Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s01e08 Episode Script

1
Here's Churro's pain medication.
If she walks into a wall,
that just means it's working.
So, Doctor, if Churro
needs one tranquilizer,
- she weighs 10 pounds
- Mm-hmm.
How much would a dog need
that weighed, like, 200 pounds?
Like, 20?
This isn't funny, okay?
This big dog needs a lot
of pills to feel anything.
What? No.
I was just laughing
at this TikTok Mayan made.
It's an ad for Bone-jour.
I've been looking forward
to tonight all week.
Courtesy of our friends at Bone-jour.
Gourmet dog treats made
in Paris Tennessee.
Voilà! A "bark-cuterie" board.
Now, this dog may not be
an evil tech billionaire,
but she can eat like one.
And so can I, because
humans can enjoy it too.
You have the evil laugh
of a man who owns a rocket ship
shaped like a penis.
I can't believe
you're the brand ambassador
for Bone-jour,
the number-one pet food
that doesn't use horse meat.
They make it in a lab.
It has all the horse flavor,
but none of the horse.
Well, I mean, why did they pick you?
Shouldn't a famous dog
be selling the food?
I mean, listen,
don't take this wrong, Mayan,
but you're no Scooby-Doo.
It's just a little start-up,
and I'm making a few extra
bucks for vet school.
It's no big deal.
It's a huge deal.
My pet lizard and I have been trying
to land a sponsorship for years.
Ain't that right, Lizzo?
You must be so proud of her.
The sexy lizard? We just met.
No, Mayan.
Because of her videos,
the clinic's TikTok account
has thousands of followers.
Thanks.
Bone-jour even asked if I'd
host a promotional event here
and it's gonna be livestreamed.
Okay, calm down, Mayan Seacrest.
Don't let it go to your head.
Pride is one of the three deadly sins.
There are seven.
I know. I like the other four.
Do you think Mayan's okay?
I don't know. I'm a vet.
I don't understand human emotions.
Is this what happy looks like?
I can hear you guys.
Why wouldn't I be okay?
'Cause you were just talking
about your accomplishments
- and your dad put you down.
- Ugh.
We don't say "put down" in this office.
- My dad wasn't insulting me.
- He's just keeping me grounded.
That's what Latino parents do.
My parents do the same thing,
and I'ma tell them it's not right
as soon as I'm no longer
on their cell phone plan.
I don't think it's a bad thing
to be reminded to stay humble.
As an employer, I love
that I can take advantage
of how you undervalue yourself.
But as your friend and fellow woman,
girl, it's a bad look.
You've got to stop putting up
with your dad's crap.
Is he ever supportive
or say anything nice to you?
He makes fun of me the least
out of everyone in the family.
What am I supposed to do?
Take a stand like I do
anytime someone asks if we do grooming.
"I didn't go to school for eight years
to give a lizard extensions."
I only asked you that one time.
Damn it. We're gonna be late.
Can you
- Come on, kid, we gotta go.
- Hold, please.
Mrs. Garcia, substitute
teacher. And you are?
Quinten Van Bryan. Nice to meet you.
Thank you for your service.
Come on, buddy. Get in the van.
I got you some candy.
- I would do anything for candy.
- Yeah.
Chance, honey, do you know
this sweaty, awkward man?
Yeah, I'm his father.
Wait, did George talk to you?
I don't know who George is,
but this boy's last name is Lopez.
If you were his real father,
you would know that.
It's hyphenated. So his mom
is Lopez, I'm Van Bryan.
And if you were a real teacher,
you would know that.
You claim he's your kid,
but he writes his name as Chance Lopez
on all of his schoolwork.
Okay, well, I really appreciate you
keeping my child safe, but we're late.
So, Chance, tell this woman I'm your dad
- so we can get to the dentist.
- Dentist?
I've never seen this dude
before my life.
Wh what?
Hey, Kibbles 'n Bits.
Check this out.
I fixed the garbage disposal.
I just earned myself
six months more of free rent.
Wow, that's amazing.
Good job. I'm so proud of you.
Why you talking like that?
Did you find that
special brownie in the freezer?
No, I was just demonstrating
the normal way to react
when someone you care about
accomplishes something
they care about.
I don't care about the disposal.
I clogged it on purpose
for the free rent.
I'm just gonna say it.
I don't like the rude things you said
in front of my coworkers today.
- I wasn't being rude.
- I was just keeping it real.
You were getting a big head.
And not in a handsome way
like mine look.
That's toxic behavior.
And I'm so used to it
that Brookie and Dr. Pocha
had to point it out for me to realize
that you are incapable of celebrating
anyone else's achievements.
That is not true.
