Tires (2024) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Watch this, dumbass.
[rock music playing faintly]
-Hey!
-Damn it!
You're in trouble. If you miss, it's an I.
You already have a W.
-I'm gonna scream when you shoot.
-You can't scream. That's cheating.
I'm just not allowed to touch you.
No, don't scream. If you scream,
it doesn't count unless I make it.
[Cal] Oh.
I.
-I can't get in the zone.
-[Shane] Cal, you're up.
I can't get out of the zone 'cause I've
been having so much sex with Kelly lately.
-Oh, you… you're doing her?
-We're gonna.
[Cal sighs]
-[Shane] W.
-W.
If I make this,
Little Willie's in trouble.
He doesn't have the clutch gene like I do.
-What are you doing?
-Nothin'.
-You wanna get close?
-Just standing here.
-Fine. I love that pressure.
-I'm gonna scream.
-Gonna scream?
-Mm-hmm.
-[Will groans]
-And one.
Ooh, that hurt.
If you miss, it's over. W-I. This is G.
You have to wear it all day,
and you can't tell anyone why.
You're not allowed to acknowledge it.
-I know the rules!
-All right.
-Ooh, a little sex face for the shot?
-It's not my sex face.
What's your sex face?
It's just more… It's, like, a little…
It's just, uh, like, passionate.
I don't even…
Listen, stop it!
-This is it.
-[inspiring music playing]
Don't fuck this up.
A lot of pressure, Little Willie.
Choke. You're gonna choke.
Don't fucking miss.
Please miss.
[inspiring music continues]
Okay. Here is your receipt,
and here are your keys.
[pop music playing faintly]
[door opens, chimes]
-Were you checking yourself out?
-[Will] No.
Yes.
I don't think it looks too bad.
-It's not that bad.
-[Will] No.
You look cool. You look like a rock star.
-It looks real.
-Right?
-[Shane] You should wear it like that.
-You just saying that?
[Kilah chuckles] Will!
You look like a pedophile.
Kilah! Uh…
-You look like a fucking pedophile.
-[Will] Shane!
Shane and Kilah,
don't say pedophile!
-[Shane] Pedophile.
-[door opens]
[Will yells]
Hi, sir. Welcome to Valley Forge Auto.
[mellow acoustic music playing]
[rock music playing faintly]
-[Shane] Ooh, thank you, bro.
-[Cal] Yeah.
-That one is for you.
-[Shane] Yes.
Try a little of that on your piano.
Why do you ruin everything? You do
something nice, then say shit like that.
-This is good though.
-[Cal] You don't like that expression?
[Will] Okay, Cal.
She is a yes on the alignment,
a no on the struts,
and also a no on the wipers.
-I think she was a little freaked out.
-[Shane] Definitely fucking freaked out.
[cell phone buzzing]
Oh shit. Just got a text from my dad.
He's in town.
He said, "Come get lunch at Applebee's.
Bring Cousin Willie."
Oh, absolutely not.
I do not need
two grown men trying to hit my nuts.
What?
Shane! See?
That's all it is. It's just two Shanes.
Except one is insanely rich.
Your dad's rich?
It's not "insanely" rich. He just owns
a bunch of bullshit businesses.
You're a rich kid?
-[Shane] No.
-Yes.
Yes! You went to Disney World
all the time.
My dad just got drunk at Epcot
and hit on the princesses.
Sounds like something you would do
if you were rich.
Jasmine, for sure.
-Ariel.
-[Shane] Hmm.
I like Pocahontas.
Ew, she was, like, ten in that.
-She was?
-[Shane] Yeah.
I didn't know that!
I wouldn't have said that.
She was young.
Is that why you got that wig on?
-[Will] No!
-Big Chief Muggle-Wump.
You trying to have sex
with a 14-year-old Native American?
-That's fucked up.
-[Will] Shane! I didn't know that!
I thought she was in her twenties.
Sh, stop!
[sighs] Also,
um… I need an answer from you if you're
planning on moving up to manager.
'Cause if not,
I gotta start looking for someone.
[slurping]
[Shane] You love the way you look
in that wig, dude.
-You look good. Come here.
-I regret this.
[pensive music playing]
Take pictures of him throughout the day.
He'll try and take that off.
Yeah, 100%.
I'll reward you with some Applebee's.
-Want anything for lunch?
-If your rich dad's paying for it.
Don't do that.
-[Cal] What?
