Ted Lasso (2020) s02e02 Episode Script
Lavender
The audience at home has voted.
Danthony, Jamie.
One of you will go home tonight.
The other will continue his lustful journey.
Better call your nan, mate.
Tell her to put the kettle on.
Jamie.
The lust stops here.
I'm sorry.
Whoo-hoo! Yes! What? - Thank you.
Oy, thank you! - Wow.
- It's bull.
- Thank you! That is an absolute shocker.
Unlucky, really.
Yeah, but we are lucky to have with us, here in the studio, loser, Jamie.
Easy, Phillip.
I'm not just a loser, I'm the loser.
Well, Jamie, look, first things first, will you keep your promise to Amy? - Are you gonna wait for her? - Nah, no.
I was just playing a game, do you know what I mean? Find the fittest girl there, have sex with her in the toilet, ask her to marry ya.
Strategy.
Well, speaking of strategy, you decided to leave your club, Man City, right at the start of their season.
So why? Just something I had to do, do you know what I mean? The second that I found out that George Harrison had died, I realized that I had to stop waiting for life to begin.
Start taking chances.
Living life to the fullest.
But George Harrison died 20 years ago.
Yeah, but I only just found out.
So what's next for Jamie Tartt? Don't know.
Back to Man City.
If Pep will have me, that is.
It's funny you mention that 'cause we've got a clip.
You might find this quite interesting.
Any thoughts on Jamie Tartt and his future with Manchester City? Yes, Jamie.
You know, my wife and I thought he and Amy were meant for each other.
But no, he won't be coming back to Man City.
We wish him luck.
Well, thanks for stopping by, Jamie.
Good to see you, as always.
When we come back, have scientists really discovered low-fat custard that doesn't make you sad? Sounds too good to be true.
Hey! Jamie! Jamie! Yeah, yeah.
Of course, yeah.
- Thank you so much⦠- Yeah.
All right, yeah.
- How's it going, yeah? - You all right, bro? - Yeah.
- Sorry you got sacked, man.
It's how the crisp crumbles.
Thanks, man.
Thanks, bruv.
There.
Nah, you good, man.
Yeah, yeah.
Hello, mate.
How you doing? - What's your name? - Stanley.
Stanley.
And you like football, yeah? - Thank you, Jamie.
- All right.
No worries, man.
Yeah.
All right, see ya later.
Nice to meet ya.
I actually think I'm gonna walk, mate.
Yeah? Nice one.
Hold on.
You slept here last night? Why? Jane and I got in a fight last night, and she threw my keys in the river.
Hey, you two are like Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner, you know? Or Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow.
Or Frank and Actually, you know what? I'm starting to realize that Ol' Blue Eyes might've skewed mercurial.
- Hey, what time is it? - 9:20.
Right.
I'll be back.
No, no, no.
Smell this.
A Parisian bedroom.
Will, a word.
- Yeah, come in.
- You all right? No, I'm not all right.
Did you put lavender-scented fabric softener in the laundry? Yes.
Yes, I did.
My girlfriend loves lavender.
She finds it very calming.
Don't make changes that could throw off a player's headspace.
Sorry, Coach.
Go.
Get out.
We don't want calm athletes.
We want killer athletes.
Even after they shower? Did you sleep here? "Perchance to dream here.
" Thanks for the ride, babe.
Do you wanna pop in? Say hi? - No.
- Okay.
What you got planned today? Nothing till the match later.
I'm going to get the girls to run a 4-4-2 diamond formation 'cause that little Kokoruda girl is a fucking beast in defense.
Then I was going to cook you cordon bleu for dinner.
Nigella says if you butterfly the chicken, it'll be more moist.
I don't know what does it for me more, you mentioning Nigella or using the word "moist.
" Yeah! - Yeah, all right.
This is good.
- What is Ted doing? He's probably homesick.
Closest thing he can find to a Dodge Ram.
- Good luck with the match, yeah? - I appreciate you.
Morning, Ted! Hi, Keeley! Uh-oh, is that big, bad Roy Kent in there? Sorry.
He's in a big rush.
That's okay.
Hey, you know, "mime is money," right? - That looked like fun.
- Oh, yeah.
No, that's a blast.
And it's good for my sciatica too.
The vibrations really help out my butt.
- Wow.
- Hey, look who's here.
Hey.
That's a cool bike.
That's not a bike, that's a transformer.
Yeah, she really is more than meets the eye, ain't she.
Hey, Doc â¦tor Sharon! Good morning.
What's she doing back here, I wonder? Don't we have direct deposit? I thought Higgins hired her for the rest of the season, didn't he? Hey, Higgins.
Did you hire Dr.
Sharon without running it by me first? Yes.
I thought it couldn't hurt.
But I should've asked you first, Ted.
You're absolutely right.
No, I'm dead wrong.
I mean, heck, you're Director of Football Operations.
You gotta be able to make your own decisions.
Still, you should've texted me first.
- That's 100% true.
- No, 1,000% false! I mean, you're a busy man! Whatever path you think is best is gonna be best! Still, next time you have plans, I want you to run 'em by me first.
Okay? - No, I will not.
- Good! Why should you? I ain't your daddy.
Okay, great.
We got ourselves a new member of the team.
That's fine.
I ain't got no Why's it smell like my nana's house in here? Oh, Ted.
- Wait until you hear this shit.
- Do tell, Ricky Bell.
No one wants you.
What you mean no one wants me? I'm Jamie fucking Tartt.
You're too much of a liability.
You act like an asshole and disappear on Man City.
Then you act like an asshole and cheat on Amy with Denise by having Jacuzzi sex.
No one wants you.
What about a team in Spain or Germany? Hello, Real Madrid? Do you want Jamie Tartt? No.
Okay, thank you.
See? You weren't even speaking Spanish.
Maybe it's time for you to focus on your television career.
