Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil (2005) s01e08 Episode Script

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[ choirboys vocalizing ]
SPECIAL FATHER:
Thank you, Brian, for staying
to help fluff my cassock.
BRIAN:
Sure, no problem, Father.
SPECIAL FATHER:
Maybe we should continue
this in my quarters
so we don't
disturb the choir.
BRIAN:
Sure, Father.
[ vocalizing continues ]
SPECIAL FATHER:
Right over here is fine, Brian.
BRIAN:
Yes, Father.
SPECIAL FATHER:
Are you thirsty?
I think I have some soda.
BRIAN:
I am thirsty.
[ pop-top opens ]
SPECIAL FATHER:
Have a seat, Brian.
We don't often have time to talk these days.
I feel like I only see you
at evening mass.
BRIAN:
Yes, Father.
Sorry, Father.
SPECIAL FATHER:
Such a good-looking boy.
You must have lots of girlfriends.
BRIAN:
No, Father, not really.
SPECIAL FATHER:
Perfectly normal, boy your
age to have, you knowurges.
Really?
SPECIAL FATHER:
Mmm, sure.
Mind if I sit down next to you,
Brian?
BRIAN:
No, Father.
[ choir ]
If you're thinking ♪
BRIAN:
[ hisses ]
SPECIAL FATHER:
Aaaah! Aaaah!
Let go!
Let go of me, boy!
Let go!
Aaaah!
[ choir ]
♪Boy, oh, boy, have I got
news for you ♪
Everybody
Ohh!
Someone's off-key.
[ choir director ]
Sopranos.
[ choir ]
♪Let me tell you ♪
[ choir director ]
Um, Jason, you're a little flat.
♪Ooh ♪
JASON:
Aaaah!
[ choir director ]
[ screaming ]
[ choir ]
♪'Cause we're gonna
boogie oogie oogie ♪
Till we just can't boogie no more
[ piano riff plays ]
Boogie no more ♪
Ooh ooh ♪
Boogie no more ♪
Get down
Boogie oogie oogie ♪
Get down
Boogie oogie oogie ♪
Get down
Boogie oogie oogie ♪
Get down
Get down
Boogie oogie oogie ♪
Get down
Boogie oogie oogie ♪
Get down
Boogie oogie oogie ♪
Get down
ARCHBISHOP GOMEZ:
Get in.
[ car doors close ]
ARCHBISHOP GOMEZ:
We've got a problem, a big
problem, and we need your help.
What is it, Archbishop Gomez?
That's all right.
You can call me Archie.
Everyone does.
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
Okay, Archie.
Vampire altar boys are
preying on priests
throughout the city --
Vampire choirboys, too.
All due respect, Archie, but
we got out of the vampire game
a long time ago.
We are searching now for the --
ARCHBISHOP GOMEZ:
I'm aware of your mission,
Father,
but this problem is especially acute for us.
We believe this is the first
wave of an all-out vampire
assault against the church.
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
Archie, the Jesuits have a
great training program.
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
I know three or four good
vampire guys have come out --
Dead!
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
What?
Dead.
They're all dead.
You're our last hope.
Sorry to interrupt.
I don't know if you know much
about the Antichrist,
but her presence on Earth means
the end of days!
Vampire choirboys will be the least of your problems
if we don't complete our mission.
Hey, I got an idea.
Maybe we kill the Antichrist,
and then we check in with you
about the vampires
before we go back to Rome.
ARCHBISHOP GOMEZ:
You will help us with this problem right now!
Um
[clears throat]
Or perhaps you'd like to face
criminal charges
in this country for some of your
less orthodox
Antichrist hunting methods.
What the [bleep]!
The Pope himself sent us.
Sister, Sister, Sister.
SISTER:
Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
Stop.
SISTER:
No.
Yes.
SISTER:
[ growls ]
Thank you.
Watch TV.
[ growls ]
[ television turns on ]
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
We understand, Archie.
Perhaps we can help.
After all, the concerns of the
church are our concerns as well.
Oh!
Oh, my God!
I totally forgot.
Uh, we left our vampire stuff
back at Rome.
That's not a problem.
ARCHBISHOP GOMEZ:
Oh, we're here.
I'd like you to meet someone.
SISTER:
Can I bring this cognac?
This is Nightshade.
He knows how to sharpen a stake,
shall we say.
Nightshade, I'm sure you know
who these two men are.
I'm familiar with your work.
Welcome to San Francisco, or, as
I call it, "San Fran."
And this is a Special Sister.
A little less experienced with
vampires than her colleagues,
perhaps, but she --
The most deadly assassin nun
the Catholic Church
has ever produced.
You need no introduction.
Thanks, kid.
But why don't you take your lips off my ass
and just tell me who to kill?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sister!
I like your spirit.
Let me just give you a quickie
primer, okay?
SISTER:
[ groans ]
First of all, as I'm sure the Special Fathers
will tell you,
hunting vampires, well,
forget everything you've seen
in the movies. It's all bunk.
- SISTER: Sunlight?
- NIGHTSHADE: Oh, no.
Actually, okay.
Sunlight is real.
Sunlight can kill a vampire.
SISTER:
Stake in the heart?
NIGHTSHADE:
Yeah, hold on.
Let me give you my spiel, okay?
SISTER:
Sorry.
NIGHTSHADE:
Forget what you've seen in
the movies.
It's all bunk.
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
You know, Nightshade, I've
heard that line in the movies.
SPECIAL FATHER #2:
I have, too.
NIGHTSHADE:
Can I continue?
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
Sorry, go ahead.
NIGHTSHADE:
So, crosses -- they work, right?
No, they don't.
If crosses worked, would we have
vampire altar boys?