-Sorry my dad worked hard.
-[Cal] All right.
-And yours is fucking dead.
I'll take a cheeseburger.
[Dave] There was one other guy
who applied, Buchtar.
-Uh-huh.
-[Dave] Seems all right. Ran his own shop.
He's Albanian, though, and, uh,
they are pretty shifty,
in my experience, but
it's good to have them on your side.
[Jon] Yeah.
I gotcha.
-[phone rings]
-Ooh.
This is Jon.
[Will] Dad, I was wondering
if you'd heard back from the bank yet.
I called and sent an email, and--
Yeah, you don't need to call
or send an email. They'll get back to you.
Dad, if I die before you,
do not speak at my funeral.
Your energy is just brutal.
Yeah. Oh, a True Thread rep
is stopping by today.
Oh, that's cool.
Yeah, see if you can
negotiate a deal for us.
-Okay.
-We've been buying from them consistently.
-Push 'em for a dollar or two off a tire.
-[whispers] Jon, let me do that.
-You can do that?
-Will, don't worry about it.
-I'll come down and handle that for you.
-No, no.
Absolutely not. No. No!
These guys are sharks.
You're a little guppy.
You're not gonna be able to swim
in these waters.
You're looking at a shark.
I'm the shark
that the other sharks are like,
"Wow, that's been around longer than me."
I'm that shark. You're the shark
whose dad's been around a lot.
You're the little baby shark.
Put 'em in an aquarium next to a goldfish,
and it would probably be a fair fight.
Everybody needs to stop, you know…
It's like I'm about to ride a bike,
and everybody's trying to rush on
and put training wheels on it.
It's like, "Get away from me.
I'm about to ride!"
[Dave] Training wheels?
You don't even get a bike yet!
You… you know when they put a toddler
in a little car
in front of a grocery cart?
That's what you're on.
You're fake steering.
You're not even riding shit.
I'm on a fast-ass motorcycle, Ducati,
ass-cheeks parked up in the air
so I can hit the curves fast as shit.
And I'm a shark, by the way.
And I'm a killer shark
on a fast-ass motorcycle.
You're a little-ass goldfish
in the fucking grocery store cart car.
What the fuck are we doing here, Jon?
All right, buddy.
Let me know how you make out.
-[Will] Wha… Uh, I got it.
-[phone beeps]
[muttering] I'm a fucking shark.
Good lord, I hate this thing.
[man] We do everything.
We, they.
-[hostess] Hi, welcome to Applebee's.
-Yeah, totally.
[indistinct conversation in background]
I would've said 25.
Really, really looking great.
-[waitress] Hmm.
-Oh, there he is.
There's my son. Look at him.
Oh! Hey.
-[both grunt]
-[rock music playing faintly]
-[chuckles]
-Hey, Shane.
-[Shane] Hey, Colleen.
-Oh, you guys know each other?
-Oh, yeah.
-[Shane] Yeah.
That's a fantas… It's nice. It's nice.
It is nice.
Yeah. Um, all right.
I'm gonna go grab those beers.
-[Shane's dad] Good.
-Bud Light? Yeah.
-[whispers] So into you.
-Oh my God.
-No, she's not.
-Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.
She was completely locked into you.
She can see the potential
seething inside of you.
Emotionally, physically, sexually.
-Ew.
-Ask her out.
I'm not gonna ask her out. Colleen?
-[Shane's dad] Yeah.
-I have no shot.
-She knew your drink order.
-I get those every time.
"Hey. Bud Light?"
Yeah. Yeah, that's nice.
Why are you back in town?
Well, you never come down to see me,
so I thought I'd come up here.
You moved to a swamp.
I moved to the Florida Keys.
You'd actually love it down there.
There's, like, an ocean
of silver bush retirees.
What makes you think
I want retired silver bush?
I want good, regular bush.
[Shane's dad] Ah, there she is.
Ah, that is a nice, frosty mug.
Now, listen, keep 'em coming,
but not too fast.
Wait till right around down here,
the lower rib cage of the mug, and then…
and then I would say,
then bring the next round.
Okay, so the bottom.
-Uh, not quite the bottom.
-Got it. I think I know what you mean.
-She knows what you mean.
-Great. Thank you, Colleen.
Uh, thank you.
Shane, how did you get so ripped?
[Shane] Oh God.
-She heard me.
-Of course she fucking heard you.
[Shane's dad] Yeah.
