Teachers (2001) s02e01 Episode Script

(Simon) OK, right, OK
You've got a terminal illness
but you get to shag Angelina Jolie.
Or you've won the Lottery
but you have to shag Su Pollard
and that fucking Welsh one.
Bastard.
Pollard and the Welsh one.
(Susan) Welcome back.
Shame you didn't give this to me earlier.
Everyone could have admired it.
At the inset day you were supposed to
come to while you were on a beach?
(Simon) Why did you do that?
(Susan) What?
Mention work.
We're trying to enjoy ourselves.
(Sighs) Don't wanna go
to school tomorrow.
- Ahhh.
- (Brian) I do.
(Simon) I hate the first day back.
I get this kind of knot here.
It's that feeling when you know
everything's gonna be the same.
Same old faces, same students,
same old fucking routine.
It's against the rules
for the first day back
to be anything less than
misery and torture.
- Look on the bright side.
- (Simon) Which is?
No
there isn't one.
(Siren)
Morning.
Don't be so cheerful.
Sorry.
- There is a reason for it.
- Insanity.
- I just got my decree absolute through.
- Excellent.
(Simon) I mean, like, are you OK?
(Chuckles) Fine.
Now, can we get back to taking the piss
out of Brian's suit?
What's wrong with it?
(Simon) Oi, you lot!
If you want to piss about,
do it in the playground.
Are you deaf?
Oh, fuck, I forgot about her.
You're gonna have to talk
to her sometime.
Jenny!
- All right?
- Fine, thanks.
Great.
- Shall I say it for you?
- Say what?
Yeah. Yeah, go on, then.
Whatever twisted spark of attraction
there was between us
has now thankfully gone
since we had sex, OK?
Yeah. Yeah.
- (Howling wind)
- Go on, then.
After you.
Last here, first in.
Me?
(Echoing, distorted voices)
(Screaming)
- Student assessments.
- Mark by Friday.
- Memo for the new term.
- Fill them in by tomorrow.
Ready?
Look, she's had a make-over done
especially for you.
She looks like a little pineapple.
Holy fuck, who's she?
This is Simon, Kurt, Brian. This is Penny.
(Grunts)
(Jenny) I'm Penny's mentor for the year.
Just for your information,
I've shagged Brian and Simon.
I'd recommend Brian.
More fun and less complicated.
What do you mean, "more fun"?
Not that I'm bothered,
just so I know for next time
- I don't mean with you
- See what I mean?
What did you do that was so special?
I just wanted to say,
welcome back, everyone.
Why's Clare with that sixth-former?
There's nothing major to report
other than it looks like Angie
won't be back for at least six months.
For those of you with new tutor groups,
see me later.
I'm sure you're all as excited as I am
about this new school year.
Let's work on our achievements so far
and really push to make this year
better than the last.
- I know you won't let me down.
- No pressure there, then.
I'm sure you three have a good
explanation for being absent yesterday?
(All) Our flight was delayed.
This is our new languages teacher,
John-Paul Keating.
JP's in your old room
and you're in Jenny's room.
What? I mean why?
Change is the enemy of complacency.
What does she mean?
I'm not complacent.
(Brian) You're a lazy twat. Same thing.
Carol can't wait to see what
you brought her back from Tenerife.
S-See you later
For fuck's sake.
I ignore her all summer,
she still thinks I'm going out with her.
What is it about me, d'you think?
Must be that look you've got,
the one that says,
"I'm desperate, permanently available
and no one else will have me."
(Bell)
You never mentioned him last night.
I thought it would be
a nice surprise for you,
as you were whingeing about
everything being the same.
- He looks about 12.
- Not bad-looking, though.
Wait till he hits puberty,
he'll be covered in spots.
In fact, he's quite attractive.
(Sighs) I don't know why Clare
moved me to Jenny's old room.
You moan about things being the same,
something changes
and you moan even more.
- I know, but it was my room.
- Ahh.
Do you want me to go with you
into your new classroom?
Actually, he's more than attractive,
he's lovely.
Well, he is.
Stop staring, it's rude.
- Got everything you need, JP?
- I think so, thanks.
What's up with you?
- "Got everything you need, JP?"
