A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s02e03 Episode Script

Sister, May I Call You Oshun?

Welcome to "Black Table Talk", the only place on Tariq Nasheed's internet where we can have an honest conversation.
Today's topic: "Women in the workplace: Why?" I'm your host, Dr.
Haddassah Olayinka Ali-Youngman, Pre-Ph.
And I'm going to take you on the overground railroad.
How long is this intro? I do not mean to rush you, Queen Haddassah, but Kaavia has me on a curfew.
See, see, no, no, no, Gabrielle Union.
Black women babies are not allowed to issue curfews.
Only our original kings can do that.
You know, Supreme Rahmeek told me to be home by three.
Is he here? Can he sign a headwrap for me? Unfortunately, no.
He does not fraternize with married women, except for me and all eight of his wives.
That's very Doug Christie of you guys.
Anyway, welcome to the show.
It says here, now, that you're an actress, an author, a television host, a fashion designer, and a spokeswoman.
Why so many jobs, and how does your husband deal with this betrayal? Betrayal? I think my husband appreciates a woman - I'm sorry, female.
- Thank you.
That makes her own money, is incredibly flexible, and still is able to raise a family.
I'm glad you said that.
Now, as everybody knows, there are many factors working towards the destruction of the black family.
Number one, wet sneakers, number two, working women, and if you ask Aren't you at work right now? I don't get paid for this.
I have made no money doing anything.
Now, Ms.
Gabrielle, let's talk about your professional goals.
- Sure.
- With your king, Dwayne Wade.
Shit! Okay.
How do you feel about your wife out here working like a free-range chicken? I'm sure my cardboard king would love for me to be home a little bit more.
Earth, let your God speak.
You know, my husband, nay, God, he just retired from the universe of the NBA.
Why would he do that? Such a lucrative job.
He's a little old How dare you speak about him in that way! I'm so sorry, cardboard Dwayne Wade.
Please continue.
I have worked my whole career.
That's the problem.
I'm actually fine being one of the breadwinners in my family.
Oh no! White people got you thinking bread is a prize.
Sister, may I call you Oshun? As long as I can have my hand back.
Oshun, this is not your fault.
Like Lauryn Hill, you've been miseducated and you're late to the true knowledge.
But we can get you back.
All you have to do is enroll in my learning center.
Is that like a school? 'Cause you need to leave every child behind.
I'm sorry.
Did you just send me a Venmo request for 58 000 dollars? And that's just the first installment.
For another 700 000, you can become a Founding Pharaoh in the Dr.
Haddassah Institute for Elevation, Conspiritization, Melanization, and Vitamins.
So you want me to be a Founding Pharaoh of your pyramid scheme? No, thanks.
But see, see, see, no, no.
With your tuition, you will also receive the singular scared text that will help build your mind to the ultimate level.
"The Earth is Flat: And Other Reasons You Shouldn't Vote".
- But people should vote.
- Why? Cast a ballot? Think about it, ballot is just two letters away from bullet.
They want us to kill our community.
Ma'am, this is a takeout menu.
But if you wanna talk empowering black literature - Literature.
- Literature, let's do it! My New York Times best-selling book, "A Woman Who Actually Farts".
The freedom of flatulence, chapter one.
Get it outta here! You have disgusted me.
You never told me you were literate, this is a total abomination.
Until next time, this has been "Black Table Talk".
You didn't think I could read? I had hoped not.
Explain yourself, how much can you read? The whole alphabet? That's why you only have one husband.
- I've had a couple.
- Let's talk about that.
I shouldn't have read in that first marriage.
- Thank you.
- It was a book club, Queen Haddassah.
How many books did you get through? Dozens.
A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW This must be the laptop Whitley took to Hillman.
What kinda '90s dial-up bullshit is this? - Turn it on, see what's on it.
- I got it.
Shit, it's dead.
Maybe it's not dead, maybe it's racist.
You guys hungry? I'm happy to make something.
You know I requested an application from Le Cordon Bleu? I refuse to be distracted by that ridiculous piece of information.
Why are you changing the subject? 'Cause I can't fix a dead laptop, but I can fix a protein and two sides.
- Suspish.
- What? She's suspicious, I'm suspicious of her, she's suspish.
Okay, but why are you saying it like a detective in a French novel? Robin, Skye is our friend, nobody suspishes her.
So we all saying it now, everybody's just saying suspish? She's the one that brought us to this creepy-ass warehouse that she "found" before an "apocalypse".
Put your air quotes away, there was an apocalypse, we all lived through it.
Okay, touché, fine, but we're all just supposed to believe that someone sent this busted-ass laptop to this abandoned warehouse with all this cool-ass stuff in it? We do believe that.
That's another thing.
We barely know you.
