josh, you can't yell at me
when I'm in the trance.
-Sorry.
-I could lose my mind!
That's what happened to Randy Quaid.
It's just there was somebody
in your house with your mom.
-Then she lied about it.
-Josh.
And there was a towel,
and then no towel, thank God,
but she was being very shady.
-Why do you always have to do this?
-Do what?
You know, try to yuck my yum with Gina.
I'm not trying to yuck your yum,
I'm trying to protect you.
Well, who asked you?
I never see my mom! Let me enjoy it!
Look, Ray, I really didn't
want to have to tell you this, but…
Your mom, she tried to seduce me.
-You fuck my mom?
-What? No, of course not!
Oh! So what are you saying?
You too good to fuck my mom?
-What is wrong with you? Ow!
-You should be so lucky, friend!
-The things she could teach you!
-Yeah, like how incredible penicillin is?
-Yeah!
-Oh my God! Ray, she is a bad mom!
-Well, you are a bad friend!
-Oh!
-Well, you're a fool!
-Oh, really?
Well, then you're not invited
to my birthday party.
Good, I don't want
to go to a fool's birthday party!
Good, because I don't want you there!
Well, good luck planning
this event without me,
because the caterer is
an absolute nightmare to deal with!
Foxy, I must warn you,
The Thing is not to be trifled with.
[laughs nervously]
Gina, you're kinda scaring me.
You should be scared!
What I'm about to teach you has been
passed down from harlot to hussy.
-Hussy to skank.
-Oh! Skank?
-Skank to ho-bag.
-Wow.
-Are you ready?
-I… I think so. I might not be.
We begin.
-First, you flop face down, ass up.
-[raunchy music playing]
Uh, that feels aggressive.
Then you flick your tail around
to draw their attention.
That's kinda nice.
Then and only then do you point
straight down to the hole in your butt.
And what's that supposed to--
[gasps] Oh my God! Sweet heaven!
-Nummy, nummy, mummy, luh-me.
-[choral music playing]
-[Gina] Foxy! Foxy!
-Huh? What's up?
You got your nose in my ass.
Yeah, I do.
Works every time.
And here we are.
Stupid Ray. Stupid party.
Mmm! Yummy soup! Stupid Gina.
Josh, maybe you should look
at things from Ray's perspective.
-What, like perverted and short?
-He's a very proud raccoon.
He's an obnoxious little jerk.
Okay, what if someone told you
I was a piece of shit?
Well, I'd say "bad evening"
instead of "good morning"
because I'd be living
in a crazy upside-down world.
-Josh.
-[sighing]
-It would bother me.
-That's right, because you love me.
-Because you're my mom.
-And Gina is Ray's mom.
-But--
-I know, she's selfish, unreliable.
-She once lost him in a poker game!
-She did.
That poor boy is starving for her love
and she barely gives him scraps
so he takes what he can get.
And I guess when all you get is scraps,
it feels like a whole meal?
Exactly!
Gina might be a two-foot nightmare
who stains the couch when she sits on it,
but she's still his mom.
And I've spent the last two days
telling him how terrible she is.
-Yeah.
-[sighs] Oh, man. I really messed up.
Yeah, I'm sure you did.
You ready to go to the party, Ellen?
I heard the theme is "tits out."
You guys are going? Does the caterer know?
Tanya is incredibly rigid
about the head count!
This next song goes out to Roy.
Get your paws up, fam.
Gina, I love this place!
This is the club
where Goofy shot his nephew, right?
-Allegedly.
-Here.
Make a wish, baby!
What else could I wish for?
I'm already spending my birthday
with the hottest mommy in the forest.
Oh, that's me, baby.
[eats sparkler] Ooh, spicy.
Hey, where's Josh?
Who cares about loser Josh?
I'm just happy
to be celebrating with my mom.
Me too! Can I buy you a drink, Gina?
Or some jewelry?
Or a sweater that says "Penelope"?
Hey, Fawn, have you noticed?
No fucking babies in here, right?
Hell, yeah! We're going tits out!
[yelling] For freedom!
-Viva la tits!
-[both] Whoo!
Okay, okay, I'm just gonna say,
"Ray, I was a jerk."
"I'm sorry, and I should have had sex
with your mom for our friendship."
What the…
Is that the coyote from Ray's apartment?
Oh, man, what do I do?
Apologize to Ray or follow that coyote?
Or go to grad school?
No! No, that's way too much work!
