A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s02e01 Episode Script

You thought a pandemic
was gonna stop me?
Start off that Spike Lee dolly shot
'cause I've been silent for too long.
That's right, it's me. Dr. Haddassah
Olayinka Ali-Youngman.
Google me, then throw
your smartphone in the trash.
It's making you stupid.
See, see, see, 5G was created
to infiltrate our brains
with the devil's propaganda: TikTok.
Tick tock, you're wasting
your fertile years on the 'Gram.
The only 5Gs I recognize
is Da Five Bloods,
five triumphant black men going back
to steal the oppressor's gold from Asia.
Meanwhile, in this country,
the only way five black men can gather
is if they're playing basketball.
I reject Verzuz.
Why would I ever celebrate
our black icons battling each other?
News flash. It's us "verzuz" them!
You know who them is.
And why so many Z's in Verzuz?
They're trying to put us to sleep!
If you cut a dollar bill in half, you
know what you'll find? A blonde hair.
They didn't put Harriet Tubman
on the twenty-dollar bill
because they don't want
our dollars to be free.
Think about it.
Tubman breaks down to tub man.
They don't wash their legs.
Stevie Wonder's not blind.
He was just sick of looking
at white people!
White people wouldn't know a racial
reckoning if it pulled up in a Volvo
with a kayak on the roof.
The real racial reckoning will be
when black people are reinstated
to our true place in society,
106 and Park.
I'm not worried about coronavirus.
See, see, see,
white people are the pandemic
for which we'll never have a vaccine.
But y'all don't hear me.
Maybe I have to rap it to you to get
you to understand the true learning.
Construct is a race, not the
other way and back again,
You stupid with a saggy face
'cause you ain't got no collagen. Bars.
Now enough with this dolly.
It's making me dizzy.
Where is this thing airing?
HBO? What's that stand for?
He bought and oppressed us?
A terrible name for a network.
A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW
Ladies, enough!
It is far too early
for us to be losing our minds.
We have to look out for each other.
We have to have each other's backs.
We're all we got. It's just us.
- Before Kevin cut the phone!
- It's just a phone!
When you sent us a Facebook invite
to the end of the world,
I did not think that you would be right.
- Bottoms up, hoes!
- Cheers!
Ginuwine was on the gurney.
- Your dildo to alcohol ratio is off.
- You all have me to thank.
What is wrong with you people?
I am the only one who had a plan.
I am the
- Is she dead?
- Robin, please get up.
- You had me muted on Twitter.
- Robin, wake up!
Wake up, girl!
How are you gonna pass out?
- Laci, do you know CPR?
- No. But I know P90-X.
- That is not helpful.
- Robin, get up.
It's time to toast. We just survived
the end of the world.
I know, thanks to my fortified house,
but that was yesterday.
No, thanks
to Skye's fortified warehouse.
Today. Just now.
What the fuck?
8:00 AM
10 minutes after The Event
GET YOUR LIFE
I thought I'd be driving a nice car,
married to my fantasy man,
live in a mansion
with a bathtub big enough
that my knees and my titties
can be underwater at the same time.
Instead, I ended up smelling
like hot grease,
married to a man whose beard
doesn't connect,
and having nine very ugly children.
Well, nine for now.
I rebuke that! Why has my life turned
out so wack, Psychic Zabrina?
Do you remember playing a game
of MASH, March 26, 1996
with LaDonna Deladio?
MASH? No, what do you
You and LaDonna sealed your future
the day you used the gel pen
to circle your fate.
You see, S is for the living in shack
with nine kids.
And driving a Ford Pinto?
Girl, pick a struggle. Wait!
- This is troubling.
- What is it?
It seems that LaDonna
tragically miscounted.
That girl was always trash at math.
She tried to tell me that trigonometry
was just slang for three niggas.
You must find her and replay the game,
for she is the only reason
you are not pushing a Lambo.
I knew I was meant to be opening
my doors like this,
not like this.
LaDonna!
Hey, it's me, Salina Duplass,
your bestie from middle school!
Remember?
Oh my Jesus!
So good to see you. I bow to you!
L-Drizzle, you look good, girl.
You look good
like you own two couches.
Look, I don't have any drugs.
Drugs? Why would you
'Cause I smell.
That's mustard.
It's a funny story. I went
to a psychic a couple days ago.
And she told me the reason
why my life is like Baby Boy Two
is because of this MASH game
we played years ago.
That's crazy, right? It's crazy.
So I just got in my car and bought some
adult diapers and came to find you.
Yeah.