SISTER:
Oh, right.
The altar boy carries the cross.
NIGHTSHADE:
Garlic -- just a mild food allergy.
If you want to give a vampire
the runs,
cook them Ziti with
some garlic sauce.
Good to know.
Get ready to [bleep] vampires!
All right.
Now I get to show off.
Even these guys don't know about this stuff.
Follow me.
Holy crap!
This is Louie.
LOUIE:
[ growling ]
Hungry, Louie?
[ growling ]
NIGHTSHADE:
Oh, yes, very hungry.
SPECIAL FATHER #2:
I see, a captive subject to
study in detail and test
new methods on.
Uh
Well, that's a good idea, too.
Um, I was just thinking more of just like a pet.
My friend has a python.
He was like, "I have a python."
I was like, "Oh, yeah?
You should come over to my place sometime."
He came over, and I was like,
um, "Vampire!"
So
Wow, you are a real nerd.
LOUIE:
[ growling ]
Shut up, Louie!
I did discover something interesting by accident.
[ balloon inflating ]
[ growling loudly ]
You see? Terrified.
Absolutely [bleep] terrified of balloons.
[ growling hysterically ]
Whoa.
That is so awful.
Yes, you're being cruel.
Cruel?
NIGHTSHADE:
Louie killed 35 people at a
midnight mass last Christmas.
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
Last Christmas?
How long has this been going on?
Well, we thought it was isolated --
One church, maybe two.
My God.
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
You covered it up.
ARCHBISHOP GOMEZ:
We covered it up.
But now it's spread.
You have to help us.
[ choirboys vocalizing ]
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
Excuse me. Pardon me.
[ growling ]
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
Sister, now!
SISTER:
Die, mother [bleep].
SPECIAL FATHER #2:
That was easy.
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
Yeah, really easy.
They sent you here after
Father Murphy disappeared.
Yes.
And Father Murphy, how long did he serve here?
Just a week, I think.
Hmm.
They just kept sending priests.
Like staying in
and ordering take-out.
Hey, turn your head.
Have you been bitten?
Aaaaaah!
Oh, whoops, got a little
trigger-happy there, Sister.
You don't turn if you've been bitten.
That's in the movies.
I [bleep] up.
Yes, you did [bleep] up.
Whatever.
Sorry!
To become a vampire, you have to drink their blood.
I'm sorry!
All right, clean up this mess, please.
Fine.
[ up-tempo music plays ]
My feet are killing me.
[ high-pitched voice ]
Yeah, tough week.
Satisfying, though.
[ high-pitched voice ]
Like old times.
Enough with the helium.
Sister, where are you going?
SISTER:
I'm going to pee.
Take some balloons.
SISTER:
I don't want any balloons.
I'm sick of balloons.
Uh-oh!
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
Sister!
They took her!
SPECIAL FATHER #2:
Oh, head rush.
[ choirboys vocalizing ]
[ vampire choir boys in unison ]
Lady Priest, with hate in
your love and mercy,
I drink your blood.
Let it bring health in mind
and body.
SISTER:
[bleep] you!
Ow!
VAMPIRE CHOIR BOY:
May the blood of this fat lady
bring me to everlasting life.
Suck it, freak!
I'll never be one of you!
VAMPIRE CHOIR BOY:
No, sister, you will never be
one of us.
We're gonna bleed you out,
and you will die.
You can't turn me.
Your dark, erotic power has no effect on me.
Okay, that's no problem.
SISTER:
Why the church?
Why priests?
Why me?
Taste -- priests taste good.
[ screams ]
I might taste good to you,
but your strange,
immortal blood doesn't taste
good to me.
You can't make me drink your
androgynous yet powerful juices.
We're not trying to.
SISTER:
Well, good, 'cause I don't
want it.
Then we agree.
SISTER:
Yes!
Finally. We agree to agree.
VAMPIRE CHOIR BOY:
We'll just agree to agree, then.
Yes.
VAMPIRE CHOIR BOY:
You bleed and die
No!
VAMPIRE CHOIR BOY:
We drink your blood.
No!
VAMPIRE CHOIR BOY:
Less talking, more dying.
No, more talking, less dying.
VAMPIRE CHOIR BOY:
Just shut up and die.
No!
Let's keep talking.
VAMPIRE CHOIR BOY:
All you have to do is bleed!
Have you seen
any movies lately?
VAMPIRE CHOIR BOY:
What?
Have you gone to see any movies?
VAMPIRE CHOIR BOY:
No!
What's your favorite TV show?
[ crash ]
[ shouting indistinctly ]
High-output, full-spectrum, baby!
Ha ha!
4,200 lumens.
[ Special Father #1 normal voice ]
You'll be all right now, Sister.
[ Special Father #1 normal voice ]
You'll be all right now, Sister.
You'll be all right.
SISTER:
Jesus was sticking into my
kidneys.
[ Special Father #2 normal voice ]
You said it, Sister.
ARCHBISHOP GOMEZ:
I can't thank you all enough.
The church owes you
the greatest debt.
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
Archie, you've been bitten.
ARCHBISHOP GOMEZ:
What?
SISTER:
Aaaaaah!
ARCHBISHOP GOMEZ:
[ groans ]
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
Sister!
SISTER:
Oops, I forgot.
ARCHBISHOP GOMEZ:
[ groans ]
SPECIAL FATHER #1:
No, don't pull it out.
SISTER:
Uh, sorry.
Guess I made a mistake.
ARCHBISHOP GOMEZ:
A "missed stake."
[ all laughing ]
SPECIAL FATHER #2:
That was a bit funny!
Pretty funny!
ARCHBISHOP GOMEZ:
It's like the end of a
"Scooby-doo" episode.