A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s02e04 Episode Script

My Booty Look Juicy, Don't It?

Okay, Tiffany, go to sleep.
Wait, is my bonnet on? Nice and Light.
But not too tight.
I don't want to leave a line.
Go to sleep.
I gotta remember to buy more Funyuns.
I just got that, fun onions.
Sleep! I could buy Funyuns with money from my GoFundMe scam.
I should really stop telling people I have lupus.
I am a garbage person.
I've always been trash.
Remember in third grade when Casey Winters stuttered one time and I called her MC Stammer? Then for the rest of the year, every time she raised her hand, even the teacher would say, "Stop, stammer time!" I wonder where Casey is now.
I'm a bully.
I used to sit behind Casey in class and spray her elbows with water, and then tease her for being ashy.
My soul is ashy! I deserve every bad thing that has happened to me, including not being able to grow eyebrows yet somehow always having a mustache.
Enough! Father God, I know I haven't paid tithes in like, well, ever, but please forgive me.
I can't live like this.
I would give anything to go back and apologize to Casey Winters from third grade.
You can.
Go ahead.
What the fuck?! It's me, Casey Winters, AKA MC Stammer.
You said you wanted to apologize to me.
Well, here I am.
- I thought you were my conscience.
- You don't have one of those.
I've moved with you to every apartment you've ever lived in.
I spent my entire life under your bed, just tormenting you! But I go to work during the day.
You didn't have to stay under the bed during the day.
This isn't about me! This is about you.
You're a bully! You ruined my life! I mean, I feel like you ruined your life by staying under my bed since the third grade.
You could've made something of yourself by now.
Taye Diggs follows me on Twitter.
You're a loser.
Yeah? If I'm a loser, then why is there an "Unsolved Mysteries" about me? Because your parents think you're missing! There was a whole true crime podcast about you too.
I know! Obviously KJ did not do it.
Girl, he's been in jail for thirteen years! That's on you! I feel like it isn't.
Look, I am sorry if you feel like I bullied you Great! An apology! That's all I wanted.
Get some concealer for those bags under your eyes, you sleepy ass motherfucker! I'm out.
The clerk at a grocery store once said she didn't like my hair.
Talking about my box braids, I'm about to up under her box spring.
A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW I agree with Robin.
This heifer is suspish! Can we not call people cows? Okay, fine.
I won't call her a cow.
But I need to speak with you birds.
It is selfish of her to not do my hair.
It is the end of the world, and we all have to pitch in somehow.
How are you pitching in? By getting this woman to use her God-given gift to lay my edges.
When did she only have on gift? She's dealing with your slander and being a whole ass barista.
Fuck the coffee! I have a confession.
I put conditioner in my hair this morning, guys.
But then Ashley said it'll make my hair radioactive.
My hair probably has only fifteen minutes to live.
And this bitch, she talk about "I'm off the game".
What is going on with you two? Y'all are over here playing Petty Cake, suspishing Skye for no reason! And now you have me saying it.
Gabrielle, come on! Skye has been down for us forever.
Who untangled your weave when we got kicked out of Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve with Ryan Seacrest? And who gave you 45 inches when other stylists said your neck only had the fortitude for 42? Skye believed in you.
Now you're trying to give her the big chop? And as far as radioactive hair goes, I would never present a problem without a solution.
I'll just shampoo it out.
Points were made.
Shots unfired.
What? Now I'm only one who's crazy because I think this place is weird and she has a secret? You're right.
I do have a secret.
Welcome to the Coral Reefs annual corporate retreat here at the Serenity Wellness Resort & Spa.
- Blippity, blippity.
- Scat, scat, scat.
As you know, it's been a tough year in a banging industry.
Recruitment is down 27% from our Prison-to-Reef pipeline.
Our Mergers & Acquisitions team, they failed to gain real estate from the Second Street Stabbers.
And people thought that our drive by mammogram mobile was a food truck.
So, what you saying is our breast exams was a "bust"? Stupid.
You think early detection is a joke, Flop Wilson? Nah.
Not everybody has premium healthcare, like we do.
Your privilege is showing, buster! Now, as I was saying, our morale is at an all-time low, especially after we lost Shelly.
To Swing Left.
Congratulations to her for making a difference in our democracy.
Scat, scat, scat.
Now what we gon' do here today is we're gonna master some vital self-care techniques.
In so doing, we're gonna find ways to achieve and maintain a healthy murk/life balance.