This is Tracey, your new talent agent.
You have an amazing offer for a new reality show in Ibiza.
How do you feel about taking ecstasy every night for three straight weeks? You gotta help me, man.
Jamie, you know you're like a son to me.
Now you're like a dead son, which means I love you even more.
There's nothing I can do.
Ted Lasso Welcome Wagon has arrived.
Please don't barge in here like that.
I could have been in a session.
Oh, right.
Of course, I'm sorry.
- Can I help you with something? - Well, yeah.
No, I I brought you a little somethin' somethin' for your first day at work.
- No, thank you.
- Come on, now.
Just try a little bite, huh? There you go.
That's very thoughtful, Coach Lasso.
But I don't eat sugar.
Really? Wow.
I've never met someone who doesn't eat sugar.
Only heard about 'em, and they all live in this godless place called Santa Monica.
Trust me, it's in everyone's best interest.
In a past life, I would inhale a Cadbury's Flake, talk nonsense for an hour until I passed out.
- I'm the same way with video games.
- How so? You know, it's just something in my life that I really enjoy.
But then I pretend that preventing myself from having 'em is somehow making my life better.
But in reality, all I'm doing is depriving myself of something that makes me happy, instead of attempting to adjust my relationship to it.
Hey, what's your favorite book? This is interesting.
What is? That my answer's The Fountainhead? I know, curveball, right? I can explain No, what you're doing here.
This is obviously your way of connecting with new people.
Makes sense.
It's very disarming.
If it's okay with you, Coach Lasso, I'd like to observe training today.
See how everything's functioning.
Yeah, no, of course.
Yeah, you got a backstage pass.
Full access.
Thank you.
Okay.
Oh, hey, you know what I And I will let you know what the people from Dubai Air say.
All right, you got any questions for me? Is it tacky to say I'm rich on an online dating profile? Only if you put the word "filthy" in front of it.
Sorry, sorry.
Higgins, it's very kind that you gave your office to Sharon.
Yes, it's very club-first mentality, Leslie, but you really should have an office, preferably your own.
No, you're absolutely right.
It's just very hard to kick an employee out of their workplace home.
It's only temporary.
What about⦠Caroline in ad sales? No, she's going through a breakup.
Plus, she's right next door to Laughing Liam.
Lovely man, but⦠Hey, Higgins.
Who's your new friend here? Oh, hi, Robert.
My name's Ted.
Yep.
Hey, my name's Jimmy.
Jimmy Paper? Page! I goofed that.
I'm sorry, that was a great one.
Dang it.
Hey, boss.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
What's this? I tried to give your biscuits to Dr.
Sharon.
- You did what? - Evidently she doesn't eat sugar.
- What a fucking asshole.
- Yeah.
You ever been to a therapist, Rebecca? What for? I can diagnose myself in a heartbeat.
I thought being invulnerable would protect me, so I pushed people away for years, leading me directly to my greatest fear: Being alone.
Big whoop.
Big whoop, yeah.
I don't get it.
Why pay someone to do what a friend should do for you for free? Exactly.
I mean, that's why you have friends, isn't it? To burden them with your issues and anxieties, right? Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Speaking of, you got anything you wanna get off your chest? No.
You? No.
- See, there you have it.
- Exactly.
Yeah, okay.
See you later, boss.
- There you go, Keeley.
- Thanks, Alex.
Jamie? I'm not stalking ya.
I've been following you for a few blocks now, and I couldn't text you 'cause I deleted your number.
So, I was in town, and I wanted to talk to you 'cause I left Man City to do this reality TV show thing, and I got kicked off of both.
So now I don't know what I'm doing, but I just wanted to talk to someone about it 'cause And whenever I think of talking, I think of you⦠So I've been following you for the last few blocks.
No, I'm lying.
I've been following you for your whole lunch hour.
But I've just been trying to build up the courage to say hi.
So⦠hi.
Is that okay? You deleted my number? Yeah.
You all played a hell of a game.
But you lost.
I want you to remember this feeling.
Burn this moment into your brains.
Good.
Is it time for trophies, Uncle Roy? Yeah, yeah.
Emily's mom bought everyone consolation trophies.
Must be nice to just burn cash.
"Best dressed"? That's stupid.
You're all wearing the same thing.
You.
Right, you know what? Just get amongst it.
Enjoy your trophies for winning nothing.
Coach Kent.
Look, when I was young, you got shouted at for losing.
Same.
But then, tough love never bothered me.
As long as I knew the coach gave a shit.
Oy! It has been an honor coaching all of you.
I do hope you'll come back and play next year.
But only if you fucking mean it.
Well, we lost.
Would have been closer, but one of the goals got disallowed because apparently nine-year-olds aren't allowed to do headers yet.
Fucking brain development.
Keeley? - What you doing there? - Nothing.
Why'd you throw your phone? I thought that you were an intruder, and I didn't want you to steal it.
So you threw it over there? Yeah.
Were you having a wank? Show me.
No, that's okay.
Babe, come on.
Don't be embarrassed.
Whatever it is, it's fine.
I like watching couples have sex in the woods.
You do? Why? 'Cause I could never be that free.
Come on, let me see.
I should know what gets you going.
I am announcing⦠My retirement⦠From The fuck? This is your kink? Me being pathetic? You're not being pathetic.
You're being passionate and vulnerable.
God, it's fucking hot, and you haven't been like that since you left football.
At my age with a fucked knee, I don't get to be a football player.
- That's how it works.
- Then why not just try the pundit gig? Oh, my God.
I know it's fucking stupid.
But you'd be back around the game again.
You miss it, Roy.
I know you do.
You're just like Jamie.
I didn't think this conversation could get any worse.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, I saw him today.
He wants to come back and play for Richmond.
He's so lost, Roy.
Just like you.
But at least he's tryin' to find his way back.
See? Pathetic.
No, it's not pathetic.
