Mating Season (2026) s01e08 Episode Script

1
Hey, Ray, you find anything yummy to eat?
Um, I found this warm, yellow Gatorade
in a Poland Spring bottle.
-Hoho! Yes, please!
-[car honking]
Okay, class, gather 'round.
Ms. Addy has something
very important to teach you.
You always want to stay
away from the highway,
because you don't want
to end up like Harry.
[kids exclaiming]
Hey, kids, I thought
it'd be cool to cross the road.
But now I'm flat. Don't be like me.
Smoking's fine, though. [coughing]
So remember, kids,
only losers hang out by the highway.
Hey! I'm not a loser. I got a PhD.
A pretty hairy dick, right?
[both laughing]
Here's a little song so you never forget.
Whoa, who's the goose?
Never ever go into the road ♪
-It's as simple as that ♪
-Whoa!
Never ever go into the road
Or else you will go splat! ♪
Who is that?
She's got the voice of an angel.
-My leaf!
-Ethan, stop!
-[truck horn blaring]
-Huh?
-Oh shit!
-[horn blaring]
-Oh, boy.
-No!
[Ray shouts]
Stay down, kid. Stay down.
-I got you, kid.
-[whimpers]
Oh! Mr. Raccoon, you're a hero!
-[all cheering]
-A hero? Well, I-- I guess I am.
-Way to go, Ray. I'm so proud of you.
-[truck horn blaring]
Fuck me!
["Fooled Around and Fell in Love"
by Elvin Bishop playing]
Fooled around and fell in love ♪
I fooled around and fell in love ♪
I fooled around and fell in love ♪
I fooled around and fell in love ♪
[song fading]
[all] Thank you, Mr. Raccoon
For saving our friend ♪
From getting his guts and brain
Smeared across the highway ♪
Aww!
I drew a picture of you saving me
from being obliterated.
Thank you, Ethan. How sweet,
and oddly graphic?
[giggling] So, Mr. Raccoon, why don't you
tell the class about yourself?
Oh, okay. Well…
[clears throat] I'm Ray.
I'm not quite a rodent,
but I'm rodent adjacent.
-I work in trash. I'm-- I'm a trashy guy.
-[laughs]
Sounds like Ray is a treasure hunter!
-Oh! Oh, okay, I like that take.
-[kids exclaiming]
And if you ask me, very brave.
Oh, please.
I just did what any other "hero" would do.
I'm sorry I assumed you were a loser
just because you hang out
by the side of the highway.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm a brave and dashing treasure hunter.
I think we all learned today,
there's more to Ray than meets the eye.
-Wow, that's very kind and unexpected.
-[kids exclaiming]
Thank you, Mrs. Goose.
Please, call me Addy. And it's Ms.
[clears throat] Ms.? Does that uh--
Does that mean that-- that you're single?
[giggling] I am.
Oh! I… Well, I'm single too.
[laughing] So I guess you
can call me "Ms. Ray." If you're nasty!
Oh, you're funny, Ms. Ray.
[upbeat music playing]
[Josh] Damn. What a handsome couple.
I know, right? You can like
picture them having sex.
Phew! That was a hell of a swim, Arnold.
My lungs are on fire.
-I know, right? It's the best feeling.
-Yeah…
Now you can look yourself in the eyes
and say, "I did a thing."
Lucky me.
-Hey, do you want to stay for a drink?
-No way.
-I'd never poison my body with alcohol.
-Oh.
Adulting.
Am I right? [bleating annoyingly]
-Yeah. That's funny.
-Yeah. See you this weekend for tennis?
I… You won't ever let me say no.
[laughs annoyingly] Awesomesauce.
-[Penelope] Ooh.
-Damn.
-[Josh whistles]
-[Penelope] Wow.
So… Arnold.
Seems like it's getting serious.
I mean, he checks all the boxes.
He's attractive…
He's not gay, not married,
We didn't meet at my mother's funeral--
Those are the boxes?
But like, on a soul level?
Like who he is? I think I might…
-Hate him?
-Ooh.
-Yeah, that's a concern.
-Hello, friends.
-[all] Hey.
-I had the best morning of my life!
