9JKL (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Yes.
(BIG BROTHER THEME MUSIC BEGINS PLAYING) You see, Judy, I knew it.
I knew I smelled pizza.
Oh, Harry, you've got the nose of a much younger man.
Honey, why didn't you knock on our door and let us know you were home? Because I'm excited to eat pizza and watch Big Brother alone.
You know, see if I could do it without help.
Son, we hear you loud and clear Good.
Okay What's Big Brother? Is it up our alley? MAN (OVER PHONE): Harry, you still there? Oh, oh, it's Fred Bernstein.
I'm phone-facing him.
We're still here, Fred.
We had dinner tonight with Fred and Marsha.
(MOUTHING WORDS) We told them that you were in the new animated movie, and they want to hear the voice.
Mom, I'm not in the movie.
They just wanted me to audition, and I have decided not to.
Why not? Because it's a silly cartoon, I'm getting a lot of auditions, and I'm trying to be selective.
So you're selecting unemployment? I think this one's a winner.
Fred, it's like the movie Cars, but with shoes.
Go ahead, Josh, be the shoe.
You guys aren't gonna leave until I do the voice, are you? And even then, who knows? Right.
All right.
Hi, Fred and Marsha.
I'm gonna assume you guys are there, even though all I see is ceiling fan.
- There he is.
- Welcome home, Josh.
Hi, guys.
So I'm up for the part of Lorenzo, an Italian loafer, and in this scene, he's trying to win the heart of Sandy, a sandal.
(LAUGHING) - So many levels.
- Yeah.
And I say to her (ITALIAN ACCENT): “Sandy, I know we come-a from different closets, but I believe we can become a pair of sole-mates.
” Okay, show's over.
Bye.
When you book this gig, I'm gonna send out a brag-blast e-mail.
Dad, do you have to send a giant group e-mail every time I'm in something? I'm a proud father.
It's a more efficient way of making our friends jealous.
Marsha didn't look jealous, she just looked shocked.
No, that was her face lift.
MARSHA (ON PHONE): I'm still here.
Oh, geez Looking lovely, as always.
- They are so annoying.
- FRED: Still here! Oh, my God! Harry, turn it off.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home? I did like Big Brother.
It was up our alley.
And wasn't the pizza delicious, Harry? Oh, yes, it was.
I'll have to take your word for it, but I'm glad you enjoyed my dinner.
Come on, Harry, we got to send out your new brag-blast.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Guys, you are not gonna believe this.
Andrew, tell them.
I am gonna be on TV tomorrow.
- What? - EVE: That's right.
My man performed a ground-breaking heart surgery last week, and he's been invited to talk about it on Wake Up New York City.
I love that show.
Cathy and Chip make me feel like I'm a part of their family.
Dude, that's awesome.
JUDY: Very nice.
And Josh is in the new shoe movie.
- It's like Cars.
- Yeah.
Okay, guys, we'll see you later.
What the heck? They barely reacted to your news.
Why do they always make such a bigger deal about Josh's stuff than yours? It's probably because he was born six weeks early and had to be in an incubator.
- Ugh, what a weasel move.
- Yeah.
“Weasel move”? I spent eight weeks in the ICU.
Yeah, Josh, we all see you.
It's just 'cause what Josh does is public.
My parents can't bring their friends into the OR to watch me perform surgery.
No, but they can show them your TV interview.
I mean, if you do well, that's totally something they'd want to share with their friends.
What do you mean if I do well? Being on TV isn't that easy, bro.
It can't be that hard.
Case in point, you do it.
Ooh All right, big shot, let's pretend I'm the host.
Just tell me all about the procedure.
And we're live in three, two, one, go.
Well, Cathy, uh what is unique about this procedure is that normally, when you enter the thoracic cavity, normally you go through the Babe? - What's with the hands? - What do you mean? You look like a T-Rex trying to give someone a back rub.
No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
Try it again.
Okay, uh, what is unique about this procedure is Oh, my God.
What am I doing with my hands? - Relax, I can help you.
- Fine.
Okay, first off, put your hands together like this.
Great.
All right, now get on your knees and say, Pretty please, I can't do this without you.
So let me write you this prescription, New York, it all starts with a healthy heart.