It's brave.
Oy, I get it.
Can't get hurt if you don't try.
But if you don't try, then I'm just gonna have to sit here wanking to videos of you crying.
Fine.
I will try it once.
But when it sucks and I hate it, I'm gonna hire a bunch of children to follow you around and scream, "Told you so, told you so" for centuries.
I look forward to the attention.
What'd you tell the prince prick of all pricks about going back to Richmond? I told him he was talking to the wrong person.
I named him Ted.
After Ted Danson.
All-time great.
You know, from Cheers to Curb to The Good Place.
What a career.
I mean, he's basically the male version of Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Who's like the female version of Dave Grohl.
Yeah.
All three of them got that Midas touch, don't they? Nice to see ya, Jamie.
Take a seat.
How ya been? Awesome.
- Yeah? - The best.
Pretty good.
Okay, a little depressed.
Yeah.
It's all shit, Ted.
That's a real roller coaster there.
Glad I was tall enough to join you on that ride.
Anything I can help you with? So I was talking to Keeley, and I was just wondering, like, what the chances were of me coming back to play for you at Richmond? I don't know, Jamie, you burned a lot of bridges over there.
Look, Coach, I need Richmond.
And Richmond needs you.
- Thank you, Mae.
- Cheers.
Actually, Mae, would you be a darling and ask those lads at the end of the bar to stop staring at me, please? Oy, you three, fuck off.
- Oh, yeah, course, Mae.
- Sorry! Fucking off now.
Old people are so wise.
They're like tall Yodas.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Jamie, let me ask you something.
Why'd you do that reality show? You know, you were getting good minutes up at City.
I don't know, just thought it'd be fun.
Help boost me brand.
Did it to piss off me dad.
He was just on me after every match.
How I played, how many minutes I played, how I sat on the bench when I didn't play.
Just drove me fucking mad.
He can be a bit⦠Yeah.
You know, I've noticed that sometimes having a tough dad is exactly what drives certain fellas to become great at what they do.
You know, I hear Bono's father was a real piece of work.
But then again, so was Joshua Tree, so you know⦠What about you? Was your old man like that? No.
No, my father was a lot harder on himself than he ever was on me.
You're lucky.
So what do you say then, Coach? Jamie, you're an amazing player.
But I don't think it's a good idea.
Yeah.
Right, now get one where it looks like they're sitting in my hand.
That's some bullshit.
- Bloody hell.
- Wait, that was last night? What are you all fussing over? Looks like Jamie's coming back to Richmond.
It looks like they're sitting on his hand.
Get fucking stuck in! Just throw it here! Somebody order training extra spicy today? Yeah, it's got that Nando's peri-peri sauce on it, huh? What the fuck was that? What the fuck you waiting for? How come every time I look back there it's like she's getting closer and closer? - Thank you, Will.
- That's all right.
Optical illusion induced by your mistrust of her profession? Metaphor, huh? Bingo, Ringo.
Is there Is there pineapple in this? Jesus Christ.
I'm with Ted.
We've been overrun by incompetent outsiders.
I don't think I said that, did I? - Not to me.
It was him.
- Yeah.
Come on now.
She's definitely getting closer.
- Yes! - Yeah, do it! Now, look at that.
Hey, Nate.
- Hit me two times, will ya? - Yeah.
Hey, Sam! Hold up! Hey! Look, baby, when you make that pass, you gotta put some grass under it.
Make Dani chase it down like it's a loose toddler in a busy parking lot.
You think you can do better? Come here and do it then.
Oy! Easy, bruv.
No, no, no.
That's okay.
Sam's right.
There ain't nothing going on out here on this field that I can do better than any of y'all.
Unless you break into a game of "finish that Jimmy Buffett lyric.
" Then I'll be changing your latitudes and attitudes left, right and center.
You Hey, Sam.
- I'm just tryin' to help the team here.
- Bullshit.
Okay.
I'm gonna see what that's all about here real quick.
He's not normally like this, you know, so⦠I guess Sam doesn't like Jimmy Buffett.
Who's Jimmy Buffett? Really? Hey.
Sam! Slow down.
Hey, you got something you wanna talk about? No.
Really? It seems like you got something on your mind.
Something like, "I'm angry about a mysterious thing so I'm gonna do some cussing now.
" I mean, I am angry.
And I did cuss, and every time I do, I regret it.
'Cause people say cuss words when they don't know the right ones to use to express themselves.
Except Bernie Mac.
He uses them like van Gogh uses yellow.
You know, effectively.
- Come on, talk to me.
- I can't believe you're bringing Jamie - back to the team.
- What? I saw the picture of you and him on Twitter.
Oh, Sam, there's a bunch of crazy stuff on Twitter.
Heck, someone made an account for my mustache.
How many locker room punch-ups have we had since Jamie's been gone? - None.
- None.
Have we won yet? No, but we will.
I believe that.
Don't you? Just because Jamie can score goals doesn't mean he deserves to be here.
No teammate has ever made me feel as bad about myself as Jamie did.
- Sam, I understand your anger towards him.
- It's not him.
I'm mad at you.
You didn't even talk to us about it.
Honestly, Sam, I didn't think there was anything to talk about.
I told Jamie it wasn't gonna happen.
- Now I feel awkward.
- I bet.
Did everybody see me when I stomped off No, no one saw that.
Yeah, man! Everyone saw that.
Come on.
Of course they did.
Coach, I'm so sorry.
It's okay, Sam, all right? You are a leader on this team.
I want you to speak your mind.
Thank you.
You know, my father says every time he sees you on TV, he's very happy that I am here.
That I'm in safe hands with you.
Well, that means a lot.
I appreciate that.
You know I still gotta make you run a bunch of laps, right? - I was hoping you would.
- Okay.
Get going.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
- Very well handled, Ted.
- Gee⦠Thank you, Higgins.
