Ted Lasso (2020) s01e07 Episode Script

1
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, Trevor, no. The bag has
to go all the way in, okay?
Use all the space. Out
the way. Thank you.
What's gone on back here? Right.
These need to be moved around,
'cause this is gonna
jiggle about, otherwise.
Now, can we move Hello?
There's someone in here. Oh, my God.
Hey, almost forgot. You know how
we're playing Everton tomorrow?
- Yeah.
- Well, that's not a town.
- It's actually a team in Liverpool!
- Like the Beatles!
If you see John, Paul, George or Ringo,
will you take a picture, please?
Hey, you got it, big guy.
Okay, hey, I better get
a roll on here, all right?
Okay. And Mom wants
to talk to you. Hold on.
- I love you, buddy.
- Love you too.
Still haven't told him
John and George are dead?
They're what?
It was Keith Richards.
Hey, Ted.
- Hey. How you doing?
- Good.
How's work going? Everything all right?
Yeah. I'm sorry. I know this isn't easy,
but the paperwork the lawyer sent?
I know. Oh, hey.
Got it right here.
I'll, uh, look it all over, sign it,
send it right back. I promise.
Okay, thanks. Hey, good luck
tomorrow. We'll be watching.
All right now.
Whoo-hoo!
- Girls' trip!
- Mm. Liverpool, here we come.
And I just want to say up front
that I'm really flattered you
asked me to come this weekend.
Oh. Come on now.
But, hey, we're both single.
I think you are super hot.
If I'm gonna dip my toe
back into the lady pool,
I can't think of a finer body
of water to do it with than you.
No. Keeley, I think you're confused.
I was, at first. Then I was
like, "Come on, Keeley.
Blow off some steam and have some
wicked sex with your new friend".
I'm fucking with you.
Oh, my God.
I thought you were being serious.
I mean, can you imagine?
Oh, I have.
Do-da do-da do do do do doo
Looks like we have a new
passenger on today's flight.
Actually, Keeley will be taking
your seat on the jet, Higgins.
Oh.
Sorry.
I'm gonna go spend a
penny before we take off.
See you downstairs, Rebecca.
Oh, that's okay. I always enjoy
the antics on the team bus.
No. I need you to
stay here this weekend.
Doing work that doesn't matter.
All right, gentlemen. Who's ready
to go show Everton what we got?
Whoo!
Thank you, Dani.
Jeez, Louise. Why's everybody
so down in the dumps?
What happened? Did Beyoncé
dump Jay-Z or something?
No, nothing like that.
Thank goodness. Just saying it
out loud made me immediately sad.
Let me see what's going on here.
Hey, guys. Seriously, come
on. Talk to me. What's up?
Well, we're fine.
Mm.
- Yeah, I'm all right.
- Okay.
We're in a shit fucking mood because
we never fucking win at Everton
and it sucks fucking shit!
Ah, come on, fellas.
How long has it been since
y'all won up at Everton?
- Sixty years ago.
- Jesus Christ.
Wow. That is a heck
of a long time. Okay.
So we got that going on.
And obviously we're bummed
out that O'Brien tore his butt.
It's my upper hamstring, Coach.
You tore your butt, son.
There's nothing to be
ashamed of, okay? It happens.
People tear their butts
all the time in athletics.
You're not alone, man.
Hey, Coach, you've torn
your butt a few times, right?
- Three times.
- Three times.
Butt's an amazing muscle. God as
my witness, your butt will heal.
The silver lining here,
with O'Brien's tore butt,
is that my man from Montreal is
gonna be filling in at goalie.
- Give it up for Zorro.
- Oh. It's pronounced, um, "Zoreaux".
- I'm sorry. Zorro.
- "Zoreaux".
You I don't know what
I'm doing wrong here.
Point is, gentlemen, unless
one of y'all got a crystal ball,
we don't know what's
gonna happen tomorrow.
That's why we play the game.
So let me hear it! Richmond
on three! One, two, three!
- Richmond!
- Right, come on. Let's go.
- Hey, Coach.
- Howdy, fellas. How can I help you?
Um, so, uh, since Jamie Tartt
has gone back to Man City,
uh, you've lost one, you've drawn
one, you've not scored any goals.
- Yeah.
- So I'm wondering,
how worried are you about
the threat of relegation?
Well, Lloyd, right now
I'm mostly concerned
with the definition of relegation.
What you got for me, Marcus?
