Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s01e19 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Nana, I'll take mine black.
There's a substitute
teacher I need to get rid of,
so I need to be on.
- Don't give him coffee.
- He's just a kid.
Caffeine will stunt his growth.
All Latino kids drink it.
My mom's breast milk went
straight into my coffee.
Didn't stunt my growth.
It's true. His head is still growing.
[PHONE BUZZING]
Hey, what's up? Aw, man, how you doin'?
It's been a long time, huh?
It's good to hear from you, man.
Yeah, we need to get a beer.
All right, later. [HIGH-PITCHED] Bye.
Who was that?
Um, Verizon?
He always uses phone
companies when he's lying.
He used to get a ton of calls
from a hoochie named Pacific Bell.
- It's just, uh, Don Patino.
- Ugh.
- Ay.
- Ew.
I don't know who that is.
I just wanted to be
part of the conversation.
- Who's Don Patino?
- One of my oldest friends.
He actually introduced me to Rosie.
Unfortunately, he never stopped
introducing you to women.
I met some men through him too
Jack Daniels, Johnnie
Walker, and Captain Morgan.
Well, he sounds like a Wild Turkey.
[CHUCKLES]
'Cause [CLEARS THROAT]
After Don's wife left
him, he went crazy,
partying and gambling.
And he dragged my dad with him.
Exactly. He was a good friend.
No, he wasn't.
He tore this family apart
and pulled you away from me.
You missed my 14th birthday
because you were with
Don on some booze cruise.
We didn't go on a cruise.
We spent all the money on the booze.
All right, Don's not perfect, okay?
But when your mom kicked me out,
he took me in.
We're as close as two guys could be.
We slept nose-to-toes on a futon.
Well, he can keep his toes, his nose,
and his hoes
as far away from this house as possible.
Ah, but Mayan, he's your godfather.
Ex-godfather. I fired him.
I don't think you can
fire an agent of the Lord.
Take my Lord's name out of your mouth.
Don ruined godfathers for me,
which is why Chance never had one.
What's a godfather?
Someone who disappoints you.
Wow, Mommy, you have a lot
of fathers who disappoint you.
Did you ever think
maybe the problem is you?
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
Hey, Tío Oscar, what are you doing?
Oh, I'm setting up this projector
so we can enjoy the
greatest works of art
ever projected on a screen.
- Movies?
- Shadow puppets.
Check it out.
Rabbit.
Duck.
Eastern timber wolf.
[GROWLS]
Have you ever seen a animal?
So what do you want
to do instead, kiddo?
Can you tell me what a godfather is?
No one wants to explain it.
A godfather?
Lucky for you,
a wonderful, tiny, Italian
winemaker made a movie
about the very subject.
♪
Hey, man, this a nice little spot.
You know the place is legit when
the bouncer's breastfeedin' a baby.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, it's close to my house.
Sometimes I stop here for a drink
on my way home from drinking.
Oh, you go home after drinkin' now?
[CHUCKLES]
Well, you would know that if you
had answered my Instagram request.
You had five years to click "accept."
There's a lot of Don
Patinos on Instagram.
They all me. I keep
forgettin' my password.
Man, I'm sorry I lost
touch. I missed you.
No. You're not gonna hug me, are you?
I mean, I'm cool with it,
I just don't wanna lose my wallet.
- I would never rob you.
- [CHUCKLES]
I know there's nothing in your wallet
but a Jersey Mike's loyalty card
and an expired condom.
But condoms don't expire.
They're like salami or pills.
Oh, man. What you
doin', man? You buyin'?
What happened to drink-n-dash Don?
The bouncer just had a C-section.
I think you could definitely outrun her.
I don't gotta run.
These days, I can afford
to buy my own drinks.
Remember when I used to
lose money on the ponies?
I'm finally on the
other side of that game.
Oh, what, you a bookie now?
Well, I don't owe you any money do I?
I mean, if I do, I'll pay you. I
When do you leave town?
No. I own a three-year-old thoroughbred.
She's runnin' at Santa Anita.
I named her Flyin' Mayan.