-I saved a child from certain death.
-Mm-hmm.
And his teacher, this amazing goose lady,
told me there's more to me
than meets the eye!
Let me guess, you took her back
to your place and now she has herpes.
What? No! Sex didn't even occur to me.
[all] Oh! Ugly goose.
No, no, no! She's the most
beautiful animal I've ever seen.
-[both] Oh!
-Her feathers moist yet firm.
Her bill, the perfect shade of orange.
And when I'm with her, you guys, it…
it feels like the world is singing to me.
Oh my God,
you are like totally gaga for this goose.
What? No!
I don't know,
it sounds like you're in love with her.
-Oh, please! Love is a scam.
-Mmm-hmm.
It's for suckers, schmucks, and losers.
I just like her!
You know, on a soul level.
Like who she is…
-Aww.
-[skeptically] Really?
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go scavenging
because I feel compelled
to give Addy gifts
and be around her as much as possible.
Wow! He is so smitten…
-[sighs] I want to be smitten.
-Me too!
Well, if you want to meet someone,
you gotta get out there. Try new things.
Okay… New things… What is a new thing?
How about we… ehhh,
go back to your place and smoke weed?
Oh, that sounds fun.
-No! You guys do that all the time.
-Yeah, we like it.
Here's an idea,
why don't you come play tennis
with me and Arnold this weekend?
-Mmm, I don't know.
-Yeah, because I've got that knee thing.
-Yeah, Penelope's knees and…
-Remember?
Come on, please? I need a buffer.
He is so annoying when he plays tennis.
You're not really selling us on it.
I don't know, an annoying activity,
with an annoying guy? Could be fun!
-Hiya, kids.
-[kids] Hi, Mr. Ray.
-Aww, hey, Ray.
-Hi! Hey!
-Addy, hello.
-[giggles] Hi.
I thought maybe your class could use
a rusty hubcap with oil smudges on it,
and poof! Look what appeared!
That is so sweet and thoughtful!
Nah! Not as sweet and thoughtful as you.
Ooh, Mr. Ray is in love with Miss Addy.
No, I'm not "in love" with her, Ethan.
-All right, kids, gather 'round.
-[whimsical music playing]
Mr. Ray is gonna teach you
a little something about…
Love, sweet love ♪
It's for losers, it's for chumps ♪
Pathetic sentimentals
With their dicks in the dumps ♪
It turns your mind to mush
And leaves you half in a trance ♪
No more prowlin', no more growlin'
Now you mince and you prance ♪
You'll be taking weekly showers
Even start wearing pants ♪
It's predictable as ABC ♪
That ain't for me ♪
Someday I want a family
With a sweet loving wife ♪
Ha! Marriage is a con
And kids will ruin your life ♪
-But all the fairy tales and movies ♪
-They're a big crock of shit ♪
Can I still love my mommy?
My advice? Don't commit ♪
'Cause love is for
Flunkies, patsies, and schmucks ♪
The more of it you swallow
The more that it sucks ♪
It's a poison pill that turns
The toughest cocks into cucks ♪
Doormats and peons ♪
Stooges and morons ♪
Love is for losers
Not for me ♪
Yeah!
-Hey, Addy…
-Hi, Ray! Back again?
Oh, yeah! You know, I found this one boot,
and I put a bunch of flowers in it.
I don't know, maybe it's stupid.
Maybe it's perfect.
-I love it.
-Aww.
But… I'm wondering if all the gifts
and dirty needles you've been bringing me
are just an excuse to see me?
Right. And you want me to get lost.
I suck.
-I should stick my head in an oven.
-No, silly.
If you want to spend time with me,
you can just ask me out.
-I can?
-Yeah.
I mean, I know I can, and I will.
So… [clears throat]
Addy, would you, uh…
would you like to go on a date with me?
-Ray…
-Yeah?
I would love to.
-Yeah?
-Yeah!
-Ho-Ho! Whee!
-[Addy giggles]
-[grunts]
-[groaning] Ow!
-[both laughing]
-Thirty love.
-Babe, maybe take it easy on them?
-[scoffs]
And soil the integrity of the game?
No way.
-Oh! Goodness gracious!
