Ted Lasso (2020) s01e10 Episode Script
The Hope That Kills You
1
Right.
Who the hell are you?
Oh, hi! Hello. I'm I'm Will.
I'm the new clubhouse attendant.
No, you're not. I'm the
clubhouse attendant.
Hey, Higgins, where are you?
Ted, what the fuck's going on?
I don't know. I'm trying
to figure it out myself.
- Figure what out? Have I been sacked?
- Has he been fired?
I don't know anything about this, Ted.
- There you are.
- There you are.
- Is this because I called Isaac a pussy?
- I don't know
Good morning, everyone.
You shrew. You did this, didn't you?
Why so hostile, Nathan?
Right, I'll tell you why
You know my name?
Well, I had to spell it
correctly for your contract.
Nate-dawg, you haven't
been fired. It's worse.
You've been promoted.
Nate! Nate! Nate!
Ooh.
Nathan Shelley, I present
to you this whistle.
But it is sad. Do you know why?
- No.
- Because it has never been blown.
Is that the same reason why Colin's sad?
By the power vested in me by the
Associative Football Club of Richmond,
I now pronounce you Coach Nate.
Thanks a lot. Thank you.
No, no! Not inside.
Sorry. Sorry.
It got confusing, 'cause they
don't call it jock itch here.
So you didn't know what spray to buy?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. What'd you go with?
Mr Muscle.
Huh.
Hey, Roy.
Not sure if you know this,
but the rules say you
gotta pick a new captain.
Oh.
No, sir. You're my
captain. That's the rule.
No. The, uh, captain has to be
on the pitch. That's the rule.
I say that the current captain
has to pick the new captain.
That's my new rule.
Don't want to.
Well, you have to.
- I decline.
- I insist.
Can't make me.
Roy Kent, until you
choose your successor,
your duties as captain of
this squad remain unfulfilled.
This is why it's hard to love you.
Oh.
You heard it, right?
He loves you.
All right, gang.
Here's the unskinny bop.
Manchester City is coming into
our house for the final match,
but preparation-wise, we gonna
treat it like it's any other game.
But it's not just any other game.
We could get relegated.
We got relegated when I was
at Cardiff. It's my family's team.
My nana never spoke to me after that.
She just left me a box
of her shit in her will.
Yeah, and when clubs go
down, teams get broken up.
Coach, do they not have
relegation in America?
Oh, no, no, no.
So what happens to all the shit
teams at the end of the season?
They play out the rest of the schedule,
going through the motions
in meaningless games
contested in lifeless,
half-empty stadiums,
and everyone's pretty
much fine with that.
- That sound about right, Coach?
- Yeah, it's dumb.
All right. Now, Coach Nate
No, no, no.
- Not No, not here.
- Not inside.
I was saying, now Coach Nate
has a video he wants to show.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Okay.
So, um, I thought you'd
all find this, uh, motivational.
All right.
Amigo Jamie.
Clearly no barbers in Manchester.
Well, I'd never say a bad
word about me old club
even though I did carry
them through every match.
But they're good lads.
Apart from Roy Kent. He is a knob.
You know, and it's nice to
have a real manager like Pep,
instead of that American rodeo clown.
You know, Lasso sent me away,
now they're facing the drop.
Sunday, I get to put
the final nail in the ashes.
Instant karma, it's gonna get ya.
Oops, innit?
Well said.
All right, let's go climb that mountain!
Okay, so if the Premier
League is the best,
then what's the league
called right below it?
The Championship.
Now, hold on one second.
So if you come in last place
in the Premier League,
you get to play in the Championship?
They also invented irony.
Man, this town has got a
weird way with words, don't it?
I mean, come on, y'all. It's 2020.
Let's just call 'em cigarettes.
- Oh, God, yeah.
- You know what I mean?
Hey. How you doing, fellas?
We, uh, just wanted to say thanks.
Yeah, we know you did your best.
Even though your best is still shit.
- Baz.
- Oh, come on, now.
You're acting like we lost
the game already, yeah?
Why don't you have a little hope?
Aw, Ted. Haven't you lived
here long enough to realize?
It's the hope that kills you.
Why don't you text Nate? We got
a little work to do tonight, huh?
Okay, come on. We got this.
Look, we win, we're in, okay?
There is a scenario where Crystal
Palace beat Norwich by six goals,
and we avoid relegation with just a tie.
No, no, no. Nope. Sorry. Uh-uh.
No. I hate ties, Nate.
How many times I gotta tell you
that? They ain't natural, all right?
If God wanted games to end in a tie,
she wouldn't have invented
numbers, all right?
Come on, guys. Let's fire up. Let's go.
For the love of Meghan Markle,
do not blow that whistle
again, Nate. I swear.
- Sorry.
- I got neighbors upstairs,
and they will just start
stomping away. Okay?
Come on. Tell me how
we beat Manchester City.
- We cannot beat Manchester City.
- Dang it, Nate!
That is not what I want to hear
from my assistant coach
on his first day.
It is hopeless.
Oh, I'm sorry. It's hopeless?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Quick question. Are those
the only clothes you own?
This? No, I got three of these.
That ring a bell, Nate? That ring
a very large bell in your head?
You had that hanging in your home?
I got a ton of these hanging up in here.
This one's from the bathroom mirror.
It's the first thing I
see every morning,
and it's the last thing I see at night
when I rationalize
being too tired to floss.
Belief can't score goals, Coach.
Well, hello, Nelson.
Let me introduce you to
another Nelson right here.
I think you two will
hit it off just fine,
'cause you're both so damn pessimistic!
Sorry, Ms. Shipley!
I believe the gentleman is suggesting
that we are a pair of Negative Nellies.
Oh, right.
Jackpot.
Morning, boss. Here you are.
Oh. Ted.
I sense you're carrying around
something today besides biscuits.
Good eye, small fry.
I hate to say it, Rebecca,
but I think your football club
might have been better
off with a soccer coach.
Where's this coming from?
Look, if we do end up losing on Sunday,
you just go ahead
and do whatever you think is
best for the future of this club,
you understand?
