Ted Lasso (2020) s02e03 Episode Script

Do the Right-est Thing

Hi, how you doing? You new around here? To planet Earth? No, I'm 13.
But I'm also fairly certain this is my third life reincarnated.
Well, color me impressed 'cause my third lap around this big blue marble I was nothing but a horsefly.
- Oh, I've never seen a horse fly.
- No? Saw a horse pee once.
That was a lot.
Noisy too.
To be honest, now that my lower back tattoo's completely gone, I kinda miss it.
Here comes the biscuits train! Choo choo! Sassy Smurf! - Marlboro Man.
- What? Hey! Hey! All right! How about that? Yeah.
- Here you go, boss.
- Thank you.
Hey, who's the new receptionist? That's Nora, my daughter.
Wait… Is she mine? Ted, we had sex like six months ago.
Right, right.
Yeah, bad math.
And if memory serves, you finished on my Hey! Yeah.
No reason to get into the science of it all in front of the boss here, you know.
So… anyhoo… What's the hap, Sass? What brings your fun buns in town? I'm speaking at a conference in Brighton.
So Nora is staying with Stinky here.
Yes, and I am going to make good on every single one of her wishes from the last six years.
Just make sure one of those wishes is a spare tampon then, Miss Fairy Godmother.
That girl is an errant cobblestone away from her first period.
Well, bibbidi-bobbidi-booyah.
You know.
Always good to see ya, Sass.
Straight shooter.
Okay, I'll let you ladies get back to it.
All right? TTFN.
Yeah? Hey, you know what? What do you say we do what the man says and make today our masterpiece, yeah? Okay.
- Did he talk like that when - The whole time and so eager to please.
It was fabulous.
- Ted! - Coach! All right, Lloyd, why don't you go all Pat Benatar on me, yeah? And hit you with my best shot? - Fire away.
- Yes! So, you've got Coventry City this weekend, where you're heavily favored.
You think this'll end your team's embarrassing streak of draws? Oh, Lloyd, I've never been embarrassed about having streaks in my drawers.
It's all part of growing up.
Yeah? All right, who else? Yes, sir.
Trent Crimm, The Independent.
Hi, Trent.
Make like Dunst and Union and bring it on, baby.
Ted, you're known for creating a great environment in the locker room, but do you think the return of the prodigal son, Jamie Tartt, will impact that so-called "vibe"? Well, I don't think so, Trent.
I believe that Jamie's on a path to becoming a better man and I'm just here to help him along that journey.
You know, think of me as his own personal Mr.
Except without all that extra yard work.
- Knock knock! - Hey! Sam, I think I have something you might wanna see.
Okay? You wanna look at your photos from the Dubai Air shoot? Yes, please.
Oh, God.
I'm very nervous.
But also very excited.
That's similar to whenever Colin drives me somewhere in his Lamborghini.
Aye, it's true.
It's way too much car for me.
- Look at you! I mean, come on.
- Wow! You're a mood.
You're a moment.
You're a mantra.
Those sound like compliments.
Thank you.
Bruh, I'm confused.
Is this an ad for ugly people? Congratulations, amigo.
I can't wait to see these up in a tube station.
Yeah, so I can draw a dick on his face.
Yeah! Bro, why you wearing your kit on the plane? 'Cause it's the only way they'll know he's a footballer.
Anyways, man.
What are we… - The pictures are so great.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah, I'm so proud of you! - Thanks.
- I'll see you later.
- I'll see you later.
Oh, boys.
Will you remember to sign up for that new dating app I emailed you all about? It would really help draw some traction if there were some young, hot footballers on there.
Yeah, well… Keeley, what was the name again? Bantr.
Like Grindr.
Well, promise me you'll just check it out? - Of course.
- You're the best! Bye! Okay, fellas.
Got a big game this weekend.
- What are we looking at, Coach? - Very physical.
- Okay.
All right.
Anything else? - Borderline violent.
You heard the man.
Still can't believe y'all don't have pads in this sport.
It's amazing.
Sorry, Coach.
Do you mind if I say something, please? Yeah.
No, sure, Jamie.
Come on.
I know I wasn't the greatest teammate.