-[both laughing]
You're not as heavy as you seem.
Forty love.
Why the hell are they laughing?
I'm sorry, Arnold.
It's just funny how bad we are.
-And how angry that makes you.
-It's not fun if you're not trying!
Could you maybe just try?
I'm sorry, but we're… we're just
having so much fun watching him freak out.
[yelling] Oh, yeah? Well, prepare to have
a fuckin' blast, 'cause I quit!
-[grunts]
-[Josh] Oh!
-Bye! Gonna miss you!
-Fawn! Are you coming?
Yep! Guess I have to…
-Novices drive me crazy!
-That was so fun.
Bye, bitch.
-Joshy?
-Yes?
-Now can we go smoke weed at my place?
-Oh, I really would like that.
[classical music playing]
[Ray] Hi. Uh, hi. Excuse me?
Down-- Down here.
-Oui.
-Uh, reservation for Raynal Skidski?
-Ugh. Right this way.
-[imitating frog] Ugh. Right this way.
[both laughing]
Hey, whoa, whoa, buddy. You pullin'
out the chair from under my date?
You trying to prank her?
Monsieur Skidski,
this is a four-star restaurant,
not, uh, Impractical Gophers.
Ugh! I love that show. What a jerk!
Yeah, and now he's staring
like I'm gonna steal all the forks!
Which, you know, of course I want to do,
but I'm not gonna,
so stop lookin' at me!
Ray, you know, we don't have to stay here.
I know, but you're so pretty and smart.
I-- I wanted to take you someplace fancy
and show you a special time.
Any time with you is a special--
I'm sorry,
that frog's still looking at us.
Dude! He's not taking the forks, okay?
You think I want to take
your who's-its and what's-its?
-Yeah! Look somewhere else, asshole!
-Yeah!
-I called him an asshole!
-Look at you!
-Should we just get out of here?
-Yeah! Where should we go?
We can go anywhere!
-Just… hold on to my feet.
-Okay…
-And take all the forks!
-[laughing] Okay, I'll take 'em all.
[magical music playing]
Hold on to my feet ♪
-And we'll rise above the forest floor ♪
-Whoa!
To sail above the treetops
And winding streams ♪
Oh God, it's terrifying! ♪
-Yes, hold on to my feet ♪
-Whoa!
There's valleys, hills
And so much more ♪
That stretch out far beyond
Your wildest dreams ♪
Holy shit, I'm flying ♪
And we will soar so high ♪
Above the land ♪
I've never felt so alive ♪
With my webbed and willing feet
In your tiny hands ♪
I'm such a lucky guy ♪
Both literally and metaphorically ♪
-Together we will fly ♪
-Together we will fly ♪
And life will be so sweet
If you'll just hold on ♪
-Hold on to my feet ♪
-Hold on to your feet ♪
[both slurping and munching]
Mmm! Best date ever.
Yeah, I still can't believe
there's a top to the trees!
-I thought they just kept going. [laughs]
-[giggles]
-I've never taken a guy flying before.
-Really?
No. And again,
I'm so sorry for pooping on your face.
Please, it's white. It's pure.
Like your heart.
Aww, Ray.
-Addy, I-- I need to say something.
-Yeah?
It's really scary and kinda stupid,
but I…
I like you.
-Ray…
-No, I more than like you.
You cheeseball.
I… I more than like you too.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-[Addy] Mmm.
-[tranquil music playing]
-[lighter flicking]
-[Josh coughing and laughing]
Hey! Who am I?
[in deep voice] "It's not fun
if you don't try, Josh!"
"I'm gonna hit this pinecone
right in your pussy!"
"Awesomesauce!" [bleats]
Ah! This is fun.
-It's so fun.
-Yeah…
I wish I could find this,
you know, but with a girl.
Yes, me too, but with
a girl who likes boys because I'm…
I'm a boy.
Wait, I just had an amazing idea.
And it's not just 'cause I'm high.
-I mean, it might be, but it's good.
-Okay?
What if…
what we have right here is exactly…
-…what we've been looking for all along?
-All along!
Yes! We don't need
some idealized concept of romance.
We can be gaga for each other.
-Yes, like a platonic couple!
