Ted Lasso (2020) s02e05 Episode Script
Rainbow
Good afternoon.
Sorry, I was waiting for you to ask if if I needed anything.
So, this is my mom and dad's favorite restaurant and Friday's their 35th wedding anniversary, Jade.
How do you know my name? Oh, I don't.
That's what the 35th wedding anniversary is: Jade.
Oh, weird.
What time, then? Oh, 7:30, three people and really wanna make sure we get the window table.
You've got all the divisions⦠I have to talk to Derrick.
â¦former England international⦠Chris Kamara.
It was an unbelievable performance.
Do you mind just turning that up? Thank you.
I couldn't believe it! Looking into the championship now, Roy, your old mob in Richmond, struggling.
There are a lot of theories as to why that might be.
One that's gaining traction is a lack of leadership from your successor as captain, Isaac McAdoo.
Isaac's a good lad.
He'll find his way.
You know, under Ted Lasso, Richmond, well, they're like a woman behind the wheel: completely lost! George! Didn't you lose your license drink driving? That was an allergic reaction to my medication.
The same medication that made you piss your pants? Nothing coming up⦠So, did Did the Hey.
Hi.
Good news.
We can set aside the table in the corner for you.
Wonderful.
I just I would really like the window table, you know, just to impress my dad.
I'm sorry.
I can't guarantee a reservation for the window table.
I know Roy Kent, if that's Is he your dad? No.
Well, please let us know if Mr.
Kent ever wants the window table.
Okay.
Thank you.
Jan Maas, that's shit defending.
Yes, that goal was entirely my fault.
I don't wanna hear it.
We need to get our shit together! Hey, hit pause for me, will you? Hey, fellas.
No, I gave you an indoor whistle.
Listen, I don't care what our record is, but I hear the chatter, people saying there's something wrong with us.
Not the way I see it, okay? And here's why: I believe in communism.
Rom-communism, that is.
What is rom-communism? Well, Bumbercatch, it is a worldview that reminds us that romantic comedies with folks like Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan or Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant or Who am I missing, Coach? Drew Barrymore? - Matthew McConaughey, obviously.
- All right, all right.
Yeah.
- The three Kates.
- Yeah, Beckinsale, Hudson, Winslet.
- You forgot Blanchett.
- Different spelling.
I enjoy Renée Zellweger and all the Bridget Jones movies.
I mean, her accent is pitch perfect and her gift of physical comedy is grossly underrated.
- Word! - Hell yeah! - Absolutely! - I saw Judy⦠All right, you've gotta give it up for Zellweger.
Look, point is, fellas, if all those attractive people with their amazing apartments and interesting jobs, usually in some creative field, can go through some lighthearted struggles and still end up happy, then so can we.
Jennifer Lopez! That's a great call, Dani, and not at all a beat too late.
Gentlemen, believing in rom-communism is all about believing that everything's gonna work out in the end.
Now these next few months might be tricky, but that's just 'cause we're going through our dark forest.
Fairy tales do not start, nor do they end in the dark forest.
That son of a gun always shows up smack-dab in the middle of a story.
But it will all work out.
Now, it may not work out how you think it will or how you hope it does, but believe me, it will all work out.
Exactly as it's supposed to.
Our job is to have zero expectations and just let go.
Now, you heard him! We need to stop playing like shit! Yeah, not exactly what I said, but I appreciate you, Isaac.
Okay, let's watch the second half.
Come on, Coach.
Hey, anyone know what's going on with Isaac? I got no idea.
No.
Maybe it's piles.
I've accepted "aubergine" and "snogging", but "piles" I will not abide.
Wait a second, we play Sheffield Wednesday? - Saturday.
- Oh, we're playing Sheffield Saturday? Sheffield Wednesday, Saturday.
We gotta play 'em twice in the same week? The club is called Sheffield Wednesday.
We play them on Saturday.
They're called Sheffield Wednesday because they used to only play on Wednesdays.
But nowadays they play on whatever day they feel like, including, but not limited to, Saturdays, which, again, is the day we will be playing them.
This Saturday? I can't.
I got plans.
- I'm leaving.
- Oh, come on.
- Hey, Doc.
- Good afternoon.
Coach Lasso, is Isaac okay? No, ma'am, he is not.
He's a wigwam in a tepee right now.
What does that mean? - He's too tense.
- Boom! He's wound tighter than my nan's hairnet.
That only makes sense if you know my nan, but when she wears a hairnet, it looks like puppies are trying to escape from it.
I am not crazy.
- Do you want me to talk to Isaac? - No.
That's okay.
We got it.
I know exactly what Isaac needs.
Thank you, though.
Okay.
- What does Isaac need? - Oh, I have no idea.
No, usually in this situation I'd have a player talk to the team captain before I intervened.
- But Isaac's our captain.
- Exactly.
And I can't very well ask Isaac to pull himself aside.
'Cause that would be dangerously close to messing with the, what's it? - The dark arts? - No, no.
Space-time continuum? That's it, yeah.
- Oh.
- Fact is, Isaac is a big dog, you know? So he's only going to respond to a big dog himself.
I'll do it.
Oh, you're being serious? You didn't laugh.
- You knew he was being serious? - Yeah, man.
Shoot.
Busted.
I'm sorry about that, Nate.
But I do appreciate the offer, you know? I think we gotta get him a real big dog.
Yeah, no, goo Me too.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Let's see here.
I'm okay with "fanny".
One, two, three⦠Did you just giggle? I don't know.
Did I? Maybe.
And now you're doubling down as Shy Rebecca, who is a fictional character.