You named your racehorse
after my daughter? That's sweet.
I guess Gorgeous George
was probably taken, huh?
You know, I miss that kid.
And I never got to meet your grandson.
How old is he now?
He's somewhere between
his last diaper and his first beer.
They so cute at that age.
Mm, mm. I would love to meet him.
Yeah, man, I don't know
if I'm gonna be able to
make that happen, you know?
Mayan's not exactly thrilled
that you're back in town.
Really?
So she forgave you for
cheatin' on her mom.
All I did was take you to the strip club
to take advantage of
two-for-one chicken wings.
Tried to tell her that.
She thought we went for the women.
The only thing I had on my
lap that night was a napkin.
You know I never had kids of my own.
You guys are the only
real family I've ever had.
I know, Don. I'd like to help
you reconnect with Mayan, but
I don't think she'll agree to it.
Maybe we should do a a parrot trap.
Do you mean a parent trap,
where you get her and I
to come to the same place
- at the same time?
- No.
A parrot trap, where you trap a parrot
and you get it to say nice
things about you to her.
But your way could work too.
♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
The games and the lights.
Man, the carpet that
hides all the pee stains.
I get a little choked up
when I say this, Mayan,
but this place trained me for Vegas.
I'm so glad you wanted
to bring Chance here.
I had so many good times in this place.
[CHUCKLES]
Wow!
Mom, Dad, I love you,
but I live here now.
George?
George Lopez.
What are you doin' here?
Don Patino, you son of a gun.
What a complete, unplanned coincidence.
I told you I didn't want to see him.
I know, but I bet
Chance wants to meet Don.
Hey, Chance, I'm your mom's godfather.
Godfather? I don't want no trouble.
Chance, wait!
Kids sense trouble when they see it.
Mayan, wait.
Hey, Rosie.
Thanks for not runnin' away.
And you look great, by the way.
Don't flatter me with
things that are obvious.
Well, maybe I can flatter you with this?
You think you can buy my forgiveness
- with a cheap gift?
- [SCOFFS] No.
But maybe a really expensive gift.
Chance? Buddy, where'd you go?
- There you are.
- No, I'm not.
You never saw me.
Buddy okay.
[GRUNTS]
How many of you are under there?
That's okay.
[GRUNTS]
Why are you hiding, Gordo?
- [GRUNTS]
- I'd tell you,
but I don't wanna sleep with the fishes
or wake up with a horse head in my bed.
Wait, you watched "The Godfather"?
- How?
- Tío Oscar showed it to me.
And now I get why Mom didn't want
to have a godfather. They're bad.
Especially the ones called "Don."
Tío Oscar should not
have shown you that movie.
It is not for kids.
But Mayan's godfather is not like that.
I'm not an expert,
but most mobsters
don't wear Birkenstocks.
See, Gordo? Don is not
a don, he's just Don.
Right, Don?
Hey, Chance. It's nice to meet you.
Now, I hear there's
some moles in this joint
that need to get whacked.
[SCREAMS]
That was a weird way
to phrase that, man.
Heard it when I said it.
- Come on, Mayan, talk to me.
- Not right now.
I'm pretending these
moles are your head.
I just thought once you saw Don
that you'd remember the good times.
No. I remember what he does to you.
The old Dad I couldn't rely on
comes back when Don's around.
I mean, he's been here one day
and you've already lied to me.
Mom and I want nothing to do with him.
Look what your godfather got me.
I feel like a cartel leader's wife.
Are you really forgiving Don
just because he bought you a coat
that makes you look like Mary J. Blige?
I haven't necessarily forgiven him,
but a fur coat is a good start.
I'm gonna go see what this
looks like in front of the fun mirrors.
See? Don's a good guy,
Mayan, and he's missed you.
Guess what he named Flyin' Mayan?
A strain of weed?
No, but side hustle.
He named his racehorse after you.
A horse is supposed to make up
for ripping my family apart?
Yes?
It's a thoroughbred, Mayan.
It was thoroughly bred.
But listen, I know you blame Don
for everything that I did wrong,
but I make my own bad decisions.