Blippity? - Scat.
- I'm with it.
I'm about to get centered like a motherfucker.
I want you to get into your Padmasana pose with your palms facing up, and then let's kill some mantras.
No disrespect to Tamra whose cousin, Mantra, was killed last week.
- Sorry for your lost.
- Appreciate you.
Jess, you up.
Okay, bet.
"I am Becoming by Michelle Obama".
That's just the title of a book, nigga! Okay, I'm sorry.
Namaste, Namaste.
Now you not gon' say no more jokes, Ali Wrong 'cause you about to get shot.
No, no! Come on! Shot of wheatgrass! But them's is bitter though! No.
What's bitter is your low iron causing our high customer attrition.
So get to sipping.
Proud of you, homie.
Yeah, you're taking your performance review to heart.
But I asked for your mantra.
So since you just want to be a mark and sit there with your smirk, why don't you take these markers and work on this adult coloring book? INTJ ass.
But these designs are so intricate though! You want to know what's intricate? Your neural pathways blippitying around to the point where you can't reach Nirvana! You think that I am going hard on all of these wellness shit for my health? I want all of us to make the Thirty Bangers Under Thirty list, not just Shanedra.
Five years running, homie.
Now that I made myself blippity clear, Tamra, your mantra, go.
Well Nigga, is that your phone, nigga? The sign clearly says, "no devices"! But it's the Southwest regional trap call! I didn't dial in.
I'm about to dial in your ass! Hello, ass? She needs some motherfucking me time! You know what? Since you can't get your self-care together, you're about to catch these hands.
During a sixty-minute massage.
Aw, man.
Tight! Take in that self-care, homie! Get in the shoulders, massage lady.
Did someone order towels? Homie! This here is a private class.
So why don't you take these high thread count linens and see your way up outta here? I got a better idea! Why don't you leave your high falutin attitude and see this gun up in your face? Who is scat? That's Antonia.
She 'posed to be dead! She alive like a mu'fucka.
So sorry, Antonia.
We thought You thought?! Last time I checked, I thought I was the founder of the Coral Reefs.
And I'm the only one who decides if I'm alive or not.
So, you not dead? To the IRS, I am.
Dang, Ja Rule, you ain't pay your taxes? Why should I pay the government 42% of my income so they could allocate that revenue to agencies that will terrorize me and my community? Nah.
I don't mean to step on your Chucks or nothing, Antonia, but why you here then? I risked my freedom to deliver a message.
- To me? - Yes, to you.
Congratulations, Elisa, you won the Coral Reefs divisional excellence award! - Blippity, blippity! - Scat, scat, scat! Blip-blippity! First, I want to thank all the mark-ass busters.
Save it for the national banquet.
But break me off some of that petty cash so I can get back to my private island.
Safe travels.
Y'all knew y'all had me thinking I was about to get 'murked.
Thought I was about to be laid down! Don't hurt him, Resa! Or do! Your choice! You're the birthday girl! A birthday girl who can still fit in this body-con dress! I looked in the mirror, and I was like, yes, my body con still do that shit! We done.
My booty look juicy, don't it? Hell yeah! Like good gossip.
Thirty-five, where? Hey, ladies.
Shot time! Cheers to aging like Bianca Lawson and to Resa's birthday of course! Is it twelve yet? Almost.
The clock strikes twelve in five, four, three, two, one.
Did I lose a tooth? The time has come for you to step into the role of auntie! On a who and a what? Why, you're 35, which means it's officially time! Today is your Auntie-pendence Day! And I am your Fairy Aunt-Mother! I'm good, so thanks.
From this day forth, you're basically I said no! I am still lit, okay? Would an auntie be able to Milly Rock? She would.
And it would look just like that.
So sad.
But I still look and feel so young.
I'm wearing a fucking body-con! But originally, you wanted to wear a turtleneck, did you not? Well, duh, bitch.
I didn't want to catch a cold.
See? Once the clock strikes twelve, quality bras, Tupperware in your Coach purse, and a state room on the Tom Joyner cruise 'twill all be your new reality.
And by this time tomorrow night, you'll be at home, reading in your housecoat.
- You evil.
- And you're aging! No, wait! Just one more year, okay? I still got some perks and some twerks left in me! Come on now! Please! Please, I don't want to be an auntie! It's too late.
You already are.
No! Oh, no! That's not me! It can't be me.
