Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s01e20 Episode Script
Lopez vs Corte Caliente
1
[BRIGHT TONES]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I'm here!
I did a little cleaning and
look what I found, Mayan,
your baile folklóricocostume.
Yeah, I love that dance.
They do it every time they bring out
the sizzling fajita
platter at El Torito.
Oh, you were so cute
dancing around in this.
Who knew you'd peak at six?
You put me in so much makeup,
people confused me
for a tiny drag queen.
You were the Tammy Faye of folklórico.
Aw.
You guys should keep up the tradition
and force Chance to do it.
I ain't wearing that tacky dress.
Please, he's already
quit karate, chess, piano.
He'd quit this family
if he got a better offer.
That boy needs to do more
than just play video games.
When I was his age, I had a
ton of after-school activities.
Gardening, plumbing, AC repair.
You need to make him more resilient.
I'm resilient.
But in case Grandpa doesn't know,
remind him what that means, again.
You don't have to remind me. I
don't know what the hell that is.
It means following through with
something, even when it's hard.
Oh, yeah. I'm definitely not that.
But folklóricois different than
all the other stuff you've done.
They're dances that tell the stories
of the many regions of Mexico.
It's a rich part of your culture.
Boring!
One of the dances
lets you use a machete.
Baby's first weapon? I'm in!
Quinten, do you know of anyone who wants
to buy a diamond ring?
Mayan, your mom is nagging
us to get married again.
I'm out!
I also found my old wedding ring.
I think it's time that I sell it.
See what 20 years of pain and
suffering goes for these days.
Well, wait a minute.
If anybody should have
that ring, it's me.
I missed seven Los Lobos concerts
to pay for that ring.
Why don't you just sell the
ring and split the money?
No way, commie.
That's exactly what Fidel would want.
♪
Today on "Corte Caliente,"
a woman sues her bodega guy
for performing indecent
acts with melons.
Oy, this is gonna be juicy.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Oh thank heavens, you're alive.
Of course.
My main goal in life is to outlive you.
Why are you interrupting my show?
I wanted to check the batteries
on your carbon monoxide detectors
because I don't want you to fall victim
to the silent killer.
Trust me, Rosie.
You have to be thorough
about these things.
Oh, the detectors look good.
You really only need
one to work, anyways.
Okay. Bye.
You forgetting something?
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.
- Ugh.
Not that.
This. My ring.
I forgot that's where you
kept all the good stuff.
You're never gonna get it
these or this.
All right, if we can't
decide who owns the ring,
I think we should do the fair thing.
- What's the fair thing?
- Give it to me.
Look, there's only
one way to solve this.
We need to argue our case
in a civilized and professional manner.
Señor, why are there
holes in all of your melons?
We're gonna take this
to "Corte Caliente."
"Corte Caliente"?
I always wanted to be on
TV, but they said it makes
your head look, like,
three times bigger,
so I probably gotta stand like this.
♪
Come on, Gordo. You're gonna
be late for folklóricoclass.
That's the point.
[GASPS]
Ay, qué chulo!
Aww, you look so adorable.
Without the fajita
platter, I just look silly.
No, you look like a proud Mexican boy
who values the cultural
traditions of folklórico.
Folklóricosucks.
Mijo, when I was a kid,
I wanted to quit folklóricotoo,
but I'm glad I stuck
with it because now,
it's a special skill on my résumé.
[SIGHS] Ugh, fine.
My resume could use some padding.
Why do you have a résumé?
Since you signed me up
for folklóricoclass,
I put some feelers out for new parents.
[EXPLOSION]
Corte Caliente, Corte Caliente ♪
Corte Caliente, Corte Caliente ♪
Corte Caliente, Corte! ♪
Caliente!
- Buenas tardes.
- [APPLAUSE]
I am Judge Justicia.
Esto es "Corte Caliente."
[APPLAUSE]
Let's hear from the litigants.
My ex-wife kept the wedding ring,
and then hid it in her bra.
So today I'm here to
seek breast-itution.
[FEIGNING CRYING] Oh, he
took everything from me.
The least he could do
is let me keep that ring!
[SOBS]
Was that good? 'Cause
I could do it again.