What are you doing? Sorry.
What do you usually do with your lashes? I leave them the fuck alone.
'Scuse me.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I wanted to see how it was going.
Jamie Carragher sent me flowers.
We fucking despised each other when we played, now he's sending me flowers.
How the fuck does he know I love white orchids? Babe, it's only natural to be a bit nervous.
I'm not nervous.
There's nothing scary about this.
There's no defense in TV.
Well, what is it then? It's just What if What if everyone thinks I'm shit? Since when do you care what people think? You're Roy fucking Kent.
Ready for Mr.
Kent.
I gotta go.
Thank you.
Kill 'em.
Roy-o! - Glad to have you on the show, Roy.
- Whatever.
Same old Roy Kent.
Hey, Roy, try not to get too emotional, yeah? And we're on in five seconds.
Four, three, two.
What a match! Manchester United beat Chelsea 1-nil in a result that drops Chelsea out of the European places and lands United in the top three, for now.
Chris, was this a case where United won the match or that Chelsea lost it? United just had that extra sharpness in the final third, but I thought both teams played really well.
- George? - A real even battle.
You know, it's football at its finest.
Roy Kent, ex-Chelsea legend joins us.
Welcome, Roy.
Right, what did you think? Did your former club play well? No.
I thought they played like shit.
Our apologies to the viewing audience.
Roy Kent with some salty language.
Would you care to elaborate, Roy? All right.
Chelsea was shit today.
They were shocking.
Watching them, you'd never know they were playing at home.
They were too timid.
They were too respectful of United.
They were lucky they didn't lose by three or four or ten.
That's harsh, Roy.
United's been on a good run recently.
Who gives a shit, Chris? That's no excuse to play like you're afraid of 'em.
You could see it in their faces: abject terror.
Like children waiting in line for the handsy Father Christmas.
Have some fucking pride in your shirt or don't fucking wear it.
Roy Kent, you fucking legend! - I mean, that is how you do it! - I enjoy his candor.
Again, we apologize for almost every word Roy just said.
Higgins, as a founding member of the Diamond Dogs, it breaks our little bowwow hearts to see you wandering around this building.
A man without a desk.
So we'd like to ask you to move in with us down here with my man, Nate.
What do you say? That would be perfect.
I mean, only if it's okay with Nathan.
Yeah, of course.
Roomies! Oops, sorry.
Now, before y'all bounce, I do have one piece of football business we need to discuss.
And that is Jamie Tartt's future with this team.
- I thought that was settled.
- Well, I did too.
Then I was talking to Sam, and he unsettled it.
- Sam wants Jamie back? - No, no.
Sam just reminded me that he himself has got a great dad.
Not everyone has that.
And isn't the idea of "never give up" one of them things we always talk about in sports? And shouldn't that apply to people too? Two aces is very tempting.
Could be exactly what we need.
But it could also ruin morale to have someone in here just belittling everyone all the ti Will! Will! Not beneath the lockers.
On the bench, man.
Come on.
Sorry.
What a doughnut.
What was I saying? - What about you, Coach? - Pro: He's a great player.
Con: He's a poop in the punch bowl.
All right, Diamond Dogs, as canines, we are supposed to lack opposable digits.
But right now I'm gonna ask you: thumbs up or thumbs down? Okay.
Okay.
Hi.
How'd it go? Come on, babe.
Say something.
What, you just gonna pretend like you hated it? You were amazing.
- Shit, you really did hate it.
- May I have your phone? Roy, I'm really sorry.
It's just that I mean, not that it matters But everyone over there, they loved you.
And Twitter was going cuckoo for Coco Pops.
But you don't ever have to do it again if you don't want to, so⦠Here.
Felt good to be back around the game.
Oh, good.
What are you doing? You helped me to help myself.
Again.
So I wanted to thank you properly.
Hit play.
I am announcing⦠My retirement⦠From Hey, there she is.
Good night, Coach Lasso.
And thank you for letting me observe training today.
Some coaches get quite conspiratorial at the notion.
Well, I didn't know I had a choice.
I'm just goofing.
Besides, most of my conspiracies revolve around the Freemasons on account of a couple different Disney cartoons I watched a bunch as a kid.
I'll email you and your staff my takeaways when I get home.
Well, hey.
Come on.
Let 'er rip right now.
Reading that email will be like listening to a cover tune of your thoughts.
Rather hear this tune for the first time from the original artist.
- Well, if you insist.
- I do.
There's a wonderful atmosphere here.
All the employees are thoughtful and kind, and they actually listen to one another.
Yeah, I've noticed the same thing.
Well, hey, let me ask you this now.
You think we got ourselves a "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" situation here or what? That depends.
Does everyone agree that being winless with eight straight draws "ain't broke"? Yeah.
Heavy is the head that wears the visor, Coach Lasso.
You must have a lot on your mind.
I hope we get a chance to sit down and talk about it all someday.
Yeah.
No, I look forward to that.
All right.
Good night, Docâ¦tor! Doctor.
Sorry.
You can call me Doc.
It's okay.
Oh, thank God.
I mean, that's been killing me.
You saw it, you know.
It's just such a good nickname.
Prince of Tides.
Is that your nickname for me now? No, Coach Lasso.
My favorite book.
The people at Dubai Air have asked specifically for Sam.
There's a photo shoot set up for Friday.
Good for him.
That young man deserves some recognition.
Yeah.
Hello.
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm Sharon Fieldstone.
Yes.
Oh, it is lovely to meet you, Dr.
Fieldstone.
- Please, call me Sharon.
Hi.
- Hi! Lovely to meet you.
I just wanted to stop by and thank you for the lovely gift basket of bottled water.
Yes, well, Ted said you didn't eat sugar.
So many other things don't have sugar in them.
I really am glad that you're joining us.
I hope that you'll be just the boost we need to get things going around here.
