Poker Face (2023) s02e05 Episode Script
Hometown Hero
1
["BOULEVARD" BY
JACKSON BROWNE PLAYING]
Down on the boulevard
they take it hard ♪
[ANNOUNCER] [ON LOUDSPEAKER]
It's a beautiful day
here at Velvety Canned Cheese Park.
Velvety Canned Cheese:
making your cheese a breeze.
Good morning, everybody.
Get you some canned cheese.
That hat is too great.
I love it, you girls.
[CROWD CHEERING]
But if you choose to stay ♪
You end up playing anyway ♪
[ANNOUNCER] And here
come our boys now.
Ladies and gentlemen, your
Montgomery Cheesemongers!
And on the mound, Montgomery's
own hometown hero,
"Rocket" Russ Waddell!
And you know the kid's in shock ♪
Up and down the block ♪
Get 'em, Rocket! Mow 'em down!
These rat bastards can't
handle the heat, Russ!
Blast off!
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CROWD GROANING]
[CROWD] Oh!
[SPECTATOR] Come on!
Shake it off, Rocket!
You still got it!
Just warming up,
Russ, just warming up!
[CROWD CHEERING]
- [SPECTATOR] Ah, shit.
- [CHEERING DIES DOWN]
[CROWD BOOS]
[CROWD JEERING]
[PLAYER] It's a fucking embarrassment.
[PLAYER 2] I never even
seen nothin' like it, man.
Never gonna win again.
Never getting laid again.
Twenty-nine straight losses!
Twenty-nine!
We're like the goddamn Bad News Bears!
Actually, the Bad News Bears
had one good pitcher
and one good hitter.
So unless Tatum O'Neal walks
through that door, we're worse.
Russ.
Russ?
Are we drinking?
Right behind you.
Hey.
- Brought you some soup.
- Oh.
- Thank you, Lucille.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I just wanted you to know that
you will always have a home here
at Velvety Canned Cheese Park.
You're part of the
family no matter what.
Thanks.
And with Sal retiring next season,
we're going to need a
new head groundskeeper.
Oh, dang. Oh, did Skip not
- Oh.
- [SKIP] Uh
I was just, um,
working up the nerve to tell you.
GM called.
Organization's going to let you go.
That's it?
I'm done?
Russ, I'm sorry.
It's just time.
Well, I tried to make it Sunday ♪
But I got so damn depressed ♪
That I set my sights ♪
Oh, so that's it, huh?
Yep. They're giving me one more start,
then off to the pasture.
Goddamn.
It's not fair, Rocket.
It's too damn fair.
That's what hurts.
If I still had my heat,
that'd be something else.
You still have that
100-mile-an-hour fastball
left in you, Russ.
Yeah, you'll get it back.
Nah, it's gone.
Skip's right. Maybe it's just time.
Rocket, fellas, drinks are on me.
Oh.
Look at that!
I actually won 200 bucks
betting on you guys
losing back-to-back games.
Figured I owed you, so
Hey, enjoy.
Does anybody got any decent work
lined up for the off season?
[CARL] Not yet.
They still got the classified
ads in the newspapers?
I don't think they
still have newspapers.
Vegas odds of us losing our
next five games is 22 to one?
- Hmm.
- [HUNTER] So?
So?
If our so-called fans could make money
off how bad we are,
why can't we?
Isn't players gambling
on games illegal?
It's more than illegal,
Goose. It's sacrilege.
And if anybody even heard
that we were discussing this,
forget the show, we'd
all be banned for life.
Lew, you're a 32-year-old
bush league catcher
with a career batting average of 220.
I hate to break it to you,
but you ain't making the show.
Neither are you.
I know. None of us are.
I mean, we can't beat time.
So what do we do?
Okay, we got five games
between now and my last start, right?
If someone was to bet a parlay
on us losing all five games,
for any dollar they put in,
that someone would get 22 back.
And that someone is us.
- Right?
- Oh, my God.
Thank you, Carl.
Okay, look, we pool together
all the money we could
get our hands on, right?
Life savings, second
mortgages, whatever.
Then we bet on ourselves.
I mean, if we could get, like, 100K,
we're talking, like, two
million in return, huh?
Are we in?
I'm in.
Will you meet me in the air? ♪
Will you love me just a little? ♪
Just enough to show you care ♪
Well, I tried ♪
If I sell the camper,
I can get, like, 15, 20 grand.
- Ha-ha!
- Let's go!
Attaboy.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Cheesemongers lose to the Honeys
12 to 0.
Cheesemongers lose again 11 to one.
On the bright side,
Velvety Canned Cheese
does help to drown the sorrow
of this punishing losing streak.
Mm-mm-mm.
[UMPIRE] Safe!
[ANNOUNCER] Cheesemongers
lose 13 to three.
Mm.
Someone take this away from me,
but just know I'ma put up a fight.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CROWD BOOS]
[ANNOUNCER] Cheesemongers
keep it within 10 runs,
losing 14 to five.
Let's go.
Another Cheesemonger loss
would make for 34 straight,
breaking a minor league
record that stood since 1951.
Russ, as today's starting pitcher,
how are you dealing with the pressure?
Well, I'm just grateful I'm the one
who's taking the mound for us today.
Oh, Russ,
seems like, uh,
I bear nothing but
bad news these days.
Front office promoted
a kid from rookie ball,
Felix Domingo.
And they want him to start.
Skip, this is my last start.
You said I could have
this. What the fuck?
I'm sorry, Russ.
- Hey, Skip. Hi.
- [SKIP] Lew.
I borrowed eight grand
from a guy named, no joke,
Shady "The Kneecapper" McGee.
If this Felix kid is
any good, we're screwed!
[RUSS] Hey, settle down, alright?
Let me see what's what.
Hey. Welcome to the club.
Oh, my God, "Rocket" Russ Waddell!
Oh, my God, man, it's really you.
You know who I am?
Yeah, of course, man.
Actually, when I was a
kid, my brother and I,
we tried buying up
all your rookie cards.
[CHUCKLES] You know,
100-mile-an-hour fastball,
crazy movement.
We thought you were going to
be like the next Roger Clemens.
Yeah. Well, time gets us all.
- What's that?
- Oh, this?
Yeah, it's actually pretty cool.
So it's a barometer.
My curves usually borderline
in most altitudes, right?
But with the lower elevation here,
I feel like I can get
a good break going.
Okay, that's one approach.
Yeah, for sure.
- You want a dip?
- Nope.
Sorry, I
got my own. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
Yeah, anyway, I always like to scout
the ballpark before I pitch.
Wind conditions, field conditions.
There's always something I can use.
You know that.
Honor to meet you,
but I should warm up
if I'm gonna stop this losing streak.
[CHUCKLES]
You're a fuckin' legend.
- I just
- Okay.
- Alright, good luck out there.
- [FELIX] Thank you, man.
- So?
- Well, I don't think he's much,
but still, we can't
leave this to chance.
I say we jump the bastard
right now, go for the elbow.
[RUSS] We don't need
to hurt the kid, okay?
Just get him out of the game.
[PETEY WHISTLES]
Hey, go get 'em, Petey!
That's it.
Hey, don't worry, I got an idea.
I'll see you on the field.
If we're getting $3.1 million
and we're splitting it five ways,
then 5% going to our front man,
how much money does
that leave me exactly?
I hate this type of math, dude.
We'll take care of it
afterwards, alright?
Right now, I just need you
to keep your head in the game
so we can lose it, okay?
Okay?
Let's get asses kicked, huh?
[CHEERY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
I've been noticing a slight
numbness in my right arm,
and I'm wondering if
it's related to all
the Velvety Canned
Cheese I've been eating.
Is anyone else experiencing this?
If so, please come see me
in the announcer booth.
Taking the mound for the
first time with the 'Mongers
is Felix Domingo,
just promoted from rookie ball.
Let's see if he can snap the team
out of its incredibly
dispiriting historic skid.
[CROWD CHEERING]
There you are.
What'd you do?
Scored some acid from one
of the hippie vendor dudes,
spiked the kid's gum.
It should kick in any minute.
You Dock Ellis'd him?
I what?
Dock Ellis, Pittsburgh Pirates, 1970.
He dropped acid 'cause he
thought it was his day off,
but then he had to pitch.
Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
I Dock Ellis'd the shit out of him.