- (ALL TALKING AT ONCE) - HARRY: The camera loves you! Guys, guys, stop.
Go one at a time so I can bathe in each compliment.
Josh, go.
You didn't move your hands at all, and you totally nailed the catchphrase I gave you.
Well, it was the way I said it more than the words.
Someone else go.
You were perfect, and it's true what they say The camera does add ten pounds of handsome.
HARRY: Eve, rewind it for us.
I want to watch again.
Go all the way back to Cathy and Chip cooking that giant pancake.
- Soak it in, buddy.
you deserve it.
- (PHONE RINGS) It's Fred Bernstein.
Hiya, Fred.
You saw Andrew on TV? Well, of course.
He'd be happy to take a look at your back moles.
Fred wants to phone-face.
It'd be rude to say no to a fan.
Hey, take off your shirt, big guy, show me what you got.
Thank you for helping Andrew.
Believe me, happy to do it.
Eve, do you always entertain a group this large without snacks? They're all yours.
Enjoy.
I'm free.
Hell yeah! Hey, guys.
Hey, Josh.
Yo, your brother was amazing on that morning show yesterday.
I know.
And because of that, my parents were at his place all night.
Which means I got to eat my pizza and watch TV in peace.
Do you guys have any idea how exciting that is? Yes, because I'm 12.
Okay.
Yo, you know, I always knew that Andrew was a gifted surgeon, but who knew he was a TV star? I did.
He has an intangible star quality that you're either born with or die trying to attain.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Guys, he did one little appearance on a talk show.
Hey, that's how Dr.
Oz got his start.
Now the man flies a private jet just to buy milk.
I think you guys are getting a little carried away here.
Andrew is not Dr.
Oz.
- You're right.
You're right.
- Okay.
Hey, do you think Andrew likes me? I just get a bit of a hot-cold vibe.
No idea.
All I know is I've got a quiet, empty apartment.
So I'm gonna go take advantage of that before Andrew's 15 minutes of fame are up.
Okay.
But can you tell Andrew I say hey? No, actually, don't.
Don't do that.
Make me look needy.
Just tell him I said “what up?” (MAN GROANS ON TV) Knock-knock, don't care.
Where is he? Where's my star doctor son? Ira Colbern has a knee rash he wants to show him.
Oh, uh, Andrew's not here right now, but I'm also a doctor I can help.
Oh, that's a sweet offer, darling, but he wants to see a real doctor.
You know, one who's on TV.
We'll call you back.
So, I'll send Andrew over as soon as he gets home.
Oh, we don't want to bother you.
We'll wait here.
Sure.
What are you watching? It's a compilation of people getting hurt in funny ways.
Helps me unwind.
In my day, we read something called books.
HARRY: Eve why don't you have the ingredients for a Cobb salad? I don't know, but can you please keep it down? The baby's sleeping.
(BABY CRYING) I can't hear you, the baby's crying.
Eve, you gonna take care of your son, or do you need to see more innocent people getting kicked in the groin? (BABY CRYING) (MAN GRUNTS) Oh, right in the nuts.
(MAN GROANS ON TV) (LAUGHING) I get it now.
(EXCITED CHATTER NEXT DOOR) Hey I'm so proud.
Wow what's going on? Huge news! The response to your brother's TV interview was Go ahead, tell him - Uh - So amazing.
That they want him to do a regular segment.
- Tell him the rest.
- The best par Twice a week! Yep.
Judy and Harry were so excited they woke Wyatt up for the third time today.
(CHUCKLES) Wow.
I mean, twice a week, huh? That's more than your show was on.
Yeah, seriously, who saw that coming? Well, my show was an hour during prime time on a real network.
Aw, you're so cute when you're super jealous of me.
I'm not jealous, and don't forget I'm the one who helped you.
Oh, right, yeah, you're the one who helped me dominate med school, become the youngest cardiothoracic fellow in Manhattan, and maintain a wrinkle-free face in a high-pressure profession.
Boys, stop it.
We all know where that skin came from.
I can't believe we have two TV stars in the family.
Well, one current and one former, right? I'm still a TV star.
Blind Cop just started airing in Bosnia.