-Why are you doing that?
-I'm setting you up.
She knows I'm not jacked. She just saw me.
-[scoffs]
-You think she forgot?
She's not out of reach.
Stop.
Hey, pal. Um, we've been clients of yours
for a long time.
We have been cli… We have been clients
of yours for a long time, pal.
I'm talking three dollars off.
Let's talk three dollars off.
I've heard you guys are sharks,
but you're dealing with
a shark here.
You're dealing with a killer whale.
[suspenseful music plays]
It's disgusting.
[music fades]
[entry bell chimes]
[door closes]
[clears throat]
Hey, little guy. Your dad home?
Holy shit.
I'm sorry?
I'm just messing with you.
Ryan from True Thread.
[Will] Oh.
How you doin'?
Not giving you too much there, am I?
[scoffs] You're not giving me
too much at all, actually.
I thought you'd be giving me
a little bit more.
Oh, you want me
to turn up the heat a little? [laughs]
[rhythmic music building]
I thought you'd actually have
more gas than this…
All right!
-[music stops]
-[sighs]
-It's a wig.
-[Ryan] Oh.
I'm sorry. Are you sick? You could've
fooled me with that handshake.
All right, Brian.
-Uh, Ryan.
-[Will] Sure. Come to my office, please.
-[Ryan] It's Ryan.
-[breathy] Hi.
[car door slams]
1977 MGB. Wow.
This doesn't look anything
like the pictures.
Yeah, obviously,
things look better in pictures, Cal. Shit.
Tommy went on a date with this chick
three months ago
'cause she saw his pictures.
Poor girl shows up,
finds out he's 5'9", freaks out.
-[Tommy] Whoa!
-[horn beeps]
We didn't have any chemistry.
She looks at me, she goes,
"Whoa, big boy. What are you doing later?"
Now, I've had some ricochet pussy
in my day, but I can't…
-I can't do that to Tommy.
-I don't remember that part.
Look, Tommy's great.
He's a sweet guy.
Sharp jaw. Fat hog. Does what he's told.
She walked away from a good deal, Cal.
Don't be that girl.
You slap a couple coats of paint
on this bad boy, a new headlight…
[sucks air]
…this kitten's gonna purr.
-You can see it, huh?
-[engine turns over]
[man] Pleasure doing business
with you, Cal.
-What are you doing? Get in the front.
-Nah, it's more comfortable back here.
[Tommy] It makes me feel
like a fucking Uber.
[Ryan] I don't have a ton of time here,
I gotta make my rounds,
but, uh, we got
a new series of all-season tires.
A lot of our biggest customers
are buying 'em up.
I'm sure you probably might not be able
to afford them right now,
but, uh, we're looking to offload
a few of those--
Can you cut the shit?
-Sorry?
-[Will] I'm in a bad mood.
I'm wearing a wig.
I'm getting hair in my mouth.
Can you just drop the whole shark routine?
[scoffs softly]
I suck at this.
What?
[groans] I fucking suck at this.
[Ryan scoffs]
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no--
No, no, it… it's true.
I'm the worst salesman on the team.
All the other guys make fun of me.
They call me blockhead.
Boxy face.
Pussy.
No, you've got a great face.
They're crazy.
Kilah can't stop looking at you.
[Ryan] Thanks, man.
That's nice of you to say.
That… that's a shame that's a wig.
You should consider
growing your actual hair out
'cause it actually looks good on you.
It doesn't look bad, right?
No. [chuckles]
You look like fucking Dave Grohl.
I'm sorry about the handshake thing.
I learned that in a book, and--
Totally fine! You were really
bringing the heat out there.
Oh! You too. You… you lift?
Constantly.
-I could tell, yeah, when I walked in.
-Thank you.
Not a lot of guys work out,
I feel, in this line of work.
That's what… I… I… I…
I think I'm an anomaly.
When I make my… When I make my rounds,
between you and I, I go to places,
and I pop in, and it's a lot of, like…
Like, fat fucks. Can I say that?
Yeah, you could def… They are fat.
And when I go place to place, it's like,
fat fuck, fat fuck, fat fuck,
and it's, like, crazy.
I'm not trying to be mean,
but it's, like, I go home,
and I've literally had nightmares
about, like, fat fucks coming for me.
Boy, it is so cool
to meet somebody else in the industry
that cares about health and fitness.
This is refreshing. I feel like
I'm kind of on an island here,
but, you know,
I found somebody else on the island.