Corte! ♪
Stop that, Señor Lopez.
You could lean back into last week,
and your head still
wouldn't look any smaller.
You're here to sue your
ex-wife. Care to tell us why?
Uh, yes.
This bruja ruined my life.
I am a hard-working
small-business owner
of an affordable moving company,
Lop E.Z. Movers.
Please follow me on
Instagram at L-O-P-E
- [GAVEL THUDS]
- Silencio!
This is a court of law, not a place
for you to shamelessly
advertise your business.
And we'll be right back after
a word from our sponsors.
Corte! ♪
And when I found him
passed out on the lawn,
buck naked, tangled up
in our Christmas lights,
nalgasflapping in the wind
I said, "Yeah, enough is enough."
Wow.
After everything I have just
heard from this defendant,
I don't get how you're
still alive, Señor Lopez.
Alcohol is a preservative, Judge, so
I'm pickled.
How do you respond to these accusations?
By calling my first caricature witness.
I'd like to buy a vowel.
Technically, everything Rosie,
la rata de dos patas, has said is true.
But she started it!
So Oscar, would you please testify?
Your Majesty,
back in the day, the
defendant used to be super-hot.
I mean, she still is,
but she used to be too.
I'll allow it.
Rosie was starved for intimacy
because George stopped
being affectionate with her.
That's when she started
having an emotional affair
with a barista at El Starbucks.
[AUDIENCE MURMURS]
And how do you know this information?
Because that barista was me!
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
I'm just kidding.
I always wanted to
make an audience gasp.
Truth is
I caught them feeding
each other cake pops.
[AUDIENCE OOHS]
Corte! ♪
[ENERGETIC TRADITIONAL MUSIC]
♪
Okay, Chance. To the left.
The other left. El left. Ay, Dios!
♪
There's no way he's drunk, right?
♪
I know it's a Mexican tradition,
but we should not be
making him do something
he doesn't want to do.
Making him do something
he doesn't want to do
is also a Mexican tradition.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Great job, almost everybody.
Let's all take a five.
I hate this!
I'm a disappointment to the Lopez name,
and that's saying something.
No! You're doing so great.
- Right?
- Ma'am, don't lie to your son.
If I have to keep dancing,
then you have to do it, too.
Gordo, this is a class for kids.
It would be weird for me to join.
Plus, I'm really good.
I don't want to
embarrass the instructor.
Everything okay, Chance?
Would you like to take a
longer break, like forever?
- Can my mom dance with us?
- She's really good.
But she's worried she's
gonna embarrass you.
[CHUCKLES] I didn't say that.
He's drunk.
Parents are always
encouraged to participate,
especially the ones who think
they can do my job better than me.
Oh! Oh, oh, this is happening!
Corte! ♪
What do you have to say about
this vagrant's testimony,
Miss Flores?
Ay, es verdad.
[AUDIENCE OOHS]
I did have an emotional affair,
but only after I found out
George was cheating on me.
While I was having cake pops,
he was out getting that cookie.
And I also have a witness.
Excuse me.
Really? You two don't
have any other friends?
Oh, yeah. George definitely cheated.
And I know this because it was with me!
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
[LAUGHS] I got you again!
No, George, uh, prefers
his men to be women.
Objection!
This witness is not saying
what I bribed him to say!
You said those $20 were for parking!
- I said a lot of things
- [GAVEL THUDS]
Silencio!
Looks like this wedding ring
is the very least of your worries.
These public records
reveal that the two of you
are technically still married!
[ALL GASP]
And that's how you get a gasp.
♪
Did you say that I am still
married to this dusty saco de papas?
Is this your producer's way
of manufacturing more drama?
Because if so,
great twist.
Everything we manufacture
on this show is real.
I have the divorce papers right here.
Señor Lopez never signed.
Why am I not surprised, George?
You screwed up our marriage.
Of course you're gonna
screw up our divorce.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- You should have followed up.
You were married to him for 20 years.
I've known him 20 minutes,
and I know he's an idiot.
I'll allow it.
I mean, I was so overwhelmed
from the separation
that I quickly mailed everything in.
It was a difficult time.