She does not actually exist, so something's up.
Hey, boys! Come get your free Nespresso coffee machines because I'm amazing at my job! People who are amazing at their job don't have to point it out.
Actually, that's not how it works anymore.
It's all about promoting your own brand.
Please don't forget to post when you make yourselves an Americano.
I'll put something on my Insta straightaway.
Thanks, Colin.
Oh, wait! Do you think you can make this one post not about Welsh independence? Yeah.
Thank you.
So can I, like, give this back to you and you give me cash? - Is that a thing, or⦠- No.
Oh, yeah.
OK Okay.
All right, what the fuck? Sorry.
It's just this mystery man that I've been talking to on Bantr has just quoted Rilke.
"Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasures".
Oh, that is so hot.
Maybe you're writing letters to a hung poet.
Is that a joke from Sex and The City? No, but thank you.
I love that you're so excited.
That's so Bantr, a place where minds can come to undress.
That's really good.
I'm gonna use that.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still chatting to these other guys on the other dating app, Tumescent.
Yeah, and what was that discourse like? Less revealing, but more revealing.
Jesus, where's the rest of it? Christ.
I mean, shouldn't romance have a little mystery to it? Sure, it depends on what you want.
See? It all comes back to branding, even with love.
Yeah.
Oh, Dani! Enjoy your free coffee.
Oh, I don't drink coffee.
My mother says I was born caffeinated.
Is it okay if I give it to my neighbor? She also doesn't drink coffee but her son does.
And she's trying to encourage more visits from him.
Sure! - ¡Excelente! - Oh, yeah! - Oh, wow.
Look at this.
- Sorry, Nate.
They're actually just for the players.
Oh, good.
I hate free coffee anyway, always tastes so⦠Yeah.
Fine.
Hello, Rebecca.
Hello, Higgins.
What can I help you with? Payroll.
We have an inquiry from AFC Wrexham.
Just got a call from their new owners, showbiz magnates Rob McElhenney and Ryan Reynolds.
I can't tell if them buying the club is a joke or not, so I haven't replied to them yet.
Right.
Did you just see what was on my screen? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I have five boys.
I never look over anyone's shoulders to see what's on their screens.
I used to.
Oh, apologies! That's my wife.
I'll ring her back later.
Keeps it fresh.
But I'll just text her real quick to let her know that.
So your ringtone for your wife is "She's a Rainbow" by the Rolling Stones? - Yeah.
- That's awfully affectionate.
Yeah, well, it's our song.
It was playing the moment we met.
And it's not an exaggeration.
She really is my rainbow.
It is so odd to imagine you young.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
I was the only kid in primary school with sciatica.
I had a gelatinous L4 and five.
Leslie, do you mind me asking, when you first met your wife, how did you put yourself across? You know, what was your brand? "Brand"? Well, you know, the night I met my wife, I was attempting to be a brooding punk with hair spiked out to here.
And then "She's a Rainbow" came on and I started playing upright air bass but I had a pint in my hand and ended up pouring beer all over my head.
Everyone in the bar laughed, except one person who handed me a damp, disgusting bar towel.
And I've been married to her for 29 years.
I suppose⦠the best brand is just being yourself.
It's fine.
- Nate? - Yeah? Do you need something? No, me? No, me? No, thank you.
No, but Actually, there is possibly one thing you might be able to help with.
Yeah, come sit down.
Oh, thank you.
Can you make me famous? No! Nate, you don't wanna be famous.
I don't? No! There'll be photographers all up your bum.
Oh.
Yuck.
Yeah, and tabloids going through your rubbish.
I don't want that.
- Groupies everywhere? - That's not horrible.
Nate.
Come on.
You are who you are because of who you are.
Your intelligence and your talent.
You don't wanna go messing around with fame.
I don't know, being famous seems to have some perks though, right? Famous people get sent so much free shit.
Lot of the time they don't figure out what they want.
I know what I want.
A window table at a restaurant.
Is that it? Well, that plus maybe some of those groupies you mentioned earlier, but No, obviously not.
That's that's degrading.
I didn't mean to Sorry.
Come with me.
Come on! Nathan needs a table at a restaurant.
Excellent.
Alain Ducasse at The Dorchester? L'Atelier Robuchon.
Chiltern Firehouse! No It's A Taste of Athens in Tooting.
Did he just say, "Tooting"? Tooting.
It's his parents' favorite place.
Well, it's the place that my dad complains about the least.
Wait, you can't get a table at something called "A Taste of Athens" in Tooting? No, it's impossible.
All right.
Well, there's a simple solution to that.
I'll just buy the restaurant.
Well, you know the saying? "You buy a man a table, he eats once.
You teach a man how to get a table and he eats at that restaurant until it becomes a Starbucks.
" Oh, this is silly! Nathan, just be assertive.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Brilliant.
Spectacular.
Lovely.
Wonderful.
It's wonderful.
Perfect.
Sorry, we just No.
Oh, my God.
We've got work to do.
I told you, either you take down my photo or you start giving me free kebabs.
7.
50, mate.
Fair enough.
No way! Fancy running into you here, after asking Keeley where you were and scootin' my boot right over, that is.
She told me to expect a mustachioed surprise that would anger me.
I thought it was gonna be Wario or my great-aunt Natalie.
I don't know what makes your aunt Natalie so great, but I appreciate your effusiveness, despite her appearance.
I'll have what he's having.
Why are you bothering me at my kebab place? This is like my church.
Who knew transubstantiation could happen with a pita? What do you think about joining the coaching staff? Fuck off.
