The Munsters (1964) s01e31 Episode Script

[Pounding.]
Good day, madam.
Is your husband home? Uh, I'm afraid he's not, sir.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Good! Oh! [Laughing.]
Herman! You're so cute.
You just give me vulture-bumps all over.
L I do have a certain built-in charm.
Lily, dear, was there any mail today? No, but the express company delivered a box from the Old Country.
Oh.
I had them put it in here.
Oh, let's see who it's from.
Eh, it's Uncle Gilbert! We'll-We'll have you out in a jiffy, Uncle Gilbert.
You're just in time for dinner.
No, no, Herman.
It's not Uncle Gilbert.
It's from Uncle Gilbert.
Oh, eh, sorry.
A natural mistake.
I don't know what's in it, but he sent a letter asking us to keep it for him until he gets here.
He's coming over on a visit in two or three days.
Oh! Hey, Pop.
I've been waiting for you to get home.
You can open the crate with my genuine Transylvanian Boy Scout hatchet.
Thank you, son.
[Shrieks.]
Ah! Gold coins.
Hundreds of them! [Eddie.]
Yippee.
! But Uncle Gilbert isn't a rich man.
Where in the world would he get thousands of dollars out of the blue? Well, Uncle Gilbert used to be a politician.
Maybe Transylvania was declared an unfriendly nation, and our government automatically sent them foreign aid.
[Chuckling.]
And here's your receipt, Mrs.
Munster.
When we learned you had such a big deposit, we were happy to send along our armored car.
I see it came to a hundred and eighty thousand dollars.
You know, those coins are pure gold and very rare.
They appear to be Spanish doubloons.
Well, you've been very helpful, Mr.
Benson.
It would be a nuisance to have all that loose change kicking about the house.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Yes.
Everything taken care of, Aunt Lily? Oh.
This very efficient young man has been very, very helpful.
Oh, I guess you two haven't met.
Mr.
Benson, this is my niece, Marilyn.
Uh, well [Chuckles.]
I'm very glad to meet you, Miss Alan.
My first name is Benson, but you can call me Marilyn.
Oh, I'm sorry.
A hundred and eighty thousand pardons.
What I mean to say is, l I sure am delighted to meet ya.
Uh, well, bye.
Oh.
Good evening, Grandpa, Lily.
Uh, sorry I had to work late, dear, and eat downtown, but before I left the parlor, I had to lay out some work for tomorrow.
That's all right, Herman, but keep your voice down.
Hm? Keep my voice down? What are you doing sitting here in the kitchen? Don't tell me Spot ate the living room furniture again! No, don't, no.
We're sitting here because Marilyn is sitting in the living room with a young man.
That new assistant manager the bank sent over? He fell for her like a ton of headstones.
Plain, old, drab Marilyn? Yes, Herman.
It must be either love or astigmatism.
Lily and I are trying to make sure he doesn't get away.
Pretty soon, I'm going to sneak out and bolt the front door.
I'm going out now and see if they're sitting close together.
[Laughs.]
Lily.
Grandpa.
I do not believe we should try to push Marilyn's romance along.
We should let it take its own course.
But, Herman Uh, Grandpa.
If Marilyn's clock of romance has begun to tick, it does not behoove us to overwind her mainspring.
And the minute I saw you this morning, I wanted to know you better.
Did you want something, Aunt Lily? I hate to disturb you two, but could I borrow that pillow? This one, Mrs.
Munster? Yes.
I was making some chicken soup, and I ran out of feathers.
Hmm.
These'll do nicely.
Yeah.
Sure.
Oh, Mr.
Benson, uh, why don't you sit over here on the sofa next to Marilyn? [Chuckles.]
It's much more comfy.
Yes.
Uh, thank you.
She makes chicken soup with feathers? Doesn't everyone? How's everything going? I borrowed the pillow out of his chair, so he has to sit on the sofa next to Marilyn.
Good! Listen, you two.
I am against promoting romance.
It will lead to no good.