-[Will] Yes.
-I'm not the sole survivor. [laughs]
You're obviously huge. What do you do?
Well, I've been following this guy,
Brock Majors,
and his thing is workouts
around your house or your work
with whatever you have, and…
I mean, you wanna try some here?
Hell yes!
Do you wanna get iced coffees first?
Yeah, I'd love that.
A little pre-workout action?
-A little pre-workout.
-Uh-huh.
Get you a little… Maybe if we go crazy,
we'll take a little Advil.
-That's God mode.
-[Shane's dad] There she is.
Sup?
Oh, sup?
Nothin'.
Sup?
-I guess that could've gone worse.
-You told me to do it.
I thought you were gonna
say something more than "sup."
I didn't know what to do. It was quick.
Hey, Jon says, uh, things are going great.
Yeah, things are good.
Will came up with this idea to sell tires,
and it fucking works,
so we're… kinda killing it.
-[Shane's dad] That's great for Will.
-Yeah.
It must be terrific
for he and his dad's relationship.
Sounds cool.
And it got me to thinking, um,
maybe you and I should try
working together again.
[scoffs] We tried that once.
That was a long time ago. I was a dick.
I was a dick to work for.
It's been a while.
Maybe we could take another shot.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-What are we gonna do?
-Anything we want.
I just sold
a scrap metal business in Florida.
What about a… car dealership?
In Florida?
[Shane's dad] No, no, no.
Up here, where you are. It's perfect.
I'm a great salesman.
You're a great mechanic.
I'm out front.
You're in the service department.
Phil and Shane's Car-a-van.
You've never worked around cars.
Well,
I didn't know anything about hamburgers
before I bought that Burger King in '06.
That paid off sweet.
Paid for that private school
you dropped out of.
Jesus Christ. It only took you 30 minutes
to bring that up.
-I thought you were poking me.
-I'm not. You're poking me.
-I thought you were poking me.
-I'm not.
-You made fun of my wardrobe.
-I didn't make fun of your outfit.
Oh. Maybe it just felt like
you were going to.
-You do dress gay.
-You dress poor.
I am poor.
So you are…
All right. [clears throat]
Let's change the subject.
All right.
[puffs air]
Trans guy joined my country club.
Yeah, Derek. He's a golfer.
So I get paired up with him.
Terrible swing. Terrible.
[dreamy piano music playing]
[piano music continues]
[music ends]
[Ryan grunts]
Pretty awesome about that loan.
Yeah, it's not a definite, but I think
it's almost certainly gonna happen.
-[Ryan] Awesome.
-[grunts]
Oh man, that's great!
I actually have a pump on.
Yeah! I bet you could do pull-ups
from the lift.
I've been wanting to increase my pull-ups.
It's all about persistence, right?
I've been reading Brock Majors' book,
and he says
it's better to do ten push-ups each day
rather than a hundred push-ups
once a week.
-Yes. Preach, bitch.
-[Ryan] Yeah.
Yeah. Hey, hit me with the rock.
[Ryan] Ah!
[clattering]
[Ryan] Close.
Um, Ryan?
-Yo.
-[Will] I do have to bring something up.
We've been good clients for a long time.
We were kinda hoping
to get a little bit of a discount.
I know, um…
[Will] What?
The thing is, I was supposed
to come here and tell you that we're…
we're actually increasing our tire prices.
Well, that sucks.
[Cal] Will, pick up that tire again.
-[Will] Cal!
-[Cal] What?
-Okay?
-[Cal] I got it.
Hey, why don't you come
to the Mid-Atlantic Tire Expo next week?
I can get you two tickets.
We can talk it over with my boss.
And if that loan comes through
and you increase your inventory
like you were saying,
I can get you that discount.
-Oh, yeah?
-And guess who's the keynote speaker.
Brock Majors.
Brock Majors?
-It's nuts.
-Listen, I'm gonna hit the bathroom.
-That coffee went right through me.
-Sure thing, man. Sounds good.
Okay.
Final attempt.
I think you and I would make a great team,
and I think I can help you.
I don't need your help.
Shane, you're a 36-year-old
unmarried mechanic.
Look at Colleen. Back in the day,
I'd have been all over that.
I gotta sit here
and watch you not even try.
You think every waitress you've had
liked you?
Shane, they did.
-Viking genetics.
-Oh, my God.
[Colleen] All right.