That's a solid negotiation tactic right there.
I don't wanna coach.
I like what I'm doing and I'm good at it.
People tweet about me, with JIFs and everything.
I know some folks pronounce it "GIFs", but I hear you.
Look, if you enjoy doing the whole pundit thing, then you should do it for the rest of your life.
Why won't you let me be happy? - Here you go, mate.
- Thank you.
- You two are father and son, right? - What? No.
I'm his former coach.
It's all the same thing.
You two remind me of me and my old man when I told him I was leaving medical school a week before graduation.
I bet that's a story.
Would have made a great doctor too.
I was really good at it.
Bedside manner, reading charts, cutting up shit.
But it's just not what I was meant to do.
What? I love making a doner kebab.
Anyway, how's that kebab, my friend? Well, to quote Drizzy, it's the best I ever had.
Good, right? Cool.
Look, Roy, all kibbles and bits aside, I'm really just here to ask you for a favor for an old friend.
One Mr.
Isaac McAdoo.
He's all up in his head, isn't he? Yes, he is.
And I need him to check out of there by Saturday.
You got any ideas? Let me finish my kebab and pray on it.
Right there.
For the collection plate.
Later, skater.
Well, this place is ruined now.
Hello, sir.
Can I help you? Yes.
Nathan Shelley, party of three.
Let's see, Mr.
Shelby.
Yes, Shelby.
Sorry, I should have said Shelby.
No.
That is not your name.
- It's pretty close.
- No, no! Start again, from the top.
- May I help you? - Yes, Shelley, party of three.
Yes! Mr.
Shelfy.
It's Shelley, and you know it, you dithering kestrel! - Jesus.
- No.
Too much.
You don't need to be loud, Nathan.
You just need to be commanding.
With all due respect, it's different for me, Miss Welton.
You command every room you walk into.
Oh Hardly.
Have you ever been in a room full of football club chairmen? No.
Every time I walk into one of those meetings, they look at me like some schoolgirl with pigtails.
- Oh, you'd look well fit with pigtails.
- I do.
But I have a secret: I make myself big.
Before I go into the room, I find somewhere private, I stand up on my tiptoes, put my arms in the air and make myself as big as possible to feel my own power.
Like this.
Fuck, you're amazing.
Let's invade France.
It's a bit silly, but it works for me.
Find your own thing.
But don't back down, Nathan.
You deserve whatever you want.
Yeah.
What the hell are we gonna do with Roy anyway? Same thing you do when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros, hell if I know.
Look, Roy just told me to bring you to this address, ready to play.
I didn't press him for details.
You know how he gets.
- Fucking crabby, ain't he? - Heck yeah.
Ain't no side-eye like a Roy Kent side-eye.
It's like he's 24-7 hangry.
366 on leap years, baby.
Seriously, do you know where you're going? Well, no.
This is it.
Here, I'll just text him.
Let him know we're here.
- Yeah, Roy? - McAdoo.
What we doing here? What See that block of flats? - What? The shit one? - That's where I grew up.
This⦠This is where I lived.
Where I learned football.
Every fucking day.
And during my career, when I was going through a bad patch, I'd come back here and play.
This is Isaac.
These are all the other fucks.
You're with them.
You what? You expect me to play with them? I'm a professional, mate.
I'll fucking kill 'em.
We'll see.
- What about me? What do I get to do? - Nothing.
Come on.
Can I keep score? Fine.
All right, I'm gonna use my fingers.
It's zero-zero! - Nil-nil.
- It is nil-nil.
Hello.
Shelley, party of three.
Let's see, Shelley.
No! My name Sorry, yes, that's correct.
In fact, that's all our names.
That's my dad there and my mum as well.
Yeah, we're all Shelleys.
- A gaggle of Shelleys.
- Stop blabbing up the young lady.
- Your mother's hungry.
- Stop it, Lloyd.
Forgive your father, my darling.
He's been wanting this saganaki all week.
As you may remember, it's their 35th wedding anniversary.
Jade.
Of course.
Right this way.
Sorry, if you remember, I requested the window table? Sorry, we don't take reservations for the window table.
Excuse me one moment.
You are Nathan fucking Shelley.
Be right back.
Don't get too comfortable.
Jade, this is a special night for my parents, and the window table is open.
So, here is what I would love to see happen.
You're gonna give us that table, and then my family and I are gonna order a starter, main course, little dessert, a bottle of wine.
And you are going to be stunned by how quickly a gaggle of Shelleys can get through a three-course meal and get out of here.
So what do you say? Okay.
Mum, Dad.
Perhaps you'd like to give me your number as well? No, that's okay.
Sorry, I'm picky.
Me too.
I I'm not a dog.
Thank you.
Hey, Roy! Sure you don't wanna play? You on one leg is better than this fool on two.
Take that, you little bitch.
Easy, mate.
I think you hurt him.
Emotionally.
What the fuck, Roy? Did you bring me 'round here to get my leg broke? No.
I brought you here to remind you that football is a fucking game that you used to play as a fucking kid.
'Cause it was fun, even when you were getting your fucking legs broken or your fucking feelings hurt.
So, fuck your feelings, fuck your overthinking, fuck all that bullshit, go back out there and have some fucking fun.
All right, game on.
Was that all right? That was great.
Too many fucks? I don't know.
Kinda like all the nipples in that movie, Showgirls.
Halfway through, you don't even notice.
You just kinda get sucked into the narrative.
I dated Gina Gershon once.
That makes me happy.
Get off me! Come on.
All right.
Come on! You gotta be kidding me.