Just wanted to know how you're feeling
about the departure of Jamie Tartt.
Yeah. Um
Well, if I'm being honest, it,
uh, breaks my heart a little.
I think one of the neatest
things about being a coach
is the connection you get
to make with your players.
That's a loss that hits me a lot harder
and is gonna stay with me a lot longer
than anything that happens while
playing a game on a patch of grass.
All right. See you fellas
in Liverpool, yeah?
Yeah.
Oh. Hey! Last one there
is a Scotch egg! Whoo!
What?
Hey, there he is.
- Good to see you, buddy.
- All right, let's go.
Here we go. It's the presidential suite.
Hope it's to your satisfaction.
Would you like me to show you
the various room amenities?
No, thank you.
My lady and I wanna have
a quick shag and a shower
before we hit the town tonight.
Welcome to Liverpool.
What? He would've spent
a cash tip in, like, a minute.
Come on. The image I just gave
him is gonna last for a lifetime.
No, it's it's not
you. It's Oh, fuck.
This is Rupert's and my
anniversary weekend. And
- It's the first one I've spent by myself
- Hey, it's okay.
Thank you.
- Mm.
- Ooh. That's a long hug.
So, just to remind you, the hotel
furniture stays in the rooms,
not the hallway or the pool.
Nor are you allowed to ship it to
your homes or other hotels, okay?
All right, fellas, we got
team meal in an hour.
After that, it's either gonna
be movie night or a pillow fight.
What's it gonna be this
time around? Come on.
Movie night.
All right. But I tell you what,
y'all say "pillow fight" one time,
and we'll never watch
another movie together again.
- That's for you, Coach.
- Thank you, sir.
- And that's for you.
- Thank you.
Whoo! Room 5150. Finally.
Sammy Hagar, greatest lead
singer in Van Halen history.
- In the post-David Lee Roth era.
- Thank you.
- Coach, what room you got?
- 5148.
- Hey.
- Howdy, neighbor.
Yes, hello. We still haven't received
the champagne I ordered. Thank you.
Ah. Good question. One second.
Should I get the concierge
to make us a reservation
somewhere tonight?
Shipley's steak house is unmatched
in its cuisine and ambience.
Mm. Is it now? Cool, I can do steak.
Uh, yes. The steak
house for two, please.
Does 8:00 p.m. work for you?
The business center
is open 24 hours a day.
Okay.
What was that about the business center?
Guests also have access
to our state-of-the-art gym,
filled with the latest
in workout technology.
Like kettlebells!
Oh, my God.
Liverpool has much to offer
when it comes to nightlife.
From pubs and clubs, to the
great Asian pastime of karaoke!
I don't even remember doing this.
- And if you're the artsy type
- Right, enough.
This weekend is moving forward.
When that champagne arrives,
we are going to get drunk,
have a nice meal,
and leave the past in the past.
- Sound good?
- Sounds fucking great.
Oh. Speak of the devil.
Hello, Stinky.
Still giving you the big room
even without old gray
walnuts footing the bill.
Good. Fuck Rupert!
Oh. Who's this then? Is this
your concubine? Is she Russian?
- Are you Russian?
- A, I love you. B, who are you?
Let me introduce Flo Collins, my
best mate since we were little.
Brilliant child psychologist and proud,
- newly single
- Mm-hmm.
mother to the most amazing
12-year-old little girl called Nora,
- my goddaughter.
- Wow.
Both of whom I've completely neglected
to speak to in the last six years.
Oh, Jesus, Stinky.
Remind me to bury you in the set
list for speeches at my funeral.
Hi, I'm Flo. Or you can call me
"Sassy". I don't care which.
So, you heard about the divorce?
Yeah. I bumped into Derren at a party.
He told me right after he hit on me.
Hey, what's new?
Still, weird order for him
to roll out that information.
Right, what's in the
plan for tonight, then?
Shall I call down? Get myself a robe?
Oh!
Look what I've got.
Ta-da!
Stole it off a room
service trolley outside.
You're amazing!
- I'm Keeley, by the way. Hi!
- Oh!
Yeah, I know who you are, honey.
My ex used to masturbate
to you like a maniac, so
Am I cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs thinking
we can beat these guys tomorrow?
- No, we match up perfectly.
- Exactly.
What about you, Nate? You
believe these guys can win?
I believe this team can do anything.
See? There you go. That's
what I'm talking about.
Okay, Nate. So if you were me,
what would you tell these guys?
