Ted Lasso (2020) s02e01 Episode Script

Goodbye Earl

And we're in the final minute of added time.
AFC Richmond and Nottingham Forest are level with two goals apiece.
Obisanya switches play.
He finds Rojas, who has room.
Oh! And it's a penalty! A giant opportunity for the Greyhounds to change their club's tide here.
Nice pass, Sam! Here we go, Dani! - Yeah! Yes! - Nice, nice.
Huge relief for Colin Hughes after he was liable for Forest's equalizer.
Richmond has started the season with seven straight ties… and if this match ends in a draw, they will tie the record, which is currently a tie between Southampton and Swansea.
Chris, can you even imagine starting a season with seven consecutive draws? I sure can, Arlo.
And that's because I'm a right-brained dominant with a knack for make-believe.
Is it okay if I pray? Yeah, of course.
But to which god and in what language, you know? You could cross your fingers, make a wish.
There you go.
The Richmond faithful, who've recently gone through so much, still fervently behind their club.
Keep on him.
Go on.
Yeah! And a hush falls over Nelson Road… With the exception of Richmond's venerable mascot, Earl Greyhound, howling his encouragement.
Will Dani Rojas deliver the good boy their first win of the season? Please, please, please, please.
Come on, Dani.
Football is life.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, my God.
I promise that's not what I wished for.
That poor creature.
It's so tragic.
Awful turn of events.
You don't think that people will hate us because of it, do you? Well, it was obviously a horrible accident, but I guess that one perk of being in a lower division now is that not every game is televised.
Yes, but, Higgins, the Internet.
Oh, right, the goddamn Internet.
Twitter is going bonkers.
Oh, God.
Did we really make Michael Jordan cry? - Did you write a statement for Ted? - Yeah, I did.
But then he said, "Now, don't you fret, Boba Fett.
" He's got it covered.
- Coach! - All right, Marcus, - what do you got for me? - Coach Lasso, how are you feeling about the team's efforts today? Well, I feel like everyone played their hearts out, especially Sam.
Just gets better and better every game.
He's really helping us fill that giant Roy Kent void, you know.
And how many more matches you think can end in a draw before you hit the panic button? Well, Marcus, there's two buttons I never like to hit, all right? And that's "panic" and "snooze.
" Who else? What about this fella right here? - Trent Crimm-- - The Independent.
I was wondering if you had any comments on Earl, the dog Dani Rojas killed today.
Trent Crimm, bringing that heat.
Well, when I was three years old, I got attacked by our neighbor's dog.
I-I don't remember it happening, but my mother said it was pretty-- pretty scary, you know.
I do remember being afraid of dogs while growing up though.
Like if I was at a friend's house for a sleepover or something, they'd have to keep their family dog outside, otherwise I'd bawl my eyes out.
Then in high school, our neighbor, Mr.
Grady, well, his wife passed away.
And he was real sad about that, as you can imagine, and he just kinda stopped taking care of their dog.
Same one that bit me.
His name was Hank.
And so I started looking after him, you know.
Feeding him, taking him on walks, playing fetch, all that fun stuff.
Eventually, Mr.
Grady's son moved his dad into a nursing home, and he asked if I wanted to keep Hank, and I was like, "Yeah.
Heck, yeah.
" And then a year or so after that we had to put Hank to sleep.
It's funny to think about the things in your life… that can make you cry just knowing that they existed, can then become the same thing that make you cry knowing that they're now gone.
I think those things come into our lives… to help us get from one place to a better one.
And I hope we helped Earl do just that.
We gonna miss him around here a whole bunch.
And how's Dani doing? I haven't spoken with him yet, but I just hope he's not being too hard on himself, you know.
He's been like this for 20 minutes.
He's gonna use all the hot water.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you're right.
Hey, Dani.
What ya doing? Washing the death off of me.
Well, I-- I recommend you use a little soap.
Helps get the eternal rest out of those tough-to-reach places, you know.
Gracias, Coach.
Well, hey, don't forget, football is life, right? I know.
It used to be.
I got nothing.