So if you're be mad at somebody,
be mad at me.
- I am mad at you!
- Why? What did I do?
Hi.
I can tell I need to
go, and not just because
I'm a grown man without a child.
The last thing I wanted to do
was cause your family trouble.
I just wanted to give you this.
What is it?
I know it doesn't fix everything,
but your dad helped me set
up a college fund for Chance.
You've built a great life for yourself,
and I hope this makes
it a little bit better.
Goodbye, Mayan.
He put $1,000 in this account.
You look so stupid right now.
♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Mom, why are you wearing that?
It's not raining.
Because if you wear fur in public,
people throw paint at you.
What's the point of wearing fur
if no one knows you're wearing it?
I know.
Ugh.
I'm torn.
This college fund Don set up is nice,
but it's not gonna
make me suddenly forget
everything he did to us.
And it shouldn't.
We didn't forgive your
father immediately.
It took time.
And him proving that he
could do the right thing
over and over again.
Actions speak louder than fur.
[SIGHS]
It's just, last time Don was in town,
I lost my dad.
I don't want that to happen again.
And I don't trust the guy.
But you should trust your dad.
You guys are in a good place.
And I don't think he's going anywhere,
no matter how many candles I light.
Hey, Mayan, can I get a beer?
Or are you gonna tell
me that's bad for me too?
[SIGHS] Dad, I've
been thinking about it,
and if you want to have Don over,
- I think it'd be okay.
- What?
Yes! [CHUCKLES]
I can't wait to show him my room.
Hey, but don't tell him
I I share it with Chance,
'cause I want him to
think that I'm cool.
[THEME FROM "THE GODFATHER"]
♪
Hello? Who's in here?
- [LAMP CLICKS]
- You and I have business.
♪
You sit at my table,
you drink my beers, you shower
with my garden hose.
So it pains me to discover
you disrespected the family.
W-w-w-what do you mean?
You showed Chance a scary movie.
A great movie
but a scary movie.
I thought Chance liked it.
I-I didn't know it was
wrong to show a kid.
I-I saw it when I was his age.
And I have real fond memories,
'cause I slept with
my parents for a month.
Oh, God.
I am so sorry.
I didn't mean to do
that. I love that kid.
Will you ever forgive me?
[SMOOCHING FRANTICALLY]
Not if you don't stop kissing
my hand. Your bead tickles.
Someday
and that day may never come, I
will call on you to do a service for me.
Probably helping me carry a
drunk George up the stairs.
But until that day
Don't be a doof? Please? [CHUCKLES]
I'll try.
You wanna watch "Godfather II"?
Do I ever.
♪
Thanks for all the
Tommy Bahama stuff, Don.
I was always afraid of fallin' in love
with a shirt I couldn't afford.
End up lost in the Bahama Triangle.
Happy to treat. I love any store
where the petite section
starts at extra-large.
I love that we're
hangin' out again, man.
Just like old times.
A little bit older
and a little bud-wiser.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, we were just two
idiots in a leaky lifeboat.
But at least we weren't alone.
- Oh, that's right.
- We did do the booze cruise!
[LAUGHS]
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Mm! Wait.
Yeah, that's the food.
Ah. I ordered up somethin' special.
Nothing says luxury like
lobster thrown out a Prius.
Oh, man. This is so cool.
I love having rich friends.
You get to eat big red bugs.
Uh, how do we get the
meat out of there, dude?
Throw it against the wall
or step on it like a roach?
[CHUCKLES]
There's utensils in
there, but ignore the bibs.
Tommy Bahama shirts are
designed to repel butter.
[CHUCKLES]
Mmm.
Uh, what the hell is this?
- Oh, uh, that's the receipt.
- Um, don't eat that.
But is says the credit card
belongs to Chance Van Bryan.
Huh. Now, this is gonna
sound worse than it is.
But I stole your grandson's identity.
What?
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
You gave me the kid's
Social Security number.
To set up a college fund!
Well, what do you think
funded the college fund?
You committed fraud
in my grandson's name.