Come on! McAdoodle-doo! McAdoodle-doo! Come on! Nice work tonight, Coach.
Do you really think I'm gonna fall for this shit? Fall for what? You're trying to get me to come back to the club and coach.
It won't work.
Roy, I got zero interest Excuse me, nil interest in making you do something that ain't in your heart.
So, you're really not playing games? Maybe a little.
I'm sorry, Roy, but I came here tonight 'cause when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life coaching with somebody, you want the rest of your life to begin ASAP.
Please stop.
You complete our team.
You're an asshole.
I'm also just a coach, standing in front of a boy, - asking him if - Listen, I'm never coming back to Richmond.
Not now, not ever.
Now fuck off.
As you wish.
Hey, I'm sorry about that, Coach.
- Set your alarm for p.
m.
instead of a.
m.
? - Yes, sir, Steve Kerr.
Thank you.
- Still, you got down here pretty quick.
- Yeah, well, I think a fella should only take as long as the tune "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey to get dressed in the morning.
- Makes sense.
- Yeah.
It is a beautiful Saturday, and we are playing Sheffield Wednesday.
- Aka "The Owls.
" - Hey, how 'bout that? Hey, you never finished your joke.
What joke? What does a British owl say? Oh, right.
Whom.
Whom.
Worth the wait.
We had season tickets for Richmond.
My family was well-off.
I was a young punk that snuck in every week.
My father wanted us in the best seats in the house.
I sat there because she was there.
My mother and my boyfriend were furious.
They wanted to call security to kick him out.
But she insisted that I should stay.
- And we fell in love.
- And we fell in love.
Years later, a close friend of the family used the same story line for the film Titanic.
And we've been in litigation ever since.
- Together.
- Together.
- Come on, Richmond! - Richmond! Just stop with the foreplay.
Tell him you own Richmond and that you're fucking fit.
- Coach.
- Doctor.
Floor.
Ceiling.
Trash can.
Now you go.
I was just checking in.
See how you're feeling.
Oh, well, that's mighty nice of you.
How am I feeling? I don't know, you know? I I'm just dealing with the terror of knowing what this world is about, you know? Watching a few good friends screaming to let them out.
So, you're feeling under pressure? Ba ba ba be doo Well, my door is always open.
Then why even have one? Heck, Coach Beard could take that thing out for ya Jack Torrance style with eight good whacks.
Five good whacks.
Lumberjack World Championship qualifier, baby! That man has had many lives, many masters.
Oh, snap! Hottie alert.
Look at this guy.
Hot-cha-cha.
Game day suit.
I love it.
Not too much? What? Too much class? No such thing.
If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
Hey, I appreciate you checking in, Doc.
All right.
Let's go, Greyhounds! And we're back.
Let's round off the Premier League with Arsenal heading on the road to Newcastle, where 17-year-old Matthew Kerr will make his debut.
They're calling him the Irish Ronaldo.
What can we expect today? Well, I think we can expect to see a commanding performance from the lad.
Roy, what do you think he'll do today? I don't know.
He's 17.
He'll probably have chips for dinner and a wank before bed.
Oh, apologies for the language.
Roy, I was looking for some insight about how he'll play.
I told you, I don't know.
All we do is sit around here and guess what a bunch of little pricks are gonna go and do out there, then we come back at halftime, and we complain 'cause they didn't do exactly what we thought they'd do.
We don't know.
Of course we don't know.
We're not in the locker rooms with them.
We're not on the pitch with them.
We can't look 'em in the eyes and encourage them to be better than they ever thought they were capable of being.
We're just We're just on the outside looking in.
Judging them.
Okay, Roy.
Well, here's a look at your old team warming up in an interesting new way.
Hey! Look, it's all pretty loosey-goosey, isn't it? Especially for a team that's at the business end of the relegation zone.
But it is good to see McAdoo with a smile on his face.
He's been a shadow of himself all season.
I wonder what's gotten into him.
Oh, dang.
Yeah, come on, now.
Come on, man.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
Pow.
There you go.
All right.
Gentleman.
Bloody cold out there today.
Bet you don't miss that, Roy.
What? Said, I bet you don't miss the cold, hey, Roy? I miss all of it.
'Scuse me.
- What are you doing? - I'm sorry, fellas.
This isn't what I'm meant to do.
Roy! Jeff, I have to go.
Thank you.
Cheers, Ben.
- You're Roy Kent.
- No, I'm not.
All right, I am.
Take me to Nelson Road.
No.
Headed home.
It's me anniversary, mate, and I haven't bought a present.
Fuck.
Right, my wife loves cash.
Cheers.
Sorry, mate, this is as far as I can get ya.
I'll tell you the thing Nikki Sixx said in the MÃtley Crüe Behind the Music.
- "You gotta date your wife.
" - Thanks, Roy.
Fuck! Fuck.
Fuck.
You see this new watch? You get me to Nelson Road in ten minutes, it's yours.
Get in.
Cheers.
No! - I've gotta get in there.
- Do you have a ticket? - I can't let anyone in without a ticket.
- I'm Roy Kent.
- He does look like him.
- A little.
Around the mouth.
For fuck's sake.
I believe you're holding a ticket for Reba McEntire.
Good to see you back, Reba.
Dad.
Dad.
- Enjoy the game.
- Fuck you.
It is you.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Look! Holy shit.
He's here! He's there! He's every fucking where! Roy Kent! Roy Kent! He's here! Here's there! He's every fucking where! Roy Kent! Roy Kent! Hello, Coach.
- Really glad you decided to - Shut up.
