Tom Goes to the Mayor (2004) s01e12 Episode Script
Rebirth
0
Jefferton alive
Hi. I'm the Mayor,
and my door is always open for you!
Jefferton alive
My name is Tom Peters,
and I'm full of ideas.
Community spirit!
Hi. How are you?
Shopping!
Food!
Free to be, being free ♪
Jefferton alive
Okey-doke.
Well, the proposed name for now is
Tom Peters Consulting.
We had 450,000 business cards printed
so we're kind of locked in on that.
OK, Mr. Peters.
- Everything looks to be in order.
- Terrific news!
You know, right now,
we're operating out of a storage facility.
But, you know, once the capital starts coming in
I'm sure we'll move into an office.
Mr. Peters
Sorry to interrupt,
but it looks like you forgot to
complete
the Family Registration Form here.
Well, I purposefully didn't check that box
'cause I wasn't positively sure what my family had to do with my business.
Well
Jefferton requires all new business owners
to register their families.
It's part of the Mayor's Family Friendly Act of 2001.
Actually,
it's really helped out.
Jefferton's been put
on the top 50 places to raise a family.
People love it here!
Well, it's the first I'm hearing about it,
but I'd be happy to jump on that boat.
Well, it's a fairly simple automated procedure.
Just take this form down to the Department of Families
and you should be good to go.
Now serving
L-27751829388-
Hi. I'm the Mayor.
Welcome to the Department of Families.
Let's get you started.
Please enter your
23-digit family code
followed by the
11-digit confirmation pin.
Let me see here.
Your wait time is approximately three hours.
You must have
seven forms of photo I.D.
OK, I can't find that number you entered.
Please make sure
the number is correct and try again.
Or simplyspeak yourname now.
Tom Peters.
Thank you, Tom.
I'm seeing that you havestepchildren living in yourshanty.
Your family status has been upgraded toillegal!
We will be holding yourwife
andstepchildren
in afamily holding cell
until yourwife
andbastards
arelegitimate.
Crackets!
Tom! I love
what you did to the office!
I see you have pens, paper
a tiny pink stapler,
plenty of brainstorming room.
I'm sorry.
Let me get the lights.
- So, when do you open?
- It's sort of up in the air right now.
I've been having a bugger of a time getting my business license
'cause, you know,
I can't get my family registered
and I can't register my family because they're considered illegal.
- Yeah.
- So, I don't know.
You know, I mean,
I really love my stepfamily
but this business is
it's my last chance.
Talk about
a rock and a hard place.
Darn it, Tom!
Don't worry about it.
It's my cross to bear.
Wait a sec.
Maybe you should take the Peppar 3-Step Program.
Peppar?
You gotta get into this! It's the easiest way to get your family registered.
Plus, you'll experience some intense family bonding in the process.
OK, let me see here
Mortgages,
Braille thru learning
jazz dance for children
Here we go!
Legalizing your family.
Hi! I'm Dr. Victor Peppar!
Are you a single man
living with three or more foster children
who legally reside abroad?
Or are you a married man living with stepchildren
from your wife's
previous marriage?
If you have answered "yes"
to any of these challenging questions
then the Victor Peppar Institute
has designed
this 3-Step Program just for you.
Good news, Tom.
Luckily I'm a certified captain in the Peppar 3-Step Program
and would be happy to hold your hand
through the process.
- Terrific!
- Legalizing your family.
Step one!
Virtual therapy game ♪
OK, let's put this on you.
- All right, it's a little tight.
- This won't hurt one bit.
- You all right?
- It's a little tight on my eyes.
Let me just attach these right to your nipples.
- OK.
- Sorry.
OK, Tom, Level One is a virtual hug zone.
Go for it, Tom!
All right, I'm not sure
what you want me to do here.
Use your hands.
Hug your children.
- Show them that you love them.
- OK. Good!
Manifest your hate into hugging.
Come on, Tom!
They may not be your flesh and blood,
but they are your children.
Great work, buddy.
Careful!
Is that Joy?
There she is, Tom. Confront her.
Show her your love.
- Hi, honey!
- Hug the mother of your stepchildren.
Yes, yes, very good!
Come on, honey, just let me
Let me give you a hug here so I can pass this level.
We're gonna get through this, bub.
I love you, hon.
OK, great.
Here comes Level Two. Trust building.
See how many gold coins you can get in 30 seconds.