[RUSS] No, you dumb-ass.
Once the LSD kicked in,
his game went to a whole other level.
[SUSPENSEFUL,
MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
He threw a no-hitter.
- [UMPIRE] Strike!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
Oh, shit.
[GROANS]
[SPIRITUAL STRING MUSIC PLAYING]
- Strike!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
[UMPIRE] Strike!
Strike!
Strike! You're out!
♪
I seem to have stopped
seeing the color green?
It's weird.
All the other colors are still present
in my field of vision,
but the grass, for instance,
has taken on a kind of gray pallor.
I have stopped eating the
Velvety Canned Cheese.
But if there is a medical
doctor in attendance
and you'd be open to stopping by,
I don't think that'd
be the worst idea.
Well, folks, we've got ourselves
an old-fashioned pitcher's duel.
Still zero-zero here in the ninth.
Can the unorthodox young Felix Domingo
continue his dominant
debut performance?
Hey, pal.
- Bunt.
- What?
And don't stop running.
Trust me.
I'm going to humble the new kid.
[ANNOUNCER] First pitch
of the ninth underway.
And it's a bunt.
Dundee fields what
should be an easy out
and throws it into the outfield?
Come on, Carl.
[ANNOUNCER] Sandberg trips
and throws the ball into the ground.
Jackson picks up the
ball no, he muffs it.
- Safe!
- [CREELEY] Ah!
Oh, shit!
- Ah.
- Dammit!
[CROWD BOOS]
Shit!
- Damn it!
- Play better!
Yes. Yes. Yes.
It's a solemn scene at
Velvety Canned Cheese Park
as our beloved Cheesemongers are now
officially the biggest losers
in minor league history.
Truly, there is no joy
in Mudville tonight.
["GLORY DAYS" BY BRUCE
SPRINGSTEEN PLAYING]
[PLAYERS] We're the
worst! We're the worst!
We suck! We suck! We suck!
[GROUP CHEERING]
I had a friend was a
big baseball player ♪
Back in high school ♪
He could throw that ♪
You got rid of the spiked gum, right?
Shit.
[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
Come on.
Come on.
Shit.
Shit.
[DOOR OPENS]
Oh. Felix, hey.
I can't find my damn car keys.
Hell of a game, kid.
Sorry about that loss.
Is this what you used?
Used?
You and your buddies,
you tried to spike my gum
to get me out of the game?
What? Why would we do that?
Because you wanted to throw it.
We're like the worst team
in minor league history.
Even if we were going
to throw the game,
how would you even tell?
Because your buddy, Carl,
tried doing a little math in
my notebook between innings
trying to figure out how to split up
$3,136,018
five ways.
You're in it. He
broke down your names.
Goddammit, Carl, shit!
And he got the math wrong. [LAUGHS]
Okay, w-we can make this right.
Wh-what's it going to take?
Out on the mound today,
I-I went to some place,
a place I've only dreamed of,
where-where God's face
speaks from the crystalline waters
and his angels manifest
in monkey form.
What the hell are you
talking about, Felix?
I'm done with baseball.
Yeah, I wanna move to Belize
and find God
and take drugs
after you give me the $3 million
you won on today's game.
Oh, come on, man!
That's our life savings
you're talking about.
Some of these guys got families.
Look, why don't we give you half?
You could go to Belize
and we'll call it a day.
Either you give me
the entire three million
to keep me quiet,
or I bring the evidence to the cops
and you lose it all anyway.
[FELIX LAUGHS]
"Rocket" Russ!
Shit!
You done?
Yeah, yeah, I guess I am.
[FELIX] Smack.
I'll give you instructions
on how to wire me the money tomorrow.
Once it's in my account,
I'll give you the evidence.
Alright? Oh, and Russ,
you were so right.
Time gets us all.
But you had all the
time and the talent
as any of the greats.
You just blew it.
Jesus, man, look at you.
I don't even know how
you live with yourself.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[BALL THUDS]
[MACHINE BEEPS]
Oh, my God.
My fastball, I got it!
I still got
Oh, shit.
Hey.
Hey.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[KEYPAD BEEPING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[BALLS CLATTERING]
[MACHINE CLANKING]
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
[MACHINE WHIRS]
Heyo!
[MACHINE WHIRRING, CREAKING]
A-Ha!
Hmm.
[WHIRRING, CREAKING STOPS]
Hmm.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
[SIGHS]
- [MACHINE BEEPS]
- Alright, uh,
now I'm like emotionally
invested in this shit.
Come on.
[GOOD BUDDY] [ON RADIO]
Yeah, I still don't get it.
What's your job?
I wanna say, uh,
administrative assistant or something.
Error 10, category network error.
Yeah, I already knew that.
[GOOD BUDDY] And why does that appeal?
Well, I told you that I binge watched
"The Office" last month, right?
[GOOD BUDDY] Oh, no.
The road was getting
lonely and I figured,
ah, community,
same people every day,
entertaining dynamics.
I should try office life.
- Dumb, right?
- [GOOD BUDDY] Ah, I get it.
Sometimes we need an
inspirational smack.
Hmm. So I guess this company,
they, they all started
working remotely
during COVID and they never came back,
and they need, uh, one
person in the office
so it's not technically vacant,
you know, for insurance purposes.
This was a dumb idea. I should quit.
[GOOD BUDDY] My experience,
it's the smack after the smack
that you gotta watch for.
Hmm.
I'm not fully sure
what that means, man.
I
A-ha!
[BUTTONS BEEP]
[MACHINE WHIRS]
[MACHINE POWERS DOWN]
[SIGHS]
- [MACHINE WHIRS]
- [CHARLIE] Ha!
Smack.
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [CHARLIE THUDS]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
This is yours, I think, right?
Thank you.
I just have to ask,
what is your general philosophy
regarding litigation and such?
Look, uh, [CHUCKLES]
looking around, I can
see this isn't really,
you know, the major leagues.
And anyway, by nature,
I gotta say I'm a lover, not a suer.
I'm so glad. I have
to tell you something.
We are barely keeping
the lights on as it is.
I think this team is very
important to this town.
Gives us a sense of
community, you know?
It's a place for people
to come every day,
same people but interesting dynamics.
No shit.
- Second smack, wow.
- [LUCILLE CHUCKLES]
Okay, uh, crazy question.
- Hey! [LAUGHS]
- [LUCILLE] You were born
to wear that uniform!
- Yeah?
- [LUCILLE] Yes!
Okay, so, uh, how does this work?
Oh, hey, batter, batter, batter,
batter, batter, batter,
batter, batter, batter.
No, don't do that.
Come here, walk with me.
As a ball girl, what
you're going to do, honey,
is you're going to field foul balls,
and you're going to
interact with the fans,
which can really be fun.
And then before the game,
you just pitch in
wherever you're needed,
operating the pitching
machine, shagging balls.
- Do explain that one.
- Simple.
You just pick up the loose baseballs
during batting practice.
- Okay. I can do it.
- [LUCILLE] Yeah.
- Okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to introduce you
to the oldest member of our family.
His name is Rambo.
And I should have
retired him years ago,
but I don't have the
funds to get a new one.
I'll show you how it works.
You flip this switch.
[MACHINE RATTLING]
Oh, I should tell you,
you gotta be real careful
because every couple balls,
he just starts shooting wild
and he could hit anything in sight.
- Uh, you see?
- Yeah.
Wow. Uh, so what do you
do when that happens?
Just, look, smack! Ah!
[CHEERY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
[FAN] If you could sign my cheese?
[CHARLIE] Uh, hey.
Who's Mr. Baseball over there?
"Rocket" Russ Waddell,
greatest athlete this
town's ever produced,
former first round draft
pick and top prospect,
one of only three Montgomery citizens
to get their own Wikipedia entry.
I'll bite. Who are the other two?
[BENNY] Hiram Lubinski, the inventor
of Velvety Canned Cheese
Substitute Spread,
and my cousin Jamie, who
co-founded WikiKnees.
I mingle with royalty.
- [BENNY CHUCKLES]
- So, uh
what is mister hotshot Rocket
doing here in the minors?
Russ lost his fastball
a few years ago.
No one knows why.
Injury, bad luck, family curse.
It was a classic case of
the yips and you know it.
- Ugh.
- I'm sorry, yips?