Just shut up.
You had me at "Coach.
"
Sorry, I was waiting for you to ask if if I needed anything.
So, this is my mom and dad's favorite restaurant and Friday's their 35th wedding anniversary, Jade.
How do you know my name? Oh, I don't.
That's what the 35th wedding anniversary is: Jade.
Oh, weird.
What time, then? Oh, 7:30, three people and really wanna make sure we get the window table.
You've got all the divisions⦠I have to talk to Derrick.
â¦former England international⦠Chris Kamara.
It was an unbelievable performance.
Do you mind just turning that up? Thank you.
I couldn't believe it! Looking into the championship now, Roy, your old mob in Richmond, struggling.
There are a lot of theories as to why that might be.
One that's gaining traction is a lack of leadership from your successor as captain, Isaac McAdoo.
Isaac's a good lad.
He'll find his way.
You know, under Ted Lasso, Richmond, well, they're like a woman behind the wheel: completely lost! George! Didn't you lose your license drink driving? That was an allergic reaction to my medication.
The same medication that made you piss your pants? Nothing coming up⦠So, did Did the Hey.
Hi.
Good news.
We can set aside the table in the corner for you.
Wonderful.
I just I would really like the window table, you know, just to impress my dad.
I'm sorry.
I can't guarantee a reservation for the window table.
I know Roy Kent, if that's Is he your dad? No.
Well, please let us know if Mr.
Kent ever wants the window table.
Okay.
Thank you.
Jan Maas, that's shit defending.
Yes, that goal was entirely my fault.
I don't wanna hear it.
We need to get our shit together! Hey, hit pause for me, will you? Hey, fellas.
No, I gave you an indoor whistle.
Listen, I don't care what our record is, but I hear the chatter, people saying there's something wrong with us.
Not the way I see it, okay? And here's why: I believe in communism.
Rom-communism, that is.
What is rom-communism? Well, Bumbercatch, it is a worldview that reminds us that romantic comedies with folks like Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan or Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant or Who am I missing, Coach? Drew Barrymore? - Matthew McConaughey, obviously.
- All right, all right.
Yeah.
- The three Kates.
- Yeah, Beckinsale, Hudson, Winslet.
- You forgot Blanchett.
- Different spelling.
I enjoy Renée Zellweger and all the Bridget Jones movies.
I mean, her accent is pitch perfect and her gift of physical comedy is grossly underrated.
- Word! - Hell yeah! - Absolutely! - I saw Judy⦠All right, you've gotta give it up for Zellweger.
Look, point is, fellas, if all those attractive people with their amazing apartments and interesting jobs, usually in some creative field, can go through some lighthearted struggles and still end up happy, then so can we.
Jennifer Lopez! That's a great call, Dani, and not at all a beat too late.
Gentlemen, believing in rom-communism is all about believing that everything's gonna work out in the end.
Now these next few months might be tricky, but that's just 'cause we're going through our dark forest.
Fairy tales do not start, nor do they end in the dark forest.
That son of a gun always shows up smack-dab in the middle of a story.
But it will all work out.
Now, it may not work out how you think it will or how you hope it does, but believe me, it will all work out.
Exactly as it's supposed to.
Our job is to have zero expectations and just let go.
Now, you heard him! We need to stop playing like shit! Yeah, not exactly what I said, but I appreciate you, Isaac.
Okay, let's watch the second half.
Come on, Coach.
Hey, anyone know what's going on with Isaac? I got no idea.
No.
Maybe it's piles.
I've accepted "aubergine" and "snogging", but "piles" I will not abide.
Wait a second, we play Sheffield Wednesday? - Saturday.
- Oh, we're playing Sheffield Saturday? Sheffield Wednesday, Saturday.
We gotta play 'em twice in the same week? The club is called Sheffield Wednesday.
We play them on Saturday.
They're called Sheffield Wednesday because they used to only play on Wednesdays.
But nowadays they play on whatever day they feel like, including, but not limited to, Saturdays, which, again, is the day we will be playing them.
This Saturday? I can't.
I got plans.
- I'm leaving.
- Oh, come on.
- Hey, Doc.
- Good afternoon.
Coach Lasso, is Isaac okay? No, ma'am, he is not.
He's a wigwam in a tepee right now.
What does that mean? - He's too tense.
- Boom! He's wound tighter than my nan's hairnet.
That only makes sense if you know my nan, but when she wears a hairnet, it looks like puppies are trying to escape from it.
I am not crazy.
- Do you want me to talk to Isaac? - No.
That's okay.
We got it.
I know exactly what Isaac needs.
Thank you, though.
Okay.
- What does Isaac need? - Oh, I have no idea.
No, usually in this situation I'd have a player talk to the team captain before I intervened.
- But Isaac's our captain.
- Exactly.
And I can't very well ask Isaac to pull himself aside.
'Cause that would be dangerously close to messing with the, what's it? - The dark arts? - No, no.
Space-time continuum? That's it, yeah.
- Oh.
- Fact is, Isaac is a big dog, you know? So he's only going to respond to a big dog himself.
I'll do it.
Oh, you're being serious? You didn't laugh.
- You knew he was being serious? - Yeah, man.
Shoot.
Busted.
I'm sorry about that, Nate.
But I do appreciate the offer, you know? I think we gotta get him a real big dog.
Yeah, no, goo Me too.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Let's see here.
I'm okay with "fanny".
One, two, three⦠Did you just giggle? I don't know.
Did I? Maybe.
And now you're doubling down as Shy Rebecca, who is a fictional character.
She does not actually exist, so something's up.