Wouldn't you say, Higgins? Leslie? Sorry, I was justâ¦
Danthony, Jamie.
One of you will go home tonight.
The other will continue his lustful journey.
Better call your nan, mate.
Tell her to put the kettle on.
Jamie.
The lust stops here.
I'm sorry.
Whoo-hoo! Yes! What? - Thank you.
Oy, thank you! - Wow.
- It's bull.
- Thank you! That is an absolute shocker.
Unlucky, really.
Yeah, but we are lucky to have with us, here in the studio, loser, Jamie.
Easy, Phillip.
I'm not just a loser, I'm the loser.
Well, Jamie, look, first things first, will you keep your promise to Amy? - Are you gonna wait for her? - Nah, no.
I was just playing a game, do you know what I mean? Find the fittest girl there, have sex with her in the toilet, ask her to marry ya.
Strategy.
Well, speaking of strategy, you decided to leave your club, Man City, right at the start of their season.
So why? Just something I had to do, do you know what I mean? The second that I found out that George Harrison had died, I realized that I had to stop waiting for life to begin.
Start taking chances.
Living life to the fullest.
But George Harrison died 20 years ago.
Yeah, but I only just found out.
So what's next for Jamie Tartt? Don't know.
Back to Man City.
If Pep will have me, that is.
It's funny you mention that 'cause we've got a clip.
You might find this quite interesting.
Any thoughts on Jamie Tartt and his future with Manchester City? Yes, Jamie.
You know, my wife and I thought he and Amy were meant for each other.
But no, he won't be coming back to Man City.
We wish him luck.
Well, thanks for stopping by, Jamie.
Good to see you, as always.
When we come back, have scientists really discovered low-fat custard that doesn't make you sad? Sounds too good to be true.
Hey! Jamie! Jamie! Yeah, yeah.
Of course, yeah.
- Thank you so much⦠- Yeah.
All right, yeah.
- How's it going, yeah? - You all right, bro? - Yeah.
- Sorry you got sacked, man.
It's how the crisp crumbles.
Thanks, man.
Thanks, bruv.
There.
Nah, you good, man.
Yeah, yeah.
Hello, mate.
How you doing? - What's your name? - Stanley.
Stanley.
And you like football, yeah? - Thank you, Jamie.
- All right.
No worries, man.
Yeah.
All right, see ya later.
Nice to meet ya.
I actually think I'm gonna walk, mate.
Yeah? Nice one.
Hold on.
You slept here last night? Why? Jane and I got in a fight last night, and she threw my keys in the river.
Hey, you two are like Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner, you know? Or Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow.
Or Frank and Actually, you know what? I'm starting to realize that Ol' Blue Eyes might've skewed mercurial.
- Hey, what time is it? - 9:20.
Right.
I'll be back.
No, no, no.
Smell this.
A Parisian bedroom.
Will, a word.
- Yeah, come in.
- You all right? No, I'm not all right.
Did you put lavender-scented fabric softener in the laundry? Yes.
Yes, I did.
My girlfriend loves lavender.
She finds it very calming.
Don't make changes that could throw off a player's headspace.
Sorry, Coach.
Go.
Get out.
We don't want calm athletes.
We want killer athletes.
Even after they shower? Did you sleep here? "Perchance to dream here.
" Thanks for the ride, babe.
Do you wanna pop in? Say hi? - No.
- Okay.
What you got planned today? Nothing till the match later.
I'm going to get the girls to run a 4-4-2 diamond formation 'cause that little Kokoruda girl is a fucking beast in defense.
Then I was going to cook you cordon bleu for dinner.
Nigella says if you butterfly the chicken, it'll be more moist.
I don't know what does it for me more, you mentioning Nigella or using the word "moist.
" Yeah! - Yeah, all right.
This is good.
- What is Ted doing? He's probably homesick.
Closest thing he can find to a Dodge Ram.
- Good luck with the match, yeah? - I appreciate you.
Morning, Ted! Hi, Keeley! Uh-oh, is that big, bad Roy Kent in there? Sorry.
He's in a big rush.
That's okay.
Hey, you know, "mime is money," right? - That looked like fun.
- Oh, yeah.
No, that's a blast.
And it's good for my sciatica too.
The vibrations really help out my butt.
- Wow.
- Hey, look who's here.
Hey.
That's a cool bike.
That's not a bike, that's a transformer.
Yeah, she really is more than meets the eye, ain't she.
Hey, Doc â¦tor Sharon! Good morning.
What's she doing back here, I wonder? Don't we have direct deposit? I thought Higgins hired her for the rest of the season, didn't he? Hey, Higgins.
Did you hire Dr.
Sharon without running it by me first? Yes.
I thought it couldn't hurt.
But I should've asked you first, Ted.
You're absolutely right.
No, I'm dead wrong.
I mean, heck, you're Director of Football Operations.
You gotta be able to make your own decisions.
Still, you should've texted me first.
- That's 100% true.
- No, 1,000% false! I mean, you're a busy man! Whatever path you think is best is gonna be best! Still, next time you have plans, I want you to run 'em by me first.
Okay? - No, I will not.
- Good! Why should you? I ain't your daddy.
Okay, great.
We got ourselves a new member of the team.
That's fine.
I ain't got no Why's it smell like my nana's house in here? Oh, Ted.
- Wait until you hear this shit.
- Do tell, Ricky Bell.
No one wants you.
What you mean no one wants me? I'm Jamie fucking Tartt.
You're too much of a liability.
You act like an asshole and disappear on Man City.
Then you act like an asshole and cheat on Amy with Denise by having Jacuzzi sex.
No one wants you.
What about a team in Spain or Germany? Hello, Real Madrid? Do you want Jamie Tartt? No.
Okay, thank you.
See? You weren't even speaking Spanish.
Maybe it's time for you to focus on your television career.
This is Tracey, your new talent agent.
