A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s02e04 Episode Script

Okay, Tiffany, go to sleep.
Wait, is my bonnet on?
Nice and Light.
But not too tight.
I don't want to leave a line.
Go to sleep.
I gotta remember
to buy more Funyuns.
No. Sleep.
I just got that, fun onions.
Sleep!
I could buy Funyuns with money
from my GoFundMe scam.
I should really stop telling people
I have lupus.
I am a garbage person.
I've always been trash.
Remember in third grade when
Casey Winters stuttered one time
and I called her MC Stammer?
Then for the rest of the year,
every time she raised her hand,
even the teacher would say,
"Stop, stammer time!"
I wonder where Casey is now.
I'm a bully.
I used to sit behind Casey in class
and spray her elbows with water,
and then tease her for being ashy.
My soul is ashy!
I deserve every bad thing
that has happened to me,
including not being able
to grow eyebrows
yet somehow always having
a mustache.
Enough!
Father God, I know I haven't paid
tithes in like, well, ever,
but please forgive me.
I can't live like this.
I would give anything to go back
and apologize
to Casey Winters from third grade.
You can. Go ahead. Apologize.
What the fuck?!
It's me, Casey Winters,
AKA MC Stammer.
You said you wanted to apologize
to me. Well, here I am.
- I thought you were my conscience.
- You don't have one of those.
I've moved with you
to every apartment you've ever lived in.
I spent my entire life under your bed,
just tormenting you!
But I go to work during the day.
You didn't have to stay under
the bed during the day.
This isn't about me!
This is about you. You're a bully!
You ruined my life!
I mean,
I feel like you ruined your life
by staying under my bed
since the third grade.
You could've made something
of yourself by now.
Taye Diggs follows me on Twitter.
You're a loser.
Yeah? If I'm a loser, then why is there
an "Unsolved Mysteries" about me?
Because your parents think
you're missing!
There was a whole true crime podcast
about you too.
I know! Obviously KJ did not do it.
Girl, he's been in jail
for thirteen years!
That's on you!
I feel like it isn't.
Look, I am sorry if you feel
like I bullied you
Great! An apology!
That's all I wanted.
Bye. Get some concealer
for those bags under your eyes,
you sleepy ass motherfucker!
I'm out. The clerk at a grocery store
once said she didn't like my hair.
Talking about my box braids,
I'm about to up under her box spring.
A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW
I agree with Robin.
This heifer is suspish!
Can we not call people cows?
Okay, fine. I won't call her a cow.
But I need to speak with you birds.
It is selfish of her to not do my hair.
It is the end of the world,
and we all have to pitch in somehow.
How are you pitching in?
By getting this woman to use her
God-given gift to lay my edges.
When did she only have on gift?
She's dealing with your slander
and being a whole ass barista.
Fuck the coffee!
I have a confession.
I put conditioner in my hair
this morning, guys.
But then Ashley said it'll make
my hair radioactive.
My hair probably has only
fifteen minutes to live.
And this bitch, she talk about
"I'm off the game".
What is going on with you two?
Y'all are over here playing Petty Cake,
suspishing Skye for no reason!
And now you have me saying it.
Gabrielle, come on!
Skye has been down for us forever.
Who untangled your weave
when we got kicked out
of Dick Clark's Rockin' New
Year's Eve with Ryan Seacrest?
And who gave you 45 inches
when other stylists said
your neck only had the fortitude
for 42?
Skye believed in you. Now you're
trying to give her the big chop?
And as far as radioactive hair goes,
I would never present a problem
without a solution.
I'll just shampoo it out.
Points were made. Shots unfired.
What? Now I'm only one who's crazy
because I think this place is weird
and she has a secret?
You're right.
I do have a secret.
Welcome to the Coral Reefs
annual corporate retreat
here at the Serenity Wellness
Resort & Spa.
- Blippity, blippity.
- Scat, scat, scat.
As you know, it's been a tough year
in a banging industry.
Recruitment is down 27%
from our Prison-to-Reef pipeline.
Our Mergers & Acquisitions team,
they failed to gain real estate
from the Second Street Stabbers.
And people thought that our drive by
mammogram mobile was a food truck.
So, what you saying is
our breast exams was a "bust"?
Stupid.
You think early detection is a joke,
Flop Wilson?
Nah.
Not everybody has premium
healthcare, like we do.
Your privilege is showing, buster!
Now, as I was saying,
our morale is at an all-time low,
especially after we lost Shelly.
To Swing Left. Congratulations to her
for making a difference
in our democracy. Blippity.
Scat, scat, scat.
Now what we gon' do here today
is we're gonna master
some vital self-care techniques.
