Single Drunk Female (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

Sober For the D and V

- Surprise! - Happy six months sober.
- Happy tenth birthday, young Dan.
- Is that the cake that's been in the display case for four months? It is, which means you've been sober longer than this cake has been alive.
How cool is that? Just bl-blow out the candle.
It's symbolic.
- Yay.
- Yes, all right.
Well, thanks for inviting me to whatever this was, but got to get this back to the bakery before they realize it's gone.
- Bye, Doris.
- Okay.
Great job.
What's with the mood? We throw you a surprise party, - you can't even muster a thank you? - Sorry, rough morning.
Care to elaborate? Yeah, I'm not sure it's an appropriate conversation - to have with you.
- Well, nothing's off-limits.
I heard my mom doing it with Bob this morning.
They're still together.
Wow, good for Carol.
That's not the point.
The point is I was jealous she was getting laid, okay? If I don't see some action soon, this whole area's gonna break off and drift out to sea.
Six months sober is when it happened for me, too.
Your privates sacrificed themselves to the tide? No, I started to feel my body again.
You're just emerging from sobriety survival mode.
In the beginning, your body's like, "Don't drink.
I want to drink.
Don't drink.
I want to drink.
" But you're not a walking nervous system anymore, you've settled in for the long haul, and all the normal feelings are coming back, like "I am craving Flamin' Hot Cheetos" or "I'm horny as hell.
" I am horny as hell.
I-I don't I don't know if he wants to hear about it.
Listen, I can't help you find someone, but you're coming to my sober dance party, right? I mean, dancing, there's gonna be a deejay, you can burn off some of that excess energy.
Really appreciate the invitation, but I'm trying to get laid.
Well, historically, there's been a lot of meet-cutes at the Pellegrino table.
Uh, you know what, if it's okay with you, I think I'm gonna shoot my shot elsewhere.
- Mm.
- I've been laying a lot of groundwork, I'm pretty sure I can seal the deal.
Oh, yeah.
You should have seen me back in the day, it was like I was really good at it.
I was.
No, seriously.
Oliv So, how's-how's work going? We have a IPO coming up.
But we don't have a money-making strategy, so work's been a bit of a shit show.
But I have that - you know, the sobriety app, right? - Oh, the app, yeah.
Showing a bit of interest with investors and all that stuff, so that's cool.
If anything, I can use it as a safety net, right? My ch-my chest, I don't think isn't supposed to feel like this.
Can we stop for a second? Yeah.
Sure, sure.
Uh, let's go stretch or something.
- Oh, it's nice to sit.
- Yeah.
You know, I, um, I heard the other day that exercise increases your libido.
Isn't that weird? Sure.
It's weird.
Where'd you hear that? Oh, this, like, new podcast I've been listening to.
Old Cosmos.
Um It's really hot out, isn't it? Oh, my God.
Hey, do you ever get, like like, really sore right here? Yeah, yeah.
I have a stretch for that.
- Yeah? - Uh-huh.
- You stand up? - Yeah.
So so, you just, like, cross your legs.
- Yeah.
- Right? Put your left leg over here, and your right leg, and then you just lean in Whoa.
"Whoa" good or "whoa" bad? What is Oh, it's it's bad, isn't it? 'cause you're kind of, like, standing way far away from me now.
Come on, we can't do this.
I know it's a rule, but it's not like it's enforceable by law, okay? You're too new.
You know? We act on anything, we can endanger your sobriety.
You only have six months.
- You know what? - Yeah? - I can, like, feel the rejection.
- Mm.
In my stomach.
It hurts really bad.
No, I'm not okay.
You okay? You okay? Why did you let me go jogging so many times? I'm not a jogger.
I mean, I couldn't tell that you weren't a jogger.
I'm so sorry.
Listen, we're on different timelines, you know? If we were both newcomers, then this would have wound up very differently.
Please don't do that.
Okay? Seriously? The, like, rejecting me and then saying maybe.
It - I don't like it.
It's not good.
- Okay.
Uh you're right.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have done that.
Well, let me just draw a hard line.