Okay, so, fellas, let's go ahead and give Dani a little bit of space right now, yeah? Y'all don't mind showering at home, do ya? Coach, if it's okay with you, some of us prefer to take long baths at home.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no, okay, that'll work too.
Oh, and hey, way to play out there today.
Y'all kicked their butts from soup to nuts.
Don't worry, we gonna get a W soon.
We'll see you goldfish on Monday.
Goldfish? Oh, it means to forget our mistakes and failures and just move on.
But I didn't make any mistakes.
Only you played poorly.
Hey, guys, Jan Maas is not being rude.
He's just being Dutch.
- Yeah, yeah.
- True.
I'm telling you, all these ties are my fault.
It's straight up celestial payback for the Man City game.
There I was wishing and hoping for a freaking tie, and now the karma police are making good on showing me what I get when I mess with them.
The team's playing well, Ted, just a little unlucky, that's all.
" Yeah.
Man, I love the way y'all use that word over here.
Back home, if a team was playing poorly, we don't call 'em unlucky.
- What do we call 'em, Coach? - New York Jets.
- There it is.
- Hey, Coach.
Sorry to interrupt.
Can I leave a little early today? But part of your job is to stay until the whole team's gone.
No, yes, of course.
It's just, it's my mum's 50th birthday-- Oh.
And what position does your mum play on the team again? It's okay, Will.
Tell your mom a happy birthday from all of us, and if she ever wants to try out for the team, she's more than welcome.
You gotta stay on 'em.
Pressure makes pearls, right? Wait, that's wrong.
It's diamonds-- Shit! I messed it up.
No, you didn't mess it up.
You were just-- - Unlucky.
- Yes! Thanks.
That's odd.
We just received a giant food delivery from our rivals over at Brentford F.
That's nice.
What kind of food? Thai.
Oh, now I get it.
- Howdy, y'all.
- Ted! What do you say to a cocktail, Coach Lasso? Oh, the same thing I'd say to Diane Sawyer if she ever asked me out on a date: "Yes, please.
" Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
How you feeling? Well, Keeley, I feel like a bigger loser than the biggest loser from The Biggest Loser.
Oh, look on the bright side, Ted.
We are still undefeated.
Okay, sure.
Thank you.
How's Dani doing? Oh, he's a little shell-shocked, but Dani's a lot like an expensive tape measure.
- He snaps back real quick.
- Yeah.
What about Earl's owner? He doing all right? - Yeah, fortunately he is.
- Oh, good.
Yes, and you're now looking at the very new, very generous, very guilt-riddled benefactor of Richmond's largest dog shelter.
Barkingham Palace.
It's a good name.
- To Earl.
- To Earl.
To Earl.
Okay, I should go.
I promised the boys we'd watch Empire Strikes Back tonight, and I have to get my thoughts together for when they ask about Luke and Leia making out.
- Oh, right.
- Wish me luck.
Good luck, Higgins.
Bye, Leslie.
- Hey.
May the force be with you.
- And also with you.
All right.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, is that him? - Yes, yes, yes.
- Come on! Oh, good! Okay.
Hey, him who? - And? - Well, I mean… - Okay, but? - Oh, no.
- Good, I'm proud of you.
- Thanks.
Am I allowed to speak yet? Oh, sorry, Ted.
It's just a little bit of girl talk about a gentleman suitor I've gone out with a few times.
A little girl talk.
I get it.
What's his name-- Are you guys up for a double date next week? Let him prove his mettle.
- Abso-fucking-lutely.
- Can you ask Roy if he's free? - He's free.
Don't worry.
- Okay, cool.
Hey, did Roy come to the game today? Oh, no, he didn't.
Sorry, Ted.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I'm sure he'll swing by at some point, right? Hey, he knows he's always got a ticket waiting for him at will call, yeah? - Yeah.
- Good, okay.
And don't forget, I don't put it under his name.
I don't want folks messing with him.
It's under an alias.
Like, last week it was Loretta Lynn, this week was Dolly Parton, and next week is, if I remember correctly, Shania Twain.
Just brilliant.
And it's nothing personal.
It's just that he's been so busy with this new coaching gig.