I celebrate the makers
of this beer every night.
You know, I don't think I've
ever heard you say the words,
"I'm proud of you."
Not even when I was a kid.
Remember what you told me
after my middle school
musical performance?
When I asked you how my singing was,
you told me to dance louder.
Yes, because your feet
can actually hit a note.
Words matter, Dad.
Yes, Mayan. I'm aware.
That's why I don't just
throw them around.
Want me to tell you I'm proud of you
because you ate dog food?
You called me a hot mess
for eating pizza crust out of the trash.
But you don't even say it
for the big stuff.
I mean, I have a job that I love,
an amazing kid, and a wonderful
life partner in Quinten.
Who?
Why is it so hard for you to say?
Just say that you're proud
of me. Just say it.
Ew, no.
I'm here. I guess the genie
granted your wish.
Oh. There's an iPad, cookies,
and a warm bath
waiting for you in my room.
How are you still single?
Well, at least he loves one of us.
Oh, what's wrong?
A teacher at Chance's school
didn't think I was his dad.
George got to them?
No. And look at me.
Obviously, I'm a POC.
A Parent of Chance.
Well, I don't know.
He looks like a young Oscar Isaac,
and you look like his manager.
Yeah, Chance dropped
my last name at school.
So he's just going by Chance Lopez now.
Well, probably because Chance Van Bryan
sounds like a lacrosse player
on trial for assault.
Okay, I'm just gonna
get vulnerable with you
for a second.
I'm afraid that he's embarrassed of me.
And Mayan was embarrassed
of George when she was a kid.
They didn't speak for 10 years.
I hate to say it,
but maybe Chance is ashamed
of his whiteness.
Actually, I don't hate to say it.
It felt good.
Look, he lives in a house
surrounded by Latinos.
Maybe you should teach him something
about your side of the family.
That's a good idea.
I just I don't want him
to be ashamed of who he is.
You know, I want him to be proud.
Hm, so you want him
to be a proud white man?
No, I'm just, like, saying
that I want him to be a
proud boy. Oh, God, no, that's not
I meant, like, a proud boy Rosie.
Rosie, you know I didn't mean
Rosie!
Can you believe Mayan?
Complaining that I never
tell her I'm proud of her.
I must have said it one time
behind her back accidentally.
That's gotta count for something.
You never say you're proud of me,
but luckily, thanks to my ADHD
My grandmother only told me
she was proud of me one time,
when I told child protective services
that we were playing frisbee
with a chancla.
I think you should just tell her, man.
She won't let it go. She's Gen Z. Whoa.
We're at the end of the alphabet.
Sad to think that this will be
the last generation of mankind.
If I tell her,
it'll be because she asked me,
not because I wanted to, obviously.
It would seem so just dis-indigenous.
- Disingenuous.
- That's what I said. Disin-gender-us.
Boop.
- Wow. That's a good job.
- That's a perfect blunt.
Tight as a taquito to get us
loose as a burrito.
You're so good to me, man.
You really know how to show
someone you appreciate them.
Yeah. Because I'm not a
sayer. I'm a show-er.
And I'm not a show-er.
I'm a grower,
'cause I grew all this weed.
Look at all these people in here.
I don't see why your dad
wouldn't be proud of you.
You don't think I look silly?
I actually find it much easier
to talk to you like this.
- You guys are just being nice.
- My dad was all
Don't listen to him.
Yeah, you don't need
your dad's validation.
You make great videos.
You're helping put this place
on the map.
You even eat dog food
and make it look orgasmic.
Actually, I do a little trick.
I hide a piece of turkey jerky
in my palm
and switch it at the last minute.
So you're pretending to like it?
Yeah, it's gross.
TikTok Mayan fully stands
behind the product,
but real life Mayan
thinks that crap is nasty,
which is why when I ask
for a volunteer to try it,
Brookie's gonna say
Girl, I am just a random stranger
who does not know you at all.
And that acting is why Lizzo
doesn't have a sponsorship.
Just say you want to try it
and take the jerky.
See, you've got everything worked out.
You're gonna kill it out there.
So it doesn't matter
what your dad thinks.
Just keep him out of your head.
Keep him out of my head.
Keep him out of my head.
Keep him out of my
- The big dog is here.
- He's ready to Bone
Jour.
It's gonna be hard
to keep him out of my head
when we can't keep him
out of the building.
Wow, that's a beautiful dress.
Oh, thank you.
I was talking to the lizard.
Why are you here? To make fun of me?
Well, I wasn't planning to,
but I didn't know you'd be wearing that.
Mayan D.O. Double G.
Look, I don't wanna get into a fight.
- I'm about to do my presentation.
