Single Drunk Female (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

Shamrock Shenanigans

1 Hey.
Clock out for your break.
And when you're back I need you to cover for Doris.
She called in sick, but you know what that means today.
I don't.
What does that mean today? Shoppers, stock up on all things green.
Visit our bakery department and pick up your St.
Paddy's Day treats.
Oh, no.
Happy St.
Patrick's Day.
Or, as I like to call it, The Purge for Sober People.
Wait, wait, wait, my baby, let me help you carry that.
Baby, the doctor said not to lift anything.
My baby, I think she meant, like, not to lift anything after implantation, but I can Yeah.
Oh, right.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Why don't you put the snacks in the front seat, honey? Okay.
I can do that.
- Ow! - What? Oh, my gosh, it's so heavy.
I don't think I can have a baby now.
- Hilarious.
- I know.
I'm so funny.
Sam, how you holding up? It's like being the only Jewish kid in town on Christmas.
Which I was.
But I didn't like that either, so Yeah.
Today's gonna be tough.
You don't have to thrive it, you just have to survive it.
- Where are you guys? - Oh, we're packing up the car.
We are going down the Cape with, uh, Vinnie, Allegra, Molly, Brenda.
Sort of our last hurrah before we have a baby.
Sounds like a rager.
Blast some "Closer to Fine" for me, okay? That's a good idea.
Babe, can you get the playlist ready? Yeah, I have it.
Yeah No, it's ready.
Cue it up.
Wait, are you alone? Seriously? Isolating on a day like today is not a good idea.
If you Yeah, Stephanie's saying if you want to - come with us you can.
- No.
No, no, no, come on.
Seriously, I've got, like, plenty of options.
You know, I don't want to ruin your weekend.
It's all good.
Okay, well, if you need a meeting go to Club 24/7 they're having meetings all day.
Just stay off of Instagram.
I'm gonna send you this great meditation app.
And if, you know, you feel lonely or any feelings come up, just give me a call.
Door's always open.
- No, no, no.
The door's closed.
- Stephanie's saying that - the door's also always open.
- The Oh, my Okay, I love you.
Hang in there.
Love you, too.
Okay, b bye.
Ow! Why? I still have five minutes.
You're not wearing green.
Also, I need you to mop up that puddle of festive-looking vomit.
You bet.
I'm gonna have, like, three green beers the second we get off.
I hear one more time about the green beer, I'm gonna scream.
What are you doing here? Yeah, I was just thinking, uh, maybe, you know, you and Zack could come over, - we could make cookies or - Oh, yeah.
Today's got to be a hard day for you, huh? Yeah.
No, I mean, it's fine.
I just feel like I owe the kid after Roller Land - and it could be fun, right? - Aw, Sam.
Sammy, Sam, Sam, Sam.
I love you and your journey, but today is the day of my people.
- St.
Pat's Day is like my Super Bowl.
- I know.
It's actually better than the Super Bowl.
I don't have to watch Maroon 5 shirtless.
- You know - Yeah, I get it.
What are you gonna do? Um, well, Zack's with his dad and I'm gonna go out with Tina and her crew.
- Oh.
- Check it out, Sam.
I bought a new shirt.
Tina, stop showing off your titty window to Sam.
She can't come out with us.
- Ay, really? That sucks.
- No, it's okay.
It's a great titty window.
I'm happy for you guys.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- She just got 'em done.
- Uh Hello.
That was a secret.
Sorry, oh, I You You let me touch them.
- I would have never known.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Shamrock cupcake special: two boxes for only $3.
I know you.
That's a lot of almonds.
Looks like you're stocking up for a very healthy end of days.
Locked myself out of my place, so just waiting to hear back from my idiot roommates.
They're very lucky if that kale is all for them.
- Yeah.
- Attention, shoppers.
For your St.
Paddy's Day cookout, we have a special today on sirloin strip.
- You okay? - Um yeah.
It's just They're at a bar.
Um, I haven't been to a bar in, like, a year.
You know? They always forget that I'm sober.
Well, lucky for you, my shift just ended, so let's go find some drunks.
Thank you.
Are they cute? They better be cute.
I mean, yeah, if you're into weirdos in sleeveless shirts.
Oh, okay, cool.
Sam! Lá Fhéile Pádraig sona duit! Isn't he cute? Mm-hmm.
So cute.
I am not technically Irish, but some people say that the Polish are the Irish of the East.
- L'chaim.
- Bless you.
So, what are you guys doing today? You want to you want to binge watch something? I'm sure there's, like, a new, dry British crime drama out.
The husband did it.
Or the priest.
- Whatever.
- Are you asking us to hang out? I'm not not asking you to hang out.
Wow! How surprising.
And very nice.
I like it.
Thank you.
Can we take a rain check? Yes, we are actually on our way out.
- Okay.
- Bob got us tickets to a traditional Irish band.
The Jolly Fifes.
They have one of the best Dobro players in the world.
Padraig Byrne.
He's, like, top ten.
He's awesome.
It seemed like a fun way to celebrate the holiday.
Wow, Bob's really changing you.
