Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s01e18 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Dad, you're getting cheese on my couch.
And I can't flip the cushion over
because you got chili on the other side.
It's not my fault you keep your cushions
where I keep my chili.
Don't worry. I'll clean it.
Ooh, couch con queso!
Don't mind if I do.
Gordo, don't you want to tell them
about the fight you got into
at school today?
No, that pretty much covers it.
- What?
- You got into a fight?
Are you okay, Gordo?
- Who did this to you?
- Yes, tell us.
So I can hunt down
that little psychopath
and slash the tires of his Big Wheel.
His name's Mateo.
He lives at 5543 86th
Okay, okay.
Everyone, keep your earrings on.
How do we know Chance
isn't the little psychopath?
This sweet face?
I have the same sweet face,
and I've done stuff.
Okay, Gordo, come over here.
It's time you and I had a friendly chat.
Where were you on the morning of today?
I was at recess
just minding my business,
waving my arms around
like a regular boy.
And then what happened?
Then Mateo's face got in the way.
So you punched him.
If that's what you wanna call it.
- I want the truth.
- You can't handle the truth!
But yeah, I punched him.
Queso closed.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I can't believe Chance punched someone.
You gotta do something
before he turns into a Menendez brother.
Oh, don't worry.
We're coming in hot
with fresh baked cookies.
It's how we get him to open up.
Like the children's book says,
if you give a mouse a cookie,
it talks about its feelings
and stops punching the other mice.
You're rewarding bad behavior
with cookies.
You should know
I mixed the regular trash
with the recycling on purpose.
So punish me too, Daddy. Ay!
Chance acted out, and
according to my therapist
Ay, here we go.
A child needs help
understanding their behavior,
not just someone saying,
"You didn't put your crayons away,
so now baby Jesus is crying."
You never left them lying around again.
And I also used "eat your veggies
or Yolanda gets parole."
Oh, oh, and my favorite:
"You dyed your hair purple,
and now your abuelita's
in the hospital."
This is exactly what
my therapist was talking about.
You used emotional manipulation
to scare me into behaving.
Stop saying that,
or you'll cause a forest fire.
Why are you talking to this
therapist about me anyway?
Isn't your life interesting enough?
Definitely not. I read all her DMs.
Ain't nobody sliding in there.
I talk about everything in therapy, Mom.
It helps me process my feelings.
You'd understand it
if you tried it sometime.
Mm, therapy's a waste of money,
according to my psychic, Madam Jeanette.
Then I'll pay for it.
You should talk to Dr. Brenda.
Fine, I will,
so I can tell her to stop
poisoning you against me
and to go by her last name
like a real doctor.
That is her last name.
She's Dr. Glenda Brenda.
Anyway, whatever gets you in the door.
It'll be great to finally prove
to my therapist
that you're a real person
and not just a blend
of Disney villains I made up.
Hey, buddy.
Seemed like you had a hard day.
Why don't you tell Mommy
and Daddy how you're feeling?
I feel awful
about the lack of chips in this cookie.
I thought we talked about this.
My therapist said
he might react this way.
But there's a tool we can use
to get him to open up.
- Follow my lead.
- Got it.
We get it, Chance.
You don't wanna talk to
your lame parents about this.
Luckily, you can talk to
[AS GOOSEY] Hi, Chance.
I'm Goosey. [HONKS]
[AS QUACKEY] And I'm Quackey.
[NORMALLY] Stop. There only
needs to be one.
You're making it weird.
[NORMALLY] I'm sorry.
[AS GOOSEY] So tell me what
happened today.
Did Mateo say something
to make you upset?
Yeah, he said Snorlax
was a more powerful Pokémon
than Charizard.
Everyone knows that's a filthy lie.
Actually, Gordo,
there's a lot of debate.
- If you consult
- Not the time, nerd!
It's okay to be upset.
But if you can recognize those feelings,
then you can calm yourself.
That is called emotional regulation.
Goosey has a song about it.
[CLEARS THROAT]
When you're feeling some frustration ♪
- Emotional regu ♪
- I'm good.
Look, Mom, Dad, Goosey,
I feel terrible.
And I'm really sorry.
And I promise
it will never happen again.
Well, that's great, buddy.
Can I go hang out with Grandpa now?
Sure! Get out of here,
you emotionally stable kid.
[NORMALLY] We got him
to process his feelings.
I mean, we spent hundreds
of dollars on parenting books,
and all we really needed
was a pair of googly eyes
we won playing Whac-A-Mole.
But I still can't believe
Chance resorted to violence.
Where would he even
learn something like that?
- [BOXING BELL DINGS]
- Ale! Get him!
Get him! That's it! That's it!
Get him! Beat his eyes out!
Chance, watch your mouth.
In boxing, the correct term is "jab."
