Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil (2005) s01e06 Episode Script

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FATHER CANTALUPI:
Human sacrifice --
the most monstrous of all
satanic rituals.
Praise Satan!
MAN:
Please, no.
Oh, please, God, no!
Praise Satan.
Aah!
SATAN:
Sorry I'm late.
Holy [bleep] it's hot in here.
Uh, I brought Pinot Grigio.
Where can I chill this?
CANTALUPI:
Worshipers believe
a blood sacrifice
secures for them
their selfish desires
and an audience
with their dark prince.
Hey, that's a great sweater.
- Thanks a lot.
- Yeah, it's so Cosby.
- Thanks.
- Where'd you get it?
I got it from Cosby.
Oh, seriously?
Yeah, I know him.
Oh, wow, cool.
So, how's the guest of honor doing?
Great, great,
everything's great.
Just wanted to let you know that we're on schedule
to announce my candidacy for president Friday night --
The big sacrifice
at Bohemian Grove.
Ugh, two sacrifices in one week?
Master, you have to come.
I mean, this one is just, like,
friends and family,
but Friday's the real one.
Oh, yeah, fine, fine.
Half of Washington is flying in.
Hey, I said I'll come.
Great.
Oh, hey, any requests
for who we should sacrifice?
Um, I don't know.
Don't you usually do that?
I just show up.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm just asking in case you had someone special in mind.
But I'll take care of it.
Hey, wait. You know what?
I do have someone
that might be fun.
Hold on,
I'm gonna make a phone call.
[ telephone rings ]
Hello?
Oh, I hate this headset.
Hello?
Ugh!
Hello?
Luce? Dada.
I know.
I'm on my headset.
You don't have to tell me that.
It doesn't make
a difference to me.
Well, does it sound funny?
No, it sounds normal.
I'm at a party.
Great.
Hey, can I get your boyfriend's phone number?
Why?
I want to invite him somewhere.
Why do you want to invite my boyfriend somewhere?
I want to invite him to,
like, a guys-only barbecue.
I want to get to know him.
Like a bonding kind of thing?
Yes, exactly.
Okay.
Build a fire in the woods,
get all undressed,
yell at the sky.
All right, it's getting less appealing,
so why don't I just give you the number?
Howl like the wolves.
Oh, criminal acts and violence
are the stage
For being a grand profusion
to have your rage ♪
For all the decent citizens
you've enraged ♪
You can go to hell! ♪
Hi, Satan,
do you have a second?
Hi, Satan,
do you have a second?
Actually, I was just leaving.
I know, it's just,
I'm a longtime minion.
I'm a huge fan.
Oh, great. Thanks.
You know, I do comedy.
Oh, that's great.
And I want to be, like,
a really successful stand-up,
and I was just wondering,
is there any way
you can help me with that?
I mean,
if I sold my soul or whatever.
Yeah, sure,
we could arrange something.
Great. Wow, okay.
So, how do we do this?
You go on this website right here and download the PDF.
All right?
Okay, yeah, great.
Yeah, we're online now.
And pledging my soul to you?
It's all on the site.
Great.
Wow, thank you.
Thank you so much.
I don't know
what to tell you.
My feet just look good in sandals.
They look great, man.
I love your feet.
Look, if you got it,
flaunt it.
Sandals are like bikinis for your feet.
Love that!
[ laughs ]
That's awesome, dude.
Thanks, man.
Hold on, man.
Peace on Earth.
D.J. Jesus?
Ah, it's Jesús.
Oh.
This is Bob Whitehead,
from the United States senate.
Uh, yeah, I don't give money
over the phone.
Please remove me from your list.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't want your money.
I want to hire you to D.J.
this Friday.
- Yeah, I'll have to check my schedule.
I don't think I'll have time.
I got to tell you, this is not just any event.
Imagine the most amazing
dance party/orgy/
political summit
on the planet.
Okay, I'm imagining that.
Did you see
"Eyes Wide Shut"?
Yes, I did see that.
It's like that, but
Alan Greenspan will be there,
and Bono.
-Okay, I'm, uh
- Really?
- Yeah, I'll do it.
- Great.
- I'll see you then.
- Terrific.
I'll fax you a map.
CANTALUPI:
This senator was involved
in the dark arts.
How deep, we did not know.
And how was the D.J. involved?
We decided to infiltrate
this gathering
at Bohemian Grove.
Something like this?
No, no.
You didn't see "Eyes Wide Shut"?
No, sorry.
Who cares?
It's probably fine.
No, it's not fine.
They'll spot us in two seconds
with that.
Hey, I like this one.
No, it's not trick-or-treat.
It's a very specific kind of mask.
For an orgy.
Yes, for an orgy.
I would wear this to an orgy.
I'd wear it to an orgy, too.
Satan? You got a minute?
Not really.
I got to write some material
for this comedian.
Well, I just wanted to talk to you about Lucy.
She needs to be the senator's date
at the Bohemian Grove
sacrifice.
You know how hard it is to write a joke -- just one joke?
Did you hear me?
We're moving into a serious phase here.