Can I get you guys anything else?
Shane, do you think Colleen's pretty?
-Oh.
-[Shane] What?
-[Shane's dad] Simple question.
-I mean, yes.
Obviously, yeah, Colleen's very pretty.
-Sorry, I have a boyfriend.
-I wasn't actually trying to--
-Is it serious?
-Dad, stop.
Shane is very tall, very handsome.
Shops only at the Tall and Handsome store.
It's The Big and Tall store.
-He is very tall. And very handsome.
-Sorry about my dad.
He had a stroke, which is why he dresses
and acts like this.
I did not have a stroke.
I was concussed while parasailing.
-No worries. I'll see you around, Shane.
-See you, Colleen.
What are you doing?
Her relationship is not serious.
I can tell.
I don't need your help with women
or with work or anything.
Okay. You've got everything handled.
I was just trying to help.
-All right. I'm gonna head out.
-[Shane's dad] Wait a minute.
It's not how I wanted this to go.
Let's go do some day drinking.
That's not gonna help. I gotta go.
I love you.
-[Shane] I love you.
-Proud of you.
[rock music playing over speakers]
Oh, nice! This is my song.
Yeah.
[silence]
Do you want one more song?
Do you want one more song?
Yeah, you want one more fucking song!
Thank you, good night!
No, I think we're going
to the Viper Room later.
I don't know. I think we're going
to the Viper Room later.
Yes. Okay.
-[Dave] How are you?
-[Ryan] Hey.
Dave Loulopolis.
I'm the general manager here.
-[Ryan] Really nice to meet you.
-[Dave] Great to meet you. Ryan, yes.
-It's great to make your acquaintance.
-I appreciate that.
-[Will] Hey, Dave.
-Hey, Will.
What's up?
Nothin'. Just checking in on things.
Okay. Well, there's nothing
to check in on, so…
You, uh… you heading out, big guy?
Yeah, I got a few more stores to hit,
so just getting out there.
Gotcha. Yeah, yeah.
Well, how we doin' on those discounts?
[tense drum rolls]
Um, well,
we were talking.
Great. So we're knocking off
a buck or two?
Um…
Actually…
Yeah, um,
unfortunately,
tire prices are going up, so…
-Yeah.
-Right. They're going up.
Wow, Will.
You convinced a tire rep
to increase our prices. Incredible job.
Well, there's nothing we can do
about the tire prices.
It's across the board.
Well, Ryan, I've been at this a while.
I know there's always something
you could do.
Hey, I'll tell you what. Why don't
me and you knock off? Late lunch.
I know
this incredible titty bar, Dancerella's.
They do a marvelous prime rib.
[Ryan] No, thank you.
Come on, bud. I'm friends
with all the guys over at True Thread.
We'll have a good time.
You know Pete Seidel?
Me and Petey shut that place down--
Pete's a fat piece of shit.
He still has a job because he got photos
of my boss kissing a prostitute in Miami.
And, unlike Pete,
I don't do business over sandwiches and
pussy.
So, no, thank you, big guy.
Tire prices are going up.
Will, see you at the conference.
Wait. You're going to the tire expo?
Yeah, True Thread is buying his passes.
He your plus-one?
No!
He is.
What? [scoffs]
Well, good. I don't fucking care.
I'm fucking busy.
I don't wanna go
to that sausage fest anyway.
Why don't you have your own conference
at the titty bar?
-[Dave] Yeah, maybe I will.
-Oh, good. Do it, then.
-[Dave] It will be good.
-Dumb Fricking Dickhead Con.
No, it'll be the Fucking Cool Guy Con!
[tense music playing]
Where are we goin'?
Tire expo.
Ooh, nice.
I'm gonna get fucked up at that.
-Shane!
-[Shane] Oh, hey.
I, uh… I thought about
the whole manager thing.
I'm gonna pass on that, man,
but thank you for offering.
[Will] Okay.
You are a rock star ♪
You are a rockin' maniac ♪
You can really sing
Your horse-whooping ass off ♪
You can really whip a polar bear's ass ♪
Dave Grohl ♪
Dave Grohl ♪
Dave Grohl ♪
Dave Grohl ♪
You are my buddy to the max ♪
You are my friend to the friendly end ♪
You are a nice friend ♪
I like you fairly well ♪
Dave Grohl ♪
Dave Grohl ♪
Dave Grohl ♪
Dave Grohl ♪