Ted Lasso (2020) s02e04 Episode Script

Carol of the Bells

A scarf.
- Bumbercatch, did you make this? - Yeah, man, knitting soothes me.
I didn't know everyone was doing booze.
Nah, mate.
Cheers! This is great.
I can wrap it around my booze.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Colin.
Dani Rojas, approach.
Let's go, let's go, let's go! May your Secret Santa reveal himself.
And more booze! All right.
Let's see here.
Nate, is this a photo of you and me after our first win? - Yeah.
- Thanks, buddy.
I appreciate it.
Look at that.
"Ted, thank you for everything you've done for me.
" What a lovely inscription, that you wrote completely over my head, face and body.
Secret Santa's a fun new tradition.
As is a half-day for Christmas.
Well, I think we gotta be responsible.
We gotta save our legs for tomorrow's big game.
So, to responsibility.
- Being responsible.
- Responsibility.
And if we get this Boxing Day win, we'll finally have more wins than losses.
Coach, what are you doing the rest of the day? I'm just spending it with my family.
I finally make enough money to buy something nice for my dad.
He can be very tricky to shop for.
He's one of them fellas that buys everything for himself, huh? I wish.
No, he just hates everything.
What about you, Coach? Jane and I are going to a pagan Christmas ritual at Stonehenge.
What? I thought you two broke up.
We did, but we got the tickets before we broke up.
So, we're going as friends.
That's gonna be… What about you, Keeley? What are you guys getting into? Roy and I are celebrating a new tradition that I'm calling "Sexy Christmas.
" It's not gonna be like that.
It's gonna be a swinging A swinging Sinatra, Vegas-y type Christmas for adults where we get all dressed up, and we sip on martinis, sit by the fire.
And then it's gonna be like that.
Awooga! - You're talking about Sexy Christmas? - Maybe.
Hey, boss.
- Let me get you a drink, yeah? - Yes.
Thank you.
How you spending the rest of Santa's birthday? I'm going to a Christmas party at a friend's house.
What friend's that? First and last name, please.
Elton John.
Holy shit! Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer, Prancer and Vixen.
It's actually rather lovely.
We just sing carols around Elton's piano, and hopefully Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig will do their puppet show again.
That sounds like double-O heaven to me.
What about you, Higgins? The Higginses will be opening Christmas presents and then hosting an open house for players who don't have family in town.
Something we do every year.
We usually get about two.
It's really nice.
You're more than welcome, Ted.
I appreciate that offer, Higgie Smalls.
But I am all good, baby, baby.
This is the first Christmas the family's away from each other, so, you know, once Henry wakes up here, in about an hour, he wants us to open presents and spend all day together on FaceTime.
It's gonna be a lovely afternoon of yuletide cheer in two dimensions.
- Hey.
Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Keeley.
- Merry Christmas.
How you doin'? What can I help you with? Have you got anythin' that I can give as a present? Did you not buy a Secret Santa gift? I didn't know I had to.
The email said "Secret Santa.
" I didn't wanna ruin the surprise, did I? - Oh, Jamie.
- You know what, hold on here.
Yep, here you go.
Higgins, look alive.
- What are you doin'? No, no.
- Here comes a little magic pixie dust.
Whoo! There's your Christmas miracle.
God bless me… everyone.
Merry Sexy Christmas! Phoebe.
Didn't get my text, did ya? What did it say? My sister got called to surgery, so Phoebe's got to spend Sexy Christmas with us.
Phoebe, I'm sorry you can't spend Christmas with your mum.
- But we'll have fun together, yeah? - Please just leave me alone.
Apparently, she's been like this all week.
Won't talk about it.
I am sorry.
I know this does make Christmas significantly less sexy.
Don't worry about it.
We can do Sexy Boxing Day.
I've got a match all day.
I can't do the day after.
Sexy December 28th.
- 28th.
Sexiest of all the days.
- Yeah.
Holy fucking shit.
You look incredible.
What could it be? Clearly the surfboard I asked for.
Rip it, rip it, rip it, rip it! Perfect! Okay.
Guests arriving in an hour, time to clean up.
I'll get it! Merry Christmas, and welcome to our home.
- Hello! - Hey! Sorry.
I know I'm early, but I was in the neighborhood - and I really need to use the restroom.
