Ground Up (2026) s01e06 Episode Script

1
You wouldn't have seen THIS
in today's news?
"Is this man the next AFL CEO?"
Revere, I think
you have met my husband Wayne,
head of Next Generation Academy.
You're trying to fill
the Next Generation Academy yourself
with the wife
of the bloke who runs it.
Without going into too much detail,
I haven't been able to
bring her to climax for two years.
Listen,
we are a results-based industry,
so I want results.
So pull your collective fingers out.
Especially you, Premier.
Digits fully extracted, Alistair.
You've got to
get an AFL stadium built.
I mean, who's running this state?
Yes.
Australians have had a bloody gutful
over your stadium
..and
Happy birthday, Merlot.
How about that, eh?
Yeah, there you go.
Have a good day,
and we'll celebrate tonight
with a Pinot noir and a deer antler.
You work for the Great
Southern Footy Club now, Destiny.
You can't keep being
the Premier's crutch,
if you'll pardon the expression.
I'm cool with it.
All he said was
he needs to talk to me
about some problem
at the stadium site.
Oh, God. Keep me uninformed.
Alright, anything else?
Ooh, yes. Me, please.
I would just like to firm up numbers
for this Wednesday night's
glittering season launch.
Who is bringing a plus one?
Alistair?
No.
Nope.
Luke?
Nope.
Nope. Hugh?
No.
Lovely.
Jameson?
No.
No. And Destiny?
No.
Terrific. Should be fun.
It's actually no extra cost
to bring a partner.
Does that change things for anyone?
No.
Lovely.
I need to get you two to the studio.
Yes.
It's you guys and Bishop Harmon
for The Conversation Hour.
He's anti-stadium, yeah?
He thinks the stadium site
should be used for public housing.
Right. 'Cause the Church
haven't got any real estate
they could use.
# I close my eyes
and see you before me
# I get down on my knees
I'd do anything for you #
You lot are the second biggest
holders of real estate
on the planet.
Do you mind if the heathens have
a couple of acres to themselves?
Do you know what? We can't get
Tasmanian government funding
to renovate our crumbling cathedral
because most of the budget
is going to build your cathedral.
Well, maybe that's because
a Tasmanian team playing Collingwood
just shades mass at your cathedral
for tourist appeal.
This is 936
ABC Radio Hobart -
Mornings with Libby Kitcher.
And welcome back
to The Conversation Hour.
My guests are
AFL CEO Alistair Penfold,
Great Southern Football Club CEO
Hugh Shen,
and Bishop Francis Harmon.
And that link
is up on our website now
if you'd like to donate to
the Cathedral Restoration Fund.
And Hugh and I are both in for $50.
Well played, gentlemen.
Alistair Penfold,
some people get annoyed
that the AFL seem to take a stance
on every socio-political issue.
Hm.
Is the AFL too woke?
I think, because of the demise
of institutional religion
in this country,
and all the unfortunate problems
it's faced -
as the Bishop
would be very familiar with -
I think a lot of Australians
now look to the AFL for guidance.
Spiritual guidance?
Well, moral guidance, at least,
on issues like diversity
and inclusion, for example.
So you really do see yourselves
as a religion?
Well, I'll say this much.
I can at least prove the AFL exists.
I don't think Bishop Harmon
has done that with God yet.
I mean, we're not for a minute
comparing ourselves with God here.
I think that would be wise.
And let's remember, God still
draws more people on the weekend
than the AFL does.
Well, he's got more venues,
though, hasn't he?
But as more and more churches
are converted into nightclubs
and housing, and we get
a spanking-new stadium here,
we'll be hot on God's heels,
for sure.
Bishop?
I don't think God spends much time
worrying about the AFL, Libby.
No. No, he, she or they -
or even all three,
given it's the Holy Trinity -
would be worrying about
the institutionalised corruption
in their own church.
But Tasmania's football club
finally debuts on the national stage
this weekend in the VFL, Libby.
And we're making several
big announcements in the lead-up.
We hope
We'll be unveiling
the first of several statues
of iconic Tasmanian footballers,
which will eventually
ring the stadium.
The first one hand-picked
by yours truly.
And
We'll announce the signing
of a very talented son-of-a-gun
Tassie footballer.
Sounds very positive.
Well, thank you, everyone.
And next up - oh! Sonya's back
to solve all your stain problems.
So good seeing you guys
happy together again.
Uh-huh.
After the fling with Revere, I mean.
Oh, and hey, no judgement here.
He is a hottie. I'm sure Wayne
won't mind me saying that.
Yeah, we moved on
from all that, Angela.
Yeah, yeah.
So
Yeah?
