Mating Season (2026) s01e07 Episode Script

1
[soft music playing]
[Penelope] Okay, now…
now this piece I love!
Are you kidding?
It's literally feces smeared on a canvas.
-Oh my God, it's art!
-Please, I could do that.
Fawn, don't you see? We're the feces!
The world is the canvas!
Well, looks like shit to me.
-Oh, I could not agree more.
-Oh!
It's so pretentious what they
try to pass off as art these days.
Thank you!
I saw this "performance art" show.
It was a hawk that built a nest
on top of an egg.
-No!
-What is that?
-It's lazy is what it is.
-Yeah, and that egg is not gonna hatch.
-Yeah, that's not art. That's infanticide.
-[both laughing]
So true. My name's Connor.
Hi, Connor. I'm Fawn.
-Hey, you get this painting, right?
-Of course!
We are the feces. The world is the canvas.
Yes! Thank you!
It's just so rare for an artist
to touch your soul with his dookies.
-Oh.
-Sorry.
No, no, no. Don't apologize.
It's refreshing to see someone
genuinely moved by art.
Wow. Well, it's refreshing to see
someone very hot who wants to talk to me.
[laughing]
-I'm Dharma.
-Hi, I'm Penelope.
-Would you like to meet the artist?
-Yeah!
-He's my boyfriend.
-Oh!
-[both laughing]
-You're gonna love him.
Yeah, get that guy over here.
[dejectedly] I love boyfriends.
-Esteban, darling!
-Sí, mi amor.
-You have to meet this brilliant fox.
-Ah, enchanté!
-She really gets your shit.
-Hi! I love your work.
And your girlfriend.
-Uh, may I?
-Oh!
This is good paw.
-Oh! Both sides.
-You're adorable.
Oh! You must have dinner with us tomorrow.
-Really?
-Have you ever been to Branch and Bone?
It's a very romantic space.
Um, okay. If I didn't know any better,
I'd say you two are both flirting with me?
-Oh yeah. We are.
-We are asking you on a date.
-Both of you?
-Yes! We are polyamorous.
Okay, so you can write with both hands?
-No.
-[both chuckling]
We have an alternative relationship style.
And we would like very much
to get to know you better.
Wow! Okay, well, sure.
I would love to go on a date with you…
yous twos.
-Okay.
-Okay!
-[both] Mwah!
-Ah! Nom, nom, nom!
I'm eating your kisses!
Oh my God, that cute bobcat over there
just asked me out!
Well, that shit artist and his girlfriend
are polyamorous marmots,
and I'm going on a date
with them tomorrow night!
Wow! Who knew a room full of feces
was such a great place to meet people?
I did. My name's Antonio.
Yeah, we don't want to meet you.
["Fooled Around and Fell in Love"
by Elvin Bishop playing]
Fooled around and fell in love ♪
I fooled around and fell in love ♪
I fooled around and fell in love ♪
-Fooled around and fell in love ♪
-[song fades]
I don't know, guys.
It sounds like polyamory
is just a bullshit excuse
to cheat without calling it cheating.
-Preach!
-Oh.
Sorry, that felt weird.
You guys don't get it.
Free love is our natural state.
-We are wild animals!
-Thank you, Ray!
-Monogamy! [farts loudly]
-[coughing]
That's what's unnatural. Excuse me.
Call me "old-fashioned,"
or "trad," or "skinny,"
but when I'm with a guy,
I want him all to myself.
Okay, sure, but honestly,
no one's lining up to do monogamy with me.
-Come on, Pen.
-No! No, it's okay.
Maybe I'm not meant
to be somebody's everything,
but I'm sure I could be
somebody's something.
-Aww! Preach!
-What?
Sorry, I don't know why I keep doing that.
I mean, it's not like I'm joining
that sex commune across the river.
Oh whoa, whoa!
I'm sorry, what was that now,
"sex commune across the river"?
Yeah, Ample Springs.
I thought that place was just
a stupid fucking farm.
Yeah, well, it's both.
-Oh!