Jab his eyes out!
There you go. Eso, mijo!
Dad, it is inappropriate
to let Chance watch boxing.
Why, because he can't bet?
I spotted him.
Chance got into that fight at school
because he's mimicking the violence
you let him watch on TV.
Okay, hang on a second.
Seeing things on TV
doesn't change a person's behavior.
Quinten watches "Real Housewives,"
and oh, bad example.
Even if I didn't watch the show,
I'd still buy Lisa Rinna's rosé.
It is refreshing.
Dad, we need to present a united front
when it comes to Chance's bad behavior.
He's in a really good place now,
thanks to us and Goosey.
[AS GOOSEY] How's it honkin', homes?
What the hell is that?
That's Goosey.
And it is apparently how
we do things around here now.
And you need to embrace this
as a nonviolent household.
Yeah, I do.
That's why I watch boxing on TV
and don't host cage matches
in the garage
anymore.
Well, Chance is easily influenced.
And we are not raising a bully,
so no more boxing in this house.
Come on. Aye, wait a minute.
Come on. That's not fair.
There's a big
championship fight coming up:
Lopez versus Lopez.
And I bet money on the hotter,
more famous one.
Too bad.
We're taking that box back
to the cable company.
Okay, wait a minute. The the
the cable company is a guy
named Boxcutter Beto.
You try to take that box back,
you'll find yourself in a box
in the LA River, Mayan.
Still not as difficult
to cancel as Spectrum.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I'm here!
And I'm healed.
Oh, my session
with Dr. Brenda went great.
If Nancy Meyers made a movie
about non-white people,
you'd be the star.
Yep, I learned about boundaries,
coping mechanisms,
and that you're the source
of most of my trauma.
I'm sorry, what?
Mm-hmm. Dr. Brenda
oh, sorry, my therapist
she helped me realize
that criticizing the way I raised you
is your way of deflecting
your own shortcomings
as a parent onto me.
Did she really say "shortcomings"?
She implied it with her eyes.
The point is, my parenting style worked.
Yours does not. Namaste.
You should know, we had
a breakthrough with Chance.
So we're doing just fine
without resorting
to any of your manipulation tactics.
Mm, you should know
that Dr. Brenda validated
that I don't manipulate you.
You manipulate me into believing
that my manipulation is manipulative.
- What?
- Oh, see?
You're doing it again.
[DEVICE BLEEPING]
[AS GOOSEY] Hey, Gordo, what's up?
[SIGHS] Oh, Lord.
I don't wanna be here either, fool.
But I need to tell you
that violence is wrong.
Unless they pay you to do it.
Then it's called sports.
Now, go run. Tell your parents.
Grandpa, you're better than this.
[NORMALLY] No, I'm not.
I need you to show your parents
that I'm not a violent influence on you
so I can get my cable back
and watch two men splatter
a crowd with spit and blood.
You're going about it all wrong.
You could just do what I do.
What do you do?
Any time I get in trouble,
I look all sad and say,
"I'm so sorry.
And it'll never happen again."
Wow, man, you're like
Cate Blanchett in "Titanic."
If it's really bad,
then I throw in a "I wuv you."
And make sure it's "wuv" with a W.
And your parents fall for that?
[AS GOOSEY] Yup. Then I do what I want.
- Goose attack!
- Ow!
[WHIMPERING]
Dad, what happened?
You realized it's finally time
to put that thing on ice?
I was minding my own business
like a regular grandpa,
and your son punched me in the nuts.
I'm not happy he's still hitting people,
but at least he's doing it
in a funny way now.
Whatever. You guys think
you're such great parents.
He told me he fakes his apologies.
- What?
- Yeah.
That he says, like, "I'm so sorry,"
and that "I'm never gonna do it again."
I can't believe Chance lied to us.
I don't know where he learned
to lie like that,
but it wasn't from a war hero like me.
Oh, I hate myself for saying this,
but it's not your father's fault.
Don't turn me on, vieja.
I'm still healing.
Ay. Dr. Brenda is right.
Here you are blaming
everyone in the world
me, your father, Manny Pacquiao
instead of holding yourself accountable
- for Chance's bad behavior.
- That's right.
I didn't come back from the
moon to be treated like this.
Ay.
If you want Chance
to stop manipulating you,
you have to do
what any good parent would do:
manipulate him better.
And all she's missing
is a coat made of dalmatians.
I actually think
your parents might be right.
We have to try something new
with Chance,
'cause everything we're doing
right now, it doesn't work.
Then I guess it's time to do
the one thing I said I would never do:
parent like I was parented.
You're gonna disappear on him
for ten years?
- I meant like my mom.
- Mm.
Yes, that makes more sense.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[SIGHS] My daughter doesn't understand.
I'm a child of immigrants.