With the way the AFL's
father-son rule looks like
applying to our club,
if a Tasmanian has played 100 games
for an AFL club
Which obviously you did
for Geelong, Wayne.
..we can take his son
as a father-son selection.
And so we can advise you today
that when your boy, Kardinia,
becomes eligible for the draft,
it is our intention to claim him
under the father-son rule.
Yay!
Isn't that fantastic?
That is so great.
Thank you so much, Luke.
Thank you, mate.
Oh, you are welcome.
Good on you, Wayne.
No, cheers, mate.
Oh
Sorry for crying.
Aww.
Not at all.
Could Geelong claim him, too,
though?
Yeah, but now
he can choose to stay here
and live out his AFL dream
in his home state.
Oh!
Yeah, he's going to
be absolutely stoked, Luke.
Great. Alright.
If I can just get a quick snap
for the press release.
There. One there. Lovely.
Oh!
Honestly, you would never guess
one of you cheated on the other,
would you?
No.
Merlot?
Merlot?
Merlot?
Have you had
any sort of ransom demand yet?
Nothing.
I'm so sorry, Hugh.
And you're sure
she hasn't just run away?
After writing an ultimatum
on the wall?
Oh, yeah.
I'm assuming
it's one of those disaffected
state-league dinosaur types
who can't move on.
Hi. Kieran from IT.
Yeah, we've met you.
Yeah, we work together.
We've been hacked.
Say more words.
We can't access
football department files,
which includes video footage,
data analytics, GPS,
and opposition statistical data,
game-day strategies.
Essentially, it's everything
you rely on in a match.
It's usually Russians.
Of course.
They'd kill for our game plan.
We don't know who's behind it yet.
And actually, there's not much
we could do about it, anyway.
Have we received a ransom demand?
You're big on them, aren't you?
We haven't yet.
What do you suggest
as a course of action, Kieran?
I suggest we do nothing
until we get a ransom demand.
And then?
Pay it.
Well, thank you
for your technical expertise.
It was nothing.
Is he taking the piss?
Sorry, Bishop,
but, you know, we can still pray
without a refurbished cathedral.
We can't play football
without a stadium. Bye.
What's worse
to have around your neck,
a millstone or an albatross?
Oh, it depends
what you're wearing, I guess.
This bloody stadium.
You told me we'd only have
to put 375 million into it.
Yep. They were the numbers
State Growth gave me.
Why, what's the problem now?
It's blown out again.
It's now going to cost 1.13 billion.
Plus they've found
more contaminated soil at the site.
And as much as I'd love to,
we can't just tip it in the river.
Bloody red tape.
So, short of walking around Hobart,
dropping it down our trouser legs
like Shawshank Redemption,
we are up for the cost
of a professional removal.
What about storing it somewhere?
We don't have anywhere
to store human beings here,
never mind dirt.
Well
Well, what do you want me to do?
I need you to talk to Alistair
about some sort of compromise
on the stadium.
Premier, with respect,
you're the Premier.
Why don't you talk to him?
Because every time I do,
I get all sweaty and brain-foggy
and just end up doing what he wants.
Look, just put it to him
that we could save tens of millions
if we didn't have to build
a translucent, bloody roof.
Every time it comes up, I get, "Oh,
you'll put a roof over the stadium,
"but not over the heads
of the homeless."
Feels like I'm rubbing
the homeless people's noses in it.
In the roof?
Yes.
Well, let's see if Alistair finds
that bizarre imagery persuasive.
So, what you're saying is?
Wayne isn't Kardinia's father.
I had the DNA test done
a few years ago.
Hilarious.
And Wayne doesn't know?
No.
Who is it, then?
Rick Talen-Brook.
Ricky Talen-Brook?
Geelong's Ricky Talen-Brook?
You bozos.
How many games did he play
for Geelong?
What?
Did he play 100 games for?
Oh, I'll look it up.
Rick wasn't born here, though.
Oh, yeah. Shit. Jesus, Emma.
Oh, sorry
I didn't have the foresight
to have a fling
with someone born in Tasmania.
Well, there's always next time.
Hey, I am not a bad person.
I just have a raging libido.
I'm insatiable.
It is a diagnosed medical condition.
I simply cannot get enough sex.
I need sexual intercourse
on a daily basis, at a minimum.
And I'm yet to meet a man
who can keep up with me.
That is an elite libido.
We have already gone public
with the father-son story, though.
Yes. And no-one needs to know.
So just sit on it
and you get to keep your boy here.
No. I want it to come out.
What? Why?
Because I want Kardinia
to play for Geelong.
I'm a Cats fan.