Even if that means
this guy's gotta go
You know, you put
that thing, and just
You know, whatever you got.
Whatever you wanna do. I
mean, don't really murder me,
but, you know, just
All that. You get what I'm getting at?
- Fire me. You get the gist. Yeah.
- Okay. Okay.
So you think you're not a
"proper" football manager.
Someone who's never played the
game before, or knows the rules.
No, I don't know jack
diddly about any of it.
But who cares? There's a
great saying in Dutch football.
Oh, I don't speak Dutch.
That's why I was going
to tell you in English.
Perfect. Lay it on me.
"Every disadvantage has its advantage".
Ooh, I like that.
Sure, you don't know what you're doing,
but doesn't that mean that you
see the game in a different way
than any other football manager?
And shouldn't that empower you
to cause complete and utter confusion?
Cause confusion or create chaos.
Yep. Yes, it is. Thanks, boss.
Whoo-hoo!
I'm fine.
Oh, my God.
The chaos has already begun. Whoo!
All right, gentlemen.
School is in session.
And today's lesson is "trick plays".
At least, that's what
we call 'em back home.
- What do they call 'em here again?
- Elaborate set pieces.
Yeah, we gonna stick with
"trick plays". That's a lot more fun.
Now, the idea behind every trick play
is to have chaos rain down upon
your opponents and stun them.
Much like the lava did to
those poor folks in Pompeii.
So, I want y'all to think about
every single trick play
you have ever run
your entire time playing
this sport. Anybody got one?
Yeah, Dani, what you got?
When I played for Tigres,
we had a great set piece.
- Did it have a name?
- "The Sandman".
Yeah. Now we're cooking. "The Sandman".
We're gonna learn that play
today. Who else got one?
- "Pepper Shakers".
- "Pepper Shakers"?
Yeah, plural. Gotta be two.
"Beckham's Todger".
Beckham, I know. Todger, I don't know.
- It's dirty.
- Okay.
"Midnight Poutine".
- Poutine?
- That's not dirty.
It's just super Canadian.
- "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang".
- Oh, with Dick Van Dyke.
The owner of one of the most authentic
English accents in
the history of cinema.
- What do you got?
- "The Broken Tap".
All right. That's not a complaint,
that's an actual play name?
Think Man City will leak
a lot of goals from it.
Whoa!
Oh. Nice. Yeah?
- "Loki's Toboggan".
- "The Upside-Down Taxi".
- "Hadrian's Wall".
- "Dirty Martini".
Oh, I'd love to run that play
three times right now. I love it.
Do me a favor and toss
"Lasso Special" up there
just for the heck of it too.
All right, guys. Tell you right now,
we're gonna go out there,
and we're gonna learn a bunch
of these plays, you hear?
Come Sunday, we're gonna hit
Man City with the chaos hammer!
- Yeah!
- Let's go!
No. Sam, not wax.
- Ah, okay.
- Pomade. Pomade.
Yo, Jamie Tartt. It's you, yeah?
Let me get an ussie.
A what?
Oh.
Wicked.
I can't believe you got
dumped by Richmond.
Super embarrassing for you, yeah?
Eh, well, I got fucked by Lasso. So
He likes you now though. He talked
about you on telly, didn't he?
What are you on about, you posh twat?
Trent Crimm, The Independent.
Any bad blood between
you and Jamie Tartt?
Jamie? No. That's a special
young man right there.
Got talent for days, works hard,
and he's got a jawline like
the White Cliffs of Dover.
I'm always rootin' for him.
- What?
- Classic mind games, innit?
Right. You can fuck off.
Whoa!
You're fucking joking.
Oh, yeah, Roy, Jamie's coming over.
Oh, is he? Shall I make scones?
I don't like scones.
I'm not making scones, you idiot.
Good, 'cause I don't even like 'em.
What's that?
I made you coffee.
Well, then, what's this?
I brought you coffee.
Oh.
All right, Jamie, what was it
that you wanted to talk about?
Not gonna say it in front
of this dry old shit.
Why? He won't say anything. Will you?
Missed.
Ted Lasso is trying to play
fucking mind games with me.
Saying nice shit about me on
the telly. Trying to get in my head.
- He does like you.
- You're as full of shit as he is.
Oi. Mind your fucking manners.
All right, RoboCop.
Jamie, not everyone in
your life is out to get you.
I am.
What? Thought you respected honesty.
I do.
Oh, that is disgusting.
Look, Keeley. When you're done
feeding mushy peas to this old fart,
then you give me a call.
Look forward to seeing you tomorrow.
Enjoy the view from the bench.
What?
Well, now I want mushy peas.
Dad, when I see you coach soccer on TV,
it doesn't look like
you're doing anything.
Well, it's 'cause I'm not. All right?
It ain't like being a football
coach back home, kiddo.
I got a lot less control, 'cause
once the game gets going,
I can't tell my fellas what to do.
So I just gotta hope that everything
I've been trying to teach 'em
made some sort of impact on 'em,
and that they'll make
the right decisions
when they're out there on their own.
You know, it's kind of like
being a dad, I guess, huh?
How much did you get of
that before you checked out?
- I drew a robot.
- That's cool, bud.
The Richmond faithful
gather on a crucial night.
Win and they stay up.
Lose and they go down.
They come here full of hope,
but as they know all too well,
it's the hope that kills you.
Oh, this sport.
I'd forgotten how stressful it is
when you actually give a shit.
- I have a confession to make.
- Ooh.
I've never really cared about football.
I know. I know it sounds insane,
but I know how to act at a match.
"Referee!"
"Offside, you turnip!"
- God, you're awful.
- You believed me.
It's just that my heart has
never really been in it, you know?
But today
today, I care very much.
Arlo White here, with former
England international, Chris Powell,
live from the Dogtrack,
Nelson Road Stadium,
the home of AFC Richmond,
who tonight host the
mighty Manchester City.
Yoo-hoo! You like my new shirt?
Well, look at you.
It's David meets Goliath.
If David forgot to put his
stone in his slingshot, Arlo.
These are on me.
Thanks, Mae.
- Good luck group hug?
- No.
- Richmond.