What do you mean? You're not a holiday person.
I have nothing against them.
Name one you like.
" - Sukkot.
- The tent.
- It's really nice.
- Yeah.
It's a gorgeous, gorgeous tent.
I could do this all night, but we got to go.
Uh, binge for us all.
So, uh, grab my purse.
This is Scottie Pippen, and I'm gonna teach you how to meditate like a champion.
If you're like me, you need some you time to relax your mind and body.
Listen to wild Tibetan bells.
Don't you feel more chill already? No.
You heard it here first.
The mac and cheese balls at the Purple Shamrock are to die for.
Hey! Uh, Bonjour, bonjour, what's up.
It's your girl Angeline.
We are here at the spa.
Because look at our beautiful friend.
No, not you IG'ing this, girl.
It's my number-one bitch, Brittany.
She is getting married.
I am so happy.
Also, a little drunk.
This is very you, I think.
I mean, you can pull off - almost anything.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, for sure.
- Now, all we have to do is make a decision before all the bars reach capacity.
It's just, you know, I-I don't feel like this is exactly right.
Oh my God, do you remember the funnel cake with all the, like, beautiful whipped cream design it was, like, all floofy and stuff? Girl, you look like that.
- That was the best - For sure, yeah.
funnel cake I have ever had.
- You should get it for the funnel cake.
- Ever.
For real.
I mean, it's your wedding, so if you want to look at more, I will show you more dresses.
- Thank you.
- But I do this all day long, and sometimes you just know.
It's just, I mean do you guys actually like this? - Yeah.
- You-you look beautiful.
I may be drunk, but you know that I got your back.
You know? I mean, I'm loving this beaded, tulle, slutty thing.
- It is a little slutty.
Just - Slutty? - a little slutty.
- I don't think slutty's the vibe.
- Is it too slutty? - That's - No! - No.
There's literally no such thing as too slutty at a wedding.
- Agreed.
- Okay? Because it's all virgin, but also a virgin who kinda knows what she's doing.
- Okay? - Okay.
- I see you.
- Okay? Yeah, let's get you checked out, get me blacked out at Molly Malone's, right? Okay, Kate.
Okay, Kate.
What do you think about this one? Oh, you can see right through that.
- Don't you think? - Yeah.
God, I could wear this.
- What if I wore this to Molly Malone's? - Girl.
- Do you play video games? - Uh, yes.
I'm a man in his twenties, so by law I have to.
- You? - Of course.
You don't really strike me as much of a gamer.
I'm sorry.
I mean, thank you, but I literally realized I was trans when I was eight and Pokémon asked me if I was a boy or a girl, so I might be a bit of a gamer.
Do you want to know my dorkiest secret to staying sober? Please.
Treat every day like a quest in a video game.
I check off my goals, give myself points, and if I end the day without giving in to the temptations of the evil wizard Drinko, I get a reward.
Got to work on "Drinko.
" But I get it.
It's kind of like what I do, but fun.
I started doing it when I was first transitioning so I could get through the day without everything feeling so heavy.
When I got sober, the skills transferred over.
Tequila shot? Uh, uh, Sword of Sobriety.
R-Right? Yeah? Is that - that okay? - That's perfect.
- That was for her, don't worry.
- Okay.
Brring, brring, brring! Points.
- I saw-I saw - Oh, my God, Samantha.
Hey, Angeline.
I saw you guys on Instagram.
How are you? So weird.
I thought I blocked you.
What are you doing here? - I'm here to help Brit with - Brittany? Yeah? I-I texted her.
I know Haitian Creole, by the way.
Only the swear words.
It's fine.
- Hi.
- Uh I thought I didn't know if you would come.
I-I just Look, I know it's weird, but I just - I really need your help.
- Totally.
No, I came as fast as I could, considering I can't drive and I'm banned from all rideshares, so Oh! Who's this new person with an opinion we can only hope aligns with the general consensus? - No, it's okay.
She's my - Oh, friend ish.
- Kind of former - Yeah.
It's a whole thing, 'cause, like, she used to date I don't Aah! So good.
Um, listen, I'm gonna give you the lay of the land.
We've tried on a lot of amazing dresses - and we all love this one.
- Oh.
Sor I thought that you liked the boat neck one.
I love the boat neck one on you.
Oh, my God, I just so many great options, just so little time.
Do you have another bride coming in, or No, she's been the focus for just hours and hours.
Kind of seems like there's there's no one else - in the store.
I don't know who else - KATE: Right? - you would need to be helping.
- Right? 'Cause it's been - such a long day already.
- Right.
You know, I'm gonna pick out some more dresses and I think Okay.
I think we'll have some fun.
- Okay, I know we will.
- Yeah, okay.
Speaking of time, I just want to remind you that once you finally order the dress, it will be another ten weeks, plus three for alterations.
Also, it is St.
Patrick's Day, and, ugh, it's more fun, you know, like, not in a store.
- Aah! Okay? Okay, great.
- Okay.
- You look so good.
- Thank you.
Right, okay.
- You got it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Got this, girl.
Go team.
