Single Drunk Female (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

- Surprise!
- Happy six months sober.
- Happy tenth birthday, young Dan.
- Is that
the cake that's been in the
display case for four months?
It is, which means
you've been sober longer than
this cake has been
alive. How cool is that?
Just bl-blow out the
candle. It's symbolic.
- Yay.
- Yes, all right.
Well, thanks for inviting me
to whatever this was,
but got to get this back to the bakery
before they realize it's gone.
- Bye, Doris.
- Okay.
Great job.
What's with the mood?
We throw you a surprise party,
- you can't even muster a thank you?
- Sorry, rough morning.
Care to elaborate?
Yeah, I'm not sure it's an
appropriate conversation
- to have with you.
- Well, nothing's off-limits.
Okay. I heard my mom
doing it with Bob this morning.
They're still together.
Wow, good for Carol.
That's not the point.
The point is I was jealous
she was getting laid, okay?
If I don't see some action soon,
this whole area's gonna
break off and drift out to sea.
Six months sober
is when it happened for me, too.
Your privates sacrificed
themselves to the tide?
No, I started to feel my body again.
You're just emerging
from sobriety survival mode.
In the beginning, your body's like,
"Don't drink. I want to drink.
Don't drink. I want to drink."
But you're not a walking
nervous system anymore,
you've settled in for the long haul,
and all the normal feelings
are coming back, like
"I am craving Flamin' Hot Cheetos" or
"I'm horny as hell."
I am horny as hell.
Yeah.
I-I don't I don't know
if he wants to hear about it.
Listen, I can't help you find someone,
but you're coming to
my sober dance party, right?
I mean, dancing, there's
gonna be a deejay,
you can burn off
some of that excess energy.
Really appreciate the invitation, but
I'm trying to get laid.
Well, historically, there's
been a lot of meet-cutes
at the Pellegrino table.
Uh, you know what,
if it's okay with you,
I think I'm gonna shoot
my shot elsewhere.
- Mm.
- I've been laying a lot of groundwork,
I'm pretty sure I can seal the deal.
Wow. Confident.
Oh, yeah. You should have
seen me back in the day,
it was like
I was really good at it.
I was.
No, seriously.
Oliv
So, how's-how's work going?
We have a IPO coming up.
But we don't have
a money-making strategy,
so work's been a bit of a shit show.
But I have that
- you know, the sobriety app, right?
- Oh, the app, yeah.
Yeah. Showing a bit
of interest with investors
and all that stuff, so that's cool.
If anything, I can use it
as a safety net, right?
My ch-my chest, I
don't think isn't supposed
to feel like this. Can
we stop for a second?
Yeah. Sure, sure. Uh,
let's go stretch or something.
- Oh, it's nice to sit.
- Yeah.
You know, I, um, I heard the other day
that exercise increases your libido.
Isn't that weird?
Sure. It's weird. Where'd you hear that?
Oh, this, like, new podcast
I've been listening to.
Old Cosmos. Um
It's really hot out,
isn't it? Oh, my God.
Hey, do you ever get, like
like, really sore right here?
Yeah, yeah. I have a stretch for that.
- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.
- You stand up?
- Yeah.
So so, you just,
like, cross your legs.
- Yeah.
- Right? Put your left leg over here,
and your right leg, and
then you just lean in
Whoa.
"Whoa" good or "whoa" bad? What is
Oh, it's it's bad, isn't it?
'cause you're kind of, like,
standing way far away from me now.
Sam. Come on, we can't do this.
I know it's a rule, but it's not like
it's enforceable by law, okay?
You're too new. You know?
We act on anything, we can endanger
your sobriety. You only have six months.
- You know what?
- Yeah?
- I can, like, feel the rejection.
- Mm.
In my stomach. It hurts
really bad. No, I'm not okay.
You okay? You okay?
Why did you let me go jogging
so many times? I'm not a jogger.
I mean, I couldn't tell
that you weren't a jogger.
I'm so sorry.
Listen, we're on different
timelines, you know?
If we were both newcomers, then
this would have wound up
very differently.
Please don't do that. Okay? Seriously?
The, like, rejecting me
and then saying maybe. It
- I don't like it. It's not good.
- Okay.
Uh you're right.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that.
Well, let me just draw a hard line.
- We pals?
- Shh.
Yeah. Let's do it.