-They're a polycule.
Guys, this is embarrassing to admit,
but I've never had group sex.
Really? You haven't?
Yeah, I've only done a bunch of foursomes.
That's group sex, Ray.
No, no, no.
That's a double date, sweetheart.
-Hey, Josh! We're going to the orgy club!
-[giggles]
What? Why do I have to go?
Because I can't cross the river
without my Josh.
-He's got a point.
-Yeah, he'd fully drown.
Also, what kind of creep
shows up to an orgy all by himself?
So, uh, how's this gonna work?
Well, we could order individual entrees.
-Or do a bunch of small plates.
-Ooh, tapas style!
No, no, no. I know how restaurants work.
I mean, like, us dating.
Oh, of course! Non-monogamy is new to you.
Think of polyamory
as an evolution of love.
Take your friends.
You have friends, right?
[chuckling] Oh, yeah, I have three.
You don't get all your friendship needs
from just one of them,
so why would you have just one lover?
Whoa!
I guess I never thought of it that way.
It's the frontier of the future of love.
Okay, I'm actually obsessed
with frontiers, but here's the thing.
He's a guy, and I'm a gay.
-[laughs] We can tell.
-Oh, you can?
-Yes.
-It's your posture.
-Oh!
-No, no, no, please, slouch! Be yourself!
[awkwardly] Okay.
In this throuple,
we would all spend time together and bond.
But you would only
make sweet love to Dharma.
That sounds amazing.
It is. My pussy is immaculate.
-[laughs] Ooh! Cool.
-Yeah.
Wait, and you don't get jealous?
Oh, not at all.
I have mastered the art of compersion.
Sorry, is that like
a marmot masturbation thing?
[laughs] Oh no, no.
Compersion is the opposite of jealousy.
Okay.
I actually enjoy
when Dharma enjoys other animals.
-Oh!
-Hi.
-Do you guys know what you'll be having?
-Yes! I will have her.
She will have him,
and he will have compersion!
And for food?
Um, just a bunch of hamburgers.
-Onward to sexual utopia!
-[majestic music playing]
[sputtering]
There's a whole school bus down there
with a bunch of tiny skeletons.
This is gonna be the orgy
to end all orgies, baby!
I don't know, Ray. I don't want
to be around a bunch of sex perverts.
Then why did you come?
Because you made me!
I'm gonna find my people!
They're gonna lick my pee hole! ♪
-Hey-o! Wait, wait, wait, what the…
-Huh.
Why is everyone here just toiling?
Well, it is also a farm, Ray.
[gasps] And look at those carrots!
Oh God, I'd love to roast those
with some brown sugar! Mmm!
-Hey, little guy. What, uh…
-[grunts] Hi, friend.
What's going on here?
Donde está la orgy, huh?
Oh, you're here for the group sex.
Nina, we've got some newbies.
-Hello! Welcome to Ample Springs!
-Thank you.
I'm Nina, the lead love facilitator.
Our goal is to foster
warmth and acceptance
through the pursuit of communal love!
Preach! It felt right that time.
-Now, there are only two rules here.
-[loudly] Rules?
First, if you want to have sex
with someone's primary partner…
Hang on, primary what?
-Well, Gus is my primary.
-[excited squeal]
But I have secondary
and even tertiary partners.
And if you want to make love
to someone's primary,
you make an appointment with me!
Our official notary.
And sign my book.
-Oh, what a handsome book.
-What? It's a book.
Mmm! I love it dearly!
I love you.
Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
Let's get sexual!
Well, that actually brings us
to our second rule.
We ask that you please wait
30 calendar days
-before making love to anyone here.
-Thirty what now?
So you can connect emotionally
and spiritually before you bond sexually.
Oh, brilliant!
You know, I didn't even want to come here.
-But I am sold!
-Yay!
-How do I get one of those cute aprons?
-Excuse me.
Get over here, Josh!
You know, Ray,
when you're right, you're right.
This place is awesome.
Yeah, but 30 days without sex?
We'll be so busy with our farming chores
we won't even notice.