Go, Tom!
OK, I don't really see what this has to do with building trust.
No, no, Tom!
Don't touch the strawberries!
Stinging! Stinging!
Tom, you better take that thing off.
Legalizing your family.
Step two!
Re-birth
Did you know your stepchildren
or your adopted children
shouldn't feel like strangers
in your own home?
Why can't you do us all a favor and re-birth them?
Assign them
a name you choose
and they'll feel more like they came
from your seed and womb.
Not like some filthy
stray animal off the streets.
First off, the father
must be completely shaved
so he can experience
the renewal with his new children.
Next, create a womb,
using a common gutter tube
wrapped in a blanket
and sofa pillows.
A standard children's swimming pool makes for a perfect uterus.
Now, have your stepson or daughter
glide through
the artificial tube
which clearly simulates
the natural birthing process.
All that's left
is to choose a name
that everyone can agree upon.
See? Simple as that.
I'd have to go over this
with my family.
One step at a time, big guy.
Let's get you shaved down.
Hey, gang.
I need to have a family meeting.
What happened to your hair?!
I had to get it shaved
for the re-birthing process.
What?! How long
are you gonna let us rot in here?!
Darn phone. Hold
Can you hold on a sec?
- You and your stupid business!
- That's better.
Listen, one step at a time, Joy, OK?
I have a 24-hour pass
to get the boys prepped for the re-birthing.
Rebirthing?!
I have no idea
what you're talking about, you bald fool!
Boys, boys, don't
don't be afraid, OK?
Everybody put your coats on,
and let's file out.
We got Joy right above the tube.
You can see her there.
- She was a good sport.
- She looks comfortable.
Yeah, we actually had
a little bit of fun setting it up.
There you go!
Who's that, Matthew?
Yeah. That's Matt. He
He had a little trouble getting into the tube.
He's gotten
a little husky this year.
And we actually can see how he got caught there.
He looks a little thick around the hips there, Tom.
There's Matt
coming out the end there.
So, what did you name him?
We all chose Brindon.
- A Celtic name.
- Right.
And his brothers are Brendon and Brandon.
Right, fine. Absolutely.
- He wanted a connection to them.
- Terrific, Tom.
That's the long and short of it.
I just rebirthed my family like Dr. Victor Peppar said I should.
OK.
I'm not sure
what I just saw there, and I
I've never heard of any Dr. Peppars.
Although I have heard
that there were some computer problems
at the Department of Families last week.
Which we apologize for.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
Because of all the rigamarole
you've been going through here
I'll just go ahead and stamp this approved.
And you can take it over and put it
in the Department of Families' drop box.
It's just that easy!
Tom, where are you going?
I'm just gonna,
you know, drop this off.
Wait, you're not dropping out of the 3-Step Program, are you?
Well, I thought we were done here.
They said
I'm good to go, so I gotta go
get my family out of the cell
Tom, Tom, Tom.
I'm really nervous about this.
I've heard a lot of stories about people bailing
right in the middle of the 3-Step Program.
A lot of suicides, buddy.
- I'd hate to see that happen to you.
- That's no good.
WellI guess one more step,
how bad could that be?
Come by my office tomorrow,
and we'll go over the script.
Legalizing your family.
Step three!
So, you walk in with the pizza,
because you're a pizza delivery boy.
You turn to Joy.
She's sprawled out on the couch.
She's a little hesitant at first,
but that's where the tension lies.
Look up here.
I story-boarded this whole scene out.
I hate to be
a sight for sore eyes, but
are we talking about a pornographic video
with me and my wife?
Tom, it'll be tasteful, I promise.
You have to trust me on this.
I just don't remember Dr. Peppar
saying anything about this.
Well, me and Dr. Peppar don't agree on everything.
I tend to interpret some of his steps a little differently.
You see, I don't think so.
Tom, suicide.
OK.
Pizza man.
Extra sausage.
Tom, what are you doing?!
Delivering the pizza.
That's good!
Watch out!
- Right there!
- God!
Feels so good!
Hey, Tom.
How's the business coming?
Not so hot.
Honestly, I think a lot of people kind of got the wrong impression
after
the Porkin' With the Peters DVD
that you made came out.
Well
In that case, you wouldn't mind if I store a couple hundred of these DVDs in there?
Yeah.
Let me just get my sleeping bag and business cards out of there.
Hello.
