A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s02e05 Episode Script

Yeah, girl, I'm finna warm up
these leftovers.
Girl, why you act
like food don't go bad? It does.
Excuse me, Ms. Subway,
but some of us don't have time
to eat fresh every day.
You know I have to cook every night
just in case my man Reggie pops up.
That's why I'm always buying shellfish.
I saw he posted on Instagram
he likes to eat shrimp and stuff.
First of all, he's not your man.
He belongs to the streets.
You got to set some boundaries.
I wish a nigga would pop up
at my house unexpected.
Girl, he can eat all my food, but you
know that's not all he be eating.
- I'm talking about box.
- Bump that.
I don't care how good the dick is,
I wish a nigga would eat up all my food.
Get the fuck out of my house!
What do you mean? You invited me.
Just now when you said,
"I wish a nigga would pop up
in my house unexpected".
And then you said, "I wish
a nigga would eat up all my food".
- Nigga, what?
- I ain't say nothing.
You expect me to believe you
pop up every time somebody says,
"I wish a nigga would"?
I said what I said.
Who you talking to?
I wish a nigga would be up
in my house talking crazy to me.
The Earth is flat!
Tofu's better than chicken!
French rolls are making a comeback!
Free Wi-Fi,
that little nigga's innocent!
You and Ginuwine got the same
baby hair, and y'all adults!
You got jokes, huh?
Don't bring my edges into this.
Is this a prank, huh?
Is somebody pranking me, huh?
Where the cameras at?
I wish a nigga would try
to play me right now.
You wanna play?
I brought Uno, Sorry,
and dominos in a Crown Royal bag.
What the f How about this?
How about I wish a nigga would get
the fuck up out my house, hmm?
Nah, it don't work like that.
You gotta believe that shit
down in your gut for it to happen.
Try this, "I wish a nigga would
get the fuck up out my house".
I wish a nigga would get the fuck up
out my house!
You gotta lean into it.
See, you doing this:
"I wish a nigga would get
the fuck up out my house."
How about I wish a nigga would get
the fuck up out my house?
- I didn't believe it.
- What, you The Secret now?
- Quiet as it's kept.
- This nigga here
Here? Or here?
If you don't get your Hood-dini ass
up out my house
Almost had it.
You ain't say nigga though.
We playing Nigga Simon Says now,
that's what we doing?
Latreice, you still there?
Jamaica, what's going on over there?
I was about to call the police, but
then I didn't because I was listening.
Girl, you will not believe this.
There's a nigga in my kitchen,
and I cannot get him to leave.
Well, girl, just tell him
you went to a HWCU.
Nah, he on some Beetlejuice shit,
talking 'bout I gotta believe my words
to get him to leave.
Fuck that,
he doesn't even sound fine.
I wish a non-Reggie nigga would just
pop up in my house unannounced.
Couldn't be me.
There's a non-Reggie nigga
in my house!
You know what? I gotta go, girl.
My phone's dying.
I'mma call you back, okay? Bye.
Well, anyway, how are you, sir?
You like shrimp?
A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW
Okay. Enough wallowing.
It's only been an hour.
I'm still in the first stage of grief.
Denial. No, I'm not.
We just found out everyone on Earth
is dead.
No, we just confirmed
that everyone on Earth is dead.
Well, to be fair, I did that
in my Facebook invite
when I told you all
it was the end of the world.
You also said BYOB.
And I'm the only one who B'd.
Okay, ladies, let's leave the past
in the past. You know what they say.
Today is a gift. That's why
they call it the present.
- Don't cry over spilled milk.
- It takes two to tango.
- - That doesn't make any sense.
Right, 'cause there's five of us.
Look, we are black women,
strong black women.
And yes, that is a damaging trope
that has led many to believe that
we don't need love and care.
And yes, I did write a paper
on the use of said trope
from the advent of television to today.
My professor praised it by calling it,
"long".
The point is, we've had
to be strong our whole lives.
From the moment you sat
between your mother's legs
to get your hair done
and that shitty comb broke off
in your tangles,
to every time you got passed over
for love, promotion,
or prestige simply because
of the color of your skin.
We started off strong,
and we've only gotten stronger.
That is why we survived.
That's why we were meant to survive.