You are here in an adult diaper.
- A MASH game, yeah?
- Yeah.
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
That's cool. We could just replay it
real quick. You don't have to remember.
Put that Trapper Keeper shit away,
Salina. Of course, I remember.
- From zero to 100 real quick
- You know what?
You got a lot of nerve coming up
in here demanding a replay.
What you get is what you gots.
Thems the rules.
I got what I got 'cause your ass
can't count.
The fuck you mean I can't count?
How many fingers am I holding up?
- Five.
- You gonna play this MASH.
No, no. There's no do-overs in MASH.
LaDonna, you're gonna give me
my la-do-over.
No, please, don't touch me.
Oh my God, you're so greasy!
What's going on over there?
Jason, Lyric, y'all stay in the house.
Daddy will be right back.
Oh my God!
- Is everything okay, baby?
- Yes.
Oh my God, you married Omarion?
You know he was my top choice!
Wait a minute.
Omarion, two kids, mansion.
Don't tell me you're a video vixen.
Goddamn it!
Those were all my good choices.
You stole my life!
You were supposed to be with me,
Omarion!
Damn!
You didn't think that you would be able
to touch me, did you?
I know all about your little MASH game,
Salina Duplass from sixth grade,
and I'm thrilled to be
in this paid off house
with this perfectly symmetrical woman.
And our Rhodes Scholar children.
Now, if you'll excuse me, me
and my queen have a Lambo to get into.
Baby, remember,
the doors open up like
All I wanted to do was touch.
My hat and my Trapper.
What the fuck?
I know, right?
Everybody's probably dead now.
No, not that. I've done this before.
You were there, and you were there,
and you were not.
And No, you were not.
Robin, not that I don't appreciate
the Judy Garland moment you're having,
but do you think you hit your head
when you passed out?
Of course she passed out.
It was an apocalypse.
So how did we all get here?
You really do have amnesia.
This is cute.
Guys, let's reset her memory.
Robin, your name is Viola Davis.
You're the star of a legal drama.
Laci, no.
Robin, we all answered
Skye's Facebook invite
to come to the end of the world party,
met her here about 15 minutes ago.
Then there was a loud boom, and now
we're the last people left on Earth.
And then we toasted.
Okay, all right.
That sounds familiar, I guess.
Yay! Her memory is back.
But just to be sure,
follow my finger.
Skye, it has been a minute.
I haven't seen you since you installed
my summer Iocs in January.
You do like to stay ahead
of the curve.
And I haven't seen you since
my hair appointment in February
when you got scissor happy.
In my defense, you had split ends
and beginnings.
So let me ask you this, Skye.
Exactly how did you find this place?
So you know when I'm not doing hair,
I'm a courier, right?
I thought you were a chef.
I thought you taught rich people's kids
how to krump.
So, I had to courie-ay
a package here last week.
And I realized that there
was nobody working here.
So, when I heard the apocalypse
was gonna pop off,
I knew this place would be dope.
So, of course I had to hit my girls up
and see if you wanted
to come through and live.
- You know I like being alive.
- I know you do.
All right, listen up! Everybody
on the ground now! I said now!
Do you think I'm playing with y'all?
Because I ain't.
Do you know how many times
I had to call up here
to get somebody on the phone? 16!
I didn't call Steve Harvey
that many times,
and I really needed an answer
to my strawberry letter.
Just take money
and let us go, please.
Money? This isn't about money.
This is about customer service.
Somebody is gonna listen to me today!
Everybody on the
Y'all already on the ground. Amen.
Well, stay on the ground then!
Don't shoot me. You can have all the
cash. That's not even why I'm here.
You're preaching to the choir, saint.
Ms. Harlot, I want to ask you
this one time,
to what capacity do you trust the
security of online banking services?
Completely, somewhat, dubious,
or not at all?
Dubious?
Thank you. I am sick and tired
of being ignored.
I hear that.
Don't nobody ever want
to take these dang surveys,
and I desperately need a diverse,
as in black, group of people
to participate so that I can reach
my weekly quota.
Handle your shit. I'll hold since
that's what I'm used to anyway.
Everybody freeze!
- Shit!
- Oh Lord!
Oh, wait! You can't because the Earth
is officially warming at a rapid pace.
Just take the money and get.
We have bigger fish to fry.
The fish are frying.
Alaskan salmon can't even lay their
eggs because the rivers are too hot.
But the tilapias are fine though, right?
Look, lady, those plastic titties
won't work as a floatation device
when Miami just slides off
into the ocean.
Is this plexiglass biodegradable?