- Just being friendly.
- Yeah, right.
- What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing, it's just the way you said it.
I can't find the register.
Should I see the secretary?
If you don't mind an interrogation.
- I'll get one for you.
- No, it's OK.
- Leave it with me.
- Thanks. Drop it in whenever.
- What?
- Look at you!
- What?
- You've gone all red!
- You fancy him, don't you?
- No.
Why have your pupils gone really big?
I bet you've got palpitations.
- You'll be breaking out in a sweat.
- Stop it!
- You fancy him!
- Of course I don't.
I can't - it's me we're talking about.
I never fancy anyone.
- You fancied Peter once.
- I suppose.
I bet you went red, got palpitations
and ran after him going,
- "Got everything you need?"
- No, I didn't.
- Well, now you mention it
- There you go, then.
Showing all the classic symptoms
of fancying someone.
Am I?
Oh, God, maybe I am.
Fucking hell!
Oh, that's all I need.
OK!
Sit down, shut up,
stop enjoying yourselves
Someone say something?
(All) Morning, sir.
Morning.
Stand up, those of you
who want to go on to year 12.
All say they don't know
What is true
In letters of blue
Yeah yeah, you say you don't know ♪
S-Sit down.
I know it's hard
finding your way around a new place.
When I arrived,
it took me a year to find the canteen.
Maybe you shouldn't
be teaching geography, then?
- That's very good, Kylie.
- Kay-la.
All right, Katherine with a K,
tell me about yourself.
Like what?
Anything. Likes, dislikes
what you hate most about school.
I like school.
- Right
- All there is to know
Well, it's true, it's true
- In letters of blue ♪
- Later would've been fine.
Well, it was on my way anyway.
Let me know if you need anything else -
books, paper, Valium.
- (JP) Thanks.
- It's empty at the end
So you start again
- And all I know is no one is my friend ♪
- OK!
How about a song?
And it's empty at the end ♪
If there's one bit of advice
I want you to remember
- (Giggling)
- Something more interesting than this?
No, we were talking about you.
She said you live with two blokes,
I thought you might be gay
but Kayla says you're not.
You haven't got a girlfriend though,
have you?
- I might have.
- Who is she, then?
Her name is
Rio.
And she's very attractive.
Any questions so far?
(Stravinsky: The Rite Of Spring)
- Is she your girlfriend now?
- No.
- (Laughter)
- (Bell)
That sound you can hear is the bell.
Which means you can go.
- Lost?
- I'm looking for the library.
Er, it's that way.
Thanks.
Could've been worse -
it could've said "Don't shag me".
Getting to be a habit, this -
you helping me out.
Don't worry, I do it for everyone.
If you ever need personal counselling,
come to me.
- And I'm very cheap.
- I'll bear that in mind.
So, who do you go to
if you need advice?
Er, if I'm absolutely desperate, Simon
but I'd have to be really, really desperate,
in fact, completely mental!
Which is how I'm coming across
right now?
- You're not.
- You're being polite cos you're new.
No, you don't strike me
as being particularly mental.
- All right?
- No, not really.
I've got the fucking Midwich Cuckoos
for a tutor group.
So, what's your problem?
- Bit complicated.
- Oh, right.
Not only do I think I fancy him
but I quite like him as well.
- And?
- That's the problem, isn't it?
- Is it?
- Yes!
It would be fine
if he was a complete bastard
but he's not,
which just messes everything up.
Bollocks, why does he have to be nice?
- He could be a spare-time bastard.
- And he's really fit.
Say something to reassure me
this isn't really happening.
You're Susan, you're the sensible one,
you don't lech after people,
you tell us not to lech after people.
- Better?
- Yeah, thanks.
Did he look at me? Just then?
(Stravinsky: The Rite Of Spring))
She's out there.
- Who?
- Carol.
I keep seeing her everywhere.
Shouldn't you be doing that
in a phone box?
Piss off.
All right?
So. So you know.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Good.
Seems all right, doesn't he?
Will you tell her
I don't want to go out with her?
I'm too scared.
No chance.
- Let's go and talk to them.
- It's home time.
Come on, we can invite them to the pub.