Got to walk the gra
Okay, all right.
You're good. You're
Oh, forget that dude. You know what?
He's probably a serial killer.
Not everyone who doesn't sleep
with me is a serial killer.
Also, if he were a serial
killer I'm pretty sure
he'd want to bang me first.
Yeah, you're probably right.
It's okay, though. Hey,
let me see your phone.
Let's get on the apps.
We're getting you laid tonight.
Let me see what we're working with here.
Okay, so, clearly, it's been a minute.
I crush it on Tinder.
And in my experience,
men like it when you say
you give free haircuts
and you're not looking for
a father for your kid.
Yeah, I don't think
those really apply to me.
Right. Well, what are you looking for?
You still into guys and girls?
Yeah, pretty much anybody.
As long as they're not vegan.
Oh.
- Who is this?
- What? Let me see.
No judgement.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
So I slept with some
really disgusting people.
Hey, don't focus
on who was in your vag.
Focus on who's gonna
be in your vag, right?
All right, let's take some new pics.
- Right now?
- Mm-hmm.
Lose the sundae.
Sit over there.
Mm-hmm.
Legs up. Like a little bunny.
Okay.
Hmm.
Okay.
Hold this. Pretend
like you're reading it.
Or I could actually read
it. I know how to read.
Oh, great. That'll make it look
much more natural.
Okay, ready? Here we go.
Sober Sam. On the prowl.
Yes, baby.
Look at her.
She's a real lady.
She sits like a lady and
reads thick-ass books.
Yes. Yes, my Jewish jaguar.
The next train to
board will be a high-capacity train.
- Brit?
- Oh, my God. Mrs. Fink.
Carol. Hi.
It feels like it's been 50 years.
Oh!
- And you look so beautiful.
- Oh.
But a little tired.
Are you just getting off?
I'm actually on my way in.
Uh, how are you?
I'm good. And, um, Samantha
- is back.
- Yeah, I know.
- That must be nice.
- It is what it is.
You must be getting so excited.
For the wedding. It's,
what, just a few months away.
Oh. Oh, my God,
yeah. Ah. We get so
bogged down with planning,
sometimes I forget to get
excited, but we are.
I'm so happy for you.
That Joel is a lucky duck.
You're a star, always been a star.
Thank you.
Do you ever think
I probably shouldn't say this, but
It's a little strange the
way you two met, right?
What?
Don't get me wrong,
it's completely natural.
You and Joel bonded
over the shared trauma
of taking care of her.
I'm I know it's
uncomfortable that we're
- we dated the same guy.
- No.
No, I'm so happy for you two.
No, Joel was not
the right person for Samantha.
I never liked them together.
- Really?
- Yes. Oh.
You you remember Sam in high school.
Of course. You two were inseparable.
And I remember thinking
at the time, "She needs a deep thinker."
Someone who can engage with her,
which is so not Joel.
Because
Samantha was gonna stay
in New York after college,
so she needed to meet that person
in New York.
Uh, clearly, Joel has
a great head on his shoulders.
Attention, passengers.
Are you taking the Orange Line?
Okay. This dude won't even
know what hit him.
- Yeah, what's his name again?
- Brian. I picked him out
especially for you, he's perfect.
He's married to his
job, so he has no time
for a relationship,
just the sexy fun times.
Oh, and I saw a plant in his pictures.
Fiddle-leaf fig. The dream.
Yeah, it might not have been
a good idea to put you
- in charge of my sex life.
- Hey. You got this, all right?
Just remember to order something sexy.
Well, it's a coffee shop, so
Whole milk cappuccino, extra foam.
It'll send the right message.
Hey, don't over a
macchiato. That's butt stuff.
So, basically,
I try to determine what
the stock market's gonna do
tomorrow and the day after that,
and the day after that.
That's why they call it futures.
Ah. So you have, like,
a crystal ball or something?
Is that Oh, that was a joke, right?
Yeah. Yeah, it was.
I knew it.
Yeah.
This place is nice.
It is. Yeah, yeah, it's-it's good.
Yeah, I assumed
you were a big coffee head
since you wanted to
meet at a coffee shop.
Oh. Yeah, no. I'm, uh, I'm sober.
Oh, wow. Me too.
I mean, not sober sober, but, you know,
I can't have more than three a
night since I turned 30, so
Hi. Just wanted to let you know
we're closing in ten minutes.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Oof. That flew by.
