Ted Lasso (2020) s01e10 Episode Script

The Hope That Kills You

1 Right.
Who the hell are you? Oh, hi! Hello.
I'm I'm Will.
I'm the new clubhouse attendant.
No, you're not.
I'm the clubhouse attendant.
Hey, Higgins, where are you? Ted, what the fuck's going on? I don't know.
I'm trying to figure it out myself.
- Figure what out? Have I been sacked? - Has he been fired? I don't know anything about this, Ted.
- There you are.
- There you are.
- Is this because I called Isaac a pussy? - I don't know Good morning, everyone.
You shrew.
You did this, didn't you? Why so hostile, Nathan? Right, I'll tell you why You know my name? Well, I had to spell it correctly for your contract.
Nate-dawg, you haven't been fired.
It's worse.
You've been promoted.
Nate! Nate! Nate! Ooh.
Nathan Shelley, I present to you this whistle.
But it is sad.
Do you know why? - No.
- Because it has never been blown.
Is that the same reason why Colin's sad? By the power vested in me by the Associative Football Club of Richmond, I now pronounce you Coach Nate.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you.
No, no! Not inside.
It got confusing, 'cause they don't call it jock itch here.
So you didn't know what spray to buy? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
What'd you go with? Mr Muscle.
Hey, Roy.
Not sure if you know this, but the rules say you gotta pick a new captain.
No, sir.
You're my captain.
That's the rule.
The, uh, captain has to be on the pitch.
That's the rule.
I say that the current captain has to pick the new captain.
That's my new rule.
Don't want to.
Well, you have to.
- I decline.
- I insist.
Can't make me.
Roy Kent, until you choose your successor, your duties as captain of this squad remain unfulfilled.
This is why it's hard to love you.
You heard it, right? He loves you.
All right, gang.
Here's the unskinny bop.
Manchester City is coming into our house for the final match, but preparation-wise, we gonna treat it like it's any other game.
But it's not just any other game.
We could get relegated.
We got relegated when I was at Cardiff.
It's my family's team.
My nana never spoke to me after that.
She just left me a box of her shit in her will.
Yeah, and when clubs go down, teams get broken up.
Coach, do they not have relegation in America? Oh, no, no, no.
So what happens to all the shit teams at the end of the season? They play out the rest of the schedule, going through the motions in meaningless games contested in lifeless, half-empty stadiums, and everyone's pretty much fine with that.
- That sound about right, Coach? - Yeah, it's dumb.
All right.
Now, Coach Nate No, no, no.
- Not No, not here.
- Not inside.
I was saying, now Coach Nate has a video he wants to show.
Oh, yeah.
So, um, I thought you'd all find this, uh, motivational.
All right.
Amigo Jamie.
Clearly no barbers in Manchester.
Well, I'd never say a bad word about me old club even though I did carry them through every match.
But they're good lads.
Apart from Roy Kent.
He is a knob.
You know, and it's nice to have a real manager like Pep, instead of that American rodeo clown.
You know, Lasso sent me away, now they're facing the drop.
Sunday, I get to put the final nail in the ashes.
Instant karma, it's gonna get ya.
Oops, innit? Well said.
All right, let's go climb that mountain! Okay, so if the Premier League is the best, then what's the league called right below it? The Championship.
Now, hold on one second.
So if you come in last place in the Premier League, you get to play in the Championship? They also invented irony.
Man, this town has got a weird way with words, don't it? I mean, come on, y'all.
It's 2020.
Let's just call 'em cigarettes.
- Oh, God, yeah.
- You know what I mean? Hey.
How you doing, fellas? We, uh, just wanted to say thanks.
Yeah, we know you did your best.
Even though your best is still shit.
- Baz.
- Oh, come on, now.
You're acting like we lost the game already, yeah? Why don't you have a little hope? Aw, Ted.
Haven't you lived here long enough to realize? It's the hope that kills you.
Why don't you text Nate? We got a little work to do tonight, huh? Okay, come on.
We got this.
Look, we win, we're in, okay? There is a scenario where Crystal Palace beat Norwich by six goals, and we avoid relegation with just a tie.
No, no, no.
I hate ties, Nate.
How many times I gotta tell you that? They ain't natural, all right? If God wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn't have invented numbers, all right? Come on, guys.
Let's fire up.
Let's go.
For the love of Meghan Markle, do not blow that whistle again, Nate.
I swear.
- Sorry.
- I got neighbors upstairs, and they will just start stomping away.
Okay? Come on.
Tell me how we beat Manchester City.
- We cannot beat Manchester City.
- Dang it, Nate! That is not what I want to hear from my assistant coach on his first day.