-If we may butt in.
-Of course.
We found that once you've established
that emotional connection,
the sex on the other side
can be quite mind-blowing.
Quadruple orgasms.
It's true. One time I came so hard,
I had Bell's palsy for a month.
-Oh no.
-Worth it!
Okay, fine.
But only because she's incredibly hot,
and I can't get back
across the river without you.
-Hooray!
-All right!
And don't think
I forgot about that apron, Gus.
My size is "adult husky."
Mmm! You're a big boy.
-Not everywhere.
-[giggling]
Okay, the game is called
"Siblings or Dating."
[laughing] Okay.
Uh…
Here, the two rabbits right there.
I mean, they look exactly alike.
But it could be that thing where couples
start to look like each other.
Wait a minute,
rabbits are notoriously incestuous.
-It could be both!
-Siblings and dating?
It kind of jazzes up
taking care of your elderly parents.
[laughing] My gosh.
Where did you come from?
Whatever.
[gasps] Oh now they're making out.
Hold on. Am I falling in love
with my brother?
-[laughing] Oh!
-Called it.
-You are so good at this game.
-Oh, I'm good at a lot of things.
Yeah, I bet you are.
I have to warn you, Fawn.
I think we might be hitting it off.
-We are, aren't we?
-Big time.
You know, everyone's experimenting
with throuples and polyamory,
trying to reinvent the wheel,
but from where I'm sitting,
the wheel is working just fine.
Oh, yeah. Love the wheel.
It's round and smooth,
and it runs over our friends.
Yeah, it does.
Okay, what about those two?
Siblings or dating?
Well, they're making out, so siblings?
-Yeah! Definitely siblings.
-Come here, bro.
Oh, fuck, bro.
[animals moaning]
[all] Mmm, cuddle puddle.
This is what it's all about.
Warmth and closeness without penetration.
Hey, Gus, I hope this isn't too forward,
but I'd like to make you
tiny little clothes.
Ooh, and I would wear them!
Ugh! Cuddling without sex?
Just try to enjoy it.
Here, stroke this tail.
That's my tail! Ugh!
This is not what I came here for!
-Just relax into the cuddle.
-[sniffing] Wait.
-Wait a minute. I'm smelling something.
-[intriguing music playing]
Sweat. Anal secretions.
Ooh, lubricant?
[animals moaning]
-Ho-ho, it's an orgy!
-[raunchy music playing]
Here I come, my fellow heathens.
Ah-ah-ah! Twenty-nine more days.
Oh! Uh, Nina, hey!
Surely we can
fast-track the process for someone who…
you know, doesn't want to wait.
-Uh, sorry, Ray.
-Ugh.
Hello, my darlings!
Alvin the Duck, please stare into my eyes
while you penetrate me.
-Yeah!
-[Nina moaning]
[groaning]
[Penelope] Wow.
Esteban, I gotta give it to you.
You are an artist in the kitchen too.
Are these chante--
Yes, chanterelles!
They are my favorite fungus.
They are so rare.
Just like you, my precious unicorn.
Oh, sorry, I thought this was obvious.
I'm a fox.
[laughing] No, sweetheart.
A unicorn is a single female
who joins a couple as their third.
They're called unicorns
because they are special.
-And rare.
-Like you.
Ugh, you know,
if I wasn't so profoundly lesbian,
I would smooch you right now.
-You're like the perfect male.
-He is not perfect.
-He has a debilitating shopping addiction.
-[both laughing]
[Penelope laughing nervously]
I do. I can't get enough of small spoons.
[dejectedly] It's a real problem actually.
I had to go back to teaching.
Anyway, why don't you two make love?
-And I will clean up.
-Are you ready, babe?
Are you sure this is okay?
I don't want you to feel left out.
Listen, Penelope.
I would love nothing more
than for you to give my girlfriend
a world-shattering orgasm
while I do dishes.
[laughs] Okay,
how could this night get any better?
-We have a sex swing.
-Oh-ho-ho! That's how!