- It did, didn't it? Yeah.
- Yeah.
You want to go back to your apartment?
What?
Do you want to go
back to your apartment?
Wow. Okay. I mean, yeah. Yeah?
Uh, sorry, I just got to
re-frame you know,
you think late-afternoon coffee date,
that's a tight hug at most.
But, uh, yes. I Let's do it.
- So, yes?
- Mm-hmm.
Cool. Okay, let's do it.
- Nice place.
- Thanks.
It's really, um brown.
Sorry, I'm just, uh,
trying to loosen up. Uh,
I'm kind of a planner, so when things
happen unexpected, I get
a little, you know, nervous.
- Would you like some?
- No, I'm
- sober.
- Right. Shit.
You told me that. I'm sorry.
I can get you something else.
Um I have
two percent milk, water
I'm fine.
Do you want to go to the couch?
You're so pretty.
Oh, thank-thank you.
- I got it.
- Me too. Um
Just Hands are a little sweaty.
Just gonna get in there. Yeah.
Whoa. Yeah, there's vodka in that.
Yeah. Um,
- I'm gonna just get some
- Uh, you know what?
- So sorry. Um, I have to run.
- You're gonna go?
Yeah, thank you so
much for the cappuccino.
I just um, I have a thing.
I-I'd still love to get
coffee again sometime.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Hey, sorry you had to come get me.
What happened?
The shop is officially
closed for business.
By shop you mean your vagina?
What else could I possibly mean?
All right, don't get all Sad Sam
on me. This was your first try.
Let me see. You got
to have more matches.
No.
- Oh.
- Doesn't matter. I'm giving up.
Hey, you
Oh, hey, buttface just texted you.
Hmm.
"Hey. Sorry for sending
you mixed signals.
Come to the dance party. It'll be fun."
We haven't looked this cute
in a while. I mean
you haven't looked this cute
in a while.
- I do look kind of cute.
- You look super cute.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Your shift go okay?
- Yeah, nothing too traumatic.
That's good. Hey, come here for a sec.
- Yeah.
- So
I've been researching some
readings for the ceremony,
and I thought Sasha could do
this one from Le Petit Prince.
In French or English.
Or both, if you want.
Might be kind of fun to do both.
Yeah, I don't know.
- Y-You don't like it?
- Well, you know, it's just
very first thought. Um basic.
'Cause, you know, I've seen it
at, like, a gajillion weddings.
Well, yeah, 'cause it's a classic.
Well, it's a kid's book, Joel.
Okay. I mean, it was
on, like, ten wedding websites
as one of the best readings, but fine,
I guess.
Yeah, well, you're
kind of proving my point.
And I mean,
when's the last time you read a book?
- What?
- I mean,
when was the last time you read a book?
Look, I'm-I'm just saying
maybe if you read more,
you might have different ideas.
Okay, I-I read, Brit.
I mean, maybe not books you can
quote from at weddings.
- That's not what I'm saying.
- Well, then what are you saying?
'Cause it's not like I
see you coming home
and curling up with War and Peace.
It's like, when's the last time
you've read a book?
I'm a doctor. I don't
have time to joy read.
Yeah, well, I don't have a lot
of free time right now, either,
all right? I go to work
and then I come home and spend
every single spare minute
planning our wedding.
Look, this is coming out really wrong.
Well, I got some work to do, okay?
Come in. Why not?
- Hey.
- Hi.
Whoa! You have a wicked nice house.
Thank you so much.
I would offer you a drink, but
I'm not going to,
because that's the whole deal.
Technically not sober, but when in Rome.
Yeah. I just can't abstain
because my wife invited, like,
a million people to stomp
on our brand-new wood floors.
And this is biodynamic, so it basically
doesn't actually count as alcohol.
Anyway, make yourselves at home,
enjoy the snacks and water.
Don't stomp on the floor.
Yeah.
Hey. You came.
I'm gonna go check out the water table.
Glad you made it.
Mostly for selfish reasons.
I can chill and stop watching the door.
Oh, oh, is that something
that friends do
you wait anxiously for the other
friend to show up to a party?
Want to dance? Is that okay to ask?
Uh you know, I think
I'm gonna ease my way into it.
I'm not totally sure how my body moves
without a gin and tonic
coursing through its system,
so maybe later.