I did some shitty things.
I said some shitty things.
But I want each and every one of you to know that I'm truly sorry and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to make it up to ya.
Yeah? You called me a jaundiced worm.
Right, yeah.
And I'm sorry about that, Colin.
In a profile for my hometown paper.
You hit on my mum.
In front of my dad.
I apologize for that, Bumbercatch.
Please tell your father I'm sorry.
And give Janet me best, yeah? He said that you cupped a fart and put it in his face.
Sounds better in French.
I know.
I do remember that and I'm sorry.
Hey, is there anyone else? You got us relegated, mate.
I don't know you, but I don't like you.
I am not a worm.
Okay, fellas.
All right.
That's good.
Good apology.
Way to get the ball rolling.
Come on, guys.
Let's go.
Let's get out on the pitch.
Settle it out there.
Let's go, Richmond! Here we go now.
Come on.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I remember the last time I brought you here we played that contest of who could fit the most little sandwiches in their mouth.
That was a while ago.
- This is silly, isn't it? - No, not at all.
Don't know what I was thinking.
You're not six anymore, are you? It's fine.
Should we go somewhere else though? - Yes.
- I'll get the bill.
Then you're coming back, right? Yes, why? Just making sure you're not gonna disappear for another six years.
I'm joking.
Okay, I deserved that.
All right, fellas, I think we've all had enough of this amuse-bouche.
Time to move on to the main course.
- Chef Beard, what's on the menu? - 11 v 11.
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Hey, Jamie.
Come here real quick.
Yeah, there you go.
Yeah, keep them hips loose.
That's it.
Take your time.
Love it.
Boy, I wish I could move like that.
- To be so young.
- Yeah.
So, hey, we're gonna start you out on the reserve squad, all right? No problem, Coach.
Figure it would be good for the fellas to see ya earn your spot back.
Nothing more likable than watching somebody humbly overcome adversity with their effortless God-given talent.
Hey, just do me a favor.
Don't try to do too much out there, all right? I know what you mean, Coach.
Kit man! Hit me! - Hey, you think he heard me? - I do.
- Think he gonna listen to me? - I do not.
- Yeah.
- They are going to kill him.
He just wasn't very nice to me either, so… Go, go! Jamie! Jamie! - Jamie! Jamie! - Yeah! Hey, while you were off filming your little TV show, some things changed around here.
Don't bring that weak rubbish my way.
Let's go, boys! Let's go! Come on, come on! Let's go! - Let's go! Let's go! - Who's the worm now? It's not me.
Fuck just happened? We could go and see a show tonight.
What about The Mouse Trap? You know that Agatha Christie play where someone dies every performance? Usually in the audience.
Seeing as only old people go and see it.
If that's what you wanna do.
The British Girl Shop.
Wanna pop in? Don't really play with dolls much anymore.
No, of course not.
Besides, why do all their dolls have to be tragically orphaned? Edith's parents died in the war.
- Emma's had scurvy.
- Yes.
The Americans really do the historical doll concept better, don't they? Must be their innate sense of triumph, however misguided.
Yeah, but no one does the orphans better than us Brits.
Thank you, Uncle Roy.
- I love her.
- Oh, good.
Right, so how'd her parents die? Factory fire? Eaten by rats? No.
Zoe's from the modern line.
Her parents were canceled.
So, what's happening with what's-his-name, from the steakhouse? Who, John? - Yeah.
- I dumped him.
- 'Cause of what I said? - No.
'Cause you were right about what you said.
So what now? Hell, I don't know.
Keeley's got me on that silly dating app she's promoting.
- The one with no pictures? - That's the one.
What? So now you just get a bunch of unsolicited descriptions of dicks? Uncle Roy, can we have ice cream for dinner? No, that's dumb.
You're right.
Thank you for helping me set boundaries.
- Wow, she really loves you.
- I know.
It's fucking annoying.
It's been really gorgeous reconnecting with Nora.
And I had all these things organized.
Loads of activities.
She's not interested in any of it.
Look, most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained.
It's bullshit.
I didn't need a fucking parade every day growing up, did you? Truth is they just wanna feel like they're part of our lives.