We just thought we'd come
and say hello
and see how you got on today.
First days are always the worst,
you never know who to talk to,
who to avoid.
I remember on my first day
I was too nervous to talk to anyone.
Well, obviously, I said hello
(Giggles nervously)
See you tomorrow.
Nice t-to talk to you
Ow!
Does she really teach psychology?
Ah, she's not that bad.
I think she's quite sweet.
What is wrong with me?
I try and have a normal conversation
with him and I end up talking bollocks.
I'm sure he didn't notice
that you made a twat of yourself
and forgot to ask him for a drink.
See? I can't even get that right.
Ask who for a drink?
If you tell them,
I'll make your life a living hell.
Sorry, I can't say.
- (Mouthing)
- (Both) JP?!
You fancy JP?
I fucking hate you, Simon Casey.
(Beeping)
That was her.
Help me, I need advice.
- Never wear orange.
- You're late.
Been busy sacrificing
small children again?
No, Bob wanted to talk to me
about extracurricular activities.
- I told him you'd volunteered to help.
- Cheers.
So, what's the verdict on JP and Penny?
Un-fucking-believable.
I could always take over as her mentor
if you couldn't cope.
I don't think so.
We're encouraging her into teaching,
- not putting her off.
- I wouldn't try to put her off.
I know, you'd do it
without any effort at all.
Susan fancies JP.
Why don't you just tell the entire pub?
No, they wouldn't know who JP is.
- And?
- And nothing.
I just fancy him, that's all. No big deal.
If I think about it rationally
it's probably just a reaction
to finding out about my divorce.
- I won't do anything about it.
- Why not?
Don't encourage her.
Because I've just got used to my life
being nice and uncomplicated,
why go and mess it up
by going out with JP?
God, I can't stand this.
I've just met him
and I'm talking about going out with him.
Well, he is good-looking.
Yeah, he is, isn't he? Shit.
Anyway, he's probably not interested.
Why would he be?
In fact I don't think
he's really noticed me at all.
That's cos you're not a proper girl.
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm a bloke?
No, I mean you're like us.
- (Brian) That's why we like you.
- Stop. You're depressing me.
No, all I'm trying to say is
maybe if you did your hair
a bit different or
wore a bit more make-up,
he might notice you more.
Do you think?
God, what is happening to me?
I'm taking advice from Brian.
Help me.
You could run round the staff room
with a machete,
- he might take notice then.
- Oh, fuck it. What have I got to lose?
You're going to run round
with a machete?
No.
I'm going to dress up like a girl.
(Simon) Lovely.
(Kurt) Hey!
(Brian) Super!
(Wolf whistle)
(Laughter)
Wasting your time there. She's celibate.
- How do you know?
- It's my job to know.
I heard she was married.
How can she be celibate and married?
If she was married to someone like you,
it's possible.
Anyway, I'm only saying what I've heard.
Has Kurt said anything about Carol?
- We don't talk about stuff like that.
- Really?
I'd have thought you'd be full
of good advice about relationships.
- How's your girlfriend? Rio?
- What?
Have you been talking about me?
Yeah, I've been telling everyone
how brilliant you are.
- You don't have to be sarky.
- I know but it's fun.
- Why would I talk to anyone about you?
- I dunno.
Maybe you might have said something
to another teacher or someone else.
No. I can if you want me to, though.
Not really.
(Feeder: Satellite News)
Sending it all right back
Waiting for heart attacks
Watching the days collide ♪
- Look, you've got knees!
- Changing with the weather
- Trying to keep it clear ♪
- What's wrong with my knees?
- As knees go, they're lovely.
- I don't laugh at your knees.
You can't see my knees.
I know. But if I could, I wouldn't.
Oh, you're so sweet.
- You don't like it cos I look different.
- Don't start.
What if Kurt wore flip-flops?
- I bet that would really freak you out.
- No.
Earrings and a dress
and talking Welsh?
All right, you've made your point.
Jenny
Be honest, do you think I look stupid?
Like I'm trying too hard?
No, you look fine.
I've got a message for you - from Carol.
She's busy with Clare.
She told me to tell you to meet her
in the canteen for lunch.
(Sighs) Right.
- Can't I just email her?