Well, take your time.
Sam.
I'm so glad you came.
Hey. I don't think I've ever
seen you without a middle part.
- You look good.
- Oh.
- I do, don't I?
- Yeah.
Well, you weren't joking
this is a legitimate rager.
I told you, I don't
joke about serious stuff
- like parties.
- Mm.
So?
- So, what?
- Your presence here
indicates that your grand plan
to smush tush was either way too short
- or didn't happen at all.
- Olivia,
have you seen Josh? I cannot find Josh.
- Literally right there with James.
- Oh, thank God.
She always thinks
someone's gonna steal Josh.
He's really valuable. He's
the biggest cat in Boston.
It's true.
- He's a record holder.
- Oh.
- Did I interrupt something?
- Sort of.
No, no, it's fine. I was just
gonna say that I don't think
I'm cut out for sex,
and I might be broken now.
You just have to get used
to being in your body.
You never had to before,
because you were always having
a threesome with booze.
Baby love, I'm gonna tell Samantha
about my first sober sexual experience.
Do you want to hear it again
or do you want to go mingle?
Is this the sad story with
- with Melissa, Marisa?
- It's Melanie,
Melanie and I don't
think it was it's not sad.
- I think it's sad. I can't hear it.
- Okay, go mingle.
- I love you.
- Love you.
Anyway, um, I'm telling you this
so you don't feel so alone.
- I'll take it.
- So, I was with this really cute girl,
and I was extremely nervous.
And when I put my hand down there
she asked if I was using a vibrator.
That's how much my hand was shaking.
Oh, my God. I mean
That's it? Okay. See,
I thought you were gonna say
something humiliating, but that
story's, like, kind of adorable.
It is not. I was horrified.
Okay. Thank you for sharing.
I'm pretty sure I feel worse.
- Anyway, have a good night.
- Okay.
And don't jump too hard on the
floor. We just had them done.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- Tell everyone.
- Okay.
Okay. Have fun.
- Sam!
- Wow.
Hey!
How are you still the life of the party
even when you're stone-cold sober?
Oh, my God, I came out
of my mother's womb screaming,
ready to party.
- Give me a twirl.
- Oh, God. Okay.
Oh, no.
Okay Oh!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Usually you don't get these kind of
football tackles at sober parties.
- My bad. Are-are you okay?
- Yeah, totally.
I loved it. It makes it feel
like an actual nightclub.
Oh, good. Okay, great.
- Uh, I'm Chloe.
- Sam.
Want to dance, Sam?
It feels kind of like a risk for
you after what just happened,
- but if you're down, I am.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Who invited you here?
- Oh, I'm, uh,
I'm one of Olivia's sponsees.
Mm, join the club.
Oh, hey, we're like siblings.
No. Yeah, I'm gonna
pretend I didn't say that
so we can keep doing this.
Uh, yeah, no. You can get out of here,
there's plenty of toilets,
it's like a mansion.
My girl's getting laid.
Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sorry.
Should we go to bed?
Yes. I am beat. Um
- But first, one more wedding question.
- No!
Sorry, please, quickly. So,
I've basically mapped out every table,
except I can't figure out
where to stash Uncle Phil.
Oh, he the one who sued the Boy Scouts
- 'cause they let a girl in, right?
- Yeah.
I mean, we can put him next to
Uncle Andrew, but he's the one
that knit the pussy hats
for the women's march, so
- No bueno.
- Yeah.
Hey, Joel, you know the seating chart's
supposed to be my job, right?
Uh, no, your job is shocking people
with those big bumper things
and yelling "Clear!"
Or, uh, uh, "We need four cc's
of vital fluids, stat!"
Wow. That's actually a spot-on
impression of me at work.
- Yeah? I watched a couple E. R. reruns
- Yes.
before you got home.
I'm serious. I know
that I dropped the ball
on all the wedding planning
stuff, and I just
want to thank you for
picking up the slack.
No, I'm I'm happy to do it.
Because I'm
I'm really, really psyched
for our wedding.
Hmm.
- I have an idea.
- All right.
What if we put Carol at table six,
between Andrew and Phil?
Wow, what did Carol ever do to you?
I just think she can handle it.
Well, that that solves that.
Sorry, Carol.
Ooh, thank God. I got to pee. Jesus.
Hope you enjoyed yourself.