Oh, no. I wouldn't No, I don't
Hey. I'm just asking for your opinion.
You understand that, yeah?
- Yeah.
- And you got one, yes?
- Yeah.
- Locked, loaded, ready to rip?
Mm-hmm.
- Let me hear it.
- No.
Why not? What are you afraid's
gonna happen if you tell me?
That you won't like my idea
and it makes you hate me.
Then you fire me.
Then I have to move
back in with my parents
and they'll be ashamed of me.
Then everyone finds out back home
and laughs at me
until my face melts off.
Excuse me.
Well, at least he didn't stammer.
Mm.
Okay. I gotta go take
care of a couple things.
I'll see you in the morning, all right?
Hey, do me a favor. Keep
an eye on these guys,
'cause around the 74 minute mark,
there's gonna be a room
full of grown men crying.
I'll be one of 'em.
Right, so I hadn't prepared anything.
Not the brightest idea
for a maid of honor,
especially with an open bar.
Yeah, she was the star of the weekend.
- Yeah, I gave Elton John a boner.
- You did what?
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did!
He has repeatedly denied that.
Ah. Classic "she said, she said", innit?
Would you ladies like another
bottle? A little dessert perhaps?
My sexy and extremely single friend here
actually prefers her desserts
on the larger side.
If that's something you
could possibly accommodate.
I'll give you a few minutes.
Thank you. Sorry.
I can't believe you just did that.
Oh, shut up. You love it.
Right. I'm going for a smoke. Stinky?
- No. Don't smoke anymore.
- What?
And yet, you're still on fire.
Hmm.
Yeah, I don't know. Just
May I suggest flushing it
again but harder? Okay, bye.
Hi, how can I help you?
Hey, how you doing? I was wondering
if y'all had a fax machine.
Fax machine?
Oh, okay. Um, that's a good question.
If you bear with me a second,
I'll just check with a colleague
and see what I can find out.
A fax machine, hey? Are you
sending something to the year 1997?
Yeah, just a little note to myself
telling me to buy Apple stock.
Oh. Good idea.
Can you tell me to murder J.K. Rowling
and write the first Harry
Potter book as well?
Can do. Yeah. I'll probably write
"handle" instead of "murder",
so there's no paper trail.
- Yeah, I'm Ted, by the way.
- Oh. Sassy.
Sassy, huh? Like the Smurf, right?
Don't think there was a
Sassy Smurf, was there?
That's too bad.
Seems like a Smurf with an attitude
would've been a lot of fun to watch.
All right, yeah, I'll tell him.
Let me know how the
trial goes. Okay, bye.
Right, we no longer have a
fax machine on the premises.
But the concierge was able to locate one
at a tanning salon eight
miles away in Croxteth.
You know what, that's okay.
I'm just gonna hit this manicurist
nearby that has carrier pigeons.
- Thank you though. All right.
- Okay.
Nice meeting you.
Right, how can I help you?
Well, I was gonna go out for a smoke
and hope my friend picks up
the check while I was gone.
Then I saw Magnum, P.I. in line,
figured I'd flirt with him as well.
- See what happens, you know?
- Oh, well, good luck.
Yeah, I think I fucked it.
I I actually get off in about
30 minutes if you'd like to, uh
Of course not, why would you?
You are who you choose to be.
Superman.
Okay, so I just met the
fucking Marlboro Man in the
Where's Stinky gone? She abandoned you?
No, she just went to pee.
- Oh.
- Where does "Stinky" come from?
I remember the day
she moved into our town.
She was already taller
than me, had bigger boobs.
Family was rich. So,
first day of year seven,
I told everyone her
nickname was "Stinky".
That's genius.
To the ties that bind us.
To Rebecca.
Yeah, that's not Rebecca.
How do you mean?
No, the real Rebecca is silly.
Strong, yeah, but not cold.
- Have you ever heard her sing?
- No.
Ah. Beautiful voice.
Her and Nora would sing
through the door for hours.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
- Who's Nora?
- My daughter.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, if you like that woman,
you are gonna love Rebecca.
- Ready?
- What about the bill?
- Thank you, Miss Welton.
- Okay.
Do you wanna do that thing where
you pretend you wanted to pay?
Oh, yeah, yeah. This is
really good fun. Join in.
Oh, you absolute piece of shit!
I was about to do that!
- I was just about to get my card out.
- I can't believe that you've done this.