You listen to me! You play like that next week, you can kiss the trophy goodbye, 'cause today, you all played like a bunch of little pricks! You hear me? Yes, Coach! Except for Kokoruda.
Way to put your body on the line out there.
You know it, Coach.
All right, Monika's mum brought orange slices.
Don't eat the peels, you animals.
Off you go.
- Keeley! - Hey, Phoebs! Coach Kent.
They're eight years old.
- You can't call them little pricks.
- Sorry, Ms.
Even when they're being little pricks.
See you on Monday at school, girls.
- Bye, Ms.
- Hey, babe.
Bye, Ms.
- All right, who wants some hot chocolate? - Me! - I do.
- Yeah, let's go! Oh! Before I forget, Rebecca wanted to see if we could do some double date action next week.
Fucking hell.
Bad word, Uncle Roy.
You owe me one quid.
Put it on my tab.
- Can you hold this, please? - Course.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
- Fine.
- Thank you.
Phoebe, how was the match today? - Outstanding.
- Yeah? I got a red card for elbowing a girl in her neck.
And I'm very proud.
What? Well, I know that you guys are just gonna smash it next week.
Me too.
So once the season's over, you're gonna have more time to see some friends, right? I see friends all the time.
I know.
You got your yoga mums.
Don't you ever want anything more than sitting in child's pose, getting buzzed on rosé, and gossiping about reality TV with a bunch of women that know nothing about you? No, I love it.
Sky Sports reached out again.
I think it's a good idea.
Last time I did one of your good ideas, I made a fucking fool of myself.
Your retirement press conference was beautiful, Roy.
People loved it.
It got, like, 15 million views.
Wait, so your way of alleviating my embarrassment is to tell me how many millions of people have seen me look like a knob? Good point.
I just wanna go on record saying that I think you'd be an amazing pundit.
I don't wanna be a fucking football pundit, sat on fucking telly in a dumb fucking suit like a know-it-all twat.
It's a shit job for shit people.
I'd rather shit out my own fucking mouth than do that fucking shit.
Got it.
Phoebs, where we at now? £1,236.
And it's déjà vu all over again as Dani Rojas has another injury-time penalty kick to put Richmond in the win column for the first time this season.
If he can get it past this adorable goalkeeper.
Oh, gamesmanship from the keeper.
How will Rojas respond? Football is death! Oh, come in.
Morning, boss.
Oh, hi, Ted.
I haven't seen someone that disappointed to see me since I wore a red baseball cap to a Planned Parenthood fundraiser.
Sorry, Ted.
You're right.
I-- I was just hoping you were Keeley.
That's okay.
I wish I was Keeley three, four times a day.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Let me guess.
You got a fever for the flavor of a little girl talk? Well, shoot, why don't you let me take a crack at it? - Really? - Yeah, why not? Oh.
Okay, what the hell.
So this chap I've been seeing, John.
Stamos? No, his name's John Wingsnight.
- Okay.
- But that's not the point.
Now hold on a second.
His name's John Wingsnight? - Yes.
- Like at a sports bar? Like, "Monday night's wings night down at PJ Flatts," like that? Ted, would you please stop? Rule number one: Even though it's called "girl talk," sometimes it needs to be more like, "Girl, listen.
" Got it.
Learning on the fly here.
Come on.
Hit me.
All right, thank you.
So, John, I mean-- I mean, he's a wonderful man.
- He's very handsome, successful.
- Nice.
- Not shy.
- Is he nice to you? Yes.
Yes, very.
Yeah, he sounds great.
So I'm confused.
Is there a problem here? Well… Actually, I suppose not.
Okay, so rule number two is sometimes girl talk can just be blabbing away about stuff, and nothing has to really change, and no one has to solve anything? Yeah, that's exactly right.
I love it.
Let's keep going.
Right, so… Come.
Hey, sorry I'm late, fellas.
I was helping the boss pick out a nail polish color for her date tonight.
My favorite's the blue, but I think they all kinda rock.
What do guys you think? - What's wrong? - We got a situation, Coach.
He's underselling.
We have a Shakespearean fucking tragedy.
Take it easy, Dani.
Come on, Dani.
One more time, yeah? Have another go.
Come on, Dani.