That's why I can give
Shonda-level speeches.
So tighten up, ladies,
we have a world to rebuild
in our own image.
We were made to be gods.
So yeah, bad news,
everyone else on Earth is dead.
But good news, we're here.
And I'm your next president.
- Wait, what?
- Classic Ashley.
Here's your change.
Now go on, sit down somewhere.
It may be 1992, but today
we're taking you back to 1982.
Welcome to Sit Down
Somewhere Classic,
TV's number one lunchtime
competition show.
- I'm Kimber Zak.
- And I'm Neesha Carver.
Kimber, I am ecstatic joining you
as your partner tonight,
and when I say partner,
I mean that in every way possible.
And when I say I have a wife,
I mean that in every way possible.
Hey, tonight we've got
a her-storic episode for you,
so grab your Big League Chew,
your Teddy Ruxpin,
your Barbie who's not yet black,
and settle in 10 years ago
with this Sit Down Somewhere
classic match.
Let's meet our contestants.
Representing the away team,
it's 14-year-old Ceecee.
Now, this is Ceecee's first day
of high school,
so she'll be looking to win
acceptance, friendships,
and to rid herself of the junior high
nickname WeeweeCeecee.
Her opponents today are the students
of Penny Fromgoodtimes High School.
Well, she's gonna be having
a bad time
if she can't score a seat
at the right table for lunch.
As we all know, the key
to surviving the next four years
is clicking with the right clique.
That's right, Kimber,
the rules are simple.
Ceecee must navigate
a gauntlet of crews
and be invited to join one
and sit at their table
all before the lunch bell rings.
How come I don't see
your feet moving?
Sit down somewhere!
And we're off!
Now here Ceecee goes
with her opening move.
She darts left, she darts right,
but it looks like all those kids
are much bigger than her.
Her form looks very good.
She's in top physical condition.
This is my favorite part.
Now she's looking from table to table.
Where is she gonna go?
Looks like Ceecee's going
for the easy win.
Heading straight for the chess champ
Elgin at the nerd's table.
This is a real gimme here.
Neesha, I expected more.
Actually, it's a bold move for Ceecee.
She knows good and damn well
she don't know how to play chess.
King me.
Rejected by the plankton
of the high school ecosystem.
That is embarrassing.
I did not see that coming.
Using a rook like a checker,
now that's a rookie mistake.
- Nice!
- Girl, this ain't stand up lunch.
It's sit down lunch.
Now you need to sit down somewhere.
Here comes a blitz!
An unexpected obstacle
in the form of a goth.
This is Blade's fifth attempt
at a first day friend acquisition.
But Ceecee knows
teaming up with a solo goth
on the heels of a nerd rejection
would make her so lame.
Even lying about being cousins
with Kurtis Blow
wouldn't save her. Kimber,
what's your play here?
Neesha, when I was in this exact
same position in my playing days
Look at that spin!
That is a pro move right there.
Impressive.
Fun fact, that move is what inspired
the Electric Slide.
It is indeed electric.
Hey, sit down somewhere!
Made me hurt my wrist!
Man, I hate that lunch lady!
But she runs a tight ship.
Ceecee's gonna have to bring her
A-game if she wants to land a seat
at the cool kids' table,
led by Loose Limbs Luther.
Another fun fact, Loose Limbs
went on to be cast
in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo,
but sadly, a nasty cardboard cut
ended his career.
Look at this, Ceecee's got the invite.
Holy cow, that's embarrassing.
Loose Limbs Luther was waving over
the fast-ass girl behind Ceecee.
Come on, Ceecee,
you can do better than that.
This is a real last ditch effort
at trying to sit at this table.
Frankly, I'm just embarrassed.
Oh snap!
Oh snap is right, Kimber.
How humiliating for Ceecee.
The last thing we should do here
is show that again,
but let's see it again in slow motion.
Oh man, that's a tough one!
It was humiliating enough
to see it in slow motion.
Let's do it again from another angle.
Now let's see if it's less upsetting
from the back angle.
Nope, just as upsetting.
This is one Sit Down Somewhere
Classic that is very close to my heart.
How so?
- Because I'm that little girl.
- Aren't we all?
- Hey, join us for
- No, I am Ceecee.