I was an emotional wreck.
Oh, poor Rosita.
Tough to stones!
You should have read it.
This was your divorce,
not the user agreement
for "Candy Crush."
[AUDIENCE OOHS]
Oy, this is only fun when
it happens to other people.
Wait a minute, that's a
bunch of caca caliente, Judge.
Rosie was starting a
business, raising a daughter,
and getting over the best thing
that ever happened to her me!
What gives you the right to be so judgy?
- Oh, yeah, that's true.
- Well, he's got a point.
I don't see a ring on that finger.
What do you know about marriage?
I'm married to justice.
That sound like something
a sad, single, desperate lady would say.
[LAUGHS] Yeah. What's justice, huh?
The name of one of your seven cats?
[MEOWS]
Yeah, you probably cry in
your soup all night, huh?
- Sad soup lady with cats.
- [LAUGHS]
Mmm, mmm, mmm! Oh,
look, it's my favorite!
It's cream of lonely. Toma, gatito!
[HIGH-PITCHED] It's muy caliente.
Oh!
Enough.
Should I escort them out
of your courtroom, Judge?
I've always wanted to
play a macho bailiff.
My catchphrase would be
[GRUFF VOICE] "You tell 'em, Judge."
No.
- I welcome this.
- What?
I welcome it? Oh, look. I welcome it.
I attacked your
character for two reasons.
One, because I knew it would
unite you two against me.
And two, because it's just good TV.
It's clear that you two still
care deeply for each other.
Plus, you're both tóxicos.
When you two got married,
this ring became
property of your marriage.
And since you're still not divorced,
this case is dismissed.
Justice has been served
caliente.
Now get out of my courtroom!
[GRUFF VOICE] You tell 'em, Judge.
You too!
[ENERGETIC TRADITIONAL MUSIC]
♪
Miss Lopez, a big part of
dancing is moving your body.
Baila, mujer. Baila.
♪
Mommy, what was that?
You told me you were good.
Folklóricohas changed
since I was a kid.
No part of what you're doing
has ever been folklórico.
You're an instructor.
You're supposed to be encouraging me.
And you're supposed to be seven.
Besides, it's not that hard.
Even he can do it.
You know I was a
cheerleader in high school.
Well, Mama, you dance on TikTok.
Why can't you do this?
Well, the truth is,
I could never get it.
So I lied, okay? I quit
folklóricoas a kid.
You quit, and now you're
forcing me to do it?
Why pass down this trauma, Mama?
- We've been in court.
- We've been in a pawn shop.
If we hit up a strip
club on the way home,
this is my perfect day!
I can't believe we
didn't sign those papers.
It's embarrassing.
You know how many times I
bragged about divorcing you?
And splitting this ring 50/50
is the right thing to do.
Yeah, or you could keep it
and we could just do nothing.
What are you suggesting?
That we stay married?
No. I mean, you know,
that we stay whatever we are.
I mean, we're in a good place.
We just watched a man pawn
the gold from his molar.
This is not a good place.
No, I mean we're getting along better.
Today in court we had
each other's backs,
and that's on the
highest-rated daytime TV show
amongst Latinas over 70.
Well, I agree.
We are getting along better than ever
as friends, but not as husband and wife.
Well, I like being your friend,
and if there's some
benefits down the road
[WHISTLES] Come on.
I wouldn't hate it.
I would.
Besides, you know, one day
one of us might meet someone.
- Yeah.
- And by one of us,
I could only mean me. [LAUGHS]
Yeah, well, you're not gonna
find anybody better than me.
The guy who pawned his
teeth is better than you.
I appraised your ring,
and it's unlike anything
I've seen before.
We're rich!
It's worth about $30.
What are you talking about?
- You heard of cubic zirconia?
- Yeah!
Well, this is fake cubic zirconia.
- Wait a wait a minute!
- I paid $3,000 for that ring.
Now I gotta sue the
undertaker that sold it to me!
Looks like I'm gonna have to
go see Judge Justicia again.
You think she's hot, don't you?
- Oh yeah, hot and mean.
- You know that's my type.
[LAUGHS] Yes, I do, viejo cochino.
