White Famous (2017) s01e08 Episode Script
Make Believe
1 [FLOYD.]
Yo, homies, here's what's been happening on White Famous.
Floyd, this is Kali.
We've been writing together on her new album.
This is Trevor's dad, Floyd.
Yeah, I know who Trevor's dad Floyd is.
So what, Sadie's been talking about me, huh? I saw you down at the J-Spot.
You don't even know who I am, do you? Yeah, I do.
You're Kali.
I just met you.
But you don't know what I do.
Huge fan.
Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Your voice speaks to my soul.
If you don't mind, maybe don't go there.
- How you mean? - If she and I start working together, it could get weird.
- Come here.
- Mm.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC .]
She fuckin' ghosted on me, Balls.
Hell, serves you right, motherfucker.
Shit, how many women have you ghosted - in your lifetime? - Man, I know.
But we had a good time.
Like, a real good time.
So you're saying you actually care about this girl.
I don't know.
It it's just rude.
Oh, man, maybe she didn't have such a good time.
Nah, that's impossible.
How do you know? A guy just knows, Balls.
Maybe you're sexually incompatible, man.
Now, see, now you're talking some science fiction shit.
I don't know.
Maybe she likes another level of dude, like, movie star handsome.
Who knows? Maybe you turned her into a bean flickin' lesbo.
I don't know! Why you coming down so hard on me? 'Cause I'm in a funk, nigga.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Fuckin' Teddy, man, just keeps calling.
And why you in a funk, anyway, man? You're never in a funk.
Greetings, me Negroes.
You gave this motherfucker a key? Yeah, man I got sick of him knocking and waking me up.
- Did you hear from Kali? - No.
Well, did you hear from Teddy? He keeps calling, I keep not answering.
He wants to talk to you about putting you in a new music video he's directing.
So that's what we doing now, Malcolm? Fuckin' music videos? What's next, a snuff film? What you got me as a lead in a Lifetime biopic? No, I could never get you something that big.
Look, Teddy wants to put you in a music video he's directing for Kali.
- Oh.
- Yes, "Ow.
" Too bad you're not interested.
- I didn't say that.
- No, I got another client.
Nah, when's it going down? When's it happening? When's it shooting? - Now.
- I'm on my way.
Balls, you coming with me? [GRUNTS.]
That is why I am a great agent.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC .]
[FLOYD.]
So what am I supposed to be doing in this video? I don't know.
I didn't ask.
- And you ain't think to ask? - No.
I was just so excited to bring you an offer.
So how much am I getting paid for this shit? No clue, but there's the man with the answers.
No, no, no.
Just start thinking like a filmmaker, or get the fuck out of here.
Fine, I'm going the fuck home.
You're fuckin' toxic, Teddy.
What, are you gonna quit? You're not gonna fuckin' quit.
You're not gonna fuckin' quit on me.
You're gonna take some fuckin' Pamprin, you're gonna get your mind right and get back to work.
Fuck you, D, you wanna take a fuckin' shot at me now? Fuckin' Dennis.
There he is.
I gotta call your prick fuckin' agent to get a hold of you now? I thought we had something that transcends business.
We don't? No, okay, fine.
Come on, take a walk with me.
Balls, how are you, buddy? - Keep touching my hand, man.
- You all right? So you're doing music videos now? I'm always doing music videos and commercials.
You know why? 'Cause they keep my fuckin' pool heated and they keep me away from having to do one of those stupid fuckin' comic book movies.
And all these young filmmakers, they're rotting away making that trash.
Besides, music videos can be fun but just not this one.
- Why? - Because this Kali broad is a fuckin' diva, man.
Wait, wait do you even know why you're here? Yeah, I know why I'm fuckin' here.
I don't know why you fuckin' called me.
Well, I had to fire Bradley fuckin' Cooper this morning.
Okay? Yeah, I had him all set to be in the video.
He was doing it for me because he's a friend and it was a personal favor.
But she didn't want a white guy.
And Bradley Cooper isn't even white.
He's a movie star.
Movie stars transcend color.
I mean, is Denzel black? Yes.
Denzel Washington's black? Yes, nigga, he is.
Nah, not to me he's not.
To me, he's a movie star.
Okay, it's a whole other shade.
All right, man.
So what am I doing here? I'll tell you what you're not here to do.
You're not here to fuck around, okay? You're not here to sniff puss.
You understand me? This is an epic fuckin' love song.
Okay? And I want you guys to have incredible sexual chemistry and erotic tension.
- You follow? - Yes.
I'm serious, Floyd.
Keep that nine-inch nail in your pants.
- You understand? - How you know - how long my shit is? - Ehh.
- [KALI.]
Yeah? - This fuckin' lunatic.
Let's go! Floyd.
Kali.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- How you been? - Good.
- You? - Good.
Busy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Copy that.
What the fuck? Uh, this is this is this is great chemistry.
This is this is fuckin' magic.
So you guys are like a modern-day Bogie and Bacall.
This is what the fuck, man? What the fuck? What the fuck am I gonna do? Dennis! Where the fuck is my latte? - He's a treat.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
So, uh, what's with the camera? - Uh, documentary.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Well, it kinda makes it - hard to talk openly.
- Yeah, yeah, that's You could say that.
Maybe we should text as we walk.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I would if I could, but I lost my fuckin' phone.
Oh, interesting.
No, 'cause I was wondering Why you haven't heard from me? Yeah, but you know, we're cool.
You know, this explains everything.
Does it? 'Cause maybe I would've ghosted you anyway.
[LAUGHS.]
Maybe Balls was right.
Maybe you didn't have a good time.
Why do you think you're here? 'Cause I wanted to see you again.
You know, and with my schedule, this is pretty much the only way I could.
So you go and fire Bradley Cooper.
I mean, Bradley's a doll.
But every video I have, it's always me and a white guy.
I thought, why not a hot black guy? Wait a minute, now.
I look like a piece of meat to you? You objectifying me, Ms.
Kali? - I mean, basically.
- Oh, okay.
I fucks with it.
Good.
See you on set.
Yeah.
For sure.
So where were you when you first heard Kali's music? Huh? Oh, shit.
Shit, I don't know.
I don't even know if I've heard anything.
I mean, I'm sure I have, but - So you're not an Angel Flower? - A what now? That's what she calls her fans.
Angel Flowers.
Yeah.
Right on.
Oh, my God.
This one's a dud.
So we're just gonna get some behind-the-scenes footage inside.
[SCOFFS.]
Hey.
Are you an agent? Yes.
Y-yes, indeed, I am, my dear.
I am an agent of change.
I'm an agent of good fortune.
I'm a secret agent man.
I'm, uh Agent Orange.
Who do you represent? Who don't I represent these days? But, uh, Floyd Mooney comes to mind.
- Never heard of him.
- [LAUGHS.]
He's a brilliant, young comedian.
He was just in a movie with Jamie Foxx.
Ooh, I love me some Jamie Foxx.
Ooh, Mr.
Foxxy gon' love him some of you.