- No, no.
Sam, come in.
Come in.
Thank you.
Come through.
It's a bit of a mess, but… - Yeah.
- Wow.
To hold us off until dinner we have mince pies, cheese and crackers, pigs in blankets, mulled wine.
All the favorites.
So, Sam, back home, what does Christmas make you think of? Colonization.
Of course.
But I'm more than happy to celebrate the day with you.
Back home in Lagos, we have good friends who celebrate, and they always eat jollof rice and goat meat, so I made you some.
But I used chicken.
Thank God.
Obisanya, it was so cool what you done with that Dubai Air logo.
Fuck those guys.
Yes, fuck 'em.
I'm really sorry, but where's your restroom? Right.
Of course.
Back through here.
To your left there, Sam.
All right.
Now it's my turn.
Let's see what we got here.
Did you wrap these yourself? 'Cause this is very well done.
Oh, boy.
Is this what I think it is? Hold on here.
Wait a minute.
Is this a tiny dartboard or did I become a giant? It's a mini dartboard.
Do you like it? That's very smart.
No, I don't like it.
I love it! Thank you.
All right, your turn.
Come on.
Open up the big one.
I wanna see what you think.
A drone? Dad, you got me a drone! I know.
How irresponsible is that of me? Considering all the issues with privacy these days.
And you know what? Mrs.
Claus charged that puppy up last night.
- So, you should be good to go.
- Can I try it out now? Heck yeah! Yeah, it's no fun just keeping it in the box.
- Great! - Oh, boy.
Whoa, whoa.
- Be careful.
- Mom, here.
You lost him.
Yeah, no.
That's gonna happen.
Should have got him socks.
Sorry, Ted.
He's just so excited.
- No, that's okay.
I get it.
- Nice! How are you? I'm good.
You know, just plugging away over here.
We got a big match tomorrow so everybody's focused on that, and Henry, careful! No, not in the house! Sorry, Ted.
It's okay.
You go.
Go have fun, and send me photos, okay? - Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Ted.
Henry, careful! The baseboards! Geez.
I Shoot.
Phoebe, whatever it is, we just wanna try and make it better.
What have you got to be sad about? Did one of the Paw Patrol dogs die? Listen, Phoebe, problems, they're like mushrooms, yeah? The longer you leave them in the dark, the bigger they get.
A boy at school was mean to me.
What did he do? "Merry Christmas, Phoebe.
I got you something you desperately need.
Your Secret Santa, Bernard.
" Who the fuck is Bernard? Why did Bernard get you toothpaste and mouthwash for Christmas, babe? Because he told everyone my breath is rancid.
Right, where does Bernard live? Roy, we are not going to go beat up a little kid.
Why not? Why do you think? Fucking knobhead.
Phoebe, listen.
Some kids are just mean little dickheads, yeah? I bet your breath doesn't smell that bad.
Come on.
Phoebe, it's me.
Let me have a smell.
Come on.
Oi! She feels bad enough! I'm so sorry.
I really tried.
It cannot be that bad.
- Go away! - Phoebe.
I'm a monster.
I've spent the last 20 years in locker rooms with men.
I promise you, I've smelled worse.
I don't know.
Come on.
I think you might be dying.
Sweetheart, listen.
That is not like "I forgot to brush my teeth" bad.
Or like, "I ate onions" bad.
That's actually medically bad.
Which means it's not your fault.
- Come here.
- Right.
I'm gonna sort this.
Put your coats on.
Where are we going? We're going to my stupid posh neighborhood, and we're gonna start knocking on doors.
And if we don't find a dentist in 10 houses, you each get £1,000.
- Let's go get our coats.
- Yeah! Quick, quick, quick, quick! Run, run, run, run, run! Did Santa get you something good this morning? It's okay.
I know there's no Santa.
But of course there's a Santa.
There's no way he can deliver presents to everyone in the world in one night! But it's not the whole world in one night.
It's the whole world split up into 24 different time zones.
You see, Santa's true power is not his speed but his endurance.
He got me a bicycle.
- Hey! - Merry Christmas! - Feliz Navidad! - Merry Christmas.
Look at that! Hello! Thank you for coming.
Of course.
My mother was very happy I wouldn't be alone on Christmas and insisted I bring a traditional Mexican ponche! If you want to be a little bit cheeky, you can put some tequila in it.