You have an amazing offer for a new reality show in Ibiza.
How do you feel about taking ecstasy every night for three straight weeks? You gotta help me, man.
Jamie, you know you're like a son to me.
Now you're like a dead son, which means I love you even more.
There's nothing I can do.
Ted Lasso Welcome Wagon has arrived.
Please don't barge in here like that.
I could have been in a session.
Oh, right.
Of course, I'm sorry.
- Can I help you with something? - Well, yeah.
No, I I brought you a little somethin' somethin' for your first day at work.
- No, thank you.
- Come on, now.
Just try a little bite, huh? There you go.
That's very thoughtful, Coach Lasso.
But I don't eat sugar.
Really? Wow.
I've never met someone who doesn't eat sugar.
Only heard about 'em, and they all live in this godless place called Santa Monica.
Trust me, it's in everyone's best interest.
In a past life, I would inhale a Cadbury's Flake, talk nonsense for an hour until I passed out.
- I'm the same way with video games.
- How so? You know, it's just something in my life that I really enjoy.
But then I pretend that preventing myself from having 'em is somehow making my life better.
But in reality, all I'm doing is depriving myself of something that makes me happy, instead of attempting to adjust my relationship to it.
Hey, what's your favorite book? This is interesting.
What is? That my answer's The Fountainhead? I know, curveball, right? I can explain No, what you're doing here.
This is obviously your way of connecting with new people.
Makes sense.
It's very disarming.
If it's okay with you, Coach Lasso, I'd like to observe training today.
See how everything's functioning.
Yeah, no, of course.
Yeah, you got a backstage pass.
Full access.
Thank you.
Okay.
Oh, hey, you know what I And I will let you know what the people from Dubai Air say.
All right, you got any questions for me? Is it tacky to say I'm rich on an online dating profile? Only if you put the word "filthy" in front of it.
Sorry, sorry.
Higgins, it's very kind that you gave your office to Sharon.
Yes, it's very club-first mentality, Leslie, but you really should have an office, preferably your own.
No, you're absolutely right.
It's just very hard to kick an employee out of their workplace home.
It's only temporary.
What about⦠Caroline in ad sales? No, she's going through a breakup.
Plus, she's right next door to Laughing Liam.
Lovely man, but⦠Hey, Higgins.
Who's your new friend here? Oh, hi, Robert.
My name's Ted.
Yep.
Hey, my name's Jimmy.
Jimmy Paper? Page! I goofed that.
I'm sorry, that was a great one.
Dang it.
Hey, boss.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
What's this? I tried to give your biscuits to Dr.
Sharon.
- You did what? - Evidently she doesn't eat sugar.
- What a fucking asshole.
- Yeah.
You ever been to a therapist, Rebecca? What for? I can diagnose myself in a heartbeat.
I thought being invulnerable would protect me, so I pushed people away for years, leading me directly to my greatest fear: Being alone.
Big whoop.
Big whoop, yeah.
I don't get it.
Why pay someone to do what a friend should do for you for free? Exactly.
I mean, that's why you have friends, isn't it? To burden them with your issues and anxieties, right? Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Speaking of, you got anything you wanna get off your chest? No.
You? No.
- See, there you have it.
- Exactly.
Yeah, okay.
See you later, boss.
- There you go, Keeley.
- Thanks, Alex.
Jamie? I'm not stalking ya.
I've been following you for a few blocks now, and I couldn't text you 'cause I deleted your number.
So, I was in town, and I wanted to talk to you 'cause I left Man City to do this reality TV show thing, and I got kicked off of both.
So now I don't know what I'm doing, but I just wanted to talk to someone about it 'cause And whenever I think of talking, I think of you⦠So I've been following you for the last few blocks.
No, I'm lying.
I've been following you for your whole lunch hour.
But I've just been trying to build up the courage to say hi.
So⦠hi.
Is that okay? You deleted my number? Yeah.
You all played a hell of a game.
But you lost.
I want you to remember this feeling.
Burn this moment into your brains.
Good.
Is it time for trophies, Uncle Roy? Yeah, yeah.
Emily's mom bought everyone consolation trophies.
Must be nice to just burn cash.
"Best dressed"? That's stupid.
You're all wearing the same thing.
You.
Right, you know what? Just get amongst it.
Enjoy your trophies for winning nothing.
Coach Kent.
Look, when I was young, you got shouted at for losing.
Same.
But then, tough love never bothered me.
As long as I knew the coach gave a shit.
Oy! It has been an honor coaching all of you.
I do hope you'll come back and play next year.
But only if you fucking mean it.
Well, we lost.
Would have been closer, but one of the goals got disallowed because apparently nine-year-olds aren't allowed to do headers yet.
Fucking brain development.
Keeley? - What you doing there? - Nothing.
Why'd you throw your phone? I thought that you were an intruder, and I didn't want you to steal it.
So you threw it over there? Yeah.
Were you having a wank? Show me.
No, that's okay.
Babe, come on.
Don't be embarrassed.
Whatever it is, it's fine.
I like watching couples have sex in the woods.
You do? Why? 'Cause I could never be that free.
Come on, let me see.
I should know what gets you going.
I am announcing⦠My retirement⦠From The fuck? This is your kink? Me being pathetic? You're not being pathetic.
You're being passionate and vulnerable.
God, it's fucking hot, and you haven't been like that since you left football.
At my age with a fucked knee, I don't get to be a football player.
- That's how it works.
- Then why not just try the pundit gig? Oh, my God.
I know it's fucking stupid.
But you'd be back around the game again.
You miss it, Roy.
I know you do.
You're just like Jamie.
I didn't think this conversation could get any worse.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, I saw him today.
He wants to come back and play for Richmond.
He's so lost, Roy.
Just like you.
But at least he's tryin' to find his way back.
See? Pathetic.
No, it's not pathetic.
It's brave.
Oy, I get it.