I can't believe we spent
the whole day together
and I'm still not annoyed by you.
-I know. I don't want to say goodnight.
-Is it weird to say I'm gonna miss you?
Well, here's an idea.
If you came inside,
we wouldn't have to miss each other?
I don't know, I mean…
Don't get me wrong,
I'd love to rock your body.
Yeah, and my body would love to be rocked.
But at the same time,
I feel like I'm gonna fuck this up,
and maybe I should just
quit while I'm ahead.
Absolutely zero pressure.
I am in this for the long haul.
-Oh, the long haul?
-[uplifting music playing]
Screw it, let's do this!
-Wee! Sex!
-[laughing]
Full disclosure,
I haven't done this in a while,
so I might be a little rusty.
Well, let's start slow.
You can just lean back
while I pleasure you
and Esteban bakes us a chocolate soufflé.
Oh! Wha-- He's making dessert too?
-[kissing]
-[moaning]
-[triumphant music playing]
-I'm a unicorn! Oh!
I'm flying!
I have a horn!
[moaning]
[Dharma] Oh, Penelope,
you taste like rainbows.
Your feminine moisture
is perfect for the dishes!
And now they're tie-dye.
[moaning]
Ahh! Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!
Oh man, I almost drowned down there.
Oh yeah, my eyes feel dry.
How did you do that?
Open wide for the soufflé.
Here she comes! In such a tiny spoon.
Mmm! I could get used to this.
Look how small it is, but so expensive.
Oh my God, you don't want to know.
Oof! This is so exciting.
I've never done
a compliment circle before.
Okay, lovers, I'll start.
Ray, I admire
how you always speak your mind.
-Eat shit, Gus.
-Oh! Just like that.
-[otter humming]
-[sensually] Oh! Hello, top-heavy otter.
And, Josh, something I love about you
is how emotionally available you are.
You really get the vibe here.
Oh, Gussie.
I appreciate how
meticulous you are as a notary
without sacrificing your warmth
and your compassion.
-Aww!
-That was so good.
Top-notch compliment.
Ray, any compliments to offer?
Wait, where'd he go?
Mr. Sun shine down on my panties ♪
-Hey there.
-Hi.
Hi! You're Harvest, right?
-Yes, I am Harvest.
-What do you say, Harvest?
Should we take this clean laundry
and make it dirty?
[both laughing]
Oh, Ray, I'd really love to,
but you know we're not allowed.
Right, yeah, the rules.
But isn't it fun sometimes
to break the rules?
Um… Sometimes, yeah.
I personally like not knowing someone
when I have sex with them.
-[laughing]
-It's like hot and kind of scary.
Oh! And we wouldn't
have to do any paperwork.
Yeah, with the notary book.
We gotta file our taxes before we bang.
You do make some excellent points.
-Don't you mean sex-cellent points?
-[giggling]
Oh, lazy puns make me so hot.
Oh yeah? Well, if that makes you hot,
then wait until I say,
"Let's… have sex."
Oh, yeah!
[crowing] Wake the fuck up!
Mmm! Good morning, lovers.
Look at us. Three little spoons.
And I am the smallest of them all.
So, throuple of mine,
what are we gonna get up to today?
-Well, we're going apple picking.
-Oh fun!
I love picking apples.
-I love how round--
-No, honey, "we" are going apple picking.
-Oh!
-With Benito and June from the gallery.
-It's a double date.
-Right!
-[laughs nervously] Doy!
-Just us.
[awkwardly] Shyeah! Of course!
Because you guys are the main couple,
and I'm a unicorn.
Which is good…
[grunts] …but not part of the main couple.
Darling, are you all right?
Totes! There are things
you two do together that I don't do.
-Duh! Polyamory be like that, right?
-But we'll see you tomorrow night?
Magotes! [laughs]
And that was regarding
the totes from before.
Forgot to finish that thought. Bye!
[sighs heavily]
I gotta say, boys, I'm disappointed.
So disappointed. Sex on day two?
I thought you respected the rules.
Hey, hey, I love the rules!