Yeah, but only 'cause Wayne
went and played for them.
And now you're going to
completely devastate him?
Hey, I'm Geelong
through and through.
This is about loyalty.
Ange?
Yeah?
Any Merlot news?
Oh, yes! The police found her bones.
Where?
No, I mean the ones she eats.
They found her bones near the gate.
They obviously used them
to lure her to their car.
Jesus, Angela.
Sorry. Ooh!
But the new club jumpers arrived
in time for tomorrow night.
Ha! Aren't they speccy?
# Ahh! #
Yep. Yep.
Yep.
Very colourful.
Yes!
Where's the club logo?
Oh, the designer said
there wasn't room,
and I figured everyone will know
who we are, anyway, so
Angela
Yeah?
..without the club name on it,
the players are just buff billboards.
W I suppose
you want me to fix it?
Only if you think
marketing falls under the purview
of Head of Marketing.
We have a contract
that says the government
will deliver a roofed stadium.
The Premier wants the stadium,
but he'd also like some money
left over to run the state.
You were involved in
putting that estimate together.
Has the Tasmanian Public Services'
bright young thing miscalculated?
Estimations of major
infrastructure projects
are not an exact science, Alistair.
Uh-oh. You've miscalculated,
haven't you?
You've miscalculated.
You're not dealing with reality.
Oh, are you serious?
The reality is
that any cost blow-outs
are the responsibility
of the government.
And why isn't the Premier
having this conversation with me?
Have his goolies finally shrunk
and gone back up his guts?
I expect he's at Bunnings,
pricing cheap perspex for the roof -
a roof that the AFL is insisting on,
despite only using it
half a dozen times a year.
OK, we've received a ransom demand.
What do they want?
They want $250,000 transferred
into some account.
Alright.
Look, I know that's a lot for a dog,
but we don't have a choice.
I think we do.
Oh, this is from the hackers,
not the dog-nappers.
Oh, right.
They're trying it on. Ignore it.
Hey, we've got to get this sorted.
It's farcical
to be going into our first game
with no digitalshit.
Jameson, get that misfit
from IT to get off his arse
and sort this out.
You want him off his arse?
You got it.
To be clear, I want him
on his arse sorting this out.
You got it. I'll make sure
he doesn't get off his arse.
Sitting down at the computer
is what I'm saying.
So on and off his arse?
Fuck me. I'll tell him.
"The Tasmanian government agrees
that it is solely responsible
!for the costs to develop
and construct the stadium,
"including any costs which exceed
the estimated stadium build costs."
I think the Premier knows
what the contract says.
Yes, I know what the contract says,
Alistair.
He's looking for some flexibility.
Yes, I'm looking
for some flexibility, Alistair.
I've got ambulances lined up
outside the Royal Hobart
like they're selling
Taylor Swift tickets,
and you want me to spend millions
on a perspex roof!
If you build the bloody roof,
you might actually
get Taylor Swift to play there.
True. OK.
What about hitting up
the private sector
for some naming rights?
We've already got
the stadium naming rights in train.
But not for the roof.
Hey, I'm no builder,
but isn't the roof
part of the stadium?
It'd be helpful if it wasn't.
The club can't take Kardinia
as a father-son selection.
What?
I'm so sorry.
Why not?
I played over 100 AFL games.
Yes.
I was born in Tassie.
Yes.
So my son would qualify
for father-son.
Yes.
I thought
you'd be at the statue unveiling.
Oh, yeah.
I stuffed up the club jumpers.
Oh, bumhole.
Who's the statue of, by the way?
Um, someone Farrelly?
Oh. Not the one who was arrested
this morning, I hope.
Oh, shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
This is a cheat sheet
on Graham Farrelly, the player.
Thanks. So I'll introduce you
and then we'll talk a little bit
about the sculpting process,
if you can make that interesting.
Our statue footballer
was arrested this morning
and charged with defrauding
dozens of aged
..and NDIS patients
of their life savings.
Nice pick.
Media's good to go.
Um Alright.
Er, thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much
for attending today.
Today we are in the company
of two Tasmanian icons.
Famous name
in Tasmania's football history,
and another famous name
in Tasmania's artistic community,
Garth Meadows.
Um, now, Garth,
being the perfectionist he is,
has asked us today
for a little bit more time
to get the statue to a point
where he's 100% happy with it.
So I'm sorry for bringing you
all out here today for an unveiling
that's not going to go ahead.
Can you get him off stage, please?
Take him off the stage.
Yes, I know.
It's always disappointing
when people don't meet
their agreed deadlines,
but we'll reschedule this
as soon as we can.
And again, mymymy apologies.
Thanks, everyone.