You didn't buy me this
plus-size island wear, Chance did.
If it means that much to you,
I'll make the payments.
You know, as long as I've known you,
money burns a hole in your pocket.
You don't make those payments,
man, my grandson is screwed.
The kid is seven. He got
plenty of time to repair his credit.
We don't fix credit in this family.
My FICO score's 12!
Man, you played me.
Did you even really name
your horse Flyin' Mayan?
I don't have a horse.
Are you payin' attention?
Man, I thought you came back
'cause you missed me, man,
not because I was a mark.
You bein' a little bit
of a hypocrite right now.
You used to pull shady
stuff like this all the time.
- I used to.
- I'm not that person anymore.
I'm not gonna let anybody mess
with my family. I just got 'em back.
I'm not gonna lose them over you.
I just needed a little help, G.
Get it someplace else.
Mayan was right. I should
have listened to her.
You know what, Don?
Get the hell out of here.
- Well, I'm just gonna grab
- Leave the lobster.
My grandson bought that for me.
Soon as I drop it off the roof,
I'ma eat whatever's inside of it.
♪
How'd it go with Don?
Did he like your Spider-Man sheets?
- You were right about Don.
- Oh, no.
Did he try to take you
to a strip club again?
I wish.
Chicken wings have the
bone on the inside, Mayan,
like a normal food.
He lied about the horse and
he stole Chance's identity.
What? How did he do that?
I don't know. You can
just say you have a horse.
You can name him whatever you want.
No. The identity theft.
How did he get Chance's social?
That college fund that I
stupidly helped him set up.
Don't worry, I'll fix it. But
in the meantime, Don's out.
He's out of our lives for good.
You look so stupid right now.
I'm sorry.
I know it must be hard to
say goodbye to a good friend.
You know, Mayan, I
thought he had changed.
People don't change till they're ready.
That's why I'm so proud of you
for turning your whole life around.
Thanks. I'm sorry that I brought
him back into your life, Mayan.
It's okay.
I don't need a godfather
when I've got my real father.
And I don't need a horse Mayan
- when I got a human Mayan.
- [CHUCKLES]
George, I know you
don't want to hear this.
Don's a fraud.
Did you hear about the
horse, the college fund,
- or the credit card?
- This is no time for jokes.
I don't care why they walked into a bar.
I had my fur coat appraised.
It's 90% squirrel.
10% unidentified.
It was all just a bunch of Mary J. Lies.
[CHUCKLES]
Don was a fraud and he
stole Chance's identity.
The godfather is a criminal?
Badda-bing, I was right!
But if my identity was stolen,
does that mean I'm no one now?
Yep.
But you know what? We'll
get you a better name.
What do you think of Pépe Caca-Chonies?
I'd rather be nobody.
♪
What's up, Chance?
Oh, thank God you know who I am.
I was worried because
my identity was stolen.
I heard about that. And do not worry,
- I got it back for you.
- How'd you do that?
It's a complicated financial procedure
that involved me selling my plasma
to several different
local area hospitals
in an effort to pay off the card.
Speaking of which, I I
I probably should sit down
for the rest of the day. [CHUCKLES]
- [SIGHS]
- Thank you, Tío Oscar.
There. Of course. We're friends.
We're not just friends.
- We're family.
- [MIMICS EXPLOSION]
Chance is right.
There haven't been tons of benefits
having George back in our life,
but one of them is you.
You always look out for the family.
We were thinking that
Chance needs a godfather.
And now we know who it should be.
I would be honored.
Unless you mean someone
else, in which case, awkward.
[CHUCKLES]
We mean you.
So if something happens to you guys,
I I take care of Chance?
- No.
- [CHUCKLES]
No. No, he goes to Rosie first,
and then my parents, then Tía Daisy.
Basically, you're 15th on the list
right after Churro, but ahead of my dad.
So what do you wanna do, godson?
I don't know, godfather,
maybe watch another movie?
One neither of us have
seen, but kid-friendly.
Hmm.
This one has a picture of
a kid watching TV on it.
Let me see that.
"Poltergeist." Sounds fun.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]