Neesha is my middle name.
I got out of the game after that
breakdancing incident went wrong.
I never ate in a cafeteria again,
and I've been standing ever since.
Please.
Sit down somewhere.
This has been a classic episode
of Sit Down Somewhere. Night.
That was really you?
Yeah.
Simone, girl, so I looked his pet owl
in the eye and I said,
"Who you think you talking to?"
I know that's right, Keema.
Don't have me looking around for you
like you Waldo.
By the way, a cut and buff is extra,
so I was like, nah, where you at?
'Cause I'm grown.
I'm not a child. I'm good on the cut
and buff. Girl, he's crazy.
I know, but peep this.
The next day, me and his sister went
to Chili's,
and she asked to try my steak.
A cuticle treatment's
an extra dollar per nail.
If I'm paying these Chili prices,
you cannot taste my steak.
I'm good on the cuticle cleanup.
But tell me why just last week
this bitch claimed to be a vegan?
Your cuticles really could use
the treatment.
But I'm like, girl, commit to a diet.
It's too many I-don't-eat-that
categories out there.
It's like you're either hungry
or you're not.
Exactly, I hate that shit.
I just go by flexitarian because I am
flexible and my choices are whatever.
But did you want a soak?
That is two dollars
on top of the lotion fee,
which is three dollars per pop.
Anyway, I cut her a steak sliver.
Flexitarian is smart 'cause you can
dibble and dabble judgement free.
I washed my hands before I got here.
No lotion. Was the steak tender?
Girl, what?
It's so tender. But mind you,
I was just there with Tevin
a few weeks back,
so I had to pretend
like it was my first time.
What shape did you want?
Coffin is five, stiletto is eight,
and basic square is 10 dollars.
But I played that off.
I did that same shit when
the last Marvel movie came out.
I let my nigga Marcus take me
to see it.
Leave my nails whatever shape
they in now. Then Hakim took me too!
Them niggas is as thirsty
as your nailbed.
Now, if you want tips, that's gonna
be 12 dollars per finger.
- Those movies, they are cinematic.
- They are so cinematic.
No tips for you or my nails,
but Black Widow should've been
played by a black woman or a spider.
Facts. So boom, then I go down
to the new farmer's market.
You been down there? They got
those international marinades I love.
Any new nail design is gonna be
eight dollars per squiggle
and 10 dollars per rhine.
You be marinating?
Only when my man is mad.
No to the rhinestones and/or
the designs, yes to the marinades.
What else they got?
I went down there to grab me
some spices from East Asia,
then I ran in to my cousin, I was like,
"Bitch," and yada yada yada.
Ombre is gonna be 36 dollars for
a gradient stroke, thumbs are double.
But then she kept wrapping me up,
talking 'bout some blahzady-blah.
Hell no to the ombre,
but what was your cousin doing there?
Y'all some organic black folks?
If I eat gluten, my toe swells.
That's gout. But quiet as it's kept.
Top coat polish is 88 dollars.
But that market had everything.
Take your swollen toe
and go on down there
and get you something-something, girl.
And your total is 312.75.
I'mma go on Saturday. And I'm not
paying you a dime over 80 dollars
'cause all you did was file my nails.
Bye, girl.
You got it, boo. It's five dollars
for the wave goodbye.
I'm good.
Before the Apocalypse, I was
an investment banker by day
and a thot by night.
What was the question?
Why should you be president?
The most important thing when
starting a new society is money.
Okay, so I propose
a wine-based currency
where the labels are your paper money,
your caps are your coins. Corks?
Silver dollars.
And would you look at that,
I got all of the money.
So I will keep us in the black
while drinking the red.
Robin, 20 seconds.
What the fuck? Okay.
I'm an excellent planner,
some would say a visionary.
I have a solid plan for the MREs.
I can take that Tuscan beef
and stretch it for months.
Objection, your honor.
You faint at the slightest challenge.
That is no
I'm fine.
You sure? 'Cause you're giving,
"I need a Luna bar".
Low blood-sugar having-ass.
You are the moderator.
Moderate your mouth.
I should be president
because I was the first to recognize
a power vacuum
and declare myself president.
Yes, come through!
With an actual platform.
Well, I've already established
my presidential library.