Russ got in his own head
and messed with his whole approach.
We tried every cure
in the book to fix it.
Body waxing, ritual
tugging, slutty Babe Ruth.
None of it worked.
But I got a feeling
that today's going to be the day.
Finally going to get
the old Rocket back.
[CROWD CHEERS]
- [BALL CLANGS]
- [CROWD] Oh!
[BENNY] Shake it off, Rocket!
You still got it!
Oh, sadly bullshit.
Another pitcher, Frank.
Hi. Uh
Oh, I'm Charlie, the new ball girl.
Don't think we've met.
I'm Russ, the washed-up old timer.
Oh, come on.
Hey, sorry about the, uh, the game.
It's a tough loss.
You think I'd get used to it by now.
Hey, it's just a game.
Shake it off, right?
That sounded off.
You're going to tell me
it's not just a game, right?
No, you're right, it's just a game,
but it's the only thing
I've ever had a gift for.
And when you're given a gift
in life, even a strange one
like throwing a little ball
swiftly past a man with a stick,
when you get a taste
of puttin' it to use
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Been years since I even touched 90,
let alone triple digits.
Actually, as somebody with, uh,
well, strange gifts myself, I relate.
But isn't there something you can do,
like a robo arm, surgery or something?
Physically speaking, I'm fine.
It's all in my damn head.
At least I don't have to
worry about that anymore.
Oh, yeah? Why is that?
Skip said I got one more start.
I'm done.
No shit.
Rocket, here's, uh, to
going out with a bang, huh?
It's Russ, please. And thanks.
- Until we meet again.
- Okay, until we meet again.
Cheers cheers.
- Oh, so that's it, huh?
- Yep.
They're giving me one more start,
then off to the pasture.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Oh.
Deputy ball girl, that's you!
[ANNOUNCER] We've got ourselves
an old-fashioned pitcher's duel.
Go, go!
[ANNOUNCER] Can the unorthodox
young Felix Domingo continue
Ah, look it, she's
running, she's running!
Bang-up job, deputy.
[BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]
Ah.
Charlie Cale, I do
believe you found yourself
a rewarding career.
[CHUCKLES] I'll do it.
[CHARLIE GROANS]
Oh.
Hey, hey.
Hey, that was a heck of a first game.
I, uh, like your style, kid.
Did you know that God is a verb?
I did not know that.
Oh
How about some water or something?
God. [CHUCKLES]
God isn't God.
No, you know, like, not,
not like the way that we were taught.
See, God is the music of the spheres,
the symphonic echo of radical love
between all living things.
[CHARLIE] Oh, boy. Hey,
uh, would you mind?
Hmm.
Oh. [SNAPS FINGERS]
You know what I should
do is get your autograph
'cause the way you were
throwing out there today,
oh, boy, yeah, you're
headed for the big leagues.
[CHUCKLES] I'm quitting the game.
- Huh?
- [FELIX CHUCKLES]
Because none of this matters.
You know, like who wins,
who loses, you see, God
and the monkeys matter.
Hmm.
I really think you should
drink some of that.
Huh?
Hey, you have a retirement fund
or a side hustle, crypto
trading or something?
Well, money, eh.
[CHARLIE] Don't overthink it.
When inspiration smacks, listen.
Yeah. Smack. Inspiration.
Although they do say
that it's actually
the, uh, the second smack
that gets you, so
[FELIX CHUCKLES]
What's that mean?
I have no idea but, uh, hydrate.
Thank you, ball girl,
for sharing your wisdom.
Yes, of course, anytime.
And, uh, well, good luck coming down
off whatever you're coming down from.
On?
No, I don't take anything.
Me neither officer.
Okay, Godspeed.
Godspeed.
Godspeed.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[CART RATTLING]
[VOICE] [MUFFLED] Yum.
Yum.
Yum
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Yum.
Yum.
Yum!
[LOUDER] Yum.
Yum.
Yum. Yum. Yum
Yum.
- Yum.
- [CHARLIE LAUGHS]
Yum.
Ah, I don't think so.
- [MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Yum, yum, yum!
[SOCK CONTINUES, MUFFLED]
♪
[CREATURE JABBERING]
- [THUD]
- Ah!
[MAN] Charlie Cale
[DISTORTED] Charlie Cale
[ECHOING] the wanderer
It's up to you to save this ballpark,
to save this team.
It is?
Why?
Because baseball
is not just a game.
It is the secret of the spheres.
[WHOOSHING]
Are you
God?
I
am Hiram Lubinski,
the inventor of Velvety Canned
Cheese Substitute Spread,
now available in jalapeño
and spicy seafood flavors.
Oh, I get it.
Ah, the mascot is you.
I'm the founder of this ballpark
as well as its spiritual guardian.
Cool.
[HIRAM] Baseball is
not just a pastime.
It is the passing of time itself.
Tell me, wanderer,
is it any coincidence
that the goal of every hitter
is to return safely to home?
Huh.
Wow.
This ballpark is home.
Without it, the people of
Montgomery would be lost
and my granddaughter, Lucille
would be bereft
with no community,
without any sense of belonging.
Do you know what that
is like, Charlie?
Yes.
Yes, I I, I do.
- [HIRAM] Then help us.
- Okay.
Protect this ballpark
and save this team!
But from what?
Mm, from who?
Come home, wanderer.
Every soul seeks to be safe
at home.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS, STOPS]
[CHARLIE GROANS]
Oh, Charlie?
Wow, my kingdom for some electrolytes.
[LUCILLE] Charlie, Charlie!
What in the world happened last night?
[MACHINE POWERS DOWN]
[CHARLIE] Oh, my God, what happened?
Uh, the new guy stayed late last night
to take some extra BP.
He tried using Rambo.
He got hit in the back of
the head with a fastball.
Uh, I knew I should have
had that machine replaced.
I knew that.
I found him this morning.
So Rambo
killed Felix?
Well, it looks that way.
Lucille, I hate to bring it up, but
- What?
- You could be looking
at a wrongful death lawsuit.
- A big one.
- [LUCILLE] Well, that'll be it.
We'd have to shut down the
park, then move the team.
It's the only family I got left.
Oh, no, we're not going
to let that happen.
Uh, everybody knew the
machine was faulty.
It is my fault.
Hey, so, hypothetically speaking,
if, uh, Felix, we know
he was a good kid,
but if Felix here was, uh, high
while he was using the equipment,
would that alleviate
some of this liability?
- Well, I guess it
- [BENNY] Yeah.
it would. Why?
Well, I, uh, I think
his gum was laced.
Well, if he was on drugs,
it's easy enough to check.
It is?
Yeah, a simple reagent test.
Oh.
Retired cop.
Okay. Uh, well, hmm.
Okay, terrific.
Negative, no sign of drugs.
Wait, what?
Oh, gosh, man. I know
I was tripping so hard.
And we all saw Felix on that mound.
He was like a guy at a
Phish concert at the Sphere.
I mean, come on, he was tripping.
- Geez.
- Honey.
[CHARLIE] What?
[LUCILLE] Appreciate your concern,
but the last thing I wanna do
is sully this kid's reputation.
I've done enough damage already.
Lucille, this is not on you.
We're going to figure this out, okay?
I talked to Felix. He
told me he was straight.
He wasn't lying. Something is amiss.
We'll have more on Felix Domingo
as the story develops.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Skip.
Hell of a start to the day.
[TV SHUTS OFF]
You need something?
Yeah, I do, I sure do.
So Felix in last night's game,
uh, just a gut check,
he look alright to you?
He looked great.
He was higher than a fly
on Willie Nelson's wall.
- Yeah.
- But whatever it takes.
I mean, I don't judge.
I mean, I'm working on not judging.
Something I'm working on.
[DEB LUX] [ON TV] It's
not all sad news today.
Some lucky citizen has won $3 million
betting on last night's
historic Cheesemonger loss.
A five-game parlay at 22-to-one odds
- was cashed in at a
- Jesus.
Sad, isn't it?
Used to be fans actually rooted
for the home team.
Win or lose, we were
all in it together.
Now it's all about the odds
and working the angles.
Getting rich by expecting the worst.
[CHARLIE] Beep beep.
Huh.
Uh, hiya, Carl.
Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [CHARLIE] Uh,
do you know if anyone had a,
uh, a grudge against Felix?