I would never wear no kitten heel.
Look at them feet! No! Not me.
Try again, girl.
That ain't me.
There she goes with these nursery rhymes and shit My job is done, and you must accept the truth of age.
Tastes like Botox and Boniva.
The fuck?! Y'all ate her? Now I had pot stickers for the table! Resa, chill.
This is how we stay young, by throwing down on fairy dust.
- We're really 85! - But don't trip.
We got you.
'Cause tomorrow night, there's a Anthony Hamilton concert next to a Pappadeaux.
It's gon' be full of chicks turning 35.
It's gon' be hella fairies to grub on.
Let me grab my pocketbook.
But it better be over by 10 PM.
Are y'all cold? It's cold in here.
I'm hot.
I think I'm having a flash.
Are y'all hot? I do have a secret.
Okay, so last week, when I was here dropping off that box, I found a communications system.
I knew your ass was lying, trying not to communicate about a communications system.
I didn't tell you guys because I was afraid that once you got here, you would get on the system, find out if there were other people out there, and then And then what? You picked a very bad time to pause.
Leave me.
I thought you would leave me.
Sorry! I'm not trying to be weird.
I panic when I'm alone.
I'm good in the world where there's people and podcasts and shit.
But now that that's all gone, I know the only way that I could survive was with some tough, smart, dope women who had each other's backs.
I couldn't find them, so I decided to kick it with y'all.
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard! I can't believe you thought we would leave you.
Never, never.
And to prove it to you, I'd like to know your last name.
What is it? - Jiminion.
- All right.
My dad's name was James.
My mom's name was Minion.
Honey That's not how last names work.
But it's so cute.
- Nice going, Robin.
- What'd I do? You made us doubt our friend who had a perfectly heartfelt explanation for everything.
Yeah, Robin! I don't know why you're so worried about your hair.
Really? And don't act like she was a fucking Care Bear the whole time.
- You didn't know.
- You know what? You've created a lot of unnecessary tension with your suspicions.
And Skye has been nothing but nice to us this whole time.
I think you should apologize.
Apologize? For what? She's the one that should apologize for keeping secrets.
Robin, apologize! I don't care to who.
I've just never seen you do it.
She doesn't have to do that.
It's okay.
Don't act like you know what's best for you right now.
Robin - I'm sorry if you felt that - No.
- Okay, l'm sorry if you thought - No.
I, Robin, am sorry for 2004.
You do it if you know all the words.
This could take all day.
Hold on.
Did you say there's a communications system? Okay.
Let's go get this brunch.
I know my girls about to have some avocado toast 'cause we healthy and have disposable income and shit.
Love y'all! Let's go get some waffles.
Actually, we're not going to brunch, Ally.
We need to talk to you.
Come on, y'all, do we have to do this? Ally's our girl.
Now, sit your ass down, Ally.
This is an intervention.
Everyone, open the "Ally's not in the this one" group text.
Shit, son.
You told me this 'bout to be the hottest intervention of all time? Okay, and I see y'all, thriving on a group chat without me.
Drag me, queens.
Ally, this isn't a joke.
This is serious.
The power this has.
For y'all to tell me about lie and shit? I mean, y'all real ones for this.
I'm so proud of you.
That's actually what we wanted to talk to you about.
You're like an 8 PM milkshake, you gas us up too much.
'Cause y'all the shit.
Effervescent! Yeah, like Alka Seltzer! You have to stop doing that! I am running out of shirts! Ally, our group chat is full of receipts when your "do too much" and "go too hard" have negatively affected us.
I'll start.
Carla's texts are green 'cause she's on Android.
It understands my voice recognition.
- I'm almost there.
- That's mom.
We had a lot of things to say.
Here we are.
You gas me up even when I'm wrong.
Remember this? I put green olives in my mac and cheese.
And you told me to post it on Instagram.
Then my account got reported for being harmful and offensive! - Sorry! - More like delicious and inventive! I don't care if you did get chopped, you still the top chef! Yes! No! And then that one time that I fell asleep at work under my desk, and my boss called me out.
And I was going to apologize, I was.
But you know what you told me? If he's sleeping on your skills, you get to sleep on the job! First of all, great impression.
And also, yes, you're the only boss I see.
Don't let imposter syndrome keep you from getting your Zs while getting your W2s.
I got fired! I see you unemployed! Out here with free time during the day to pursue your hobbies! And let's be real, Kerry.