- We pals? - Shh.
Let's do it.
Got to walk the gra Okay, all right.
You're good.
You're Oh, forget that dude.
You know what? He's probably a serial killer.
Not everyone who doesn't sleep with me is a serial killer.
Also, if he were a serial killer I'm pretty sure he'd want to bang me first.
Yeah, you're probably right.
It's okay, though.
Hey, let me see your phone.
Let's get on the apps.
We're getting you laid tonight.
Let me see what we're working with here.
Okay, so, clearly, it's been a minute.
I crush it on Tinder.
And in my experience, men like it when you say you give free haircuts and you're not looking for a father for your kid.
Yeah, I don't think those really apply to me.
Well, what are you looking for? You still into guys and girls? Yeah, pretty much anybody.
As long as they're not vegan.
- Who is this? - What? Let me see.
No judgement.
Cool, cool, cool.
So I slept with some really disgusting people.
Hey, don't focus on who was in your vag.
Focus on who's gonna be in your vag, right? All right, let's take some new pics.
- Right now? - Mm-hmm.
Lose the sundae.
Sit over there.
Legs up.
Like a little bunny.
Hold this.
Pretend like you're reading it.
Or I could actually read it.
I know how to read.
Oh, great.
That'll make it look much more natural.
Okay, ready? Here we go.
Sober Sam.
On the prowl.
Yes, baby.
Look at her.
She's a real lady.
She sits like a lady and reads thick-ass books.
Yes, my Jewish jaguar.
The next train to board will be a high-capacity train.
- Brit? - Oh, my God.
It feels like it's been 50 years.
Oh! - And you look so beautiful.
- Oh.
But a little tired.
Are you just getting off? I'm actually on my way in.
Uh, how are you? I'm good.
And, um, Samantha - is back.
- Yeah, I know.
- That must be nice.
- It is what it is.
You must be getting so excited.
For the wedding.
It's, what, just a few months away.
Oh, my God, yeah.
We get so bogged down with planning, sometimes I forget to get excited, but we are.
I'm so happy for you.
That Joel is a lucky duck.
You're a star, always been a star.
Thank you.
Do you ever think I probably shouldn't say this, but It's a little strange the way you two met, right? What? Don't get me wrong, it's completely natural.
You and Joel bonded over the shared trauma of taking care of her.
I'm I know it's uncomfortable that we're - we dated the same guy.
- No.
No, I'm so happy for you two.
No, Joel was not the right person for Samantha.
I never liked them together.
- Really? - Yes.
You you remember Sam in high school.
Of course.
You two were inseparable.
And I remember thinking at the time, "She needs a deep thinker.
" Someone who can engage with her, which is so not Joel.
Because Samantha was gonna stay in New York after college, so she needed to meet that person in New York.
Uh, clearly, Joel has a great head on his shoulders.
Attention, passengers.
Are you taking the Orange Line? Okay.
This dude won't even know what hit him.
- Yeah, what's his name again? - Brian.
I picked him out especially for you, he's perfect.
He's married to his job, so he has no time for a relationship, just the sexy fun times.
Oh, and I saw a plant in his pictures.
Fiddle-leaf fig.
The dream.
Yeah, it might not have been a good idea to put you - in charge of my sex life.
- Hey.
You got this, all right? Just remember to order something sexy.
Well, it's a coffee shop, so Whole milk cappuccino, extra foam.
It'll send the right message.
Hey, don't over a macchiato.
That's butt stuff.
So, basically, I try to determine what the stock market's gonna do tomorrow and the day after that, and the day after that.
That's why they call it futures.
So you have, like, a crystal ball or something? Is that Oh, that was a joke, right? Yeah.
Yeah, it was.
I knew it.
This place is nice.
It is.
Yeah, yeah, it's-it's good.
Yeah, I assumed you were a big coffee head since you wanted to meet at a coffee shop.
Yeah, no.
I'm, uh, I'm sober.
Oh, wow.
Me too.
I mean, not sober sober, but, you know, I can't have more than three a night since I turned 30, so Hi.