- That's cowardly.
And we don't get the pleasure
of seeing you squirm.
Cheers.
Deep down, you're really scared
of being dumped yourself.
Why would she want to dump me?
No, it would take too long.
- Shall we just do it, then?
- OK.
- So, I'm Carol.
- (Kurt tuts)
- (Groans)
- Sorry.
Go on, then.
Don't do that,
she'll think you've got emphysema.
The thing is, Carol.
The thing is
It's over.
Nice. Subtle.
But try starting with something positive.
Hi, Carol. Nice shoes.
- You've done this before, haven't you?
- No.
Er, something like
"Carol, you mean a lot to me."
Carol, you mean a lot to me.
"And I've realised
I can't go on pretending
"that our relationship
is any more than just friendship.
"It's not fair, which is
why I can't see you any more."
Yeah. Sounds all right.
(Kurt) Do you think it'll work?
(Susan) Probably not.
Good luck.
Hang on.
(Susan) I don't think I need to be there.
- Hi! Canteen sandwich? Risky.
- Thought I'd chance it.
I am going the right way
for Clare's office?
Er, it's that way.
- Close.
- (Susan laughs nervously)
It's through the double doors, right, left
Actually, it's easier if I show you.
Susan!
I think she wants to give me
a little pep talk.
- Bad luck.
- Is she that bad?
Not if you have absolutely nothing
to do with her.
Anything else I should know?
Er Yeah, when you're in there,
speak really quietly.
Liz won't be able to listen in
like she always does.
- It'll really piss her off.
- You've, erm
- You've smudged your make-up.
- Have I?
I can never get my head round
why girls wear so much make-up.
Obviously, some of them have to.
But you don't.
- Really?
- Yeah. Shit, I'm late
Er, I know the way from here.
- See you later, eh?
- Yeah.
Bye, JP.
If you need it you should show it
Cos you might play so monastic
that you blow it
Cos everybody wants some hope
Something they can barely know
And though my heart will break
There's more that I could take
I could never let it go
It's in the photograph
It's in the photograph ♪
- Fiver says he'll bottle it.
- No, he'll do it. He's trapped.
Fuck off.
I was here first.
- What's your problem?
- What's your problem?
Break it up, you two!
Leave it!
What the hell was all that about?
- He took my seat.
- No, I didn't.
Wait over there!
I'll deal with you two later. Move it!
(Groans)
Oh, God!
Are you OK?
I can't see you any more.
I mean I think I've gone blind.
- Did I miss all the fun?
- He walked into a fight. I've sorted it.
- (Liz) Well done.
- I just stepped in and
Clare asked me to get you. Wants the
minutes of the meeting this morning.
Sorry to drag her away from you.
- See you later.
- (Groans)
(Simon) You could try,
"Fuck off and die, Carol."
(Brian) Or "Carol,
I've got mad cow's disease."
- (Bell)
- You can stop now, children.
I haven't finished the moustache yet.
Well what do I do next?
Er, you'll think of something.
Simon?
(Simon) If only they were
the same colour.
Stop drawing attention to my knees.
Stop it! Stop it!
They they said it was washable.
She only does it when she's bored.
- Thanks for that.
- It's all right.
- You're supposed to be my friend.
- I am.
Why can't you be a bit helpful
about this whole JP thing?
- I have.
- No, you haven't.
All right, you could try
wearing stockings.
What? Blokes like that sort of thing.
- And they'll hide your knees.
- Will you leave my knees alone?
- Why won't you take me seriously?
- That's not what I'm here for.
- You know what I think it is?
- I still feel abandoned by my mother?
No, though we could come back to that.
It's because whenever you have
the smallest problem,
I'm always there for you.
But now I have a problem, all you see is
your emotional crutch being taken away.
- Bollocks.
- I've clearly touched a nerve.
All right, it might be about that a bit.
Well, more than a bit.
Why can't the world revolve around
someone other than you just this once?
OK, I'm sorry.
You are right.
It's just that I don't think
I'm very good at this sort of thing.
But I'll try.
- Will you?
- Of course.
- What do I do?
- (Sighs)
Do you want me to ask him out for you?