'Cause, uh, I think
someone spiked his gum.
Why would anybody have it out
for the new guy? [CHUCKLES]
Oh, wow!
Super cool! Is that a
That's a no grill,
huh? Is it solid gold?
My aunt died and left me
a real big inheritance.
Yeah, bullshit.
I won it playing trivia
down at the, uh, pub.
Obvious bullshit. I
mean, I don't even need
my special thing for that one.
- Whoa.
- What are you bothering me for?
I'm just a ball player,
a regular minor league ball player.
Yeah, yeah, no.
I, uh, I know you are.
Nobody wanted the kid
to get hurt, alright?
[CLICKS TONGUE] Right, obviously.
Yeah, no, obviously
not. It's just, uh
y-you did, right?
You-you spiked his gum.
Just to get him out the game though,
and then he went and
fucked around with Rambo.
And the whole thing
was a freak accident.
I mean, I-I feel bad about it, really.
I believe you, I do.
I-I just, um, I'm trying
to square, you know
I mean, here's Felix,
he's throwing a no hitter.
Why would you want him out the game?
Strip club after the game, fellas!
- [GROUP] Hell yeah!
- Drinks on your boy!
What's good, ball girl?
I see.
They spiked the gum that killed Felix
so that they could, uh, lose
the game and win the bet.
It's not like we're talking
criminal masterminds here.
All they gotta do is check
these guys' bank accounts.
Yeah, but you need a search warrant
to check a bank account.
Right now, there isn't
enough evidence to get one.
I-I-I don't understand.
They're just going to
let the ballpark close?
That doesn't seem right.
I mean, what about an autopsy?
There's gotta be some
kind of, uh, evidence
what kind of drug it was that
they put inside Felix's gum, no?
Well, I asked my old partner to
send me a copy of the report.
It should be getting here any minute.
- Hmm.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
Okay, here's the autopsy report.
Let's see.
Uh, yep, death by blunt force trauma.
Let's see, did they
even do a tox report?
Hey, uh, could I take a look at that?
Oh, sure, be my guest.
Oh, thanks.
I wanna save that
ballpark too, you know?
My old man used to take
me there every weekend.
There's nothing better
than a Sunday double header
with your pops. [CHUCKLES]
Well, I don't even really
know what I'm looking at here,
but I think it says here
that the ball was going
over a hundred miles an hour.
What's that?
The ball that killed Felix,
according to this coroner's report,
it looks like the skull fracture
was caused by a ball
that was over a hundred miles an hour.
Wow.
I didn't think Rambo had
that kind of speed in him.
Yeah, no shit, Benny. No shit.
[MACHINE RATTLING]
Ah, shise.
Come on, Rambo, you Cold War relic.
You can do better than that.
Concentrate, concentrate!
Let 'er rip!
- [RUSS] Hey.
- Oh!
Benny said you wanted to talk.
Yeah, hi, Russ.
Quick question.
Is there anyone on either team
that can throw over a hundred?
Nah, anyone throws that fast,
they're not doing it here.
That's a ticket to the show.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Why you wanna know?
It's just the coroner, you know,
he had mentioned that the fastball
that killed Felix, uh,
well, it was going over
a hundred at least.
And, uh, well, we all know
that Rambo here can't do that,
and, and you can't either, so
Thanks a lot.
No, I'm sorry, I didn't
mean it like that.
It's just, you know, the other day
you had said that you
lost your fastball
and you hadn't been able to
throw over 90 for years now.
So, uh, you weren't lying.
I don't know. I mean,
all things considered,
I figured you were the guy to ask.
Uh, thinking to myself,
I mean, what am I
overlooking, you know?
Look, I gotta go home and
get some shuteye, alright?
I'm pitching my last game tomorrow.
Hey, how about after the game,
I buy you a round,
celebrate your victory, huh?
I'd like that.
I'm not counting on
it, but I'd like it.
Never say die.
This is the end of the road for me.
Like you said, my fastball's gone
and it's not comin' back.
Bullshit.
I wish it was, Charlie.
I wish it was.
[CHUCKLES]
- [CROWD CHEERS]
- [CHEERY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
I don't have to remind any of you
that this is Russ's last game.
It's probably our team's
last game in this great park.
So let's go out there and
stop this losing streak!
- [TEAM CLAPS]
- [PLAYER] Yeah, yeah.
[SKIP] Let's win for Russ.
Yeah! Let's fucking go, Rocket!
For Felix.
- For the Lubinski family.
- [PLAYER] Yeah, that's right!
And for these fans
who have suffered with us
for all these goddamn years.
- Yeah, right!
- Yeah!
[SKIP] And while we're at it,
let's win one for
good old-fashioned monogamy.
Whoo!
Yeah!
- [EXHALES]
- [CHARLIE] Hey, so what was it?
- What was what?
- Well, you know,
what cleared your head
and got you that, uh,
your fastball back?
[RUSS] What?
Well, uh, the other night
at the pub, you know,
you said that you lost your
fastball and it was the truth.
But then last night, you said
the same thing, and it was a lie.
So sometime in between,
something happened
that fixed that mental block
and got you your fastball back.
- What was it?
- [RUSS CHUCKLES]
Charlie, no offense,
but you sound batshit crazy right now.
Well, cards on the table,
I know that you guys
have been throwing
these last few games, and I also know
that you spiked Felix's gum.
Your buddy Carl admitted it.
Jesus, Carl.
Gotta say I didn't
think you were involved.
Nah, 'cause, you know, you didn't play
during those last five
losses that scored you
the big payout, and
also 'cause I liked you.
But then, then I put it together.
You were supposed to start
that last game, not Felix.
That's why the guys were
trying to get him out
and get you in.
Alright, fine.
We threw those last
few games. So what?
Have you seen our record?
We were going to lose anyway.
Gosh, cashing in on your own failure.
That's where you ended up.
So you're born with this
one-in-a-million gift.
And then, what?
You throw it all away like
a total fucking loser.
[BALL CLINKS]
Aha.
I see.
So that's what Felix told you
the night you murdered him,
and that's what got you
your 100-mile-per-hour fastball back.
Hearing the truth.
I'm about to go prove
in front of a stadium full of people
that I'm all washed up with
nothing left in this arm,
so you got nothing, ball girl.
Why don't you go sit
your nosy ass down
and enjoy our final loss?
Yeah.
Oh, uh, before I forget,
there's this, uh,
a big league scout in the stands.
[LAUGHS] Bullshit. Pathetic.
Alright, alright alright
Why would a scout be at
a Cheesemongers game?
Skip said something
about an open roster slot
and needing some bullpen heat
there in the show,
whatever that means.
Anyway, I probably shouldn't
have said anything.
I don't wanna get in your head.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[ANNOUNCER] [ON LOUDSPEAKER]:
Your starting pitcher
[VOICE ECHOING]
[ANNOUNCER] For the very last time
our hometown hero
[CROWD CHEERING]
"Rocket" Russ Waddell!
[ORGAN PLAYING CHEERY TUNE]
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
[ANNOUNCER] "Rocket"
Russ Waddell readies
for his first pitch.
The entire ballpark is on
the edge of their seats
hoping for one more flash
of that classic Rocket heat.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, batter, batter, batter,
batter, batter, batter, batter!
[CROWD CHEERS]
[CHARLIE] Alright,
everybody up, let's go!
- Rocket!
- [CROWD] Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
[CROWD FADES] Rocket! Rocket!
♪
- [BALL THWACKS]
- Strike!
Oh!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Go, go, go, go!
Yeah!
I want all exits guarded.
Ball girl was right.
Our suspect is "Rocket"
Russell Waddell.
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
♪
Show 'em what you got, kid.
[CROWD] Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
["Glory Days" resumes]
Yeah ♪
- Come on ♪
- [BALL THWACKS]
sync & corrections awaqeded
I had a friend was a
big baseball player ♪
Back in high school ♪
He could throw that
speedball by you ♪
Make you look like a fool, boy ♪
Saw him the other night
at this roadside bar ♪
I was walking in,
he was walking out ♪
We went back inside, sat
down, had a few drinks ♪
But all he kept talking about was ♪
Glory days ♪
Well, they'll pass
you by, glory days ♪
In the wink of a young
girl's eye, glory days ♪
Glory days ♪
Alright ♪
Well, there's a girl that
lives up the block ♪
["BOULEVARD" BY
JACKSON BROWNE PLAYING]
Down on the boulevard
they take it hard ♪
[ANNOUNCER] [ON LOUDSPEAKER]
It's a beautiful day
here at Velvety Canned Cheese Park.