- Okay.
Do you want a scratch
behind the ear for good luck?
Hi, everyone.
I'm Mayan Lopez, here to tell you
all about the amazing products
from Bone-jour.
They've got everything from pup-corn,
to pup-peroni, to pup-puccinos.
Hey, when a pun works, a pun works.
Most importantly, no dog
can resist its delicious taste.
Yes. And neither can I.
Mmm. Delicious.
These got me wagging for more.
Now, can I get a volunteer from
the crowd to give it a try?
Oh.
I said, can I get
a volunteer from the crowd?
Has anyone seen a bearded dragon
in a custom denim jumpsuit?
No one's trash enough to eat dog food.
I'm trash. I'll eat it.
Dad, what are you doing up here?
I'm proving that
pride isn't just saying it.
It's showing it.
Hi, everyone. I'm George Lopez.
Mayan Lopez is my daughter,
and if she says that
these treats are delicious,
then by gum, they're delicious.
Oh, well, let me get you some.
Now you and your dog
can eat out of the same bowl.
- No, Dad, don't
- Mmm-mm.
The flavor is just
It tastes so good, you'll want more.
Dad, no. Please don't oh.
You see?
It's delicious.
Is that my lucky penny down there?
Oh. Oh, God.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Gross! Churro's eating your vo vomit!
Oh.
It's delicious.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Gross! Churro's eating your vomit!
Churro's eating your
This will never not be funny.
Gordo, can we talk for a sec?
Okay, but make it quick,
'cause I gotta watch this video
a hundred more times.
It's about you going
by Chance Lopez at school.
- Are you mad?
- No, no.
I just I want you to learn
about where I came from.
Grandpa says you came from a long line
of squishy marshmallows.
Well, he's 90% alcohol,
so we shouldn't listen to him.
I had my DNA analyzed,
and according to the results,
I am Dutch, British, and German.
Which means I'm a purebred
filthy colonizer.
Great. That's great.
I don't blame you for changing
your last name at school.
- You're embarrassed of me.
- What? No.
I changed it so I can go
to recess earlier.
They let us out in alphabetical order.
And I'm not sure if you know this,
but V is near the end.
You know, back when I was a kid,
it was also near the end.
I wanted to get outside
before the swings were taken.
I'm just trying to get
my swing on, Daddy.
So you're not embarrassed
that someone like me is your dad?
Of course not. You're my best friend.
You really mean that, bud?
Well, my best white friend.
I'll take it.
Well, I'm no longer a brand
ambassador for Bone-jour.
They said they're going
in a different direction.
What does a lizard have
to do with dog food?
I'm so sorry, Mayan.
But you know what? Don't worry about it.
It's the Internet. In a week,
everybody would have
forgotten all about it
as soon as that crazy white
woman goes nuts at Walmart.
"That sign says this
mayonnaise is two for one.
I ain't putting my top back on
till I get answers."
Well, I'll get another sponsorship
'cause I'm good at this.
I make great videos
when my father doesn't throw up in them.
Well, believe it or not,
I was trying to help you.
Look, it's okay.
I realized that I don't
need your validation
or anyone else's.
I'm proud of myself
and my accomplishments
and I shouldn't be afraid to say it.
Well, this has all left
a bad taste in my mouth.
What, that I'm a successful,
competent woman
who doesn't need
her daddy's approval anymore?
The dog food.
I still taste horse.
And it wasn't even real horse.
So I have a confession.
Chance's father is Wilmer Valderrama?
No. I actually never ate the dog food.
I always switched it with turkey jerky.
Wait a minute.
So you were pretending to eat
those disgusting dog treats
this whole time?
- Yeah.
- And you were scamming everybody, Mayan?
- Yep.
- You're an incredible liar
And I'm so proud of you.
Did you just say you were proud of me?
I did, Mayan, and I meant it too.
That's all I ever wanted to hear.
I thought you didn't need my validation.
Just let me have this.
- I really am an amazing dad, Mayan
- Okay. Yup.
And I think you should tell
me more, and buy me more stuff.
Okay. Yep, I knew this was gonna happen.
- We were so close. Okay!
- I love you so much. Ow!
Dad? Where are you?
Oh, Mayan, we're in here.
These are fantastic, by
the way. Thank you.
- What's up?
- This place is pretty cool.
Thanks for not doing it in the house
in front of my seven year old.
A record player? Sweet.
Okay! This is where the party's at!
What's up? Whoo!
Mayan, something is burning in the
Ay, fiesta!
- Oh, I love this song.
- Oh.
Are you watching "Born in East L.A."?
Oh! Ay! It's my favorite.
I liked this place better, Oscar,
when it was less popular.