Get Brian to
Get Kurt to ask?
l-l-l could get Liz to ask
- Although she might ask
- You're right.
Really not your strong point.
OK, you lot come in here today.
It's a big change for you.
New environment, new people.
Is it good or bad?
- Well bad.
- Right, so
change might be a bad thing.
No, school is. Change is all right.
But if you don't like the thing
that's changed, how do you deal with it?
You just get on with it. What's this
got to do with what we're doing?
I'm trying to make you
look at things from a
a wider perspective.
I was warned you'd be like this.
- Like what?
- Strange.
- (Laughter)
- Right, you - move here. Come on.
And you, there.
There, you're right.
That was a change
and that was good. Wasn't it?
Fucking tragic.
What?
Penny. Apparently, she's celibate.
Last time a woman told me
she was celibate,
she went off with another woman.
Maybe that's it then, eh?
- What?
- Penny.
Maybe she wears comfortable shoes.
Maybe she likes kd lang.
Hanging around in locker rooms.
Maybe she prefers women.
What, you mean she's a lezzer?
Fucking hell.
No, it can't be true. She smiled at me.
- She smiled at me.
- Shit, maybe it is true.
Do you think Penny might be a dyke?
If she's spoken to you,
she's probably giving it some thought.
- Come on.
- What are you doing?
- Helping you.
- What?
Susan, can I borrow you for a minute?
Hi! How's it going?
- Great.
- Fine.
You all right?
(Sighs) I want to die.
Great, so, er
Do you like your new classroom?
Yeah, it's fine, as classrooms go.
Good, good. I'm glad you've settled in.
You'll be OK, everyone's really nice here.
- Aren't they?
- Are they?
Susan's Susan's really nice.
- Another coffee?
- I'm OK, thanks.
- Penny?
- Thanks, Brian. Two lumps.
(Heartbeat)
- Sorry?
- Of sugar.
I'm not singling Susan out
or anything but she's really
really nice.
If ever you've got a problem
Susan's the one to go to.
- Really?
- Yeah, she's a good listener.
Good
ears.
- (Bell)
- Nice talking to you.
- I'll see you later.
- (Both) Yeah.
- What were you saying to him?
- I was helping you.
- How?
- You know, I say a few nice things,
he realises if someone like me
with obvious good taste
thinks you're great,
then you must be all right.
He takes the hint and asks you out.
He thinks I draw on my knees.
- It's not funny!
- Why don't you ask him out?
- Don't be stupid.
- What could go wrong?
He turns me down, I'm humiliated,
it puts me off ever talking
to a fanciable bloke
and I end up a lonely spinster.
- Yes, be positive.
- What should I do?
Just ask him, for fuck's sake.
- Isn't there an easier way?
- No.
Hi, sir.
Susan, what was Exorcist Girl
doing in there?
- Who?
- Her.
(Dings bell)
What's she been saying about me?
Nothing, she's been
going on about Kurt all day.
What?
- Not Carol, Kayla.
- Kayla?
She's been in to see Clare about me.
About my teaching.
- Why would she do that?
- Because I know she has.
And you know, you must have heard.
That thing you said to me
before about Rio.
Me girlfriend. It came from her, didn't it?
- That.
- I knew it.
The little bitch keeps
taking the piss out of me.
Even the way she smiles at me.
She's been slagging off my teaching,
hasn't she?
- Maybe I should see Clare.
- I wouldn't do that.
Why not?
She wouldn't know
what you were talking about.
Best way to handle Kayla -
don't show she's getting to you.
Hang on, who's the teacher here?
Me or you?
You.
That little bitch is my daughter.
Still, she's lucky to be
in your tutor group.
- And your geography class.
- Is she?
Yeah. I know you'll help her
to get really good grades.
- Go on, then.
- I can't.
JP, Susan wanted to know
If you fancied coming
to the pub for a drink?
Yeah, OK.
I'm not going to ask him out
while you're there.
Will you come with me?
Why does everyone
always ask me to hold their hand? No.
Uh?
Go on, you can do it.
Go on, mate. (Chuckles)
- He'll never do it.
- I know.
Come in, Kurt.
Carol's just gone to the toilet.
Said something about an overdose
- if you didn't come see her.