Come on.
How many has he missed? All of them.
Oh, boy.
Hey, Dani! Come on, son.
Let's take a walk.
We're watching the end of someone's career.
Not now, Jan.
- Sorry, Coach.
- No, no need to apologize.
Dani, what happened between you and Earl, that wasn't your fault, you know.
You suffered an unlikely and tragic coincidence.
Not too dissimilar from those seen throughout Paul Thomas Anderson's 1999 opus, Magnolia.
Is that Tom Cruise with a little, tiny ponytail? No, Dani.
I think you're thinking about The Last Samurai.
He's got a little, tiny ponytail in Magnolia too, Coach.
Oh, thank you, Coach.
My apologies, Dani.
Tom Cruise was rocking a little, tiny ponytail in both those films.
- Okay.
- Point is, it's a tragic occurrence, all right? A one-time thing.
So let's get away from the bad mojo coming off that penalty box and, you know, have some fun.
Let's kick some corners, right? - Right.
- Yeah? Hey, fellas! Line up for Midnight Poutine! Yeah, there we go.
Help you get your feel back.
- All right, Dani.
- Okay, Coach.
Take a deep breath, yeah? I want you to picture the shot.
Be the ball, Dani.
Now kick it.
Oh, boy.
That's all right.
That's all right.
Well, fellas, I am more stumped than Paul Bunyan's local forest, you know th-- That hurt.
Any ideas? If Dani needs motivation, we could always just show him his goddamn paycheck.
I mean, that's a tad aggressive, you know.
But hey, I shouldn't bring an umbrella to a brainstorm, so I appreciate you getting the ball rolling, Nate.
Seems like the first thing we need to do is define the issue, yeah? True that.
I think we already know what it is, don't we, Coach? What you talking about, Willis? Hey, you're not supposed to say that out loud.
Which is why I wrote it down.
"The yips"? What are the yips? Are you kidding me, you two? We don't say the Y-word out loud, you understand? It's like saying Macbeth in a theater, or Voldemort at Hogwarts, or… - Soccer in England.
- Bingo.
But what are the yips? It's when, just out of nowhere, an athlete suddenly can't do the basic fundamentals of their sport.
Yeah, you know, like Chuck Knoblauch's throw to first, or Charles Barkley's golf swing.
You guys know what I mean.
Sometimes being here is like living in a foreign country.
- You ever feel that way? - Yeah.
Ted, what are your thoughts on therapy? General apprehension and a modest Midwestern skepticism.
Why do you ask? Well, maybe we should bring in a sports psychologist.
I know a lot of other clubs have had tremendous success with that.
It's not a bad idea, Coach.
Yeah, hold on.
Let me think here.
Let me get my thinking thing on, okay.
Yeah, let's do it.
And now, we're nose-to-nose with one another, and half of me is thinking, "Just kick this jerk in the balls and when he bends over, give him a knee to the nose and be done with it, 'cause screw this guy.
" And the other half of me is thinking, "But it's Martin Short.
You love Martin Short.
" Well, the next thing you know, this tiny American woman says, "Is that it?" And sure enough, there it was, wedged between the couch cushions, - Martin Short's wallet.
- Martin Short's wallet.
I mean, he didn't steal it.
- No! - Wow, that's insane.
That's madness.
Could I get another one, please? God, I never knew that meet and greets at Broadway shows could be such hotbeds for, like, almost violence.
Oh, big-time.
But who cares about Martin Short when you're sitting next to "He's here, he's there, he's every-fucking-where, Roy Kent," - Roy Kent! - John's football-mad.
Oh, terrific.
Who do you support? Well, I bounce back and forward between United and City.
Whichever club's winning, typically.
- I love it.
- Sounds like it.
So, how's retirement, Roy? I mean, I can't imagine how different your life must be now.
You must miss it all like mad, yeah? I don't.
So what are you doing now then? Oh, you know, busy, busy.
I'm actually doing a bit of coaching at the moment.
- I hadn't heard that.
- Yeah.
We got a cup final next week.
In October… W-What cup's that? West London under-nine girls.
Can I get another one, please? He's actually had an offer from Sky Sports to be a pundit.