What you do, girl? Are you an actor? - Singer, actress, personality.
- Wow.
- Medusssa.
Three Ss.
- Ah.
Nice! It's that third S.
Good branding.
Yeah, just trying to take it to the next level.
You know, fake it till you make it.
That is my entire raison d'être.
- What? - Nothing.
Not even remotely important.
Who else do you represent? Uh, who else do oh, oh! This fine, young comedian here.
His name's Balls.
- His name is Balls? - Yeah.
And he's a funny motherfucker.
Balls, come here.
[CLAPS.]
My man.
Say something funny.
What the fuck do I look like, a performing seal? Eh, it's more like a walrus right now.
Actually, scratch that.
You got a very Shamu vibe - going on today.
- Walrus? Shamu? Why don't you buy some new material, you fuckin' cow kisser? Hey, don't waste your time with this Slurpee jockey.
He's not even an agent.
He's just on break from 7-Eleven.
[LAUGHS.]
He is funny.
He's full of shit.
Okay, look.
And I got a Deadline article right here that says otherwise.
Just get it, director.
Make it right.
Make it right.
You're so worried about looking like you're in a fuckin' jazz band, with your fuckin' hat.
Okay? Just stay on a 284 split.
That's not a 284, is it? Put it on a 284 and leave it there.
Why does it take 25 minutes to get a latte, Bobby? - [MURMURS INDISTINCTLY.]
- Please t that's it! Enough! Enough with the Christless jabber! We gotta be quiet! Quiet on the fuckin' set! Good.
All right, you two, move.
You're done.
Doing her hair for 19 hours, still looks like shit.
Eh, eh.
- There's flyaways, Annette.
- Oh, oh, okay.
That's good.
You're good.
- Kali.
- Yes.
This is what we're gonna do, okay? - We're you're in the bed.
- Okay.
You're fantasizing about your lover who can't be with you right now 'cause he's dead.
Okay, you're yearning, you're burning, you're moaning, you're groaning and when you're ready, I want you to just let it out.
Yeah, don't be afraid to just to just go for it.
- Just go for what? - You know.
When you wanna, just pleasure yourself, you could rub one out.
- Teddy! - What? No, I am not masturbating in my video.
Oh, well, you said you wanted a sexy video Yeah, absolutely.
But not this cheesy, softcore porn bullshit.
Excuse me, what do you mean softcore, cheesy? Okay? And we wanna push the boundaries.
Okay? I don't do cheesy.
Madonna would be all over this shit.
And I'm not Madonna.
She wrote the book on this stuff and she closed it years ago.
Fine, we'll do it your way.
We'll just, uh, we'll keep it classy.
- Okay.
- [STAMMERING.]
Excuse me for having a vision, huh? Shoot me, okay? I just wanna finish the day.
All right, man.
So where do I come in? Okay, you're just gonna appear to her.
Okay, you're her fantasy.
You're her dead lover.
How'd I die? What are you, fuckin' Daniel Day-Lewis all of a sudden? Okay, you're a method actor, you need to know everything about your character? Who gives a shit how you died? Okay, man.
So all right, so how does this floating thing work, all right? - Is it a computer effects thing? - No, no, no, no.
It's gonna be great.
We're we're gonna lower you down, okay? We're gonna bring you down on the wires.
- Let's get Floyd's angel wings! - The what? You're a fuckin' brick shithouse, You're like fuckin' Herschel Walker.
Hold on, man.
What is this? [LAUGHS.]
Balls, look at this.
[LAUGHS.]
Shit, he look like one of the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz, man.
- Get 'em in now.
Come on.
- He looks like - a black bald eagle.
- [BALLS.]
Angel from the ghetto.
- Ohh! [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, my.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah! Not so funny now, huh, motherfucker? You know what, Aladdin? Fuck you and the boo.
How 'bout that shit? Enough! Let's shoot something! Let's go! [BELL RINGS.]
And playback.
Slay Why don't you tell 'em what we do, girls? Action, Kali.
You know we slay, girl - Hey - Good.
Good.
Listen to that music.
Yeah, yeah, uh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
- Here we go - Feel that beat.
Good.
Stronger than you think I am And that's sexy I like that.
Haters throwing shade out I ain't got time for that [TEDDY.]
And just wiggle it.
- Float the angel.
- Oh, oh.
- That's your angel.
- [FLOYD.]
Oh, no.
Little faster.
That's good.
Relax, Floyd.
Relax, Floyd! Okay.
Hey, yeah.
Yeah, yeah! [TEDDY.]
Okay.
Good, Kali! And move.
Okay.
- [CLANG.]
- Oh! - [TEDDY.]
Oh, shit! - Ah, what the fuck? - Oh! Oh! - What the fuck is going on? - [SCREAMS.]
- What? - [SCREAMS.]
- Oh! Cut! Christ on a cross, that was a fuckin' disaster.
- Ohh! - [LAUGHING.]
I'm not complaining.
I don't know.
I think it might be good for our careers.
But it's gross.
Why do I have to be with the fat one? [MEDUSSA.]
Take one for the team, bitch.
I get that.
But he's not even a little fat, - he's huge! - I know.
Ooh, boba.
Do you want one? Yeah, sure.
[KALI.]
Ah, ahh, so you thought I ghosted you, huh? [FLOYD.]
Shit, I ain't know what to think, for real.
I was trying to play it cool.
Yeah, well, in my life, there's no time to play it cool.
If I like someone, I gotta tell them right away, otherwise a whole year might pass by.
Ohh, so you're saying you like me, huh? - I didn't say that.
- Uh-huh.
But I think I might.
- Think? Might? - [LAUGHS.]
You don't sound too sure of yourself, woman.
Okay, Floyd.
I like you.
Deal with it.
Well, you know, when I ain't hear from you I was kinda bummed 'cause I realized how long it'd been since I actually looked forward to seeing somebody again.
Everybody since Sadie has pretty much been very brief or very twisted.
You know, I was gonna ask Sadie for your number, but I wasn't sure was that a good idea? Yeah, that was wise.
That was wise you ain't do that.
Not a good idea at all.
She has a lot to be pissed about at me right now.
And she specifically asked me to not get involved with you.
Ooh, well, you fucked that up.
Yeah, royally.
But hey, if a woman is kind enough to kiss you and you don't return that kiss, I feel like you're pretty much breaking one of - the big laws of the universe.
- Mm-hmm.
So what would it be like if we went on a date.
- What would we do? - Ooh.
- Let's find out.
- I don't think you actually wanna find out.
It's not as fun as you would imagine.
[SCOFFS.]
I don't believe that for one second.
- Believe that.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Dating me is like dating TMZ and all of my fans who want selfies every other second.
It's kind of a boner killer.
So, uh, what do you do? You, uh, get creative.
You improvise.
- Girl, you a freak.
- [LAUGHS.]
Girl, all these THOTish tendencies you got.
Mmm.
[MAN.]
Okay.
Yeah.
Got eyes on one and two.
Copy that.
Uh-huh.
Hey.
They need you guys.
Fuckin' cock blocker! All right.