Y'all know each other, y'all played Dick, Dick, Goose with Rodney.
Robin, where is this coming from? You guys know me and I know you.
Okay, if you know us, prove it.
What's Laci's last name? Well, to be fair, I have changed it several times.
I wanna hear this too.
Okay, let's see, we met at my hair salon, Gabrielle referred you.
She was my personal trainer, but her hair was a mess and I was just starting my workouts.
So that means your last name is - Wilson.
- You know me.
Whatever, that was an easy one, a child could've guessed it.
No offense, Skye.
You know what, all offense, I don't trust you.
Look, all I know is Skye never snatched out my edges, and frankly, that's all a bitch needs to know, okay? If that's all you need to know and she's gonna be all up on your scalp, maybe you should know her last name.
Quick, what is it? I know it, I have it in my phone.
It's "hair stylist".
I have you in my phone as "friend".
Excuse me.
Excuse me, everybody.
Thank you for coming out to another Aisha Production.
If you know anything about me, you know I like to make moments for the 'Gram.
So the way we're gonna reveal the gender of Ta'Kia's baby is We're gonna have a pink and a blue monster fight, and then whichever one wins, that's what I'm having.
Bring it out! Okay, I see you, go monster.
Get excited everybody! Who's gonna win? What in the sweet fuck is this? Who said that? Daddy! Chris, say hi to daddy.
'Sup? As the father of these two amazing people, I just wanna say that this is the dumbest idea I've ever seen.
But it's none of my business.
Okay, great.
So are we ready to reveal the gender? - Nah, I'm good.
- What? - That's an "A and B conversation".
- It's a "we conversation".
My name's Bennett, and I ain't in it.
You don't wanna reveal the gender of your grandbaby? That's between you and you.
- So why are you here? - I'm not.
Come here, son.
Okay, all right, well, everybody, over here.
What in the slobbering bullshit is this? You still all broke up over this girl? - No.
- You been divorced a year.
It didn't work out, move on.
Look, son.
Lemme tell you something.
Just because you're with a girl since you were in grade school and she's amazing, and she never did anything except support your struggling little rap career, that's no reason to stay with her.
There's a lotta fish in the sea, a lotta apples in the pie.
Now, you good? - Na.
- Answer me, boy.
I've reached my time limit of talking.
- Norwegian.
- Don't do it again.
Alright, Nova Scotia.
Mebi root.
- Don't say it again.
- North Pole.
- Give me an answer.
- Night-night.
Boy, stop playing.
- Naruto.
- What'd you say? Nordon.
Never too much.
Don't play with me.
- Dang, I'm good.
- Is he okay? Don't look over here.
Excuse me.
Can y'all stop fighting? It's confusing the monster fight, and we can't have two fights going on at once.
- My bad.
- Stop looking at me like that.
- Dang, Aisha, you got thick.
- I got thick? - Where? - Turn around.
- You see where.
- Chris We can't be doing this in front of your dad, but Anybody wondering what kinda baby I'm gonna have? - My bad, sis.
- Keep it classy, all right.
Okay, nothing happened, no.
Let me ask Ta'Kia a question.
Nigga knocked you up, he got a beard like me? He has two beards.
He got two beards like me, like your brother? - He's on power.
- Okay, so that's like a lot of beards.
Can I have one day that's about me? Nah, I'm proud of you.
Let me ask you this.
- Is that a real baby? - Yes.
Okay, I didn't know.
Where would I get a fake baby? Stop playing, let's get back to it.
Everybody, thank you, continue.
I see what your sister's having, but don't be too obvious about it.
Girl, I'm having a girl! Blue monster's calling 911.
Grab his phone! Hey, we didn't see shit! How are we the only ones not being served? - What are we, a bunch of lepers? - Maybe it's a blessing.
I heard somebody found a locust in their salad.
That's disgusting.
This whole situation is mad disrespectful.
I can't believe they put us at a kiddy table.
There's plenty of room over there, they're all sitting on one side.
Word around the manger is, they resurrected this table from the trash.
I've never even seen a wooden folding table before.
I don't think they would want me over there anyway.
They won't say it, but I don't think the Apostles wanna hang with a ho.
We should be at the big table.
Ex-ho, yeah, no, I'm an ex-ho.
I haven't seen sexism like this since Leviticus C.
's stand-up show.
This isn't even a real tablecloth, it's just a long sheet of papyrus.
And if Paul calls me a disciplette one more time You know I'd rather cut a baby in half than gossip, but I heard Paul's real name Saul.
S'Paul must be in the Witness Redemption Program.
You mean he's the Saul that got Christians stoned? You didn't read it outta my parchment, but yes.
I wish they would let go of my sins as easily.
Just 'cause I smashed a few mens for loaves and fishes doesn't mean I'll do it again.