Bosnia? Haven't those people been through enough? All right, I'm - There he is, the star of the building.
- Oh, stop.
No, I'm talking to this tall glass of famous.
What up, Dr.
A? Yo, I saw your segment today, and I'll be damned if you didn't make spider veins sound sexy.
I like you.
I knew it! Hey, hey, hey, let me get those for you.
I want to see what famous people eat.
Yeah, hey, listen, I changed my mind about that shoes movie.
I'm gonna audition for the voice of the Italian loafer, (ITALIAN ACCENT): and I'm-a gonna crush it! I wonder if Dr.
Oz has a less successful brother.
(ITALIAN ACCENT): You went one step too far, Dr.
Martens.
And that is why you will always be my arch nemesis.
That was great, Josh.
You really embodied the spirit of Lorenzo.
Well, when the shoe fits.
And, uh, it fit pretty well, right? Absolutely.
That was fantastic.
So? So thank you.
No problem, no problem.
I, uh, I guess I'll be hearing from you.
Maybe.
Cool, cool, cool.
I get that you can't tell me, but gun to your head, if you had to say I really can't say.
And you don't have a gun, do you? Of course not, of course not.
Put it this way, if it were up to me, you'd get it.
Is it up to you? No, not at all.
Oh.
Thank you.
Hey, guess what? I just had one of the best movie auditions of my life.
Whoop-de-doo.
What's wrong with you? Your parents won't leave.
They never leave.
They just sit there and wait for Andrew to come home.
Your father scratches his parts and tugs at his things like I'm not even there.
This isn't even garbage, Josh.
It's groceries that I just bought that I'm now pretending to throw out just to get a break from your parents.
I feel your pain, but I don't miss it.
I hope you get the movie.
That would get your parents back over to your place.
Yeah, I guess it would, but I still want it.
- (LAUGHS) - Bye-bye.
Harry, get your hands out of your pants.
I have some exciting news.
Congratulations, Josh.
Eve told us you got the shoe movie.
- She did? - She did.
Why did she do that? Because she knew they'd want to come in here and celebrate right away.
And of course we would.
They're all yours.
Enjoy.
See ya! Look, Mom, Dad, the truth is, I Hey, guys, what's going on in here? What the hell is that? Someone in my fan club made it.
Wow, a fan club! Yeah, they call themselves Fandrews.
And it is straight-up Fandrewmonium out there.
What about you, Josh? Have the reviews come in from Bosnia? He doesn't care about that.
He just got the part in the shoe movie.
He did? Uh-huh.
This calls for a celebratory dinner.
Absolutely.
Look at my two beautiful boys doing so well.
I'm so proud of myself as a mother.
This is a big night for us.
We're celebrating our two brilliant sons.
Absolutely.
No matter how accomplished they are, they still make time for their parents.
(CELL PHONE BUZZES) Ooh, uh, excuse me, guys.
Hey, what's up? Oh, God, no.
What? Okay, thanks.
I didn't get the part.
They're giving it to James Franco.
Oh, I love him.
Yes, that's why I'm telling you because I know you're a fan.
Thanks to your lie, I'm now a total fraud.
Maybe it won't come up.
- How could it not come up?! - Shh.
It's the entire reason we're having the dinner.
I'd like to propose a toast.
To our wonderful Thank you, Harry.
I still remember the magical night when you two boys came into this world.
Joshie, when the nurses came by to see your adorable little body wrapped in a tangle of wires and machines they'd say, “You're one lucky little boy,” to have such a strong mother.
And then, Andrew, born the size of a two-year-old.
With a full set of teeth.
The doctor took one look at you and said, "It's a miracle your mother survived your birth" To our boys.
Guys, I need to tell you something.
Oh, look who's here.
Ellie Zimmerman.
She's always bragging about her son and his hedge fund.
My news is gonna kill her.
What a night.
I'm gonna invite her over.
Yoo-hoo! Eleanor! Mom, stop.
I didn't get the part.
HARRY: Oh.
What? They gave it to James Franco.
Oh, you love him.
I do.
But I thought you already got it.
- Eve said - Yes, she did.
She said that because Because you haven't left our apartment in over a week.
I just needed a break.
A little of you goes a long way.