You need to get in here, Floyd.
[LAUGHS.]
Really? I gotta get in a fuckin' coffin? Well, you're gonna be in one at some point.
Why not get some practice now, eh? Unless you wanna be cremated.
Hadn't given that a ton of thought.
You should think about that shit, Floyd.
Life is short.
Me, I wanna get burnt to a crisp, but I want a statue.
I don't know, man.
It's just fuckin' creepy.
Ooh, you want some apple sauce and a blankie? Come on, it's just dream imagery, man.
Man the fuck up and get in the box, man.
Please.
Everything's an issue with you.
Oh, oh, ah.
Ah.
[SIGHS.]
It's pretty fuckin' comfy, actually.
Good, 'cause that's what matters to me most right now is your comfort.
- All right? - Right.
Listen, you should, uh, talk to Kali about being an angry black at some point.
- Hmm? - Okay, if we could land her, it'll definitely help with investors and I'll bet you wouldn't mind, uh, rolling around with her again, huh? That'd be a good time for you, huh? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, all right.
Let's bring in the bugs! Bugs? [CHUCKLES.]
What you mean, bugs? - Hi.
- Ah, fuck no! Ah, uh-uh, uh-uh.
No fuckin' way, Teddy! I hate fuckin' bugs! All right, well then, use that.
Use it for use it use for what? These are movie bugs, Floyd.
Don't worry, they don't even bite.
I don't care if they bite, I just don't want them on me.
Oh, well, what do you want me to do, Floyd? You want me to shut down production 'cause you're afraid of some fuckin' bugs? - Yeah.
- Come on, man.
- Be a fuckin' man.
- I got this.
I got it.
- Hi.
Ah.
- [YELPS.]
Hi.
Oh, look at all your buddies.
- [SQUEALING.]
- [TEDDY.]
Relax.
No, no, no, don't don't scream or they're gonna go into your mouth.
Be quiet.
Relax.
Don't open your mouth.
Now, listen, Kali's gonna come over to the coffin and she's gonna resurrect you - with her love.
- [SCREAMING.]
- Act accordingly.
- Ohh, oh! - [WOMAN.]
Good night.
- And, playback.
Slay Sad and sexy.
[MUFFLED SCREAMING.]
Yes.
All right, action.
Kali.
Get it, girl.
Sad and sexy.
Shimmy.
Eh, eh.
There we go.
Sad and sexy.
[POUNDING AND SCREAMING.]
Stronger than you think I am - [SCREAMING.]
- Ahh! Cut.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Jesus Christ, please, cut.
- [YELLING.]
- What was that, Floyd? Ah! Huh? I'm sorry, man.
I just couldn't fuckin' do it.
- All right.
Okay, okay.
- I couldn't fuckin' do it.
Just relax, okay? You gotta relax because we gotta go again.
Okay? Let's bring in some more bugs! No! No more bugs! Look, Teddy, I'm not comfortable with this.
Well, I'm not comfortable with you directing this video.
I mean, why did you even hire me? Because you're a talented filmmaker, but I don't want people to do things they don't wanna do.
Oh, my God.
What are we, in freakin' preschool? You little baby.
Huh? Fine.
Floyd, that's it.
No more bugs.
You win.
- Okay? - Ahh! Ahh! - Oh, fuck! - Get - Ah, no! Uhh! - [BUGS SQUISHING.]
Floyd, motherfucker, cut! [MALCOLM.]
Ahh! [MEDUSSSA.]
You gonna give it to me? Ooh, I am gonna give it to you.
Yeah, you gonna take it to the next level? Ooh, next level here we come! Are you gonna help me with my career? Uh, yeah, definitely.
I'm gonna help you with your career.
Yeah.
You gonna put a baby up in this ass? Oh, wha what? You want me to put it in your butt? No, that's just dirty talk.
Oh, okay.
Well, yeah, keep that shit going.
I dig that shit.
Okay, how are you gonna do it? Uh, how do you like it? No, how are you gonna kickstart my career? Oh, well, I gotta clear my head, but I'll come up with a five-year plan.
Wait, it's gonna take five years.
- Maybe quicker.
- Yeah.
- It's gonna be quicker.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you like it quick? - Yeah.
- Yeah, you gonna come in me? - Uh-huh! You gonna give Medusssa a cream pie? What? You want a cream pie no no! - [MOANING.]
- Ahh.
Oh.
Mmm.
Uhh.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Did you just come in me? Yeah.
- But you said you said - What the fuck? You can't hang with a little dirty talk? You you said some intense shit.
That you you conjured that.
Oh, my God.
Fuck, dude! Where's your fuckin' manners? God, now I have to take another morning-after pill.
You'd kill our baby? Gross! What, you can talk all weird and dirty, but I can't? Not anymore, asshole.
That moment passed when you blew your load.
- I didn't blow all of it.
- What the fuck is this? - Amateur hour? - More like amateur two and a half minutes.
Everybody's a fucking critic.
- Slay - Action, Kali.
Why don't you tell 'em what we do, girl? - You know we slay, girl - All right.
Yeah.
- There you go.
Nice.
- Hey Kiss him on the forehead.
Nice.
Now, uh, now now on the lips.
Hey, stronger than you think I am Mwah.
That's hot and sexy.
Now do it again.
One more.
Little tongue.
Not too much! Don't get crazy.
Okay, Floyd, kiss her back.
Yeah.
Now she's bringing you back to life with her love.
With her lust! Slay Yes! Now stand up.
No boner, though.
Mind over matter.
Focus.
Okay.
And bring in the love slaves! - [CHAINS CLANKING.]
- There you go.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, fellas, you look great.
[TEDDY.]
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Cut! Cut?! You don't yell cut! I yell cut.
Respectfully, what the fuck is this? What the fuck is this? These are your love slaves.
I mean, you gotta see it behind the monitor.
It looks fantastic.
They're all chained and shackled.
I know, I know.
It's powerful shit, huh? What place does slave imagery have in my video, Teddy? But they're white.
And you enslaved them with your love.
I don't want slave imagery in my video.
White, black, or otherwise.
Teddy, this is fucking offensive.
Offensive? Offensive to who? To black people.
But they're white! Oh, my God.
I cannot believe I have to explain this to you.
What, you don't have to explain anything to me! Okay, Kali, you're out of touch.
Okay, you're too famous for your own good.
Okay, you don't know what's going on in the real world.
And let's ask Floyd, he's way closer to the ground than you are.
Floyd, tell her, please.
Shit's fucked up, Teddy.
Thank you.
You fuckin' traitor.
I always have your back and and you don't have mine? It's not about me having your back, Teddy.
It's just the lady doesn't want this shit in her video.
- Thank you.
- And I'm not even offended, it's just fuckin' stupid.
I'm done.
I'm I'm done.
I'm going home.
Wait, wait! You're just gonna quit? Huh, it's not quitting if it's a hostile work environment.
Okay? I don't need this.
You could get some traffic cop to direct this stupid dance party, pop crap.
I should've known what you were about when you rejected my Armenian Genocide idea.