- Richmond.
Okay, here we are. Family Higgins.
This is Terry, Kris, Dana, Stevie.
How many kids do you have,
Higgins? Jesus Christ.
And this is our eldest, Lindsay.
Good evening.
Forgive me, Father.
Don't worry. He's a cool priest.
When your parents have
you out of wedlock,
it allows you space to explore
life's little gray areas.
- Come on, Richmond!
- Come on!
With the Richmond
fans in full voice, Chris,
how do the players in the locker room
feel to be on the brink of relegation?
It's a tremendous
amount of pressure, Arlo.
To get the result they need,
it will have to start
with veteran leadership.
Isaac.
Yeah?
Never stop breaking TVs.
All right, now, fellas.
Hey, let's focus up, huh?
So I've been hearing this
phrase y'all got over here
that I ain't too crazy about.
"It's the hope that kills you".
Y'all know that?
I disagree, you know?
I think it's the lack of hope
that comes and gets you.
See, I believe in hope.
I believe in belief.
Now, where I'm from, we
got a saying too, yeah?
A question, actually.
"Do you believe in miracles?"
Now, I don't need y'all to
answer that question for me
but I do want you to answer
that question for yourselves.
Right now.
Do you believe in miracles?
And if you do
then I want y'all to circle up with
me right now. Come on. Let's go.
Get 'em in here.
All right, Captain. Let 'em know.
Let's go, Skipper, let's go.
All right, Captain. Let 'em know.
Richmond on 12.
One, two, three,
four, five, six,
seven, nine, ten, eleven, twelve!
Richmond!
Go Richmond!
Let's go!
Is that miracle thing
from a movie or real life?
Both.
Among the many subplots,
the return of Jamie Tartt,
who enjoyed a successful
loan period here,
but had an infamous
on-pitch dustup with Roy Kent,
who is not starting today.
I really can't remember
seeing Roy Kent on the
bench for a big match.
Hey, Jamie! Good luck!
Fucking mind games.
It's Richmond versus Manchester City.
And we're off.
Here we go.
Hendrick takes. Outside for Corwin.
Oh, and he puts Tartt through on goal.
No, no, no.
He has a man open to his left.
But he takes it himself!
And Zoreaux is there.
Nice stop!
That's a solid save from Zorro.
Yeah, Chris. It's pronounced "Zoreaux".
Thirty minutes gone.
Richmond with an opportunity
here on the counterattack.
Obisanya with an
inch-perfect through ball.
Oh! Winchester was clearly offside.
Come on, now!
- Explain to me how that's offsides.
- What?
No, I'm serious. How is that offside?
I don't understand that yet. You
And here comes Lasso's assistant
coach to review their tactics.
What chess moves do they have in store?
When the vinegar was next to the
Heineken, they weren't offside.
It's not when the vinegar
catches the ball,
it's when ketchup passes the ball.
- Yes, I understand now.
- Okay.
A shot from Dixon
Oh! Pushed over the bar.
Corner, corner!
Agony for Dixon, but
a corner for Richmond.
Come on, Richmond!
Corner kick, corner kick.
- Go for the Sandman. Call Sandman.
- What? Sandman.
Sandman! Guys, the Sandman!
- Sandman!
- Here we go.
Rojas to take the corner.
It's a dummy. Oh, and
another one. What is this?
Dixon again!
No! Hamlin saves with his foot.
Shit.
Ooh, baby, the Sandman almost
rocked 'em to sleep right there.
A bit of trickery from Ted Lasso.
Haven't seen that one before.
Nice move though. Nice move.
And that's halftime. The score is 0-0.
Shockingly, Richmond are still in this,
thanks to the stellar
play of Zoreaux in goal.
Okay, well, you got It's Reynolds.
No, you got to shore up
your defense. You have to
Okay, you know what? Never mind.
I'm just gonna go with my gut.
Somebody check the Crystal Palace score.
Hey, no. No, no, no. Absolutely not.
I don't want to hear about any other
game going on any other place.
Okay? Look, we are
not playing for a tie.
Ain't nobody here
gonna kiss their sister.
What?
Which is an American phrase
that I'm now realizing
does not exist here,
and that's good, 'cause it's creepy,
and I hate it myself, I
don't know why I said it.
I think it's just the adrenaline,
the nerves and all that.
But we are playing for a win.
Win and in. You hear?
- I can't hear your nods. Do you hear me?
- Yes, Coach.
Okay, good. All right. Roy, you
are starting the second half.
Go ahead and start warming up. Let's go.
Gentlemen, follow me.
And here comes Roy Kent.
Roy-o!
A surprising move from Lasso.
Manchester City's speed is
causing Richmond problems,
and he brings on Roy Kent,
who is, to be polite, very slow.
That's 'cause he's a fucking
octogenarian. Look at him.
City with a real opportunity here.
Scharfenberg into the box.
Oh, it's a penalty against Richmond.
- How? How?
- He didn't touch him!
Zoreaux in position. Hendrick to take.
He scores.
City finally get past
Zoreaux, and it's 1-0.
It's the goal that's been coming.
City take the lead, and
the Dogtrack falls silent.
We're only one goal down. There's
still a chance. Come on, Richmond!
I love you when you give a shit.
Go, Richmond!
Jamie Tartt with the breakaway.
If he scores here, it could
be curtains for Richmond.
No one can catch him.
Go, Roy, go!
Hold on. Can you believe it? It's Kent!
Yeah! Attaboy, Roy!
Roy! Roy!
Once again, the tortoise
has stopped the hare.
That's how you put him down, Roy!
What's the matter?
He's not getting up.
Now this looks serious.
It was a fair tackle on Tartt,
but Kent may have paid the price.
- And they're sending out the physio.
- Get up, Roy!
Roy. Roy, are you okay?
Fuck. I fucked my knee.
- Want me to call for the stretcher, Roy?
- No, just help me up.
Roy Kent! He's here, he's there
What the fuck are you doing?
he's every-fucking-where. Roy Kent!
Listen.
Roy Kent! He's here, he's there,
he's every-fucking-where. Roy Kent!