What part of minimizing our carbon
footprint don't you people understand?
I can't be the only one who flips my
panties three times before I wash them.
Jesus, be an antibacterial wipe.
No money! We just want to be heard.
Come on, sis,
you should understand.
Do you hear us, lady?
We're talking to you!
Listen up!
Made me pop my ear on. Fine. What?
See, this is why I hate
customer service.
She ain't even have her ear on.
How was I supposed
to get my questions answered
when you don't even have your ear on?
Man, this is so unprofessional.
Like, that's not a lot to ask, lady.
- Didn't hear not a single one of us.
- I hate this shit.
I just want to be sure that the tilapias
are fine, right?
Okay, baby, you ready?
You know I can't hear you
when my eyes are covered.
Happy anniversary!
I know you come here all the time
with your girls, so you must love it.
It's a steakhouse,
and you're vegan.
- Yeah, I like their truffle fries.
- You do fucks with a truffle fry.
- Hey, Taryn!
- Tron! Hey!
My husband brought me
to this fine dining establishment,
for our anniversary.
Is it Tron, like the movie?
Pleasure to meet you, brother.
Let me tell you,
the way my wife's eyes twinkle
when she comes home
on Fridays and Saturdays,
my man, your customer service
must be rock solid.
Nice to meet you too.
I'm gonna go grab y'all some men.
Grab y'all some menus.
Be right back.
- Did I just see his butt?
- I'm sorry?
Did I just see Tron's butt?
- Did you? I don't know.
- I feel like I saw his ass just now.
You know athleisure.
Now they've got ass-leisure.
You should look it up.
Babe, this is nice.
This is nice!
They've got a little stage over there.
All these mirrors.
I've never seen so many full-length
mirrors in a restaurant before.
It's kind of kinky, like those hotels
with the mirrors over the bed.
Well, we could just get
this food and take it home.
I know you like to eat with
your pants unbuttoned anyway.
I unbuttoned them
as soon as we sat down.
I'm not letting anything get in the way
of our special night.
Look at that.
And they got extra support beams?
Any place that keeps my wife
this safe, all right by me.
Taryn, girl! Guess what?
Chocolate Cakes is back!
They got chocolate cake?
Now that's what I'm talking about.
Do they have that molten lava though?
Hey, Todd. You know what?
I actually think you probably
wouldn't like it 'cause
They got nuts.
Got to go! Bye!
Babe, you've been tense
since we got here. What's wrong?
What are you talking about?
Nothing's wrong. I'm not tense.
Relax. I've known you since
you were 35. Talk to me.
Okay. So, I have been keeping
a secret.
I come here so much because
this place, it's not a steakhouse.
It's a strip club!
Well, it also serves steak,
but it's a strip club.
I'm sorry.
- Todd? What are you doing?
- Happy anniversary, baby.
Happy anni-what?
No! That's my husband!
Did you catch all that?
What'd you think, baby?
I didn't love it.
I thought you liked when half-naked
men gyrating in your face.
Hey, Taryn.
Not now, Chocolate Cakes!
Listen, it's just
that it's different when you do it.
You got to
You ruin the fantasy.
Really?
After that, I don't know
if I ever want to come back here again.
- Mission accomplished!
- The fuck?
Good job, fellas.
Get y'all ass out of here.
That's firm, that's firm.
Hey, Tron, where the menus at, man?
If Rodney hadn't been sleeping
with both of you at the same time,
you two never would have become
friends.
And we would have never met
the Serena of hairstylists.
I guess Rodney did one thing right.
- He did a couple things right.
- Her memory is back for real.
- A dick will spark a memory.
- I remember dick.
It's been so long.
Like what, 15 minutes?
- Too long.
- 45 for me.
That was a good filter.
Good morning.
Good morning! I'm Nadia.
I'm Shantira, the bailiff.
I know who you are.
Is that the picture?
I thought that that was, like,
a Black Twitter rumor, like COVID-19.
Do you think it'll ever happen again?
I keep hoping.
But you know what they say?
Good things only happen
to black women once.
I'm actually inclined to agree
with your client,
but I'm not interested
in cutting corners.
I was voted most professional
in my graduating class.
Snap! Negresses! Deuces.
- Won't he do it?
- He just did.
One, two, three, four.
Dare I say it?
I think we have ourselves
a black lady Oh, no!
Good morning, ladies.
What am I? A pregnancy test?
Y'all looking at me real negative.
No. You're good.
All right, let's get started.