- Uh, Teddy, come on.
- Oh, my God.
I I can't even hear you, Floyd 'cause you're dead to me.
Okay? I I wanted to do cool shit with you, man, like Scorsese and DeNiro.
Tarantino and Samuel L.
Jackson.
Kurosawa and Toshiro Mifune.
That's the lifelong partnership I imagined us having.
But you sold me out for a piece of pop star panani.
- Yeah.
- Punani.
You fuck you.
Ugh.
Elephant doors! Open them the fuck up, man! I'm out! I'm done! I fucking quit! I'm I'm I'm so sorry about this.
No.
Don't be.
You probably did me a favor.
I've been trying to break up with him for a while, now.
[CHUCKLES.]
So I guess, uh I guess we're done here.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Maybe we could finally go on that date.
- Yeah.
- Well, it looks like we can make that dinner with the record company.
Um, and EW needs a 15-minute phoner right now.
- The writer's on a deadline.
- [GROANS.]
- Hmm.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, but I I'll you know.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
- Bye.
- See you.
Starkeisha! Lakuna! We gotta go, girls.
[WOMAN.]
Slow down.
Don't break a ankle, girl.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC .]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[MALCOLM.]
This is gonna reflect very poorly upon your future.
You don't want to do this.
You know oh, this is my ride.
- This is my ride! - Fuck you.
Calm down.
[MALCOLM PANTING.]
[EXHALES.]
It's a long, crazy story, but it does involve me getting my dick wet.
Which is a huge win for me.
Unless I really did put a baby up in that ass.
Fuck.
I don't even wanna know.
I'm on my fifth brew and my rent's due Sixth and west roof I can see it all Look at where you came from Californication Since a little baby Skating in boogie boards Don't stop now, keep dreaming Don't stop now Hey.
What happened to you, motherfucker? Yo, man, got bored.
I don't fuck with all that hurry up and wait shit.
Well, another fuckin' dream dashed, Balls.
Damn, I ain't even get her new number.
Yo, it's probably for the best, man.
- Why? - 'Cause you would've fucked it up anyway.
Yeah.
Everything I got is pretty much in the shitter right now.
Career, psh, love life.
Yo, what about your son, man? What about him, man? He cool.
We always cool.
Nah, nah, man.
What kind of fuckin' example you think you're setting for him? - What you mean? - Everything with you is a fuckin' negative, man.
I mean, that's gotta take its toll.
Hey, why you taking that tone with me right now? 'Cause you're so fuckin' blessed, man.
And you don't appreciate it.
Yo, most of us, we go our whole lives waiting for some cool shit to happen, man.
And it never does.
We go to work, we come home, we sit on the fuckin' couch, and we dream about a better life, man.
'Cause that's all we can do.
I mean, you complain about Kali ghosting you, man.
Nigga, Kali? Shit, Esther ghosted me a long fuckin' time ago, man.
But that's just what happens to niggas like me, right? Yeah.
Never had a fuckin' shot.
Balls, I'm sorry, man.
- I ain't realize - Yeah.
'Cause you got your head so far up your own ass that you can't see shit.
You never was like, "Balls, how's Esther? Balls, what's going on with Esther?" And I would've fuckin' told you she fuckin' ghosted me, man! You fuckin' smart, you good looking, you funny.
Man, and all you do is fuckin' bitch and moan.
You had a woman, man.
Yeah, it didn't work out, but at least you know what it's like to have a woman that fuckin' loves you.
You got a son a beautiful fuckin' baby boy, man.
And you got a career doing what you always wanted to do, man what you always wanted to do And it's still not good enough! You've had more than your fair share of miracles, man.
Yo, humble yourself, man.
You gotta fuckin' humble yourself.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
[ PENSIVE MUSIC .]
Hey.
Another fuckin' miracle.
It's nice to see you, too.
I'm on a plane in the morning and I figured, what better way to spend tonight.
So here I am.
But you don't seem as happy to see me as I thought you would.
I am.
It's just Balls is mad at me.
Maybe you could cheer him up.
Let me see what I can do.
[KALI.]
I want you to know I believe in your song [BALLS.]
And rhythm and rhyme and harmony [KALI.]
You held me long Making me strong, oh [BOTH.]
Gimme the beat, boys And free my soul I wanna get lost in your rock 'n roll And drift away [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, yeah [BOTH.]
Gimme the beat, boys And free my soul I wanna get lost in your rock 'n roll And drift away Oh Ohh, yeah, baby [BOTH.]
Won't you take me away? My God! That was awesome! Oh, my God, Balls.
- You're so talented.
- Oh, man, thank you.
Seriously, all right, thank you.
This is, like, the greatest day of my fuckin' life, ever.
Yeah.
Thank you, too, motherfucker.
Nah, thank you, motherfucker.
You Fred Hammond-sounding ass bitch.
Where the fuck you been hiding that shit? Hey, man, why don't y'all go on your play date and leave me alone to bask in the glory of this shit.
- All right, man.
- Mm.
- So good.
- So damn good.
We gonna go to karaoke.
We gonna fuck some Asians up.
- Yep.
- You know what I'm saying? What the fuck? It sounded amazing.
- I'll see you later.
- Fuck, that's amazing.
[ LIGHT HIP-HOP MUSIC .]
All right, so you have my new number.
Mm-hmm.
- Got that.
- Got it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Sending you dirty stuff ASAP.
Mm-hmm.
No, don't.
No, seriously, like, my phone's a deadly weapon.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I hope you're not expecting any of that shit from me, either.
Well, you know, I've, uh, already seen everything up close and personal, so hmm.
[GASPS.]
Oh, yeah.
- Uh, I have to go.
- Okay.
I'll walk you out.
- Aww.
- Hey.
I love seeing you walk away, slow.
- Oh, really? - It's the best.
Oh, well then, let me just, you know [KALI LAUGHS.]
- Ugh.
- Mm? Yeah, you're welcome.
This is the best feeling.
- What's that? - The beginning of something.
I think I know exactly what you mean.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
[LAUGHS.]
Mmm.
[KALI CHUCKLES.]
[KALI.]
Mmm.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC .]
- [MAN.]
There they are.
- Uh, yeah, yeah Holy fuckin' shit.
Just let me breathe [ALL SHOUTING.]
Yep.
Welcome to my world.
Just let me breathe for a minute We should go.
It's too hot, drop the top off the wagon Lay back, blowing fire like dragon Man, I'm flying past Saturn Outta here like I ain't that savage No, no, no, no Two Uzis and rifle It's like I'm at the studio with Michael You can hear me dancing on the beat Bam Bam 'bout to put a mansion on the beach Hundred Latins in your lobby That's what happens when you around with Body Uh, and I put that on my mami I would never give my heart to a thotty If I could just make a dance that goes with this song - Then I'ma be on - Uhh, so on - Basic gon' dance to it - Everywhere Basic everywhere gon' dance to it Just let me breathe for a minute Just let me breathe for a minute, uh Just let me breathe for a minute White Range Rover, blowin' trees all in it [DOG GROWLS.]