In so doing, we're gonna find ways
to achieve and maintain
a healthy murk/life balance. Blippity?
- Scat.
- I'm with it.
I'm about to get centered
like a motherfucker.
I want you to get
into your Padmasana pose
with your palms facing up,
and then let's kill some mantras.
No disrespect to Tamra whose cousin,
Mantra, was killed last week.
- Sorry for your lost.
- Appreciate you.
Jess, you up.
Okay, bet. "I am Becoming
by Michelle Obama".
That's just the title of a book, nigga!
Okay, I'm sorry. Namaste, Namaste.
Now you not gon' say no more jokes,
Ali Wrong
'cause you about to get shot.
No, no! Come on!
Shot of wheatgrass!
But them's is bitter though!
No. What's bitter
is your low iron causing
our high customer attrition.
So get to sipping.
Blippity.
Shanedra.
Proud of you, homie.
Yeah, you're taking
your performance review to heart.
But I asked for your mantra.
So since you just want to be a mark
and sit there with your smirk,
why don't you take these markers
and work on
this adult coloring book?
INTJ ass.
But these designs
are so intricate though!
You want to know what's intricate?
Your neural pathways
blippitying around
to the point where
you can't reach Nirvana!
You think that I am going hard on all
of these wellness shit for my health?
I want all of us to make
the Thirty Bangers Under Thirty list,
not just Shanedra.
Five years running, homie.
Now that I made myself blippity clear,
Tamra, your mantra, go.
Well
Nigga, is that your phone, nigga?
The sign clearly says, "no devices"!
But it's the Southwest regional
trap call! I didn't dial in.
I'm about to dial in your ass!
Hello, ass? She needs some
motherfucking me time!
You know what?
Since you can't get
your self-care together,
you're about to catch these hands.
During a sixty-minute massage.
Aw, man. Tight!
Take in that self-care, homie!
Get in the shoulders, massage lady.
Did someone order towels?
Homie! This here is a private class.
So why don't you take these
high thread count linens
and see your way up outta here?
I got a better idea! Why don't you
leave your high falutin attitude
and see this gun up in your face?
Who is scat?
That's Antonia.
She 'posed to be dead!
She alive like a mu'fucka.
So sorry, Antonia. We thought
You thought?! Last time I checked,
I thought I was the founder
of the Coral Reefs.
And I'm the only one who decides
if I'm alive or not.
So, you not dead?
To the IRS, I am.
Dang, Ja Rule,
you ain't pay your taxes?
Why should I pay the government
42% of my income
so they could allocate that revenue
to agencies that will terrorize me
and my community? Nah.
I don't mean to step on your
Chucks or nothing, Antonia,
but why you here then?
I risked my freedom
to deliver a message.
- To me?
- Yes, to you.
Congratulations, Elisa,
you won the Coral Reefs
divisional excellence award!
- Blippity, blippity!
- Scat, scat, scat!
Blip-blippity!
First, I want to thank
all the mark-ass busters.
Save it for the national banquet.
But break me off
some of that petty cash
so I can get back
to my private island.
Safe travels.
Y'all knew y'all had me thinking
I was about to get 'murked.
Thought I was about to be laid down!
Don't hurt him, Resa!
Or do! Your choice!
You're the birthday girl!
A birthday girl who can still fit
in this body-con dress!
I looked in the mirror, and I was like,
yes, my body con still do that shit!
We done.
My booty look juicy, don't it?
Hell yeah! Like good gossip.
Thirty-five, where?
Hey, ladies. Shot time!
Cheers to aging like Bianca Lawson
and to Resa's birthday of course!
Is it twelve yet?
Almost. The clock strikes twelve
in five, four,
three, two, one.
Did I lose a tooth?
The time has come for you to step
into the role of auntie!
On a who and a what?
Why, you're 35,
which means it's officially time!
Today is your Auntie-pendence Day!
And I am your Fairy Aunt-Mother!
I'm good, so thanks.
From this day forth,
you're basically
I said no!
I am still lit, okay?
Would an auntie be able to Milly Rock?
She would. And it would look just
like that. So sad.
But I still look and feel so young.
I'm wearing a fucking body-con!
But originally, you wanted to wear
a turtleneck, did you not?
Well, duh, bitch. I didn't want
to catch a cold.
See? Once the clock strikes twelve,
quality bras,
Tupperware in your Coach purse,
and a state room
on the Tom Joyner cruise
'twill all be your new reality.
And by this time tomorrow night,
you'll be at home,
reading in your housecoat.
- You evil.
- And you're aging!
No, wait! Just one more year, okay?
I still got some perks and some
twerks left in me! Come on now!
Please!
Please, I don't want to be an auntie!