Roy Kent! He's here, he's there,
he's every-fucking-where.
Roy Kent! Roy Kent!
He's here, he's there,
he's every-fucking-where.
Roy Kent!
Well, we apologize
for the fruity language
as the crowd serenades Roy Kent
with a song that's echoed
through the Premier League
for more than a decade.
He's here, he's there,
he's every-fucking-where
And he's getting up.
Roy Kent!
Roy Kent will never
leave on a stretcher.
Roy Kent! He's here, he's there,
he's every-fucking-where! Roy Kent!
Roy Kent!
He's here, he's there,
he's every-fucking-where!
Roy Kent! Roy Kent!
As Kent comes off, he
claps the fans in gratitude.
Kent has been a fan favorite
because he always left everything
he had out on the pitch,
and he did so tonight.
Chris, does this almost
feel like a farewell to you?
Well, you have to wonder, Arlo.
At his age, with that injury
Personally, I'm sorry to say,
I think this may be the last time
we ever see the great
Roy Kent lace up his boots.
You're not allowed
back here during a game.
I told you, you have to get out.
I mean it. Stay the fuck away from me.
What the heck is going on
That's the sound of 26,000
people checking mobiles.
Oh, my God. Palace won 6-0.
But then that means
All we need is a tie.
- We just need a tie, boys!
- We just need a tie!
Come on! Let's go!
Come on, Richmond!
Three minutes of added time is all
that's left in Richmond's season.
Montlaur runs left.
Ooh! Fouled hard by Scharfenberg.
There you go, Richard! You
sell the crap outta that!
Montlaur earns Richmond
a late free kick.
I think he's making a meal of it, Arlo.
City players do too.
No, Chris. He's definitely hurt.
No, no, he's absolutely fine.
Yeah!
Oi! Lasso Special! Lasso Special!
Holy smokes.
Lasso Special!
Manchester City are more
worried about yelling at the official
than they are about whatever
it is Richmond are doing.
- Hold on, hold on.
- Actually, what are they doing?
Ref! They can't do that!
What are you doing?
They're gonna run it. I didn't even
call it. They're gonna just run it!
I don't know what's going
on here, but it looks like
Is this American football?
What the fuck is that?
What's he doing?
I've never seen anything like this.
- Motion!
- Get in line!
Obisanya goes in motion.
If Richmond are trying to
confuse Manchester City,
you have to say it's working.
It's working on me too, Arlo.
Blue 48!
Is Zoreaux yelling numbers and colors?
Hut, hut, hut! Hike!
One, two, three, four
The Richmond players fan
out. City's defense is in chaos.
And it's a Hail Mary to
Obisanya, who is wide open!
Rojas is all alone on the left.
- Dani's onside.
- Yeah, he is.
Rojas!
- Yes!
- Yeah!
The injury time equalizer
from Dani Rojas,
surely enough to keep Richmond
in the Premier League!
We got a tie! We got a tie!
- Yeah!
- We're staying in!
Coach!
Straight from the kickoff,
oh, City are back on the attack.
There he is again. Ooh, Tartt
loses Winchester with ease.
It's only him and the goalkeeper.
No.
Oh, he makes the extra pass.
Hendrick buries it.
Manchester City win,
and AFC Richmond's time in
the Premier League is over.
We can "woulda, coulda,
shoulda" all day long,
but, uh, that's it's a
tough loss. It's a tough loss.
It's over.
I do wanna congratulate Man City
on their win though,
and their coach, Pep.
Boy, did he look sharp
tonight. Yeah, my man
You! Do you really think I would've
come all the way down to London
to watch my son pass the ball?
You could've scored the winner.
You're better than that, Jamie. Fuck!
So, look, I
Oh, I'm good. Thank you. Yeah.
Hey. Y'all played a
heck of a game out there.
We may not have won, but
y'all definitely succeeded.
I mean, you gave the
champs 90 minutes of hell.
Zoreaux, where you at?
That dude had more saves
than a Baptist preacher.
Give it up for Zoreaux. Yeah.
That's right. What about Roy?
Roy chased down his grandson.
Stopped him from getting an easy one.
Now, look, this is a sad moment
right here. For all of us.
And there ain't nothing I can say,
standing in front of you right
now, that can take that away.
But please do me this favor, will you?
Lift your heads up and look
around this locker room.
Yeah?
Look at everybody else in here.
And I want you to be grateful
that you're going through this sad
moment with all these other folks.
Because I promise you,
there is something worse
out there than being sad,
and that is being alone and being sad.
Ain't nobody in this room alone.
Sam, do you remember what
animal has the shortest memory?
A goldfish.
That's right. It's a goldfish.
Sam, what do you think we should all do
once we get done being sad
and/or angry about this situation?
I think we should all be a goldfish.
I agree.
Let's be sad now. Let's be sad together.
And then we can be a gosh-darn goldfish.
Onward. Forward.
What do you want?
Night, Jamie.
A love letter?
We'll have a conversation about that.
Hey, y'all.
- I'll leave you two to talk.
- Thank you, Leslie.
Leslie? Is that your first name?
It was my mother's name. I'm
what's known as a feminine junior.
Oh. Cool.
Please. Take a seat.
Tea?
No. Tea and I are still
on a lifelong hiatus, yeah.
I'll take a little water though, please.
Well, Ted. That was certainly
a heartbreaking result.
Yes, ma'am. And I've
been thinking about it.
I think it's mighty unfair
that you have to fire me, so
If it's all the same to you,
I'd like to spare you
the trouble and just quit.
Um, this here is my
letter of resignation.
Um I wrote it on the
back of a takeout menu,
but it's in an envelope, and I
signed it, so, you know, it's legit.
You listen to me, Coach Lasso.
You are not going anywhere,
'cause we have work to do next season.
Well, okay. All right, then.
Yeah. So, wait. Tell me this, though.
The teams that get relegated, they
can get, uh, un-relegated, yeah?
They can get promoted.
So then, next year we
get ourselves a promotion,
which looks good on any résumé.
Then we come back to this league and
we do something that no one
believes we could ever do.
Win the whole fucking thing.
There you are.