Yo, homies, here's what's been happening on White Famous.
Floyd, this is Kali.
We've been writing together on her new album.
This is Trevor's dad, Floyd.
Yeah, I know who Trevor's dad Floyd is.
So what, Sadie's been talking about me, huh? I saw you down at the J-Spot.
You don't even know who I am, do you? Yeah, I do.
You're Kali.
I just met you.
But you don't know what I do.
Huge fan.
Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Your voice speaks to my soul.
If you don't mind, maybe don't go there.
- How you mean? - If she and I start working together, it could get weird.
- Come here.
- Mm.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC .]
She fuckin' ghosted on me, Balls.
Hell, serves you right, motherfucker.
Shit, how many women have you ghosted - in your lifetime? - Man, I know.
But we had a good time.
Like, a real good time.
So you're saying you actually care about this girl.
I don't know.
It it's just rude.
Oh, man, maybe she didn't have such a good time.
Nah, that's impossible.
How do you know? A guy just knows, Balls.
Maybe you're sexually incompatible, man.
Now, see, now you're talking some science fiction shit.
I don't know.
Maybe she likes another level of dude, like, movie star handsome.
Who knows? Maybe you turned her into a bean flickin' lesbo.
I don't know! Why you coming down so hard on me? 'Cause I'm in a funk, nigga.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Fuckin' Teddy, man, just keeps calling.
And why you in a funk, anyway, man? You're never in a funk.
Greetings, me Negroes.
You gave this motherfucker a key? Yeah, man I got sick of him knocking and waking me up.
- Did you hear from Kali? - No.
Well, did you hear from Teddy? He keeps calling, I keep not answering.
He wants to talk to you about putting you in a new music video he's directing.
So that's what we doing now, Malcolm? Fuckin' music videos? What's next, a snuff film? What you got me as a lead in a Lifetime biopic? No, I could never get you something that big.
Look, Teddy wants to put you in a music video he's directing for Kali.
- Oh.
- Yes, "Ow.
" Too bad you're not interested.
- I didn't say that.
- No, I got another client.
Nah, when's it going down? When's it happening? When's it shooting? - Now.
- I'm on my way.
Balls, you coming with me? [GRUNTS.]
That is why I am a great agent.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC .]
[FLOYD.]
So what am I supposed to be doing in this video? I don't know.
I didn't ask.
- And you ain't think to ask? - No.
I was just so excited to bring you an offer.
So how much am I getting paid for this shit? No clue, but there's the man with the answers.
No, no, no.
Just start thinking like a filmmaker, or get the fuck out of here.
Fine, I'm going the fuck home.
You're fuckin' toxic, Teddy.
What, are you gonna quit? You're not gonna fuckin' quit.
You're not gonna fuckin' quit on me.
You're gonna take some fuckin' Pamprin, you're gonna get your mind right and get back to work.
Fuck you, D, you wanna take a fuckin' shot at me now? Fuckin' Dennis.
There he is.
I gotta call your prick fuckin' agent to get a hold of you now? I thought we had something that transcends business.
We don't? No, okay, fine.
Come on, take a walk with me.
Balls, how are you, buddy? - Keep touching my hand, man.
- You all right? So you're doing music videos now? I'm always doing music videos and commercials.
You know why? 'Cause they keep my fuckin' pool heated and they keep me away from having to do one of those stupid fuckin' comic book movies.
And all these young filmmakers, they're rotting away making that trash.
Besides, music videos can be fun but just not this one.
- Why? - Because this Kali broad is a fuckin' diva, man.
Wait, wait do you even know why you're here? Yeah, I know why I'm fuckin' here.
I don't know why you fuckin' called me.
Well, I had to fire Bradley fuckin' Cooper this morning.
Okay? Yeah, I had him all set to be in the video.
He was doing it for me because he's a friend and it was a personal favor.
But she didn't want a white guy.
And Bradley Cooper isn't even white.
He's a movie star.
Movie stars transcend color.
I mean, is Denzel black? Yes.
Denzel Washington's black? Yes, nigga, he is.
Nah, not to me he's not.
To me, he's a movie star.
Okay, it's a whole other shade.
All right, man.
So what am I doing here? I'll tell you what you're not here to do.
You're not here to fuck around, okay? You're not here to sniff puss.
You understand me? This is an epic fuckin' love song.
Okay? And I want you guys to have incredible sexual chemistry and erotic tension.
- You follow? - Yes.
I'm serious, Floyd.
Keep that nine-inch nail in your pants.
- You understand? - How you know - how long my shit is? - Ehh.
- [KALI.]
Yeah? - This fuckin' lunatic.
Let's go! Floyd.
Kali.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- How you been? - Good.
- You? - Good.
Busy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Copy that.
What the fuck? Uh, this is this is this is great chemistry.
This is this is fuckin' magic.
So you guys are like a modern-day Bogie and Bacall.
This is what the fuck, man? What the fuck? What the fuck am I gonna do? Dennis! Where the fuck is my latte? - He's a treat.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
So, uh, what's with the camera? - Uh, documentary.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Well, it kinda makes it - hard to talk openly.
- Yeah, yeah, that's You could say that.
Maybe we should text as we walk.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I would if I could, but I lost my fuckin' phone.
Oh, interesting.
No, 'cause I was wondering Why you haven't heard from me? Yeah, but you know, we're cool.
You know, this explains everything.
Does it? 'Cause maybe I would've ghosted you anyway.
[LAUGHS.]
Maybe Balls was right.
Maybe you didn't have a good time.
Why do you think you're here? 'Cause I wanted to see you again.
You know, and with my schedule, this is pretty much the only way I could.
So you go and fire Bradley Cooper.
I mean, Bradley's a doll.
But every video I have, it's always me and a white guy.
I thought, why not a hot black guy? Wait a minute, now.
I look like a piece of meat to you? You objectifying me, Ms.
Kali? - I mean, basically.
- Oh, okay.
I fucks with it.
Good.
See you on set.
Yeah.
For sure.
So where were you when you first heard Kali's music? Huh? Oh, shit.
Shit, I don't know.
I don't even know if I've heard anything.
I mean, I'm sure I have, but - So you're not an Angel Flower? - A what now? That's what she calls her fans.
Angel Flowers.
Yeah.
Right on.
Oh, my God.
This one's a dud.
So we're just gonna get some behind-the-scenes footage inside.
[SCOFFS.]
Hey.
Are you an agent? Yes.
Y-yes, indeed, I am, my dear.
I am an agent of change.
I'm an agent of good fortune.
I'm a secret agent man.
I'm, uh Agent Orange.
Who do you represent? Who don't I represent these days? But, uh, Floyd Mooney comes to mind.
- Never heard of him.
- [LAUGHS.]
He's a brilliant, young comedian.
He was just in a movie with Jamie Foxx.
Ooh, I love me some Jamie Foxx.
Ooh, Mr.
Foxxy gon' love him some of you.
What you do, girl? Are you an actor? - Singer, actress, personality.
- Wow.