Just wanted to let you know we're closing in ten minutes.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
That flew by.
- It did, didn't it? Yeah.
- Yeah.
You want to go back to your apartment? What? Do you want to go back to your apartment? Wow.
I mean, yeah.
Yeah? Uh, sorry, I just got to re-frame you know, you think late-afternoon coffee date, that's a tight hug at most.
But, uh, yes.
I Let's do it.
- So, yes? - Mm-hmm.
Okay, let's do it.
- Nice place.
- Thanks.
It's really, um brown.
Sorry, I'm just, uh, trying to loosen up.
Uh, I'm kind of a planner, so when things happen unexpected, I get a little, you know, nervous.
- Would you like some? - No, I'm - sober.
- Right.
You told me that.
I'm sorry.
I can get you something else.
Um I have two percent milk, water I'm fine.
Do you want to go to the couch? You're so pretty.
Oh, thank-thank you.
- I got it.
- Me too.
Um Just Hands are a little sweaty.
Just gonna get in there.
Yeah, there's vodka in that.
Um, - I'm gonna just get some - Uh, you know what? - So sorry.
Um, I have to run.
- You're gonna go? Yeah, thank you so much for the cappuccino.
I just um, I have a thing.
I-I'd still love to get coffee again sometime.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Hey, sorry you had to come get me.
What happened? The shop is officially closed for business.
By shop you mean your vagina? What else could I possibly mean? All right, don't get all Sad Sam on me.
This was your first try.
Let me see.
You got to have more matches.
- Oh.
- Doesn't matter.
I'm giving up.
Hey, you Oh, hey, buttface just texted you.
Sorry for sending you mixed signals.
Come to the dance party.
It'll be fun.
" We haven't looked this cute in a while.
I mean you haven't looked this cute in a while.
- I do look kind of cute.
- You look super cute.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Your shift go okay? - Yeah, nothing too traumatic.
That's good.
Hey, come here for a sec.
- Yeah.
- So I've been researching some readings for the ceremony, and I thought Sasha could do this one from Le Petit Prince.
In French or English.
Or both, if you want.
Might be kind of fun to do both.
Yeah, I don't know.
- Y-You don't like it? - Well, you know, it's just very first thought.
Um basic.
'Cause, you know, I've seen it at, like, a gajillion weddings.
Well, yeah, 'cause it's a classic.
Well, it's a kid's book, Joel.
I mean, it was on, like, ten wedding websites as one of the best readings, but fine, I guess.
Yeah, well, you're kind of proving my point.
And I mean, when's the last time you read a book? - What? - I mean, when was the last time you read a book? Look, I'm-I'm just saying maybe if you read more, you might have different ideas.
Okay, I-I read, Brit.
I mean, maybe not books you can quote from at weddings.
- That's not what I'm saying.
- Well, then what are you saying? 'Cause it's not like I see you coming home and curling up with War and Peace.
It's like, when's the last time you've read a book? I'm a doctor.
I don't have time to joy read.
Yeah, well, I don't have a lot of free time right now, either, all right? I go to work and then I come home and spend every single spare minute planning our wedding.
Look, this is coming out really wrong.
Well, I got some work to do, okay? Come in.
Why not? - Hey.
- Hi.
Whoa! You have a wicked nice house.
Thank you so much.
I would offer you a drink, but I'm not going to, because that's the whole deal.
Technically not sober, but when in Rome.
I just can't abstain because my wife invited, like, a million people to stomp on our brand-new wood floors.
And this is biodynamic, so it basically doesn't actually count as alcohol.
Anyway, make yourselves at home, enjoy the snacks and water.
Don't stomp on the floor.
You came.
I'm gonna go check out the water table.
Glad you made it.
Mostly for selfish reasons.
I can chill and stop watching the door.
Oh, oh, is that something that friends do you wait anxiously for the other friend to show up to a party? Want to dance? Is that okay to ask? Uh you know, I think I'm gonna ease my way into it.
I'm not totally sure how my body moves without a gin and tonic coursing through its system, so maybe later.
Well, take your time.