The bubbles.
I'm sorry. Did I get you?
Right.
Who the hell are you?
Oh, hi! Hello. I'm I'm Will.
I'm the new clubhouse attendant.
No, you're not. I'm the
clubhouse attendant.
Hey, Higgins, where are you?
Ted, what the fuck's going on?
I don't know. I'm trying
to figure it out myself.
- Figure what out? Have I been sacked?
- Has he been fired?
I don't know anything about this, Ted.
- There you are.
- There you are.
- Is this because I called Isaac a pussy?
- I don't know
Good morning, everyone.
You shrew. You did this, didn't you?
Why so hostile, Nathan?
Right, I'll tell you why
You know my name?
Well, I had to spell it
correctly for your contract.
Nate-dawg, you haven't
been fired. It's worse.
You've been promoted.
Nate! Nate! Nate!
Ooh.
Nathan Shelley, I present
to you this whistle.
But it is sad. Do you know why?
- No.
- Because it has never been blown.
Is that the same reason why Colin's sad?
By the power vested in me by the
Associative Football Club of Richmond,
I now pronounce you Coach Nate.
Thanks a lot. Thank you.
No, no! Not inside.
Sorry. Sorry.
It got confusing, 'cause they
don't call it jock itch here.
So you didn't know what spray to buy?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. What'd you go with?
Mr Muscle.
Huh.
Hey, Roy.
Not sure if you know this,
but the rules say you
gotta pick a new captain.
Oh.
No, sir. You're my
captain. That's the rule.
No. The, uh, captain has to be
on the pitch. That's the rule.
I say that the current captain
has to pick the new captain.
That's my new rule.
Don't want to.
Well, you have to.
- I decline.
- I insist.
Can't make me.
Roy Kent, until you
choose your successor,
your duties as captain of
this squad remain unfulfilled.
This is why it's hard to love you.
Oh.
You heard it, right?
He loves you.
All right, gang.
Here's the unskinny bop.
Manchester City is coming into
our house for the final match,
but preparation-wise, we gonna
treat it like it's any other game.
But it's not just any other game.
We could get relegated.
We got relegated when I was
at Cardiff. It's my family's team.
My nana never spoke to me after that.
She just left me a box
of her shit in her will.
Yeah, and when clubs go
down, teams get broken up.
Coach, do they not have
relegation in America?
Oh, no, no, no.
So what happens to all the shit
teams at the end of the season?
They play out the rest of the schedule,
going through the motions
in meaningless games
contested in lifeless,
half-empty stadiums,
and everyone's pretty
much fine with that.
- That sound about right, Coach?
- Yeah, it's dumb.
All right. Now, Coach Nate
No, no, no.
- Not No, not here.
- Not inside.
I was saying, now Coach Nate
has a video he wants to show.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Okay.
So, um, I thought you'd
all find this, uh, motivational.
All right.
Amigo Jamie.
Clearly no barbers in Manchester.
Well, I'd never say a bad
word about me old club
even though I did carry
them through every match.
But they're good lads.
Apart from Roy Kent. He is a knob.
You know, and it's nice to
have a real manager like Pep,
instead of that American rodeo clown.
You know, Lasso sent me away,
now they're facing the drop.
Sunday, I get to put
the final nail in the ashes.
Instant karma, it's gonna get ya.
Oops, innit?
Well said.
All right, let's go climb that mountain!
Okay, so if the Premier
League is the best,
then what's the league
called right below it?
The Championship.
Now, hold on one second.
So if you come in last place
in the Premier League,
you get to play in the Championship?
They also invented irony.
Man, this town has got a
weird way with words, don't it?
I mean, come on, y'all. It's 2020.
Let's just call 'em cigarettes.
- Oh, God, yeah.
- You know what I mean?
Hey. How you doing, fellas?
We, uh, just wanted to say thanks.
Yeah, we know you did your best.
Even though your best is still shit.
- Baz.
- Oh, come on, now.
You're acting like we lost
the game already, yeah?
Why don't you have a little hope?
Aw, Ted. Haven't you lived
here long enough to realize?
It's the hope that kills you.
Why don't you text Nate? We got
a little work to do tonight, huh?
Okay, come on. We got this.
Look, we win, we're in, okay?
There is a scenario where Crystal
Palace beat Norwich by six goals,
and we avoid relegation with just a tie.
No, no, no. Nope. Sorry. Uh-uh.
No. I hate ties, Nate.
How many times I gotta tell you
that? They ain't natural, all right?
If God wanted games to end in a tie,
she wouldn't have invented
numbers, all right?
Come on, guys. Let's fire up. Let's go.
For the love of Meghan Markle,
do not blow that whistle
again, Nate. I swear.
- Sorry.
- I got neighbors upstairs,
and they will just start
stomping away. Okay?
Come on. Tell me how
we beat Manchester City.
- We cannot beat Manchester City.
- Dang it, Nate!
That is not what I want to hear
from my assistant coach
on his first day.
It is hopeless.
Oh, I'm sorry. It's hopeless?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Quick question. Are those
the only clothes you own?
This? No, I got three of these.
That ring a bell, Nate? That ring
a very large bell in your head?
You had that hanging in your home?
I got a ton of these hanging up in here.
This one's from the bathroom mirror.
It's the first thing I
see every morning,
and it's the last thing I see at night
when I rationalize
being too tired to floss.
Belief can't score goals, Coach.
Well, hello, Nelson.
Let me introduce you to
another Nelson right here.
I think you two will
hit it off just fine,
'cause you're both so damn pessimistic!
Sorry, Ms. Shipley!
I believe the gentleman is suggesting
that we are a pair of Negative Nellies.
Oh, right.
Jackpot.
Morning, boss. Here you are.
Oh. Ted.
I sense you're carrying around
something today besides biscuits.
Good eye, small fry.
I hate to say it, Rebecca,
but I think your football club
might have been better
off with a soccer coach.
Where's this coming from?
Look, if we do end up losing on Sunday,
you just go ahead
and do whatever you think is
best for the future of this club,
you understand?
Even if that means
this guy's gotta go
You know, you put
that thing, and just
You know, whatever you got.