Follow that coyote.
-To Greasy!
-To Greasy.
The only good boy in my life.
[gasps] Good boy, that's me!
[clears throat] Excuse me, uh,
could I buy you ladies a drink?
Ugh! There's no hot guys here.
This sucks!
I really wanted to get effed tonight.
Yeah, every guy here should be drowned.
Okay.
I told my therapist I'd talk to someone,
so that's a win for me.
-Foxy, it's time.
-I don't know if I'm ready.
Trust your training.
[chuckles] Okay! Here we go.
-Flop! Oh, fuck! Shit! My bad!
-[table smashing]
Is she talking to us?
-Okay, step two, flick! Oops!
-Hey!
Um, what is she doing?
And point!
-Ew.
-What the fuck?
-Oh my God!
-[choral music playing]
Holy shit, it worked! Is this ethical?
-Whoo! This is my jam!
-[club music playing in background]
That's how you go tits out.
Oh, yeah! My tits are out!
Yeah, they are!
-But they are not for baby!
-No way!
These are not working tits!
-Those are fun tits!
-Yeah!
That's what
your boring friend doesn't get!
Her tits are all blech!
You should go tell her that!
Yeah! I'm gonna go shove
my fun tits in her mom-ass face!
Yeah, baby!
Hey, Ellen, do that thing where you touch
my butt and make it sound like it's hot!
-[Ellen giggles] Tsss!
-Oh yeah!
[chanting] Robbie's got a hot ass!
[whispers] All right, coyote,
what's your game?
Huh! I was right!
A dastardly deed is afoot!
-Hey, man! No way!
-What?
I said, fuck you!
-Did you? I don't think you did.
-Uh, I thought it. I think I thought it.
How 'bout you mind your own business?
You are my business, Buster.
Ray's my friend, and I'm not gonna let you
steal his precious garbage.
-All right, all right, you caught me.
-What?
I feel so ashamed.
-I guess I should just, uh… stay psycho!
-[rock music playing]
[thrilling music playing]
[roaring]
Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this.
Me neither! Genuinely.
I was never that into you,
but then you did that butthole thing.
Yeah, The Thing.
I learned it from a very powerful ho-bag.
Flop. Flick. Point.
-Uh, are you okay?
-What?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, big time.
-[Gina sensually] Penelope…
-[whispers] Gina.
-Jordan!
-[sensual music playing]
[Gina] Foxy, I warned you.
Jordan, I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I can't hook up with you.
What? Why not?
I'm in love with someone else's butthole.
But I'm in love with your butthole!
I know. It's The Thing.
It works every time.
[thrilling music resumes]
[loud clang]
[roaring]
-[loud clang]
-What is happening?
Why does Ray have so many anvils?
Give up, asshole! I gotta be out of here
before the fake party's over.
Okay, yeah, you're right.
I guess I should just, uh…
-Stay psycho!
-[rock music plays]
-What the…
-[wind whistling]
[loud crash]
[piano ditty plays]
[slurs drunkenly] Ugh! Meredith!
Meredith!
Fawn? What are you doing?
[slurring] I came to tell you
that these are fun tits,
and your tits are all blech.
I'm sorry, you woke me up
to tell me my tits are blech?
-Yeah!
-[Luca crying]
-Ugh! God damn it, he just went down.
-[crying continues]
-Also, Gina says hot mess is good.
-Who's Gina?
And you're the one with the shitty life
with your dud kid and your busted husband.
-Hold on, what?
-Keith, get the damn baby!
-Okay!
-Hi, Keith.
-Hi, Fawn.
-You were her second choice for husband.
-[man 1 groans] What the hell?
-[man 2] I think it's Antifa!
Fawn, you're making a scene.
That's right, everyone. I make scenes.
[retching] Because I'm a hot me--
[vomiting loudly]
[Josh groans] Huh? What? No!
No, not Ray's combs!
He has such an impressive number!
-[chuckling] Not anymore he don't.
-[Gina] What a party!
[Ray] Yeah!
Thanks for letting me pick up the tab.
-Oh shit, they're back!
-Hey! What the hell is this?
[unconvincingly] Yeah! Who are you?
And why are you taking all Ray's stuff?
[laughing] Oh, stop the charade, Gina!
-What?
-These two are in cahoots.
I've never seen this coyote
before in my life.
The party was to get you
out of the house so they could rob you.
You're insane!
Who do I believe, my perfect mom
or some dumb shit, slouchy, no-dick loser?
