The Munsters (1964) s01e29 Episode Script

Herman the Rookie

Oh, tidying up, Lily? I'm trying to, Grandpa.
We must tell Eddie not to let Spot play with his ball in the house.
Where are Eddie and Herman? Herman took Eddie over to the park to play a little baseball.
Oh, it's so nice to see a father and son so close.
Yes, Lily.
My father and I were very close.
And he used to give me such wonderful advice.
I remember one day, he said to me, "Son, as you go through life, always bury your mistakes.
" Bury your mistakes? Yes.
You see, my father never believed in divorce.
Now, Eddie, to throw a curve ball, you get two fingers around the top of the ball like this.
And then you squeeze down to get a nice firm grip.
[Explosion] [Shudders] Fiddlesticks! Um, uh, uh, give me another ball, Eddie.
Okay, but just hit a few flies.
All right.
But I've shown you this before, Eddie.
Now watch closely.
[Ball Soaring] Now, you get a nice open stance.
Feet planted firmly on the ground.
Nice firm grip on the bat.
Take it back nice and easy.
[Ball Descending Rapidly] 'Cause in baseball, there's a wrong way and a right way.
Uh, that's not the right way.
Now watch this.
[Rocketing] Uh, throw me another one, Eddie.
But that was my last ball.
Huh? Well, short baseball season, wasn't it? Mr.
Durocher, you really feel the Dodgers will win in the first division this year? First division? Look, Charlie, if we can come up with a power hitter I mean, a guy who can hit the long ball I think my old club is a cinch to win the pennant.
[Ball Descending Rapidly] I've been beating the bushes looking for a guy Mr.
Durocher! Leo! Are you all right? Yeah, uh I'm all right, but how close is the nearest ballpark around here? It's eight blocks away.
But your head.
Shall I call an ambulance? Never mind the ambulance.
Where's the guy who hit this ball? That's right, Walt.
This guy hit a ball at least seven blocks.
How do I know? It conked me right on the head.
Sure, it hurt, but what's a fractured skull if it's good for baseball? I was tipped off about this guy from some of the kids around the neighborhood.
His name is a Mr.
Herman Munster and he lives on Mockingbird Lane.
Don't worry about it, Walt.
I'll have his name on the contract first thing in the morning.
Oh, is this Munster character gonna be swept right off his feet with the most sincere, lovable, charming personality What do you mean, "Who am I sending?" I'm going myself! Ah! [Lily Chuckles] Oh, my! [Herman] Doesn't that look yummy.
How was your morning at the ballpark, Eddie? It was real crowded when we got there.
By the time Pop got up to bat, it thinned out.
Say, Herman.
Your boss, Mr.
Gateman, phoned and mentioned how busy you are.
Things really must be jumping down at the parlor.
Oh, no, they're not.
We keep a very tight lid on everything.
But we are busy.
As a matter of fact, I've brought home a lot of paperwork to do over the weekend.
- You really love your work, don't you, Uncle Herman? - Yes, Marilyn.
Nothing could drag me away from my job down at the parlor.
That's right, Herman.
And in just 12 years, the company will give you a big banquet and a gold shovel.
Kind of grabs you, doesn't it? Boy, I gotta love baseball to go through this.
[Loud Banging] Good evening, sir.
May I help you? Yes.
Is this the Munster residence? That's right.
I'm Leo Durocher, and I'd like to see a Herman Munster.
Oh, yes.
Won't you come in? Yes.
I've never seen a place like this in my whole life.
Not even in Brooklyn.
Thank you.
My Uncle Herman has some work to do right now, but you can talk to my Aunt Lily if you like.
Aunt Lily? Aunt Lily, I'd like you to meet Mr.
Leo Durocher.
He'd like to talk to Uncle Herman.
- Oh, how do you do, sir? - How do you do? I'd like to talk to your husband on business.
I'm sure he'd be glad to arrange everything in advance for you.
It's always nice to know where you're going before you go.
Well, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm in baseball.
Oh, I see.
Well, my husband's busy, but perhaps you could talk to my father first.
I'll call him.
Grandpa! Grandpa! [Explosion] Did you call, Lily? Grandpa, this is Mr.
Dur Mr.
Durocher? Mr.
Durocher? Oh.
[Chuckles] Leo Durocher! You could have knocked me over with a tombstone.
How do you do? It's a pleasure.
You're one of the greatest sports figures in the last 100 years.
Thanks, but I'm not that old.
I guess it won't hurt to disturb Herman.
Marilyn, would you call him? Oh, well, certainly, Aunt Lily.
Uncle Herman, there's someone up here to see you! Ya big dummy! Look what ya did.
That's Leo Durocher.
You scared him.
Me? In that black suit, he must have thought you were an umpire.
Leo? Leo? Wake up.
Wake up! I hope he's all right.
I don't like the way the color's coming back into his face.
He was safe by a mile! Don't tell me! - Oh.
- Take it easy, Mr.
You're among friends.
You gotta be kiddin'.
No, no, Mr.
This is my son-in-law, Herman Munster, the one you came to see.