Emotions were a luxury
we couldn't afford.
We had to save it for funerals.
Oh, my mother,
she really knew how
to throw herself at a casket.
I don't care!
You've been talking my ear off
for 40 minutes.
I'm ready to punch myself in the nuts.
If it makes you feel any better,
there's no one
Mayan blames more than me.
Aw. It does.
She also thinks that you're
a bad influence on Chance.
If I were you, I'd watch my step.
Mayan wasn't afraid
to throw out the cable box.
And unlike you, that
actually brought her pleasure.
I'm not worried.
I'm the sniffing glue
that holds this family together.
Mm, don't be so sure.
She not only let you back in her life.
She opened her home to you.
So when you don't
respect her boundaries,
it's triggering.
Wow, you learned a lot in therapy.
- Oh, I didn't go.
- What?
[LAUGHS]
I'm just messing with Mayan
so she doesn't throw
that therapist in my face.
You're worse than a Disney villain.
You're a telenovela villain.
Hey, buddy.
You know the rules.
No basketball indoors.
Oh, right. My bad.
Look at that. He listened.
Maybe his acting out was just a phase.
- Yeah.
- [LAMP SHATTERS]
Chance, you broke the lamp
I hoped to have time
to read under someday.
And what did I just say
about basketballs in the house?
You said to go outside.
But Churro pees in here,
and Grandpa says anywhere
you can pee counts as outside.
Well, Grandpa doesn't make the rules.
- We do.
- I'm so sorry.
And it'll never happen again.
I wuv you.
Okay, good.
- No, not good.
- Right.
Not good.
Chance, the messiness,
the hitting, the lying,
you're picking it all up from Grandpa.
Yeah, and having him around
has been a bad influence on you.
But he's a war hero.
He's teaching you the wrong values.
And because of the way
you've been acting,
Grandpa has to move out.
- What?
- What?
I'm afraid we have no choice.
Chance has just been that bad.
So, Dad, please pack up your things
and find somewhere else to live.
No, I like having Grandpa here.
He's my best friend.
And you're my best friend too, Gordo.
Please don't make him leave.
I promise I'll be good.
[VOICE BREAKS] Have mercy on us.
I don't have anywhere else to go!
Okay. Did we take this too far?
'Cause I don't even like that lamp.
And I was never gonna read.
Okay, we were bluffing.
Grandpa's not going anywhere.
- He's not?
- I'm not?
No.
We just said that to scare you
so you'd act better.
What kind of sick,
twisted mind game is that?
Yours and Mom's.
Oh, yeah, it worked.
No, it doesn't.
Nobody feels good about this situation.
I heard George crying.
And I came to laugh.
Gordo? Are you okay?
What did you people do to my grandchild?
We tried to follow your advice
and parent like you
which you manipulated us into doing.
My therapist said
I called Dr. Brenda,
and she says she's never met you.
Damn it. I thought I had another week.
Gordo, why don't you go
play some games in the kitchen?
I don't know what we're
supposed to do with Chance.
Well, being a good parent is tough,
which is why I've avoided it.
I just feel like we're failing him.
Aw, he's doing what seven-year-olds do.
Yeah, he's just testing
your boundaries like I do
with you guys or electric fences.
Listen, don't get a big head,
but you two are good parents.
You didn't let me get away
with anything.
You took away my cable box.
So setting boundaries
and using consequences worked
with our geriatric toddler.
I only wear diapers
when I travel in space.
Ay, get your lies straight, tonto.
Were you at war or were you in space?
Both, in a galaxy far, far away.
Ooh, I love that story.
Did he tell you about Han Cholo?
Come take a seat, Gordo.
Come here.
We're sorry we tricked you.
We made some bad choices.
- But so did you.
- True.
All that couch queso
gave me the bubble guts.
Look, we want you to grow up
to be a good person.
So that means that when you misbehave,
there has to be a consequence.
Like a cookie?
A real consequence.
Gluten-free cookie.
[CHUCKLES] No.
Your consequence is going to be
apologizing to Mateo
and your grandpa for hitting.
And it's a real apology.
Okay, I can do that.
- And no screens for a week.
- A week?
You mean five business days, right?
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Mayan, without his iPad,
Chance has forced me to play 57 games
of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
It is it is binging,
and it's purging,
and I can't take it anymore!
You think that's bad?
Without his cable,
my dad's been talking to me.
Okay. Well, you know what?
The week will be over in
- six and a half days?
- Ugh.
- There you two are.
- No.
We've been looking for you everywhere.
With all our free time,
we wrote a play!
It's a space opera in nine acts.
We open in the cold vastness of space.
Dad, you can have your cable box back!
Chance, you can have your tablet.
You can have my ta you can have
the keys to the Apple Store!
- It worked!
- I guess we're both war heroes now.