- Medusssa.
Three Ss.
- Ah.
Nice! It's that third S.
Good branding.
Yeah, just trying to take it to the next level.
You know, fake it till you make it.
That is my entire raison d'être.
- What? - Nothing.
Not even remotely important.
Who else do you represent? Uh, who else do oh, oh! This fine, young comedian here.
His name's Balls.
- His name is Balls? - Yeah.
And he's a funny motherfucker.
Balls, come here.
[CLAPS.]
My man.
Say something funny.
What the fuck do I look like, a performing seal? Eh, it's more like a walrus right now.
Actually, scratch that.
You got a very Shamu vibe - going on today.
- Walrus? Shamu? Why don't you buy some new material, you fuckin' cow kisser? Hey, don't waste your time with this Slurpee jockey.
He's not even an agent.
He's just on break from 7-Eleven.
[LAUGHS.]
He is funny.
He's full of shit.
Okay, look.
And I got a Deadline article right here that says otherwise.
Just get it, director.
Make it right.
Make it right.
You're so worried about looking like you're in a fuckin' jazz band, with your fuckin' hat.
Okay? Just stay on a 284 split.
That's not a 284, is it? Put it on a 284 and leave it there.
Why does it take 25 minutes to get a latte, Bobby? - [MURMURS INDISTINCTLY.]
- Please t that's it! Enough! Enough with the Christless jabber! We gotta be quiet! Quiet on the fuckin' set! Good.
All right, you two, move.
You're done.
Doing her hair for 19 hours, still looks like shit.
Eh, eh.
- There's flyaways, Annette.
- Oh, oh, okay.
That's good.
You're good.
- Kali.
- Yes.
This is what we're gonna do, okay? - We're you're in the bed.
- Okay.
You're fantasizing about your lover who can't be with you right now 'cause he's dead.
Okay, you're yearning, you're burning, you're moaning, you're groaning and when you're ready, I want you to just let it out.
Yeah, don't be afraid to just to just go for it.
- Just go for what? - You know.
When you wanna, just pleasure yourself, you could rub one out.
- Teddy! - What? No, I am not masturbating in my video.
Oh, well, you said you wanted a sexy video Yeah, absolutely.
But not this cheesy, softcore porn bullshit.
Excuse me, what do you mean softcore, cheesy? Okay? And we wanna push the boundaries.
Okay? I don't do cheesy.
Madonna would be all over this shit.
And I'm not Madonna.
She wrote the book on this stuff and she closed it years ago.
Fine, we'll do it your way.
We'll just, uh, we'll keep it classy.
- Okay.
- [STAMMERING.]
Excuse me for having a vision, huh? Shoot me, okay? I just wanna finish the day.
All right, man.
So where do I come in? Okay, you're just gonna appear to her.
Okay, you're her fantasy.
You're her dead lover.
How'd I die? What are you, fuckin' Daniel Day-Lewis all of a sudden? Okay, you're a method actor, you need to know everything about your character? Who gives a shit how you died? Okay, man.
So all right, so how does this floating thing work, all right? - Is it a computer effects thing? - No, no, no, no.
It's gonna be great.
We're we're gonna lower you down, okay? We're gonna bring you down on the wires.
- Let's get Floyd's angel wings! - The what? You're a fuckin' brick shithouse, You're like fuckin' Herschel Walker.
Hold on, man.
What is this? [LAUGHS.]
Balls, look at this.
[LAUGHS.]
Shit, he look like one of the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz, man.
- Get 'em in now.
Come on.
- He looks like - a black bald eagle.
- [BALLS.]
Angel from the ghetto.
- Ohh! [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, my.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah! Not so funny now, huh, motherfucker? You know what, Aladdin? Fuck you and the boo.
How 'bout that shit? Enough! Let's shoot something! Let's go! [BELL RINGS.]
And playback.
Slay Why don't you tell 'em what we do, girls? Action, Kali.
You know we slay, girl - Hey - Good.
Good.
Listen to that music.
Yeah, yeah, uh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
- Here we go - Feel that beat.
Good.
Stronger than you think I am And that's sexy I like that.
Haters throwing shade out I ain't got time for that [TEDDY.]
And just wiggle it.
- Float the angel.
- Oh, oh.
- That's your angel.
- [FLOYD.]
Oh, no.
Little faster.
That's good.
Relax, Floyd.
Relax, Floyd! Okay.
Hey, yeah.
Yeah, yeah! [TEDDY.]
Okay.
Good, Kali! And move.
Okay.
- [CLANG.]
- Oh! - [TEDDY.]
Oh, shit! - Ah, what the fuck? - Oh! Oh! - What the fuck is going on? - [SCREAMS.]
- What? - [SCREAMS.]
- Oh! Cut! Christ on a cross, that was a fuckin' disaster.
- Ohh! - [LAUGHING.]
I'm not complaining.
I don't know.
I think it might be good for our careers.
But it's gross.
Why do I have to be with the fat one? [MEDUSSA.]
Take one for the team, bitch.
I get that.
But he's not even a little fat, - he's huge! - I know.
Ooh, boba.
Do you want one? Yeah, sure.
[KALI.]
Ah, ahh, so you thought I ghosted you, huh? [FLOYD.]
Shit, I ain't know what to think, for real.
I was trying to play it cool.
Yeah, well, in my life, there's no time to play it cool.
If I like someone, I gotta tell them right away, otherwise a whole year might pass by.
Ohh, so you're saying you like me, huh? - I didn't say that.
- Uh-huh.
But I think I might.
- Think? Might? - [LAUGHS.]
You don't sound too sure of yourself, woman.
Okay, Floyd.
I like you.
Deal with it.
Well, you know, when I ain't hear from you I was kinda bummed 'cause I realized how long it'd been since I actually looked forward to seeing somebody again.
Everybody since Sadie has pretty much been very brief or very twisted.
You know, I was gonna ask Sadie for your number, but I wasn't sure was that a good idea? Yeah, that was wise.
That was wise you ain't do that.
Not a good idea at all.
She has a lot to be pissed about at me right now.
And she specifically asked me to not get involved with you.
Ooh, well, you fucked that up.
Yeah, royally.
But hey, if a woman is kind enough to kiss you and you don't return that kiss, I feel like you're pretty much breaking one of - the big laws of the universe.
- Mm-hmm.
So what would it be like if we went on a date.
- What would we do? - Ooh.
- Let's find out.
- I don't think you actually wanna find out.
It's not as fun as you would imagine.
[SCOFFS.]
I don't believe that for one second.
- Believe that.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Dating me is like dating TMZ and all of my fans who want selfies every other second.
It's kind of a boner killer.
So, uh, what do you do? You, uh, get creative.
You improvise.
- Girl, you a freak.
- [LAUGHS.]
Girl, all these THOTish tendencies you got.
Mmm.
[MAN.]
Okay.
Yeah.
Got eyes on one and two.
Copy that.
Uh-huh.
Hey.
They need you guys.
Fuckin' cock blocker! All right.
You need to get in here, Floyd.