Ray's the one who broke them, not me.
[sighs] Sign here.
And you brought
Harvest Weinstein into this.
I'm sorry, her name is Harvest Weinstein?
That's right. She's Jewish.
Is that a problem?
No, that is not the problem.
-And initial here.
-Uh-huh. Hey, whoa, whoa.
-What am I even signing?
-It's an incident report.
-Because you broke the rules.
-Oh, grow up.
And if it happens again,
we'll be forced to ask you to leave.
-We'd hate to do that.
-Shut up, Gus.
-Your beret looks stupid.
-[gasps]
Ray! What the hell is wrong with you?
I made him that beret. That's one of
the best berets I've ever made.
This place is bullshit!
A polycule is supposed to be
about freeing ourselves
from the rules of monogamy.
-No--
-But now there's just new other rules.
The rules protect us!
Without them, it's anarchy!
That's exactly what I want.
Sexual chaos with like-minded freaks.
I'm tired of the tyranny.
-There are only two rules.
-Revolution is fomenting.
-[yelps] You put that finger down!
-I will not.
I will raise my finger higher.
-I will lead this polycule to freedom!
-[triumphant music playing]
[moaning] Oh, yes! Get it! Yes!
Oh! Wow.
-[sighs] I know.
-You are…
I'm so good in bed.
You're good in every way.
Oh, Connor, stop it.
No. No, I'm serious.
This is a real connection.
Don't you feel it?
I mean, I can see it all with you.
-Really?
-Yes, a home, a kid.
-We could call him "Ralph."
-Oh, Ralph!
I'd play sports with him.
And we can put all our mugs together
and make them friends.
They'll be more than friends.
Fawn, our mugs, they'll be family.
-Wow.
-[door opening]
-[woman] Honey, I'm home!
-Oh God.
-[woman] My conference ended a day early.
-Uh, who the fuck is that?
-Who the fuck do you think? It's my wife!
-You're married?
Are you fucking kidding me?
-[majestic music playing]
-Friends, lovers!
Horny critters of all sizes, heed my call!
Okay, I'm heeding.
Did you come here to plant carrots
and sign documents?
[shouting] No! You came here to break free
from the chains of monogamy!
He's right.
I had sex without any emotional connection
or paperwork.
And it was amazing.
Thank you, Harvest… Weinstein.
I propose a new way, a better way!
Anarchic polyamory!
-[animals] Yeah!
-No! Please don't!
Guys, what we have here is perfect.
-Shut up, virgin!
-[gasps] Mean.
Who among you is brave enough
for sexual chaos?
-[all cheering]
-I will suck every dick in here!
Okay, maybe if you all formed a line,
I could get started on the paperwork.
I say burn the paperwork
and fuck in the ashes!
[Josh] Have you no decency?
[exclaims] Not my notary book!
You're monsters! You're sexual monsters!
I don't want to know who it is.
-Surprise me.
-[mooing]
-Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
-[sobbing] He's defiling my book!
If it makes you feel any better,
I'm sure the book is dead by now.
[sobbing loudly]
It doesn't make me feel better!
-[loudly] You're married?
-Whatever!
-What the fuck is wrong with you?
-You need to get the fuck out right now!
Ow! Oh my God, stop it!
-[boy] Daddy, come play sports with me!
-Shh! Shush!
-In a minute, Ralph!
-And you have a kid named "Ralph"?
-I know!
-You psychopath.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
God, I hate myself.
All that bullshit you fed me
about our future!
I was excited, okay?
I forgot I had a family! Sue me!
-Jesus Christ!
-You really gotta go.
Stop! Ahh!
[whimpers]
Hey, babe! Did you miss us?
[laughs] Yeah! So much!
We made up a song about you.
-Daddy is the best! Daddy is so loyal! ♪
-Oh wow.
-He's the greatest daddy in the world ♪
-[sniffs] Oh no.
Connor, why does it smell
like morning sex in here?
That's crazy!
-[laughs nervously] What?