Whatever you wanna do. I
mean, don't really murder me,
but, you know, just
All that. You get what I'm getting at?
- Fire me. You get the gist. Yeah.
- Okay. Okay.
So you think you're not a
"proper" football manager.
Someone who's never played the
game before, or knows the rules.
No, I don't know jack
diddly about any of it.
But who cares? There's a
great saying in Dutch football.
Oh, I don't speak Dutch.
That's why I was going
to tell you in English.
Perfect. Lay it on me.
"Every disadvantage has its advantage".
Ooh, I like that.
Sure, you don't know what you're doing,
but doesn't that mean that you
see the game in a different way
than any other football manager?
And shouldn't that empower you
to cause complete and utter confusion?
Cause confusion or create chaos.
Yep. Yes, it is. Thanks, boss.
Whoo-hoo!
I'm fine.
Oh, my God.
The chaos has already begun. Whoo!
All right, gentlemen.
School is in session.
And today's lesson is "trick plays".
At least, that's what
we call 'em back home.
- What do they call 'em here again?
- Elaborate set pieces.
Yeah, we gonna stick with
"trick plays". That's a lot more fun.
Now, the idea behind every trick play
is to have chaos rain down upon
your opponents and stun them.
Much like the lava did to
those poor folks in Pompeii.
So, I want y'all to think about
every single trick play
you have ever run
your entire time playing
this sport. Anybody got one?
Yeah, Dani, what you got?
When I played for Tigres,
we had a great set piece.
- Did it have a name?
- "The Sandman".
Yeah. Now we're cooking. "The Sandman".
We're gonna learn that play
today. Who else got one?
- "Pepper Shakers".
- "Pepper Shakers"?
Yeah, plural. Gotta be two.
"Beckham's Todger".
Beckham, I know. Todger, I don't know.
- It's dirty.
- Okay.
"Midnight Poutine".
- Poutine?
- That's not dirty.
It's just super Canadian.
- "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang".
- Oh, with Dick Van Dyke.
The owner of one of the most authentic
English accents in
the history of cinema.
- What do you got?
- "The Broken Tap".
All right. That's not a complaint,
that's an actual play name?
Think Man City will leak
a lot of goals from it.
Whoa!
Oh. Nice. Yeah?
- "Loki's Toboggan".
- "The Upside-Down Taxi".
- "Hadrian's Wall".
- "Dirty Martini".
Oh, I'd love to run that play
three times right now. I love it.
Do me a favor and toss
"Lasso Special" up there
just for the heck of it too.
All right, guys. Tell you right now,
we're gonna go out there,
and we're gonna learn a bunch
of these plays, you hear?
Come Sunday, we're gonna hit
Man City with the chaos hammer!
- Yeah!
- Let's go!
No. Sam, not wax.
- Ah, okay.
- Pomade. Pomade.
Yo, Jamie Tartt. It's you, yeah?
Let me get an ussie.
A what?
Oh.
Wicked.
I can't believe you got
dumped by Richmond.
Super embarrassing for you, yeah?
Eh, well, I got fucked by Lasso. So
He likes you now though. He talked
about you on telly, didn't he?
What are you on about, you posh twat?
Trent Crimm, The Independent.
Any bad blood between
you and Jamie Tartt?
Jamie? No. That's a special
young man right there.
Got talent for days, works hard,
and he's got a jawline like
the White Cliffs of Dover.
I'm always rootin' for him.
- What?
- Classic mind games, innit?
Right. You can fuck off.
Whoa!
You're fucking joking.
Oh, yeah, Roy, Jamie's coming over.
Oh, is he? Shall I make scones?
I don't like scones.
I'm not making scones, you idiot.
Good, 'cause I don't even like 'em.
What's that?
I made you coffee.
Well, then, what's this?
I brought you coffee.
Oh.
All right, Jamie, what was it
that you wanted to talk about?
Not gonna say it in front
of this dry old shit.
Why? He won't say anything. Will you?
Missed.
Ted Lasso is trying to play
fucking mind games with me.
Saying nice shit about me on
the telly. Trying to get in my head.
- He does like you.
- You're as full of shit as he is.
Oi. Mind your fucking manners.
All right, RoboCop.
Jamie, not everyone in
your life is out to get you.
I am.
What? Thought you respected honesty.
I do.
Oh, that is disgusting.
Look, Keeley. When you're done
feeding mushy peas to this old fart,
then you give me a call.
Look forward to seeing you tomorrow.
Enjoy the view from the bench.
What?
Well, now I want mushy peas.
Dad, when I see you coach soccer on TV,
it doesn't look like
you're doing anything.
Well, it's 'cause I'm not. All right?
It ain't like being a football
coach back home, kiddo.
I got a lot less control, 'cause
once the game gets going,
I can't tell my fellas what to do.
So I just gotta hope that everything
I've been trying to teach 'em
made some sort of impact on 'em,
and that they'll make
the right decisions
when they're out there on their own.
You know, it's kind of like
being a dad, I guess, huh?
How much did you get of
that before you checked out?
- I drew a robot.
- That's cool, bud.
The Richmond faithful
gather on a crucial night.
Win and they stay up.
Lose and they go down.
They come here full of hope,
but as they know all too well,
it's the hope that kills you.
Oh, this sport.
I'd forgotten how stressful it is
when you actually give a shit.
- I have a confession to make.
- Ooh.
I've never really cared about football.
I know. I know it sounds insane,
but I know how to act at a match.
"Referee!"
"Offside, you turnip!"
- God, you're awful.
- You believed me.
It's just that my heart has
never really been in it, you know?
But today
today, I care very much.
Arlo White here, with former
England international, Chris Powell,
live from the Dogtrack,
Nelson Road Stadium,
the home of AFC Richmond,
who tonight host the
mighty Manchester City.
Yoo-hoo! You like my new shirt?
Well, look at you.
It's David meets Goliath.
If David forgot to put his
stone in his slingshot, Arlo.
These are on me.
Thanks, Mae.
- Good luck group hug?
- No.
- Richmond.
- Richmond.
Okay, here we are. Family Higgins.