Thank you, darling.
Joshie, why did you lie? I mean, Eve lying, sure, who's surprised by that, but you? I don't know, I just (SIGHS) I'm supposed to be the TV guy and you're the doctor.
And now all of a sudden you're on TV every week Twice a week.
And shoving it in my face like that and I just wanted something to shove back.
So typical.
You couldn't let me have the spotlight for two seconds.
You wouldn't even be in the spotlight if I hadn't helped you.
Maybe you should've helped yourself.
Then you would've gotten the job of a talking flip-flop.
It wasn't a flip-flop.
It was a loafer and he was 100% Italian leather.
Well, they went with 100% James Franco.
I can't wait to take Wyatt to see it.
(ITALIAN ACCENT): He's-a gonna love it! “Hi, Cathy.
I'm Dr.
Weird Hands.
Welcome to Jurassic Hospital.
” - Doctor stuff.
I'm a doctor.
- I don't talk like that.
Nice hair.
Boys, boys, boys, stop it.
Please, stop.
Doesn't matter, Harry.
Ellie Zimmerman's already seen it.
- (GRUNTS) - (GRUNTS) You got something to say to me? No.
You got something to say to me? Nope.
Ow! My doctor hands! Oh, God, Andrew, I'm so sorry.
Ha-ha, you said it first.
You know what, I actually am sorry.
You're my brother and I wasn't happy for you.
I mean, something is wrong with me.
I'm, like, a terrible person.
There's nothing wrong with you.
When good stuff happens to you, I'm not always happy.
Oh, come on.
You're just saying that to make me feel better.
No, bro.
When you booked Blind Cop, I wolfed down an entire sheet cake.
Really? Big time.
And when it got cancelled, let's just say nine months later, you had a nephew.
Do you remember when we were little and we went up to visit Uncle Pete in Syracuse and you beat me in that swimming race? Yeah, yeah, I was so tired I almost drowned.
I tried to drown you.
No.
No, you saved me.
No.
I held you under.
(LAUGHS) That's hysterical.
Why? Why do you think we're like this? It's probably 'cause every time something great happened to you, Mom would force me to celebrate it.
Yeah, yeah, she did that to me, too.
Do you remember, she used to put both our report cards on the refrigerator so we always had to see how well the other one was doing? Yes, yes.
Good evening.
This is all your fault.
Yeah, we're on to you, lady.
Yeah, you're the reason we're so competitive.
All the newspaper clippings.
And his good reviews.
And the report cards taped on the fridge.
Why would you do that? Let me ask you something.
What happened when you saw your brother's report card next to yours? I got mad 'cause his was better.
Uh-huh.
And what did you do? I got straight As the next semester.
And what did you do? Worked even harder the semester after that and crushed it.
So now I have a brilliant doctor and a gifted actor.
Was there something you boys wanted to say to me? - Thank you, Mom.
- Sorry, Mom.
Now, here's an article on Ellie Zimmerman's son.
I want him outdone by Mother's Day.
Now, here's an article on Ellie Zimmerman's son.
Josh has huge news.
Go ahead, tell him.
- Well, I - Oh, he got a call from the casting director of the shoe movie.
- Go ahead, tell him what she said.
- She said that James Franco doesn't want to do it, so they gave the part to your brother.
He's gonna be an Italian loafer, coming to a theater near you.
I have to go and help your father with a brag-blast.
Very exciting.
Congrats, bro.
That's awesome.
Thanks, man, but I couldn't have done it if you hadn't been so awesome first.
You good? Ah, not really.
They cancelled my TV segment.
Apparently, Chip felt threatened by my chemistry with Cathy.
Oh, man, I'm so sorry to hear that.
That's ugh.
Terrible.
Are you smiling? - No, this is terrible.
- Yes, you are.
What do you You are totally smiling right now.
I am not smiling.
This is hard for both of us.
You are seriously loving this right now.
I really am.
I am.
(SIGHS) But I want to say I'm always rooting for you to do well.
Just not better than me.
Right back at you, bro.
Hey, where's your, uh, Fandrew cutout? Oh, I found a really good home for him.
So, you want to go clubbing tonight or just chill at my place? Cool.
Clubbing it is.
Let's go.