Why did you do that? Jesus just gives away the loaves and fishes for free.
You know you slept with somebody for some loaves and fishes before.
No, they're free.
That's the one thing you have free in this life.
- Okay, I get it.
- We've literally never done that.
Didn't you have tea about "Peter I'm-done-talking-about-it"? You know about Peter, right? So before the rooster crows, he's gonna deny Jesus three times.
Don't that just burn your bush? Okay, fine, lying with Malachi begat lying with Ishmael, which begat lying with Agabus.
You're not supposed to find joy in it.
What burns my bush is that we still haven't been served.
I'd go find our waitress, but my dogs are barking.
Jesus walks a lot.
And why do we have to wear the high-heeled sandals? Everyone can't resurrect a new ankle.
I parted my legs like the Red Sea, so what? I turned over a new fig leaf.
Here we go.
- Hi, ladies.
- Hey, Mary Magdalene.
I haven't seen you all night.
I've been over there, kiki-ing at the big table.
The disciples are so funny.
You had to be there.
We're two feet away.
I know, but you're so much lower.
Last I checked, you were over there just pouring wine at the table.
You weren't sitting at it.
At least I'm there.
Here you go.
I guess I'm all out.
I could ask JC to make more, but it's a dinner, not a magic show.
Could've fooled me, you look like you tricking over there.
- I heard they're not even tipping you.
- I have a tip for you.
Stop writing your little chapters for The New Testament.
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John got that on lock.
But he told me I could write those.
You were there when Jesus said Those idiots? They're just gonna copy off each other and write the same story four times.
I know.
And B-T-dubs, you're not going to be in the company painting, so stay looking hungry.
You do that well.
All right, bye.
That's it.
I'm out.
I'm ready to draw my verse, but they not trying to cash these parables 'cause I'm a woman? Talking about I'mma do a sermon on top of a mount, why don't you walk your high heels on up the whole mountain? This is the last supper I'm doing with them.
So if it's a nuclear event, don't use conditioner, it binds radioactive material to your hair.
It's basic chemistry.
You went to school for too long.
I know that, but now it's too late to do anything about it, and now I know all this stuff.
This has been fun, but I think I'm gonna pack up some of these rations and see what's outside.
Who's coming with me? Nope, not me.
I heard that raccoons can survive an apocalypse, and I am not trying to get caught outside by radioactive raccoons.
Okay, well, it's still early.
I was actually gonna make everyone cappuccinos, but it's just an espresso machine.
- Nespresso.
- No, we need to Nespress-go! - Robin.
- What? What is going on? This is just weird, okay? First of all, you guys woke me up from the dream about my fortified house, which was very rude, and then Skye knew the exact number of MREs there are, and now that laptop got me feeling some kinda way.
She got all them zippers on her pants, and no pockets.
- That's not weird to you? - No.
You feel me on this, you understand.
You know why you understand? Because you are my friend.
And you know what Skye is? She's just a woman I shared a dick with, not at the same time, don't make it weird.
And the point is, she knows more than she's telling us.
- Okay, I see what this is.
- Thank you.
You're jealous that you didn't find this place first, and that's a perfectly normal way to feel.
But also, at the same time, can you be quiet? I'm trying to get a coffee.
So, how about we spike these coffees with something smooth and brown? - I'm in.
- Bet! - Works for me.
- Not in.
I don't like coffee and I don't like what's going on.
Speaking of smooth and brown, I'm gonna make my favorite drink, it's called The Kevin.
It's simple, but it goes down easy.
- Shit! - What the hell? - Now this is suspish.
- What? What is this? Aisha Lewman, Denise DeCarter, who are these people on these passports? Wait a minute, passports, wigs, meals, gym equipment.
I mean, maybe they use this place for witness protection.
No, no.
I don't fuck with that.
My uncle went in to witness protection, never saw him again.
Bitch, that's the whole point.
Nope, how's a old-ass laptop gonna protect a witness? Because it doesn't have a camera.
People in witness protection can't be on Facetime.
Maybe it's because it doesn't have a camera.
You can't have people in witness protection on Facetime.
So y'all didn't just witness me say that first? Okay, fine, I'll stay.
But only until we figure out this mystery.
Then I'm leaving first thing in the morning.
Not trying to fight night coons anyway.
I heard how it sounded when I said it, and I regret it.
Oh my God! Hello? LeeLee, it's Isaac from the gym.
What you gonna do tonight? Nothing, just doing algebra.
No, you're not.
So can I come through? - If you busy, that's fine.
- No! Nah, gimme 30 minutes.
- I'll be there in five.
- Even better! Damn you, Isaac, and your D'Angelo "How Does It Feel" dick arrow.
Come on, Hairy J.
Damn, I did the bottom when I should've did the top! I am not my hair.