It is hopeless.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's hopeless? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Quick question.
Are those the only clothes you own? This? No, I got three of these.
That ring a bell, Nate? That ring a very large bell in your head? You had that hanging in your home? I got a ton of these hanging up in here.
This one's from the bathroom mirror.
It's the first thing I see every morning, and it's the last thing I see at night when I rationalize being too tired to floss.
Belief can't score goals, Coach.
Well, hello, Nelson.
Let me introduce you to another Nelson right here.
I think you two will hit it off just fine, 'cause you're both so damn pessimistic! Sorry, Ms.
Shipley! I believe the gentleman is suggesting that we are a pair of Negative Nellies.
Oh, right.
Morning, boss.
Here you are.
I sense you're carrying around something today besides biscuits.
Good eye, small fry.
I hate to say it, Rebecca, but I think your football club might have been better off with a soccer coach.
Where's this coming from? Look, if we do end up losing on Sunday, you just go ahead and do whatever you think is best for the future of this club, you understand? Even if that means this guy's gotta go You know, you put that thing, and just You know, whatever you got.
Whatever you wanna do.
I mean, don't really murder me, but, you know, just All that.
You get what I'm getting at? - Fire me.
You get the gist.
- Okay.
So you think you're not a "proper" football manager.
Someone who's never played the game before, or knows the rules.
No, I don't know jack diddly about any of it.
But who cares? There's a great saying in Dutch football.
Oh, I don't speak Dutch.
That's why I was going to tell you in English.
Lay it on me.
"Every disadvantage has its advantage".
Ooh, I like that.
Sure, you don't know what you're doing, but doesn't that mean that you see the game in a different way than any other football manager? And shouldn't that empower you to cause complete and utter confusion? Cause confusion or create chaos.
Yes, it is.
Thanks, boss.
Whoo-hoo! I'm fine.
Oh, my God.
The chaos has already begun.
Whoo! All right, gentlemen.
School is in session.
And today's lesson is "trick plays".
At least, that's what we call 'em back home.
- What do they call 'em here again? - Elaborate set pieces.
Yeah, we gonna stick with "trick plays".
That's a lot more fun.
Now, the idea behind every trick play is to have chaos rain down upon your opponents and stun them.
Much like the lava did to those poor folks in Pompeii.
So, I want y'all to think about every single trick play you have ever run your entire time playing this sport.
Anybody got one? Yeah, Dani, what you got? When I played for Tigres, we had a great set piece.
- Did it have a name? - "The Sandman".
Now we're cooking.
"The Sandman".
We're gonna learn that play today.
Who else got one? - "Pepper Shakers".
- "Pepper Shakers"? Yeah, plural.
Gotta be two.
"Beckham's Todger".
Beckham, I know.
Todger, I don't know.
- It's dirty.
- Okay.
"Midnight Poutine".
- Poutine? - That's not dirty.
It's just super Canadian.
- "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang".
- Oh, with Dick Van Dyke.
The owner of one of the most authentic English accents in the history of cinema.
- What do you got? - "The Broken Tap".
All right.
That's not a complaint, that's an actual play name? Think Man City will leak a lot of goals from it.
Whoa! Oh.
Yeah? - "Loki's Toboggan".
- "The Upside-Down Taxi".
- "Hadrian's Wall".
- "Dirty Martini".
Oh, I'd love to run that play three times right now.
I love it.
Do me a favor and toss "Lasso Special" up there just for the heck of it too.
All right, guys.
Tell you right now, we're gonna go out there, and we're gonna learn a bunch of these plays, you hear? Come Sunday, we're gonna hit Man City with the chaos hammer! - Yeah! - Let's go! No.
Sam, not wax.
- Ah, okay.
- Pomade.
Yo, Jamie Tartt.
It's you, yeah? Let me get an ussie.
A what? Oh.
I can't believe you got dumped by Richmond.
Super embarrassing for you, yeah? Eh, well, I got fucked by Lasso.
So He likes you now though.
He talked about you on telly, didn't he? What are you on about, you posh twat? Trent Crimm, The Independent.
Any bad blood between you and Jamie Tartt? Jamie? No.
That's a special young man right there.
Got talent for days, works hard, and he's got a jawline like the White Cliffs of Dover.
I'm always rootin' for him.
- What? - Classic mind games, innit? Right.
You can fuck off.
Whoa! You're fucking joking.
Oh, yeah, Roy, Jamie's coming over.
Oh, is he? Shall I make scones? I don't like scones.
I'm not making scones, you idiot.
Good, 'cause I don't even like 'em.
What's that? I made you coffee.