[LAUGHS.]
Really? I gotta get in a fuckin' coffin? Well, you're gonna be in one at some point.
Why not get some practice now, eh? Unless you wanna be cremated.
Hadn't given that a ton of thought.
You should think about that shit, Floyd.
Life is short.
Me, I wanna get burnt to a crisp, but I want a statue.
I don't know, man.
It's just fuckin' creepy.
Ooh, you want some apple sauce and a blankie? Come on, it's just dream imagery, man.
Man the fuck up and get in the box, man.
Please.
Everything's an issue with you.
Oh, oh, ah.
Ah.
[SIGHS.]
It's pretty fuckin' comfy, actually.
Good, 'cause that's what matters to me most right now is your comfort.
- All right? - Right.
Listen, you should, uh, talk to Kali about being an angry black at some point.
- Hmm? - Okay, if we could land her, it'll definitely help with investors and I'll bet you wouldn't mind, uh, rolling around with her again, huh? That'd be a good time for you, huh? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, all right.
Let's bring in the bugs! Bugs? [CHUCKLES.]
What you mean, bugs? - Hi.
- Ah, fuck no! Ah, uh-uh, uh-uh.
No fuckin' way, Teddy! I hate fuckin' bugs! All right, well then, use that.
Use it for use it use for what? These are movie bugs, Floyd.
Don't worry, they don't even bite.
I don't care if they bite, I just don't want them on me.
Oh, well, what do you want me to do, Floyd? You want me to shut down production 'cause you're afraid of some fuckin' bugs? - Yeah.
- Come on, man.
- Be a fuckin' man.
- I got this.
I got it.
- Hi.
Ah.
- [YELPS.]
Hi.
Oh, look at all your buddies.
- [SQUEALING.]
- [TEDDY.]
Relax.
No, no, no, don't don't scream or they're gonna go into your mouth.
Be quiet.
Relax.
Don't open your mouth.
Now, listen, Kali's gonna come over to the coffin and she's gonna resurrect you - with her love.
- [SCREAMING.]
- Act accordingly.
- Ohh, oh! - [WOMAN.]
Good night.
- And, playback.
Slay Sad and sexy.
[MUFFLED SCREAMING.]
Yes.
All right, action.
Kali.
Get it, girl.
Sad and sexy.
Shimmy.
Eh, eh.
There we go.
Sad and sexy.
[POUNDING AND SCREAMING.]
Stronger than you think I am - [SCREAMING.]
- Ahh! Cut.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Jesus Christ, please, cut.
- [YELLING.]
- What was that, Floyd? Ah! Huh? I'm sorry, man.
I just couldn't fuckin' do it.
- All right.
Okay, okay.
- I couldn't fuckin' do it.
Just relax, okay? You gotta relax because we gotta go again.
Okay? Let's bring in some more bugs! No! No more bugs! Look, Teddy, I'm not comfortable with this.
Well, I'm not comfortable with you directing this video.
I mean, why did you even hire me? Because you're a talented filmmaker, but I don't want people to do things they don't wanna do.
Oh, my God.
What are we, in freakin' preschool? You little baby.
Huh? Fine.
Floyd, that's it.
No more bugs.
You win.
- Okay? - Ahh! Ahh! - Oh, fuck! - Get - Ah, no! Uhh! - [BUGS SQUISHING.]
Floyd, motherfucker, cut! [MALCOLM.]
Ahh! [MEDUSSSA.]
You gonna give it to me? Ooh, I am gonna give it to you.
Yeah, you gonna take it to the next level? Ooh, next level here we come! Are you gonna help me with my career? Uh, yeah, definitely.
I'm gonna help you with your career.
Yeah.
You gonna put a baby up in this ass? Oh, wha what? You want me to put it in your butt? No, that's just dirty talk.
Oh, okay.
Well, yeah, keep that shit going.
I dig that shit.
Okay, how are you gonna do it? Uh, how do you like it? No, how are you gonna kickstart my career? Oh, well, I gotta clear my head, but I'll come up with a five-year plan.
Wait, it's gonna take five years.
- Maybe quicker.
- Yeah.
- It's gonna be quicker.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you like it quick? - Yeah.
- Yeah, you gonna come in me? - Uh-huh! You gonna give Medusssa a cream pie? What? You want a cream pie no no! - [MOANING.]
- Ahh.
Oh.
Mmm.
Uhh.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Did you just come in me? Yeah.
- But you said you said - What the fuck? You can't hang with a little dirty talk? You you said some intense shit.
That you you conjured that.
Oh, my God.
Fuck, dude! Where's your fuckin' manners? God, now I have to take another morning-after pill.
You'd kill our baby? Gross! What, you can talk all weird and dirty, but I can't? Not anymore, asshole.
That moment passed when you blew your load.
- I didn't blow all of it.
- What the fuck is this? - Amateur hour? - More like amateur two and a half minutes.
Everybody's a fucking critic.
- Slay - Action, Kali.
Why don't you tell 'em what we do, girl? - You know we slay, girl - All right.
Yeah.
- There you go.
Nice.
- Hey Kiss him on the forehead.
Nice.
Now, uh, now now on the lips.
Hey, stronger than you think I am Mwah.
That's hot and sexy.
Now do it again.
One more.
Little tongue.
Not too much! Don't get crazy.
Okay, Floyd, kiss her back.
Yeah.
Now she's bringing you back to life with her love.
With her lust! Slay Yes! Now stand up.
No boner, though.
Mind over matter.
Focus.
Okay.
And bring in the love slaves! - [CHAINS CLANKING.]
- There you go.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, fellas, you look great.
[TEDDY.]
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Cut! Cut?! You don't yell cut! I yell cut.
Respectfully, what the fuck is this? What the fuck is this? These are your love slaves.
I mean, you gotta see it behind the monitor.
It looks fantastic.
They're all chained and shackled.
I know, I know.
It's powerful shit, huh? What place does slave imagery have in my video, Teddy? But they're white.
And you enslaved them with your love.
I don't want slave imagery in my video.
White, black, or otherwise.
Teddy, this is fucking offensive.
Offensive? Offensive to who? To black people.
But they're white! Oh, my God.
I cannot believe I have to explain this to you.
What, you don't have to explain anything to me! Okay, Kali, you're out of touch.
Okay, you're too famous for your own good.
Okay, you don't know what's going on in the real world.
And let's ask Floyd, he's way closer to the ground than you are.
Floyd, tell her, please.
Shit's fucked up, Teddy.
Thank you.
You fuckin' traitor.
I always have your back and and you don't have mine? It's not about me having your back, Teddy.
It's just the lady doesn't want this shit in her video.
- Thank you.
- And I'm not even offended, it's just fuckin' stupid.
I'm done.
I'm I'm done.
I'm going home.
Wait, wait! You're just gonna quit? Huh, it's not quitting if it's a hostile work environment.
Okay? I don't need this.
You could get some traffic cop to direct this stupid dance party, pop crap.
I should've known what you were about when you rejected my Armenian Genocide idea.