Oh, of course you have.
You'd be amazing at that job.
I love that idea.
I couldn't agree more.
Can I just say that your retirement speech was amazing.
It's the first time my father's forwarded me an e-mail in the last five years that wasn't about the scourge of immigration.
And that really meant a lot to me, so thank you.
It must've been super weird afterwards though, right? I'm gonna need two more of these, please.
Here you go, gentlemen.
- Thank you, Mae.
- Thanks, Mae.
Shame what happened to Earl.
Him and his owner, Nigel, used to come in here all the time, till he started shitting and pissing all over the place.
Nah, that's pretty common with older dogs.
No, I'm talking about Nigel.
- To Earl.
- He was a good boy.
Hey, Coach, can I get real a second? Forget my meal a second? Put down your beer and tell your buddy how you feel a second? - Yeah.
- Sure.
Look, I'm all for whatever it takes to help Dani get back to being a hundred.
But this whole idea of bringing in someone from the outside to help us get him there, I don't know, it just kinda puts a little knot in my belly.
I'm not sure why.
Sounds like it might be your favorite Gin Blossoms song.
- "Follow You Down"? - No, "Hey Jealousy.
" No, "Hey Jealousy" is their best song.
My favorite song of theirs is "Follow You Down.
" You don't know that story? Doesn't matter, but to your point, you know, I thought it might've been that green-eyed monster too, but you know, I think there's a part of me that just doesn't-- I don't know… trust therapists? And how come? Well, when Michelle and I did couple's therapy, it was with this therapist she'd been going to for a while, and… I just kinda felt like I was being set up, you know.
Like I was going in there not to be listened to, but rather just to hear about all the things I'd been doing wrong.
And that's the only time you've ever seen a therapist? Oh, yeah.
Do you remember what you said when I got dumped by that cruise ship dancer and swore I would never date another dancer again? "Can I have your tap shoes?" "All people are different people.
" I said that? That's pretty good.
- You went out with another dancer though? - Many.
Too many.
Sorry if I was prattling on too much this evening.
You were as charming as ever.
You sure you don't wanna come back to mine? Got an early morning, remember? Right.
Yeah, well, let me know if I passed the test.
- Lunch later this week? - Perfect.
Thank you.
- See ya.
- Bye.
- Well? - I think he's a really good match.
I mean, he's age-appropriate, financially appropriate.
He's not shy.
- I love that about him.
- Totally.
Fucking hell.
Is there a problem? Tell the truth.
He's fine.
That's it.
Nothing wrong with that, most people are fine.
But it's not about him.
It's about why the fuck you think he deserves you.
You deserve someone who makes you feel like you've been struck by lightning.
Don't you dare settle for fine.
Not that it's any of my business.
435, 436, 437, 438, 439, 440-- Higgins, look alive! Nuts.
I just wanted to introduce you to Dr.
Sharon Fieldstone.
She's gonna be looking after Dani.
This is Nathan, Coach Beard, and Ted Lasso.
Oh, you don't need to stand.
But it makes it a lot easier to do this.
It's nice to meet you It's nice to meet you Consider this song Our way to greet you Hey! So I understand that Dani has developed a case of the yips? Hey! Okay, that's two weird things in a row.
What's going on? Well, Doc, we don't like using that word around here.
Why? How do I… Why y'all looking at me? He's the one that knows everyth-- Oh, okay, all right.
Well, Doc-- Doctor.
Right, yes, of course.
It's a superstition.
I see.
Well, the yips… are not a superstition.
They are a mental condition, one that can be fixed with discipline, not denial.
So, then, you're pretty confident that you can help us out with Dani? Are you good at your job? I mean… Don't worry about them.
Put all bullshit humility aside and be honest with me.
Are you good at your job? Yes or no? Yes.
I believe you.
Well, as good as you are at your job, I'm twice as good at mine.
- We're very lucky to have you.
- Thank you very much.
- That's good to know.
- Thank you for coming here.
Right, so where should I be conducting my sessions? Why don't I set you up in my office, all right? Great.
Nice meeting all of you and sorry to have interrupted your game.
What's your record? Oh, 1,236.