We don't want it to lead to any good.
We want it to lead to marriage.
Grandpa.
What are you What are you doing? I've got Eddie stashed away in the dungeon.
Ha-ha! It's part of my master plan.
[Buzzing.]
Come in, Eddie.
This is Grandpa.
Over.
Well, now, isn't this cozy? You know, Marilyn, it's been a long time since I've met a girl like you, especially one whose home is so [Gasps.]
[Creaking.]
Hey, hey.
! Alan, what's the matter? Oh, there's something coming up out of the floor, and it's got fangs! Oh, that's just my little cousin, Eddie.
What is it, Eddie? Sorry to bother you two, but one of the lightbulbs went out down in the dungeon.
Eh Thanks a lot.
[Buzzing.]
Yes, Eddie? Phase two completed.
Over and out.
Good boy.
[Chuckling.]
Now they're sitting close together with the lights down low.
All we need is some soft music.
Leave it to me.
Shades ofTristan and Isolde, shoot me a love theme straight from the shoulder.
?? [Organ: "Let Me Call You Sweetheart'".]
The organ, it's playing by itself! Yes, isn't it romantic? You hear that? It worked.
Oh, Grandpa, you are a genius! Oh, I must admit that you ?? [Glissando, Upbeat Melody.]
What was that? Something must have gone wrong.
What? It's never done that before! Aunt Lily! Grandpa! Help! Grandpa.
! Grandpa! Herman! Come on! Not me.
You made your kettle of fish, now sleep in it.
So there! [Gasps.]
Oh! Down! Down, boy! Sit! Stay! Down, boy! Hold it, hold it.
! Down, down.
! Stop.
! [Overlapping Shouts.]
- Alan! Alan! - [Door Creaks, Shuts.]
Whoa! Herman, come quick! We need your help! Herman! Well, don't just stand there! Do something! Allow me.
?? [Slows, Stops.]
There.
[Chuckles.]
I hope it doesn't wriggle till after sundown.
You want a little more coffee? No, no.
That's okay.
I've stopped shaking now.
What happened? You told me this girl was such a doll.
Oh, Marilyn is.
But that house and the aunt and the grandfather.
Boy, they're like something out of Edgar Allan Poe.
Well, I guess you'll be scratching her off your list, huh? Gosh, no.
I can't afford to, not since I saw that solid gold deposit they made.
Ben, that girl has really got what it takes a hundred and eighty thousand dollars'worth.
I wouldn't mind saying "I do" to a balance like that, huh? You know something, Alan? You're really a rat.
Okay, okay.
But you'll talk nicer to me when I'm a rich rat.
Herman, frankfurters, please.
If you'll just wait, Grandpa, they'll be there in a minute.
Hey, how come Marilyn's not eating with us again tonight? Because, Eddie, that nice young boy from the bank called her and asked her out on another date.
[Laughs.]
That's four dates this week, and he's always so anxious to be alone with her.
When she comes to the door, he won't even come into the house.
He just rushes her into the car and takes off! What kept you? You know, this is the first young man that's really seemed interested in Marilyn.
[Gasps.]
Wouldn't it be wonderful if he asked her to marry him? I'm all for it, all for it.
I haven't been to a wedding since I married my 140th wife.
I hope Marilyn has as wonderful a wedding as we had, Herman.
It was so touching when that mad scientist gave you away and then presented me with a copy of your blueprints.
I know, dear.
I just hope wherever Marilyn is tonight, she's looking into a pair of eyes as romantic as mine.
[Laughs.]
There.
Does that change your mind any? Gosh, Alan, I don't know.
An elopement sounds romantic and all that, but I hate to do things behind my family's back.
Now, wait a minute.
You say they love you and want you to be happy.
They'll get used to it.
But I think you better talk to my uncle about something as important as marriage.
He likes to do things the old-fashioned way.
It's just the way he's put together.
But that's just it.
What if he says no or tells us to wait? We might even lose each other forever.