- Bull's eye!
- Yeah!
Jefferton alive
Hi. I'm the Mayor,
and my door is always open for you!
Jefferton alive
My name is Tom Peters,
and I'm full of ideas.
Community spirit!
Hi. How are you?
Shopping!
Food!
Free to be, being free ♪
Jefferton alive
Okey-doke.
Well, the proposed name for now is
Tom Peters Consulting.
We had 450,000 business cards printed
so we're kind of locked in on that.
OK, Mr. Peters.
- Everything looks to be in order.
- Terrific news!
You know, right now,
we're operating out of a storage facility.
But, you know, once the capital starts coming in
I'm sure we'll move into an office.
Mr. Peters
Sorry to interrupt,
but it looks like you forgot to
complete
the Family Registration Form here.
Well, I purposefully didn't check that box
'cause I wasn't positively sure what my family had to do with my business.
Well
Jefferton requires all new business owners
to register their families.
It's part of the Mayor's Family Friendly Act of 2001.
Actually,
it's really helped out.
Jefferton's been put
on the top 50 places to raise a family.
People love it here!
Well, it's the first I'm hearing about it,
but I'd be happy to jump on that boat.
Well, it's a fairly simple automated procedure.
Just take this form down to the Department of Families
and you should be good to go.
Now serving
L-27751829388-
Hi. I'm the Mayor.
Welcome to the Department of Families.
Let's get you started.
Please enter your
23-digit family code
followed by the
11-digit confirmation pin.
Let me see here.
Your wait time is approximately three hours.
You must have
seven forms of photo I.D.
OK, I can't find that number you entered.
Please make sure
the number is correct and try again.
Or simplyspeak yourname now.
Tom Peters.
Thank you, Tom.
I'm seeing that you havestepchildren living in yourshanty.
Your family status has been upgraded toillegal!
We will be holding yourwife
andstepchildren
in afamily holding cell
until yourwife
andbastards
arelegitimate.
Crackets!
Tom! I love
what you did to the office!
I see you have pens, paper
a tiny pink stapler,
plenty of brainstorming room.
I'm sorry.
Let me get the lights.
- So, when do you open?
- It's sort of up in the air right now.
I've been having a bugger of a time getting my business license
'cause, you know,
I can't get my family registered
and I can't register my family because they're considered illegal.
- Yeah.
- So, I don't know.
You know, I mean,
I really love my stepfamily
but this business is
it's my last chance.
Talk about
a rock and a hard place.
Darn it, Tom!
Don't worry about it.
It's my cross to bear.
Wait a sec.
Maybe you should take the Peppar 3-Step Program.
Peppar?
You gotta get into this! It's the easiest way to get your family registered.
Plus, you'll experience some intense family bonding in the process.
OK, let me see here
Mortgages,
Braille thru learning
jazz dance for children
Here we go!
Legalizing your family.
Hi! I'm Dr. Victor Peppar!
Are you a single man
living with three or more foster children
who legally reside abroad?
Or are you a married man living with stepchildren
from your wife's
previous marriage?
If you have answered "yes"
to any of these challenging questions
then the Victor Peppar Institute
has designed
this 3-Step Program just for you.
Good news, Tom.
Luckily I'm a certified captain in the Peppar 3-Step Program
and would be happy to hold your hand
through the process.
- Terrific!
- Legalizing your family.
Step one!
Virtual therapy game ♪
OK, let's put this on you.
- All right, it's a little tight.
- This won't hurt one bit.
- You all right?
- It's a little tight on my eyes.
Let me just attach these right to your nipples.
- OK.
- Sorry.
OK, Tom, Level One is a virtual hug zone.
Go for it, Tom!
All right, I'm not sure
what you want me to do here.
Use your hands.
Hug your children.
- Show them that you love them.
- OK. Good!
Manifest your hate into hugging.
Come on, Tom!
They may not be your flesh and blood,
but they are your children.
Great work, buddy.
Careful!
Is that Joy?
There she is, Tom. Confront her.
Show her your love.
- Hi, honey!
- Hug the mother of your stepchildren.
Yes, yes, very good!
Come on, honey, just let me
Let me give you a hug here so I can pass this level.
We're gonna get through this, bub.
I love you, hon.
OK, great.
Here comes Level Two. Trust building.
See how many gold coins you can get in 30 seconds.
Go, Tom!