You deserved to be fired, okay? They caught you in a whole ass bonnet and a slanket.
- Watch it.
- Ally.
Ally, you're a very good friend.
You have a very big heart.
But sometimes Sometimes, your supportiveness is just inappropriate.
Like the time that I had to give a very difficult speech And you ate that shit up! I loved that shit! It was my grandmother's funeral.
At my grandmother's funeral, you stood on a pew and you screamed about how "hordt" my eulogy was.
Yeah, 'cause that shit banged though.
You had a metaphor, a thesis statement, and an analogy! You kilt that, okay? I died.
But your hypeness is not honest! Like when Sasha went through her "I think I can sing" phase, and you submitted her to "The Voice", talking about "you definitely have what it takes to win".
And was my bitch on "The Voice" or was my bitch on "The Voice" though? Yeah, Ally, I did, but the judges, they didn't turn around.
I heard an actual cricket, a real cricket! How you gon' hear a little cricket in that big place? It was like, "You suck!" And you took that rejection like a champ! You was brave as fuck.
Yeah, but now I'm a meme! They call me Cricket Girl.
Best meme in the game! Meme queen! Chirp, chirp.
- Ally, this has to stop! - You're hurting us.
I'm with them.
You just love us too hard.
- Too hard and too hordt? - Yes, both them.
Nobody need that much love, Ally.
Dang, you guys, I just I just want to be a good friend, and then I hear you guys saying these things, it just makes me feel like Y'all are the baddest bitches in the game for this! I feel so intervened right now! Y'all did that.
I would buy tickets to this.
I feel like I went to a concert, but the album being played is me.
I have never been so told about myself in my life! Ally! Enough! Ally, help! Come through, bone! You snapped! No, no! We need to get her to the hospital! I see you blood, pumping out my girl's body.
Come on, homeostasis! Look at the support! Y'all strong.
Come on, muscles.
I love this house.
This is so well decorated.
Girl, when did you paint your door yellow? Okay, come on, breeze.
This is a beautiful day.
Come on, trees, making oxygen and shit.
I see you.
Come on, global warming.
It's nice out here.
Good job, sun.
I'll do it.
That's showing a ten-mile radius of all the cell phone signals around the warehouse.
Are those other survivors? - Where are they? - Maybe I can find Kevin! Shit, those are just our phones.
That's okay, I got this.
Sure, everyone's dead.
But on the bright side, no fuckboys are alive.
Kevin Thank y'all so much! You're all just so beautiful! - We love you, Nona! - I love you too, queen.
I love you all.
Now this next record is very special to me.
How many of y'all breathe air? This one's for you, queen.
All I breathe is air Anytime I open my eyes, I see Breathe with me, see with me.
Sing it! Breathe with me, see with me! Every time I step, I walk Every time I speak, I talk Every time I listen, I hear And every time I breathe, it's air Y'all feel me? Say "Ooh, air"! - Ooh, air! - Say "Oooooh, air right there"! Oooooh, air right there! Ooh, ooh, air, A-E-I-O-U And sometimes Y-Y-Y-Y-Y.
And I before E except after C Your turn! Do the air with me Scare with me Twist your hair with me Nair with me Do it! Do the air with me Scare with me Twist your hair with me Nair with me Y'all look good! Now do this! Solve with me, evolve with me.
You got it! I like your energy, queen! If y'all got real love for me, put your hands in the air.
Put 'em up high! Yeah! Nona, are you okay? Yeah, I'm good.
All I need is air.
Every time I open my eyes, I see.
- Yes, sing! - Who am I? Nona Love! - But like, where am I from? - Chi-Town! But like, what street, specifically? 1422 Ashland.
Nah, seriously, y'all, I think that fall really did me in.
I don't remember anything.
Are there any doctors in the house? Nah, like real medical assistance.
Help me out.
I need some air.
All I breathe is air Every time I open my eyes, I see Breathe with me, see with me Every time I step, I fall, Every time I see, I saw.
That's why I broke up with Cameron.
You ain't gon' be wearing my fur coat.
Picky y'all nigga.
You can.
Go ahead.
Sorry, Maybe not so far up.
Cricket, a real cricket.
Okay, but you took that rejection like a tramp.
My real feelings came out! Don't hurt him, Resa! Or do.
My mic My hot pack just fall out.
- Sorry! - Where was that?
Previous EpisodeNext Episode