Can't get hurt if you don't try.
But if you don't try, then I'm just gonna have to sit here wanking to videos of you crying.
Fine.
I will try it once.
But when it sucks and I hate it, I'm gonna hire a bunch of children to follow you around and scream, "Told you so, told you so" for centuries.
I look forward to the attention.
What'd you tell the prince prick of all pricks about going back to Richmond? I told him he was talking to the wrong person.
I named him Ted.
After Ted Danson.
All-time great.
You know, from Cheers to Curb to The Good Place.
What a career.
I mean, he's basically the male version of Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Who's like the female version of Dave Grohl.
Yeah.
All three of them got that Midas touch, don't they? Nice to see ya, Jamie.
Take a seat.
How ya been? Awesome.
- Yeah? - The best.
Pretty good.
Okay, a little depressed.
Yeah.
It's all shit, Ted.
That's a real roller coaster there.
Glad I was tall enough to join you on that ride.
Anything I can help you with? So I was talking to Keeley, and I was just wondering, like, what the chances were of me coming back to play for you at Richmond? I don't know, Jamie, you burned a lot of bridges over there.
Look, Coach, I need Richmond.
And Richmond needs you.
- Thank you, Mae.
- Cheers.
Actually, Mae, would you be a darling and ask those lads at the end of the bar to stop staring at me, please? Oy, you three, fuck off.
- Oh, yeah, course, Mae.
- Sorry! Fucking off now.
Old people are so wise.
They're like tall Yodas.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Jamie, let me ask you something.
Why'd you do that reality show? You know, you were getting good minutes up at City.
I don't know, just thought it'd be fun.
Help boost me brand.
Did it to piss off me dad.
He was just on me after every match.
How I played, how many minutes I played, how I sat on the bench when I didn't play.
Just drove me fucking mad.
He can be a bit⦠Yeah.
You know, I've noticed that sometimes having a tough dad is exactly what drives certain fellas to become great at what they do.
You know, I hear Bono's father was a real piece of work.
But then again, so was Joshua Tree, so you know⦠What about you? Was your old man like that? No.
No, my father was a lot harder on himself than he ever was on me.
You're lucky.
So what do you say then, Coach? Jamie, you're an amazing player.
But I don't think it's a good idea.
Yeah.
Right, now get one where it looks like they're sitting in my hand.
That's some bullshit.
- Bloody hell.
- Wait, that was last night? What are you all fussing over? Looks like Jamie's coming back to Richmond.
It looks like they're sitting on his hand.
Get fucking stuck in! Just throw it here! Somebody order training extra spicy today? Yeah, it's got that Nando's peri-peri sauce on it, huh? What the fuck was that? What the fuck you waiting for? How come every time I look back there it's like she's getting closer and closer? - Thank you, Will.
- That's all right.
Optical illusion induced by your mistrust of her profession? Metaphor, huh? Bingo, Ringo.
Is there Is there pineapple in this? Jesus Christ.
I'm with Ted.
We've been overrun by incompetent outsiders.
I don't think I said that, did I? - Not to me.
It was him.
- Yeah.
Come on now.
She's definitely getting closer.
- Yes! - Yeah, do it! Now, look at that.
Hey, Nate.
- Hit me two times, will ya? - Yeah.
Hey, Sam! Hold up! Hey! Look, baby, when you make that pass, you gotta put some grass under it.
Make Dani chase it down like it's a loose toddler in a busy parking lot.
You think you can do better? Come here and do it then.
Oy! Easy, bruv.
No, no, no.
That's okay.
Sam's right.
There ain't nothing going on out here on this field that I can do better than any of y'all.
Unless you break into a game of "finish that Jimmy Buffett lyric.
" Then I'll be changing your latitudes and attitudes left, right and center.
You Hey, Sam.
- I'm just tryin' to help the team here.
- Bullshit.
Okay.
I'm gonna see what that's all about here real quick.
He's not normally like this, you know, so⦠I guess Sam doesn't like Jimmy Buffett.
Who's Jimmy Buffett? Really? Hey.
Sam! Slow down.
Hey, you got something you wanna talk about? No.
Really? It seems like you got something on your mind.
Something like, "I'm angry about a mysterious thing so I'm gonna do some cussing now.
" I mean, I am angry.
And I did cuss, and every time I do, I regret it.
'Cause people say cuss words when they don't know the right ones to use to express themselves.
Except Bernie Mac.
He uses them like van Gogh uses yellow.
You know, effectively.
- Come on, talk to me.
- I can't believe you're bringing Jamie - back to the team.
- What? I saw the picture of you and him on Twitter.
Oh, Sam, there's a bunch of crazy stuff on Twitter.
Heck, someone made an account for my mustache.
How many locker room punch-ups have we had since Jamie's been gone? - None.
- None.
Have we won yet? No, but we will.
I believe that.
Don't you? Just because Jamie can score goals doesn't mean he deserves to be here.
No teammate has ever made me feel as bad about myself as Jamie did.
- Sam, I understand your anger towards him.
- It's not him.
I'm mad at you.
You didn't even talk to us about it.
Honestly, Sam, I didn't think there was anything to talk about.
I told Jamie it wasn't gonna happen.
- Now I feel awkward.
- I bet.
Did everybody see me when I stomped off No, no one saw that.
Yeah, man! Everyone saw that.
Come on.
Of course they did.
Coach, I'm so sorry.
It's okay, Sam, all right? You are a leader on this team.
I want you to speak your mind.
Thank you.
You know, my father says every time he sees you on TV, he's very happy that I am here.
That I'm in safe hands with you.
Well, that means a lot.
I appreciate that.
You know I still gotta make you run a bunch of laps, right? - I was hoping you would.
- Okay.
Get going.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
- Very well handled, Ted.
- Gee⦠Thank you, Higgins.
What are you doing? Sorry.