Were you at the park this morning hitting some baseballs? That's right.
I was knocking out a couple for my boy.
One of'em hit me on the head eight blocks away.
Oh, you poor man.
That explains why you acted so strangely when you came in.
Listen, Mr.
Durocher, if you plan to sue, I can dig up 50 witnesses to prove we never left Transylvania.
No, no, no.
I have a business proposition for Mr.
And I wonder if I could talk to you alone.
Uh, would you excuse us? Of course, dear.
In case you need me, Herman, just give me a howl.
[Whispering] I wonder what the business proposition is, Aunt Lily.
I don't know, but the last time a man talked to Herman alone, he wound up buying a secondhand Edsel.
Say, uh, Herman, have you ever played baseball before? Uh, baseball? Yeah.
Well, I've, uh I've fooled around a little with the game.
I, uh, played a little second base.
Well, I can see that's where you made your mistake.
Hmm? Well, you know when that runner's on first coming down into second base to break up the double play? You've gotta keep your face outta the way of those spikes.
Oh, right.
I'll try to remember that.
I'll say one thing, boy.
You're really built.
You're put together like a ballplayer.
Well, thank you.
That wasn't the plan.
I just came out that way.
Herman? Hmm? Does Mr.
Durocher really think you could be a big baseball player? That's right, Lily.
I'm going down to the baseball park this morning and try out.
He says I've got it in the bag.
[Laughing] Oh, boy, my dad playing for the Dodgers.
Wait till I tell the other kids.
You know, that's great, Herman.
There's big money in baseball.
Oh, it's not just the money, Grandpa.
What I'm looking forward to is the fringe benefits.
I'll be able to endorse breakfast foods and shave on television.
And I'll be able to sit in the audience on the Ed Sullivan Show and have him mispronounce my name and everything.
But, Uncle Herman, what about your job at the parlor and your career? Yes, Herman.
Gateman has great plans for you down there.
And he's so proud of you, and the way you carry your share of the load.
That's true, dear.
Uh, that's very true.
But right now, Herman Munster is at the crossroads.
Should I struggle along at an old job for the promise of security in the future? Or should I grasp time by the forelock, and, on that great merry-go-round of life, try for the brass ring? Translation the big ham thinks he can play baseball.
[Cackling] You can scoff if you wanna, Grandpa, but when I go down to that ballpark this morning, it's gonna be one, two, three strikes, you're out.
Hello? Mr.
Gateman? This is Mrs.
Herman Munster.
How are you? Oh, good.
Oh, yes, I'm fine.
Thank you.
Enjoying perfect health.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to get your day off to a bad start.
I'm calling for my husband, Herman.
He won't be able to get into the parlor today for work.
No, no, he's not sick.
He has an appointment downtown with a Mr.
Leo Durocher.
No, Mr.
Durocher's not sick either.
But Herman will be glad to give him one of your cards.
Yes, I hope I hope Herman will be able to come in tomorrow.
Oh! Please give Mrs.
Gateman my regards.
The last time I saw her she looked so natural.
Hey, Leo.
Where's this great prospect you were telling me about? He's in the clubhouse getting his uniform on.
He'll be right out.
Hey, what's he like? Well, he's no matinee idol.
You know, it's the whole family, it's a weird setup.
They all look like a bunch of wetbacks from the Petrified Forest.
Boy, Pop, you sure look neat in that new outfit.
Oh, thank you, son.
Oh, boy.
Your old man's gonna be a big-league star.
[Explosions] Take it easy, Pop.
The other guys will think you're a crackup.
- Good morning, Mr.
- Hiya, Herm.
Who is What is this? Uh, this is my son.
Edward Wolfgang Munster.
I can see the family resemblance.
How do you do? It's very nice of you to give my father this wonderful opportunity.
Oh, that's nothing.
It's fine.
I want you to meet a friend of mine, Charlie Hodges, a reporter.
- How do you do? - How do you do, Mr.
Munster? Come on, Herman.
Hold it, Bill.
You've had enough for a while.
Let Herman here.
Herman, grab a bat there and let's see you hit a couple.
Well, I'll give it the old school try.
[Laughing] Good morning.
Uh, oops-a-daisy.
[Laughs] Well, don't worry about that, Herman.
It happens to the best of them.
Here, try this one.
Thank you.
Uh, time! What's the matter? Where do you want it? Where do I want it? Why don't you try and hit it over the center field fence.
Got you.
That-a-boy, Pop! I don't believe it! [Eddie] Hit a grounder, Pop.
! [Ball Rocketing] Bingo! I never saw anything like it.
I don't know whether to sign him with the Dodgers or send him to Vietnam.
Grandpa, lunch.
What are we having? Bird's nest soup.
It's my favorite.
[Chirping] Well, I can always scramble an egg.
Lily, I wanna show you this new baseball I invented in my lab.
Oh, Grandpa, I don't wanna hear anything about baseball.
But, Lily, you've gotta see this.
This automatically makes every pitch a curve.
Now, watch this here.
You ready? [Ball Soaring] Ooh! Well, I ask you, is that a curve or is that a curve? I think this whole thing is ridiculous.