Velvety Canned Cheese:
making your cheese a breeze.
Good morning, everybody.
Get you some canned cheese.
That hat is too great.
I love it, you girls.
[CROWD CHEERING]
But if you choose to stay ♪
You end up playing anyway ♪
[ANNOUNCER] And here
come our boys now.
Ladies and gentlemen, your
Montgomery Cheesemongers!
And on the mound, Montgomery's
own hometown hero,
"Rocket" Russ Waddell!
And you know the kid's in shock ♪
Up and down the block ♪
Get 'em, Rocket! Mow 'em down!
These rat bastards can't
handle the heat, Russ!
Blast off!
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CROWD GROANING]
[CROWD] Oh!
[SPECTATOR] Come on!
Shake it off, Rocket!
You still got it!
Just warming up,
Russ, just warming up!
[CROWD CHEERING]
- [SPECTATOR] Ah, shit.
- [CHEERING DIES DOWN]
[CROWD BOOS]
[CROWD JEERING]
[PLAYER] It's a fucking embarrassment.
[PLAYER 2] I never even
seen nothin' like it, man.
Never gonna win again.
Never getting laid again.
Twenty-nine straight losses!
Twenty-nine!
We're like the goddamn Bad News Bears!
Actually, the Bad News Bears
had one good pitcher
and one good hitter.
So unless Tatum O'Neal walks
through that door, we're worse.
Russ.
Russ?
Are we drinking?
Right behind you.
Hey.
- Brought you some soup.
- Oh.
- Thank you, Lucille.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I just wanted you to know that
you will always have a home here
at Velvety Canned Cheese Park.
You're part of the
family no matter what.
Thanks.
And with Sal retiring next season,
we're going to need a
new head groundskeeper.
Oh, dang. Oh, did Skip not
- Oh.
- [SKIP] Uh
I was just, um,
working up the nerve to tell you.
GM called.
Organization's going to let you go.
That's it?
I'm done?
Russ, I'm sorry.
It's just time.
Well, I tried to make it Sunday ♪
But I got so damn depressed ♪
That I set my sights ♪
Oh, so that's it, huh?
Yep. They're giving me one more start,
then off to the pasture.
Goddamn.
It's not fair, Rocket.
It's too damn fair.
That's what hurts.
If I still had my heat,
that'd be something else.
You still have that
100-mile-an-hour fastball
left in you, Russ.
Yeah, you'll get it back.
Nah, it's gone.
Skip's right. Maybe it's just time.
Rocket, fellas, drinks are on me.
Oh.
Look at that!
I actually won 200 bucks
betting on you guys
losing back-to-back games.
Figured I owed you, so
Hey, enjoy.
Does anybody got any decent work
lined up for the off season?
[CARL] Not yet.
They still got the classified
ads in the newspapers?
I don't think they
still have newspapers.
Vegas odds of us losing our
next five games is 22 to one?
- Hmm.
- [HUNTER] So?
So?
If our so-called fans could make money
off how bad we are,
why can't we?
Isn't players gambling
on games illegal?
It's more than illegal,
Goose. It's sacrilege.
And if anybody even heard
that we were discussing this,
forget the show, we'd
all be banned for life.
Lew, you're a 32-year-old
bush league catcher
with a career batting average of 220.
I hate to break it to you,
but you ain't making the show.
Neither are you.
I know. None of us are.
I mean, we can't beat time.
So what do we do?
Okay, we got five games
between now and my last start, right?
If someone was to bet a parlay
on us losing all five games,
for any dollar they put in,
that someone would get 22 back.
And that someone is us.
- Right?
- Oh, my God.
Thank you, Carl.
Okay, look, we pool together
all the money we could
get our hands on, right?
Life savings, second
mortgages, whatever.
Then we bet on ourselves.
I mean, if we could get, like, 100K,
we're talking, like, two
million in return, huh?
Are we in?
I'm in.
Will you meet me in the air? ♪
Will you love me just a little? ♪
Just enough to show you care ♪
Well, I tried ♪
If I sell the camper,
I can get, like, 15, 20 grand.
- Ha-ha!
- Let's go!
Attaboy.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Cheesemongers lose to the Honeys
12 to 0.
Cheesemongers lose again 11 to one.
On the bright side,
Velvety Canned Cheese
does help to drown the sorrow
of this punishing losing streak.
Mm-mm-mm.
[UMPIRE] Safe!
[ANNOUNCER] Cheesemongers
lose 13 to three.
Mm.
Someone take this away from me,
but just know I'ma put up a fight.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CROWD BOOS]
[ANNOUNCER] Cheesemongers
keep it within 10 runs,
losing 14 to five.
Let's go.
Another Cheesemonger loss
would make for 34 straight,
breaking a minor league
record that stood since 1951.
Russ, as today's starting pitcher,
how are you dealing with the pressure?
Well, I'm just grateful I'm the one
who's taking the mound for us today.
Oh, Russ,
seems like, uh,
I bear nothing but
bad news these days.
Front office promoted
a kid from rookie ball,
Felix Domingo.
And they want him to start.
Skip, this is my last start.
You said I could have
this. What the fuck?
I'm sorry, Russ.
- Hey, Skip. Hi.
- [SKIP] Lew.
I borrowed eight grand
from a guy named, no joke,
Shady "The Kneecapper" McGee.
If this Felix kid is
any good, we're screwed!
[RUSS] Hey, settle down, alright?
Let me see what's what.
Hey. Welcome to the club.
Oh, my God, "Rocket" Russ Waddell!
Oh, my God, man, it's really you.
You know who I am?
Yeah, of course, man.
Actually, when I was a
kid, my brother and I,
we tried buying up
all your rookie cards.
[CHUCKLES] You know,
100-mile-an-hour fastball,
crazy movement.
We thought you were going to
be like the next Roger Clemens.
Yeah. Well, time gets us all.
- What's that?
- Oh, this?
Yeah, it's actually pretty cool.
So it's a barometer.
My curves usually borderline
in most altitudes, right?
But with the lower elevation here,
I feel like I can get
a good break going.
Okay, that's one approach.
Yeah, for sure.
- You want a dip?
- Nope.
Sorry, I
got my own. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
Yeah, anyway, I always like to scout
the ballpark before I pitch.
Wind conditions, field conditions.
There's always something I can use.
You know that.
Honor to meet you,
but I should warm up
if I'm gonna stop this losing streak.
[CHUCKLES]
You're a fuckin' legend.
- I just
- Okay.
- Alright, good luck out there.
- [FELIX] Thank you, man.
- So?
- Well, I don't think he's much,
but still, we can't
leave this to chance.
I say we jump the bastard
right now, go for the elbow.
[RUSS] We don't need
to hurt the kid, okay?
Just get him out of the game.
[PETEY WHISTLES]
Hey, go get 'em, Petey!
That's it.
Hey, don't worry, I got an idea.
I'll see you on the field.
If we're getting $3.1 million
and we're splitting it five ways,
then 5% going to our front man,
how much money does
that leave me exactly?
I hate this type of math, dude.
We'll take care of it
afterwards, alright?
Right now, I just need you
to keep your head in the game
so we can lose it, okay?
Okay?
Let's get asses kicked, huh?
[CHEERY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
I've been noticing a slight
numbness in my right arm,
and I'm wondering if
it's related to all
the Velvety Canned
Cheese I've been eating.
Is anyone else experiencing this?
If so, please come see me
in the announcer booth.
Taking the mound for the
first time with the 'Mongers
is Felix Domingo,
just promoted from rookie ball.
Let's see if he can snap the team
out of its incredibly
dispiriting historic skid.
[CROWD CHEERING]
There you are.
What'd you do?
Scored some acid from one
of the hippie vendor dudes,
spiked the kid's gum.
It should kick in any minute.
You Dock Ellis'd him?
I what?
Dock Ellis, Pittsburgh Pirates, 1970.
He dropped acid 'cause he
thought it was his day off,
but then he had to pitch.
Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
I Dock Ellis'd the shit out of him.
[RUSS] No, you dumb-ass.