[LAUGHS] Well, then give me my $30,
so I can go make it rain at El Torito.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I feel horrible for lying to Chance.
I think we're gonna have
to get him a real machete.
Mom, are my ants on a log ready,
or did you quit making snacks too?
I'm sorry I lied to you, Gordo.
It's just, I wish I
hadn't quit folklórico.
Someone in this family
has to be able to do it.
Um, hello?
Someone Mexican in this family
has to be able to do it.
But I shouldn't have
forced you to do something
you really don't enjoy.
So that's the last time
I'm seeing a dentist?
I just don't want us
to lose the Mexican part
of being Mexican American.
But I'm sure we can find something else
connected to our culture
that's fun for the both of us.
I'd like that, Mommy.
You know what you could do together?
Exclude me.
Oh wait, you're already doing it.
Yeah, being sensitive
is a white tradition.
♪
Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here today
to witness the end of a marriage
that should have ended ten years ago.
Thanks for making me your worst man.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] And
your maid of dishonor.
We really do need more friends.
It was quite a surprise for everyone
to find out these two
were still married.
I found out when Tía Daisy told
me to turn on "Corte Caliente."
Every viejita's gonna
want a piece of this.
Dad, do you take Mom
to be your ex-wife,
to not have and to never
hold, till death do you part?
Can we negotiate the never hold part?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Mom, do you take Dad
to be your ex-husband,
till death do you part?
As long as he dies first, I do.
Then by the power vested in me
from no legitimate authority,
I now pronounce you
ex-husband and ex-wife.
Congratulations.
You may now diss the bride.
You shouldn't have
been wearing white now,
like you shouldn't have
worn white back then.
[LAUGHS]
You look like "Dumb and
Dumber's" other friend,
Dumbest.
I really think these
two are gonna make it.
Hit the music.
- [DISCORDANT ACCORDION MUSIC]
- [GROWLS, WHINES]
♪
This is awesome!
You sure, buddy?
'Cause it's okay if you don't
like it and you wanna quit.
I'm doing it for the culture!
♪
[DISCORDANT ACCORDION MUSIC]
[BRIGHT TONES]
[BRIGHT TONES]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I'm here!
I did a little cleaning and
look what I found, Mayan,
your baile folklóricocostume.
Yeah, I love that dance.
They do it every time they bring out
the sizzling fajita
platter at El Torito.
Oh, you were so cute
dancing around in this.
Who knew you'd peak at six?
You put me in so much makeup,
people confused me
for a tiny drag queen.
You were the Tammy Faye of folklórico.
Aw.
You guys should keep up the tradition
and force Chance to do it.
I ain't wearing that tacky dress.
Please, he's already
quit karate, chess, piano.
He'd quit this family
if he got a better offer.
That boy needs to do more
than just play video games.
When I was his age, I had a
ton of after-school activities.
Gardening, plumbing, AC repair.
You need to make him more resilient.
I'm resilient.
But in case Grandpa doesn't know,
remind him what that means, again.
You don't have to remind me. I
don't know what the hell that is.
It means following through with
something, even when it's hard.
Oh, yeah. I'm definitely not that.
But folklóricois different than
all the other stuff you've done.
They're dances that tell the stories
of the many regions of Mexico.
It's a rich part of your culture.
Boring!
One of the dances
lets you use a machete.
Baby's first weapon? I'm in!
Quinten, do you know of anyone who wants
to buy a diamond ring?
Mayan, your mom is nagging
us to get married again.
I'm out!
I also found my old wedding ring.
I think it's time that I sell it.
See what 20 years of pain and
suffering goes for these days.
Well, wait a minute.
If anybody should have
that ring, it's me.
I missed seven Los Lobos concerts
to pay for that ring.
Why don't you just sell the
ring and split the money?
No way, commie.
That's exactly what Fidel would want.
♪
Today on "Corte Caliente,"
a woman sues her bodega guy
for performing indecent
acts with melons.
Oy, this is gonna be juicy.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Oh thank heavens, you're alive.
Of course.
My main goal in life is to outlive you.
Why are you interrupting my show?
I wanted to check the batteries
on your carbon monoxide detectors
because I don't want you to fall victim
to the silent killer.