This is Terry, Kris, Dana, Stevie.
How many kids do you have,
Higgins? Jesus Christ.
And this is our eldest, Lindsay.
Good evening.
Forgive me, Father.
Don't worry. He's a cool priest.
When your parents have
you out of wedlock,
it allows you space to explore
life's little gray areas.
- Come on, Richmond!
- Come on!
With the Richmond
fans in full voice, Chris,
how do the players in the locker room
feel to be on the brink of relegation?
It's a tremendous
amount of pressure, Arlo.
To get the result they need,
it will have to start
with veteran leadership.
Isaac.
Yeah?
Never stop breaking TVs.
All right, now, fellas.
Hey, let's focus up, huh?
So I've been hearing this
phrase y'all got over here
that I ain't too crazy about.
"It's the hope that kills you".
Y'all know that?
I disagree, you know?
I think it's the lack of hope
that comes and gets you.
See, I believe in hope.
I believe in belief.
Now, where I'm from, we
got a saying too, yeah?
A question, actually.
"Do you believe in miracles?"
Now, I don't need y'all to
answer that question for me
but I do want you to answer
that question for yourselves.
Right now.
Do you believe in miracles?
And if you do
then I want y'all to circle up with
me right now. Come on. Let's go.
Get 'em in here.
All right, Captain. Let 'em know.
Let's go, Skipper, let's go.
All right, Captain. Let 'em know.
Richmond on 12.
One, two, three,
four, five, six,
seven, nine, ten, eleven, twelve!
Richmond!
Go Richmond!
Let's go!
Is that miracle thing
from a movie or real life?
Both.
Among the many subplots,
the return of Jamie Tartt,
who enjoyed a successful
loan period here,
but had an infamous
on-pitch dustup with Roy Kent,
who is not starting today.
I really can't remember
seeing Roy Kent on the
bench for a big match.
Hey, Jamie! Good luck!
Fucking mind games.
It's Richmond versus Manchester City.
And we're off.
Here we go.
Hendrick takes. Outside for Corwin.
Oh, and he puts Tartt through on goal.
No, no, no.
He has a man open to his left.
But he takes it himself!
And Zoreaux is there.
Nice stop!
That's a solid save from Zorro.
Yeah, Chris. It's pronounced "Zoreaux".
Thirty minutes gone.
Richmond with an opportunity
here on the counterattack.
Obisanya with an
inch-perfect through ball.
Oh! Winchester was clearly offside.
Come on, now!
- Explain to me how that's offsides.
- What?
No, I'm serious. How is that offside?
I don't understand that yet. You
And here comes Lasso's assistant
coach to review their tactics.
What chess moves do they have in store?
When the vinegar was next to the
Heineken, they weren't offside.
It's not when the vinegar
catches the ball,
it's when ketchup passes the ball.
- Yes, I understand now.
- Okay.
A shot from Dixon
Oh! Pushed over the bar.
Corner, corner!
Agony for Dixon, but
a corner for Richmond.
Come on, Richmond!
Corner kick, corner kick.
- Go for the Sandman. Call Sandman.
- What? Sandman.
Sandman! Guys, the Sandman!
- Sandman!
- Here we go.
Rojas to take the corner.
It's a dummy. Oh, and
another one. What is this?
Dixon again!
No! Hamlin saves with his foot.
Shit.
Ooh, baby, the Sandman almost
rocked 'em to sleep right there.
A bit of trickery from Ted Lasso.
Haven't seen that one before.
Nice move though. Nice move.
And that's halftime. The score is 0-0.
Shockingly, Richmond are still in this,
thanks to the stellar
play of Zoreaux in goal.
Okay, well, you got It's Reynolds.
No, you got to shore up
your defense. You have to
Okay, you know what? Never mind.
I'm just gonna go with my gut.
Somebody check the Crystal Palace score.
Hey, no. No, no, no. Absolutely not.
I don't want to hear about any other
game going on any other place.
Okay? Look, we are
not playing for a tie.
Ain't nobody here
gonna kiss their sister.
What?
Which is an American phrase
that I'm now realizing
does not exist here,
and that's good, 'cause it's creepy,
and I hate it myself, I
don't know why I said it.
I think it's just the adrenaline,
the nerves and all that.
But we are playing for a win.
Win and in. You hear?
- I can't hear your nods. Do you hear me?
- Yes, Coach.
Okay, good. All right. Roy, you
are starting the second half.
Go ahead and start warming up. Let's go.
Gentlemen, follow me.
And here comes Roy Kent.
Roy-o!
A surprising move from Lasso.
Manchester City's speed is
causing Richmond problems,
and he brings on Roy Kent,
who is, to be polite, very slow.
That's 'cause he's a fucking
octogenarian. Look at him.
City with a real opportunity here.
Scharfenberg into the box.
Oh, it's a penalty against Richmond.
- How? How?
- He didn't touch him!
Zoreaux in position. Hendrick to take.
He scores.
City finally get past
Zoreaux, and it's 1-0.
It's the goal that's been coming.
City take the lead, and
the Dogtrack falls silent.
We're only one goal down. There's
still a chance. Come on, Richmond!
I love you when you give a shit.
Go, Richmond!
Jamie Tartt with the breakaway.
If he scores here, it could
be curtains for Richmond.
No one can catch him.
Go, Roy, go!
Hold on. Can you believe it? It's Kent!
Yeah! Attaboy, Roy!
Roy! Roy!
Once again, the tortoise
has stopped the hare.
That's how you put him down, Roy!
What's the matter?
He's not getting up.
Now this looks serious.
It was a fair tackle on Tartt,
but Kent may have paid the price.
- And they're sending out the physio.
- Get up, Roy!
Roy. Roy, are you okay?
Fuck. I fucked my knee.
- Want me to call for the stretcher, Roy?
- No, just help me up.
Roy Kent! He's here, he's there
What the fuck are you doing?
he's every-fucking-where. Roy Kent!
Listen.
Roy Kent! He's here, he's there,
he's every-fucking-where. Roy Kent!
Roy Kent! He's here, he's there,
he's every-fucking-where.
