The Munsters (1964) s01e30 Episode Script

Country Club Munsters

[Announcer] And our fourth-prize winner here in our local contest is BessieJune Rassmussen of Apple Valley.
Hmph.
I knew it wouldn't be me.
?? [Fanfare] The only thing I ever won were those free facials down at Antoine's.
Our third-prize winner is HarryJerome of 16 Maple Drive.
HarryJerome.
Why don't you tell everybody he's the sponsor's nephew! ?? [Fanfare] And for our second prize, our second-prize winner is Wilma Winninger of 477 Hesby Avenue.
Hesby Avenue? T-That's clear across town.
Politics! Politics! ?? [Fanfare] And our first-prize winner goes to a lucky person right here in Mockingbird Heights.
It's worth $5,000.
And the first-prize winner is Mr.
Herman Go ahead and say it.
Mr.
Herman Overholtzer.
Mr.
Herman Flork.
- Mr.
Herman Munster.
- Graft! Graft! Graft! You hear me? G Wait a minute.
It's me! It's me! [Yelling] It's me! I'm Herman Munster! I'm Hi! I'm Herman Munster! I won a prize worth $5,000! Lily, Grandpa! Everybody come in quick! What's the matter? What's up, Herman? What is it? The contest on TV! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! Where are you going, Grandpa? Where am I going? Down in the dungeon.
I wanna find out what Herman's talking about.
He'll be there any minute.
Uncle Herman, you can't keep us in suspense any longer.
Come on, Pop.
Tell us about the neat prize you won.
All right.
All right.
All right.
The Munsters mind you, the entire family has won a membership to the Mockingbird Heights Country Club.
Whoopee! [Excited Chatter] Oh, that club is so exclusive.
Why, you know you have to wait for one of the members to pass away before you can even be considered for membership.
I know.
That's what's so wonderful.
Once we're in, we can stay forever.
As far as I can recall, no member of my family ever passed away for good.
You know something, I think I'm gonna take up golf.
[Laughs] Only I'm not sure about being out in the sun too much.
I'd hate to lose my parlor pallor.
You know, Lily, I'm going to love it.
[Chuckles] It's gonna give me a chance to mingle with some real blue bloods.
Well, Grandpa, if you do, just don't put the bite on them right off the bat.
I have a letter here from the local television station.
They have a winner for that club membership we donated.
I was against that from the beginning.
This is an exclusive club and awarding a membership through a contest is very undignified.
I'm sorry, Petrie, but I'm inclined to agree with Reggie.
A thing like this can give us a more popular image with the community.
I'll go along with it because I seem to be outnumbered.
But who are these contest winners? It's a Mr.
And Mrs.
Herman Munster and family of Mockingbird Lane.
Well, we have a luncheon and fashion show coming up this week.
We can invite Mrs.
Munster to that and send Munster a guest card to play golf.
That way, we can get a close look at them see if they measure up to our standards.
You know, Grandpa? I bet it would even shake up Arnold Palmer to see me on the putting green.
[Both Laugh] You're good all right, Herman.
You know the last time I saw a swing like that was when they hung my Uncle George.
Herman! Grandpa! Uh, Lily.
Lily, dear.
Please.
I'm shooting.
Herman, guess what the mailman just dropped and ran? My new Bugs Bunny cartoon book? It's a letter from the Mockingbird Heights Country Club.
They're inviting me to a luncheon, and they sent you a guest card to play golf.
Oh.
You know, Lily, that's a very good idea.
It'll give us a chance to look over the club and see if the people measure up to our standards.
We'll have to dress to the occasion.
Um, I think I'll wear my new Transylvanian original.
You know, the one with the-the lovely shroud.
Old Hermie, the pro.
[Laughs] Fore! Grandpa, where did the ball go? What do you know about that? A hole in one.
From the turnout today, I think this is going to be our most successful luncheon.
Two of the Munsters have accepted our invitation, so this will give us a good chance to look them over.
I'm still not sold on this idea of awarding a membership through a contest.
It's the duty of this committee to see to it that only the right sort of people are admitted to the club.
Excuse me, where are they having the luncheon? - It's in the main grill.
- Thank you.
And that's another area this committee should take up.
Every time Charley Hinshaw gets a snootful, he dresses up in those ridiculous outfits.
That was the wildest one yet.
Lily, the man said that the luncheon is in the grill room.
Grandpa, this place is depressingly cheerful.