Little idiots.
Watch this.
Do you wanna come to my podiatrist appointment later? Yes, please! Hey, do you fancy watching a scary movie together? I can make some popcorn.
You finally learned how to cook, did you? Sounds fun.
I'll be right down.
And for tomorrow I was wondering I mean, it could be a terrible idea.
Would you want to come to work with me for, like, the whole day and just join me for meetings and stuff? It could be tremendously boring.
That would be amazing.
Would it? Yeah, I've always wanted to see what it's like to run a football club.
Really? Since when? Ever since you started doing it.
I'll be down in a sec.
- Hey, Shannon.
- Coach Beard asked me to give this to you.
He had to run off.
Everything all right? I don't know.
He mumbled the name Jane and then sprinted away.
That makes sense.
What about you? You good? When are you guys gonna finally win a match? Geez louise, Shannon.
Not even Beard comes at me that strong this early, you know? We like to start off with a little small talk, you know? Like, I'll say, "Hey, what's the word, Larry Bird?" Then he'll say "Don't call me Larry Bird and when are we gonna finally win a fucking match?" Yeah.
Like that.
See, much better.
So, being the boss isn't just about reacting to situations.
It's also about anticipating them as well.
You need to be three, four steps ahead of everyone else around you.
Good morning, Higgins.
This is my goddaughter, Nora.
She's going to be shadowing me today.
Outstanding! Welcome aboard.
And Miss Welton, I received your email.
And once again your suggestion fixed everything.
I mean, brilliant as always.
What are you talking about? I was just trying to make you look good.
- You blew that.
- Yeah, I did.
And obviously one of the perks of being in charge is having your own private sanctum.
Shit! I didn't think you were coming in today.
When I know you're not gonna be here, sometimes I use your office.
I like the light and the absence of smells.
No worries.
We had a change of plans.
- Keeley, this is Nora.
- Hey.
Nora, this is Keeley Jones.
Our head of marketing.
Cuppa? I'm so excited to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you and I love your mum.
She's so cool.
What's "Bantr"? It's just a little side hustle gig.
It's a new dating app.
This venture capital firm asked if I can do some freelance PR for them.
What's the hook? It's pretty groovy actually.
They wanna be a less superficial dating app alternative.
It's completely anonymous, no photos.
It's all about encouraging people to connect using their words and personalities.
Yeah, so you don't know if the person you're communicating with is remotely fit or not.
Horrifying, isn't it? I think that's awesome.
Yeah, no.
Me too.
So, I downloaded Bantr last night.
Looking for a lady, hey? Oh, God, no.
No, I deleted it immediately.
Besides, I am very picky when it comes to women.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
But women are pretty picky too, so… Yeah, I'm not really looking for anything romantic right now either.
But, boy, what if I did get on there and I met my soul mate and it changed the whole course of my life.
- That'd be pretty neato.
Yeah? - Yeah.
What about you, Coach? You get on there yet? No, no, no.
Jane and I took a big step forward in our relationship this weekend.
We are now sharing an iCloud account.
They call it digital intimacy.
So if she found out that you downloaded a dating app… She would destroy my phone with pliers and a blowtorch.
Hi, darling.
Diamond Dogs adjourned? Yeah, I was howling.
Like a dog, yeah.
Hey, Jamie.
Hey, how you feeling today? - Fucking great.
- Yeah? Yeah, I had this dope idea last night during me eyebrow threading.
I'm gonna buy the whole team PS5s.
They'll fucking love me.
Yeah, but, you know, some folks might also consider that buying affection, you know.
Yeah, what better thing to spend money on than love? Hey? Boy.
He sure does thread that needle sometimes, don't he? Well, gentlemen, I think we might have ourselves a "break glass in case of emergency" situation here.
- You know what we gotta do? - Get Dr.
Sharon? What? No, no, no.
No, I think it's time for these young fellas to meet… that guy.
No, no.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
They don't need to meet that guy.
They don't.
Nobody does.
Don't worry, Coach.
It's gonna be great.
All right.
I'll see you in a little bit.
Who's "that guy"? Led Tasso.
Who's Led Tasso? The last resort.