Trust me, Rosie.
You have to be thorough
about these things.
Oh, the detectors look good.
You really only need
one to work, anyways.
Okay. Bye.
You forgetting something?
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.
- Ugh.
Not that.
This. My ring.
I forgot that's where you
kept all the good stuff.
You're never gonna get it
these or this.
All right, if we can't
decide who owns the ring,
I think we should do the fair thing.
- What's the fair thing?
- Give it to me.
Look, there's only
one way to solve this.
We need to argue our case
in a civilized and professional manner.
Señor, why are there
holes in all of your melons?
We're gonna take this
to "Corte Caliente."
"Corte Caliente"?
I always wanted to be on
TV, but they said it makes
your head look, like,
three times bigger,
so I probably gotta stand like this.
♪
Come on, Gordo. You're gonna
be late for folklóricoclass.
That's the point.
[GASPS]
Ay, qué chulo!
Aww, you look so adorable.
Without the fajita
platter, I just look silly.
No, you look like a proud Mexican boy
who values the cultural
traditions of folklórico.
Folklóricosucks.
Mijo, when I was a kid,
I wanted to quit folklóricotoo,
but I'm glad I stuck
with it because now,
it's a special skill on my résumé.
[SIGHS] Ugh, fine.
My resume could use some padding.
Why do you have a résumé?
Since you signed me up
for folklóricoclass,
I put some feelers out for new parents.
[EXPLOSION]
Corte Caliente, Corte Caliente ♪
Corte Caliente, Corte Caliente ♪
Corte Caliente, Corte! ♪
Caliente!
- Buenas tardes.
- [APPLAUSE]
I am Judge Justicia.
Esto es "Corte Caliente."
[APPLAUSE]
Let's hear from the litigants.
My ex-wife kept the wedding ring,
and then hid it in her bra.
So today I'm here to
seek breast-itution.
[FEIGNING CRYING] Oh, he
took everything from me.
The least he could do
is let me keep that ring!
[SOBS]
Was that good? 'Cause
I could do it again.
Corte! ♪
Stop that, Señor Lopez.
You could lean back into last week,
and your head still
wouldn't look any smaller.
You're here to sue your
ex-wife. Care to tell us why?
Uh, yes.
This bruja ruined my life.
I am a hard-working
small-business owner
of an affordable moving company,
Lop E.Z. Movers.
Please follow me on
Instagram at L-O-P-E
- [GAVEL THUDS]
- Silencio!
This is a court of law, not a place
for you to shamelessly
advertise your business.
And we'll be right back after
a word from our sponsors.
Corte! ♪
And when I found him
passed out on the lawn,
buck naked, tangled up
in our Christmas lights,
nalgasflapping in the wind
I said, "Yeah, enough is enough."
Wow.
After everything I have just
heard from this defendant,
I don't get how you're
still alive, Señor Lopez.
Alcohol is a preservative, Judge, so
I'm pickled.
How do you respond to these accusations?
By calling my first caricature witness.
I'd like to buy a vowel.
Technically, everything Rosie,
la rata de dos patas, has said is true.
But she started it!
So Oscar, would you please testify?
Your Majesty,
back in the day, the
defendant used to be super-hot.
I mean, she still is,
but she used to be too.
I'll allow it.
Rosie was starved for intimacy
because George stopped
being affectionate with her.
That's when she started
having an emotional affair
with a barista at El Starbucks.
[AUDIENCE MURMURS]
And how do you know this information?
Because that barista was me!
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
I'm just kidding.
I always wanted to
make an audience gasp.
Truth is
I caught them feeding
each other cake pops.
[AUDIENCE OOHS]
Corte! ♪
[ENERGETIC TRADITIONAL MUSIC]
♪
Okay, Chance. To the left.
The other left. El left. Ay, Dios!
♪
There's no way he's drunk, right?
♪
I know it's a Mexican tradition,
but we should not be
making him do something
he doesn't want to do.
Making him do something
he doesn't want to do
is also a Mexican tradition.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Great job, almost everybody.
Let's all take a five.
I hate this!
I'm a disappointment to the Lopez name,
and that's saying something.