-[Fawn screaming]
Ugh! Is there another freakin'
one of your dang sluts
in the garbage can again?
There sure is, Mommy!
-Hi.
-[weakly] Hey, Ralph. Ugh.
-[melancholy music playing]
-[Penelope whimpers]
Mmm! This apple is delicious! So crisp.
And when you poop it out, mi amor,
I will make important art
from your droppings.
Esteban, we said no work today.
I cannot help it! You're my muse.
Aww! That's what I want.
You two are so perfect.
Literally made for each other.
-[crying] They really are.
-Ma'am?
-Ma'am, do you need an apple basket?
-Shh! No, shut up!
Bag? Something to put the apples in?
I'm not picking apples!
[whispers] I'm having a moment.
-[loudly] Why are you whispering?
-Penelope?
-Oh! Um…
-Why are you in a bush?
-Hi?
-What are you doing here?
-Uh, picking apples?
-No, she's not.
-She's "having a moment."
-[groans]
-[animals moaning weakly]
-[dark music playing]
What in God's name happened here?
[weakly] It's called a rebellion, Nina.
This orgy was the will of the people.
-Not my will!
-They burned my book.
Ray, you are so selfish!
Josh, I created a sexual paradise
for myself to enjoy.
How is that selfish?
Did you ever stop to think
that this place made me feel valued
and loved for the first time
in, like, forever?
Um…
-No?
-Yeah!
Because you didn't care about my feelings!
You didn't care about anybody's feelings!
You know, now that I think about it,
it hurt my feelings when my Gary hooked up
with Sloane, Kyle, and Abby
without telling me and writing it down.
-And I didn't like making Gus cry!
-Yeah.
Guys, come on.
[chuckles] What happened to sexual chaos?
-Ray?
-Oh no.
I'm sorry, but you're out of the polycule.
What? Don't I get a warning?
Oh, you got one, mister! It was notarized!
You know what? It's a good call, guys.
I think you're making the right decision.
-Oh, you have to go too, Josh.
-[loudly] What? Why?
Well, every time we look at you,
we'll think about Ray.
-And we don't want to think about Ray.
-Ugh. I get it.
-I don't want to think about Ray either.
-Yeah, I'm a handful.
Let's go, buddy.
Wait! Wait!
-Can I give you one final compliment?
-You may.
[crying] You guys are the kindest,
most organized animals I've ever met.
And your carrots are fire.
[sobbing] Preach, Joshy.
[melancholy music playing]
-To home!
-[muffled sobbing continues]
It's just…
When I saw you two together,
looking so happy and in love,
-I didn't feel compersion.
-Oh, honey.
[crying] I felt jealousy and sadness
and a little bit of gas
'cause I ate, like, four apples.
We don't want you
to feel those bad things.
-What we do isn't for everyone.
-And we know it's far from easy.
[sighing] You guys are amazing,
but I don't think polyamory is for me.
I don't just want
to be somebody's something.
I want to be somebody's everything.
Well, that somebody
is going to be a very lucky animal.
-Oh, I'm gonna miss you.
-I'll miss you too.
-I have to gonna go shopping.
-Esteban, no!
I just think if I had
one more tiny little spoon…
Come on, Dharma. Just one.
-It's never just one.
-[sobbing uncontrollably]
[angrily] Well,
I am sorry I am not perfect!
-Well, here I am. Alone again.
-Yep, me too.
-Thanks to you, Ray!
-Yeah, I know, Josh.
You had a good thing going,
and I pooped all over it.
-That's my bad.
-Yeah! No shit!
[sighs heavily] I still can't believe
Connor was married.
I guess monogamy sucks too, huh?
Yeah, there's no good way to do this.
Wait a minute, guys. This…
This might sound crazy,
but should the four of us do a polycule?
-No.
-Hard pass.
["It's A Shame About Ray"
by the Lemonheads playing]
It's a shame about Ray ♪
In the stone, under the dust
His name is still engraved ♪
Some things need to go away ♪
It's a shame about Ray ♪
Put it away ♪
[song fading]