You wouldn't want that to happen, would you, doll? Well, Alan, l Now, what were you saying? Well, an elopement might not be such a bad idea after all.
Arrive New York Harbor, Friday.
Will see you on weekend.
Hope money is in safe place.
Love and kisses, Uncle Gilbert.
Thank you, Operator.
Ho-ho! Oh, Grandpa, isn't that exciting? Yes.
He'll be here for the weekend.
Oh-ho-ho! Good old Gilly! He always was a fun fellow.
Now he'll get to meet Marilyn's beau, and if there's a wedding in the family, he can stay over for it.
Yes, and if Marilyn gets to marry that Mr.
Benson, I won't mind having a banker in the family.
After all, a fella who works in a vault can't be all bad.
Well, maybe we're getting our hopes too high.
After all, Marilyn is plain, and, well [Phone Ringing.]
I'll get it.
?? [Humming.]
Yeah, hello.
It's the Munster residence.
The Count speaking.
You don't know me, sir, but I'm a friend of Alan Benson's.
I thought I should warn you about something that's going to happen tonight.
What? Elopement? Yes, sir, and I feel it's my duty to tell you.
He's marrying your niece for one reason that money you have in our bank.
Hello? Hello? Hello! Grandpa! What-What's this about an elopement? [Groans.]
That fella's marrying Marilyn for her money.
And they're gonna elope tonight! Now let me get this straight.
This fellow, Benson, is eloping with our niece, Marilyn, tonight in order to get that hundred and eighty thousand dollars we put in the bank? - Yes, Herman, and Grandpa and I have worked out a plan.
- I'm all ears.
Well, first of all, Marilyn is so infatuated with this boy, that if we told her the truth, she wouldn't believe it, right? Right.
Now, the next step is to get Marilyn out of the way tonight, so she can't elope with him, right? Right.
And then we can confront this boy with what we know.
You follow me? Follow you? If we were any closer, we'd be dancing.
But how do we get Marilyn out of the way? Grandpa has a magic spell that'll transport her back to Transylvania for the night.
And then, right after we get rid of this Benson bum, I bring Marilyn back.
[Chuckles.]
I got this spell right out of my magic book.
Herman, it's our only chance.
That mean Mr.
Benson is going to be here at midnight to elope with Marilyn.
Come on.
Let's go upstairs and get this over with.
Sure are a lot of mean people in the world.
Why can't life be the way it is in Mary Poppins? Aah! [Groans.]
Meanie! Marilyn [Chuckles.]
Come with me and stay right over here.
Eddie, over there, Lily, right here and Herman, I'd like to have you over here.
Grandpa, what is this all about? Marilyn, we'll explain later.
It's for your own good.
Eh, Marilyn dear, be a good girl, and humor your poor, old, decrepit grandfather.
Thank you.
Don't let time or space detain ya.
Here you go to Transylvania.
Grandpa! L-It worked! That was really neat! [Chuckles.]
Grandpa, you really Eh, Grandpa? Grandpa! Lily, where did Grandpa go? Eh, Lily? Lily? Lily! Eh, Eddie, where-where's Lily? Eddie? Eddie? Where is everybody? Hmm.
[Clicks Tongue.]
Well, wouldn't you know? That old goofball "overspelled" himself! They've all been transported! [Phone Ringing.]
Every time there's a crisis, some boob has to telephone.
[Ringing Continues.]
Huh! Hello? Oh, hello, Grandpa.
Where are you? Where am I? I'm in the Happy Valley Motel in Kansas City.
Oh, really? Say, how is the weather there? Oh, it is clearing up a bit [Groans.]
Herman, the spell backfired.
We're all here.
I'll be darned.
When are you coming back? Look, Herman, all I've got with me is the one-way spell.
You've gotta go down to the dungeon and get the return-trip spell out of my magic book and read it to me over the phone.
Gotcha.
Uh, be right back.
- Uh, Grandpa.
- Yes, Herman? - Um, what was it I was supposed to get? - The return-trip spell out of my magic book.