I think you have to have a presidency
before you can have
a presidential library.
Okay, fine, but let the record reflect,
I am still the smartest.
Let the record reflect
Gabrielle is the scariest.
And I will rule with an iron flist.
I'm a natural born leader,
so I don't know why
we're still talking about it.
And I'm not even a fucking option?
Laci
- That's so cute.
- Why wouldn't it be me?
I am at the peak
of my athletic prowess.
I am clever yet approachable.
- Don't forget cute.
- Thank you, Skye.
You guys never take me seriously,
and you need to put some respect
on my name.
- Sorry, Laci.
- Respect.
So does that mean you want to run
for President then?
Nah. I'm good.
This is about to change your life.
You've been talking about it
for a minute.
Karlie Chanel is a marketing guru,
business mogul, author, speaker,
life coach,
motivationalist, inspirationalist,
she-E-O,
TV personality,
and domestic traveler,
dynamic, powerful, motivate.
Ladies, please welcome
Ms. Karlie Chanel!
- Karlie!
- Did she just bring herself out?
Sabrina, I am so excited.
I stopped buying the good shampoo
and started using those hotel bottles
just so I could afford these tickets.
Okay, I'm sorry, but what exactly
does Black Barbie do again, Latise?
You heard her bio. She's an
inspirationalist and a motivationalist.
You're welcome.
Ladies, I have coached hundreds
of women just like you
on how to tap
into their greatness.
There it is, there's the greatness.
And today I am honored
to deliver my message.
Aspire higher, live louder,
fail quieter, be you!
Rules of the road
on your journey to success
while maximizing your full potential.
Maximize my full potential
You just wrote that down?
She just used a bunch of words,
but didn't say shit. Who is she, TI?
It is imperative that you discover
the discomfort zone,
which exists in the gap
that must be explored
between what is
and what can ultimately become!
- Yes, sis, yes!
- I need to talk to you.
Okay, first, it was your brother's
Herbalife seminar.
Then you dragged me
to that circus clown meetup group.
You have been inviting me on some
wild- ass shit the last couple of weeks.
Is this a cry for help?
Hush, pay attention.
Now, as I say in my book,
"Conquering the Art of Conquering
Through Conquering",
dream, dare, do, be you!
I will, I will do that!
Girl, how many ways are you gonna
let Phony Braxton scam you?
Now, ladies,
as you know, the journey to the self
requires sacrifice and dedication.
It's time
to ignite your inner
and outer self.
What?
Who's ready for their soul
to be set on fire?
I am!
In hell!
Hell?
Ladies, leave your purses
on your chair,
and come burn away the demons
of self doubts.
Latise, the fuck are you doing?
I like this shirt.
I don't want it to burn.
I don't want you to burn.
Sabrina, lean into it.
Be brave, be bold, be you!
Okay, this is enough. You have
gone full-on batshit crazy.
Lose my number
and never talk to me again!
Yes, my Karliebelles! Yes!
Revel in that cleansing fire! Yes!
That was so much easier than telling
her I didn't want to be in her wedding.
I pulled out your nose hairs one by one,
and you barely even flinched!
Show me some hurt, damn it!
Nice try, Kid Cudi.
I have thyroids
the size of cantaloupes.
I have slept through worse pain.
Saul, how could you forget?
No! What are you doing?
Don't you know you're never supposed
to touch a black woman's purse?
Now that I have your attention,
I'm gonna tell you a little story.
No, don't set it on the floor.
My money's gonna go out the door.
One day, I asked
about my refund check
in the financial aid office.
The lady told me
to come back next week,
just as she did every week before!
But this day, I took it
exceptionally hard.
If you put your hand in my bag,
I turn in to an old hag.
Your hand on my clutch,
I have had luck.
That didn't rhyme,
but you know what I mean.
My lip stuff!
You zip your dehydrated lips!
Anyway, I left her office in tears,
and you recorded me!
What?
Oh shit. You're my pinned tweet.
You made me a meme!
And now I'm in a support group
with Antoine Dodson,
Sweet Brown, and this lady!
I had no idea it would go viral!
It's not my fault it struck a chord
with Chrissy Teigen.
- Are you okay, baby?
- Nacie, this guy is crazy!
That's the dude from the meme.