Well, then, what's this? I brought you coffee.
All right, Jamie, what was it that you wanted to talk about? Not gonna say it in front of this dry old shit.
Why? He won't say anything.
Will you? Missed.
Ted Lasso is trying to play fucking mind games with me.
Saying nice shit about me on the telly.
Trying to get in my head.
- He does like you.
- You're as full of shit as he is.
Mind your fucking manners.
All right, RoboCop.
Jamie, not everyone in your life is out to get you.
I am.
What? Thought you respected honesty.
I do.
Oh, that is disgusting.
Look, Keeley.
When you're done feeding mushy peas to this old fart, then you give me a call.
Look forward to seeing you tomorrow.
Enjoy the view from the bench.
What? Well, now I want mushy peas.
Dad, when I see you coach soccer on TV, it doesn't look like you're doing anything.
Well, it's 'cause I'm not.
All right? It ain't like being a football coach back home, kiddo.
I got a lot less control, 'cause once the game gets going, I can't tell my fellas what to do.
So I just gotta hope that everything I've been trying to teach 'em made some sort of impact on 'em, and that they'll make the right decisions when they're out there on their own.
You know, it's kind of like being a dad, I guess, huh? How much did you get of that before you checked out? - I drew a robot.
- That's cool, bud.
The Richmond faithful gather on a crucial night.
Win and they stay up.
Lose and they go down.
They come here full of hope, but as they know all too well, it's the hope that kills you.
Oh, this sport.
I'd forgotten how stressful it is when you actually give a shit.
- I have a confession to make.
- Ooh.
I've never really cared about football.
I know.
I know it sounds insane, but I know how to act at a match.
"Referee!" "Offside, you turnip!" - God, you're awful.
- You believed me.
It's just that my heart has never really been in it, you know? But today today, I care very much.
Arlo White here, with former England international, Chris Powell, live from the Dogtrack, Nelson Road Stadium, the home of AFC Richmond, who tonight host the mighty Manchester City.
Yoo-hoo! You like my new shirt? Well, look at you.
It's David meets Goliath.
If David forgot to put his stone in his slingshot, Arlo.
These are on me.
Thanks, Mae.
- Good luck group hug? - No.
- Richmond.
- Richmond.
Okay, here we are.
Family Higgins.
This is Terry, Kris, Dana, Stevie.
How many kids do you have, Higgins? Jesus Christ.
And this is our eldest, Lindsay.
Good evening.
Forgive me, Father.
Don't worry.
He's a cool priest.
When your parents have you out of wedlock, it allows you space to explore life's little gray areas.
- Come on, Richmond! - Come on! With the Richmond fans in full voice, Chris, how do the players in the locker room feel to be on the brink of relegation? It's a tremendous amount of pressure, Arlo.
To get the result they need, it will have to start with veteran leadership.
Yeah? Never stop breaking TVs.
All right, now, fellas.
Hey, let's focus up, huh? So I've been hearing this phrase y'all got over here that I ain't too crazy about.
"It's the hope that kills you".
Y'all know that? I disagree, you know? I think it's the lack of hope that comes and gets you.
See, I believe in hope.
I believe in belief.
Now, where I'm from, we got a saying too, yeah? A question, actually.
"Do you believe in miracles?" Now, I don't need y'all to answer that question for me but I do want you to answer that question for yourselves.
Right now.
Do you believe in miracles? And if you do then I want y'all to circle up with me right now.
Come on.
Let's go.
Get 'em in here.
All right, Captain.
Let 'em know.
Let's go, Skipper, let's go.
All right, Captain.
Let 'em know.
Richmond on 12.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, nine, ten, eleven, twelve! Richmond! Go Richmond! Let's go! Is that miracle thing from a movie or real life? Both.
Among the many subplots, the return of Jamie Tartt, who enjoyed a successful loan period here, but had an infamous on-pitch dustup with Roy Kent, who is not starting today.
I really can't remember seeing Roy Kent on the bench for a big match.
Hey, Jamie! Good luck! Fucking mind games.
It's Richmond versus Manchester City.
And we're off.
Here we go.
Hendrick takes.
Outside for Corwin.
Oh, and he puts Tartt through on goal.
No, no, no.
He has a man open to his left.
But he takes it himself! And Zoreaux is there.
Nice stop! That's a solid save from Zorro.
Yeah, Chris.
It's pronounced "Zoreaux".
Thirty minutes gone.
Richmond with an opportunity here on the counterattack.
Obisanya with an inch-perfect through ball.
Oh! Winchester was clearly offside.
Come on, now! - Explain to me how that's offsides.