-Friends with emotional benefits!
Penelope, you are a genius.
No, we are a genius, baby.
-[dejected] Hey, guys.
-Fawn, Fawn, Fawn! We figured it out!
We don't need to date other animals,
because we are a platonic couple.
Isn't that just friendship?
Hey, don't diminish our bond when you're
the one dating the "bro-goat" from hell.
Ugh, I know.
I have to dump Arnold, right?
-Oh yeah. He's awful.
-He kinda makes me think less of you.
-He's a cunt.
-[door opens]
Hello, friends. This is Addy.
-Hi, guys!
-[both] Hi, Addy.
To me, she is my girlfriend.
Together, we more than like each other.
-Okay.
-Now you may clap.
-Oh my God!
-[chuckles] Thank you, Ray.
That was quite an introduction.
Isn't she just the best?
Oh! Baby, tell them your nickname for me.
-It's "Cheeseball."
-Oh, Cheeseball!
-That's really nice.
-"Cheeseball"?
Right? Because I'm small and delicious,
and I leave a little residue
on your fingies.
-And on my heart.
-[sighing]
I absolutely pity anyone
that doesn't have this feeling.
[Fawn] Oh, fuck.
You're my salty little cheeseball.
Yeah, and you're my thick-ass goose.
[Fawn] Oh God. Ray is in love?
Actually, I'm in love too!
-Wait, what?
-Yeah, you were gonna dump Arnold.
No, you foolish dope fiends.
Things are going great with him.
-Okay.
-Um…
So, yeah, I guess we're both
in flourishing relationships.
-Hell yeah!
-We all are!
[shouting] No!
What you guys are doing doesn't count!
Whoa!
-[Fawn panting]
-[Arnold bleating mockingly]
-Babe, your posterior chain is so weak!
-[weakly] Sure is.
Isn't this hike phenomenal?
-It's great. Can we take a break?
-Fawn.
-Yeah.
-I want to level up our relationship.
-Level up?
-I mustache you a question.
Sure.
-Do you want to meet my family tonight?
-Oh! Um…
[Ray] I pity anyone
that doesn't have this feeling…
Earth to Fawn! Hello?
Of course!
Why wouldn't I want to meet your family?
We're in a flourishing relationship.
-Amazeballs! [bleating annoyingly]
-Yeah!
Amazeballs, indeed.
[scatting merrily]
Oh, Addy, baby.
I brought you some stale bread for lunch.
-[laughing] Oh my God, that's so funny!
-I know!
What's, uh… What's so funny?
Oh, one of the kids
called us "Mommy" and "Daddy."
[laughing] Oh! Oh, that is funny,
because the kid is, you know, such a…
a stupid fuckin' schmuck, right?
I mean, it's understandable,
we do spend a lot of time together.
[laughs] Well, you are my work wife!
She's not your wife.
And you're my work husband!
-[laughing] You're not married.
-Oh, Ray, don't worry.
-It's not like that.
-It's just…
It's a purely professional partnership
With a healthy dose of affection ♪
Affection?
We're just so in sync
With the way we think ♪
We got an uncommon connection ♪
Not helping.
We share countless silly inside jokes
And we laugh ourselves delirious ♪
-How cute.
-Remember when you did that thing? ♪
-Oh, the thing? ♪
-No, the other thing! ♪
-Yes! ♪
-Hilarious! ♪
Not laughing.
Well, you're my work husband ♪
And, baby, you're my work wife ♪
"Baby"?
For 40 fantastic hours a week
You bring joy into my life ♪
Don't love that.
We're a workplace bride and groom ♪
On a hands-off honeymoon ♪
What the fuck?
And we're close as any
Friendship can get to ♪
Love ♪
You killed that!
Me? You're the one who nailed the ending.
[scoffs] I don't know.
It's no "Hold On To My Feet," remember?
-From before? You and me without him?
-Well, I thought it was terrific.
-Hey, Ethan, come here.
-Yeah?
I'm really starting to regret
not letting you die.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
-[bong bubbling]
-Whoa.
It reeks in here.
Have you two just
been doing bong rips all day?
-Absolutely.
-Affirmative.