Whitehead could take
the presidency,
and Lucy should be at his side,
as we've always planned.
Right, right, right.
Can I read you a couple?
[ sighs ]
Yeah.
All right, so, you know when you're in the bathroom stall
and you're taking a poop
next to someone else
who's taking a poop?
Really?
What?
Poop jokes?
Yeah, they're funny.
That's what you've been
working on all day --
Poop jokes?
Well, yeah.
What's wrong with that?
Becky?
Uh-huh?
You go poop.
I know you do.
Really? Poop?
Yes, poop. Poop.
'Cause I got a couple jokes
about my kids
and changing diapers --
No, no, no kids.
Kids aren't funny.
Okay, you know.
I got this whole chunk
about marriage.
No, also not good.
Marriage -- no good.
Hi. Thanks.
Reggie, you need a hook, right?
I just don't have that one joke
I told you.
I got a whole bunch of jokes
about poop.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, you're gonna be Reggie,
the poop guy --
the [bleep]
comedian.
What's your last name?
Goldstein.
You'll be, like, Reggie "I'm taking a [bleep]" Goldstein.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Um, I'm just going to a thing
for my dad.
Some political thing.
Boring.
What are you doing?
Oh, nothing.
Just some gig --
a bar mitzvah.
It's not an orgy.
What?
What?
Did you just say
it's not an orgy?
Yes.
That's so weird.
Why would you say that?
Why would you explicitly say,
"it's not an orgy"?
-Um, I'm losing you, Luce.
-It's not the kind of thing --
I can't hear you,
what you just said.
I can't hear.
I'm gonna call you later.
Okay, where should I set up?
Oh, right over here in this cage.
Sweet.
Uh, what's that chanting?
Oh, nothing.
Hey, I'm gonna lock this, okay?
Sure.
And I'm just gonna stuff
a little straw
and rolled-up
newspaper under here.
Your party.
Shirt on or off?
Oh, off.
Oh, my god.
I didn't think it was real,
but it is.
Listen to that.
Father, see anything?
There's a fire.
Okay, put your masks on.
We should be able to walk right in.
Minions, worship me.
Kneel before me.
Praise Satan.
Ten presidents have announced
their candidacy
in front of this unholy altar.
We celebrate the quest
for power.
We desecrate this ground
with blood and fire.
MAN:
Praise Satan.
But first, please put your hands
together for our opening act.
You've seen him on "Premium Blend."
Folks, please welcome the very funny Reggie Goldstein.
[ rim shot ]
Yeah, all right.
Let's keep it going for Satan.
Keep it going for him.
Satan.
Hey, I got to tell you,
I got to ask you --
has this ever
happened to you?
You're in the bathroom, like a public bathroom at the mall
or something, and some guy's in
the stall next to you,
right, taking
a big, old dump,
and he does that thing
where he's coughing
'cause he's trying to cover up
the noise.
But this guy,
he's kind of missed.
The timing's a little off,
so he's like [coughs]
[ farting sound ]
It's like, what's going on?
It's like a badly done karate movie.
[ laughs ]
Yes.
Um, yeah, you ever do that thing
where you go to wipe your
ass and the toilet paper
Ow.
Stop.
Are we there?
No, we're going in circles.
Tickling Captain Brownbeard.
[ Satan laughs ]
Is someone doing comedy?
These people are monsters!
Shh!
You ever take a [bleep] so big,
you take a photo of it?
Yes!
You know what it's like --
"Wow, look at that thing.
I got to get a picture of that."
[ laughs ]
Um
Oh, boy.
Uh, well, uh, that's all my time.
Good night.
Ha ha.
All right.
That was Reggie Goldstein,
everybody.
Little too hip for the room.
That's funny stuff.
You'll be talking about that tomorrow.
Sense of humor, anybody?
Aah!
All right, let's move to the main event.
Senator?
Thank you, master.
In the name of Satan,
I offer this sacrifice
and command
the forces of darkness
to bestow upon me
their infernal power.
Oh [bleep].
SATAN:
Huh?
Who's ready to boogie tonight?
Let's get this party started.
[ dance music plays ]
No cage can hold
these beats.
[ gasps ]
SISTER:
I love this song.
Whoo!
JESÚS:
Hey, fuzzy monster, nice
moves over there.
SENATOR:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No "Gloria."
JESÚS:
Hey, peace, brother.
SENATOR:
No, no, no, no, no.
Stop the record.
-No can do.
Dancing to "Gloria" is a pure thing.
You can't start it artificially or stop it prematurely.
You just got to give in to
Gloria
All right, how we doing out there?
[cheering]
All right.
Don't you think you're falling? ♪
If everybody wants you,
Why isn't anybody calling? ♪
You don't have to answer ♪
I can't believe this.
So, you thought there was
gonna be an orgy?
He -- he said.
And you put an escape artist
in a cage.
I can't believe this.
And your car wouldn't start.
I can't believe this.
What a total bust.
This is a disaster.
Hey, can we stop somewhere
and get some food?
One food stop coming up.
SATAN:
I love it!