Still doesn't really answer my question though, does it? Who's Led Tasso? So, our players have contracts that were signed when we were a premiership club.
But our current income is that of a championship club.
Which means You're paying premiership rates for championship players, so financially the club's a bit fucked.
She got it quicker than Ted did.
Come in.
Sam! How nice to see you.
- I apologize for interrupting.
- No, please.
Sam, this is my goddaughter, Nora.
- Nora, this is Sam - Sam Obisanya.
Hi, Sam Obisanya.
Oh, yes.
You guys used to watch Frozen together.
I have now watched that movie many times myself.
It's a beautiful metaphor for many of life's journeys.
Yeah, especially puberty.
What can I help you with? Well… I would like to pull out of my campaign with Dubai Air.
What? Why? Well, it has come to my attention that Dubai Air's parent company, Cerithium Oil, is destroying Nigeria's environment.
And at the same time bribing government officials to look the other way.
I can't be the face of one of their subsidiaries.
Hell, yeah.
Look, Keeley, I'm really sorry.
I know how hard you worked for this.
It's okay.
Of course you don't have to do it, Sam.
I'll take care of it.
Thank you.
And lovely to meet you, Nora.
He remembered my name.
They are our sponsor.
We might need to give them a bell so we don't ruffle any feathers.
I will handle it.
The CEO of Cerithium Oil is an old friend of Rupert's.
Perhaps he'll still find me charming.
Come here, you.
That's Led Tasso.
Now I get it.
The Ted you know is gone for now.
Now listen up, you little turd birds! Practice starts at 11 o'clock.
If you are not stretched five minutes early then you are 45 minutes late! You understand me? Do you understand me? - Yes, Coach.
- Okay, good! Now start touching your toes! Touch your toes! Those are your feet fingers.
Let's go, dummies.
Touch your toes.
And touch each other's toes! - What? - You heard me! Touch each other's toes! I don't wanna hear it.
Hands on toes.
Someone else's toes besides your own.
- What muscle is this working? - Don't worry about it.
The only muscle I don't wanna see working right now is your mouth, Colin.
- Rojas! - Yes.
- Richard.
- Rojas! - Bumbercatch! - Sorry, Coach.
Okay, you're sorry, hey? I know y'all don't think it's a big deal messing up on these drills.
But let me tell you this right now.
The day we stop doing things the right way means we are one day closer to doing everything the wrong way.
Then what happens after that? What, you wanna make this ball your girlfriend? You gonna start taking it to places under your arm? Having people compliment how y'all look together? And then what? You start caressing it and playing with, like, the little air hole nub? Yeah? Messing around with that? Making out with it.
Making it your girlfriend.
Is that what you wanna do? Then when? You ask it to marry you? - Y'all wanna be married to a ball? - No.
- What did you say? - I said no.
Congratulations, Isaac.
That smart mouth of yours just earned you and the entire team ten laps.
- Let's go! - What are you Guess what? Make it a thousand laps.
That's your fault too.
A thousand laps.
Off you go! Let's go.
- What did we do? - Run, run, run.
Run! Run! Yeah, there you go.
Get them knees up! Get 'em by your nipples! I hope y'all drank a lot of water today 'cause y'all are gonna be so dehydrated, that you're gonna look like one of them trees from a Tim Burton movie.
I'm talking any Tim Burton movie! Even Dumbo! Even freaking Dumbo.
Rebecca, what a lovely surprise.
Hello, Richard.
So, are you in your second, third or fourth house? I'm actually back on the yacht.
Care to join me? I don't think your new wife would enjoy that.
As long as she can watch, she doesn't mind.
Okay, Richard, I need to ask you a favor.
One of our players, Sam Obisanya, no longer wishes to participate in a Dubai Air ad campaign.
And I was hoping you'd be able to make that go away without much fuss.
Understood, Rebecca.
That won't be a problem.
Thank you so much, Richard.
Of course.
And now, darling, I just need a favor from you.
But nothing scandalous, yes? Of course not.
Get rid of him.
- I'm sorry? - Get rid of Obisanya.
Thank you, my dear.
Lovely talking with you.