- What? No, I'm serious.
How is that offside? I don't understand that yet.
You And here comes Lasso's assistant coach to review their tactics.
What chess moves do they have in store? When the vinegar was next to the Heineken, they weren't offside.
It's not when the vinegar catches the ball, it's when ketchup passes the ball.
- Yes, I understand now.
- Okay.
A shot from Dixon Oh! Pushed over the bar.
Corner, corner! Agony for Dixon, but a corner for Richmond.
Come on, Richmond! Corner kick, corner kick.
- Go for the Sandman.
Call Sandman.
- What? Sandman.
Sandman! Guys, the Sandman! - Sandman! - Here we go.
Rojas to take the corner.
It's a dummy.
Oh, and another one.
What is this? Dixon again! No! Hamlin saves with his foot.
Ooh, baby, the Sandman almost rocked 'em to sleep right there.
A bit of trickery from Ted Lasso.
Haven't seen that one before.
Nice move though.
Nice move.
And that's halftime.
The score is 0-0.
Shockingly, Richmond are still in this, thanks to the stellar play of Zoreaux in goal.
Okay, well, you got It's Reynolds.
No, you got to shore up your defense.
You have to Okay, you know what? Never mind.
I'm just gonna go with my gut.
Somebody check the Crystal Palace score.
Hey, no.
No, no, no.
Absolutely not.
I don't want to hear about any other game going on any other place.
Okay? Look, we are not playing for a tie.
Ain't nobody here gonna kiss their sister.
What? Which is an American phrase that I'm now realizing does not exist here, and that's good, 'cause it's creepy, and I hate it myself, I don't know why I said it.
I think it's just the adrenaline, the nerves and all that.
But we are playing for a win.
Win and in.
You hear? - I can't hear your nods.
Do you hear me? - Yes, Coach.
Okay, good.
All right.
Roy, you are starting the second half.
Go ahead and start warming up.
Let's go.
Gentlemen, follow me.
And here comes Roy Kent.
Roy-o! A surprising move from Lasso.
Manchester City's speed is causing Richmond problems, and he brings on Roy Kent, who is, to be polite, very slow.
That's 'cause he's a fucking octogenarian.
Look at him.
City with a real opportunity here.
Scharfenberg into the box.
Oh, it's a penalty against Richmond.
- How? How? - He didn't touch him! Zoreaux in position.
Hendrick to take.
He scores.
City finally get past Zoreaux, and it's 1-0.
It's the goal that's been coming.
City take the lead, and the Dogtrack falls silent.
We're only one goal down.
There's still a chance.
Come on, Richmond! I love you when you give a shit.
Go, Richmond! Jamie Tartt with the breakaway.
If he scores here, it could be curtains for Richmond.
No one can catch him.
Go, Roy, go! Hold on.
Can you believe it? It's Kent! Yeah! Attaboy, Roy! Roy! Roy! Once again, the tortoise has stopped the hare.
That's how you put him down, Roy! What's the matter? He's not getting up.
Now this looks serious.
It was a fair tackle on Tartt, but Kent may have paid the price.
- And they're sending out the physio.
- Get up, Roy! Roy.
Roy, are you okay? Fuck.
I fucked my knee.
- Want me to call for the stretcher, Roy? - No, just help me up.
Roy Kent! He's here, he's there What the fuck are you doing? he's every-fucking-where.
Roy Kent! Listen.
Roy Kent! He's here, he's there, he's every-fucking-where.
Roy Kent! Roy Kent! He's here, he's there, he's every-fucking-where.
Roy Kent! Roy Kent! He's here, he's there, he's every-fucking-where.
Roy Kent! Well, we apologize for the fruity language as the crowd serenades Roy Kent with a song that's echoed through the Premier League for more than a decade.
He's here, he's there, he's every-fucking-where And he's getting up.
Roy Kent! Roy Kent will never leave on a stretcher.
Roy Kent! He's here, he's there, he's every-fucking-where! Roy Kent! Roy Kent! He's here, he's there, he's every-fucking-where! Roy Kent! Roy Kent! As Kent comes off, he claps the fans in gratitude.
Kent has been a fan favorite because he always left everything he had out on the pitch, and he did so tonight.
Chris, does this almost feel like a farewell to you? Well, you have to wonder, Arlo.
At his age, with that injury Personally, I'm sorry to say, I think this may be the last time we ever see the great Roy Kent lace up his boots.
You're not allowed back here during a game.
I told you, you have to get out.
I mean it.
Stay the fuck away from me.
What the heck is going on That's the sound of 26,000 people checking mobiles.
Oh, my God.
Palace won 6-0.