What do you usually do with your lashes? I leave them the fuck alone.
'Scuse me.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I wanted to see how it was going.
Jamie Carragher sent me flowers.
We fucking despised each other when we played, now he's sending me flowers.
How the fuck does he know I love white orchids? Babe, it's only natural to be a bit nervous.
I'm not nervous.
There's nothing scary about this.
There's no defense in TV.
Well, what is it then? It's just What if What if everyone thinks I'm shit? Since when do you care what people think? You're Roy fucking Kent.
Ready for Mr.
Kent.
I gotta go.
Thank you.
Kill 'em.
Roy-o! - Glad to have you on the show, Roy.
- Whatever.
Same old Roy Kent.
Hey, Roy, try not to get too emotional, yeah? And we're on in five seconds.
Four, three, two.
What a match! Manchester United beat Chelsea 1-nil in a result that drops Chelsea out of the European places and lands United in the top three, for now.
Chris, was this a case where United won the match or that Chelsea lost it? United just had that extra sharpness in the final third, but I thought both teams played really well.
- George? - A real even battle.
You know, it's football at its finest.
Roy Kent, ex-Chelsea legend joins us.
Welcome, Roy.
Right, what did you think? Did your former club play well? No.
I thought they played like shit.
Our apologies to the viewing audience.
Roy Kent with some salty language.
Would you care to elaborate, Roy? All right.
Chelsea was shit today.
They were shocking.
Watching them, you'd never know they were playing at home.
They were too timid.
They were too respectful of United.
They were lucky they didn't lose by three or four or ten.
That's harsh, Roy.
United's been on a good run recently.
Who gives a shit, Chris? That's no excuse to play like you're afraid of 'em.
You could see it in their faces: abject terror.
Like children waiting in line for the handsy Father Christmas.
Have some fucking pride in your shirt or don't fucking wear it.
Roy Kent, you fucking legend! - I mean, that is how you do it! - I enjoy his candor.
Again, we apologize for almost every word Roy just said.
Higgins, as a founding member of the Diamond Dogs, it breaks our little bowwow hearts to see you wandering around this building.
A man without a desk.
So we'd like to ask you to move in with us down here with my man, Nate.
What do you say? That would be perfect.
I mean, only if it's okay with Nathan.
Yeah, of course.
Roomies! Oops, sorry.
Now, before y'all bounce, I do have one piece of football business we need to discuss.
And that is Jamie Tartt's future with this team.
- I thought that was settled.
- Well, I did too.
Then I was talking to Sam, and he unsettled it.
- Sam wants Jamie back? - No, no.
Sam just reminded me that he himself has got a great dad.
Not everyone has that.
And isn't the idea of "never give up" one of them things we always talk about in sports? And shouldn't that apply to people too? Two aces is very tempting.
Could be exactly what we need.
But it could also ruin morale to have someone in here just belittling everyone all the ti Will! Will! Not beneath the lockers.
On the bench, man.
Come on.
Sorry.
What a doughnut.
What was I saying? - What about you, Coach? - Pro: He's a great player.
Con: He's a poop in the punch bowl.
All right, Diamond Dogs, as canines, we are supposed to lack opposable digits.
But right now I'm gonna ask you: thumbs up or thumbs down? Okay.
Okay.
Hi.
How'd it go? Come on, babe.
Say something.
What, you just gonna pretend like you hated it? You were amazing.
- Shit, you really did hate it.
- May I have your phone? Roy, I'm really sorry.
It's just that I mean, not that it matters But everyone over there, they loved you.
And Twitter was going cuckoo for Coco Pops.
But you don't ever have to do it again if you don't want to, so⦠Here.
Felt good to be back around the game.
Oh, good.
What are you doing? You helped me to help myself.
Again.
So I wanted to thank you properly.
Hit play.
I am announcing⦠My retirement⦠From Hey, there she is.
Good night, Coach Lasso.
And thank you for letting me observe training today.
Some coaches get quite conspiratorial at the notion.
Well, I didn't know I had a choice.
I'm just goofing.
Besides, most of my conspiracies revolve around the Freemasons on account of a couple different Disney cartoons I watched a bunch as a kid.
I'll email you and your staff my takeaways when I get home.
Well, hey.
Come on.
Let 'er rip right now.
Reading that email will be like listening to a cover tune of your thoughts.
Rather hear this tune for the first time from the original artist.
- Well, if you insist.
- I do.
There's a wonderful atmosphere here.
All the employees are thoughtful and kind, and they actually listen to one another.
Yeah, I've noticed the same thing.
Well, hey, let me ask you this now.
You think we got ourselves a "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" situation here or what? That depends.
Does everyone agree that being winless with eight straight draws "ain't broke"? Yeah.
Heavy is the head that wears the visor, Coach Lasso.
You must have a lot on your mind.
I hope we get a chance to sit down and talk about it all someday.
Yeah.
No, I look forward to that.
All right.
Good night, Docâ¦tor! Doctor.
Sorry.
You can call me Doc.
It's okay.
Oh, thank God.
I mean, that's been killing me.
You saw it, you know.
It's just such a good nickname.
Prince of Tides.
Is that your nickname for me now? No, Coach Lasso.
My favorite book.
The people at Dubai Air have asked specifically for Sam.
There's a photo shoot set up for Friday.
Good for him.
That young man deserves some recognition.
Yeah.
Hello.
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm Sharon Fieldstone.
Yes.
Oh, it is lovely to meet you, Dr.
Fieldstone.
- Please, call me Sharon.
Hi.
- Hi! Lovely to meet you.
I just wanted to stop by and thank you for the lovely gift basket of bottled water.
Yes, well, Ted said you didn't eat sugar.
So many other things don't have sugar in them.
I really am glad that you're joining us.
I hope that you'll be just the boost we need to get things going around here.
Wouldn't you say, Higgins? Leslie? Sorry, I was justâ¦