She seems fun.
You're sure you're okay, me using your office? Not just being polite? I-- It's probably a bit of both, but I insist.
- Thank you, Mr.
- No problem.
Hey, Doc… tor.
This right here, this is Dani Rojas.
Dani, this is Dr.
Sharon Fieldstone.
Nice to meet you, Dani.
How you feeling? Like a murderer.
You're all right.
Want me to stick around, help you break the ice with Dani here? I think we'll be all right, Coach Lasso.
Thank you.
- You okay? - Oh, yeah.
This is gonna be perfect.
And remember, this is when tickets to Stomp were tough to get.
Anyway, this tall redhead pushes in front of me, so I tap him on the shoulder, he turns around and goes, "Is there a problem?" I go, "Yeah, there's a problem.
" He goes, "It's all right.
It's all right.
I know the choreographer.
" Guess who it was… Is everything okay, Rebecca? It's j-- Dating is so odd, isn't it? - Yeah.
- I mean, we are all strangers essentially.
So I mean, how is it ever possible to truly feel safe with someone? I suppose you can't.
You know, my friend, Flo, once told me that intimacy was all about leaving yourself open to being attacked.
- Oh.
- Isn't that horrible? I've not heard that one.
But I mean, it does make you realize how scary it is, allowing yourself to be intimate again.
I mean, you really do have to be brave.
And that's it right there, isn't it? I need to be brave enough to let someone… wonderful love me, without fear of being hurt and without fear of being… safe.
Sorry… Are you breaking up with me? I'm so sorry.
I-- I actually didn't know I was - going to do that-- - No, no, it's-- it's all right.
Coffees are on me.
Yeah, fair enough.
Dani Rojas, Rojas.
Dani Rojas.
Hello, my beautiful coaches.
May I join the drill? Sure thing, Dani, yeah.
But hey, you take this at your own pace, okay? You got it, Coach.
Did she not wave back? - Oh, I don't think she saw me.
- She saw you.
Hey, all right! Hey, they got a whole bunch of new emojis on here.
You see this? Do you remember when they added Groucho but no Harpo? It's bullshit.
Good night, coaches, and thank you for Dr.
She's incredible.
No problem, Dani.
Just glad you're feeling better.
Yeah, but hold on a sec.
I'm just curious.
What did she-- I mean, what ended up helping you? Dr.
Sharon helped me remember that even though football is life, football is also death.
And that football is football too.
But mostly that football is life! Yeah.
Yeah, well, there you have it.
You know what, I'm gonna go upstairs, thank the good doc before she splits.
It's the least you can do.
Hey, Higgins.
Doc still here? Oh, wait, Ted.
She's in a session.
A session? With who? - Thank you, Sharon.
For real.
- You're welcome.
She's amazing.
- Thierry? - Oh, yes.
A few of the boys asked to sit down with Dr.
Fieldstone before she left.
I don't see the harm, right? No, that-- That's great.
- Hi.
- Hey, gorgeous.
What's going on? I feel like a little shit.
I used our fun night out together to try and change your mind about something you don't wanna do.
That was tacky, and I'm really sorry for it.
You're very sweet.
Thank you.
I'm leaving work right now.
I can stop by Waitrose, pick up a bottle of wine, bring it over? Waitrose, is it? Who am I talking to, the fucking queen? I'd love to, but… Oh, fuck! Yeah, it's yoga mums night.
Yeah, but you can beg for forgiveness later.
I can swing by and wake you up.
Hurry up.
It's about to start.
I'll be awake.
Have fun, yeah? Bye, babe.
Let's fucking do this.
Who will be eliminated this week on the UK's number one show, Lust Conquers All? Will it be Grimsby's top makeup counter associate, Ellie? Can't vote me off, yeah? I'm the one who makes your lips tick.
Oh, shut up, you slag.
Come on.
She's hilarious.
Or will it be the footballing tart, Jamie? You can't get rid of me.
I'm the island's top scorer.
God, I love him.
Oh, same.
- Jesus.
- Top up my rosé please, Janice? …pharmacist from Borehamwood? - Or Clara, Bournemouth's scandalous… - Cheers.

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