Yeah, some of us actually like
spending time with our partners.
-I like spending time with Arnold!
-You don't. No one does.
In fact, I'm meeting
his "parental units" tonight.
-Really?
-Yikes.
Which is what he calls them,
and I think that's cool.
-Oh, Fawn…
-Yeah, that is not cool.
Hey! Don't pity me!
At least I'm in a real relationship.
Uh, so are we.
Oh, yeah? What about sex?
Are you just gonna never have sex again?
[laughs] Okay! You know what?
For your information,
every few hours I go into the bathroom,
and I spank the monkey
like he tried to escape
from a pharmaceutical laboratory.
-Ew.
-Yeah, and while he's doing that,
I am tantalizing my own nethers
right here on the couch!
[sighs] Oh my God.
Arnold might be profoundly annoying,
but at least I'm getting laid.
Wow. Okay, can you believe her?
[laughs] She's… She's obsessed with sex.
Yeah! I mean, who needs sex?
-I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
-And I am gonna do what I do out here.
-Don't come in.
-Of course not!
We have a system. It's good.
-Hey, Addy baby?
-Yes, Cheeseball?
I was thinking, since,
you know, we're an item now…
um, maybe you shouldn't sing
with Gregg anymore.
What? Why not?
Well… I think he's got
a little thing for you.
-[laughing] Gregg?
-Yeah.
-No, he doesn't!
-Eh…
Ray, we're just friends,
like you and Fawn and Penelope.
Yeah, but, you know, I don't really sing
with Fawn and Penelope.
-Oh my God, Ray.
-I'm telling you!
Look, he's waiting for you
to realize that you're too good for me,
so he can swoop in with his fancy wings
and his semi-aquatic lifestyle.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ray.
-Yeah?
-Hey.
-Yeah?
-I like you.
-Perfect!
-But-- But--
-Great. Uh-huh.
I am allowed to sing with whoever I want.
-Uh-huh. I know.
-And Gregg is a big part of my life.
So I think that it would actually be nice
if the two of you could be friends.
Uh, yeah, sure.
Friends… life… part of… Gregg… right?
-Thank you!
-Yeah!
[laughs nervously] Gregg.
Uh-oh! Flower delivery
for Mr. and Mrs. Arnold's parents!
-Not!
-[both bleating annoyingly]
Dad!
Oh! Those must be for us.
-[gobbling]
-I'm sorry. What's happening?
Don't talk to my wife
until she's had her flowers.
-Mah wife!
-[all bleating annoyingly]
Oh my…
Meeting the parents, huh?
Sounds like things are "getting serious."
-Why so serious?
-[all bleating annoyingly]
-Mom! You're so fucking funny!
-Ha-ha.
Yeah, I could really use
a truly enormous glass of wine.
Ugh, we don't drink.
But I can whip you up some booby juice.
Oh…
Her milk is da bomb dot com.
Is that hurting her,
or is she enjoying it?
-Both.
-Both.
-Mah wife!
-Again?
-[all bleating annoyingly]
-Oh God. This is my life now…
So, yeah, I've… I've been thinking
about what Fawn said.
Me too…
And I-- I would like to have sex again
at some point, theoretically.
And I'd love to… "get up in dat poose."
-Of course. "Da poose."
-Yeah.
This might be super weird,
but have you ever considered, uh,
"bouncin' on that D crazy style"?
-What? No.
-I don't know why I put it like that.
-No, actually, never.
-I see.
But, like, we are supposed
to be trying new things.
"And bouncing on dat D"
would be deeply new.
-Not that deep.
-Yeah! Let's-- Let's do it!
And by "it," I mean it.
Really? Okay! No, okay! Here we go!
-Yeah.
-Prepare your loins.
I-- I am ready.
-Sex.
-With you.
-Consent to squeeze your breasts?
-Consent granted.
Okay.
Are… you aroused?
-I am not.
-That's normal. Don't worry about that.
Okay, well, how about I wiggle
your penis all around, huh?
Have at it, hoss.
-Okay, hmm…
-Uh…
Oh, here she is.
-Mrs. Penis.
-Mrs. Penis?
Wow! She's so wiggly.