No! You're doing so great.
- Right?
- Ma'am, don't lie to your son.
If I have to keep dancing,
then you have to do it, too.
Gordo, this is a class for kids.
It would be weird for me to join.
Plus, I'm really good.
I don't want to
embarrass the instructor.
Everything okay, Chance?
Would you like to take a
longer break, like forever?
- Can my mom dance with us?
- She's really good.
But she's worried she's
gonna embarrass you.
[CHUCKLES] I didn't say that.
He's drunk.
Parents are always
encouraged to participate,
especially the ones who think
they can do my job better than me.
Oh! Oh, oh, this is happening!
Corte! ♪
What do you have to say about
this vagrant's testimony,
Miss Flores?
Ay, es verdad.
[AUDIENCE OOHS]
I did have an emotional affair,
but only after I found out
George was cheating on me.
While I was having cake pops,
he was out getting that cookie.
And I also have a witness.
Excuse me.
Really? You two don't
have any other friends?
Oh, yeah. George definitely cheated.
And I know this because it was with me!
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
[LAUGHS] I got you again!
No, George, uh, prefers
his men to be women.
Objection!
This witness is not saying
what I bribed him to say!
You said those $20 were for parking!
- I said a lot of things
- [GAVEL THUDS]
Silencio!
Looks like this wedding ring
is the very least of your worries.
These public records
reveal that the two of you
are technically still married!
[ALL GASP]
And that's how you get a gasp.
♪
Did you say that I am still
married to this dusty saco de papas?
Is this your producer's way
of manufacturing more drama?
Because if so,
great twist.
Everything we manufacture
on this show is real.
I have the divorce papers right here.
Señor Lopez never signed.
Why am I not surprised, George?
You screwed up our marriage.
Of course you're gonna
screw up our divorce.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- You should have followed up.
You were married to him for 20 years.
I've known him 20 minutes,
and I know he's an idiot.
I'll allow it.
I mean, I was so overwhelmed
from the separation
that I quickly mailed everything in.
It was a difficult time.
I was an emotional wreck.
Oh, poor Rosita.
Tough to stones!
You should have read it.
This was your divorce,
not the user agreement
for "Candy Crush."
[AUDIENCE OOHS]
Oy, this is only fun when
it happens to other people.
Wait a minute, that's a
bunch of caca caliente, Judge.
Rosie was starting a
business, raising a daughter,
and getting over the best thing
that ever happened to her me!
What gives you the right to be so judgy?
- Oh, yeah, that's true.
- Well, he's got a point.
I don't see a ring on that finger.
What do you know about marriage?
I'm married to justice.
That sound like something
a sad, single, desperate lady would say.
[LAUGHS] Yeah. What's justice, huh?
The name of one of your seven cats?
[MEOWS]
Yeah, you probably cry in
your soup all night, huh?
- Sad soup lady with cats.
- [LAUGHS]
Mmm, mmm, mmm! Oh,
look, it's my favorite!
It's cream of lonely. Toma, gatito!
[HIGH-PITCHED] It's muy caliente.
Oh!
Enough.
Should I escort them out
of your courtroom, Judge?
I've always wanted to
play a macho bailiff.
My catchphrase would be
[GRUFF VOICE] "You tell 'em, Judge."
No.
- I welcome this.
- What?
I welcome it? Oh, look. I welcome it.
I attacked your
character for two reasons.
One, because I knew it would
unite you two against me.
And two, because it's just good TV.
It's clear that you two still
care deeply for each other.
Plus, you're both tóxicos.
When you two got married,
this ring became
property of your marriage.
And since you're still not divorced,
this case is dismissed.
Justice has been served
caliente.
Now get out of my courtroom!
[GRUFF VOICE] You tell 'em, Judge.
You too!
[ENERGETIC TRADITIONAL MUSIC]
♪
Miss Lopez, a big part of
dancing is moving your body.
Baila, mujer. Baila.
♪
Mommy, what was that?
You told me you were good.
Folklóricohas changed
since I was a kid.
No part of what you're doing
has ever been folklórico.
You're an instructor.
You're supposed to be encouraging me.