Hey, boys! Come get your free Nespresso coffee machines because I'm amazing at my job! People who are amazing at their job don't have to point it out.
Actually, that's not how it works anymore.
It's all about promoting your own brand.
Please don't forget to post when you make yourselves an Americano.
I'll put something on my Insta straightaway.
Thanks, Colin.
Oh, wait! Do you think you can make this one post not about Welsh independence? Yeah.
Thank you.
So can I, like, give this back to you and you give me cash? - Is that a thing, or⦠- No.
Oh, yeah.
OK Okay.
All right, what the fuck? Sorry.
It's just this mystery man that I've been talking to on Bantr has just quoted Rilke.
"Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasures".
Oh, that is so hot.
Maybe you're writing letters to a hung poet.
Is that a joke from Sex and The City? No, but thank you.
I love that you're so excited.
That's so Bantr, a place where minds can come to undress.
That's really good.
I'm gonna use that.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still chatting to these other guys on the other dating app, Tumescent.
Yeah, and what was that discourse like? Less revealing, but more revealing.
Jesus, where's the rest of it? Christ.
I mean, shouldn't romance have a little mystery to it? Sure, it depends on what you want.
See? It all comes back to branding, even with love.
Yeah.
Oh, Dani! Enjoy your free coffee.
Oh, I don't drink coffee.
My mother says I was born caffeinated.
Is it okay if I give it to my neighbor? She also doesn't drink coffee but her son does.
And she's trying to encourage more visits from him.
Sure! - ¡Excelente! - Oh, yeah! - Oh, wow.
Look at this.
- Sorry, Nate.
They're actually just for the players.
Oh, good.
I hate free coffee anyway, always tastes so⦠Yeah.
Fine.
Hello, Rebecca.
Hello, Higgins.
What can I help you with? Payroll.
We have an inquiry from AFC Wrexham.
Just got a call from their new owners, showbiz magnates Rob McElhenney and Ryan Reynolds.
I can't tell if them buying the club is a joke or not, so I haven't replied to them yet.
Right.
Did you just see what was on my screen? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I have five boys.
I never look over anyone's shoulders to see what's on their screens.
I used to.
Oh, apologies! That's my wife.
I'll ring her back later.
Keeps it fresh.
But I'll just text her real quick to let her know that.
So your ringtone for your wife is "She's a Rainbow" by the Rolling Stones? - Yeah.
- That's awfully affectionate.
Yeah, well, it's our song.
It was playing the moment we met.
And it's not an exaggeration.
She really is my rainbow.
It is so odd to imagine you young.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
I was the only kid in primary school with sciatica.
I had a gelatinous L4 and five.
Leslie, do you mind me asking, when you first met your wife, how did you put yourself across? You know, what was your brand? "Brand"? Well, you know, the night I met my wife, I was attempting to be a brooding punk with hair spiked out to here.
And then "She's a Rainbow" came on and I started playing upright air bass but I had a pint in my hand and ended up pouring beer all over my head.
Everyone in the bar laughed, except one person who handed me a damp, disgusting bar towel.
And I've been married to her for 29 years.
I suppose⦠the best brand is just being yourself.
It's fine.
- Nate? - Yeah? Do you need something? No, me? No, me? No, thank you.
No, but Actually, there is possibly one thing you might be able to help with.
Yeah, come sit down.
Oh, thank you.
Can you make me famous? No! Nate, you don't wanna be famous.
I don't? No! There'll be photographers all up your bum.
Oh.
Yuck.
Yeah, and tabloids going through your rubbish.
I don't want that.
- Groupies everywhere? - That's not horrible.
Nate.
Come on.
You are who you are because of who you are.
Your intelligence and your talent.
You don't wanna go messing around with fame.
I don't know, being famous seems to have some perks though, right? Famous people get sent so much free shit.
Lot of the time they don't figure out what they want.
I know what I want.
A window table at a restaurant.
Is that it? Well, that plus maybe some of those groupies you mentioned earlier, but No, obviously not.
That's that's degrading.
I didn't mean to Sorry.
Come with me.
Come on! Nathan needs a table at a restaurant.
Excellent.
Alain Ducasse at The Dorchester? L'Atelier Robuchon.
Chiltern Firehouse! No It's A Taste of Athens in Tooting.
Did he just say, "Tooting"? Tooting.
It's his parents' favorite place.
Well, it's the place that my dad complains about the least.
Wait, you can't get a table at something called "A Taste of Athens" in Tooting? No, it's impossible.
All right.
Well, there's a simple solution to that.
I'll just buy the restaurant.
Well, you know the saying? "You buy a man a table, he eats once.
You teach a man how to get a table and he eats at that restaurant until it becomes a Starbucks.
" Oh, this is silly! Nathan, just be assertive.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Brilliant.
Spectacular.
Lovely.
Wonderful.
It's wonderful.
Perfect.
Sorry, we just No.
Oh, my God.
We've got work to do.
I told you, either you take down my photo or you start giving me free kebabs.
7.
50, mate.
Fair enough.
No way! Fancy running into you here, after asking Keeley where you were and scootin' my boot right over, that is.
She told me to expect a mustachioed surprise that would anger me.
I thought it was gonna be Wario or my great-aunt Natalie.
I don't know what makes your aunt Natalie so great, but I appreciate your effusiveness, despite her appearance.
I'll have what he's having.
Why are you bothering me at my kebab place? This is like my church.
Who knew transubstantiation could happen with a pita? What do you think about joining the coaching staff? Fuck off.
That's a solid negotiation tactic right there.