- We were gonna split. That was so nice.
- Six years I've waited for this
- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm I'm so sorry. I just
You're what?
- What is this?
- It's just my thoughts on the team.
Go, Nathan. Come on, it's past curfew.
- Go! Get outta here!
- Sorry.
Liverpool has much to offer
when it comes to nightlife.
From pubs and clubs, to the
great Asian pastime of karaoke!
And if you're the artsy type,
or you're just trying to impress a date,
Liverpool has more
museums and galleries
Welcome to Goodison Park. I'm
Arlo White here with Chris Powell.
- Okay, guys! Got some snacks here!
- Whoo-hoo!
Let's try not to eat them
all in the first half.
Come on, Richmond!
It's eighth-place Everton
hosting AFC Richmond,
in 18th and staring
relegation in the face.
The last time Richmond
left here with a win,
the number one song
in the UK was by Elvis Presley,
"It's Now or Never".
And that's certainly the case
for Ted Lasso's men tonight.
- Nate, can I speak with you, please?
- Yeah.
You all right?
I wanted to apologize for last night.
I bit your head off for no good reason,
and I'm really sorry about that
and I hope you can forgive me.
Yeah, of cour Yes, of course.
Thank you. Also, I read
through your thoughts.
- Yeah.
- They're great.
And I agree with every last one of 'em.
But I can't say this to them.
- But they need to hear it.
- I agree.
That's why you're gonna do it.
Are you drunk?
You're giving the pregame talk,
and you're gonna read them this.
- I ju I don't know.
- It'll be fun.
No. No, no, no.
Oh, my God.
All right, listen up, fellas.
As of late, I feel like y'all have
heard enough of my jibber-jabber.
So I asked Nate the Great here
to jot down a few of
his thoughts and ideas
about you guys and today's game.
So let's focus up.
- All yours, Nate.
- Okay.
- Let's go, Nate.
- Come on, boy. You got this.
- You got this, Nate. It's okay.
- Okay. Thank you. Let's do it.
- Isaac.
- Hmm?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you
got this, bruv, all right?
Yeah.
I've noticed of late
that you've been playing
like a big, dumb pussy.
Wow.
What the fuck did you say to me, bruv?
You're more concerned
about looking tough
than actually being tough.
There's a way to be intimidating
without being physical.
I hope you don't mind me saying.
Um
- Sam.
- Oh, no.
You're constantly
getting beat on the wings.
It's 'cause you're indecisive.
You second-guess more
than a shitty psychic.
The only African I know more
imprisoned by their own thoughts
is goddamn Nelson Mandela.
Did you hear that?
You think that's funny, do you, Colin?
You and all your fancy
step over bullshit.
Let me ask you this.
Do you wax your pubes?
What?
Did I stutter, dickhead?
Do you wax your pubes?
- Yes or no.
- No.
Then why are you always trying
to play like a Brazilian?
Yeah.
What just happened?
- Uh, Rojas.
- Whoo! Roast me, amigo.
All right. You say that
football is life, right?
Football is life.
- Yeah, well, then your defense is death.
- Oh!
The only person I've seen
lose their man more often
is Carrie fucking Bradshaw.
Oh!
- Sex and the City.
- Shh.
- Yeah.
- Tough but fair.
Right. Roy.
Go on. Say what you're gonna say.
Okay.
Don't read it.
Say it to my face.
The great Roy Kent.
You're old now.
And slow. And your focus drifts.
But your speed and your smarts were
never what made you who you are.
It's your anger. That's your superpower.
That's what made you
one of the best midfielders
in the history of this league.
But I haven't seen it on the
pitch at all this season, Roy.
I mean, you used to run like
you were angry at the grass.
You'd kick the ball like you'd caught it
fucking your wife, for Christ's sake.
But that anger doesn't come
out anymore when you play.
But it's still in there.
And I'm afraid of what
it's gonna do to you
if you just keep it all for yourself.
Ooh!
Let's go get these fuckers.
See? Told you it'd be fun.
And the impossible has happened.
Richmond have won at Everton 1-0.
- Yes, Ted! Yeah!
- Thanks to a rare goal from Roy Kent.
Kent was absolutely brilliant today.
He was like a man possessed.
Yeah!
We know we are, we're sure we are.
We're Richmond till we
die. We're Richmond
Oh, my God!
Come on, give us a hug, Nate. Yeah.
- Ted!
- Hey!
- Congratulations.