- It's on the left! - Richard, Richard! - Richard! Richard! - Right! Right! Richard! I haven't seen a pass that soft since my high school drama teacher asked me to mow his lawn.
Is anybody on this pitch interested in not sucking at soccer? All right, Coach.
We get it.
Just stop yelling at everyone.
I don't know whatever this Jekyll and Hyde thing you got going on but just leave it out, yeah.
You know what, Tartt? Practice is canceled.
Hit the showers.
All of you.
Let's go.
Jamie just blew y'all's chance to get better.
- Thanks, man.
- That's how running looks.
Let's run! Let's go! Everybody to the showers! Well, guess what? We start no people this weekend.
It'll be 11 versus zero.
What's the matter, O'Brien? Your butt still hurt? Unbelievable.
What? How long was I out? - Doesn't matter.
You're back now.
- Okay.
Well, that was interesting.
Thank you, Doc.
Yeah, little something we came up with back in Kansas.
- See, what we're doing is - You pretend to be an asshole.
So the team make you their common enemy and not Jamie.
- Yeah.
Spot on.
- Oh, yeah.
Got it right away.
Has it ever worked? - Trying to remember.
- Chuck E.
Cheese? Chuck E.
That's right! Yeah, we were at a arcade/pizza joint in Lincoln, Nebraska.
And one of our offensive linemen got his head stuck in a VR machine.
Ended up getting the entire meal and all our beverages comped for free, so… Maybe they don't have Chuck E.
Cheese here.
Oh, yeah.
Y'all might call it something different here.
Like Charles Edgar Cheeserton III or something, right? - He's a mouse but he's also a musician.
- And he loves video games and pizza.
I'm sure.
Okay, we could release Sam.
Which we're not gonna do.
Oh, no.
Or we can tell the CEO of our biggest sponsor to piss off.
Which I doubt we can do.
This is just like the time I got in trouble for chewing gum in the bathroom.
You got in trouble for chewing gum? No, I was smoking.
But I don't want a lecture.
I'll allow it.
Go on.
I was with my friend Sarah, who we call "Pimp", when a teach came in and busted her.
I was hiding in the loo and I could have just stayed there but he started to get a bit shitty with her.
So, I decided to come out and we both ended up getting suspended.
Mum freaked out and I had to watch a three-hour video about cancer.
Point is, Aunt Stinky, sometimes you have to do the right thing even if you lose.
Yes, you do.
Hi, Jamie.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
Actually, Sam just quit the Dubai Air gig.
So I'm scrambling a bit.
That's stupid of him.
Do you want me to do it? What do you want, Jamie? Well, just wanted to talk.
About what? I'm just super frustrated 'cause I don't know how to let the team know I'm cool now, and it's just really fucking with me head.
Walk with me.
Come on.
I mean, if they wanna be little bitches about actually having someone on the pitch who can score a goal, then what? Am I supposed to just walk around with me head down? No.
It's like they're holding onto some silly grudge.
I mean, it's not my fault I'm special.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Jamie, this is Dr.
She's a brilliant therapist and, unlike me, she actually gets paid to listen to you complain.
So, what? Do I just… sit here and blather on and on about meself? Basically.
Hey, dick hole.
"Dear Richard Cole.
" You creepy old pedo.
"My old friend.
" Sam isn't going anywhere, asshole.
"I have decided not to release Sam Obisanya.
" You're a shitty old man with a tiny, shriveled penis.
I feel sorry for your wife.
Her life must be a constant hell.
"Please give Daphne my love.
" Sincerely, boss ass bitch.
"Sincerely, boss ass bitch.
" Welcome to Soccer Saturday.
We have a massive afternoon of action for you today across all the divisions.
I'm your host, Jeff Stelling here with Mr.
Unbelievable himself, Chris Kamara.
A man who's coached seemingly every club in England, including yours, George Cartrick.
And still getting comfortable in his new seat on our set, it's the legendary Chelsea hard man, Roy Kent.
Welcome, Roy.
Well said.
Of course, last time we saw Roy Kent on the pitch was with AFC Richmond, battling against relegation.
And occasionally against other Richmond players.
What is this? Kent and Tartt are at each other's throats! Well, the big story today is the return of that same teammate.