It's too late. You already are.
No!
Oh, no! That's not me!
It can't be me.
I would never wear no kitten heel.
Look at them feet!
No! Not me. Try again, girl.
That ain't me.
There she goes
with these nursery rhymes and shit
My job is done, and you must accept
the truth of age.
Tastes like Botox and Boniva.
The fuck?! Y'all ate her?
Now I had pot stickers for the table!
Resa, chill.
This is how we stay young,
by throwing down on fairy dust.
- We're really 85!
- But don't trip. We got you.
'Cause tomorrow night,
there's a Anthony Hamilton concert
next to a Pappadeaux.
It's gon' be full of chicks turning 35.
It's gon' be hella fairies to grub on.
Fine. Let me grab my pocketbook.
But it better be over by 10 PM.
Are y'all cold?
It's cold in here.
I'm hot. I think I'm having a flash.
Are y'all hot?
I do have a secret.
Okay, so last week, when I was here
dropping off that box,
I found a communications system.
I knew your ass was lying,
trying not to communicate
about a communications system.
I didn't tell you guys because
I was afraid that once you got here,
you would get on the system,
find out if there were other people
out there, and then
And then what? You picked
a very bad time to pause.
Leave me.
I thought you would leave me.
Sorry!
I'm not trying to be weird.
I panic when I'm alone.
I'm good in the world where there's
people and podcasts and shit.
But now that that's all gone, I know
the only way that I could survive
was with some tough, smart, dope
women who had each other's backs.
I couldn't find them, so I decided
to kick it with y'all.
That's the sweetest thing
I've ever heard!
I can't believe you thought
we would leave you.
Never.
Never, never.
And to prove it to you,
I'd like to know your last name.
What is it?
- Jiminion.
- All right.
My dad's name was James.
My mom's name was Minion.
Honey
That's not how last names work.
But it's so cute.
- Nice going, Robin.
- What'd I do?
You made us doubt our friend who had
a perfectly heartfelt explanation
for everything.
Yeah, Robin! I don't know why
you're so worried about your hair.
Really? And don't act like she was
a fucking Care Bear the whole time.
- You didn't know.
- You know what?
You've created a lot of unnecessary
tension with your suspicions.
And Skye has been nothing
but nice to us this whole time.
I think you should apologize.
Apologize? For what?
She's the one that should apologize
for keeping secrets.
Robin, apologize! I don't care to who.
I've just never seen you do it.
She doesn't have to do that.
It's okay.
Don't act like you know what's best
for you right now. Robin
- I'm sorry if you felt that
- No.
- Okay, l'm sorry if you thought
- No.
I, Robin, am sorry for
2004. You do it
if you know all the words.
This could take all day.
Hold on. Rewind. Did you say
there's a communications system?
Okay. Let's go get this brunch.
I know my girls about to have
some avocado toast
'cause we healthy
and have disposable income and shit.
Love y'all! Let's go get some waffles.
Actually, we're not going
to brunch, Ally.
We need to talk to you.
Come on, y'all, do we have to do this?
Ally's our girl.
Yup. Now, sit your ass down, Ally.
This is an intervention.
Everyone, open the "Ally's not
in the this one" group text.
Shit, son. You told me this 'bout to be
the hottest intervention of all time?
Okay, and I see y'all, thriving
on a group chat without me.
Drag me, queens.
Ally, this isn't a joke.
This is serious.
The power this has. For y'all
to tell me about lie and shit?
I mean, y'all real ones for this.
I'm so proud of you.
That's actually what we wanted
to talk to you about.
You're like an 8 PM milkshake,
you gas us up too much.
'Cause y'all the shit. Effervescent!
Yeah, like Alka Seltzer!
You have to stop doing that!
I am running out of shirts!
Ally, our group chat is full of receipts
when your "do too much" and "go too
hard" have negatively affected us.
I'll start.
Carla's texts are green
'cause she's on Android.
It understands my voice recognition.
- I'm almost there.
- That's mom.
We had a lot of things to say.
Here we are. You gas me up
even when I'm wrong. Remember this?
I put green olives in my mac
and cheese.
And you told me to post it on Instagram.
Then my account got reported
for being harmful and offensive!
- Sorry!
- More like delicious and inventive!
I don't care if you did get chopped,
you still the top chef! Yes!
No!
And then that one time that I fell
asleep at work under my desk,
and my boss called me out.
And I was going to apologize, I was.
But you know what you told me?
If he's sleeping on your skills,
you get to sleep on the job!
First of all, great impression.
And also, yes,
you're the only boss I see.
Don't let imposter syndrome
keep you from getting your Zs
while getting your W2s.
I got fired!
I see you unemployed!