- Thanks, boss.
Could I, uh, just introduce you to
- Sassy Smurf!
- Marlboro Man! Oh, my God.
We know we are, we're sure we are
- I didn't know you were here.
- Surprise!
I've been thinking about
you a lot this weekend.
Oh, yeah? How come?
'Cause you and your crazy
hair keep popping up
every time I turn on my TV.
Oi! Listen up!
None of you are going
back to the hotel tonight.
'Cause we did something today
that no one thought we
could do, including us!
So, we're going out, we're celebrating,
and we're gonna rub it in
this city's fucking face!
Roy! Roy! Where are we going?
Keeley?
Well, Liverpool has much to offer.
From pubs to clubs to the
great Asian pastime of
- I said maybe
- Said maybe
You're gonna be
the one that saves me
Saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I'm going for a smoke.
- Can I join you?
- Come on.
Thank you, Richmond FC!
So, what's Marlboro Man's story, then?
'Cause I kinda wanna
grab him by the ears
and ride that little
mustache like a Jet Ski.
- It's so good to see you, Sass.
- You too, Stinky.
God. You know, today would've been my
Of course I know. Why
do you think I'm here?
Mate, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry for disappearing
from you, from Nora.
I really am.
Thank you for saying that.
Mm.
God, that man took so much from me.
No.
Rupert is a horrible man
who built an ivory tower
he kept you captive in.
But you climbed every single
step of that tower on your own.
You're the one who stopped
coming home, stopped calling.
Who made a six-year-old girl
wonder what she'd done wrong.
I'll always be your biggest defender,
but you have to own up
to the part that you played.
You're right.
Course I'm right. I'm always right.
You're not always right. Most
of the time you're an arse.
There you are. Fucking hell.
I thought you guys ditched me.
- No!
- As if!
Jesus, I didn't know that I had
abandonment issues till right now.
Come on, Rebecca. Your song's up next.
- What?
- Yeah.
No, I didn't put a song in.
Well, then someone else
must've done it for you.
Who could've done that?
See? You are an arse.
Caught in a bad romance
Ra-ra-ah-ah-ah Roma-roma-ma
Gaga, ooh-la-la
Want your bad romance
All right, who's next?
Me, me, me.
Your turn, Rebecca. Get on up here.
Thank you. Oh, God.
Okay. Uh, I don't even know
what song I'm singing.
But I would like to dedicate it
to the best friend
a girl could ever have.
That is me! She's talking about me!
This is also dedicated
to my goddaughter, Nora.
I love you.
The snow glows white
on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation and
it looks like I'm the queen
The wind is howling like
this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in
Heaven knows I've tried
Don't let them in,
don't let them see
Be the good girl you
always have to be
Conceal, don't feel
don't let them know
Well, now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what
they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway
- Ted.
- Dad?
Ted?
Ted.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Try to breathe.
I can't. I don't know what's
going on. I'm I'm sorry.
It's okay. You're having
a panic attack. Just breathe.
Am I going crazy?
No more than anyone else.
All right. You're all right.
There we go. There we go.
There we go. Come on.
Come on.
There we go.
I think I need to call it a night.
Gonna go back to the hotel
and just get a good
night's rest, you know?
Would you like me to walk back with you?
Do you want to take my car?
No, no, no. I'm okay. Thank
you though. I appreciate it.
- All right.
- Okay.
Hey, do me a favor. Just, uh,
let Beard know I went back to the hotel.
Of course. You just get home safely.
- Okay, thank you.
- All right.
Okay.
- Excuse me. Very drunk man coming through.
- Yeah.
Guys. Guys, guys, guys.
I think we should take
the boys to the pub.
Oh, I am so done, Sass. Sorry.
Think I'm tapping out for
the evening too, actually.
So I have to take 18 young,
handsome men all by myself?
Oh, trauma.
- All right then. See you later.
- Bye. I love you.
Amigos, I can't find my tropical shirt.
He's so drunk.
You won't need it, you won't need it.
Right, want a lift back to the hotel?
Oh, no. Um, I think I'm
gonna walk, actually.
Unless you want me to come
with you, 'cause that I can do.
- I'm fine. Really.
- Yeah?
Besides, that was yesterday.
- You're wasting valuable time.
- Yeah, yeah. I'm going, I'm going.
Oh, this is me.
I'm sharing a suite with Rebecca.
We've got separate bedrooms though.
Good night.