Look, Ray, whether you believe me or not,
I owe you an apology.
Gina's your mom,
and you get to love her however you want.
I'm sorry that I was such an asshole.
See? He admits it. He's an asshole.
[sighs] Yeah.
Oof magoof, this is a lot to process.
-[sighs] You know what, Ma?
-What is it, Ray Ray?
-I really do love you, but…
-But what?
-I think I actually believe him.
-Oh, thank God.
Ah, shit, you got me.
I'm fucking this coyote,
and we're fucking you over,
because, well, we're fucked.
We're in deep with
this scary buffalo up in… Buffalo.
We need to pay up by Saturday
or they're gonna chop my tits off.
And her tits are fun.
Oh, man, they are so fun.
Ah, shit, you know what?
-Ah, take the stuff.
-Ray, are you sure?
Yeah, she might be a liar, and a thief,
and she may have tried to eat me…
-Oh! And I sold one of your kidneys.
-But she's still your mom.
Yeah, that's right.
I love my stuff, but I love my mom more.
Ha! What a rube.
He's not a rube. He's my good boy.
-You hear that? Good boy.
-Aww.
[sniffling] That's me.
A boy who's good.
-[vomiting]
-[Luca crying]
Meredith, why is your toilet so small?
That's the baby's toilet.
It's for potty training.
-Am I in the bathroom?
-You are not.
Hey, Mer, where are the diapers?
In the fucking diaper drawer.
Where do you think?
I'm doing my best!
Oh, no, I ruined your whole life.
Everything is so shitty now.
Fawn, this is what
my home looks like 99% of the time.
Huh?
That little "domestic bliss"
thing you saw earlier?
That was all an act.
We had to time Luca's nap perfectly,
feed him just enough
that he wouldn't be fussy,
then we shoved
all the dirty dishes in the closet,
and Keith sprayed
my whole body with dry shampoo.
Wow, Mer,
I thought you were just like that.
-I am definitely not like that.
-Oh.
I'm sorry I tried to make you think I was.
Well, I'm sorry I barfed,
and that I woke up your baby,
and for saying your tits are blech,
and I feel like there's more.
You said my kid was a dud,
and my husband's busted.
Right. And I'm sorry
for saying you were jealous.
-I just miss being friends with you.
-I miss you too!
And you're right. I am jealous of you.
-You're jealous of what, my freedoms?
-Yeah!
That's why I need you out there
being a hot mess for all of us!
Honestly, I think I'm good
being a "cold neat" for a while.
This night has been exhausting.
Auntie Fawn?
-Oh my God, his first words!
-Really?
-No, I'm fucking with you.
-[both laughing]
-[vomiting]
-Oh no, I barfed.
-[Luca] I barfed.
-Oh.
-[wistful music playing]
-[Ray] Oh…
Easy come, easy go. Goodbye, stuff.
Goodbye, Ray.
Never lose that sparkle.
You too, Gina.
-You can call me Mom.
-[sighs]
-I really do love you, you know?
-Yeah, I know, Mom.
Wait! Gina, don't go!
Penelope, she has to go.
But you have bewitched me, body and soul!
Yeah, that'll happen.
Can you believe
this guy didn't want to fuck me?
-You didn't fuck Gina?
-Sorry!
I'll kill you!
-[growls]
-[Josh] Ow!
[chuckling] Works every time.
[wistful music continues]
Gina out!
Hey, you okay, buddy?
Ah, I don't know.
I mean, I'd give my mom anything.
I just didn't think
I'd have to give her everything.
-Well, not everything.
-[gasps]
A comb! Joshy!
Yeah, I swiped it
when they weren't looking.
I learned all about scavenging
from my best friend.
-Best friend! That's me, right?
-Yeah.
-[both chuckling]
-Well, thanks, Josh.
I mean, if I was gonna save one comb,
this would not have been
the one I would have saved, but no.
Josh, this is… this is great.
You know, for someone
with such a complicated mom,
you really are a good boy.
That's me, a boy who's good.
["That's What Friends Are For"
by Dionne Warwick playing]
Happy birthday, Ray.
-It's not really my birthday.
-I know.
-[song continues]
-Keep smiling, keep shining ♪
Knowin' you can always count on me ♪
For sure ♪
That's what friends are for ♪
For good times and bad times ♪
I'll be on your side forever more ♪
That's what friends are for ♪
[song continues in background]
[song fades]