Out here with free time during
the day to pursue your hobbies!
And let's be real, Kerry.
You deserved to be fired, okay?
They caught you in a whole
ass bonnet and a slanket.
- Watch it.
- Ally.
Ally, you're a very good friend.
You have a very big heart.
But sometimes
Sometimes, your supportiveness
is just inappropriate.
Like the time that I had to give
a very difficult speech
And you ate that shit up!
I loved that shit!
It was my grandmother's funeral.
At my grandmother's funeral,
you stood on a pew
and you screamed about
how "hordt" my eulogy was.
Yeah, 'cause that shit banged though.
You had a metaphor,
a thesis statement, and an analogy!
You kilt that, okay? I died.
But your hypeness is not honest!
Like when Sasha went through
her "I think I can sing" phase,
and you submitted her to "The Voice",
talking about "you definitely have
what it takes to win".
And was my bitch on "The Voice"
or was my bitch on "The Voice" though?
Yeah, Ally, I did, but the judges,
they didn't turn around.
I heard an actual cricket,
a real cricket!
How you gon' hear a little cricket
in that big place?
It was like, "You suck!"
And you took that rejection like
a champ! You was brave as fuck.
Yeah, but now I'm a meme!
They call me Cricket Girl.
Best meme in the game!
Meme queen! Chirp, chirp.
- Ally, this has to stop!
- You're hurting us.
I'm with them.
You just love us too hard.
- Too hard and too hordt?
- Yes, both them.
Nobody need that much love, Ally.
Dang, you guys, I just
I just want to be a good friend,
and then
I hear you guys saying these things,
it just makes me feel like
Y'all are the baddest bitches
in the game for this!
I feel so intervened right now!
Y'all did that.
I would buy tickets to this.
I feel like I went to a concert,
but the album being played is me.
I have never been so told
about myself in my life!
Ally! Enough!
Ally, help!
Come through, bone! You snapped!
No, no! We need to get her
to the hospital!
I see you blood,
pumping out my girl's body.
Come on, homeostasis!
Look at the support! Y'all strong.
Come on, muscles.
I love this house.
This is so well decorated.
Girl, when did you paint
your door yellow?
Okay, come on, breeze.
This is a beautiful day.
Come on, trees,
making oxygen and shit.
I see you.
Come on, global warming.
It's nice out here.
Good job, sun.
I'll do it.
That's showing a ten-mile radius
of all the cell phone signals
around the warehouse.
Are those other survivors?
- Where are they?
- Maybe I can find Kevin!
Shit, those are just our phones.
That's okay, I got this.
Sure, everyone's dead.
But on the bright side,
no fuckboys are alive.
Kevin
Thank y'all so much!
You're all just so beautiful!
- We love you, Nona!
- I love you too, queen.
I love you all.
Now this next record
is very special to me.
How many of y'all breathe air?
This one's for you, queen.
All I breathe is air
Anytime I open my eyes, I see
Breathe with me, see with me.
Sing it!
Breathe with me, see with me!
Every time I step, I walk
Every time I speak, I talk
Every time I listen, I hear
And every time I breathe, it's air
Y'all feel me? Say "Ooh, air"!
- Ooh, air!
- Say "Oooooh, air right there"!
Oooooh, air right there!
Ooh, ooh, air, A-E-I-O-U
And sometimes Y-Y-Y-Y-Y.
And I before E except after C
Your turn!
Do the air with me
Scare with me
Twist your hair with me
Nair with me
Do it!
Do the air with me
Scare with me
Twist your hair with me
Nair with me
Y'all look good! Now do this!
Solve with me, evolve with me.
You got it!
I like your energy, queen!
If y'all got real love for me,
put your hands in the air.
Put 'em up high! Yeah!
Nona, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm good.
All I need is air.
Every time I open my eyes, I see.
- Yes, sing!
- Who am I?
Nona Love!
- But like, where am I from?
- Chi-Town!
But like, what street, specifically?
1422 Ashland.
Nah, seriously, y'all, I think
that fall really did me in.
I don't remember anything.
Are there any doctors in the house?
Nah, like real medical assistance.
Help me out. I need some air.
All I breathe is air
Every time I open my eyes, I see
Breathe with me, see with me
Every time I step, I fall,
Every time I see, I saw.
That's why I broke up with Cameron.
You ain't gon' be wearing my fur coat.
Picky y'all nigga.
You can. Go ahead. Apologize.
Sorry,
Maybe not so far up.
Cricket, a real cricket.
Okay, but you took that rejection
like a tramp.
My real feelings came out!
Don't hurt him, Resa! Or do.
My mic My hot pack just fall out.
- Sorry!
- Where was that?