Dani, it already smells like it has tequila in it.
Yes, this one is pre-cheeked.
Hey! What a turnout! Welcome! Welcome! - Cool! - Hello.
A Montlaur family tradition.
We have foie gras, champagne, and a fancy stinky cheese.
- And this time you try it.
- Okay.
- Hey! - I brought fried chicken.
Is that a Christmas tradition in Holland? No.
- Yo! - Hey! I just walked into your neighbor's house! Oh, my God.
What's up? Yes! Let's get drunk.
Help! Help! Help! Hey, boss! How's FaceTime Christmas with Henry going? Well, I lost him to an overpriced guilt gift.
Hubris, thy name is Ted.
Grab a coat.
You're coming with me.
Yes, ma'am.
And wear the hat.
It's a nice touch.
Where are we going? You know what? Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
That's all right.
Actually, hold on.
We're not going to Elton John's holiday party, are we? 'Cause if so, I'm gonna be severely underdressed.
I could run right back upstairs and pop on this Donald Duck suit I bring with me everywhere.
- You look perfect, don't worry.
- All right.
I appreciate it.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart But the very next day you gave it away This year… I love the buskers y'all got over here.
Always reminds me of that movie, Once.
You ever see that? - Great film.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I loved Once so much, I saw it twice.
I gave you my heart But the very next day You gave it away This year, to save me from tears I'll give it to someone special Oh, shit.
I guess that's what I get for taking a tinkle next to John Holmes.
Come on.
- Merry Christmas.
Thank you.
- Merry Christmas, y'all.
You drove yourself? - That's a Christmas miracle.
- Oi, wanker.
Merry Christmas.
Right back at ya, sir.
Did he just call you a wanker? Yeah, it's an inside joke.
Mostly inside of him.
Roy Kent! You gonna sing? No, we're not carolers.
Is your mum or dad a dentist? No, they're lawyers.
Come on.
Thank you.
Uncle Roy, this is embarrassing.
This isn't embarrassing.
Embarrassing is me eating so much ice cream at a birthday party, knowing I'm no good with dairy, that I poop my pants on the bus.
- Finish your story.
- Three weeks ago.
Sweetheart, none of this is your fault.
And the sooner we figure it out, the better, yeah? You pooped your pants? Roy Kent? Yeah, so? I do too, sometimes.
Well… let's both try and knock that off, shall we? If you can do it, I can do it.
- Cool? - Cool.
Merry Christmas! - Bye! - Come on.
Go, go, go, go, go! We're not gonna make it.
Tell my incredibly beautiful wife I love her.
I'm not gonna do that, 'cause you'll tell her yourself.
Then you're gonna hook me up with her identical, beautiful twin sister.
Good luck, mi amigo.
Bonne chance, mon ami.
Eat Nerf! Richard.
Why did you bring a date to the team Christmas party? The French believe that having a beautiful woman around is always a good thing.
That was not true with the Helter Skelter murders.
Hey! - Cheers, darling.
- Cheers.
- Hey! - You've become quite popular, Leslie.
This is by far the most people we've ever had.
- Merry Christmas! - Hey! - Welcome, guys! - Merry Christmas! Well, at least we've got plenty of food and drink.
But where are we all gonna sit down and eat it? Mom! There are two white people at the door and they're smiling! - Can I help you? - Good afternoon.
We work for Santa Claus, and I believe he received this.
My letter.
Yes, we're terribly sorry that your presents didn't arrive last night.
But as elves we've been personally directed by Mr.
and Mrs.
Claus to deliver your presents this afternoon and to apologize for the delay.
Am I forgetting anything? Well, you see what happened was Rudolph's nose shined so brightly that it rendered me unable to see, and I was I was delirious for several minutes.
And I ended up putting this whole sack of goodies on the wrong sled.
I mean, you know, ain't that nuts? Anyway, this bad boy's been around the world at least twice over the past day so… Yeah, you smell that? That's the Himalayas right there.
That's all for you.
Am I getting notes of Beijing? I bet you are, yeah.
- Thank you.
- You're so welcome.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- On to the next? - Heck yeah.
- Hey, guys! Amazing! Amazing! - Hey! House number ten, Uncle Roy.