Could you at least tell us
who the statue is of?
Royce Hart, alright? Thank you.
Royce Hart was a left-footer,
though,
and this statue is kicking
with its right foot.
Yes. This very special statue
is the first ever
to honour a player showing him
kicking on his non-preferred side.
Thanks, all. Jameson,
can you stop them from coming back?
Yep.
Would you mind?
What's all this bullshit?
That statue is finished.
It's magnificent.
Garth, the man you've immortalised
in bronze,
has just been charged
with a bunch of heinous crimes
against elderly and disabled people.
Yeah? So? We're not saying
he was a good bloke,
we're saying
he was a good footballer.
Well, you could argue
that statues of Captain Cook
aren't saying he was a good bloke,
just a good sailor.
But not everyone sees it that way.
So what do we do
with a magnificent statue
of a disgraced fraud
that cost us $80,000?
Can you rework it a bit
to make it look like Royce Hart?
It's bronze, not fucking Play-Doh.
Hi, Wayno. How're you doing?
Yeah. Hugh told me. Bleurgh.
Um, yeah. So I'm just
locking down numbers
for the season launch
on Wednesday night for catering.
Yeah. So, will Eva be joining you?
Given the whole paternity thing,
and that Revere
will obviously be there, too,
with the whole affair thing.
Revere's not to come
within 100m of my wife.
Roger that. Ooh.
Poor choice of words.
So, i-is she coming?
'Cause I don't know
if I can get two tables 100m apart.
Have a think
and I'll check back in later.
Cool bananas.
You set me up, didn't you?
What?
How? By tipping off the cops?
Are you that paranoid about me?
Sorry to interrupt.
Whoa. What's this about?
I'm sorry,
but the football department
needs access to the database
for game one now.
We can't prepare
in a professional manner without it.
Therefore,
we are requesting that you pay
the ransom demand immediately.
And no-one is leaving this room
until that's agreed.
What?
Hang on.
I've got to pick my kids up.
Toughen up, for Christ's sake.
What did IT say?
Same as the cops. Pay it.
Pay it, then.
What?
We need a team on the park
on the weekend, Destiny.
Thank you. Come on.
We got what we needed.
So So they didn't play football
before there were computers?
# Gloria, Gloria
# Gloria, Gloria #
Be content with your wages.
Yes?
$250,000 has just landed
in your account.
Unlock the files
and send me your invoice.
It is for the cathedral, so
..forgive me.
And it's often hard for young people
to think of themselves as leaders.
But in your own way,
you are following in the footsteps
of Mandela, Gandhi and Churchill
in forging a new future
for footy in Tasmania.
This isn't shit, is it?
Great Southern Football Club,
this is Jameson.
I have the dog.
Do you? Well, we'll deal with you
when we get proof of life.
If you want to see it alive again,
meet me in St David's Park
tonight at nine o'clock.
And you'll bring the dog?
The dog will be tied up
somewhere else.
Well, when will it be available?
What?
Tied up with a lead.
Oh.
Look, what do you want?
Nine o'clock.
We've still got time
for this. Come on.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Yes, over here, please. Thank you.
Ooh.
Just grab one of those.
Thank you very much.
- Bee
- Cheers.
We like to drink with!
Oh, my gosh.
Well, it's just
I've never kissed a drunk.
And the reason
these young men have been chosen
as the pioneering leaders of our club
is because they've shown,
on the training track and off it,
the qualities we're striving
to be known for,
the qualities that Mandela
and Gandhi displayed in spades.
For those who haven't been chosen
in this inaugural
Help us out here, Alistair.
The state's got a record
billion-dollar-plus deficit.
This stadium could cripple us.
This stadium's going to
revolutionise your economy.
Your housing crisis
will be a thing of the past.
It's going to generate
thousands of jobs.
Yes, but most of those jobs
will be in construction.
Yes?
So who's left to build the housing?
Well, they'll be bringing
construction workers
from interstate, too.
Where are they going to live?
They'll have to spend all their time
building houses for themselves.
You'll have ministerial bliss.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
the Great Southern Football Club's
inaugural leadership group.
Malachi Zoot, Trident Pash,
Memphis Fishlock-Bragg
and Jagger Gibbons.
There he is.
And now,
please welcome Tasmanian music icons
and Australian cabaret royalty,
Carrie and Gary.
No.
Serious?
# You carry our dreams on your wings
# With you, I know
we could do wonderful things
# When life's lost its joy
and all is done
# We see young angels in the park
# You sacrifice
for a worthy cause
# You lift us up
where the eagle soars
# You are the angels of sport
# Guardian angels in shorts
# Guardian angels in shorts. #
Whoo-hoo!