- Uh, Teddy, come on.
- Oh, my God.
I I can't even hear you, Floyd 'cause you're dead to me.
Okay? I I wanted to do cool shit with you, man, like Scorsese and DeNiro.
Tarantino and Samuel L.
Jackson.
Kurosawa and Toshiro Mifune.
That's the lifelong partnership I imagined us having.
But you sold me out for a piece of pop star panani.
- Yeah.
- Punani.
You fuck you.
Ugh.
Elephant doors! Open them the fuck up, man! I'm out! I'm done! I fucking quit! I'm I'm I'm so sorry about this.
No.
Don't be.
You probably did me a favor.
I've been trying to break up with him for a while, now.
[CHUCKLES.]
So I guess, uh I guess we're done here.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Maybe we could finally go on that date.
- Yeah.
- Well, it looks like we can make that dinner with the record company.
Um, and EW needs a 15-minute phoner right now.
- The writer's on a deadline.
- [GROANS.]
- Hmm.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, but I I'll you know.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
- Bye.
- See you.
Starkeisha! Lakuna! We gotta go, girls.
[WOMAN.]
Slow down.
Don't break a ankle, girl.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC .]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[MALCOLM.]
This is gonna reflect very poorly upon your future.
You don't want to do this.
You know oh, this is my ride.
- This is my ride! - Fuck you.
Calm down.
[MALCOLM PANTING.]
[EXHALES.]
It's a long, crazy story, but it does involve me getting my dick wet.
Which is a huge win for me.
Unless I really did put a baby up in that ass.
Fuck.
I don't even wanna know.
I'm on my fifth brew and my rent's due Sixth and west roof I can see it all Look at where you came from Californication Since a little baby Skating in boogie boards Don't stop now, keep dreaming Don't stop now Hey.
What happened to you, motherfucker? Yo, man, got bored.
I don't fuck with all that hurry up and wait shit.
Well, another fuckin' dream dashed, Balls.
Damn, I ain't even get her new number.
Yo, it's probably for the best, man.
- Why? - 'Cause you would've fucked it up anyway.
Yeah.
Everything I got is pretty much in the shitter right now.
Career, psh, love life.
Yo, what about your son, man? What about him, man? He cool.
We always cool.
Nah, nah, man.
What kind of fuckin' example you think you're setting for him? - What you mean? - Everything with you is a fuckin' negative, man.
I mean, that's gotta take its toll.
Hey, why you taking that tone with me right now? 'Cause you're so fuckin' blessed, man.
And you don't appreciate it.
Yo, most of us, we go our whole lives waiting for some cool shit to happen, man.
And it never does.
We go to work, we come home, we sit on the fuckin' couch, and we dream about a better life, man.
'Cause that's all we can do.
I mean, you complain about Kali ghosting you, man.
Nigga, Kali? Shit, Esther ghosted me a long fuckin' time ago, man.
But that's just what happens to niggas like me, right? Yeah.
Never had a fuckin' shot.
Balls, I'm sorry, man.
- I ain't realize - Yeah.
'Cause you got your head so far up your own ass that you can't see shit.
You never was like, "Balls, how's Esther? Balls, what's going on with Esther?" And I would've fuckin' told you she fuckin' ghosted me, man! You fuckin' smart, you good looking, you funny.
Man, and all you do is fuckin' bitch and moan.
You had a woman, man.
Yeah, it didn't work out, but at least you know what it's like to have a woman that fuckin' loves you.
You got a son a beautiful fuckin' baby boy, man.
And you got a career doing what you always wanted to do, man what you always wanted to do And it's still not good enough! You've had more than your fair share of miracles, man.
Yo, humble yourself, man.
You gotta fuckin' humble yourself.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
[ PENSIVE MUSIC .]
Hey.
Another fuckin' miracle.
It's nice to see you, too.
I'm on a plane in the morning and I figured, what better way to spend tonight.
So here I am.
But you don't seem as happy to see me as I thought you would.
I am.
It's just Balls is mad at me.
Maybe you could cheer him up.
Let me see what I can do.
[KALI.]
I want you to know I believe in your song [BALLS.]
And rhythm and rhyme and harmony [KALI.]
You held me long Making me strong, oh [BOTH.]
Gimme the beat, boys And free my soul I wanna get lost in your rock 'n roll And drift away [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, yeah [BOTH.]
Gimme the beat, boys And free my soul I wanna get lost in your rock 'n roll And drift away Oh Ohh, yeah, baby [BOTH.]
Won't you take me away? My God! That was awesome! Oh, my God, Balls.
- You're so talented.
- Oh, man, thank you.
Seriously, all right, thank you.
This is, like, the greatest day of my fuckin' life, ever.
Yeah.
Thank you, too, motherfucker.
Nah, thank you, motherfucker.
You Fred Hammond-sounding ass bitch.
Where the fuck you been hiding that shit? Hey, man, why don't y'all go on your play date and leave me alone to bask in the glory of this shit.
- All right, man.
- Mm.
- So good.
- So damn good.
We gonna go to karaoke.
We gonna fuck some Asians up.
- Yep.
- You know what I'm saying? What the fuck? It sounded amazing.
- I'll see you later.
- Fuck, that's amazing.
[ LIGHT HIP-HOP MUSIC .]
All right, so you have my new number.
Mm-hmm.
- Got that.
- Got it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Sending you dirty stuff ASAP.
Mm-hmm.
No, don't.
No, seriously, like, my phone's a deadly weapon.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I hope you're not expecting any of that shit from me, either.
Well, you know, I've, uh, already seen everything up close and personal, so hmm.
[GASPS.]
Oh, yeah.
- Uh, I have to go.
- Okay.
I'll walk you out.
- Aww.
- Hey.
I love seeing you walk away, slow.
- Oh, really? - It's the best.
Oh, well then, let me just, you know [KALI LAUGHS.]
- Ugh.
- Mm? Yeah, you're welcome.
This is the best feeling.
- What's that? - The beginning of something.
I think I know exactly what you mean.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
[LAUGHS.]
Mmm.
[KALI CHUCKLES.]
[KALI.]
Mmm.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC .]
- [MAN.]
There they are.
- Uh, yeah, yeah Holy fuckin' shit.
Just let me breathe [ALL SHOUTING.]
Yep.
Welcome to my world.
Just let me breathe for a minute We should go.
It's too hot, drop the top off the wagon Lay back, blowing fire like dragon Man, I'm flying past Saturn Outta here like I ain't that savage No, no, no, no Two Uzis and rifle It's like I'm at the studio with Michael You can hear me dancing on the beat Bam Bam 'bout to put a mansion on the beach Hundred Latins in your lobby That's what happens when you around with Body Uh, and I put that on my mami I would never give my heart to a thotty If I could just make a dance that goes with this song - Then I'ma be on - Uhh, so on - Basic gon' dance to it - Everywhere Basic everywhere gon' dance to it Just let me breathe for a minute Just let me breathe for a minute, uh Just let me breathe for a minute White Range Rover, blowin' trees all in it [DOG GROWLS.]