Just as a reminder, we are all here
to select a jury for Civil Case 5669B,
which starts tomorrow. Bailiff Shantira,
can you bring the pool in?
Forgive me, Your Honor.
Why? Do you run the wi-fi
for Verzuz?
I'm a little confused, Your Honor.
See, I'm a good-looking
black man, successful attorney.
I've got my Euro-cut suit on,
and I know I got you seasick
with these waves. Ahoy, matey.
So? I got waves too.
But what does any of that have to do
with the case, Counselor?
- Nothing. I'm single.
- I'm good.
Holy Dora Milaje!
It's a black lady jury,
Your Honor.
It's happening!
Y'all better pose.
Yes! Come on, melanin!
It's a video. It's a video.
Okay, America's Next Top Jury!
Yes, sis, sis, sis!
Come on, fro.
Dance or something. Yes!
- Fine ass jury.
- You can't film in a courtroom.
- Really, guy?
- Order in the court.
Let's begin jury selection.
Plaintiff's counsel,
we will start with you.
Thank you, Judge Harper.
Ladies of the jury,
have any of you worked for
or do you have family members
who work for the government?
Okay, great. So that brings me
to my second question.
Have any of you previously
participated in a black lady jury?
Black lady jury!
- Black lady jury!
- Now y'all doing the rockaway.
Okay, everybody, settle down.
Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.
My client had a shift
at Burlington Coat Factory.
She doesn't work there.
She just steals from 10 to four.
What in the pink oil?
What in the Murray's?
Yeah, girl, we can't call it.
Hey, y'all in here doing
Fat Joe choreo
when we're supposed to be selecting
the jurors for Case 5668-B.
First, your tone.
Second, that's not even
the right docket number.
I set it as Case 5669B.
That's on me. Let me just leave
your ladies to your
You right. Excuse me.
He lost his doggone mind.
Thank you, Your Honor.
I'd like to begin my petitioning
the court for a waiver of jury limits
so that all these queens
can take part in the proceedings.
- Granted.
- Black lady jury
Miss Judge, ma'am,
I would like to say something.
Ever since I first stepped
in your courtroom, my life changed.
I had never seen so many professional
black women in one place.
It inspired me,
and I wanted that feeling every day.
So, I went from a successful
but lonely small business owner
to committing petty crimes
and swindles,
hoping that it would one day lead me
back into a courtroom
full of beautiful black goddesses.
You did all of that just to be with us?
Yeah, bailiff, I did.
I'm sorry.
Your Honor, I don't represent her,
but I would like to plead
for the court's mercy on Trina.
I appreciate you, sis, thank you.
She is so dumb.
That's obvious.
Now, Trina, as special
as this black lady courtroom is
- And black lady jury, Your Honor.
- You better say it. Say it.
I cannot in good conscience turn
a blind eye to the crimes
you have just confessed to on today.
Oh, no!
Considering this is a civil court
and not a criminal court, sustained!
You're probably going to jail soon.
Worth it!
Black lady courtroom!
Black lady courtroom!
Black lady courtroom!
Forgive me, Your Honor.
Why? Are you the one that hired
the second Aunt Viv?
Forgive me, Your Honor.
Why? Do you clap on the ones
and threes?
Please, go, you are getting grease
on my chair.
I'm sorry about that.
But leave positive Yelp review.
We are a black-owned business.
Okay, I will.
I don't have any internet.
Do you have a wi-fi and a computer?
I have to ask you a question.
- Do you have a bathroom?
- Not for non-customers.
Okay, it's good I went
in the chair then.
Have you ever had your door get
stuck in the middle of the freeway?
No, I have excellent credit.
Okay, that's cool. Can I have some?
- No.
- Okay.
- Please go.
- Y'all need any help around here?
- Can I just ask you one more thing?
- Sure.
Do you think I could ever look
like Halle Berry?
I had thought when I was younger
Cut!
Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.
My client refused to come to court
until she found a snakeskin shirt,
and this is the one she chose.
She's out.
We lost her.
Sorry I am late, Your Honor.
I just found out my client
has been impersonating Issa Rae
and is now wanted for fraud.
Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.
My client decided to enter
a Malcom X look-alike competition,
and clearly, she lost.
Sorry I am late, Your Honor. My client
said she would not come to court
Nope, it's over before it began.
Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.
My client decided to trick-or-treat,
but because she was dressed
as Lauryn Hill,
she just finished three months late.
Sorry I am late, Your Honor.
My client decided to audition
for Princess and the Frog Two
and got the frog.
What in the pink oil?
What in the Murray's? You laughed!
I had already laughed,
but I just