- Right.
You all are gonna shit yourselves.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no, I - Oh! - This is the one.
- Aw.
- Oh, wow.
- This is the one.
- Honestly, it's the first dress that hasn't made me want to burst into tears when I look in the mirror, so that's something? No, no, no, the bar has to be higher than "this dress didn't make me want to cry", okay? Besides, the whole fairy-tale wedding thing is a bunch of patriarchal bullshit and a total cash grab.
- I need you to shut up.
- Okay.
I need you to hold this.
I've literally tried on every other dress in the store.
I know, but Brit, maybe you're not a dress person, okay? Hey, remember that time you wore the pantsuit to the Christmas party? You looked like a tiny little Michelle Obama.
You're Brit Monclair, you know? You got a full ride to Harvard, you pull Tonka trucks out of peoples' buttholes.
You can wear whatever the hell you want to your wedding.
It doesn't matter.
Thank you for saying that.
You know, Tonka trucks are only ten percent of my job.
Okay, so, you know what, I am just gonna go change into my going-out dress.
Basically Spanx with an open flap in my undercarriage.
But you know what, if you need anything at all, just call out for Kate Flanagan.
That's my last name: Flanagan.
I'm literally Irish.
This was a hate crime, - what you did today.
- Okay.
All right, Kate.
You know what, get out of my store.
- Oh, got it.
- Yeah.
We're in.
Oh, I didn't kiss the mezuzah.
It's all right.
- It's okay.
All right.
- It's St.
Patrick's Day.
Patrick's Day, yes.
Tomorrow for the mezuzah.
Methinks milady - likes a good Irish jig.
- Oh! I love Irish jigs.
My feet hurt.
Come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here.
Mm Are we, uh Are we alone? Samantha! I guess she went out.
Or she's deaf.
Um, should we, uh go to your boudoir? Oh.
I have something to tell you.
It's been a while for me.
Uh two and a half years.
To be exact.
- I know.
I know, I know.
- God It's okay.
I've never even done it before.
Okay, what-what what can I do to make you feel comfortable? Make me 30 years younger.
Why would I do that? I want to make love to this you.
You take as much time as you need.
And I will be right here.
Not going anywhere.
How about a foot rub? - Oh, so now? All right, great.
- Yes, now.
That's them.
James! What's up? - Can I get the keys? - Who's this? - This is Mindy.
Uh, she's my - Fiancée.
We're engaged.
Wow, James.
You played this one close to the vest.
Right, and we have a hot date to, uh, put away groceries, - so can I get the keys, please? - Oh.
Oh, yeah.
The keys Ooh! Bro, you are only getting these keys if you play us.
Beer pong.
Winner gets the keys.
Oh, come on, man.
Don't worry.
I got you.
- Dude, you know he's sober.
- But he's here.
Maybe he, like, changed his mind? If they make one, what are we gonna do? Pour it out on the ground.
This place is a shithole.
Come on.
This is the final boss battle.
- No keys.
- No keys.
- No keys.
No keys.
- No keys.
No keys.
- No keys.
- No keys.
You did it! - Did y'all see that? - Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Thanks.
You guys are gonna go straight home, right? Yeah.
- No doubt.
- Thank you.
- Bye, babe.
- You're welcome.
Bye! - Wow.
- Hi, sorry.
- Hi.
- Um I just wanted to know which one you ended up with, 'cause they're all so great and so beautiful.
- Well - I mean, truly spectacular options.
Yeah, you don't really have to lie about it.
It's okay.
I know they're all really, really bad.
- Yeah, they're not great.
- Like 27 Dresses.
Um, I just also wanted to say, you know, if you ever need, like, another set of eyes or something, uh, when you go to another place, I'm around and I'm I could-I could come with you.
- to the next spot - Yeah, ex Yeah, no - if you want.
Like - Uh You know what, thanks, I-I, uh That's a really nice offer, Sam.
Thank you.
- I'm around.
- No, I know.
Thank you.
No, of course.
And, uh, have a-have a good day, and I and I'll see you another time, and if I don't, that's totally fine, too, but, I-in the meantime, you know, stay well and take care of you.
I What? Can I have a small black coffee, please.
- Thanks.
- I recognize that person.
- Hmm? - Sammy Fink! All alone on St.
Paddy's Day night, huh? - Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Didn't realize you two were hangout friends.
Uh, we weren't.
Now we are.
- It's complicated.
- Okay.
He's the cishet wingman of my dreams.
Oh, hang on.
Dispatches from the trenches.
Sammy! I'm so proud of you and your sobriety.
And we got a message for you.
Don't come in here.
- Don't do it.
Don't-don't do it.
- Don't don't do it.
I love you, Sammy.
Um I'll see you in, like, two days when I'm done being hungover.
Mwah! Have a good one.
Oh, they're about to start the butt cheek race! - Butt cheek! - Oh, I got to go.
Um, I'm gonna do a toast.
Yeah, I'm a toast guy now.
Uh, to us.
There's barf flowing in the streets and none of it is ours.
- Amen.
- Love that.
How was that? Was that all right?
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