Imagine Herman, a grown man of 150 years old playing baseball with young men of 55 and 60.
Hey, Herman.
Excuse me, Mr.
I'm signing autographs for my fans.
Hey, Dad, this guy wants one for Don Drysdale.
There you go.
All right, Leo, I'll admit he's the greatest hitter I've ever seen, but what if he's all hit and no field? Well, I've been thinking of that, and I'll check on it right now.
Let's break it up, fellas.
Come on.
Let's play ball.
Here you go.
Let me have that glove.
Herman, let's see how you play center field.
Huh? How are you with flies? Well, to tell you the truth, they bother me a little in the hot weather.
I mean catching flies! Oh! Oh.
Uh, don't you worry, Mr.
I'll be right on the ball.
Oh, here.
Go ahead out there.
Go ahead.
Hey, will you hit a few fly balls to Herman in center field? He's gonna run into the fence! I knew it was too good to last.
[Crashing] That-a-boy, Pop! Did you see that? Now they tell me you can play second base.
I saw you in center field.
All right, now there's a man on first base.
There's one out.
The batter's gonna hit the ball to you.
I want you to step on second base, then relay the ball to first base to complete the double play, okay? Gotcha.
Yeah, but wait a minute.
That runner on first base is gonna try to knock you down or knock you over to take you out of the play.
So be alive.
Oh Okay, gang, let's talk it up out here! Let's get the old pepper goin'! Take him out of there now, Jim.
Knock him down if you can.
[Bat Striking Ball] [Stammering] - Uh, what do I do now? - Throw it home! No, no, no.
! Hold it.
! No, no, no.
I quit, Leo.
! I'm going back to the minors.
Uh, here you go.
[Man] No.
! Darn, Mr.
Durocher! Nobody wants to play with me! Darn, darn, darn, darn! Oh, I knew it.
Lily! Lily! Marilyn! Look, look! [Laughs] Look, it's right here in the afternoon paper.
Look at this.
"Durocher keeps mystery prospect under wraps.
"Tryout reported held today with Herman Munster.
Said to be the greatest long-ball hitter in the history of the game!" Oh, boy! Herman's got it made! We'll all be rich! Oh! Well, why are you so against it, Aunt Lily? Well, for one thing, I wouldn't want my sweet pussycat to be a star and get a big head.
But, Lily, you can't hold him back.
He's no longer plain Herman Munster.
Your pussycat now belongs to the world.
[Door Closes] Herman! Herman, congratulations.
[Cackles] Where's the contract, huh? When do you start? How 'bout spring training? Does it start early, huh? I don't have a contract.
[Shouts] What? I don't start anywhere.
What? They don't want me.
We almost made it.
Pop was signing autographs for Don Drysdale and everything.
Then Mr.
Durocher made a phone call and told us to go home.
Well, what happened, Uncle Herman? Well, Mr.
Durocher called Mr.
O'Malley of the Dodgers and told him what I did, and then he hung up with a long look on his face.
Yeah, he said the way Pop batted the ball around and knocked over the scoreboard and everything, he'd ruin the field.
O'Malley said it would cost him $75,000 to put the Dodger Stadium back in shape every time I played.
Ooh, what a catastrophe! And they said the insurance companies wouldn't allow the players on the same field with me.
Herman, I didn't want you to do it, but just the same, I know how badly you must feel.
You know, Lily, I'm all washed up in sports.
I'm a has-been.
Oh, don't worry, Pop.
You can always play baseball with me in the park.
- Thank you, Eddie.
- Yes, Uncle Herman.
And I need you around to help me do my homework.
- Thank you, Marilyn.
- And, Herman, don't feel badly on my account.
So I won't make a million dollars sponging off you.
I can learn to live with it.
Thank you, Grandpa.
That's very touching.
Herman, you must realize how much we all love you and need you, each in our own way.
And I, most of all.
[Sniffles] Thank you, Lily.
Now look what you've gone and made me do.
I haven't cried like this since they canceled Kukla, Fran and Ollie.
[Sobbing] Grandpa, are you down here? I'm in here watching television.
! [Man Chattering On TV] Where's Herman and Eddie? They went to the park.
Oh, not baseball again.
No, I think they took the football with them this time.
Herman's always been great at sports.
Remember back in Transylvania when he was a cross-country runner? Oh, he had quite a following.
Crowds used to run after him yelling and screaming.
What are you watching? [Grandpa] It's a cooking show.
They're gonna give a recipe for an upside-down cake.
Uh, 6, 23, uh, uh, uh, 11, 12.
Hup! Thanks very much for the lunch.
It was very enjoyable, Charlie.
Elroy, as general manager of the Rams, I suppose you look forward to a real top season.
Yes, I think we're strong in every department.
But I'm a little worried about our punting.
[Ball Descending Rapidly] I got you.
Elroy, are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right, but tell me, is there a football field around here? No.
The closest one is eight blocks away.
Eight blocks? I think I might have the answer to our kicking problem.
! Take my advice.
Forget it if you don't wanna wind up going out of your skull.