"But it's my money!"
- Nacie, untie me.
- Why's your purse on the floor?
- I know, it's such bad juju.
- Why's your purse on the floor?
What? What happened?
You fucked up, so we stole all your
basketball shorts and hoodies.
Now you gonna have to collect
your Postmates in jeans,
like a bitch!
But it's my hoodie!
I'm tired of having this argument.
I'm the only one who has
a political science degree.
I'm the only one who has
any common sense.
I'm not voting for Ashley,
'cause she doesn't even want it.
She just think she'd look cute
on money, which, fair.
I'd make it rain Ashleys.
After careful thought,
I am still voting for me.
Okay, well, all disrespect,
you'd be terrible.
You would just sell us out for a man
or a Moscato, whichever came first.
Hopefully me.
She's too horny to be president.
Or exactly horny enough.
Robin, admit it,
you are jealous that Skye came up
with a plan to save us
and that no one went to an imaginary
house that you dreampt about.
Great, now you all have me
saying "dreampt".
You know what, I am. Because
you know where I'm president?
My fly-ass apocalypse-proof house.
And I know you all don't believe me,
but it is real, okay?
And guess who's going back there?
Me and only me.
So good luck surviving
without the cool one!
Jasmine, what the hell?
How are you still here?
You missed Essence Fest.
Mary J. Blige performed
with a hologram of Mary J. Blige.
Girl, what? I could've sworn I haven't
been here that long, Vanessa.
My appointment was at 8:00.
Last Thursday, dang.
My boss probably fired me, huh?
Probably. And you should fire
your trifling stylist.
So let's do what she couldn't
and make tracks.
Yep, let's go, come on!
Oh, my pre-stretched hair!
Queens,
welcome to Wigzard of Oz!
I'm Gigi, the owner.
My store is like hip-hop in the '90s.
You can sample anything you want.
Warm welcome, flee samples,
am I white here?
No!
At Wigzard of Oz, it is our mission
to give every black woman
the full service beauty
experience she deserves.
And, girl, they don't even play
Christian music here
to put the fear of God in you
so you don't steal.
Christian music never stopped
anyone from doing wrong.
My pastor's mistress told me that.
Notice our shampoo and conditioner
sets are proportional to usage.
- What?
- Name a more iconic duo. I'll wait.
And all of our synthetic wigs
are made from premium fibers
that do not matte or tangle.
They all say that,
and then I end up out here
tumbleweeding in these streets.
Well, ours are different.
Take Margaret over there.
See her wig?
That can't be a wig.
Same one she had on
during the LA Riots.
Margaret, you look good, girl.
Also, our stylists start
every appointment on time.
Stop lying. What if I'm late?
Send your hair ahead of time
of course.
Dang, make it make sense, Ms. Gigi,
did you go to Hogwarts?
No, Howard.
So, Jas, look, they even have
curling irons that don't burn.
Put it on your forehead.
Girl, I am not putting a hot-ass
curling iron on my forehead, okay?
- Look at God.
- Look at Her.
They ain't nothing,
but Gods, nothing but Gods.
Is this what you had in mind?
This is amazing.
I have never gotten exactly
what I wanted before.
- Thank you, Ms. Gigi.
- You're welcome.
- I look good.
- You do.
I gotta put this on the 'Gram.
Oh my gosh, I am already getting
so many likes.
I have not gotten this many likes since
I posted some random' girl's sonogram
with the caption, "big news".
They just keep, coming in. See?
You ain't tag me?
No!
Jasmine, I'mma go get
something else to eat.
These chicken tenders taste
like cigarettes.
Give me like four hours.
Ms. Gigi!
Jumbo conditioners!
Magical hair
You got Michael Jordan pride
face sneaks.
You got on some long sleeve drawers.
Well, hopefully, she slides
into a better group.
- I'd love to slide in something myself.
- Don't do it.
And when I say partner, I mean it
in every way possible.
I want to have sex with you.
Oh man, Neesha, I thought we settled
this with the restraining order.
Also, my wife hates you.
She wrote your name in blood
on the ground and lit it on fire.
Well, Neesha, first of all,
my first play was Kurtis Blow.
I'd love to Kurtis Blow you.
I knew you were gonna do it.
I walked right into it.