OK, I don't really see what this has to do with building trust.
No, no, Tom!
Don't touch the strawberries!
Stinging! Stinging!
Tom, you better take that thing off.
Legalizing your family.
Step two!
Re-birth
Did you know your stepchildren
or your adopted children
shouldn't feel like strangers
in your own home?
Why can't you do us all a favor and re-birth them?
Assign them
a name you choose
and they'll feel more like they came
from your seed and womb.
Not like some filthy
stray animal off the streets.
First off, the father
must be completely shaved
so he can experience
the renewal with his new children.
Next, create a womb,
using a common gutter tube
wrapped in a blanket
and sofa pillows.
A standard children's swimming pool makes for a perfect uterus.
Now, have your stepson or daughter
glide through
the artificial tube
which clearly simulates
the natural birthing process.
All that's left
is to choose a name
that everyone can agree upon.
See? Simple as that.
I'd have to go over this
with my family.
One step at a time, big guy.
Let's get you shaved down.
Hey, gang.
I need to have a family meeting.
What happened to your hair?!
I had to get it shaved
for the re-birthing process.
What?! How long
are you gonna let us rot in here?!
Darn phone. Hold
Can you hold on a sec?
- You and your stupid business!
- That's better.
Listen, one step at a time, Joy, OK?
I have a 24-hour pass
to get the boys prepped for the re-birthing.
Rebirthing?!
I have no idea
what you're talking about, you bald fool!
Boys, boys, don't
don't be afraid, OK?
Everybody put your coats on,
and let's file out.
We got Joy right above the tube.
You can see her there.
- She was a good sport.
- She looks comfortable.
Yeah, we actually had
a little bit of fun setting it up.
There you go!
Who's that, Matthew?
Yeah. That's Matt. He
He had a little trouble getting into the tube.
He's gotten
a little husky this year.
And we actually can see how he got caught there.
He looks a little thick around the hips there, Tom.
There's Matt
coming out the end there.
So, what did you name him?
We all chose Brindon.
- A Celtic name.
- Right.
And his brothers are Brendon and Brandon.
Right, fine. Absolutely.
- He wanted a connection to them.
- Terrific, Tom.
That's the long and short of it.
I just rebirthed my family like Dr. Victor Peppar said I should.
OK.
I'm not sure
what I just saw there, and I
I've never heard of any Dr. Peppars.
Although I have heard
that there were some computer problems
at the Department of Families last week.
Which we apologize for.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
Because of all the rigamarole
you've been going through here
I'll just go ahead and stamp this approved.
And you can take it over and put it
in the Department of Families' drop box.
It's just that easy!
Tom, where are you going?
I'm just gonna,
you know, drop this off.
Wait, you're not dropping out of the 3-Step Program, are you?
Well, I thought we were done here.
They said
I'm good to go, so I gotta go
get my family out of the cell
Tom, Tom, Tom.
I'm really nervous about this.
I've heard a lot of stories about people bailing
right in the middle of the 3-Step Program.
A lot of suicides, buddy.
- I'd hate to see that happen to you.
- That's no good.
WellI guess one more step,
how bad could that be?
Come by my office tomorrow,
and we'll go over the script.
Legalizing your family.
Step three!
So, you walk in with the pizza,
because you're a pizza delivery boy.
You turn to Joy.
She's sprawled out on the couch.
She's a little hesitant at first,
but that's where the tension lies.
Look up here.
I story-boarded this whole scene out.
I hate to be
a sight for sore eyes, but
are we talking about a pornographic video
with me and my wife?
Tom, it'll be tasteful, I promise.
You have to trust me on this.
I just don't remember Dr. Peppar
saying anything about this.
Well, me and Dr. Peppar don't agree on everything.
I tend to interpret some of his steps a little differently.
You see, I don't think so.
Tom, suicide.
OK.
Pizza man.
Extra sausage.
Tom, what are you doing?!
Delivering the pizza.
That's good!
Watch out!
- Right there!
- God!
Feels so good!
Hey, Tom.
How's the business coming?
Not so hot.
Honestly, I think a lot of people kind of got the wrong impression
after
the Porkin' With the Peters DVD
that you made came out.
Well
In that case, you wouldn't mind if I store a couple hundred of these DVDs in there?
Yeah.
Let me just get my sleeping bag and business cards out of there.
Hello.
- Bull's eye!
- Yeah!