I don't wanna coach.
I like what I'm doing and I'm good at it.
People tweet about me, with JIFs and everything.
I know some folks pronounce it "GIFs", but I hear you.
Look, if you enjoy doing the whole pundit thing, then you should do it for the rest of your life.
Why won't you let me be happy? - Here you go, mate.
- Thank you.
- You two are father and son, right? - What? No.
I'm his former coach.
It's all the same thing.
You two remind me of me and my old man when I told him I was leaving medical school a week before graduation.
I bet that's a story.
Would have made a great doctor too.
I was really good at it.
Bedside manner, reading charts, cutting up shit.
But it's just not what I was meant to do.
What? I love making a doner kebab.
Anyway, how's that kebab, my friend? Well, to quote Drizzy, it's the best I ever had.
Good, right? Cool.
Look, Roy, all kibbles and bits aside, I'm really just here to ask you for a favor for an old friend.
One Mr.
Isaac McAdoo.
He's all up in his head, isn't he? Yes, he is.
And I need him to check out of there by Saturday.
You got any ideas? Let me finish my kebab and pray on it.
Right there.
For the collection plate.
Later, skater.
Well, this place is ruined now.
Hello, sir.
Can I help you? Yes.
Nathan Shelley, party of three.
Let's see, Mr.
Shelby.
Yes, Shelby.
Sorry, I should have said Shelby.
No.
That is not your name.
- It's pretty close.
- No, no! Start again, from the top.
- May I help you? - Yes, Shelley, party of three.
Yes! Mr.
Shelfy.
It's Shelley, and you know it, you dithering kestrel! - Jesus.
- No.
Too much.
You don't need to be loud, Nathan.
You just need to be commanding.
With all due respect, it's different for me, Miss Welton.
You command every room you walk into.
Oh Hardly.
Have you ever been in a room full of football club chairmen? No.
Every time I walk into one of those meetings, they look at me like some schoolgirl with pigtails.
- Oh, you'd look well fit with pigtails.
- I do.
But I have a secret: I make myself big.
Before I go into the room, I find somewhere private, I stand up on my tiptoes, put my arms in the air and make myself as big as possible to feel my own power.
Like this.
Fuck, you're amazing.
Let's invade France.
It's a bit silly, but it works for me.
Find your own thing.
But don't back down, Nathan.
You deserve whatever you want.
Yeah.
What the hell are we gonna do with Roy anyway? Same thing you do when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros, hell if I know.
Look, Roy just told me to bring you to this address, ready to play.
I didn't press him for details.
You know how he gets.
- Fucking crabby, ain't he? - Heck yeah.
Ain't no side-eye like a Roy Kent side-eye.
It's like he's 24-7 hangry.
366 on leap years, baby.
Seriously, do you know where you're going? Well, no.
This is it.
Here, I'll just text him.
Let him know we're here.
- Yeah, Roy? - McAdoo.
What we doing here? What See that block of flats? - What? The shit one? - That's where I grew up.
This⦠This is where I lived.
Where I learned football.
Every fucking day.
And during my career, when I was going through a bad patch, I'd come back here and play.
This is Isaac.
These are all the other fucks.
You're with them.
You what? You expect me to play with them? I'm a professional, mate.
I'll fucking kill 'em.
We'll see.
- What about me? What do I get to do? - Nothing.
Come on.
Can I keep score? Fine.
All right, I'm gonna use my fingers.
It's zero-zero! - Nil-nil.
- It is nil-nil.
Hello.
Shelley, party of three.
Let's see, Shelley.
No! My name Sorry, yes, that's correct.
In fact, that's all our names.
That's my dad there and my mum as well.
Yeah, we're all Shelleys.
- A gaggle of Shelleys.
- Stop blabbing up the young lady.
- Your mother's hungry.
- Stop it, Lloyd.
Forgive your father, my darling.
He's been wanting this saganaki all week.
As you may remember, it's their 35th wedding anniversary.
Jade.
Of course.
Right this way.
Sorry, if you remember, I requested the window table? Sorry, we don't take reservations for the window table.
Excuse me one moment.
You are Nathan fucking Shelley.
Be right back.
Don't get too comfortable.
Jade, this is a special night for my parents, and the window table is open.
So, here is what I would love to see happen.
You're gonna give us that table, and then my family and I are gonna order a starter, main course, little dessert, a bottle of wine.
And you are going to be stunned by how quickly a gaggle of Shelleys can get through a three-course meal and get out of here.
So what do you say? Okay.
Mum, Dad.
Perhaps you'd like to give me your number as well? No, that's okay.
Sorry, I'm picky.
Me too.
I I'm not a dog.
Thank you.
Hey, Roy! Sure you don't wanna play? You on one leg is better than this fool on two.
Take that, you little bitch.
Easy, mate.
I think you hurt him.
Emotionally.
What the fuck, Roy? Did you bring me 'round here to get my leg broke? No.
I brought you here to remind you that football is a fucking game that you used to play as a fucking kid.
'Cause it was fun, even when you were getting your fucking legs broken or your fucking feelings hurt.
So, fuck your feelings, fuck your overthinking, fuck all that bullshit, go back out there and have some fucking fun.
All right, game on.
Was that all right? That was great.
Too many fucks? I don't know.
Kinda like all the nipples in that movie, Showgirls.
Halfway through, you don't even notice.
You just kinda get sucked into the narrative.
I dated Gina Gershon once.
That makes me happy.
Get off me! Come on.
All right.
Come on! You gotta be kidding me.