I see you got the day-to-night leggings.
A little head wrap situation.
Stop, you play too much.
I play like Colin Kaepernick-sike, they won't let him play.
You hella nimble, too? That trap yoga paying off.
What other positions you know, hmm? Man down! - I can barely see you.
- Oh, no! But I can feel you.
I'm about to ride you like a bench, and I ain't got no game.
I get cold so fast, my anemia and shit.
Okay, you got that - I got skinny blood.
- I can warm you up.
Oh my God.
You are so beautiful.
Like Holly Berry.
I think you mean Halle.
Yeah, that's what I said.
I wish you could see what I see.
Look at that.
God damn! Tell me that ain't a dime right there.
10 cents sounds about right.
Hold up, don't swipe.
No, it's fine.
What the hell, Isaac? Please tell me you are on the street team for Kanekalon.
Okay, I love black women's hair when it's in a state of transition, all right? I had to wait for your new growth to come in.
You have a kink kink? Couldn't you just be a serial killer or something? Black women are always talking about how society doesn't see the beauty in their natural hair, right? I am here telling you how dope you are, LeeLee, just like this.
This wonderful, wonderful new growth.
Come here.
Let's start over.
Can you let me start over? I'm gonna take you out, I'll wine and dine you, a nice dinner, you can pick whatever you want.
Talking about gyros, anything.
Doordash, we got gyros or anything.
A little dry patch.
Skye, darling, can you fix my wig? Sweetie, I don't do hair anymore.
Are you serious? Take your wig off and say that.
Yeah, for real, how am I gonna do hair? My tools and bundles got raptured.
Your who did what now? I agree with Robin, this heifer is suspish.
Carryout for Portia Coché, please.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, why did you only give me one set of plasticware? My apologies.
I'd like to make your day better by offering you another complementary free set, on the house.
No, that is not the point.
Why didn't you just ask how many sets of plasticware instead of just giving me one? Thank you for your gift of feedback, when you ordered one entrée, I shouldn't have assumed I'm sorry, you just assumed I was single.
No, no.
I would never assume that.
You look super taken, like overly taken actually.
Now you calling me a ho? Dilan, July is slipping away I'm sincerely sorry, ma'am.
Ma'am? Do I look like someone's mother to you? If you're not somebody's mother, you should be.
Now you calling me out 'cause I don't have any kids, huh? So now I'm starring in a Tyler Perry movie about a professional black woman with a great career, but doesn't have a man and a family of her own? Well, let me tell you what.
I can write that script bad all by myself.
I hear you and I see you and I fear you.
And I'd do anything to make this right.
Please allow me to offer you 10 percent off of your meal.
Now I need a handout? You think just because I haven't paid off my student loans and probably never will that I'm poor? Let me tell you something, it's called good debt.
Stupid, Dilan, stupid.
I'm truly sorry if my poor customer service caused you any frustration.
You have every right to be happy.
Look at you, you're all fabulous and 40.
40? Frustrated? I have never been either of those things.
My life is perfect, and let me tell you what.
This is just a snack on my way to my beautiful home where my man, Dilantre, also lives.
Of course, miss.
And he's just tired from a long day of working at NASA.
- Very, very hard job.
- And you know what else? I'm just over here being selfish, only ordering food for myself.
He hates that about me.
You know what? Gimme a number two, a number seven, a number nine, a number 18.
Write it down.
Two, seven, nine.
And a number 18.
And you know what? Add a number 11, that's Dilantre's favorite.
And also, I'm very rich.
Okay, got it.
And your order will be right up.
And I'm so sorry again.
Calling me single.
Singularly focused on being dope.
Broke? I own several guest towels and a KitchenAid stand mixer! I got another lady to buy up the entire kitchen.
We'll be back in the black in no time! Dilantre, really? Baby, did you get number 11? You know it's my favorite.
You know, people should vote.
Why? So white people can make mayonnaise the national food? No, thank you.
When were you gonna tell me? - That I could read? - Yes.
I just assumed Who taught you? How many letters, how many words? Read this first line.
- "The Earth is flat" - And you're quick with it too! You play too much.
I play like every light-skinned actor in a Tyler Perry stage production.
Naomi Campbell.
The Notebook.
Stop it right here, you hear me? Stop.
1985, that was a good year.
Talking about they was gonna write the 11th Commandment.
Where? Period.
Never too Never too much.
And they have food, you have nothing.
You're supposed to bring it.
Did you leave your sacrificial lamb with the bouncer at the front? - You know we couldn't afford one.
- Did you get a ticket for your food? Why did you invite us to this? I invited you? Maybe that was my assistant.
I fell down a mound of olives in those.
I can't walk on water or land with those.
You remember the snake in the Garden of Eden? He made those shoes.
You fell down a mound of olives?
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