That's right.
Uh, don't go away.
- Eh, Grandpa, it's me.
- Herman, did you get the formula? No.
It was dark down there, and the book snapped at me again.
Oh, brother! Will someone please tell me what's going on here? Yeah, Mom.
What's up? Oh, Grandpa, give me that phone.
Take Marilyn in the other room and tell her what happened.
Some sorcerer's apprentice he is.
Well, come, my dear.
I'll break it to you gently.
Now, first of all, that fella you're in love with is a rat fink.
- Herman, are you there? - Yes, Lily.
Now, listen, Herman.
It's almost midnight.
That Alan Benson is going to show up in 20 minutes to elope with Marilyn.
When he does, you're just going to have to be there waiting for him in her place.
Well, that's a good idea, dear, but don't you think he'll notice the difference? Oh, Herman! Herman, I don't want you to elope with him.
I just want you to tell him off.
I see, dear.
Tell him off.
Uh, right.
Be forceful.
Right.
Don't worry.
I'll give him a piece of my mind.
When I have to be, I can be a pretty terrifying individual.
[Wind Gusting.]
Hmm.
He'll be here in ten minutes.
[Clicks Tongue.]
I guess I'll just turn out the light, so I don't have to look at this horrible furniture of Marilyn's.
Boy, when he comes through that window and finds me sitting here, he's really gonna think he tangled with a tiger.
[Chuckles.]
[Yawning.]
[Snoring.]
[Snoring Continues.]
[Whispering.]
Marilyn! It's me, honey.
I've come to get ya! How could she sleep at a time like this? The least she could do is knock it off with the snoring.
Come on, sweetheart.
Wake up! It's your Prince Charming who's come to take you away.
Sweetie, darling.
It's me, honey.
That's strange.
She must wear mittens to bed.
Darling, are you Ohh! Ohh! Uh, young man, wait! Young man! Young man? Uh, young man! Young man? Young man.
! Young man! L Well, he certainly left in a hurry.
I didn't even have a chance to tell him off.
Well, I guess everyone looks kind of frightening when they first wake up.
Well, Herman, I must say, it's nice to be back home after a certain party forced us to take a plane all the way back from Kansas City.
I'm sorry, Lily.
But I at least saved you a full fare by flying back under my own power! And I'm glad to be home too.
The truth about Alan was an awful shock, but I guess I'll get used to it.
I'm sure you will, dear.
And to think that the money that that young man was after isn't ours at all.
It belongs to Uncle Gilbert.
Hmm! Hey, Uncle Gilbert oughta be here any minute.
Huh? His plane got into the airport Oh! Dear, I hope he doesn't have a hard time getting a taxi.
You know, sometimes [Pounding.]
I'll bet that's Uncle Gilbert! I'll get it! That's who it is! Herman! Uncle Gilbert! Come right in! How are you? Well, now, it certainly is good to drop in on my favorite relatives! Oh, yes! Hello, Uncle Gilbert! Hi, Uncle Gilbert! [Overlapping Chatter.]
Come right in and sit down, Uncle Gilbert! We haven't seen you in such a long time.
Come right in and sit down.
How are things going? Swimmingly.
Oh, but say, let me get out of these dry things and into something wet.
Well, sit down, Uncle Gilbert! Yes! Well, Uncle Gilbert, before I forget it, all that money you sent us is safe in the bank.
Fine, fine.
But, Uncle Gilbert? Uh, just one thing.
Uh, we were a little curious.
Where did you get all that gold? Yeah, Uncle Gilbert.
Where'd you get all those neat Spanish doubloons and rare gold pieces? Oh, those! Oh, why, Eddie, my boy, that's loose change I picked up in ships and treasure chests lying around in my neighborhood.
- No foolin'! - Sure! That's one reason I wouldn't live anyplace else in the world.
Oh, there's a lot of advantages, my boy, to being the Creature from the Black Lagoon.
[Eddie.]
Yeah! [All Laughing.]