But then that means All we need is a tie.
- We just need a tie, boys! - We just need a tie! Come on! Let's go! Come on, Richmond! Three minutes of added time is all that's left in Richmond's season.
Montlaur runs left.
Ooh! Fouled hard by Scharfenberg.
There you go, Richard! You sell the crap outta that! Montlaur earns Richmond a late free kick.
I think he's making a meal of it, Arlo.
City players do too.
No, Chris.
He's definitely hurt.
No, no, he's absolutely fine.
Yeah! Oi! Lasso Special! Lasso Special! Holy smokes.
Lasso Special! Manchester City are more worried about yelling at the official than they are about whatever it is Richmond are doing.
- Hold on, hold on.
- Actually, what are they doing? Ref! They can't do that! What are you doing? They're gonna run it.
I didn't even call it.
They're gonna just run it! I don't know what's going on here, but it looks like Is this American football? What the fuck is that? What's he doing? I've never seen anything like this.
- Motion! - Get in line! Obisanya goes in motion.
If Richmond are trying to confuse Manchester City, you have to say it's working.
It's working on me too, Arlo.
Blue 48! Is Zoreaux yelling numbers and colors? Hut, hut, hut! Hike! One, two, three, four The Richmond players fan out.
City's defense is in chaos.
And it's a Hail Mary to Obisanya, who is wide open! Rojas is all alone on the left.
- Dani's onside.
- Yeah, he is.
Rojas! - Yes! - Yeah! The injury time equalizer from Dani Rojas, surely enough to keep Richmond in the Premier League! We got a tie! We got a tie! - Yeah! - We're staying in! Coach! Straight from the kickoff, oh, City are back on the attack.
There he is again.
Ooh, Tartt loses Winchester with ease.
It's only him and the goalkeeper.
Oh, he makes the extra pass.
Hendrick buries it.
Manchester City win, and AFC Richmond's time in the Premier League is over.
We can "woulda, coulda, shoulda" all day long, but, uh, that's it's a tough loss.
It's a tough loss.
It's over.
I do wanna congratulate Man City on their win though, and their coach, Pep.
Boy, did he look sharp tonight.
Yeah, my man You! Do you really think I would've come all the way down to London to watch my son pass the ball? You could've scored the winner.
You're better than that, Jamie.
Fuck! So, look, I Oh, I'm good.
Thank you.
Y'all played a heck of a game out there.
We may not have won, but y'all definitely succeeded.
I mean, you gave the champs 90 minutes of hell.
Zoreaux, where you at? That dude had more saves than a Baptist preacher.
Give it up for Zoreaux.
That's right.
What about Roy? Roy chased down his grandson.
Stopped him from getting an easy one.
Now, look, this is a sad moment right here.
For all of us.
And there ain't nothing I can say, standing in front of you right now, that can take that away.
But please do me this favor, will you? Lift your heads up and look around this locker room.
Yeah? Look at everybody else in here.
And I want you to be grateful that you're going through this sad moment with all these other folks.
Because I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad, and that is being alone and being sad.
Ain't nobody in this room alone.
Sam, do you remember what animal has the shortest memory? A goldfish.
That's right.
It's a goldfish.
Sam, what do you think we should all do once we get done being sad and/or angry about this situation? I think we should all be a goldfish.
I agree.
Let's be sad now.
Let's be sad together.
And then we can be a gosh-darn goldfish.
What do you want? Night, Jamie.
A love letter? We'll have a conversation about that.
Hey, y'all.
- I'll leave you two to talk.
- Thank you, Leslie.
Leslie? Is that your first name? It was my mother's name.
I'm what's known as a feminine junior.
Take a seat.
Tea? No.
Tea and I are still on a lifelong hiatus, yeah.
I'll take a little water though, please.
Well, Ted.
That was certainly a heartbreaking result.
Yes, ma'am.
And I've been thinking about it.
I think it's mighty unfair that you have to fire me, so If it's all the same to you, I'd like to spare you the trouble and just quit.
Um, this here is my letter of resignation.
Um I wrote it on the back of a takeout menu, but it's in an envelope, and I signed it, so, you know, it's legit.
You listen to me, Coach Lasso.
You are not going anywhere, 'cause we have work to do next season.
Well, okay.
All right, then.
So, wait.
Tell me this, though.
The teams that get relegated, they can get, uh, un-relegated, yeah? They can get promoted.
So then, next year we get ourselves a promotion, which looks good on any résumé.
Then we come back to this league and we do something that no one believes we could ever do.
Win the whole fucking thing.
There you are.
The bubbles.
I'm sorry.
Did I get you?
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