Once the LSD kicked in,
his game went to a whole other level.
[SUSPENSEFUL,
MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
He threw a no-hitter.
- [UMPIRE] Strike!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
Oh, shit.
[GROANS]
[SPIRITUAL STRING MUSIC PLAYING]
- Strike!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
[UMPIRE] Strike!
Strike!
Strike! You're out!
♪
I seem to have stopped
seeing the color green?
It's weird.
All the other colors are still present
in my field of vision,
but the grass, for instance,
has taken on a kind of gray pallor.
I have stopped eating the
Velvety Canned Cheese.
But if there is a medical
doctor in attendance
and you'd be open to stopping by,
I don't think that'd
be the worst idea.
Well, folks, we've got ourselves
an old-fashioned pitcher's duel.
Still zero-zero here in the ninth.
Can the unorthodox young Felix Domingo
continue his dominant
debut performance?
Hey, pal.
- Bunt.
- What?
And don't stop running.
Trust me.
I'm going to humble the new kid.
[ANNOUNCER] First pitch
of the ninth underway.
And it's a bunt.
Dundee fields what
should be an easy out
and throws it into the outfield?
Come on, Carl.
[ANNOUNCER] Sandberg trips
and throws the ball into the ground.
Jackson picks up the
ball no, he muffs it.
- Safe!
- [CREELEY] Ah!
Oh, shit!
- Ah.
- Dammit!
[CROWD BOOS]
Shit!
- Damn it!
- Play better!
Yes. Yes. Yes.
It's a solemn scene at
Velvety Canned Cheese Park
as our beloved Cheesemongers are now
officially the biggest losers
in minor league history.
Truly, there is no joy
in Mudville tonight.
["GLORY DAYS" BY BRUCE
SPRINGSTEEN PLAYING]
[PLAYERS] We're the
worst! We're the worst!
We suck! We suck! We suck!
[GROUP CHEERING]
I had a friend was a
big baseball player ♪
Back in high school ♪
He could throw that ♪
You got rid of the spiked gum, right?
Shit.
[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
Come on.
Come on.
Shit.
Shit.
[DOOR OPENS]
Oh. Felix, hey.
I can't find my damn car keys.
Hell of a game, kid.
Sorry about that loss.
Is this what you used?
Used?
You and your buddies,
you tried to spike my gum
to get me out of the game?
What? Why would we do that?
Because you wanted to throw it.
We're like the worst team
in minor league history.
Even if we were going
to throw the game,
how would you even tell?
Because your buddy, Carl,
tried doing a little math in
my notebook between innings
trying to figure out how to split up
$3,136,018
five ways.
You're in it. He
broke down your names.
Goddammit, Carl, shit!
And he got the math wrong. [LAUGHS]
Okay, w-we can make this right.
Wh-what's it going to take?
Out on the mound today,
I-I went to some place,
a place I've only dreamed of,
where-where God's face
speaks from the crystalline waters
and his angels manifest
in monkey form.
What the hell are you
talking about, Felix?
I'm done with baseball.
Yeah, I wanna move to Belize
and find God
and take drugs
after you give me the $3 million
you won on today's game.
Oh, come on, man!
That's our life savings
you're talking about.
Some of these guys got families.
Look, why don't we give you half?
You could go to Belize
and we'll call it a day.
Either you give me
the entire three million
to keep me quiet,
or I bring the evidence to the cops
and you lose it all anyway.
[FELIX LAUGHS]
"Rocket" Russ!
Shit!
You done?
Yeah, yeah, I guess I am.
[FELIX] Smack.
I'll give you instructions
on how to wire me the money tomorrow.
Once it's in my account,
I'll give you the evidence.
Alright? Oh, and Russ,
you were so right.
Time gets us all.
But you had all the
time and the talent
as any of the greats.
You just blew it.
Jesus, man, look at you.
I don't even know how
you live with yourself.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[BALL THUDS]
[MACHINE BEEPS]
Oh, my God.
My fastball, I got it!
I still got
Oh, shit.
Hey.
Hey.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[KEYPAD BEEPING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[BALLS CLATTERING]
[MACHINE CLANKING]
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
[MACHINE WHIRS]
Heyo!
[MACHINE WHIRRING, CREAKING]
A-Ha!
Hmm.
[WHIRRING, CREAKING STOPS]
Hmm.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
[SIGHS]
- [MACHINE BEEPS]
- Alright, uh,
now I'm like emotionally
invested in this shit.
Come on.
[GOOD BUDDY] [ON RADIO]
Yeah, I still don't get it.
What's your job?
I wanna say, uh,
administrative assistant or something.
Error 10, category network error.
Yeah, I already knew that.
[GOOD BUDDY] And why does that appeal?
Well, I told you that I binge watched
"The Office" last month, right?
[GOOD BUDDY] Oh, no.
The road was getting
lonely and I figured,
ah, community,
same people every day,
entertaining dynamics.
I should try office life.
- Dumb, right?
- [GOOD BUDDY] Ah, I get it.
Sometimes we need an
inspirational smack.
Hmm. So I guess this company,
they, they all started
working remotely
during COVID and they never came back,
and they need, uh, one
person in the office
so it's not technically vacant,
you know, for insurance purposes.
This was a dumb idea. I should quit.
[GOOD BUDDY] My experience,
it's the smack after the smack
that you gotta watch for.
Hmm.
I'm not fully sure
what that means, man.
I
A-ha!
[BUTTONS BEEP]
[MACHINE WHIRS]
[MACHINE POWERS DOWN]
[SIGHS]
- [MACHINE WHIRS]
- [CHARLIE] Ha!
Smack.
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [CHARLIE THUDS]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
This is yours, I think, right?
Thank you.
I just have to ask,
what is your general philosophy
regarding litigation and such?
Look, uh, [CHUCKLES]
looking around, I can
see this isn't really,
you know, the major leagues.
And anyway, by nature,
I gotta say I'm a lover, not a suer.
I'm so glad. I have
to tell you something.
We are barely keeping
the lights on as it is.
I think this team is very
important to this town.
Gives us a sense of
community, you know?
It's a place for people
to come every day,
same people but interesting dynamics.
No shit.
- Second smack, wow.
- [LUCILLE CHUCKLES]
Okay, uh, crazy question.
- Hey! [LAUGHS]
- [LUCILLE] You were born
to wear that uniform!
- Yeah?
- [LUCILLE] Yes!
Okay, so, uh, how does this work?
Oh, hey, batter, batter, batter,
batter, batter, batter,
batter, batter, batter.
No, don't do that.
Come here, walk with me.
As a ball girl, what
you're going to do, honey,
is you're going to field foul balls,
and you're going to
interact with the fans,
which can really be fun.
And then before the game,
you just pitch in
wherever you're needed,
operating the pitching
machine, shagging balls.
- Do explain that one.
- Simple.
You just pick up the loose baseballs
during batting practice.
- Okay. I can do it.
- [LUCILLE] Yeah.
- Okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to introduce you
to the oldest member of our family.
His name is Rambo.
And I should have
retired him years ago,
but I don't have the
funds to get a new one.
I'll show you how it works.
You flip this switch.
[MACHINE RATTLING]
Oh, I should tell you,
you gotta be real careful
because every couple balls,
he just starts shooting wild
and he could hit anything in sight.
- Uh, you see?
- Yeah.
Wow. Uh, so what do you
do when that happens?
Just, look, smack! Ah!
[CHEERY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
[FAN] If you could sign my cheese?
[CHARLIE] Uh, hey.
Who's Mr. Baseball over there?
"Rocket" Russ Waddell,
greatest athlete this
town's ever produced,
former first round draft
pick and top prospect,
one of only three Montgomery citizens
to get their own Wikipedia entry.
I'll bite. Who are the other two?
[BENNY] Hiram Lubinski, the inventor
of Velvety Canned Cheese
Substitute Spread,
and my cousin Jamie, who
co-founded WikiKnees.
I mingle with royalty.
- [BENNY CHUCKLES]
- So, uh
what is mister hotshot Rocket
doing here in the minors?
Russ lost his fastball
a few years ago.
No one knows why.
Injury, bad luck, family curse.
It was a classic case of
the yips and you know it.
- Ugh.
- I'm sorry, yips?
Russ got in his own head
and messed with his whole approach.