Whee-whoo, whee-whoo.
Okay! Okay, that's enough.
She doesn't like that.
-Oh! Sorry!
-No, no, no. I'm sorry.
Maybe Fawn was right.
Maybe we're just really good friends.
Yeah, but is that so terrible?
I mean, not everybody's lucky enough
to have such a good friend.
Yeah! What we have is awesome!
I mean, I love Ray and Fawn,
but they don't get me like you do.
Aw! And they definitely
don't know your middle name.
-Abdul-Rasheed.
-Abdul-Rasheed.
-[bird] Allahu Akbar ♪
-Oh, look at that. It's time to pray.
[Gregg humming contentedly]
-Hey, Gregg.
-Hi, Ray!
You know, Addy would really like it
if you and I were friends.
-Oh! Well--
-As a token of my esteem,
I brought you this baseball
signed by Pete Rose that says,
"I'm sorry for betting on baseball."
-Wow! Thanks, Ray.
-Uh-huh.
Well, I'm glad things are going so well.
You're a very lucky raccoon.
Lucky? What, uh…
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing! It's just…
I mean, Addy's amazing.
-And what, Gregg, I'm not?
-What?
Is that what you're saying?
-That she's too good for me?
-No!
Oh I knew it!
You think because you both got
your long necks and your good voices.
and your pecker goes corkscrew like this,
and her wawa goes corkscrew like that,
you'd be a perfect match?
Hey, buddy.
Are you having sexual problems?
You shut your goddamn beak!
Oh, yeah, you're not singing
so pretty now, are you?
-Please! Stop!
-Never!
Ray! Ray! Oh my God! What are you doing?
Let go of him!
-[crash]
-[kids crying]
Okay, look. I understand what you
saw may have been upsetting to you, but--
Ray! Even my kids know
that we don't put our paws on each other.
-Last time I try to kill Gregg. I promise.
-Ugh.
So, what do you
want to do for dinner tonight?
Ray, I'm not having dinner with you.
So what?
We just gonna fly around the forest,
sing some love songs?
-No! We're done!
-What?
I can't be with someone
who attacks my friends.
That's, like, rabid behavior.
-[annoyed] Okay, there it is.
-What?
I knew sooner or later you'd decide
you were too good for me.
Ray.
And then you'd dump me
like the piece of garbage that I am.
I feel sorry for you.
Why?
Because I have hepatitis A, B, and seven?
-No.
-Is that why?
Because clearly
you don't believe that you deserve love.
All right,
don't psychoanalyze me, sweetheart.
-[sighs]
-I'm beyond diagnosis.
Goodbye, Ray.
I guess your worlds
were just too different.
Why can't grown-ups make it-- ♪
Nope! No song for Ethan!
-So, Fawn, you were right.
-Huh?
-Josh and I attempted sex.
-And it went catastrophically.
It's, uh… It's not a match.
We're not a romantic match.
-Mm-hmm.
-Like Addy and Ray or you and Arnold.
[glumly] Yeah, me and Arnold.
Ugh! Give me four shots.
-Hey!
-[grumbles]
Oh, you got us drinks?
You've never done that befo--
Oh, they're for you.
Um, where's Addy?
Who cares?
I'm done with that white goose bitch.
-Oh no, what happened?
-That was sadly fast.
Wait a second. Oh my God! She dumped you?
It was mutual!
[laughing triumphantly] Thank you, Ray!
I've gotta go see Arnold!
[majestic music playing]
Oh! Hey there, Fawn.
-I hate you.
-Huh?
I hate everything about you.
-I hate your laugh.
-Oh.
-I hate your family.
-Oh no.
-I hate your fucking guts!
-Whoa.
And I came here tonight
because when you realize
you don't want to spend
the rest of your life with somebody,
you want the rest of your life to start
as soon as possible.
You're dumped.
Whoa, wait, hang on.
I mustache you one question. Please--
Nope! [laughs merrily]
[grumbling]
Hey! Hey, watch it, asshole!
Oh! Aw…
Doormats and peons ♪
Stooges and morons ♪
Stupid fuckin' Ethan!
Love is for losers ♪
Not for me! ♪
[sweeping music playing]