Oi, Phoebs.
We can't lose.
Either we find out why your breath is so rancid, or we get £1,000! Each! That's like a month worth of swear words.
Hold on, I've gotta fix my knee.
Are you Roy Kent? Yeah.
Are you a dentist? Yeah.
Can we come in? Thank you so much.
This will only take a second.
Your house is lovely! Well, congratulations, Phoebe.
That is some spectacularly bad breath.
Thank you.
Have you been under any unusual stress lately? Not if I do my breathing exercises.
Have you been smoking? No! Any new medications? Just my antihistamines.
They got a new cat.
She's allergic.
Her name is Dauphine.
My mum said that we rescued her, but I'd like to think that she rescued us.
Well, that's it then, Phoebe.
Antihistamines dry out the mouth, and when saliva production is reduced, then the environment for odor-producing bacteria thrives.
And thrive it has.
Might be time to say au revoir to Dauphine.
- No! - Come on, Phoebe.
- You've only had her a month.
- But we're soul mates.
Phoebe, no one is gonna make you get rid of Dauphine.
Okay? Because that would be an insane thing for your uncle, who loves you and who is not a monster, to suggest.
And I'm sure Dr.
Rogers has another solution because she's nice and smart, and science is real, and it's Christmas! - Right? - Yeah.
Thank you! Yo! Can I get an ussie? Fine.
Not with you, mate.
With Keeley.
I mean, you're a legend at Chelsea but shit at Richmond.
But Keeley Jones was a seminal figure throughout my teenage years.
How about this, why don't we all take a picture together? By the tree.
Wicked! Un, deux, trois.
You brought jollof.
- With goat meat? Yes! - Original.
You want to try some goat? Okay.
Are you sure? Oh, no! Oh, no! - Yes! - No! I never win.
- Merry Christmas.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
See, doesn't it feel better to solve the problem than go beat up a little kid? Oi, you got any poster board and markers? For another hundred quid.
That was pretty dang neat.
Thanks for letting me tag along.
My pleasure.
- How long have you been doing this? - For years, but then Rupert… You know, I should have done it last year, but I just sat by myself instead.
Drinking and plotting horrible things.
Oh, yeah? Like what? Look, I know all too well how stunningly shitty the first Christmas after you get divorced can be.
I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
Yeah, well, I am now, you know.
A lot better than I would have been if I just drank whiskey all day and watched It's a Wonderful Life on repeat.
That could have gone dark.
So, what now? I figured you could just drop me off at home and then go get all decked out for Sir Elton's party.
- I might not go.
- Really? You're willing to miss a puppet show by Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz? - 'Cause that sounds like a lot of fun.
- Don't get me wrong, they are incredible.
But all I really want to see those two do together is fuck.
Yeah, no.
I get that.
You got any other ideas then? - You'll see.
- You want me to drive? - The steering wheel's on this side.
- Right, I'm the one with the accent here.
I forgot.
Who is it? It's carol singers.
Just give 'em a quid and tell 'em to bugger off.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Phoebe.
I just wanna thank you all for coming.
To the family Higgins! You're gonna make me cry.
To my lovely wife, Julie, my sons… To you and all your families back in Lagos, Guadalajara, Groningen, Cordon, Montreal, Benin City, Harare, Kingston… Ya, man.
…and Santa Cruz de la Sierra.
Hear! Hear! I know you would have preferred to have been with them, but it was truly an honor to have you with us to share our traditions and help make a few new ones.
To the family we're born with and to the family we make along the way.
And most importantly to Richmond! To Richmond! - What's happening outside? - I don't know.
What's that? Ho ho ho, Higginses! -Oh, oh -Christmas -The snow's coming down -Christmas -I'm watching it fall -Christmas -Lots of people around -Christmas Baby, please come home They're singing "Deck The Halls" But it ain't like Christmas at all 'Cause I remember when you were here -And all the fun that we had last year -Christmas -Pretty lights on the tree -Christmas -I'm watching them shine -Christmas -Oh, you should be here with me -Christmas -Baby, please come home -Christmas Ho ho ho ho! -Baby, please come home -Christmas -Oh, whoo -Christmas Oh, oh Baby, please come home -Baby, please, please -Christmas -The church bells in town -Christmas All ringing in song
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