But I suppose this modern decor is what they go in for.
My the people are friendly here.
She told a perfect stranger where she got her dress and how much it cost.
Yes, b-but I don't care for that style.
I wouldn't want you to be seen dead in a dress like that.
You're right, Grandpa.
I'll make a point not to.
Never mind, Lily.
Shall we, uh, have a libation? Hi, folks.
A little early for a masquerade party, isn't it? Sure is.
[All Laugh] Oh, you club people are so jolly.
This is simple chiffon from the Paris Collection, 129.
95.
Now that dress is more like it.
When I used to fly around in the Old Country, I always found a high neckline a challenge.
I think it's sweet the way the women around here confide in each other.
I think I'll float around a bit and get acquainted.
This is simple chiffon from the Paris Collection, 129.
95.
This ensemble has a cape made of tufted coffin lining in a lovely shade of cemetery green.
This little number was very inexpensive.
The fabric is made of black widow's webs.
And the underslip, pure, unborn centipede.
Now, my friend, this is all very simple.
I'll show it to you again.
Now all you have to do is guess under which nut the spider is hiding.
Of course, if you don't guess the first time Grandpa, I showed the ladies my dress and Oh, good, you're showing the bartender the shell game.
Don't win too much, Grandpa.
[Both Laugh] Hey, that's not Charley Hinshaw.
Who are those people? Those are the Munsters.
Good heavens! He's gambling with the bartender.
She's gotten herself so stoned, she's joining the fashion show.
You still want those contest winners in our club? Petrie, I'm afraid I'll have to agree with you.
But I'll tell you something, when that Mr.
Munster shows up to play golf, if he doesn't turn out to be our idea of a human being, I'll throw them out personally.
Aunt Lily, do you mean the people were actually rude to you at the country club? Yes.
When we first went in, everything was fine.
But, suddenly, I had a feeling we weren't wanted.
That's right, Marilyn.
There I was playing my shell game with the bartender, when all of a sudden, some guy in a dark suit came by, scooped up my shells and led me outside.
He said they-they didn't allow nuts in the club.
It must be some kind of a rule of the department of agriculture.
I was going around showing off my dress, when one woman came up to me and said, "Why don't you go home and sleep it off, dearie.
" I tell you, Marilyn.
We might just as well face it.
Those people at the country club are just not our kind of people.
Oh, what a shame.
If Uncle Herman went down there and got insulted why, he's so sensitive, he'd go all to pieces inside.
Oh, that would never do.
The last time that happened, he rattled for a week.
I guess we'll just have to tell Herman that it won't work out.
That we don't want to join a club like that.
We're home from the golf store.
Yoo-hoo! We're home.
Well, how do you like it? The man at the store said this is what Ken Venturi wore when he won the National Open.
We're going to play tomorrow, and I'm going to caddy.
I bet everybody will follow us all over the course.
Oh boy, now I know how the Prince of Wales used to feel.
[Electricity Crackling] That's fine, Prince.
You better start feeling like a peasant again.
Hmm? Grandpa.
What's he talking about? Uh, well, Herman, um, what would you say if we, uh well, if we decided not to join the country club? Not join? What do you mean "not join"? Lily, I won that membership fair and square, and if I didn't join the club, it would crush my spirit.
And I don't want my spirit crushed.
Oh.
But I was thinking that I'd probably scare the boys away just as much at the country club as I do here.
- So I don't care if we join or not.
- You don't? - No.
- And I'd probably get to like the luncheons and the teas and the cocktail parties, and I'd start coming home late and serving you TV dinners and neglecting my family.
You know, all those little niceties that are part of country club living.
A-And Herman, I don't wanna join the club because there's no one there of my class.
After all, Herman, you know I'm a full-blooded count.
And the closest thing they have to royalty there is the bartender, "Duke" Fineberg.
You know, I've suddenly realized something.
[All] You do? Yes.
You know what you've made me realize? What? That you don't give a hoot what I want.
What does a man work for all his life? A little feeling of respectability and-and success.
Well, that's what joining the club would give me.
And that's what I want and I'm gonna have it.
You hear me? That's what I want and I'm gonna have it! I'm gonna have it! [Loud Thud] I'm gonna have it! I'm gonna have it! I'm gonna have it! Excuse me, Lily, while I continue this conversation with Herman in the dungeon.
"Dear Lily, Eddie and I have gone to the country club.
Will play a round of golf before work.