We tried every cure
in the book to fix it.
Body waxing, ritual
tugging, slutty Babe Ruth.
None of it worked.
But I got a feeling
that today's going to be the day.
Finally going to get
the old Rocket back.
[CROWD CHEERS]
- [BALL CLANGS]
- [CROWD] Oh!
[BENNY] Shake it off, Rocket!
You still got it!
Oh, sadly bullshit.
Another pitcher, Frank.
Hi. Uh
Oh, I'm Charlie, the new ball girl.
Don't think we've met.
I'm Russ, the washed-up old timer.
Oh, come on.
Hey, sorry about the, uh, the game.
It's a tough loss.
You think I'd get used to it by now.
Hey, it's just a game.
Shake it off, right?
That sounded off.
You're going to tell me
it's not just a game, right?
No, you're right, it's just a game,
but it's the only thing
I've ever had a gift for.
And when you're given a gift
in life, even a strange one
like throwing a little ball
swiftly past a man with a stick,
when you get a taste
of puttin' it to use
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Been years since I even touched 90,
let alone triple digits.
Actually, as somebody with, uh,
well, strange gifts myself, I relate.
But isn't there something you can do,
like a robo arm, surgery or something?
Physically speaking, I'm fine.
It's all in my damn head.
At least I don't have to
worry about that anymore.
Oh, yeah? Why is that?
Skip said I got one more start.
I'm done.
No shit.
Rocket, here's, uh, to
going out with a bang, huh?
It's Russ, please. And thanks.
- Until we meet again.
- Okay, until we meet again.
Cheers cheers.
- Oh, so that's it, huh?
- Yep.
They're giving me one more start,
then off to the pasture.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Oh.
Deputy ball girl, that's you!
[ANNOUNCER] We've got ourselves
an old-fashioned pitcher's duel.
Go, go!
[ANNOUNCER] Can the unorthodox
young Felix Domingo continue
Ah, look it, she's
running, she's running!
Bang-up job, deputy.
[BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]
Ah.
Charlie Cale, I do
believe you found yourself
a rewarding career.
[CHUCKLES] I'll do it.
[CHARLIE GROANS]
Oh.
Hey, hey.
Hey, that was a heck of a first game.
I, uh, like your style, kid.
Did you know that God is a verb?
I did not know that.
Oh
How about some water or something?
God. [CHUCKLES]
God isn't God.
No, you know, like, not,
not like the way that we were taught.
See, God is the music of the spheres,
the symphonic echo of radical love
between all living things.
[CHARLIE] Oh, boy. Hey,
uh, would you mind?
Hmm.
Oh. [SNAPS FINGERS]
You know what I should
do is get your autograph
'cause the way you were
throwing out there today,
oh, boy, yeah, you're
headed for the big leagues.
[CHUCKLES] I'm quitting the game.
- Huh?
- [FELIX CHUCKLES]
Because none of this matters.
You know, like who wins,
who loses, you see, God
and the monkeys matter.
Hmm.
I really think you should
drink some of that.
Huh?
Hey, you have a retirement fund
or a side hustle, crypto
trading or something?
Well, money, eh.
[CHARLIE] Don't overthink it.
When inspiration smacks, listen.
Yeah. Smack. Inspiration.
Although they do say
that it's actually
the, uh, the second smack
that gets you, so
[FELIX CHUCKLES]
What's that mean?
I have no idea but, uh, hydrate.
Thank you, ball girl,
for sharing your wisdom.
Yes, of course, anytime.
And, uh, well, good luck coming down
off whatever you're coming down from.
On?
No, I don't take anything.
Me neither officer.
Okay, Godspeed.
Godspeed.
Godspeed.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[CART RATTLING]
[VOICE] [MUFFLED] Yum.
Yum.
Yum
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Yum.
Yum.
Yum!
[LOUDER] Yum.
Yum.
Yum. Yum. Yum
Yum.
- Yum.
- [CHARLIE LAUGHS]
Yum.
Ah, I don't think so.
- [MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Yum, yum, yum!
[SOCK CONTINUES, MUFFLED]
♪
[CREATURE JABBERING]
- [THUD]
- Ah!
[MAN] Charlie Cale
[DISTORTED] Charlie Cale
[ECHOING] the wanderer
It's up to you to save this ballpark,
to save this team.
It is?
Why?
Because baseball
is not just a game.
It is the secret of the spheres.
[WHOOSHING]
Are you
God?
I
am Hiram Lubinski,
the inventor of Velvety Canned
Cheese Substitute Spread,
now available in jalapeño
and spicy seafood flavors.
Oh, I get it.
Ah, the mascot is you.
I'm the founder of this ballpark
as well as its spiritual guardian.
Cool.
[HIRAM] Baseball is
not just a pastime.
It is the passing of time itself.
Tell me, wanderer,
is it any coincidence
that the goal of every hitter
is to return safely to home?
Huh.
Wow.
This ballpark is home.
Without it, the people of
Montgomery would be lost
and my granddaughter, Lucille
would be bereft
with no community,
without any sense of belonging.
Do you know what that
is like, Charlie?
Yes.
Yes, I I, I do.
- [HIRAM] Then help us.
- Okay.
Protect this ballpark
and save this team!
But from what?
Mm, from who?
Come home, wanderer.
Every soul seeks to be safe
at home.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS, STOPS]
[CHARLIE GROANS]
Oh, Charlie?
Wow, my kingdom for some electrolytes.
[LUCILLE] Charlie, Charlie!
What in the world happened last night?
[MACHINE POWERS DOWN]
[CHARLIE] Oh, my God, what happened?
Uh, the new guy stayed late last night
to take some extra BP.
He tried using Rambo.
He got hit in the back of
the head with a fastball.
Uh, I knew I should have
had that machine replaced.
I knew that.
I found him this morning.
So Rambo
killed Felix?
Well, it looks that way.
Lucille, I hate to bring it up, but
- What?
- You could be looking
at a wrongful death lawsuit.
- A big one.
- [LUCILLE] Well, that'll be it.
We'd have to shut down the
park, then move the team.
It's the only family I got left.
Oh, no, we're not going
to let that happen.
Uh, everybody knew the
machine was faulty.
It is my fault.
Hey, so, hypothetically speaking,
if, uh, Felix, we know
he was a good kid,
but if Felix here was, uh, high
while he was using the equipment,
would that alleviate
some of this liability?
- Well, I guess it
- [BENNY] Yeah.
it would. Why?
Well, I, uh, I think
his gum was laced.
Well, if he was on drugs,
it's easy enough to check.
It is?
Yeah, a simple reagent test.
Oh.
Retired cop.
Okay. Uh, well, hmm.
Okay, terrific.
Negative, no sign of drugs.
Wait, what?
Oh, gosh, man. I know
I was tripping so hard.
And we all saw Felix on that mound.
He was like a guy at a
Phish concert at the Sphere.
I mean, come on, he was tripping.
- Geez.
- Honey.
[CHARLIE] What?
[LUCILLE] Appreciate your concern,
but the last thing I wanna do
is sully this kid's reputation.
I've done enough damage already.
Lucille, this is not on you.
We're going to figure this out, okay?
I talked to Felix. He
told me he was straight.
He wasn't lying. Something is amiss.
We'll have more on Felix Domingo
as the story develops.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Skip.
Hell of a start to the day.
[TV SHUTS OFF]
You need something?
Yeah, I do, I sure do.
So Felix in last night's game,
uh, just a gut check,
he look alright to you?
He looked great.
He was higher than a fly
on Willie Nelson's wall.
- Yeah.
- But whatever it takes.
I mean, I don't judge.
I mean, I'm working on not judging.
Something I'm working on.
[DEB LUX] [ON TV] It's
not all sad news today.
Some lucky citizen has won $3 million
betting on last night's
historic Cheesemonger loss.
A five-game parlay at 22-to-one odds
- was cashed in at a
- Jesus.
Sad, isn't it?
Used to be fans actually rooted
for the home team.
Win or lose, we were
all in it together.
Now it's all about the odds
and working the angles.
Getting rich by expecting the worst.
[CHARLIE] Beep beep.
Huh.
Uh, hiya, Carl.
Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [CHARLIE] Uh,
do you know if anyone had a,
uh, a grudge against Felix?
'Cause, uh, I think
someone spiked his gum.