Come on! McAdoodle-doo! McAdoodle-doo! Come on! Nice work tonight, Coach.
Do you really think I'm gonna fall for this shit? Fall for what? You're trying to get me to come back to the club and coach.
It won't work.
Roy, I got zero interest Excuse me, nil interest in making you do something that ain't in your heart.
So, you're really not playing games? Maybe a little.
I'm sorry, Roy, but I came here tonight 'cause when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life coaching with somebody, you want the rest of your life to begin ASAP.
Please stop.
You complete our team.
You're an asshole.
I'm also just a coach, standing in front of a boy, - asking him if - Listen, I'm never coming back to Richmond.
Not now, not ever.
Now fuck off.
As you wish.
Hey, I'm sorry about that, Coach.
- Set your alarm for p.
m.
instead of a.
m.
? - Yes, sir, Steve Kerr.
Thank you.
- Still, you got down here pretty quick.
- Yeah, well, I think a fella should only take as long as the tune "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey to get dressed in the morning.
- Makes sense.
- Yeah.
It is a beautiful Saturday, and we are playing Sheffield Wednesday.
- Aka "The Owls.
" - Hey, how 'bout that? Hey, you never finished your joke.
What joke? What does a British owl say? Oh, right.
Whom.
Whom.
Worth the wait.
We had season tickets for Richmond.
My family was well-off.
I was a young punk that snuck in every week.
My father wanted us in the best seats in the house.
I sat there because she was there.
My mother and my boyfriend were furious.
They wanted to call security to kick him out.
But she insisted that I should stay.
- And we fell in love.
- And we fell in love.
Years later, a close friend of the family used the same story line for the film Titanic.
And we've been in litigation ever since.
- Together.
- Together.
- Come on, Richmond! - Richmond! Just stop with the foreplay.
Tell him you own Richmond and that you're fucking fit.
- Coach.
- Doctor.
Floor.
Ceiling.
Trash can.
Now you go.
I was just checking in.
See how you're feeling.
Oh, well, that's mighty nice of you.
How am I feeling? I don't know, you know? I I'm just dealing with the terror of knowing what this world is about, you know? Watching a few good friends screaming to let them out.
So, you're feeling under pressure? Ba ba ba be doo Well, my door is always open.
Then why even have one? Heck, Coach Beard could take that thing out for ya Jack Torrance style with eight good whacks.
Five good whacks.
Lumberjack World Championship qualifier, baby! That man has had many lives, many masters.
Oh, snap! Hottie alert.
Look at this guy.
Hot-cha-cha.
Game day suit.
I love it.
Not too much? What? Too much class? No such thing.
If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
Hey, I appreciate you checking in, Doc.
All right.
Let's go, Greyhounds! And we're back.
Let's round off the Premier League with Arsenal heading on the road to Newcastle, where 17-year-old Matthew Kerr will make his debut.
They're calling him the Irish Ronaldo.
What can we expect today? Well, I think we can expect to see a commanding performance from the lad.
Roy, what do you think he'll do today? I don't know.
He's 17.
He'll probably have chips for dinner and a wank before bed.
Oh, apologies for the language.
Roy, I was looking for some insight about how he'll play.
I told you, I don't know.
All we do is sit around here and guess what a bunch of little pricks are gonna go and do out there, then we come back at halftime, and we complain 'cause they didn't do exactly what we thought they'd do.
We don't know.
Of course we don't know.
We're not in the locker rooms with them.
We're not on the pitch with them.
We can't look 'em in the eyes and encourage them to be better than they ever thought they were capable of being.
We're just We're just on the outside looking in.
Judging them.
Okay, Roy.
Well, here's a look at your old team warming up in an interesting new way.
Hey! Look, it's all pretty loosey-goosey, isn't it? Especially for a team that's at the business end of the relegation zone.
But it is good to see McAdoo with a smile on his face.
He's been a shadow of himself all season.
I wonder what's gotten into him.
Oh, dang.
Yeah, come on, now.
Come on, man.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
Pow.
There you go.
All right.
Gentleman.
Bloody cold out there today.
Bet you don't miss that, Roy.
What? Said, I bet you don't miss the cold, hey, Roy? I miss all of it.
'Scuse me.
- What are you doing? - I'm sorry, fellas.
This isn't what I'm meant to do.
Roy! Jeff, I have to go.
Thank you.
Cheers, Ben.
- You're Roy Kent.
- No, I'm not.
All right, I am.
Take me to Nelson Road.
No.
Headed home.
It's me anniversary, mate, and I haven't bought a present.
Fuck.
Right, my wife loves cash.
Cheers.
Sorry, mate, this is as far as I can get ya.
I'll tell you the thing Nikki Sixx said in the MÃtley Crüe Behind the Music.
- "You gotta date your wife.
" - Thanks, Roy.
Fuck! Fuck.
Fuck.
You see this new watch? You get me to Nelson Road in ten minutes, it's yours.
Get in.
Cheers.
No! - I've gotta get in there.
- Do you have a ticket? - I can't let anyone in without a ticket.
- I'm Roy Kent.
- He does look like him.
- A little.
Around the mouth.
For fuck's sake.
I believe you're holding a ticket for Reba McEntire.
Good to see you back, Reba.
Dad.
Dad.
- Enjoy the game.
- Fuck you.
It is you.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Look! Holy shit.
He's here! He's there! He's every fucking where! Roy Kent! Roy Kent! He's here! Here's there! He's every fucking where! Roy Kent! Roy Kent! Hello, Coach.
- Really glad you decided to - Shut up.
Just shut up.
You had me at "Coach.
"