- You're joking!
Yes, she won't be long.
Er, actually,
it's you I needed to see, Liz.
- Ooh, lucky me. What about?
- Erm well
I don't know where to start really,
it's a bit
awkward.
I knew it. You're thinking
of chucking her, aren't you?
Not exactly chucking. Yes.
Except I can't tell her.
I've tried, I just can't.
She might cry or something.
You're her friend,
you know how to handle her.
Can't you do it?
- I could but I won't.
- Please, Liz. I'm desperate.
I'll make it worth your while,
I'll give you anything. Here.
You think I'd do something like that
for chocolate?
Susan, could I come with you?
I don't know where I'm going.
Yeah, fine.
The only trouble with
going for a drink after work
is there's always
a lot of people around.
You don't get a chance to talk properly.
Get to know someone.
Obviously, there'll be other people
around. The barmaid.
- (Laughs)
- What I'm trying to say is
Will you come out for a drink sometime?
I mean
just with me.
I don't think that's possible, Susan.
Sorry.
Oh, God. I knew it.
Sorry, I should've realised.
- It's obvious.
- Is it?
Well, it is now I've made
a complete arse of myself.
You're married, aren't you?
Sorry, I thought you were too young.
N-Not too young, not 12
Susan
I'm gay.
I thought you knew.
Well, I suspected although I wasn't sure
whether you were completely gay or
- You didn't have a clue.
- No.
I don't go around advertising it.
Not when I'm this new.
Right.
- Can I just clear something else up?
- What?
I don't draw on my knees.
Just in case you were wondering.
I wasn't, but thanks anyway.
(Jenny) You got Liz to do it?
(Kurt) Women are better at that stuff.
(Jenny) Only because men are pathetic.
(Simon) Never mind, she'll take it OK.
I just hope she doesn't do anything
..stupid.
(Simon) Like go back out with you?
I'm gonna put that fat little bitch
in the swimming team.
And make her dive to the bottom
of the pool to fetch a brick.
And hold her under
for a very, very long time.
- Liz's daughter.
- Liz has got a daughter?
Well, a few minutes, anyway.
So, do you reckon they're
too heavy to float in water?
- (Simon) Bricks or Kayla?
- Penny's tits.
It was only a matter of time, I suppose.
(Brian) It's like she's got two heads
inside her top.
- I just wish
- No, don't say it.
- One of them was yours.
- Are you psychic?
Anyway, you poor, deluded fool,
you don't stand a chance.
- She keeps smiling at me.
- She smiled at me.
She looked in my direction.
You're all hopelessly misguided,
as usual.
- She does that to everyone.
- Including you?
(Jenny) Yes, so obviously
she fancies me.
- You reckon?
- Well?
Fiver he said yes.
- All right, you sit here
- No, it's OK.
- I'm getting the drinks in.
- (Simon) You sit down, I'll go.
Really, I'll get them.
And you can come with me.
- What's going on?
- Nothing.
- Well, I've changed my mind.
- Just like that?
It's not such a good idea
to go out with a workmate.
- Look at you and Jenny.
- We didn't go out, we just shagged.
Well, whatever.
It would still be awkward.
- Besides, he's a bit young.
- I said that.
Which means you agree with me.
That can't be right.
- He turned you down, didn't he?
- No.
- I chickened out of asking him.
- (Sighs) Coward.
I know, I'm just crap.
But at least it's all over with now.
Yeah, you don't have to go out with
someone with a poncy name.
What sort of name is JP?
He's obviously got no taste.
And you're too good for him. And
Stop there. You're saying all this
to make me feel better.
So you'll go back to being normal again?
I think so, yeah. I can go back
to taking the piss out of you.
Cheers.
Shame, I was getting used to being
the sensible one,
with you the hysterical
- Shut up now or I'll punch you.
- OK, then.
Ow!
Sorry, I felt like it. Anyway.
So, has Penny said anything
to you about liking girls?
- Sorry?
- Ignore him.
(Phone vibrating)
(Jenny) Pick it up,
press the green button and say hello.
(Beep)
Hello?
Liz? Have you told her?
Is she OK?
(Screaming continues over phone)
She took it well, then.