The controversial Jamie Tartt.
The ex-Manchester City starlet and Lust Conquers All reject has his first match back with Richmond.
Any thoughts, Roy? Jamie Tartt is a muppet.
And I hope he dies of the incurable condition of being a little bitch.
Don't hold back, Roy.
Yeah, come on.
Tell us how you really feel.
You're a shit manager.
Not about me, you twat! Language, boys! - Well, he asked for it.
- He did ask for it.
Bantr's horrifying, is it? I'm going to insult something and then try it because I'm a good friend.
A-hootie hoo.
Sassy! I thought you weren't coming back till Sunday? What? And miss 22 fit, sweaty men running around chasing one another? Did you meet Sam Obisanya? - That's her favorite player.
- Oh, Mum.
What are you doing? What, Dubai Air not paying you enough? No, no.
Dubai Air is owned by a horrible company.
One that has turned the southern coast of Nigeria, my home, into a hellish, fiery swamp.
I can no longer wear their name on my chest.
Never again.
Give me the tape, bruv.
Can I ask it? Hey, listen.
I do not expect you all to do this.
But I hope you understand why we as Nigerians must.
Throw me the tape? What do you think you're doing? We're a team, ain't we? Gotta wear the same kit.
Live from the Dogtrack, it's Arlo White here with Chris Powell.
Today Coventry City take on the home team, AFC Richmond, who remain winless with eight straight draws.
Any predictions, Chris? - Yeah, I think it's gonna be a draw.
- Makes sense.
But the story everyone is talking about is the return of Jamie Tartt.
Chris, will the Richmond faithful welcome him back? Tough to say, Arlo.
Supporters are a notoriously fickle bunch.
Jamie Tartt Jamie Tartt Jamie Tartt If no one's passing to Jamie we can always drop him to midfield.
So the people not passing to Jamie can be closer to him? - Cheers.
- Thanks, mate.
What's that now? What's going on here, Arlo? It appears to be some sort of protest against Richmond's sponsor, Dubai Air.
This might become an issue.
Boss ass bitch.
Hey, take it easy, all right? One at a time, please.
Go ahead, Gary, what have you got? Yeah, Ted, did you know the team were gonna do that? No, sir.
No, no.
But I think what Sam and the team did today was courageous.
I've never needed to have that kind of courage.
'Cause, well, honestly when bad things happen to people like me y'all have a tendency to write about it without being asked.
Sam had to go and get y'all's attention, you know? So, if you have any more you wanna know about it, you can ask him.
Come on, Sam.
Sam! Sam! Sam! Hello.
Thank you.
Trent Crimm, The Independent.
Sam, do you think that your protest may have distracted the team tonight and lead to the loss? I'm not here to talk about football.
I'm here to ask the Nigerian government to put an end to decades of environmental destruction caused by Cerithium Oil.
Destruction that the powers that be have turned a blind eye towards for far too long.
Do you have any questions about that? Yes, I do.
Follow-up question, please.
Thank you.
Sam, are you openly accusing the Nigerian government of corruption? Yes, I am.
Sam! - How are you feeling? - Good.
I think.
I just hope the rest of the team is not upset with me.
Hey, doing the right thing is never the wrong thing.
There he is! - What's going on? - We are celebrating! - But we lost.
- Yeah, but we broke the tie streak.
A toast to Sam, who did something incredible tonight.
The little Nigerian prick stole my thunder.
No, but seriously.
To Sam.
To Sam! - Thank you, guys.
- Well done, bruv.
- I appreciate it.
- Took a lot of courage, man.
- It's good to have you back.
- Yeah, it's good to be back, bruv.
Please don't do this to me.
'Scuse me, chaps.
- Sam, could Nora get a picture, please? - Hello.
Oh, yes! Of course.
Hey, guys! Guys! We're gonna take a picture for Nora.
I want to be in the front.
Nora, you all right? - You okay? Yeah? - Yeah! Yeah.
- She's gonna absolutely love this.
- Oh, my God.
Love it and hate it.
So cute! Hide your beers! Oh, shit.
Thank you.
Greyhounds on three! One, two, three! Greyhounds! Okay, got it!
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