Roy Kent! Roy Kent!
He's here, he's there,
he's every-fucking-where.
Roy Kent!
Well, we apologize
for the fruity language
as the crowd serenades Roy Kent
with a song that's echoed
through the Premier League
for more than a decade.
He's here, he's there,
he's every-fucking-where
And he's getting up.
Roy Kent!
Roy Kent will never
leave on a stretcher.
Roy Kent! He's here, he's there,
he's every-fucking-where! Roy Kent!
Roy Kent!
He's here, he's there,
he's every-fucking-where!
Roy Kent! Roy Kent!
As Kent comes off, he
claps the fans in gratitude.
Kent has been a fan favorite
because he always left everything
he had out on the pitch,
and he did so tonight.
Chris, does this almost
feel like a farewell to you?
Well, you have to wonder, Arlo.
At his age, with that injury
Personally, I'm sorry to say,
I think this may be the last time
we ever see the great
Roy Kent lace up his boots.
You're not allowed
back here during a game.
I told you, you have to get out.
I mean it. Stay the fuck away from me.
What the heck is going on
That's the sound of 26,000
people checking mobiles.
Oh, my God. Palace won 6-0.
But then that means
All we need is a tie.
- We just need a tie, boys!
- We just need a tie!
Come on! Let's go!
Come on, Richmond!
Three minutes of added time is all
that's left in Richmond's season.
Montlaur runs left.
Ooh! Fouled hard by Scharfenberg.
There you go, Richard! You
sell the crap outta that!
Montlaur earns Richmond
a late free kick.
I think he's making a meal of it, Arlo.
City players do too.
No, Chris. He's definitely hurt.
No, no, he's absolutely fine.
Yeah!
Oi! Lasso Special! Lasso Special!
Holy smokes.
Lasso Special!
Manchester City are more
worried about yelling at the official
than they are about whatever
it is Richmond are doing.
- Hold on, hold on.
- Actually, what are they doing?
Ref! They can't do that!
What are you doing?
They're gonna run it. I didn't even
call it. They're gonna just run it!
I don't know what's going
on here, but it looks like
Is this American football?
What the fuck is that?
What's he doing?
I've never seen anything like this.
- Motion!
- Get in line!
Obisanya goes in motion.
If Richmond are trying to
confuse Manchester City,
you have to say it's working.
It's working on me too, Arlo.
Blue 48!
Is Zoreaux yelling numbers and colors?
Hut, hut, hut! Hike!
One, two, three, four
The Richmond players fan
out. City's defense is in chaos.
And it's a Hail Mary to
Obisanya, who is wide open!
Rojas is all alone on the left.
- Dani's onside.
- Yeah, he is.
Rojas!
- Yes!
- Yeah!
The injury time equalizer
from Dani Rojas,
surely enough to keep Richmond
in the Premier League!
We got a tie! We got a tie!
- Yeah!
- We're staying in!
Coach!
Straight from the kickoff,
oh, City are back on the attack.
There he is again. Ooh, Tartt
loses Winchester with ease.
It's only him and the goalkeeper.
No.
Oh, he makes the extra pass.
Hendrick buries it.
Manchester City win,
and AFC Richmond's time in
the Premier League is over.
We can "woulda, coulda,
shoulda" all day long,
but, uh, that's it's a
tough loss. It's a tough loss.
It's over.
I do wanna congratulate Man City
on their win though,
and their coach, Pep.
Boy, did he look sharp
tonight. Yeah, my man
You! Do you really think I would've
come all the way down to London
to watch my son pass the ball?
You could've scored the winner.
You're better than that, Jamie. Fuck!
So, look, I
Oh, I'm good. Thank you. Yeah.
Hey. Y'all played a
heck of a game out there.
We may not have won, but
y'all definitely succeeded.
I mean, you gave the
champs 90 minutes of hell.
Zoreaux, where you at?
That dude had more saves
than a Baptist preacher.
Give it up for Zoreaux. Yeah.
That's right. What about Roy?
Roy chased down his grandson.
Stopped him from getting an easy one.
Now, look, this is a sad moment
right here. For all of us.
And there ain't nothing I can say,
standing in front of you right
now, that can take that away.
But please do me this favor, will you?
Lift your heads up and look
around this locker room.
Yeah?
Look at everybody else in here.
And I want you to be grateful
that you're going through this sad
moment with all these other folks.
Because I promise you,
there is something worse
out there than being sad,
and that is being alone and being sad.
Ain't nobody in this room alone.
Sam, do you remember what
animal has the shortest memory?
A goldfish.
That's right. It's a goldfish.
Sam, what do you think we should all do
once we get done being sad
and/or angry about this situation?
I think we should all be a goldfish.
I agree.
Let's be sad now. Let's be sad together.
And then we can be a gosh-darn goldfish.
Onward. Forward.
What do you want?
Night, Jamie.
A love letter?
We'll have a conversation about that.
Hey, y'all.
- I'll leave you two to talk.
- Thank you, Leslie.
Leslie? Is that your first name?
It was my mother's name. I'm
what's known as a feminine junior.
Oh. Cool.
Please. Take a seat.
Tea?
No. Tea and I are still
on a lifelong hiatus, yeah.
I'll take a little water though, please.
Well, Ted. That was certainly
a heartbreaking result.
Yes, ma'am. And I've
been thinking about it.
I think it's mighty unfair
that you have to fire me, so
If it's all the same to you,
I'd like to spare you
the trouble and just quit.
Um, this here is my
letter of resignation.
Um I wrote it on the
back of a takeout menu,
but it's in an envelope, and I
signed it, so, you know, it's legit.
You listen to me, Coach Lasso.
You are not going anywhere,
'cause we have work to do next season.
Well, okay. All right, then.
Yeah. So, wait. Tell me this, though.
The teams that get relegated, they
can get, uh, un-relegated, yeah?
They can get promoted.
So then, next year we
get ourselves a promotion,
which looks good on any résumé.
Then we come back to this league and
we do something that no one
believes we could ever do.
Win the whole fucking thing.
There you are.
The bubbles.
I'm sorry. Did I get you?