Signed, Arnie Munster.
" Look at the time.
It's 5:30 a.
m.
Half the day is gone.
That course will probably be jammed.
Oh, dear.
I just hate the thought of all those rude people staring at Uncle Herman when he tees off.
"Par five, 580 yards.
" Hmm.
Short one.
Pop? Hmm? Do you wanna pick a club? Oh.
Good idea, son.
Uh, eenie-meenie-minie-mo.
What am I doing? Eight's my lucky number.
Eight iron, caddy.
[Chuckles] There you are.
Thank you.
Oh.
Now isn't that nice of'em.
They left us two practice balls.
Now, the first thing you do, Eddie, is to address the ball.
Hello, ball.
[Laughs] [Stammers] That's a joke, Eddie.
Oh.
Sorry.
[Imitates Herman's Laugh] Now, Eddie, the hole's right down there.
Keep your eye on the ball like a good caddy.
Hmm.
You know, those practice balls are nice and big, but they're made very badly.
Give me one of our small ones.
Thank you, son.
Now.
- Ready? - Ready.
Hey, Dad? Hmm? It's in the rough.
Darn! On the third hole, [Grumbling] I think you overclubbed yourself.
I think you're right.
But, as they say in golf, Eddie, you gotta play 'em where you hit 'em.
Yeah.
Come on.
We'll ride down to the ball.
Okay.
[Loud Bang] Why do they call it the rough, Pop? [Groans] That's one of the reasons.
[Blows] [Loud Bang] I think I made the trap.
[Laughs] Come on, Eddie.
Hit it, Pop.
! Hit it.
! Now, Eddie, this is a very important shot.
Getting out of the sand.
Now watch closely.
Watch the sand.
Watch the sand, Pop.
Eddie! Eddie! [Stammering] I made it! I made it! I made it! I made it! I'm out and I'm pin high.
Eddie? Eddie.
Eddie, where are you, son? Eddie? Pop, you made the green! How about that? How about that? You know, Eddie? I never knew golf was such a fun game.
Come on, son.
Oh.
Oopsy-daisy.
Oopsy-daisy.
Well, that's what you get when you putt against the wind.
[Clicks Tongue] Just as I thought.
I've been putting against the grain.
[Excited Laughter] I made it! I made it! I made it! I made it! I made it! I made it! I made it! I made it! I made it! I made it! I made it! I made it! I made it! [Laughs] Come on, Pop.
Let's go to the next tee.
Be right with you, Eddie.
[Grunting] Come on, Pop.
I got your ball.
I'm coming, Eddie.
What a great game! And to think, when I'm a member, I'll be doing this every day.
I just hope those rude people didn't embarrass Herman when he tried to play golf this morning.
Lily, there's no two ways about it.
That country club is just not for us.
When Herman gets home from work, I'm sure he'll tell us he's decided the same thing.
And we all thought it was so great when he won that contest.
[Door Creaks Open and Closes] Hi, everybody.
Hello, dear.
Sweetie, about the country club Lily, please don't mention that country club.
It's just too sad to think about.
You're right, Herman.
Grandpa! Read the afternoon paper.
"Fiend desecrates golf course in early morning.
"Inhuman footprints were found this morning on putting greens at the Mockingbird Heights Country Club.
"Enormous gouges taken from turf and course flooded.
Greenskeeper is in a state of shock.
" - Herman, what does this mean? - What does it mean? It means that we are not gonna join the country club.
I will not jeopardize the safety of my family at a country club where some madman is allowed to run loose.
That's right.
That club is just no good all-around.
My letter of disapproval is already in the mail.
I've turned down that membership I won.
It's a shame we have to forfeit a $5,000 prize.
Well, as far as the money's concerned, I told the club that they could use that money to repair the damage to the course caused by that madman.
It's just lucky you didn't run into that fiend this morning when you were playing there.
[Gasps] Lily, don't say such a thing, dear.
If I ever came face-to-face with a frightening, horrible creature like that, it'd scare me out of a hundred years' growth.
Now, Herman [Gasps] Really, Herman.
After all the trouble we've had with that country club, haven't you had enough of golf? [Loud Crash] Someday, I may find a golf club worth joining.
And it won't hurt if I keep up with my chip shots.
Grandpa? Uh, did you see where-where the ball Oh, I'm Grandpa Herman, would you do me a favor? Certainly, Grandpa.
Don't ever take up bowling! Oh.
[Laughs]