I'm so glad you came.
I don't think I've ever seen you without a middle part.
- You look good.
- Oh.
- I do, don't I? - Yeah.
Well, you weren't joking this is a legitimate rager.
I told you, I don't joke about serious stuff - like parties.
- Mm.
So? - So, what? - Your presence here indicates that your grand plan to smush tush was either way too short - or didn't happen at all.
- Olivia, have you seen Josh? I cannot find Josh.
- Literally right there with James.
- Oh, thank God.
She always thinks someone's gonna steal Josh.
He's really valuable.
He's the biggest cat in Boston.
It's true.
- He's a record holder.
- Oh.
- Did I interrupt something? - Sort of.
No, no, it's fine.
I was just gonna say that I don't think I'm cut out for sex, and I might be broken now.
You just have to get used to being in your body.
You never had to before, because you were always having a threesome with booze.
Baby love, I'm gonna tell Samantha about my first sober sexual experience.
Do you want to hear it again or do you want to go mingle? Is this the sad story with - with Melissa, Marisa? - It's Melanie, Melanie and I don't think it was it's not sad.
- I think it's sad.
I can't hear it.
- Okay, go mingle.
- I love you.
- Love you.
Anyway, um, I'm telling you this so you don't feel so alone.
- I'll take it.
- So, I was with this really cute girl, and I was extremely nervous.
And when I put my hand down there she asked if I was using a vibrator.
That's how much my hand was shaking.
Oh, my God.
I mean That's it? Okay.
See, I thought you were gonna say something humiliating, but that story's, like, kind of adorable.
It is not.
I was horrified.
Thank you for sharing.
I'm pretty sure I feel worse.
- Anyway, have a good night.
- Okay.
And don't jump too hard on the floor.
We just had them done.
- Okay? - Yeah.
- Tell everyone.
- Okay.
Have fun.
- Sam! - Wow.
Hey! How are you still the life of the party even when you're stone-cold sober? Oh, my God, I came out of my mother's womb screaming, ready to party.
- Give me a twirl.
- Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Okay Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry.
Usually you don't get these kind of football tackles at sober parties.
- My bad.
Are-are you okay? - Yeah, totally.
I loved it.
It makes it feel like an actual nightclub.
Oh, good.
Okay, great.
- Uh, I'm Chloe.
- Sam.
Want to dance, Sam? It feels kind of like a risk for you after what just happened, - but if you're down, I am.
- Yeah.
- Who invited you here? - Oh, I'm, uh, I'm one of Olivia's sponsees.
Mm, join the club.
Oh, hey, we're like siblings.
Yeah, I'm gonna pretend I didn't say that so we can keep doing this.
Uh, yeah, no.
You can get out of here, there's plenty of toilets, it's like a mansion.
My girl's getting laid.
Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Should we go to bed? Yes.
I am beat.
Um - But first, one more wedding question.
- No! Sorry, please, quickly.
So, I've basically mapped out every table, except I can't figure out where to stash Uncle Phil.
Oh, he the one who sued the Boy Scouts - 'cause they let a girl in, right? - Yeah.
I mean, we can put him next to Uncle Andrew, but he's the one that knit the pussy hats for the women's march, so - No bueno.
- Yeah.
Hey, Joel, you know the seating chart's supposed to be my job, right? Uh, no, your job is shocking people with those big bumper things and yelling "Clear!" Or, uh, uh, "We need four cc's of vital fluids, stat!" Wow.
That's actually a spot-on impression of me at work.
- Yeah? I watched a couple E.
reruns - Yes.
before you got home.
I'm serious.
I know that I dropped the ball on all the wedding planning stuff, and I just want to thank you for picking up the slack.
No, I'm I'm happy to do it.
Because I'm I'm really, really psyched for our wedding.
- I have an idea.
- All right.
What if we put Carol at table six, between Andrew and Phil? Wow, what did Carol ever do to you? I just think she can handle it.
Well, that that solves that.
Sorry, Carol.
Ooh, thank God.
I got to pee.
Hope you enjoyed yourself.

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