Why would anybody have it out
for the new guy? [CHUCKLES]
Oh, wow!
Super cool! Is that a
That's a no grill,
huh? Is it solid gold?
My aunt died and left me
a real big inheritance.
Yeah, bullshit.
I won it playing trivia
down at the, uh, pub.
Obvious bullshit. I
mean, I don't even need
my special thing for that one.
- Whoa.
- What are you bothering me for?
I'm just a ball player,
a regular minor league ball player.
Yeah, yeah, no.
I, uh, I know you are.
Nobody wanted the kid
to get hurt, alright?
[CLICKS TONGUE] Right, obviously.
Yeah, no, obviously
not. It's just, uh
y-you did, right?
You-you spiked his gum.
Just to get him out the game though,
and then he went and
fucked around with Rambo.
And the whole thing
was a freak accident.
I mean, I-I feel bad about it, really.
I believe you, I do.
I-I just, um, I'm trying
to square, you know
I mean, here's Felix,
he's throwing a no hitter.
Why would you want him out the game?
Strip club after the game, fellas!
- [GROUP] Hell yeah!
- Drinks on your boy!
What's good, ball girl?
I see.
They spiked the gum that killed Felix
so that they could, uh, lose
the game and win the bet.
It's not like we're talking
criminal masterminds here.
All they gotta do is check
these guys' bank accounts.
Yeah, but you need a search warrant
to check a bank account.
Right now, there isn't
enough evidence to get one.
I-I-I don't understand.
They're just going to
let the ballpark close?
That doesn't seem right.
I mean, what about an autopsy?
There's gotta be some
kind of, uh, evidence
what kind of drug it was that
they put inside Felix's gum, no?
Well, I asked my old partner to
send me a copy of the report.
It should be getting here any minute.
- Hmm.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
Okay, here's the autopsy report.
Let's see.
Uh, yep, death by blunt force trauma.
Let's see, did they
even do a tox report?
Hey, uh, could I take a look at that?
Oh, sure, be my guest.
Oh, thanks.
I wanna save that
ballpark too, you know?
My old man used to take
me there every weekend.
There's nothing better
than a Sunday double header
with your pops. [CHUCKLES]
Well, I don't even really
know what I'm looking at here,
but I think it says here
that the ball was going
over a hundred miles an hour.
What's that?
The ball that killed Felix,
according to this coroner's report,
it looks like the skull fracture
was caused by a ball
that was over a hundred miles an hour.
Wow.
I didn't think Rambo had
that kind of speed in him.
Yeah, no shit, Benny. No shit.
[MACHINE RATTLING]
Ah, shise.
Come on, Rambo, you Cold War relic.
You can do better than that.
Concentrate, concentrate!
Let 'er rip!
- [RUSS] Hey.
- Oh!
Benny said you wanted to talk.
Yeah, hi, Russ.
Quick question.
Is there anyone on either team
that can throw over a hundred?
Nah, anyone throws that fast,
they're not doing it here.
That's a ticket to the show.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Why you wanna know?
It's just the coroner, you know,
he had mentioned that the fastball
that killed Felix, uh,
well, it was going over
a hundred at least.
And, uh, well, we all know
that Rambo here can't do that,
and, and you can't either, so
Thanks a lot.
No, I'm sorry, I didn't
mean it like that.
It's just, you know, the other day
you had said that you
lost your fastball
and you hadn't been able to
throw over 90 for years now.
So, uh, you weren't lying.
I don't know. I mean,
all things considered,
I figured you were the guy to ask.
Uh, thinking to myself,
I mean, what am I
overlooking, you know?
Look, I gotta go home and
get some shuteye, alright?
I'm pitching my last game tomorrow.
Hey, how about after the game,
I buy you a round,
celebrate your victory, huh?
I'd like that.
I'm not counting on
it, but I'd like it.
Never say die.
This is the end of the road for me.
Like you said, my fastball's gone
and it's not comin' back.
Bullshit.
I wish it was, Charlie.
I wish it was.
[CHUCKLES]
- [CROWD CHEERS]
- [CHEERY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
I don't have to remind any of you
that this is Russ's last game.
It's probably our team's
last game in this great park.
So let's go out there and
stop this losing streak!
- [TEAM CLAPS]
- [PLAYER] Yeah, yeah.
[SKIP] Let's win for Russ.
Yeah! Let's fucking go, Rocket!
For Felix.
- For the Lubinski family.
- [PLAYER] Yeah, that's right!
And for these fans
who have suffered with us
for all these goddamn years.
- Yeah, right!
- Yeah!
[SKIP] And while we're at it,
let's win one for
good old-fashioned monogamy.
Whoo!
Yeah!
- [EXHALES]
- [CHARLIE] Hey, so what was it?
- What was what?
- Well, you know,
what cleared your head
and got you that, uh,
your fastball back?
[RUSS] What?
Well, uh, the other night
at the pub, you know,
you said that you lost your
fastball and it was the truth.
But then last night, you said
the same thing, and it was a lie.
So sometime in between,
something happened
that fixed that mental block
and got you your fastball back.
- What was it?
- [RUSS CHUCKLES]
Charlie, no offense,
but you sound batshit crazy right now.
Well, cards on the table,
I know that you guys
have been throwing
these last few games, and I also know
that you spiked Felix's gum.
Your buddy Carl admitted it.
Jesus, Carl.
Gotta say I didn't
think you were involved.
Nah, 'cause, you know, you didn't play
during those last five
losses that scored you
the big payout, and
also 'cause I liked you.
But then, then I put it together.
You were supposed to start
that last game, not Felix.
That's why the guys were
trying to get him out
and get you in.
Alright, fine.
We threw those last
few games. So what?
Have you seen our record?
We were going to lose anyway.
Gosh, cashing in on your own failure.
That's where you ended up.
So you're born with this
one-in-a-million gift.
And then, what?
You throw it all away like
a total fucking loser.
[BALL CLINKS]
Aha.
I see.
So that's what Felix told you
the night you murdered him,
and that's what got you
your 100-mile-per-hour fastball back.
Hearing the truth.
I'm about to go prove
in front of a stadium full of people
that I'm all washed up with
nothing left in this arm,
so you got nothing, ball girl.
Why don't you go sit
your nosy ass down
and enjoy our final loss?
Yeah.
Oh, uh, before I forget,
there's this, uh,
a big league scout in the stands.
[LAUGHS] Bullshit. Pathetic.
Alright, alright alright
Why would a scout be at
a Cheesemongers game?
Skip said something
about an open roster slot
and needing some bullpen heat
there in the show,
whatever that means.
Anyway, I probably shouldn't
have said anything.
I don't wanna get in your head.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[ANNOUNCER] [ON LOUDSPEAKER]:
Your starting pitcher
[VOICE ECHOING]
[ANNOUNCER] For the very last time
our hometown hero
[CROWD CHEERING]
"Rocket" Russ Waddell!
[ORGAN PLAYING CHEERY TUNE]
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
[ANNOUNCER] "Rocket"
Russ Waddell readies
for his first pitch.
The entire ballpark is on
the edge of their seats
hoping for one more flash
of that classic Rocket heat.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, batter, batter, batter,
batter, batter, batter, batter!
[CROWD CHEERS]
[CHARLIE] Alright,
everybody up, let's go!
- Rocket!
- [CROWD] Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
[CROWD FADES] Rocket! Rocket!
♪
- [BALL THWACKS]
- Strike!
Oh!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Go, go, go, go!
Yeah!
I want all exits guarded.
Ball girl was right.
Our suspect is "Rocket"
Russell Waddell.
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
♪
Show 'em what you got, kid.
[CROWD] Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
Rocket! Rocket!
["Glory Days" resumes]
Yeah ♪
- Come on ♪
- [BALL THWACKS]
sync & corrections awaqeded
I had a friend was a
big baseball player ♪
Back in high school ♪
He could throw that
speedball by you ♪
Make you look like a fool, boy ♪
Saw him the other night
at this roadside bar ♪
I was walking in,
he was walking out ♪
We went back inside, sat
down, had a few drinks ♪
But all he kept talking about was ♪
Glory days ♪
Well, they'll pass
you by, glory days ♪
In the wink of a young
girl's eye, glory days ♪
Glory days ♪
Alright ♪
Well, there's a girl that
lives up the block ♪