And you're supposed to be seven.
Besides, it's not that hard.
Even he can do it.
You know I was a
cheerleader in high school.
Well, Mama, you dance on TikTok.
Why can't you do this?
Well, the truth is,
I could never get it.
So I lied, okay? I quit
folklóricoas a kid.
You quit, and now you're
forcing me to do it?
Why pass down this trauma, Mama?
- We've been in court.
- We've been in a pawn shop.
If we hit up a strip
club on the way home,
this is my perfect day!
I can't believe we
didn't sign those papers.
It's embarrassing.
You know how many times I
bragged about divorcing you?
And splitting this ring 50/50
is the right thing to do.
Yeah, or you could keep it
and we could just do nothing.
What are you suggesting?
That we stay married?
No. I mean, you know,
that we stay whatever we are.
I mean, we're in a good place.
We just watched a man pawn
the gold from his molar.
This is not a good place.
No, I mean we're getting along better.
Today in court we had
each other's backs,
and that's on the
highest-rated daytime TV show
amongst Latinas over 70.
Well, I agree.
We are getting along better than ever
as friends, but not as husband and wife.
Well, I like being your friend,
and if there's some
benefits down the road
[WHISTLES] Come on.
I wouldn't hate it.
I would.
Besides, you know, one day
one of us might meet someone.
- Yeah.
- And by one of us,
I could only mean me. [LAUGHS]
Yeah, well, you're not gonna
find anybody better than me.
The guy who pawned his
teeth is better than you.
I appraised your ring,
and it's unlike anything
I've seen before.
We're rich!
It's worth about $30.
What are you talking about?
- You heard of cubic zirconia?
- Yeah!
Well, this is fake cubic zirconia.
- Wait a wait a minute!
- I paid $3,000 for that ring.
Now I gotta sue the
undertaker that sold it to me!
Looks like I'm gonna have to
go see Judge Justicia again.
You think she's hot, don't you?
- Oh yeah, hot and mean.
- You know that's my type.
[LAUGHS] Yes, I do, viejo cochino.
[LAUGHS] Well, then give me my $30,
so I can go make it rain at El Torito.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I feel horrible for lying to Chance.
I think we're gonna have
to get him a real machete.
Mom, are my ants on a log ready,
or did you quit making snacks too?
I'm sorry I lied to you, Gordo.
It's just, I wish I
hadn't quit folklórico.
Someone in this family
has to be able to do it.
Um, hello?
Someone Mexican in this family
has to be able to do it.
But I shouldn't have
forced you to do something
you really don't enjoy.
So that's the last time
I'm seeing a dentist?
I just don't want us
to lose the Mexican part
of being Mexican American.
But I'm sure we can find something else
connected to our culture
that's fun for the both of us.
I'd like that, Mommy.
You know what you could do together?
Exclude me.
Oh wait, you're already doing it.
Yeah, being sensitive
is a white tradition.
♪
Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here today
to witness the end of a marriage
that should have ended ten years ago.
Thanks for making me your worst man.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] And
your maid of dishonor.
We really do need more friends.
It was quite a surprise for everyone
to find out these two
were still married.
I found out when Tía Daisy told
me to turn on "Corte Caliente."
Every viejita's gonna
want a piece of this.
Dad, do you take Mom
to be your ex-wife,
to not have and to never
hold, till death do you part?
Can we negotiate the never hold part?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Mom, do you take Dad
to be your ex-husband,
till death do you part?
As long as he dies first, I do.
Then by the power vested in me
from no legitimate authority,
I now pronounce you
ex-husband and ex-wife.
Congratulations.
You may now diss the bride.
You shouldn't have
been wearing white now,
like you shouldn't have
worn white back then.
[LAUGHS]
You look like "Dumb and
Dumber's" other friend,
Dumbest.
I really think these
two are gonna make it.
Hit the music.
- [DISCORDANT ACCORDION MUSIC]
- [GROWLS, WHINES]
♪
This is awesome!
You sure, buddy?
'Cause it's okay if you don't
like it and you wanna quit.
I'm doing it for the culture!
♪
[DISCORDANT ACCORDION MUSIC]
[BRIGHT TONES]