Holy Mother of God, I
I don't know who thought
that was a good idea.
I did.
Well, it takes a big person
to admit when they're wrong.
It's how you turn footballers
into celebrities.
Another reason not to do it.
They already think
they're celebrities, Alistair.
They're complaining
about the club-issued sunscreen
only being SPF50.
They want SPF70.
What a bunch of pampered,
entitled prats.
Would they also like
a team of dermatologists
to rub it in for them?
Jesus. Hugh, we've got
personal welfare officers,
psychologists,
bloody boundary-throwing analysts.
Christ, we've got dieticians
telling them how to eat,
financial advisers telling them
how to spend their money.
We've got bio-mechanics,
or something,
telling them how to run,
for God's sakes.
Is there any chance
of finding some footballers
who know how to run,
who know how to eat,
who can put two words together
in the right order?
'Cause it would save us
a bloody fortune.
So how's the budget looking?
Ohh.
Jameson.
Heartless dog-napper?
Shut up and listen.
I'm a lifetime member and supporter
of the North Launceston
Football Club.
I've followed The Bombers
since I was seven years old.
We could do you a certificate?
But because of the AFL,
we've been shuffled off
to some Mickey Mouse competition
in the north of the state.
Oh, you can't say
it's a Mickey Mouse competition.
Why not?
You'd need the rights from Disney.
It'd be like the Tasmanian Devil.
Please.
What happens to clubs like mine
and supporters like me?
Well, see, your club's role
has changed now.
Every club and competition
below AFL level
is a pathway to the AFL.
Mate, I haven't spent
the last 55 years
standing in the pissing rain,
freezing my quoits shut,
supporting a fucking pathway.
OK.
That footy club's
the most important thing in my life.
You want your dog back?
I want your word the AFL
will provide the same funding
to my club that they paid Snoopy Dog
for a campaign
promoting membership of my club
to kids up north.
You have my word,
as a football administrator.
Right, then.
She's tied up at
the southern entrance
..with a lead.
Yeah.
I'm really happy for you, Hugh.
Thank you, Destiny.
Oh, we all are.
Well, the Premier
is a much happier chappy tonight.
Has someone deposed him?
I believe Roger and I may have
secured a naming rights sponsorship
for the roof.
Fantastic, Catherine.
Who is it?
Ansell.
Ansell?
Whoo-hoo! Free condoms.
Yeah, so it's a great fit, isn't it?
If you'll pardon the pun.
Because it's about
keeping a lid on things.
That's got to make you feel
a little less hysterical, Destiny.
I'm actually a unique mix
of relief and disgust.
Oh, and terrific appointments,
by the way.
Fabulous young leadership group.
Their parents must be super proud,
Wayne.
Are you having a crack?
What?
Ooh. Bit sensitive.
Yeah, he's just been raising
someone else's kid
for the last 20 years.
What's his problem?
Anyway, I'm really looking forward
to Saturday.
We play on Sunday.
Ohh. We're taking the boat out
on Sunday.
Oh.
Well, anyway,
I hope we're not one of those teams
that kicks the ball sideways
and backwards and all that rubbish.
Just kick it forwards.
Yeah, the game's a bit more
complicated than that these days.
Oh, I think you coaches
just make it complicated
to justify your enormous salaries
and your massive
football departments.
Why don't you
stick to making wrapping paper
or whatever it is you do.
High-quality packing materials,
if you don't mind.
Well, on that note,
I think we might take our leave,
too, Jameson.
But there's a sticky-date pudding
to come.
I'm getting a feel for the culture
you've engendered here, Hugh.
Excuse me.
And then there were two.
You've miscalculated.
Ah, ha-ha.
In other local news,
Tasmanian sculptor Garth Meadows
has revealed the real identity
of the subject of the statue
he was commissioned to make for
the Great Southern Football Club.
It's not Royce Hart
..it's Graham Farrelly.
I mean, Alistair Penfold knew.
He commissioned it.
Farrelly is currently
facing multiple fraud charges,
while AFL CEO Alistair Penfold
is facing claims of cover-ups
and knowingly lying,
sparking calls for his resignation.
Great Southern CEO Hugh Shen
is favourite to take the top job.
Ladies and gentlemen,
look who's in the room!
It's our official mascot,
Adam The Apple,
from the apple aisle!
# Adam The Apple! #
Adam, quick one for the socials.
Oh!
Christ's sake!
# Adam The Apple!
Say bye-bye to Alistair.
# Well, we've got Cradle Mountain
# And we've got Mona Museum
# We've got Salamanca Market
# And a great footy team
# We'll kick your ass! #